04x05 - Judge MacArthur

[bunniefuu]

Andre: What is a group of penguins called?

Pete: A) Mungel.

Ruxin: B) Creche.

Final answer-- Oh... creche!

Oh, yeah!

(high-pitched): CoCo Beware!

CoCo Beware!

On the border of which two countries does Mount Everest lie?

A) India and China?

Taco: Trivia time.

B) Tibet and Nepal.

Whoa.

Bam!

k*lling it!

Oh, yeah, mother-fah...!

It's not even fun playing this-- I just dominate you guys so severely.

No.

What is the largest "dessert" in the world?

This thing's broken.

Banana split's not even there.

You think you're smarter than us?

(laughs): Oh, my God, I destroyed all of you guys on the SAT's.

The SAT's are culturally biased.

That's why I got high and rode a snowmobile through a mall instead of taking them.

Guys, I was in school longest, I'm the smartest-- that's the way it works.

Andre, I have a fake notary degree from a Venezuelan vocational school.

Trust me, it doesn't make you a genius.

By the way, I'm not sure that banana split's the biggest dessert-- I was just guessing.

Hey!

Kevin: Hey, I have an announcement to make.

After some careful consideration, I've decided to run for public office.

Really?

If you're gonna be working at the DMV, I need a license.

No, I, uh, I've decided to run for judge.

You're gonna be a judge?

Is there any chance that you're just doing this because you're not commissioner anymore?

No, I'm meeting with the judging committee tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

Listen, Kevin, you know I love you...

We all do.

Mm.

I'm not sure I see this.

Judges are supposed to be impartial.

All you do is freak out.

I do not freak out.

Look at your face.

How can you have a judge face?

You freak.

I have a judge face.

You want to see what it looks like?

Love to.

Looks like you're trying to pass one of these wasabi peas through your urethra.

(low growl): Mmm... What are you doing?

I'm being wise.

Let me give you a tip.

"Mmm" is the least wise sound you can make.

You'd be a terrible judge.

Judges are bald and distinguished.

Andre could be a judge, if he were distinguished.

Hey, I'm not bald.

What's that, now?

Guys, I'm not bald.

Look, I have, like, very, you know, thin, like, like, clear hair.

Okay, so these are basically like those clear friends you played with growing up.

Or like that clear girlfriend you had at camp who let you finger her in the water ski shack.

Guys, I have hair.

I'm gonna need a ruling on this one.

Judge Kevin, here's your first case.

Bald! And may God have mercy on your scalp.

No, that looks like your vinegar strokes.

(low growl): Mmm... Mr. McArthur, I don't know whether or not you're prepared for the rigors of judgeship.

Most lawyers cut their teeth being commissioner before serving as a judge.

Well, then, you know, you're talking to the right guy.

I've been a commissioner for the past eight years.

Oh.

Yeah, I've been dealing with parties who would do anything to s*ab the other person in the back-- manipulation, collusion... Antitrust.

Yes, nobody trusts anybody.

Yeah.

I don't trust him, he doesn't trust him, nobody trusts my wife, and when it comes down to it, I just want to have fun and I want to win.

I like your passion.

Thank you.

This league that I'm in... Mm.

...is competitive... What's the name?

Yeah, it's got a name.

What is it?

It is the League of Extraordinary Business... Gentlemen.

Jenny: So, you think it went well today.

No, no, I know it went well today.

Really?

Well, Ellie, this is a lovely tea party.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

And I hope you have non-gluten options here?

And in the middle of the meeting, I realized there's really nothing that a judge does that a fantasy commissioner doesn't.

Except for sentencing people to prison.

God, I wish when I was commissioner I could've put some of these frittatas in prison.

Wait, let me get this straight-- you want to be a judge just to get back at people?

No, it's about justice, Andre.

Justice for all of those who have stood in my way for years.

That's vengeance.

Yeah.

Oh. (chuckles)

What a nice little hat.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

I'm putting a hat on your head so your head doesn't get cold, 'cause you don't have any hair.

I do... I do have hair.

I have hair.

Actually, no, you don't.

This is hair.

You don't have hair, you have skin.

No, I have, um... like, a clear hair.

There's no such thing as clear hair.

Okay, you know what, there's no such thing as a backyard tea party.

I mean, I don't even know what the theme is.

Are we in an American girl place, or are we supposed to be in Colonial London?

And this pink tea, what is that?

It's pretend!

Like your hair.

Okay, you know what?

I think my time at this tea party is done.

I have some places to be, so I will see you all... later.

You are really good with kids, Andre.

Thank you.

(Ellie whines)

Aw, you're the first person to ever be sad Andre's left.

Things went very, very well with Judge Hobart-- so much so, that he invited me to some educational charity function next week.

The whole judging committee's gonna be there, so I bought a table and I wanted to invite all of you to come-- under one condition: you cannot embarrass me at all.

Well, what if I get a fear boner?

I also have been known to light my crotch on fire when I'm in banquet halls.

Oh, very funny.

See, all those things happened to someone you know as Kevin, but they did not happen to...

(taps table)

...Judge McArthur.

So which one traded away his son's naming rights?

That would be Kevin.

Okay, and which one of you Yobogoya'd on the side of the road in front of Ellie's teacher?

That was an emergency, but it would also be Kevin.

Yeah, you probably don't want to do that face at the charity dinner.

Unless judges are supposed to look like they're sh1tting out a yam.

Gentlemen! I know there's been a lot of talk lately about who is the smartest person in the league.

I thought we decided it was me.

Well, I have decided to settle this issue once and for all, and there's only one way to do it.

Oh. IQ test.

Nope.

Uh, removing our brains and studying them.

Good idea, but no.

We are going to take the Wonderlic, the very intelligence test that all the NFL players take.

I ordered it from the company.

I have not looked at it yet.

50 questions in ten minutes.

Highest score wins. Who's in?

I'll do it. Yeah, I'll do it.

Yeah? Come on, it'll be fun.

I don't need to take a test to prove that I'm smarter than you-- I already did that years ago.

I think your wiener over there is shrinking at the thought that one of us might b*at you in this thing.

My wiener is currently filling with blood because of the confidence that I feel that I am so much more intelligent than you-- I like to call it an intell-erection.

Sounds great. Prove it.

All right, I need all phones inside the basket, please.

Pass them down.

Test is being handed to you facedown.

Do not look at the test until the timer starts.

That means no peeking.

It was crooked.

All right, we got ten minutes to complete the test.

The timer starts now.

Okay.

I'm gonna go smoke a bowl.

I'll be right back.

Holy sh*t, is this for real?

These seem hard, but they're... not.

There's a lot of math.

How can an electronics store have an 182 customers in one day?

I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.

To the Wonderlic.

You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?

Susanna's giving away entirely too much of her tips.

Kevin, you're still on Susanna?

Yeah.

Can I have another pencil?

The Wilson family has an eating disorder.

Joan's coat cost... Just shut up.

Just shut up.

Who wants some sh*ts?

♪ ♪

All right.

"Begin on the next page."

One down.

Good job, Taco.

Well... Ruxin ate one of my answers.

(bell dings)

All right, time's up.

Hand 'em over. All done.

Hand 'em over.

Thank you very much.

Kevin, please.

Hold on.

Thank you very much.

I just have to do the one problem!

Yup, we're all set.

Let me... Oh, come on!

All right, guys.

Congratulations. You just completed the Wonderlic.

Oh, God.

Read 'em and weep, gentlemen.

As you can see, somebody named Pete... Oh.

...is the smartest.

I don't know who that is.

We have Andre in second, Ruxin came in third, and then we have the McAsterisks brothers tied for last.

Yeah. Brother.

Oh, can you...?

Don't touch me.

Yeah.

Not surprised I came in third, 'cause I was totally goofing around the whole time.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Goofing around.

Let's take a look at that test here.

Yeah, you really didn't care at all about this one, did you?

Just a little bit of tinkering on the Wonderlic?

Are you kidding me?

These tests don't prove anything.

Standardized tests are bullshit, and this one... Yeah.

...particularly is biased.

Oh, biased, what, against lawyers?

Well, it may be so, because Kevin tied with Taco.

Mm. In his defense, I am pretty wasted.

You know what?

You can't just come into a bar and spring a test on someone.

I wasn't prepared.

I sentence you to stupidity.

For life.

Now that's a judge face.

I got to get out of here, guys, all right?

Oh, poor Kev.

Good luck finding your way home, Kev.

Guys, I want to do something special for Kevin at this fund-raiser. You have any ideas?

Yeah, what if we...?

Aah. Pete, you're a really smart person.

Do you have any ideas?

Well, maybe we could donate an ice sculpture in his name.

That would be nice.

Yeah.

Oh, I like that.

Let's do that, yeah.

Wow. That's the best idea ever.

That was literally my idea.

I was about to say that.

Yeah, sure you were, dumb-dumb.

I was. In fact, I know a guy who makes ice sculptures.

I can get this done.

Okay, you can help.

Got to throw him a bone every once in a while.

That's nice of you.

Nice.

Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot.

I'm out of here.

Car's in the back, Ruxin.

Oh, sh*t on a bum!

Just kidding.

It's in the front.

Oh! Bum sh*t's on me!

And the thing with this Wonderlic test was not that the questions were so hard, but they were terribly-worded.

One of them was, like, "Randolph Scott, eight pairs of pants, four shirts and six ties-- how many days can he wear an outfit without repeating the same one?"

192 days.

Eight times six times four.

Maybe, but you know, probably not.

There were harder ones than that.

I mean, they even went as far as to make up words.

How many pints in a peck?

That's not even real.

What's a peck?

A peck is two gallons.

No, it's not, sweetheart.

You're wrong.

Mm, she's right.

No, she's not. She's wrong, and it's okay to be wrong.

I mean, look.

She's scratching her head.

She's confused.

Actually, it itches.

Let me look.

Oh, my... Oh!

What?

Oh, she has lice.

Oh, my God!

Ugh! I'm gonna take her to Dr. Levinson.

What is he gonna do-- shave off half her head?

You got to get her out!

You're gonna kick her out?

We have other kids to look after... and food.

Look, I need your help with something.

Workman's comp?

No, this is a commissioner-related issue.

Oh! Came to the commissioner.

Well, then, you came to the right place.

Look, I made a mistake.

Picked up the Philly D., planned on dropping Detroit running back Kevin Smith.

Uh-huh.

Accidentally dropped Carolina superstar Steve Smith.

Mm-hmm.

Obviously, this was a mistake, so as the commissioner, I could use your help overturning this, because whoever has first priority on the waiver tomorrow is gonna scoop him up.

Look, we all make mistakes.

Like, me-- I made a boneheaded mistake on that test, so if I took that Wonderlic test right now, I think I'd ace it.

You realize what's happening here.

Your identity is so tied up with being the smartest person in the group that you are turning yourself into a dumb-dumb.

I am not a dumb-dumb, Pete.

I'm highly intelligent.

I wear glasses.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

So you're just as sharp and quick as ever?

Yeah.

Well, if that's the case, then, I think I'm just gonna head on over to Kevin's, and, uh, we're gonna munch down on some sausages.

Time's up! You see?

Ah.

You should have been on that like Pete's...

Both: ...on Kevin! Yes!

Both of those h*m* quips were on the tip of my tongue.

You're a super, well-intentioned dummy like Fredo.

I'm not Fredo, okay?

I've seen Scarface before.

I know how that movie ends.

You mean Scarfather?

Scarfather. Exactly.

Except it's Godfather.

Godfather!

You're in real trouble here.

My brain just feels like one of those Gymborees filled with fun balls, and there's kids pissing all over the place right now.

Maybe you should talk to somebody with experience, like, call Taco.

Oh, sh*t!

Taco, the ice sculpture.

I got to go here.

Ow! Aah!

Okay.

Caught a nard.

Garage is not that way.

I know where the garage is, Pete.

I was just kidding.

I needed something from the kitchen before I left.

What the hell is this?

This is an ice sculpture of Kevin.

No. This is half of an ice sculpture.

Oh, I told them, I wanted Kevin, but half the size, and I guess they confused that and just gave me half of Kevin.

Don't blame other people.

I put you in charge of this.

You even got the bottom half wrong.

I told you the cock bulge should be left-leaning.

I thought I wrote that down.

Geez, you're a stupid, stupid man!

It's just, I think I got a lot on my plate with work and family, and Pete wants me to do this Steve Smith thing.

And on top of it, you got the day wrong.

I told you, tomorrow, not today!

Where am I supposed to store an ice sculpture overnight downtown?

What if you...

Eh!

No, but if...

Eh!

Look, I... I'll deal with this on my own.

Taco, I could just...

Just get out of the way!

I can figure this out.

I can help, but... You know how you can help?

By shutting your mouth and breathing through your nose once in a while.

I'm not a mouth-breather.

I'm not like Eli.

Shut up, you idiot!

I'm not dumb!

I'm a smart person!

What?

It's from The Scarfather.

The Godfather! Aah!

I just don't think this is a good idea.

Oh, I just need you to keep it here for one night.

My birdbrain lawyer messed up the dates.

Just so weird.

All right, let me ask you this.

How do you feel about unconventional p*rn?

I work in a morgue.

Well, I've got a homemade p*rn here only seen by a handful of people about the adventures of Dr. Andre No-d*ck.

You mean this doctor really has... no d*ck?

If he does, I haven't found it.

Oh, let me see.

Do we have a deal?

Deal.

All right!

Feel free to upload that wherever you want.

Okay.

Who's in here?

That was that motorcycle accident.

Awesome!

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm gonna need a few more of these.

Oh, I can't believe we're Eskimo brothers.

Movie night.

Good impressions.

Good impressions.

Positive energy, good impressions.

Yup. We are not gonna talk about our lice-infested daughter.

Okay. Ah, Judge Hobart.

Hey, McArthur.

This is my wife, Jenny.

Ah. I am so excited about Ryan Fitzpatrick speaking tonight.

Oh, me, too.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ryan Fitzpatrick-- he's the, uh, quarterback for the Buffalo Bills?

Two TDs and 240 yards last week?

I can't wait to meet him.

But... what is important is that he cares about a cause as vital as education.

Well, I wish he cared as much about throwing to Stevie Johnson, 'cause that dude is k*lling me.

Thank you... Thank you.

I was speaking frankly.

Too frank.

Kevin! Ta-da!

What is this?

It's you.

This is not me.

No, I know the crotch is all wrong-- it's way too centered.

It should be... right over here.

No, no. It's missing... the top.

That's not my fault, okay?

Ruxin was in charge of this.

That guy's such an idiot.

Do you guys smell something weird?

Oh. Ruxin had it delivered yesterday, so I had to leave it at the morgue overnight.

Th-The morgue?

Yeah.

So this smell is in fact death?

Not the moment of death-- that doesn't smell like anything.

It's the bodies decomposing as a result of death.

Taco, what the hell is that?

That's a toe tag.

So that they can identify it as mine.

Okay. Thank you.

What... W... No, no, please stop talking.

Oh, man.

(exhales sharply)

(exhales sharply)

There's dumb and then there's just plain stupid.

But, look, Andre's really hitting it off with Hobart, so that's great.

My God, I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for Andre.

Why is he itching like a maniac?

God... he has lice.

No!

Ellie gave him lice.

No!

We have to say something.

Well, we can't tell him tonight.

He's gonna give lice to everybody.

We have to tell him.

You are going to keep your judge face on.

Judge face.

Oh, hey! Look at this.

Oh, God, they're coming over.

Hey, hey! What's going on?

Yeah.

Judge Hobart is the man.

No, this guy is a hoot.

'Course he is.

Yes, he is.

Did you know Hobart plays a little squash?

I'm gonna tear this guy up.

Well, I'm gonna judge you on the court.

Come on, come on, grr!

(all chuckling)

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, man.

Hey, Judge Hobart.

I-I just... I have to tell you, you... at this point, probably... Excuse us.

Excuse us, please.

Sure.

They don't get out much-- they have kids.

Judge face... Hey, hey, hey, where is Ruxin?

He has not given me Steve Smith.

It was an accidental drop.

A drop is a drop, Steve Smith is mine.

Oh, God, why did I teach you how to use the waiver wire?

Sorry I'm late, I was distracted.

Ruxin, you didn't undo the drop.

I couldn't figure out how to make it work.

I'm new at commissioner.

You can't undo a drop, Pete.

Will you just live with it?

It was a mistake, Jenny.

Yeah, you're too smart to make a mistake.

You're not an idiot like Ruxin.

Ruxin, an impartial judgment, please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this about the... What?

Is this about the add/drop thing?

'Cause I'm playing Pete this week, and, uh, I kind of want it to stand, so... Kevin, a little judgment, please?

No. I am not a commissioner.

I am going to be a judge, and if you're not very nice to me, I'm gonna send you all away to jail for life.

Ruxin, just make a decision.

Really? We're gonna let this mouth-breather decide?

Uh... I know what I'm doing!

I just need five minutes to debilitate.

Deliberate?

Deliberate, that's what I was gonna say.

Which way's the lobby?

To your left.

Okay.

Your other left.

Yes!

I'll be back... Embarrassing.

You know what, I better head to the bathroom.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This party is boring, and you probably don't want to be here anymore, so you should just, you know, take off.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I get what you're trying to do.

You don't want me to be around for the resolution of this add/drop thing.

No, no, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm gonna stick to you like white on rice.

All right, good to see you both.

Oh, my God.

He is covered.

He's sticking to us like white on lice.

Where is he?

(Ruxin singing scales)

Your commissioner has arrived.

Did you join a choir or something?

It's a judge's robe I found in the other room so I could look smart and imposing.

Very effective.

Except it's on backwards.

What? No, it's not.

(chuckling)

I hate this.

I thought dumb people were supposed to be happy.

It's complicated.

(Muzak playing)

Ah. Eh, eh.

No.

Oh... Oh!

(shrieks)

Lice.

Well, this ruling comes down from the Office of the Commissioner.

Office? I thought you were pretending to be in Sister Act.

There's some big words on...

No, I know all the words.

Holy sh*t. Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Sorry... I'm Pete.

I'm a huge fan.

Could I buy you a beer and we could be friends?

I-I'm just gonna have a quick soda.

I've got to do a speech tonight.

Oh, I'll take a Dark and Stormy and, uh, some kind of sandwich.

Actually, you know what, Ryan, if you don't mind just listening to this ruling, since you're a professional football player and I'm a professional commissioner.

I think you'll enjoy this.

Uh, this is the ruling of Ruxin, Pete v. Taco.

Now, while I wear these judge's robes, I am actually for all intensive purposes, the judge and jury.

Uh... I'm sorry to interrupt you, but it's with "all intents and purposes."

Isn't that what I said?

No, you said "intensive purposes."

I've heard both parties' arguments, and, frankly, I could care less.

It's "I couldn't care less."

You basically just said the opposite of what you meant.

Oh, so, like, for example, "Thanks for interjecting."

(clears throat) Okay.

Oh! Turkey. On rye.

Look, the question is in this particular case whether Pete's dropping of Steve Smith was an accident or was a tactical blunder.

I would argue that it's really all one in the same.

Yeah, oh, what now, Ryan?

I think you mean "one and the same."

God, you're so smart, man.

You know, your robe's on backwards.

It's not on backwards, it just... It fits b...

I can... Oh, you look so stupid.

You know what?

If you're so smart, what'd you get on the Wonderlic test?

Like, a 16?

48 out of 50.

How many days did that take you?

About nine minutes.

Ryan, it was under nine minutes-- don't be modest.

You set the record.

Oh, well, I guess I just didn't take that many standardized tests when I was at Northwestern, but... probably at the community college you crawled out of, it was a different deal, huh?

I went to Harvard.

Huh! Harvard?!

I can't believe you didn't know he went to Harvard.

I just forgot that he went to Harvard.

What an idiot.

I'm not an idiot!

I have a dearth of knowledge about a lot of different things!

Okay, Whoopi Goldberg, "dearth" means "lack of."

I'm about to give you a dearth of teeth!

Dearth of teeth or lack of teeth?

Oh, you mother... Dearth Vader, no!

Overall, not that bad.

It was good.

Oh, hi, guys.

Lice to meet you. Yeah, I know.

Your terrible daughter gave me lice.

Okay, all right, calm down.

Let me ask you a question.

How did you two not get it?

Look at you, you're like an animal.

You're Teen Wolf over here.

Okay, just relax, Andre.

Guess what I'm gonna have to do now.

I'm gonna have to shave my head, and people are gonna think that I'm bald now.

Now you could admit that you're bald.

Yes.

If I was bald, I couldn't have lice, because lice are in my clear hair!

Can you stop yelling "lice" and "hair," please?

Yeah, then you just admit that I have hair.

Fine, you have beautiful, luxurious, flowing clear hair.

No, I don't want to hear it from you; I want to hear it from her!

Come on... Out! I want him out of here.

Out!

De-hand me! De-hand me!

I'm the smartest guy in the league.

J-Just want to take the test one more time!

I took a prep course! I aced it!

I'm on Ritalin!

Hey. One of your assh*le League of Extraordinary Shitsippers just took a swing at Ryan Fitzpatrick.

I had nothing to do with that.

I want you out of here. Gone.

God, why am I itching?

That would be the lice.