04x06 - The Tailgate

[bunniefuu]

Pete: Why are we watching a commercial?

Give me this thing.

Kevin: I don't know.

You're a terrible driver.

What are you talking about?

The game's not even on right now.

It's Saturday; there's like 700 college games on.

If we go to commercial, you switch to another game.

Commercial there, switch to another game.

Halftime, catch two minutes of Storage Wars.

Sometimes I have to take a break in between.

Fine, then sleep on the side of the road and give the wheel to somebody else.

This is my domain.

Taco: Hey, guys.

Kevin, can I use your TV to play Sega Genesis?

I just got Joel Madden Football, and I'm getting good at it.

Ruxin: Joel Madden Football?

Yeah, he's the drummer of Good Charlotte.

I guess he likes football or something.

Hey, Taco, what's going on with the shirt?

Well, the official logo T-shirts are super expensive, so I started making my own.

People seem to like them, so I think I'm gonna sell them.

You know those rings are a blatant copyright infringement?

No, look, I rearranged the rings, and I spelled Olympix with an X.

And you misspelled London.

Yeah, I gave it an O instead of a U.

If you got a problem with it, talk to my lawyer.

I've been faxing him all week.

I gave him Andre's office fax number.

Give me that.

No, you're a bad driver.

You know what, I don't need your remote.

I think I have a second remote over here.

This is better than watching a nature channel.

It's very... (in English accent): In this episode of MacArthurs in the Mist, the silverback MacArthur searches for a second tool.

What he doesn't realize is that his search for the second tool is ultimately futile.

(laughs)

(grunting)

(chuckles)

It seems as though a shiny object has captured the male MacArthur's attention.

(grunts, horn honks)

(distant yelling)

(honking continues)

Andre: Ta-da.

What is this?

Check it out.

It may be an RV today, but on Sunday, in the Soldier Field parking lot, this becomes Dre Town.

I am taking you all on a tailgating experience of a lifetime. Yeah!

Awesome, Andre, thank you.

I don't want to go tailgating, and I don't want to go to a game.

I want to watch football in the comfort of my own home.

I knew you were gonna say that; that's why I have Ruxin-proofed this idea.

Really?

How about going to the stadium and sitting in hard, shitty seats?

We're in a box.

Okay, what about waiting in long bathroom lines for the privilege of pissing in a sink?

Private bathroom, no lines, no waiting.

How about not having Red Zone or being able to watch instant replay 'cause you're stuck in a stadium?

The RV is equipped with a dish and the box has TV.

Your Honor, case dismissed.

Boom, boom.

Boom, tailgating is awesome.

You get to drink beer early in the morning, you get to play touch football, we get to barbecue, yeah.

Barbecue. Huge.

(grunting)

Tailgating, tailgating.

Jenny: Ow, ow.

This is great.

It is. Ruxin, you need to stop being a little bitch and just enjoy the fact that we're gonna see the Bears live.

I love the Bears, but if the Bears are playing my fantasy team, Pete top, Kevin bottom, I would hope that they would b*at them worse than Phil Spector after a night of drinking.

Whoa, tailgating?

You know it.

Oh, this is a great idea.

It'll be the perfect place to launch my official unofficial NFL T-shirt line.

Is anyone living in here till Sunday?

What? No.

Great. I'm gonna move in.

I'll store my merch here.

I'm gonna turn it into my work loft space.

Let me introduce you to Taco Town, come on.

No, no, no. No one is moving...

This is Dre Town.

Taco Town.

This is perfect.

Ruxin, I got a problem.

I'm being cyber-bullied.

No.

Remember Donny "The Seed" Sadowski?

Oh, that kid from high school?

Yeah, looked like he was gonna punch you at any given moment.

Yeah, and would jerk off into his hand and then rub it into your hair?

He's threatening me.

What?

Yeah, check this out.

What's, uh, "bronies"?

Bros who like My Little Pony.

Oh, the Godspell reunion.

Those guys are the best.

I'd just love to get us back together for one trust circle.

This is what I'm nervous about.

Look at this, boom, boom, boom.

"I'm gonna seed you, soldier."

How did he find you?

I friended him.

You friended him?

Well, we all went to high school together. It's about creating a social network.

Of people who hate you and you hated in high school?

This is a thr*at, okay?

I need a restraining order.

So you want something that says he can't come within, like, 50 feet of you?

Yes, I need to protect myself.

You know, I have a practice, I have, you know, a future wife out there who doesn't want me to get hurt.

Your hypothetical imaginary wife doesn't want you to get hurt?

No, or my kids.

You have kids?

Of course, Tina, Tammy and Toni.

Three daughters?

Yeah, Toni with an "I."

So they're all gonna be strippers?

They have to be strippers?

That's true; one of them will end up doing burlesque if she's a little chunkier.

Okay, for the peace of mind of your future hypothetical wife and future hypothetical slutty daughters, I will file a restraining order for you.

Thank you.

I will file a restraining order against this, too.

Okay. Sorry.

Game day.

Tailgating, bro.

Up top.

Boom, yeah.

Bro?

Game day.

You call me bro now?

Yeah.

Really?

What, bro?

You have to stop calling me bro, okay, Kevin?

You have got such a sweet deal here.

I am so much hotter than any of your friends.

True.

And you get to have sex with me whenever I let you.

Thank you.

So if you want to enjoy that privilege, you have to start treating me like a lady.

Okay... ma'am?

You know what, better yet, treat me with the respect that you treat these Zubaz.

What? Ow.

Huh?

Okay, ow. All right.

Hold on. Ow.

All right, stop.

If you hit my happle, babe, nobody's going to the game.

Ow! Ow!

Come on, dude.

Feast your eyes on a spread unlike any other.

Tofu dogs, some almond butter nacho cheese and some vegetarian chili.

Where is the food?

What? This is the food.

No, this is vegetarian bullshit.

Where's the food?

Well, um, I was talking to somebody very recently who said, "Just because we're party animals doesn't mean we have to eat animals."

And was that person the cute checkout girl at Whole Foods?

Oh, Jesus.

(groans) Dre Town sucks goat scrote.

Dre Town does not suck goat scrote; it's the best.

It does; this is when I should be home, drinking my coffee, preparing my little tum-tum for a morning expl*si*n.

That's when I hit the toilet.

I do my little tinkering on my phone.

It's my tinker-stinker time, and now it's ruined.

Well, I knew Andre would pull a bitch move.

This is why I brought my own meat.

That's right, Kev!

There you go.

Fire up this grill.

Did you... did you fill the propane t*nk?

What do you mean?

It comes full, right?

It's not Avis, Andre.

You have to fill the propane t*nk when you rent the grill.

Dre Town sucks!

Dre Town does not suck.

It's full of delicious nutrients.

I don't want nutrients, Andre.

I'm gonna go sit on my fat ass inside with 60,000 other animals. I just want to be filled with grease.

Well, that's not good for you colon.

I don't care about my colon.

My colon is not my problem.

It's their problem.

(Jenny sighs)

Are you waiting for the bathroom?

Yeah.

Awesome. I had too many bloody Marys on the way here.

I have to pee so bad, so I'm just gonna cut...

Whoa, whoa, I don't think so.

You're gonna wait your turn in line.

I'm a lady.

We have tiny bladders.

Are you the same lady who recently posted on the message boards, "I will give up my priority on the waiver wire as soon as Pete shits out an omelet for Andre to eat."

One in the same, and I'm still waiting for that omelet.

Whoo!

Well, bathroom's broken.

What? How broken?

All the way.

I got to stop eating mayonnaise.

(Jenny groans)

Here, try this.

All right, who wants a beer?

Let's do it.

I'll take one.

Football time.

(laughter)

It's not funny, Taco.

Come on, pick this up.

Come on, Taco.

On this episode of MacArthurs in the Mist, the MacArthur family forages on the soft forest floor.

Look as the younger male shows his beta status by picking food right off of the... The brawl begins. The brawl.

Are they playing or are they fighting?

As the MacArthurs forage for the only food they can find, they try to taste it and understand what it is they're eating.

One wonders if there is brilliance in their ignorance; things we have lost.

(bus horn blares)

Christ, dude.

Hey, you can't park here, man!

Frank: Ooh... Frank?

"The Body."

Gibiatti.

Frank: You know Tug.

Tug: Eat a d*ck.

That's right. Eat a d*ck!

Yo, roll it out, dawg, roll it out.

What the hell are you doing here?

Can I tailgate and watch some football with the Vatos Locos?

Are you guys still calling yourselves the "Vatos Locos"?

Yeah, Pete, we are.

What lame-ass name do you guys call yourselves?

The Dre Tones.

> No, we don't.

Come on. Remember from the talent show?

The Dre Tones. I'm a Dre Tone.

♪ Do you recall the time...? ♪

Shut up!

We never agreed.

♪ Down by Lakeshore Drive? ♪

Yo, you got to lock that down.

That's a mess right there.

What's up with the Zubaz?

Were every other pair of pants in the world dirty?

You got holes. I can see your balls.

Is that what you like, Gibiatti?

Yeah, I like dudes' balls.

Hey, Tug, do I like dudes' balls?

He loves dudes' balls.

No, I don't, man.

I don't like dudes' balls.

He doesn't. Ha-ha!

What the hell, man?

Hey, you guys know these guys?

Unfortunately, we went to high school with them.

Ma'am, I'm sorry.

If you want to step over here, let me get you away from these dweebs.

Oh, I'm married to this one.

Thank you.

You're married to him?

Yeah, Body.

Do me a favor.

Blink if you want me to call the cops right now. Blink.

Now, my uncle's name might be on this lease, but it is yours.

Would you mind if I use your bathroom?

Ours is broken.

There's something... I destroyed that thing.

Wait. The bathroom's not working?

Yeah.

Yo, man, our bathroom is tight.

Really?

We got hand soaps, lotions.

We got dental picks that have...

You use the picks to get the jizz out of your teeth?

Jesus, man, there's a lady here.

That is inappropriate.

If you need to use the bathroom, it is yours.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You know, let me get some of that bathroom action.

You think you're going on the bump bus? Never.

You never go on that bus.

You call your bus the "bump bus"?

Yeah, because we're bumping parts on there, you know what I'm saying?

Can I remove my wife from the bump bus?

No. She'll come out when she's ready.

Free country, dawg.

What'd you do, buy a bunch of roofenol for the bump bus?

Yeah, we did.

No, no. What are you saying, Tug?

He asked a question.

I'm giving him an answer.

I was roofenoled once.

What?

Yeah, I got roofied once.

I was playing chess with this guy in the park, and then just totally blacked out.

And I woke up in the bushes.

I don't know what happened.

What?

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

Sweet way to write your name on your own table.

Yeah, that's the Vatos Locos snacks.

That way, we know this is our food only.

'Cause everybody else is gonna try to get in on your food, right?

Yeah, well, they're not allowed to, right, Ted?

You want a hot dog?

No! What did I just say?

What did I just say?

Just playing, man.

Buddy, you don't understand the way the world works.

I think I understand the world works... Whoa!

Jesus Christ!

Who is this now?

Oh, look who's back.

It's the Seed.

Remember the Seed?

He's out of jail; got some anger issues.

Uh-oh.

Guys, I'm so nervous.

Hey, remember these guys, Seed?

Oh, yeah, I remember 'em.

(yelling)

You just got seeded!

Seeded!

You got some of my seed up on your hair follicle!

How did you find him?

Uh, I found out his whereabouts 'cause he posted it online, soldier.

Where did you post online?

I just posted on my wall.

I just said the Dre Tones are coming to Soldier Field to bring their Motown sound to Dre Town.

For any number of reasons, you should not have written that.

It got, like, four likes.

Ugh!

Were you trying to be funny when you put a restraining order out on me?

Yes, that was a joke.

It was a joke.

It was a goof.

It doesn't sound like a joke to me.

Well, you were joking, it didn't sound like a joke to me.

When was I joking?

You said you'd kick my ass.

That wasn't a joke.

Look, the restraining order was a goof, all right?

But it is real and it is binding, so you, my friend, are gonna have to stay 50 feet away from him.

Then, I'll tell you what, I'm just gonna punch you in the teeth before I do that.

No, okay, all right, you know what?

How about... how about this?

How about this?

Why don't I stay 50 feet away from you?

All right, so, yeah... How about that?

Like, I mean, about here?

Walk... You think that's 50 feet?

Yeah, keep going.

Is this 50 feet?

Here I'll show you where 50 feet is.

(whipping noise)

Welcome back, Seed... (voice fading)

Fwap! Fwap!

You've got it on a lasso?

Okay? I have to tie it up; otherwise, it's 60 feet.

Pass it around!

Fwap! Fwap! Give it back!

Give it back! Whap!

Ah! Bam!

Look at that!

Hey, Ted, you want in on this d*ck work?

(all grunting)

Whoa!

Whap!

Whoa!

Pwap! Pwap!

Oh, service!

All over your face and your booty.

You just been seeded!

There you go.

Hello, M.C. Mahon.

It's McMahon, thanks.

That's not what that says.

Can you sign a T-shirt for me?

Sure.

Who do you want this made out to?

Oh, no, no, no, no!

I brought my own.

There you go.

What in the hell is this?

It's you.

I look like a '70s p*rn star.

You're welcome.

This doesn't look anything like me.

Yeah, it's you-- look.

You're the punky quarter bag.

What's a quarter bag?

Oh, and can you sign 300 more?

What are you, high?

Yeah, but that has nothing to do with this.

Found a little extra propane in the bottom-- and burger time! Mmm!

That's, like, burger tartare.

No, it's not.

It's medium rare.

No, that is barely dead.

You got the barbecue to work?

Yeah. Do you want a burger?

No. Looks rare.

You know what? Fine.

You guys don't want a burger, you don't have to... Ooh... sizzling!

You guys are missing out.

Don't eat that!

Please, I'm starving!

Kevin, it's raw-- it's gonna make you sick; you're gonna die.

Mmm... Look as the MacArthur begins to feast on an afternoon snack.

He licks at his fingers, enjoying the meal, but is easily distracted by flies.

He remains ever watchful for any uninvited poachers in the market.

Guys! Are you doing that thing? The thing that...

(Kevin grunts threateningly)

These gluten-free buns are expensive, okay?

Mmm, mmm... Aah... Yes! Yes!

Wow, looks like Jenny's becoming a regular Vata Loca.

Johnny, why do they call you "Seed"?

I guess it's due to the fact that a couple of years ago I worked at a kibbutz, and I was in charge of the gardening so I would sow a lot of the seeds, you know.

Really? You just sowed a ton of seed.

Hey, speaking of sowing seed, Jenny, you want a bite of my kielbasa?

Hey, man, Tug, inappropriate.

Aren't we above the penis jokes?

You guys made a bunch of d*ck jokes earlier.

No, we did not.

Now we have a lady here-- there were no d*ck jokes.

You guys threw me your d*ck and I threw it back.

What?!

What are you talking about?

How would you even throw a d*ck?

Hey, baby.

Hey. Hey.

We should probably head off.

You're not heading off anywhere.

Um, okay... This is really fun over here.

You know, their sausage has meat in it!

Hey, speaking of meat...

Get your ass back to that grill and shut up.

Look, let me just use your bathroom, and then we'll figure out what we're gonna do.

Uh-uh, absolutely not.

No, you don't understand, I'm at the two-minute warning here-- I need to get in there, I need to do a little tinker-stinker time...

What if we play real football, and if we win, we take your box seats, and if you win, your friend can use my bathroom till his assh*le blows out?

I'm down. I'll do that.

No! You guys are not playing football with these guys.

They're huge! They'll k*ll you.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Yeah, let's play some football.

♪ ♪

(Andre grunts quietly)

Mm-hmm.

All right, here are the rules: two-hand touch... Two-hand tackle.

That is touch.

Nope. I'm gonna tackle you with my hands, Pete.

I just want everyone to know that I'm temporarily lifting the restraining order and I'm gonna install a safe word.

So if I ever feel uncomfortable during the game, I'm gonna say "Fidelio"-- that's my safe word-- and you guys will know what to do, right?

Okay, actually, I don't want you covering me.

So I'm gonna switch here with you.

Tug, you want to get some seed out of Gibiatti before you start?

Yeah, we can warm up that way.

No, we don't warm up that way, no, we don't warm up that way.

Just kidding. Just playing.

He is messing with you.

The game's gonna start in 20 minutes-- if you're gonna play, just do it, start, okay?

Just, let's just do it.

Hut! Hike!

Flea flicker!

(various shouts)

Oh! Touchdown!

(others shouting)

Soldier! Yeah! Soldier!

No! No! Dude, we talked about this-- we're doing this dance.

I know, yeah, yeah.

You're doing this weird thing.

Wise up! Wise up!

It's a celebration da... No! No!

All right, here we go, here we go.

All right, let's go.

Peach cobbler. Peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler. All right.

Ready, hut... What are you doing?

It's not a hand signal, man.

When I put my hand between your legs, I want the ball, not your hand.

Oh, okay.

Jesus Christ.

Hut!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

What?

FYI, happy dicks, I just seeded your ball.

(others groaning)

I just seeded your football, soldier!

Seeded!

You're touching it!

Down, hike!

Guard him!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Come on! He's wide open!

Check it out!

Wah-bah-bah-bah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh! I got it!

You want it?

No. No.

Fidelio! Fidelio!

No! Fidelio!

Hut!

(grunting)

Where you going?

All right, it's two-hand touch, okay?

Can you get off me, please?

Do you not like it?

Is it too much for you?

(loud grunt)

Oh! You just got seeded, kid!

That's bullshit, man.

That was a cheap sh*t.

Fidelio.

It's like you said, two-hand tackle is touch, bitch.

Come on.

That's what I'm talking about!

No, it's a chest bump, not a hug.

That's how we do, man!

No, that's not how we do.

You know what?

Five-minute halftime.

Andre's hurt-- I'm gonna go get him some ice and, you know, a magazine or something.

Details, please?

No! Not Details, you loser.

Vatos Locos? Anyone here?

All right.

Well, stinker-tinker time.

(sighs): All righty.

And get the lineup in order.

What's this?

What the hell is that?

Is that a peephole?

That's a peephole.

(gasps) Gibiatti, for shame.

I got to go tell Jenny, but first I'm just gonna... set my lineup and drop a stinker.

Let's go, ladies.

Let's go, let's go.

This game's over.

That one's about to start.

Keep your heads in the game.

We still got this.

We need one more touchdown and we win.

Okay, guys, I'm out.

I can't play.

Jesus Christ!

Jenny, Little Lord Fauntleroy over here is wussing out.

We need a new player.

What?!

It's an upgrade, anyway.

Just because I can't be out there on the field, I want you to win this one-- win it for the Dre Tones.

The Dre... Ow! Oh!

Just sit down. God!

Babe, are you okay?

I'm fine. (belches)

Oh!

Ooh, that smells horrible.

It tasted horrible.

Maybe you shouldn't have eaten the old burger tartare?

I'm okay. Look, I will treat you like a lady for the rest of your life if you just man up this one time.

I just went and used their bathroom-- there's a peephole in there.

Where?

Eh!

Wait, they watched me pee?

Yeah, or flick your bean...

No, I didn't do that!

Frank! I can't believe you!

You watched me pee?

It's "the Body," first of all, and yes, I did.

You were treating me like a lady.

And I watch ladies pee... Oh!

He watches every lady pee.

Not every lady.

That's the only way he can get hard.

No, it is not.

Oh, God, you are disgusting!

You are a lucky man-- you've got a nice, hydrated wife.

(Kevin grunts threateningly)

Deal with it. Pull it in.

Bring it in, bring it in.

I am in, guys.

I want to kick their asses.

All right, guys, let's keep this simple, all right?

Kevin, it's coming to you.

Can you handle it?

(grunts): Uh-huh.

You're on the ball.

I am on the Body.

Come on, Dre Tones, bring that Motown sound back to Dre Town!

Oh, shut up, Andre.

What? Come on.

Hey.

Hey, Tac... Whoa!

Jim McMahon!

Oh, do you guys not know each other?

What? How do you... Jim and Taco Corp are getting into business together.

We're gonna sell these fine T-shirts all over the world.

Yeah, we're gonna make a fortune.

Yeah, gonna get that European market with the soccer ball, the '70s stash gonna get that p*rn market.

Shades for the stoner market.

Biggest market of all.

Wow.

We're gonna get you that second nut, kid.

All right. Have I told you I made my nut?

Yes, you told me you made your nut.

He made his nut.

Yeah, I know!

Oh! Hey! All right, guys!

Blue 42!

Watch your ass, Gibiatti.

I'm coming for you.

Why? So you can pee on me, milady?

He'd drink it.

No, I would not drink it.

Never would drink it.

You can get sick that way, you idiot, Tug.

Good, Kev?

(Kevin grunts)

Hut! Hike!

Ball! Ball! I'm open!

Go, Kevin, go!

(grunting)

Now, that's how a lady hits!

Kevin, go!

Go, you g*dd*mn silverback!

MacArthur's on the 15, he's on the ten, he's on the five...

Where you going, soldier?

(Kevin retching)

He's evacuated his stomach on the oncoming predator!

(Kevin retching)

He seeded the Seed!

He seeded the Seed!

He seeded the Seed!

Boy, that's a great idea for a T-shirt.

Oh, my throat... Aw, how's the Body, Gibiatti?

(coughs): Oh, God, my life.

I blew it.

Yeah! Yes!

(Kevin grunting)

(retching)

Oh, babe!