04x01 - Training Camp

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to the 2012 draft.

We've been talking about it for months, so the next pick will not come as a surprise.

It's going to be Robert Griffin III, quarterback out of Baylor.

See you soon. (Sighs)

Did it. Love you, Mom.

Love you. Whew.

Good job, man. Thanks, man.

Congratulations. How you doing, my man?

Have a good one. I'm gonna do that.

Crowd (Chanting): Rg3, rg3...

(Ruxin laughs)

Hey.

Ruxin: Welcome to the league.

Thanks, Commissioner. Yeah, here we go.

Uh-oh, what's this? There it is.

Here we go, Rob. (Griffin sighs)

Here it is. It's official.

Bam. All right.

All right. Congratulations, Robert.

Thank you.

All your hopes and dreams have finally culminated in you being a member of Pete top/Kevin bottom.

I mean, all the hard work's definitely paid off.

Those days of protein shakes and bad gas landed me on team Ruxin.

We're the best.

Just how good do you think it can be?

I think, uh, Pete top/Kevin bottom can definitely win the Shiva bowl. Whoa-ho.

Shiva komedi somakanakram, b*tches!

And you don't find him even remotely annoying?

Actually I do not. I respect him.

That's right, Andre's on the clock.

Suck it! Wait up, Rodney.

Man, why you telling people we're family?

Next up in the 2012 draft, it's the pick from the poorly named double entendres.

(Crowd booing)

You suck. (Mic feedback screeches)

Andre: Sorry. The double entendres select Trent Richardson, running back, Alabama.

Let's do this. Dodged a b*llet on that one, huh?

Yeah, all right, I like that.

There it is, yeah, put it on, right?

Boom, double entendres.

Trent, I got to ask you, how does it feel to be the newest team member of a uninspired squad?

Worst feeling ever.

I demand a trade.

Please, can you reconsider?

Never. You won't regret this.

Yes, you will. Back it up, back it up.

Okay, first of all, who are you?

His Mother. Okay, I am sorry.

Um, look, I'll draft the whole family.

I got a lot of positions.

No, no, not interested.

You'd be a great kicker.

What did you call me?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What?

Is that a bad thing?

You little skinny MC Hammer.

Whoa! Well, this appears to be another draft day first.

Wonder what the Commissioner has to say about that. Rodney?

Sofia: Rodney, Rodney. Hmm.

Rodney. Oh, call me Roger, call me Roger. Roger?

(Ruxin grunts) What happened?

I drafted too early. Think I got a second round pick coming.

Kevin: All right, this round is brought to you by your Shiva bowl champion.

Pete: All right, take it easy, Rudy. Last season is definitely going to have an asterisk by it.

No, no asterisks.

I earned it.

Ooh, Kevin McAsterisk.

That has a nice ring to it.

Yes.

They call Mr. McAsterisk.

No, they don't.

Taco: Can I be Taco McAsterisk?

You guys can be the McAsterisk brothers.

Whoa, bam! Boo.

What, come on, it's cool.

What, are we gonna do "talk"

"to the hand" next?

Ooh, is that back in?

Talk to the hand because the face don't understand.

I'm sorry that you have to pleasure that monster.

It must be unbearable for you. (Laughter)

All right, I have a grievance here.

You are the Sacko.

I would like to dole out Sacko punishments, but I'm not allowed to all of a sudden?

I think my punishment was enough when I got a full-on stroke. Hey, which one of y'all is Kevin?

The one with the freakishly large head.

Uh, what the hell is this?

This is my new online cowboy business.

A division of Taco Corp.

Do you have some bad news for someone? Hire a cowboy to deliver the message.

Everything sounds better coming from a cowboy. This one's for you, Kevin.

♪ Kevin, the money you loaned Taco he ain't payin' it back. ♪

I like it.

I need Howdy Doody to tell me that.

Y'all have a good one. Bye.

I am going to make a fortune.

No, you're not going to make a fortune. It's time to talk football.

Commissioner, please, what is our draft order this year?

Um, I am no longer the Commissioner of this league.

Wait a second, if you're not the Commissioner, who is?

Howdy, partners. Oh.

Oh, no, no. No, I told you, no cards.

You son of a bitch.

So this is how you were able to hold onto your championship.

By the way, I don't like the "C" word, but this is collusion.

It is not collusion because I'm Commissioner and I'm saying it's not collusion.

Kevin... you see what you've done here?

The concept of total control is erotic to me.

I am at full chub right now.

Jenny (Sighs): So, how'd they take it?

Not well.

Yeah?

Draft gonna be next weekend still?

Indeed. sh*t, draft me a beautiful team next weekend.

Week after that, have a beautiful baby boy.

And I get to name him?

That was the deal.

My beautiful boy.

Mmm... mmm.

I love you. I love you.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, no, no, no. Doo-doo-doo.

What? Easy.

Come on, Kevin, I'm not gonna explode.

I just don't want my son that close to my d*ck, I just don't.

How big do you think you are, Kevin?

I just feel like right now that tunnel is outbound traffic only. Really?

Yeah. Because my other outbound tunnel you have tried to go inbound on many times.

Well, you're not in the car during rush hour, and the traffic signs are very confusing.

Oh, come on, I miss it.

I know, I miss it, too, I really do.

You want me just a little?

Look, look, look, look, look, look at the proximity here.

It's like they're whispering to each other.

Don't you miss it?

I do.

Well, then, do something about it.

I tried watching pregnancy p*rn, but it just grossed me out more. Okay, okay.

Come on, just get comfortable.

You should be on bed rest.

(Jenny groans)

Good night, my sweet love. Good night.

Did you say something?

Guess what.

What?

I got a new job.

Oh, look at that.

Congratulations, Pete.

Got rid of that dead-end pencil-pushing job.

No, no, not in life... in the league. Look, I figured, since the Sacko Commissioner was going dormant this year, I got myself a new title. I am the custodian of the hall of records.

Custodian's fitting.

Look, the league web site has this thing called the "league"

"history" and it's been criminally ignored.

Think that's where I send my lineup.

Well, that's why you don't have an actual lineup.

Anyhow, I filled our league history page with factoids and little fun tidbits from our time together.

That's a pretty solid idea, Pete.

That's ni... oh, what the sh*t, man?

It's a factoid. He posted naked pictures of me. (Andre laughs)

Well, yeah, it's really just a nice remembrance of the time when you used to get drunk in college and run errands naked.

Whoa, w-wait, what is this?

"Women that Andre has slept" with"? Oh, let me see that.

No, no, no, this is not a complete list.

There's, like, only four people on here.

I-I have slept with plenty of women.

Taco, you want to back me up here?

Yep, all four are there. Come on.

You guys see what Pete's doing?

He can't t*rture one of us as the Sacko Commissioner, so he's going to t*rture all of us by being the custodian of the hall of records. Yes.

Cards, ladies and gentlemen. Nice.

Custodian. Okay, you can't just make up jobs like this. Right, Commissioner?

I am not your Commissioner.

If you want to talk to me, you can refer to me as your league champion, and I have also made up some cards. Woo.

What, did you guys all get cards without me?

Yep. Oh, Taco, who is "the Taco of"

"the league." (Phone rings)

Hello? This is Jerry Jones with the Cowboys.

Yeah, uh, o-okay, Jerry Jones. Yeah, and this is Dan Snyder.

This is Jerry Jones, owner of the Cowboys, and I need to speak to Taco. He owns something I want.

Um... it's Jerry Jones for Taco.

Jerry Jones of, like, the Dallas Cowboys Jerry Jones?

Yeah, I highly doubt it.

Maybe it's Jenny Jones asking if he'll be on the show.

Dallas Cowboys. Oh.

See, I figured the best place to start my online Cowboys business was Dallas, and I was looking for a web site to start it and I squatted on dallascowboys.com, and I guess they let it lapse.

Wait, you own dallascowboys.com?

Darn tootin'.

What?!

Hello? Hello? Hey! Hey! Put it on speaker, speaker, speaker. Hello? Hello?

This is Taco, the person.

I want that dallascowboys.com back, and I'm prepared to pay for it.

I don't do deals over the phone, Jerry.

Why don't I fly you and your friends to Cowboys training camp, watch a little practice, meet some players, we'll talk a little business. I can't imagine that my friends would want to... what?!

Yes, we would! All right, fine.

My assistant, Marilyn, will call you back with the details.

Is Marilyn hot?

What a bunch of morons.

I can't believe these frittatas get to go to camp and we can't go. I can't go.

Babe! You're gonna go into labor any minute... how can I leave you alone?

Do you remember what we did to Ruxin last year?

One of us has to make sure he doesn't pull that same sh*t on us.

You're going. If you are not gonna stay here and make love to this beautiful body... Oh... what do I do, what do I do? What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go. Thank you so much! Oh... Mm.

I love you. I love you. Go. Have fun.

Okay. All right. Say hi to Jason Witten. I will.

(Whispers): So hot. Oh. I won't.

Good God.

What's up, guys? Hey, fellas.

How you doing?

Guys, ro-romo.

Tony...!

What's up, guy? (Whistle blows)

Right! Unbelievable.

I've always talked about going to a training camp, and here we are, Dallas Cowboys camp. Ooh...

Yes! I could do that.

Play professional football?

Does that pay well?

Yeah. For, like, two or three years.

You know what, you may think that this is great, but tonight is even gonna be better because I have yelp'd one of the best sea urchin spots in all of Oxnard.

Shut up, Andre.

All right, guys, I got to get to my meeting with Jerry Earl Jones.

It's Jerry Jones. Jerry Earl Jones.

No, James Earl Jones was Darth Vader.

Yeah. Darth Vader owns the Dallas Cowboys.

Okay, that's fine. Lawyers?

Let's go.

(Chuckles): Okay.

Taco's making deals.

I remember our deal, that your championship stands and I get naming rights to your child.

You weren't really serious about that.

Dead serious. Fine. Fine.

Okay, just don't name him something stupid, please.

No, I'll find something that goes well with McAsterisk.

Hey, assholes. Let's go, we're late.

So, I see you've brought along your two lawyers.

Uh, this guy's my actual lawyer.

This underdressed human being is my tagalong brother.

Well, I can tell by this business card here that I'm dealing with the cofounder of the Taco Corporation.

(Whispers): Should I respond?

You can respond.

That is correct. Let's get down to brass tacks.

Jerry, my client has something that you want, and I'm sure that we can reach a fair and agreeable price for that product.

I don't know about this.

I may never have another idea as good as this one. That, I do not doubt.

And just being here at this training camp, I got to say, there are a lot of Cowboys out there who'd be really good for my company.

So you really think my players had rather go tell someone their dog had d*ed or that they'd been fired than to play professional football?

They're both glamorous, but, Jerry, I'm offering them a chance at a real career.

This is like talking to a mound of pudding.

On a good day, Sir.

Butterscotch pudding.

(Groans): Oh.

So, let's cut the crap.

How much is this gonna cost me?

Jer-bear, my client has a few very specific demands...

I want to be able to post whatever I want on dallascowboys.com. Post what?

Musings, pictures of shoes I like, drawings of historical figures interacting with food in unusual ways, portraits of people I know drawn from memory, sex photos... No. What?

Let me tell you how this is gonna happen.

I'm gonna write a number down on this piece of paper...

And I drew a picture of myself on this piece of paper.

And this is going in the garbage.

But that's a picture of me riding a tiger.

No. He'll take this.

That works, that works.

Taco, you just made $250,000. I'm sure he's gonna spend it wisely. That's a lot of butterscotch pudding.

Now, you chuckleheads, get your ass out of my office. And, you, put that football back. Oh, this football.

It's not mine. I'll put it back.

All right! Looking good!

Well, Taco is rich.

Rich to Taco is, like, having 20 bucks and a can of four loko.

No, like... you rich.

How's it feel, Taco? Eh.

I've been rich before.

Well, guys, money comes and goes, but the draft order is forever. And as your Commissioner, I have devised an amazing way to figure it out.

Okay, well, try and top this. Hey, Jason, Felix, come on over, guys. Holy sh*t!

What's up, fellas? How's it going?

Hey, what's up? Good to see you, man.

Hey, you must be Rodney.

You didn't play me last year against Tampa bay. What's up with that?

It was a mistake on my part.

And everybody calls me Ruxin.

Well, I'm gonna call you Rodney, Rodney.

Well, I'm gonna call you Felix, Felix.

Rodney. Felix.

Rodney. Oh.

Wait, how did you know who he was?

Oh, he showed us the hall of records.

It's amazing you guys are putting all that stuff on the Internet. People actually look at that stuff, you know.

By the way, Kev, lost some weight since all those naked photos, huh?

And I just want you guys to know that I've totally, uh, slept with more than four women.

Like, it's more like upwards of five. Upwards of five?

What's upwards mean? I totally, like, French-kissed a nipple. Oh, my God.

Right. All right.

We got you guys something.

Jack. Ty. What's this?

Oh... autographed, too?

Gonna put this in the office.

Now that you guys got the football, try to score.

Wh-what do you mean?

You're gonna start on this end of the field, you're gonna get to the other end zone, with the ball, of course.

Through the practice?

Yep, through the practice.

First person in the end zone gets the first pick in the draft. Whoa. Wait.

Wait, are we gonna start...

(Air horn blares)

Oh! Okay, all right!

Why are we running?

Wait, wait... wait for me!

Get out of here!

Uh, coach Eckhart's here. Run, run!

(Grunting) (Shouting)

Run, Andre! (Andre screaming)

(Grunts) Got him!

(Laughing) Ow!

Ha-ha! Up yours, Felix!

Rodney! Eyes up!

See what you're hitting, buddy.

Ha-ha-ha, I got this!

Ho-ho-ho-ho! Aw, sh*t! Aw, sh*t!

Come on! No, no, not today, buddy.

You're looking tired, Rudy. Not today.

Yeah, take care! Woo! Oh, yeah, first pick, first pick, first pick! (Grunts)

Oh! (Grunts) You don't steal from the Cowboys, you don't score on the Cowboys.

Aah! What?!

N-nothing. I have a present for you, Mr. Ratliff, Sir. Thank you. I got this.

Streaker! Woo! Hey, come on, man!

Taco, no one wants to see your junk.

Second base... third base...

Home run! Woo! Woo! Yes!

First pick of the draft! Ha-ha-ha!

Unh, unh, unh, unh! What's your name?

Brandon Carter.

You don't look like a kicker.

But guess what? You're my first pick.

Give me a hug. I'm not touching that.

Ooh! Ooh! That is refreshing. Taco, here.

Come on! Cover your taco bells, please. Oh! Oh!

I win! Suck it! Suck it! Hey!

Mr. Jones is willing to let you use his private plane to go home. Yeah! Yeah!

Cool! If you leave right now.

Oh. We go that way then?

Go! Oh, the exit... Okay. See you guys.

I knew I could play football!

Ugh! Those sh*t sippers.

They're at g*dd*mn cowboy camp right now, and I'm just here, beached. You know what? Fine.

Mama's just gonna stay here by herself... and get happy.

Mmm. Oh, yeah!

Ah! Oh, yeah.

Okay. Hey, Jenny.

It's Jason Witten. Hey, Jason.

How you doing? I'd love to be on your team.

Yeah, you can be on my team, Jason.

Hey, Jenny. What's up, girl?

This is Desean.

Oh, hey, Desean. You draft me, I'm talking about two touchdowns a game.

Oh, I want all your TDS.

And don't forget about the punt returns.

Oh, I won't. Oh, sh*t!

Desean Jackson! Kevin!

I-I won't say anything.

It's cool. I'll just watch.

No. Get out of here.

Desean is the only man I want to talk to right now. Oh, God, my team's gonna be so good this year. Hi, Jenny.

Shiva? It's me, Shiva.

(Laughing): Oh, my God! Wow.

You know, you're the only one of these sh*t-sipping frittatas I can relate to?

Oh, my God, is this my year?

It's our year. Totally.

Totally. Totally!

Totally. Totally.

Totally. Oh, Shiva!

Mmm. Oh, you know what? I don't...

Oh, no, it's good. Awesome!

No, Kevin. It's my fantasy. Go away!

(Kevin whoops) Um... this isn't really gonna work for me. No. Shiva!

God, Kevin! Oh, come on, Jenny!

(Jenny sighs) Jenny? Jenny?

Jenny? Oh, God, Kevin, go away!

Jenny? Jenny? Oh, Shiva! Shiva! Oh, Shi...

Jenny, stop it. Stop doing it.

Shiva komedi somakanakram.

Jenny... come on, babe.

Listen. Hello! Oh, my God!

Hello?! Oh!

What are you doing?!

You don't recognize your own wife's vinegar strokes?

I wasn't doing that.

Whoa. It's onto her and her baby's soul... both not great.

No. Jenny, you were flicking that bean like mean Joe Greene. No, I wasn't.

Your pants are all wet. Oh, my God.

I think my water just broke. Is that how a lady says she's coming? What?

I think I'm having the baby.

Right-right-right now?

(Laughing): Yeah.

Okay, if it's amniotic fluid, it will smell sweet. Let me take a look.

(Jenny yells) Stop it!

What? What?

You're doing really well.

You're about eight centimeters dilated.

Oh! Continue to breathe through it... breathe in and out. Doing great, babe.

Steady breathing. Okay.

What's the word? It's been 14 hours.

This baby's not coming out.

Look, draft's about to start.

You coming or what?

Just hold on one second.

Nice. How are those contractions?

Oh. Oh! Oh.

They feel kind of like that every couple minutes.

About every three minutes. Thank you.

(Jenny sighs) We're not gonna make it.

Whatever, caption auto draft.

Has the draft started?

Yeah, but you know what?

We'll do the draft from here.

Yeah. I got a phone. Okay, good.

Oh, here we go. Don't worry. Really. Okay.

Okay, good, good, good, breathe. Breathe.

All right, this is good.

Breathe and tell me your thoughts on Adrian Peterson. What?

Where are you picking? Third.

Are you crazy?! God. I know.

I don't know. I...

He's on the B.U.B. still. Mr.

McArthur, can we let her concentrate here, please? Yes, of course.

Adrian Peterson's a beast, but it did happen week 16.

What do you think about that ACL?

Listen to me! You are about to become the father of a boy, and I would be remiss in my duties if I did not tell you that I think Adrian Peterson, any time before the third round, is nuts. Yup.

No running back has ever come back from an ACL to have a good season the following year with the exception of deuce McAllister, and he was 22 years old at the time.

Just what he said.

What kind of league is this, anyway? It's an eight-man league.

That's child's play.

Let's focus on this, okay?

Yes. Oh, oh. Oh, here we go!

Okay, keep breathing.

Keep breathing now. Okay, here it comes.

Now don't push.

Get your mitt and your pail.

Get it out. We don't use... We don't use a mitt or a pail.

Having my baby. Let's get this baby out.

Let's keep breathing here. Come on, baby.

There you go... hey, hey, hey!

Let's get ready to draft!

Excuse me. You guys have to wait outside. Well, the Commissioner is requiring that we draft here. (Taco whoops)

All right, I love hospital parties.

Where is the bar?

(Jenny gasps and groans) There's no bar.

It's a hospital. It's America.

There's always a bar. This cannot happen.

You people cannot be in here.

No. They can stay.

I want to make my own first-round pick.

Oh, God! Okay, the baby is descending.

It's time to push. All right!

It's happening? Hey, Jenny, what's the wifi password? (Jenny groans loudly)

Is that all caps or lower case?

Doc, I'm gonna use the bassinet for these stickers.

They're basically sterile.

The bar is officially open.

Who wants a screwdriver?

Okay, the baby is crowning.

Oh, looking good, Jenny!

Hey, get back behind the line of scrimmage! Off sides, Andre!?

Fine. Go!

Shh, shh, shh. It's really good.

So the Commissioner announces that the draft will begin now.

Jenny, I need you to ignore your bullshit eight-man league and focus on your baby, please.

Yeah, just breathe.

Oh, I can do both.

With the first pick in the draft, we have Taco.

And with my first pick, I would like to announce a trade. What?!

What? Really?

A trade? A who done it? Well, I'll tell you who done did it. Oh.

Arian Foster. Puh-pwap! No!

Oh! Come on!

You traded away your first-round draft pick?

What did you get in return? Naming rights.

What? Kevin?! Push, Jenny, push!

(Plays note on harmonica) That's it.

Push for me! Push!

One big push! Howdy, y'all.

What the hell is this?

Is that cowboy sterile?

I doubt it.

♪ There's a new Sheriff in town... ♪

Come on, push, Jenny.

Try to ignore them.

No! I don't want it like this!

♪ And this cowpoke's name is Chalupa Batman McArthur... ♪

What the hell, Kevin?!

Push. Push. Good. Push.

One more big push, Jenny. There you go!

(All talking at once) (Cheering)

We have a son!

♪ Chalupa Batman McArthur!

(Baby cries, Taco whoops) Oh!

See? Everything sounds better coming from a cowboy.

Oh, f*ck you guys.

It is decided.

Chalupa Batman.

Both: Yee-haw!