03x19 - Confessions of a Catho-holic

[bunniefuu]

Danny: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I know I haven't been in here in a while, so I got some serious confessing to do.

Is it masturbating again?

No, no. It's not that.

[sighs] Okay, here we go.

I screened a phone call from Ma, I coveted my butcher's Mean Streets poster, I knocked up my live-in girlfriend, I used the Lord's name in vain.

Wait, wait. What... what was that one before?

The Mean Streets poster?

No. After that.

[sighs] Okay, I engaged in sex with a pre-marital persuasion, but it wasn't my fault.

I was... I was under a spell of this exotic sorceress.

I mean, she wears all these bright colors, and she uses all this R-rated language, and the next thing you know, Father, we are going at it in bed.

This accidentally happened a couple hundred times, and then the Lord finally punished us with the precious gift of life.

But hey, you know, it proves I wasn't using protection, right, Father?

Father?

[crashing]

Danny: Oh, God!

[hip-hip music]

Jeremy: Oh, okay. First order of business: Mindy, if you want to change the screensaver on all the computers to your sonogram there's a form for that.

First of all, how dare you insult my unborn son's first tasteful nudes.

Come on, man.

Second of all, I didn't do that. Danny did.

He's, like, obsessed with being a dad.

I just want to say congratulations.

You're having a boy.

Yes, biologically she is a boy.

But who knows what she will identify with.

I could still win.

Okay, so now some personal business.

Uh, my one man show has been accepted has been accepted into the Midtown Fringe Festival.

[applause and cheers]

Stop it, stop it. Anyway, the show's about a young mousy boy who escapes to the United States for a better life. And, uh, maybe has a couple of adventures along the way.

So you're basically Fievel?

I don't know who that is.

What's the name of your play?

An American Tale.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't go.

Because I really don't want to go.

See, this is the problem with this country.

No respect for the arts.

That's why you have to come crawling to us for your Lincolns and your Batmans.

I just k*lled My priest.

Oh, okay. Fine. He doesn't have to come.

This is all our fault. I was confessing to Father Francis and his heart couldn't take it.

Wait, that's what happened?

Yes.

Okay, Danny, I think you're being a little theatrical.

There's gonna be a memorial service.

Will you come with me?

To church?

Yeah.

You k*lled someone, now I have to die of boredom?

Look, Father Francis never absolved me.

Now I have to confess to the new priest, or when I die, I won't get into heaven.

Besides, don't you want to meet the guy that's gonna baptize our baby?

Who says he's gonna get baptized?

I kinda want to raise him Jewish so he can get ahead in life.

Mindy, please. Church is really important to me and I want you to be a part of it.

You're so adorable when you're anxious.

Yes, I will come with you.

You'll come?

Yeah.

Great. Thank you.

It'll be good for the new priest to get a visual of you so when I talk about you in confession he can, you know, picture it.

Um, I don't love you talking to a priest about me.

How'd you like it if I had a podcast about our sex life?

Oh, come on.

Because I do have one. For the past six months.

What?

Danny: Great, we're late.

Now we can't sit in the front row.

Hi. How are you?

Oh, my God.

How old was Father Francis?

Was he Jesus' roommate?

No. Jesus didn't have a roommate.

He lived with his Ma.

Hachi machi. Who's the guy in the dress?

He's hot as hell.

Wait a minute.

I know that guy. That's Mike O'Donnell, from my old neighborhood.

He was the worst kid in my high school, now he's a priest?

That guy's a virgin? Ah, man, what a waste.

Shh. Quiet.

275.

Any guesses on what that number means?

How many hours I've been sitting here?

That's the number of women I've had sex with.

[murmuring]

Now I'm sure some of you are saying, "How can a man who has sinned in so many different ways...

"and positions...

"How can a man with a sleeve of tattoos, "a man who did dr*gs, crazy dr*gs, how can that man be in charge of your spiritual guidance?"

Wow. Mike's done everything.

I mean, confessing to him will be a breeze.

Michael: God comes to us in many ways.

For Saint Paul, it was a bolt of lightning on the road to Damascus.

For me, it was Keith Richards.

He found me on his bathroom floor of his house, which I had broken into.

And he said to me...

[mumbles indistinctly]

And as his security team dragged me out of his house, I knew that I had a purpose in life, and that was to lead people away from sins great and small.

Because it's not always the big sins that matter, like when I slept with my SAT proctor and ruined her marriage.

No, sometimes it's the small sins that tarnish the soul the most.

I'm talking about birth control, cohabiting before marriage, and dating outside of the faith.

Trust me, these little sins are just as straight a path to hellfire as all that really cool stuff I used to do.

Really? I feel like they're not.

Now, let's all bow our heads for one final prayer for Father Francis.

He was a good guy.

A good, soft guy.

May God forgive him for his leniency.

Leniency? We're screwed.

You're screwed. I'm Hindu.

I'm like immortal or something.

♪ Agnus Dei ♪
♪ Qui tollis peccata mundi ♪
♪ Agnus Dei ♪

By next Sunday you should all know Latin.

Danny: Let's go, come on.

You were in the bathroom for, like, an hour.

Mindy: There's a lot of elderly people here, okay.

I need a new church, okay?

St. Ignatius has one of those guitar-priests.

But you know what? I can get over it.

Let's get out of here.

Danny?

Danny Castellano?

Hey.

Hi, Friar, I'm Mindy.

I so enjoyed your speech.

Sermon.

Yes, it was the best part of the show.

Mass.

Yeah.

So you're Danny's girlfriend?

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, my God!

Are you my one Twitter follower?

It is great to meet you, @OneDirectionBot.

I...

Hey, Mike, good to see you...

I'm sorry. Father Michael.

Hard to adjust. I'm used to calling you The Virginity Thief of Staten lsland.

Yeah, I remember you too, Danny.

You were the little altar boy who would always snitch on me whenever I would take the girls back to the rectory to fool around.

Danny here, always such a little angel.

Sorry. You know me.

Always walking the straight and narrow.

Mindy: Yeah, I have a scriptural question.

I know that the church frowns on masturbation...

Mm-hmm.

But what is their policy on hot-tub jets?

Hey, listen, here's 5 bucks.

Why don't you go enter us into the raffle, okay?

Okay. [clears throat]

So wonderful to meet you, Your Magistrate.

Okay.

You don't...

She doesn't have to do that.

You're hand...

Okay. [chuckles]

She's different.

I gotta admit, Danny, I've heard some rumors.

You have?

Yeah.

Look, the word on the pew is that the Golden Boy of St. Mary's and his girlfriend are living together before marriage.

Oh! That?

That's what you heard?

Yes, yes, we are, but we are definitely waiting before we, you know... do it.

Look, Danny, I get it.

The Vatican's fine with over-the-pants stuff.

I just don't want people to think you're a bad Catholic.

People like me.

What? No way. We're both great Catholics.

Especially her.

Oh, I had no idea she was of the faith.

Yeah, she's of the faith.

Okay, everyone, just stick your tongues out.

Stop. Stop.

So, Ma, I was thinking we should change churches.

What do you think about The lmmaculate Heart?

That's for Puerto Ricans.

What's communion? Chips and salsa?

Why would we switch churches anyway?

The new priest.

You remember Michael O'Donnell?

[scoffs]

Mikey O'Donnell?

The hooligan from down the block?

You know, he babysat for you and Richie once.

I come home, he's got a girl on top of the ping-pong table.

Danny: Yeah, I remember that.

They left a dent on the table.

Made the balls bounce weird.

And I don't know. I don't feel comfortable confessing my situation to him.

So don't confess.

You're not exactly winning Catholic-of-the-year anyway.

You're divorced, you go to a gay gym...

You don't encounter it if you stay out of the sauna.

Plus, their bodies motivate me.

Why do you care what Mikey thinks?

Your mother's over it.

Hmm.

She still hasn't forgiven me for taping over Princess Diana's wedding with an episode of The Price ls Right... that I was on.

Maybe the problem isn't the priest.

You gotta start thinking about why you feel so guilty about this.

Morgan: All right, let's take it from the top.

Okay, so I said to the immigration officer, "You know who I am? I'm Dr. Jeremy Reeve."

Reed!

Reed! Why can't I get that?

I'll tell you why, and I don't mean to be cruel, but you're the worst actor I've ever seen in my life, okay?

No, I can act.

It's just I can't remember the lines.

Oh, good, you're not doing anything.

Hey, I need your advice.

Absolutely not.

I'm incredibly busy.

He's very busy.

Fine, I will buy a lousy ticket to your loser show.

Take a seat. How can I help?

Thank you.

When I was at church with Danny and he introduced me to his priest, I felt like he was embarrassed by me.

Come on, stop. Danny has never even been slightly embarrassed by you.

Really? [sighs] Okay.

That's a huge relief.

See, I can act, Morgan.

Of course he's embarrassed by you.

But the point is, if embarrassment was gonna ruin the relationship, it would have happened by now.

Sounds like the problem is this priest.

You want me to m*rder a priest?

Befriend the priest.

Of course. Befriend a priest.

[typing] Hey, Father Michael! It's Mindy!

Who?

You know, princess emoji, sexy lady emoji.

Who?

Emoji.

Oh, Danny's girlfriend! Hello!

I thought I could donate some bras to the church drive.

Is it OK if they're all a little slutty?

I don't mean to be rude, but I took a vow of poverty, which extends to my text plan.

Father, we should get to know each other better.

Would you like to have dinner with us tomorrow?

Spaghetti dinner emoji, thumbs up.

How can I turn down a meal from a good Catholic woman?

A what now?

Danny: Okay, name me the Apostles.

John.

Good.

Paul.

Excellent.

George.

You're naming Beatles.

Bongo.

That's not anything.

Mary Margarine.

No!

Why did you invite Father Michael over for dinner?

Okay, look, if he asks, we sleep in bunk beds and your last name's McPherson.

Why would you lie and tell him that I was Catholic?

I don't have a Catholic bone in my body, except yours.

See? I can't stop saying hilarious stuff like that!

I have the mind of a comedian trapped in the body of a model trapped in the job of a gynecologist.

We should have just gone with Morgan to Jeremy's stupid play.

Morgan. That's it.

Jeremy: Morgan, I'm freaking out.

I don't remember any of my lines.

Hey, easy. I told you.

I have every single one of the lines in the play on my phone. It's gonna be fine.

[phone rings]

Okay.

Oh, oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Aye, machi hachi.

Easy, easy, just chill one second.

I'm gonna take a personal call.

Talk to me, player.

Hey, um, what do you know about Catholicism?

Pfft! Only everything.

Oh, perfect. Okay, so you know about, like, the Popes and sacraments and stuff?

Oh, Catholicism.

I thought you said "alcoholism."

Yeah, I don't know anything.

Okay, whatever.

Will you look stuff up if I text you with questions?

Pfft! Yeah, I'm at this boring play.

It'll give me something to do.

Hey.

Mindy: Okay, thank you, Morgan. Bye.

[door closes]

Okay, if Father Mike asks you to say grace, say you have laryngitis.

Okay, well, I just got off the phone with Morgan, and...

Yeah?

Everything is taken care of.

Feeling okay, sweetheart?

Yeah.

No, I feel... I feel good. I feel calm and grounded.

[doorbell rings]

Ah!

All right, be cool, be cool. That's him.

Okay.

So be cool.

Mindy: You be cool, psycho.

Father Michael, exactly on time.

We got nothing to hide.

Don't worry, Danny. You couldn't.

Ms. McPherson!

That's me.

Lovely to see you.

Sorry about her.

She's a real klutz.

Yeah.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Some people still get dressed up for the theater.

Hey, shh. I have to focus.

Jeremy: London, 1985.

[mouthing silently]

Jeremy: A little boy walks with his father.

[child voice] Daddy, who are those dirty men?

They look so sad.

[adult voice] They're no-good coal miners on strike!

Throw a rock at them or I'll swat at you.

[child voice] But I want to help them someday, or my name isn't...

[normal voice] Jeremy Reed.

[scattered applause]

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Our story actually begins in 1545.

♪ And may all sinners burn forever ♪
♪ In fires of hell ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh ♪
♪ Amen-nan-nan-nan-Na ♪

Mindy, once again, thank you so much for having me for dinner.

[phone chimes]

The nun that usually cooks for me is blind, so I end up eating a lot of candle wax.

You know, hospitality is so important.

I think it was God that said, "He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty."

That's Job 6:14.

Ah, do you have a favorite verse from The New Testament?

The New Testament?

The new one?

There's a sequel to The Bible, but not to Gone Girl?

[phone chimes] Um, The New Testament has so many great one-liners, but I think my favorite's probably, "Jeremy, you spilled my Scotch.

Go sit in your cupboard."

Afraid I don't know that one. That's a bit of a deep cut, even for a priest.

Jeremy: Father, it's dark in here and I'm afraid.

[phone chimes]

So I said, "Father, you can lock me in the cupboard, but you can never lock up my spirit."

And then my father said to me...

[whispering] Morgan?

I'm sorry, Dr. Reed, I gotta leave, gotta leave.

What? No, Morgan, Morgan...

You need to tell me what my father said to me.

Excuse me.

Mo... Morgan.

Jeremy: We had a deal.

Oh, I tripped!

Ow!

What did my father...

Oh, my cigarette.

Shh! Shh!

I don't know.

For God's sake.

Morgan.

Damn it to hell.

I'm so sorry.

That was... Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, whoa!

Oh! Oh, my hair!

In that moment, I decided to go to America, where the sun always shines.

[fire alarm blares]

[all screaming]

Mindy: I mean, that's why I think The Bible's on fleek.

Huh, you know, I never thought of Eve as one of the "Real Housewives of Eden."

Then again, she did love her drama.

You got a good one here, Danny.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have got to go to the little priests' room.

Oh, it's right over here, Father.

Hot's on the left, cold's on the right.

Standard sink stuff. You'll figure it out.

Hey, great job, little Catholic.

I know.

Father Michael will have no idea that we're two sinful, contraceptive-using...

Oh, no.

What?

Danny, do you remember when you told me, like, a million times to take the condoms out of the medicine cabinet before Father Michael got here?

Yeah.

You didn't, like, do that because you knew that I would flake, right?

Oh, no.

Danny: What were you thinking?

Maybe he won't snoop.

Oh, who am I kidding? Everybody snoops.

When I first went to your mom's house, I tried on her wedding dress.

There's only one thing to do.

No.

I'm going in.

No!

I'm going in.

Wait, Mindy. Do not look at his thing.

Okay, if I see his thing, it's an accident.

And don't get distracted by your reflection in the mirror.

♪ Walking in Memphis, in Memphis ♪
♪ But do I really feel... ♪
♪ Walking in Memphis, in Memphis ♪
♪ But do I really feel the way I feel? ♪
♪ I saw the ghost of Elvis down... ♪

[stops urinating]

[resumes urinating]

♪ I saw the ghost of Elvis ♪
♪ Down on Union Avenue ♪
♪ I followed him up to the gates of Graceland ♪
♪ And I watched him walk right through ♪

[toilet flushes]

♪ Now securi... ♪

[clears throat] Danny, I saw something pretty disturbing in your bathroom just now.

Okay, you did?

It's your Yankees poster, Danny.

You know they're the team of sin.

[sighs]

A-Rod, that's lust.

CC Sabathia, gluttony.

Jeter, sloth. He retired.

What if Jesus had retired?

You're right, Father. I'm a Mets fan now.

Thank you so much. What a great night.

I'll see you at church on Sunday.

Sunday? Come on!

Let's get some dessert. Let's play some board games.

I'm a priest! This is my cr*ck!

Okay, use "nom-nom-nom" in a sentence.

Okay. Wasn't hungry.

I saw that corn dog, and I was like, "Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!"

Okay, fair enough.

Yes!

Danny, can I be honest?

Yeah.

I came here tonight because I heard a disturbing rumor.

I heard you were dating a godless sex maniac.

But that must have been an ex-girlfriend, because it's certainly not Mindy, who is one of the finest women I have ever met.

Thank you.

Yes, yes, it was an ex-girlfriend, and, man, she was trouble, bad news.

Michael: Hey, I get it.

I mean, back in the day, I dated some crazy ones.

Oh, yeah?

Michael: I'm talking about doing it on the airport luggage carousel.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

That was Madonna's idea of fun. Go figure.

I wrote the hook for Borderline.

Well, I actually knew Danny's ex, and she wasn't crazy, and she wasn't a sex maniac.

She was more sex-positive in a way that was very on-brand for her.

Ugh. She sounds horrible.

She wasn't horrible.

She was super hot, bangable, Danny loved her, and she had huge cans.

Really? I heard that she was pear-shaped with small breasts.

If anything, she was two pears stacked on top of each other.

That's a butternut squash.

Yeah, hot as hell.

Could have sex for hours.

Looks, guys, it doesn't matter.

It didn't mean anything.

I mean, she was nothing special.

It was just fun.

It wasn't like I was gonna marry her or anything.

Well, bottom line, you made the right choice, because now you're with a nice Catholic girl like Mindy.

Exactly. Now I have Mindy.

Well, I am tired, and I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Next time I see you, I'll ask you my Da Vinci Code questions.

Good night, Father.

Good night.

Well, to the bunk beds.

Good night, babe.

She's great.

Yeah.

Got any cookies or dessert or anything like that?

Main course was, like, an hour ago.

I don't know if we have any dessert, Father.

Could you make something?

Give me that. Cost me 50 bucks. Dammit.

I've never been more humiliated in my entire life.

This was meant to be my love letter to America, but it ended like every love letter I've ever written... with the authorities being called.

Listen, listen. I got some news for you, buddy.

The New York Times was here and they thought it was really great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which critic?

Was it Ben Brantley? [gasps]

Oh, my God. Was it Alessandra Stanley?

I think it was Virgil Krugg.

He's the crime reporter.

Said it was the best arson he's ever seen.

Michael: Glad you found that old candy cane, Danny.

Nom-nom-nom.

Well, it was a great night, Father.

You want me to look up the ferry for you?

You know, sometimes when parishioners have me for dinner, they drive me home.

Uh...

But the ferry's good too, you know?

It's not too cold or wet.

Great. You'll need that.

I'll just look up that ferry for you.

Is that a sonogram?

That? That's, uh...

What am I talking about? You're an OB-GYN.

Of course, that's for one of your patients.

No, Father. Look.

I've been doing a lot of lying to you, and I'm not gonna lie about this little guy.

That's my son, and Mindy's the crazy ex-girlfriend you've been hearing a lot about.

Mindy McPherson? My new friend?

It's Lahiri, and I asked her to lie about being Catholic for you.

Well, look at this.

The little boy who played baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant until he was 15 years old knocks up his girlfriend.

Yeah, you know what? And there's something else.

I know I was supposed to confess all this to you, but for some reason, I don't know why, I just couldn't.

But I think it's because when you confess, it's because you feel guilty about something.

And, Father, I don't feel guilty about this at all.

I've never been happier about anything in my life.

Well, I guess I should go.

This has been the worst night of my entire life.

Uh, I'll have somebody mail you your excommunication letter.

You know you can't be buried with your family now, right?

Yes, I understand.

Good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Father Michael!

I have something to say.

No more lies.

Like saying you don't have any dessert when I can see there's a cookie jar right here!

No, no.

Don't go in...

Oh, my God! This is the lair of Lucifer!

Okay, I have a couple things to say here.

One, you gots to chill, amigo.

Second, I know that Danny is a guilty Catholic weirdo, but his guilt is also what makes him so kind and wonderful.

And if our kid is half that good, then I'd be happy.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I think I would like our baby to be raised Catholic.

Really?

Yeah.

And for the record, you need some new blood.

When we went to mass the other day, it was like the Crypt Keeper's wedding.

Jeez, Louise.

Hmm.

Median age is 79.

Our organist d*ed... twice.

Yeah.

Okay, heck. I'll tell you what.

Danny, you come to confession and we'll talk about your absolution, all right?

And you, little disciple...

I will see you in the baptismal font.

Well, my work here is done.

All right, I'm gonna give these to the Greek Orthodox.

Thank you, Father.

Good night, Father Michael.

Looks like someone's gonna be coming to church a lot more with me.

[sighs] How am I ever gonna get used to the crushing boredom?

Well, I have an idea.

London, 1985.

A little boy walks with his father.

[child voice] Daddy, who are those dirty men?

They look so sad?

[adult voice] Those are no-good miners on strike.

Throw a rock at them or I will swat you!

[normal voice] So it was that I, Jeremy Reed, found myself a stranger among my own people.

What was I to do?