04x12 - A Krampus Carol

[bunniefuu]

Ruxin: It is I, your glorious commissioner, with a playoff update.

In two weeks time, one of us will taste the sweet, sweet delights of Shiva.

Kevin, you remember what those sweet, sweet delights taste like, don't you?

Jenny: Do you?

Kevin: No, I-I don't remember anything before you.

I try.

I try so hard.

And one of us will get crushed by The Sacko worse than Gina chewed up and spit out Pete.

Andre: Too soon. Pete's a wreck.

Pete: Did you say Gina? Gina?

Aw, poor Petey.

Gina took your heart and crushed it like it was a red Solo cup at a frat party. (chuckles)

And then, there's The Sacko.

The poo playoffs.

Me, Andre, Kevin and Chuck, all festering in the filthy, disgusting sack that is the bull's balls.

No Sacko, no Sacko, no Sacko, no Sacko.

And Shiva semi-final number one: we've got Jenny... Woo-hoo!

...who is literally willing to b*at down her competition.

She's got a police record to prove it.

And Ted has decided to take an interest in the league, but nobody knows where the hell he is.

Ted, where you at, buddy?

I've been to prison, Ted.

You don't scare me.

Easy, Shawshank.

And in the other Shiva semifinal, we've got Taco versus Pete.

Taco has something he'd like to tell us all.

Taco, take it away.

Floor's yours, Taco.

No, no.

Taco, you lampshade.

The computer's on.

God... Oh, my god.

Taco: Oh, is this thing on?

(groans)

Oh, hey, guys.

Let me turn on a light.

Thank you so much.

This is delicious.

Hey, did you know, when he was a kid, he would dance like crazy all around the house.

For a while, he thought he was gonna be a ballet dancer.

But then, of course, his body was so ungainly finally, and lumpy, but, uh...

Oh, here he is.

Hey, ballerina.

That-that dream was dead.

So wonderful to have you here, Dad.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

So, Dad can't come see his son?

So, you came to see us or you came to see not-Mom?

I love your mother, but her sisters are in town, and so I think she has the impression that I'm away on business.

Oh, and, also, I got a piece of mail.

Because we go to the same doctor, Dr. Joel Ewing.

So, I got this thing about this fertility issue, and your sperm which has motility problems.

Nope.

I'm so sorry.

That's a... that's a tough thing for both of you.

No, that's... What?

This guy's a quack.

"Motility problems"?

You said that I was the problem.

You're the problem.

We're the problem.

We're a couple.

Well, how could she be the problem?

Look at her.

The naked eye will tell you that she's fertile like the Nile Delta.

You wanted to film us so that we could "research" what the problem was.

Uh-uh.

This is unacceptable.

"Abnormally low."

You told her that she had fertility problems?

That's a bad idea on your part.

What? Lying to my wife?

Yes, of course.

Gee, I wonder where I learned that from.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Both: Hmm.

Shiva, I offer you the mix tape that was playing in Pete's mom's car when you so graciously took Kevin's virginity.

Shiva, I offer you this autographed hat, signed by Salt, Spinderella, but not Pepa.

I see you guys have decided to start without me.

Well, look who's not sobbing on their couch anymore.

Yes, I had my heart broken by Gina Gibiatti.

(groaning)

Boo.

But it doesn't matter now, 'cause I have rededicated myself to my first and my only true love.

Kevin?

No. Fantasy football.

And if you will follow me outside, the offerings will begin and end with me.

Behold the Shivamobile!

Oh... Wow.

What did you do?

Well, my car's a piece of sh*t, I don't have a girlfriend so I have no one to impress, so I made some changes. Taco.

Whoa.

Told you I was taking it up a notch.

All I did was steal her nametag.

Do you guys really think your stupid offerings are gonna helped your shitty-ass teams?

Whoa!

Don't blaspheme.

I don't need offerings.

I have something else working for me.

What?

Actual fantasy skill.

That Shiva is going to be mine, no pandering necessary.

Shiva, I insist.

This mani-pedi is on me.

On, no, you don't have to do that.

No, I want to. It's just...

It's a small offering.

A mere token of my friendship, because I like hanging out with you.

You're so different from them.

Really?

You know, you're the only one of those sh*t-sipping frittatas I can relate to.

Totally.

Totally.

Totally.

(sighs)

Have you been a good little girl this year?

Can you believe this?

Another mall Santa, and no Krampus.

What the hell is Krampus?

Krampus.

Yeah, saying it louder doesn't help.

The mythical creature recognized in Germanic cultures?

Krampus accompanies St. Nick everywhere he goes, and St.

Nick rewards the kids by giving them presents, but Krampus punishes them by shoving them into his sack, bringing them back to his lair and devouring them for Christmas dinner.

Who would have thought a lovely tradition like that would have come out of a country like Germany?

Ho, ho, ho.

Okay, if there's a mall Santa, there should be a mall Krampus, am I right?

Yeah!

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, let's do this.

Yes! Krampus. All right.

Where did Andre want us to meet him again?

I don't know.

Yeah, right here.

Why are we in a mall?

I hate this music so much.

Why is it always playing?

It's the stupid holiday season.

Why is it 45 days long?

Christmas is one day.

That's when we should listen to Christmas music.

It's like putting on a foam finger and painting your face for the whole week leading up to the game.

Hi!

Oh, there they are.

Hey.

Now, what have you two lovebirds been up to?

Both: Shopping!

Dare I ask what you have in the bag?

Check it out. Just a pair of mandals!

"Mandals"?

Sandals.

Yeah, for men.

Aw, that's so cute.

You guys like to take two real words and then combine them into one fake one.

Yeah. So if there's ever a Carmaggedon in Chicago, I can wear these on our stay-cation.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, that makes me want to crarf.

What's "crarf"?

Cry and barf at the same time.

Um, Andre, what are we doing here, exactly?

Hmm.

I don't know.

Um, what is it now?

Hmm, let me... I'm trying to remember.

Oh, the ring.

Yeah!

It's an engagement ring.

Wait, don't you already have an engagement ring?

Not for her, for me.

Yeah, it's a man-gagement ring!

Boom! When she gave it to me, I felt like the luckiest man on this planet.

Thank you so much.

Well, I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Gonna buy you a silk scarf.

Oh, my God, I always wanted a silk scarf. Bye.

Right? Bye.

Bye.

Isn't she great?

She really is.

My only concern is that you might be rushing this thing a little bit.

No, because when Andre sees something he likes, he gets it.

You mean, like the massage chair from Sharper lmage?

I'm getting my feeling back in my neck.

It's fine.

Look, here's the situation.

Three weeks ago, you hired this woman to put expensive garbage in your apartment, and now you're talking about marrying her? I mean, this is... this is crazy.

I love her, okay, and she loves me, and now this ring shows everyone that I'm taken.

Who's asking?

Hello, young lady.

And what's your name?

Hey, right here for Santa.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Are you the boss of the mall?

I'm the mall manager, yes.

Well, my name's Taco, and I would like to apply for the position of mall Krampus.

Mall Krampus?

What is that?

Krampus. He's the holiday devil, he threatens bad children by putting them in a sack and eating them.

Yeah, that doesn't sound like anything we want here at the mall.

We try to encourage people to bring their children here and not be afraid of, you know, abductions or murdering.

I get it.

You're a smart man, you're not gonna hire me without auditioning me.

No.

Look, just picture me in the big suit, and-- oh, watch this, watch this.

♪ Krampus comes and you should worry ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Deck your child with fists of fury ♪

He doesn't work here!

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la ♪

Security!

Jesse!

Get-get this-- Go up and come down.

Yeah, I've run from him before.

He's faster than he looks.

And he doesn't quit.

Jesse, come on!

Use your feet to walk.

Don't rely on the escalator for everything.

I thought you'd be happy for me.

I would love to be happy for you, okay?

But this situation is so crazy that I'm just worried you're gonna get crushed.

Oh, like you were crushed by Gina?

This has nothing to do with that, okay?

How much do you actually know about this woman?

I know a lot about her.

Oh, you know everything you need to know?

Everything that I need to know, I know.

And it doesn't bother you one bit that Trixie has a little MLA going on?

Ooh.

No. She does not have MLA.

She's beautiful.

Screw you!

Screw you, and-- no!

You really didn't need to go there, man.

Look, I had to do something.

I had to pull out the big g*ns!

Really? MLA?

If their relationship can't withstand a little MLA, then maybe it's not worth saving in the first place.

What the hell is MLA?

It means "Mouth Like Anus."

Sometimes, when a woman puts a certain shade of lipstick on her mouth, it's sort of... A little anus-y.

Yeah.

And, you know, it can turn most guys off.

How so?

Certain people have a problem kissing assholes.

Yeah.

Why?

Uh, oh, whatever-- Anyway... Andre is particularly susceptible to MLA.

I don't see what the problem is.

MLA seems super hot.

MLV gets so boring.

Hey, you!

Hold it right there!

Oh! Right.

I got to go.

See you, guys.

Merry Christmas, sir.

Hope you had a pleasant shopping experience.

Yeah.

You know, I actually didn't have a pleasant shopping experience.

Oh, you didn't?

I'm sorry. Why is that?

This.

What? The air?

Is it-- Oh, you know what it is?

The rock salt that we're using has a little ammonia in it.

'Cause the old rock salt, the dogs would lick it, and it would dry their insides out.

No, it's the Christmas music that pervades.

Oh, yes. You're welcome.

We play it all through the Christmas season.

Let me tell you something.

Nobody likes Christmas music.

Nobody.

Sir, are you mad because you're, uh...

Because I'm what?

'Cause I'm what, sir?

Hungry?

Oh, is that the new code?

"Hungry" people control the media?

Or the elders of "hunger" control the banking system?

Uh, h*tler said, "Too many hungry people in our country."

Is that the issue here?

h*tler?!

Yeah. Oh... No need to drag h*tler into this.

Well, uh, you're the one...

Merry Christmastime.

... who dragged h*tler into this by making the implication that I'm Jewish and therefore hate Christmas music.

I never-- ah, I never said that!

You didn't, you implied it.

Are you fishing for a discount here, is that it?

I can give you a coupon to the food court.

Uh, Cinnabon has bagels.

No, I don't need a coupon from you.

You know what?

I'll play "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" for you.

Oh!

I'll put it on a loop!

I don't want to hear "Dreidel, Dreidel" on a loop!

You love it.

Oh, I do?

Yeah, because it reminds you of spinning the top and winning money.

Oh, please.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a lawyer.

Perfect!

Oh, perfect.

I hope this is on tape, because you're not suing me!

Oh, I'm not gonna sue you!

I'm suing you!

You're gonna sue me?

For what?

For nosing your way in here!

"Nosing" my way in here?

I never did this!

Oh, you held it out here.

'Cause my nose is that big?

It was a hand gesture.

You're an anti-Semite.

Well, you're banned from this mall!

Oh, fine! "Banned!"

Oh, that's a step too far!

Merry Christmas.

You're gonna love this place.

It's, like, Cuban fusion.

They've got this great rice bowl.

(cell phone ringtone playing)

Uh, what was that?

Wait one sec. One sec. Sorry.

Oh, it's just work, sorry.

I just need to make a phone call.

Just give me a second.

Oh.

Oh!

Jenny! Oh, my... What are you do...

Hey! Oh, my God!

(grunts)

What? What?

Shiva?

Jenny?

Are you kidding me?

What is that?

The Shivamobile.

You.

No!

You knew.

No, I had nothing to do with that!

This is cruel.

No!

This is wrong!

No!

So embarrassing!

It's not your best picture.

I'm leaving.

You're beautiful now.

Shiva!

Don't be mad!

Come on!

Oh, there she is.

What the hell are you doing hanging out with Shiva?

I was having a terrific lady day with her until your frittata drive-by ruined it.

That's awful timely.

You guys are just hanging out during the playoffs, huh?

Would you rather me plaster a very unfortunate picture of her on the hood of my car?

That was a sign of respect for our deity.

It's an homage.

What you're doing, it's low, it's kind of brilliant, but I don't like it.

Did she really look like that when you hit that sh*t?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Worse.

Truth is, there wasn't a lot of sh*t that wanted to be hit by this one in high school.

Yeah, not a lot of people trying out for JV Kev.

Well, you ruined everything I had going on with Shiva, and you're on your way to ruining Andre as a human being with the whole... business.

Yikes.

He called the house three times last night asking if we've ever seen Trixie eat a Tootsie Roll.

Mmm. These are so good.

Do you know what I always think of when I think of pasta?

What?

I think of Lady and the Tramp.

Oh, yay.

You know, that little scene?

Will you do the scene with me?

Oh.

Oh, please.

I'm gonna take one end... Uh-huh.

...you take that end, mm-hmm.

You take that end?

No.

Come on.

No, no, no.

Yes!

No.

Okay, I'll do it on my own.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

(slurping)

Mmm!

Wasn't that fun?

That was really fun.

Oh, it's so good.

Have you tried your Pisco Sour?

Uh, no.

Shall we try them?

Try them. All right.

Mmm!

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

So sour!

You know what?

Mm-hmm?

Let's get out of here.

What, now?

Let's go someplace dark.

Let's go see a movie and just look at something else for a bit.

You're so romantic and spontaneous.

Maybe even a double feature.

I just want to put on my new lipstick.

Oh, no.

Is that flesh color?

It's darker than flesh color.

(smacking lips)

No smacking.

Oh.

What's wrong?

Is it not on right?

What? No, it's on right.

If it's not on right, fix it.

No, it's on right.

I don't mean to be a**l, I just want it to be perfect.

There's no a**l.

You show me where?

No.

You wipe it?

Just wipe it?

Is it good?

Uh-huh.

You think it's pretty?

Yeah.

You positive?

Uh-huh.

You positive?

It looks great.

Okay! Let's go.

Ah!

No, I don't want to be in The Sacko.

The Sacko?

Yes, The Sacko.

What is The Sacko?

The Sacko is the trophy that goes to the person in last place.

It's a petrified bull's ball sack.

(laughs)

And really?

You're in jeopardy of coming in last place with these dumbbells?

Pick something that isn't so competitive.

You know, beekeeping.

Stamp collecting.

Get another hobby.

I think it's a little late for that, Dad.

And you know that I'm one of about 40 million Americans playing fantasy football now?

And you're in last place?

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

They were first and goal, and they can't even get the guy to run it in.

Wow. Just like you, I guess.

You know, they can go up and down the field, but they can't wiggle it in, finally.

Yes, I understand the analogy.

Is the problem that during the preseason there was too much training going on, and so when you got on the field, you can't-- you don't have enough, uh, steam?

I don't know why I would have any issues with motility after conversations like this.

I don't mean to emasculate you, but I have what I think is a good solution to your family problems.

Here's to you, and the love that you have shared.

Have you considered an outside sperm donor?

(laughs)

We're not interested in donors.

Well, what if the donor was me?

So that it wasn't a stranger, but someone in the same genetic line?

That's your grand solution?

Well, somebody who looks like your husband, only taller and thinner.

But not with the moronic expression around the mouth, uh, and the tongue that hangs like that, and, you know, the brow that furrows Cro-Magnon style, and not so gargoyle-y, and, uh, amphibian in the eyes, and the pasty face, you know what I mean?

So, in any case, what the... what the heck's the matter?

What the heck's the matter?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's the idea of you proposing somehow genetically leapfrogging over me into my wife?

It would be yours.

Your wife would... It would be your brother and your son.

Oh, it would be my brother and my son?

Yeah.

Isn't that a double joy, perhaps?

Look, I think it is very generous, but I would be very uncomfortable with artificial insemination, because I want a child conceived out of love.

Might I suggest alternatively that you make use of my sperm and I would deliver it in the more personal and traditional, fleshy and non-technological way?

Wow!

What's the matter?

Oh, that's what your offer is?

To have sex with my wife.

Who doesn't want more grandchildren?

How much time have you spent with Geoffrey since you've been here?

He's away at camp, I thought.

Isn't he away... In the dead of winter?

Mm-mm.

Skiing camp?

Or was it hockey camp, or curling camp, or something?

He's sleeping.

He is?

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna pop my head in immediately.

I love that little sh*t.

I'm sure you would love to pop your head in immediately.

I don't know what you're getting at.

Anyway...

I think you do exactly know what I'm getting at.

Hey, I'm not shocked about this.

This is how Pablito was conceived.

Let's talk about Pablito.

I have a distant cousin, and her husband's father offered the same thing, and... Just to clarify who Pablito is, he's got a hearing problem and he's under four feet tall.

Best case scenario is he's a middling jockey.

I know how badly you want this child.

Your hands are moving like a praying mantis, and your head looks like a candy apple.

No one's saying it's gonna be done.

Just consider.

Listen to your darling wife.

There's a problem here, I'm just trying to insert a solution.

All right, enough! Enough.

I'm done.

I'm done with this, okay?

You will not have sex with my wife, and...

(cell phone chimes)

What-what is this now?

And my... (growls)

My team lost!

And I'm in The Sacko.

Off he goes like some child.

I guess a fantasy game is more important than this.

Hey, I hope you do win that last place trophy.

At least you'll have one healthy scrotum in the house!

When are the games on?

They're on now, and you've pretty much lost already.

Eh. Did I at least set my lines out?

You set your line up, with all six players.

Oh. Personal best.

Where did you go?

To the attic and to the cloud.

I'm back, guys.

It's like I never left, really.

Jenny, by the way, will I be playing you or Ted in the-- oh no, not looking good.

My team is performing like Ruxin's sperm, just failing all over the place.

But, you know what, it's not over.

I can fix this.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go find Shiva and save my season.

I guess I'll take care of the kids.

Move!

Wow.

(sucking noises)

Oh, guess what?

Doesn't bother me.

'Cause I don't care if Trixie has MLA, 'cause I love her and her mouth-anus.

And I plan on walking down the aisle and kissing that anus on the mouth.

I'm happy for you.

It's beautiful and I love you.

Come here, come here.

Thank you.

All right.

I'm happy for you.

You know he's just doing that because he won, right?

Well, you know, all's well in the world, I'm happy for everybody.

It's a good day.

Merry Krampus, everybody!

♪ Silent night, scary night ♪
♪ Krampus creeps up To give you fright ♪
♪ You've been naughty, lazy and bad So I steal you ♪
♪ From your mommy and dad Eat you piece by... ♪

All right, all right, all right.

Enough! Please.

Yeah. Enough Christmas music.

I'm in The Sacko, my dad is personally trying to baste my wife's turkey, and I can't deal with it anymore.

I just want to ruin somebody's day!

That's the Krampus spirit!

♪ Eat you.... ♪

No!

If I can't play Krampus carols here or at the mall, where I am I supposed to play them?

What if I told you you could play it at the mall?

Don't toy with me; I'm really high right now.

Perfect.

Well, as your Christmas present, this Jew is gonna help you get your Krampus on.

I love this Jew.

You got a costume?

I got something that kids will like.

What they did to that car was so inappropriate.

Creepy.

The thing that's the creepiest about it to me is how much time it must've taken.

I know. I just wanted to apologize to you.

I wanted to make sure that we are good.

We're good.

Totally?

Totally.

Totally good!

Oh, good, good.

I just wanted to make sure.

Oh, we're fine.

Good, good.

Merry Christmas!

Oh... Hey.

Great to see you again.

Oh! We have a menorah.

Excuse me?

It's next to the ATM.

Why would I care about that?

Take care of your business there.

(laughs): Oh.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I came for the music.

I thought you hated Christmas music.

Oh, I hate Christmas music more than Jonathan Stewart hates scoring touchdowns.

But I love Krampus music.

(holiday jingle starts playing)

Krampus. Krampus?

Is that-- you know that guy... (roars)

Here's Krampus!

Yeah, I'm his lawyer.

I advised him to get super high before he did this.

Fear Krampus!

(Taco roars, kids scream)

Kids! It's okay!

Don't be scared, kids!

Tickle him and rub his belly.

No presents!

Hey, you can't do this!

Security!

Get out of my way, Santa.

You little piece of sh*t!

Don't touch Santa.

Jesse!

Watch it, fat man!

(roars)

Santa's down.

Give me that bag.

It's Krampus time!

You want some, too?

Hey!

You maniac.

(groans)

Body blow!

You've been naughty!

Yeah!

(laughs)

Get in my sack, you little brat!

When Taco's Krampus, Christmas comes early!

I was gonna eat you.

(man groans)

Go get 'em, Taco!

Nailed it!

(laughs)

I love this.

It's Christmas shopping with the Shiva.

Just Shiva is fine.

Oh, gosh!

(Taco roars)

Help! Help!

Hey!

Help! Help!

Get in my bag, you little brat!

Get over here.

Leave him alone!

(thud)

Oh, my God! Taco!

Oh, God!

(Taco groans)

That's Taco?

Yeah, but he's fine.

He fell on his head.

Hey, nice Krampage, Taco.

(groans)

I pooed in the costume again.

I thought I was done with this.

You are.

I thought you were different.

I am!

Really?

Totally.

(muffled): What is... what is...

What is that?

I thought it was our year.

I don't know what that means.

But... You dropped your phone.

You're out of the league, huh?

Yes?

Well, you lost.

sh*t-sipper.

Oh, Krampus!

Oh! No.

Oh!

Ho, ho, ho!

I guess I deserved that.