04x02 - The Hoodie

[bunniefuu]

Kevin: Guys, football is back, it's the first game of the season.

It's like nothing else matters now.

Pete: Oh, yes, come on.

Andre: Oh, are you kidding me?

Ogletree.

This guy picks up Ogletree off the waiver wire, then, boom, two touchdowns.

I got a little system.

Ruxin: Look, Pete, we all have systems.

Yeah, but my system actually works.

Oh, really?

Yeah, look, I just look at all the players that are available, I give them plus ones or minus ones for all the attributes, and it actually kind of works for women, too.

How so?

Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free agency market, right?

The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.

Yeah, they've been drafted to other people's teams.

And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage.

Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know.

This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.

Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?

Pretty much, yeah.

I mean, look, here's an example.

These three nice ladies over here.

The one in the middle-- she's beautiful.

That gives her a plus two, but look closely under the fingernails-- there's some chalk.

Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early.

That's a big minus one for me.

Also, very expensive necklace-- not affordable on a teacher's salary.

That means she's probably taken.

That gives her a minus two, which means I got to find another player to pick up.

Wow.

Hey there, I'm Pete.

How's it going?

Hey. Milana.

No, I could never do this because I'm not good at math.

I'd lose track of the numbers.

Can't believe that worked.

Taco: Hold on, I'm gonna try this.

I'm gonna pick up Kevin's beer off the waiver wire.

No, that's just stealing, Taco, it's theft.

Mmm.

Uh-uh, I don't have time to teach you how to play fantasy football.

Plus one, minus one.

And zero.

So, how's the new pediatrician?

Jenny: Dr. Levenson is fantastic.

Good.

Ellie has a rash, though.

Probably gonna have to go back.

Oh.

Um, and then next week we're gonna have to bring Christopher in for his circumcision.

What, wait... circumcision?

We're, we're doing that?

Why wouldn't we?

Because we haven't even had a discussion about it.

What is there to talk about?

What is there to talk about?

I mean, you're taking a piece of him away.

Yeah, then folding it back.

No, chopped off and then taken to some foreskin wonderland.

Okay, you know what?

We're not done discussing this yet.

I haven't made my full argument.

I'm gonna go to the restroom, collect my thoughts, and when I come back, we'll continue this conversation.

Okay, you do that.

Just one?

I can do this in one.

What's it like being counsel for Taco Corp now that he actually has some money?

There are more meetings, and they're longer, and he keeps talking about some corporate retreat, which I know is just a sweat lodge at Burning Man.

Coming through.

Hey, guys.

(sighs)

I am loving this waiver wire stuff.

What's with the bike, Taco?

Oh, that was on some guy's front porch, and I picked it up off the waiver wire.

That's stealing.

And now I'm going to pick this plate up off the waiver wire as well.

That's also stealing.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Sutton, how are you?

Hey, what's up?

Good to see you.

How you been?

Hey, good-- oh, hey.

Hey, good to see... Andre, please.

No, it's okay.

Thank you.

What's going on?

I haven't seen you and Roger around lately.

Oh, yeah, you guys don't know.

We broke up.

Oh, sorry.

Wow.

No, no, i-it's totally fine.

We, we just weren't right for each other.

You guys are just having sex now?

(laughing): No, no, I... Clean break.

Okay, well, anyhow, welcome to the terrible world of being single.

No, I am so excited.

I can't wait to just get back out there.

We'll catch up soon.

Yeah, totally.

It's good to see you guys.

Good to see you.

Yeah, see you.

All: Bye.

I'll, I'll bump you a text.

Sutton is suddenly single, guys.

So she's on the waiver wire.

Yeah, and who will pick her up first?

I got priority.

She talked to me first.

She hugged me, she grabbed my elbow before she left.

You're kidding me.

I have priority.

I haven't touched a boob in, like, a year.

I should have priority.

I masturbated to her, like, six years ago.

Taco, you have a bike, you have a sandwich.

That's enough, okay? Honestly.

Uh-uh.

Oh, you're disgusting.

I dropped the sandwich.

As your commissioner, I believe that I should weigh in on this.

You're not our life commissioner.

I am indeed your life commissioner, and in so I have decided that Pete has priority.

Oh.

Bullshit-- no, no, no, no, you can't tell me what to do.

You're not a god.

I'm the closest thing to God you shits ever got.

She wants to chop the top of my son's d*ck off!

Hello, Kevin, nice to see you, too.

Jenny wants to rip the foreskin off of baby Christopher.

All: Chalupa Batman.

Fine. You know, it's unthinkable to me.

I mean, it's archaic and unnecessary.

As a doctor, it is not archaic.

It's very common.

Foreskin is a McArthur family tradition like alcoholism.

Look, show you.

What are you doing?

Yeah, look at that.

Just, just hold on.

I'm just gonna give an example.

Look how beautiful and smooth this looks.

A hoodie.

How do you wash it?

It's easy.

You just got to get in there with soap and water.

Scrub it up.

Guys, guys, guys, I'm not a human d*ck, okay?

I think history has proven otherwise.

But here's the thing.

For me, why even bother with washing it when it can be down here?

I mean, that's what you want to have sex with, right?

You got a Corvette, you rock it with the top down.

Well, I like my hoodie up, like Belichick on a cold December Sunday.

All right, fine, The McAsterisk boys have made their claims.

Obviously, we know where we stand.

Andre, where are you at?

To each his own.

Well, what are you, cut or uncut?

You guys are ridiculous.

Why are you sipping water like you're testifying in front of Congress?

'Cause it's personal and it's private and it's none of your business.

Andre, you blog about everything.

I don't blog about everything.

I blog about magic and sometimes Don Henley.

Is this weird that we've known you for literally this long and we don't know what your penis looks like?

But you threw him in the lake nude when we were in high school.

Yeah, I wasn't looking at his crotch.

Oh, you didn't want to cheat on Kevin.

I've seen his balls a few times, but never his d*ck.

Guys, you're perverts, all right, and it's none of your business and you'll never know, and that's it, case closed.

As the Commissioner, I demand to know what your penis looks like!

Okay, I'm recusing myself from this situation.

Thank you very much.

And I'm taking your bike.

No, no, no, you do not have priority.

Thank you.

Shiva: What's with Ruxin?

Is he walking again?

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's walking, sleeping in a crypt, afraid of garlic.

He came in last place in the league, which, by the way, I won last year.

I won the Shiva, huh?

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Also kind of creepy.

No, you're taking it the wrong way.

I won you! I own you!

Way worse, in fact.

Why?

Kevin, your trophy is the Shiva.

I am Shiva.

I am not a sloppily made symbol of your lost youth.

Fine. I'm sorry.

I didn't want this to be weird.

I just came here to talk about foreskin.

I thought you were here to talk about the reunion.

No, no, that was just a brilliant ploy to get in the door.

Of course it was.

I need you to tell my wife that it's better for my son to be uncircumcised.

(Shiva chuckles)

You can do this, right?

No, I'm not doing that.

That's inappropriate.

I came up with this affidavit.

If you would just sign it.

Okay. "I, Shiva Komedi Somakanakram, do by so solemnly swear that Kevin McArthur and I had great sex"...?

Oh, Kevin, we were 16.

It was in the back of Pete's mom's car.

Can I put down "satisfied" then?

It didn't even last a whole Aerosmith song.

So, "acceptable"?

All right?

What?! Oh, come on.

This is something that you should be talking to your pediatrician about, maybe a psychiatrist.

I don't know. Maybe both.

Well, Dr. Levenson is not on my team, so...

Oh, you guys are with Levenson?

Yeah.

Oh, he's really cute.

Cute?

Yeah. You met him, right?

No, I haven't met him.

Well, what does he look like?

Oh. Um...

So cute.

Yale grad, John Hopkins Medical.

Such a catch.

I got... I got to go.

Um... with-with your permission, I'm gonna forge your signature on this.

Do not have my permission.

Thank you!

Hi, babe. Wash up.

You can help me with dinner, okay?

Okay.

Great.

Hey.

Hey.

How was the doctor?

I heard he's good-looking.

He was great.

Ellie still has this rash.

No, no, I said "good-looking."

What? He's a great doctor.

He's wonderful with Christopher, and Ellie loves him, don't ya, babe?

Yeah, I also really like the perfume that you wear to the doctor's office.

Oh, the perfume you wear to the doctor's office!

I bet you smell magnificent!

Ellie, come here for a second.

Show me on this doll where the doctor touches Mommy.

Be specific.

Kevin, stop it!

Ellie, go wash up for dinner.

You are being ridiculous!

Am I?

Yes, Dr. Levenson is a wonderful doctor!

You know, I'm beginning to put this whole thing together.

This is all a big ploy to get circumcised.

You want our son to get a Levenson.

You probably wish I had a Levenson.

I can't believe you've turned this whole thing into a conversation about your penis.

You know what? I just figured you enjoyed my leading man.

I do. He's more of a character actor, but I enjoy him.

Fine. You know what?

Character actors work all the time.

I have the Stephen Tobolowsky of dicks.

And that's wonderful.

But for our son, I want him to have a Brad Pitt.

Well, he's gonna get a Stephen Tobolowsky.

He's gonna get Brad Pitt.

Tobolowsky!

Brad Pitt.

Well, you know, it's time to make a decision about this.

How are we gonna do that?

We're playing each other this weekend.

How about we play for our son's foreskin?

Bring it on.

Thank you.

Sutton!

Hey! (chuckles)

This is crazy!

What are you doing here?

This is so weird to bump into you twice here.

It's absolutely insane.

Except that it's not because I've been having all of my lunches here since I found out you work nearby.

This is seriously my third sandwich today.

You are late.

I know, I had a meeting.

Oh, a meeting. Oh, okay.

Well, I'm glad you brought that up because, um, how do you feel about night meetings?

You mean, like, a date?

Well, those are your words, not mine, but, but yeah.

I mean, if you were free on Saturday night, would you be interested in having a night meeting with me?

I can't.

Oh, is it, is it too soon with Roger and...?

No, no, no, no, actually I'm going out with your friend Taco.

Taco?

Yeah, I bumped into him outside my apartment, and he asked me out.

What was Taco doing outside your apartment?

I don't know.

He said he worked for the phone company, but it looked like he was just taking a nap.

And you're going out with this person Saturday night?

I am, yeah. It should be fun.

So I'll catch you later.

Okay.

Bye.

Bring your wallet.

Hi. Um, I'm gonna put this back.

Taco, you have three girlfriends already.

I need a backup.

People die all the time.

A month ago, I had four girlfriends.

Rest in peace, Oksana.

g*dd*mn that mountain lion.

Just throw me a bone, will ya, okay?

You don't need this one.

Girls are like kickers, you can never have enough.

Taco, you don't need a lot of kickers!

When are you gonna get that through your head?

When I drop her, you can pick her up.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

As your life commissioner, I'd love to help out.

So, in this case, I think Pete needs a lady, and Taco could use a wide receiver.

So maybe there could be a trade here.

Actually, not a bad idea.

Go on.

What do you think about Golden Tate?

That's my favorite cereal.

♪ Golden Tate, put it in your... ♪

Sounds like we got a deal.

Nuh-uh-uh-uh.

Sutton is worth a lot more than a mediocre wide receiver.

I'd say that she's worth Greg Jennings.

No, okay, look, Sutton is an attractive girl.

Is she Greg Jennings hot?

No, but she might be Eric Decker hot.

No-no-no-no-no, tell me more about this Greg Jennings guy.

Fine, fine, Greg Jennings.

As Commissioner, I sanctify this trade and so on and so forth.

All right, listen, I need your help with my lineup, or my son Chalupa Batman is gonna get the worst buzz cut of his life.

What are you talking about?

I am playing Jenny this week for my son's foreskin.

Wait, so we're in the National Foreskin League?

Yeah, we're all playing to get into the Sheatha Bowl.

Are we finished now?

No, I'm sorry, you're finished because there's no way you're b*ating Jenny this week.

The over/under on your kid's schwanz, is that kid getting his D shorn from base to tip.

Poor little Chalupa is gonna lose his crispy outer shell.

Can you not speak of my son's member as if it was fourthmeal?

I'm doing everything I can do here, guys.

I even made a pilgrimage to see Shiva, who, by the way, is not happy that her picture is still on the trophy.

Really?!

Yeah, I would consider that an honor.

Washington Headskins!

Oh, nice.

You have to excuse Taco.

He's on a five-second tape delay.

Guys, I just left a k*ller message for Sutton.

It looks like Andre's gonna get a little date action.

I don't think so.

I just traded for her.

What are you talking about you traded for her?

I have priority.

It's been months.

Come on. It's not fair!

Talk to the commissioner.

Look, Andre, I approved this trade.

I think you're gonna have to take care of yourself.

Stop it, all right?

It's a hoodie, I do not look like a penis, okay?

Give me a break, all right, 'cause I got into a thing this morning.

Hit my head on the car and...

Oh, you should sit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come here.

You have a serious head injury, yeah.

Come on, man.

Poor you.

You should rest your arms, take a nice deep breath.

Why don't you lower your head to your chest just a little.

But your chin.

It'll help your breathing.

Oh, breathing. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now you know what?

Straighten him up a little bit.

Straighten him up.

Tell you what, let's get this a little more erect.

Work the helmets.

Oh, yeah, I should rub these helmets.

How are you feeling?

That feels good, yeah.

Andre, straighten it up a little bit.

Stiffen up a little.

Does that feel good?

Yeah, feels really good.

Feels good?

Oh!

Perfect.

You feel all right?

I feel spent.

Whoo! I got to hit the sack, I think.

Okay, why don't you go take a little nap?

Go take a nap.

All right.

We'll clean up for you, bud.

All right.

Congratulations.

Yeah. Well, well... Look at this.

Look at that.

Oh, money sh*t.

So, Shiva, I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd come by and talk to you a little bit about the reunion.

Save it. Kevin was in here a few days ago with the same excuse.

Why was Kevin here?

He wanted me to sign some piece of paper that said I enjoyed having sex with him because he wasn't circumcised.

What a pig!

But here we are, just a couple gals chatting away.

Why don't you just, like, dish to me about what Andre's crank is like?

His what?

Yeah, his little Ed Hardy.

His Mr. Magoo.

Why do you care?

Because he won't tell me, and I think that's rude.

Well, it's his penis, and he can do whatever he wants with it.

Look, I'm not asking for his Social Security number, I just want the 411 on his little fatty.

Why would I tell you this?

Because I can have that unfortunate picture of you from high school taken off of our trophy.

How?

Haven't you heard?

I'm the commissioner.

What are you doing, Green Bay?

Wrap him up and tackle him.

I will take any points from Frank Gore right now.

You know what? I can't wait to tell little baby Chalupa Batman that the very nature of his donger was determined by a garbage time TD.

How's that Shiva bowl going?

Wait, wait, wait, wait-- what happened to the hoodie?

Okay, I'm not wearing the hoodie anymore.

Had enough about the hoodie.

Changed into something where you can't make fun of me, okay?

Andre, now it kind of looks like your head's coming out of a vag*na.

Actually, I see what he's talking about because you have a labia minora, labia majora...

Yes, it's called a polo shirt and a sweater, okay?

And when did you guys become gynecologists over here?

Here's all the pubic hair.

You got to trim this.

What's that little button on the front there?

It's a clit.

It's not a clit.

It's a clasp.

You like to twist that up?

No, no, you don't twist it, babe.

What you do, you take it, you just give it a little flip.

Take it from the bean flicking master.

You got to get really aggressive with it.

Stop, stop that.

I like to rest my helmet right on it and just rub it.

You know what, you're all perverts.

You're all, you're disgusting.

You're getting all wet.

I'm gonna bring you home.

(laughter)

Half!

Shiva?

What do you mean, half?

Andre is half circumcised.

What?

What?

Wait, how do you have half a foreskin?

Guess that would make it a two-skin?

Is that even possible?

It is possible.

Sometimes, when attempting to circumcise a macrosomia... What's that?

It's a big, fat baby.

One encounters problems removing the entire foreskin because of the super pubic fatty tissue.

Baby fupa.

Baby fupa!

We call it a buried penis.

I'm sorry, I misspoke.

A buried penis.

So basically, Andre's doctor got what he could.

Just like scraping the barnacles off a boat blindfolded in rough seas.

Oh, no.

Thank you.

Why would you do this?

I thought we were cool.

We are cool.

It's just that Rodney promised that, as commissioner, he would use his powers to take my photo off of the trophy.

What?

Wait, what? No.

I did not agree to that.

Ruxin, you can't do that.

You need a league vote for something like that.

You promised.

Okay, come on, guys.

No!

I'm sorry, no.

Can't do it.

Oh, tried my hardest.

Sorry, Shivs.

You're gonna double-cross me?

You know what? This is bullshit.

Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This league is a pain in my ass.

I didn't ask to be a part of it, and I want out.

But you're the Shiva.

That's right, I am the Shiva.

Totally.

And the Shiva is angry.

This league does not have the Shiva's blessing.

This year will go badly for everyone.

The Shiva has spoken.

Hate the new furniture, Andre.

A little dramatic for a urologist, don't you think?

I think that was a pox.

I knew she was a witch doctor.

Let's just get back to the game.

Yes, Frank Gore!

(groaning)

Garbage time TD.

There goes baby Chalupa's foreskin.

His name is Christopher, and because I won, Belichick is losing the hoodie.

Oh, this is me, so... Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Well, that was really fun, and I look forward to future meetings, and it was...

Yeah.

It's really... Oh.

Um, um.

I just missed.

This is awkward, um... I had a really great time tonight, but, um, I just...

I don't think that this is gonna work.

You know that already?

Yeah, I'm getting older, and I feel like a lot of guys, they have baggage, so I've just, I've had to, uh...

Implement a system.

Exactly, yes.

I understand.

All right, I hate to ask, but how did I do?

Okay, full head of hair, plus one.

Confident, plus one.

I like that you stalked me in the food court for a while, plus one.

This is good.

You're thorough.

But there's the immaturity, minus one.

Fear of commitment, minus one.

That's right.

You had three drinks, minus one.

You had four.

You were in the bathroom so long, minus one.

Wait, wait, wait, there was a line there; we discussed this.

I stand by that.

For the men's room? Come on.

Bragging about how much sleep you get, minus one.

It's a nice quality.

And you didn't have to tell me what celebrity every single person in the restaurant looked like.

I'm still convinced that guy might have been Tony Danza.

Minus one, and I'm not even gonna get into the whole thing about how you're still friends with my ex-boyfriend, and I'm sure you've talked about what I'm like in bed.

Sutton, I would never do...

All right, minus one.

So that's minus seven.

(Pete exhales)

That's rough.

Sorry, Pete.

Good night.

Well played, Sutton.

You're out of my league.

Oh, hey, Pete.

Taco, what the hell are you doing here?

I'm gonna hang out with Sutton.

Yeah, but... No, no, I know.

I know the deal.

No dating, just sex.

Yeah, but... Independently wealthy, plus eight.

All right, Christopher, are you ready for your first haircut?

I'm not comfortable with this at all.

It doesn't look very sterile.

I saw some kid picking his nose outside.

Have you met your daughter?

What's that supposed to mean?

(knocking on door)

Hey, hey!

It's the MacArthur clan.

How are you?

Jenny, good to see you.

Hi, hey.

Mr. MacArthur, finally, we meet.

Yes.

You're a lucky man.

Let me tell you this.

Your wife does not look like she just had a baby.

Well, she had a baby, 'cause I put it inside her.

Kevin.

With my penis.

Kevin.

Okay, good.

Hey, Ellie, how you doing there, kiddo?

How's you rash going?

Whoa, what's going on here?

There's no rash.

What about your neck?

It disappeared.

How did it disappear?

I don't know.

Just one of those things, I guess.

Oh, top of his class, huh?

Okay, we're good to go.

I've done thousands of these, so please, you're in safe hands.

I don't want you to worry about a thing.

Easy does it.

All right, this isn't a Benihana.

You're not gonna pop his foreskin into a shirt pocket.

No.

Okay, you guys have any last questions before we go ahead?

I'm good, I'm ready.

Um, I can't... We can't watch this.

I... we should wait outside.

Why do they do this to poor little babies like baby Christopher?

'Cause Daddy doesn't know how to set a line up.

Let's go.

You ready?

Yes, ready.

Great.

So there's convertibles and then there are hardtops.

Some people like the convertibles, but trust me, hard tops are much better.

It's a classic look.

Oh, did Mommy bring her special perfume to the doctor's office again?

No, she didn't want to wear it, but I did.

Is it itching?

Yeah.

It's the perfume that's making you itch.

I'm a genius.

Okay, I'll be right back.

I gotta go.

Okay, I think we're all set to go.

Let's do this.

He's so brave.

Boo!

Geez.

Hah! It was the perfume, b*tches.

And you call yourself a doctor?

(crying)

Oops.

Oops?

Oops?

Oops, like that's the best job you've ever done, oops, right?

Please tell me you did not just make a mistake.

Well...

Half a one.