04x13 - The Curse of Shiva

[bunniefuu]

Jenny: Ugh, this season.

Kevin: Sucked.

Taco: So hard.

Andre: Real disappointment.

Ruxin: It ate my entire ass.

Pete: I had a good time.

Yeah, we get it, Pete.

You're in the Shiva Bowl.

Not only am I in the Shiva Bowl, I'm in the Shiva Bowl with Ted; the Four Pete is imminent.

My team has been unstoppable.

I know, I mean, Adrian Peterson has just been k*lling it for you.

I should have drafted him, and I blame you for that.

Talk to the ob-gyn.

I find it interesting that Kevin and Ruxin both tangled with Shiva and now find themselves in The Sacko Bowl.

Ruxin ran a vigorous Sacko Bowl campaign for a second term.

Two times in a row at The Sacko Bowl.

If you win again, you're gonna be bi-sack-sual.

I'm not bi-sack-sual.

Maybe bi-curious?

I don't care who is the Sacko, but we are doling out Sacko punishments this year.

Can someone just promise me that whoever loses must put on the Metro Books costume and go on a rampage?

Like the old Scrote Squad again.

All: Ooh, Scrote Squad!

What, what?

I'm sorry, the Scrote Squad?

Yeah, it's an old tradition.

When we were seniors we used to go around to freshmen and sack-tap them.

Sounds incredibly heterosexual.

It's not a sexual thing.

It's a game that guys play and we... yeah!

We don't do that anymore.

Do what? Whoa!

That, we don't do that anymore, okay?

I'm done.

We're done.

Done.

(grunting)

(laughter)

Yeah.

Now we're done.

I can actually feel the half hoodie on that one.

Guess what gift you don't want for Christmas this year.

A non-consensual d*ck in your p*ssy, right?

All of us, let's just close our eyes.

Why would you close your eyes?!

Do you know me?!

Pyh: Protect Your Holes.

Okay? Boom.

You just got to your car, and a man shows up with these.

What are they?

Nunchucks.

No, they are two dildos connected by a chain.

And guess what, ladies, they're ribbed for your pleasure, okay?

Oh, God.

You think you're up against some sort of martial arts kung fu expert, but what you don't know is he has designs to put both of these inside of you.

Boop-boop, boop-boop, boop-boop, boop-boop, boop.

Take it out, put it in your mouth a little bit.

Yakitty, yakitty, yakitty, yakitty, yakitty, yak.

You guys need to be always aware no matter where you are.

I really feel that at the ATM.

Ass to mouth?

When I'm getting money at the bank?

Oh, the bank.

You just feel like they're gonna come up behind you.

Well, of course, you're gorgeous.

Yes, like here I am.

Oh, I'm so vulnerable.

To who?

And then I'm like... "Hey, guy, whoa!"

Pam, I think I see what's going on.

When you turn around, you think men are perceiving you as a sexual being.

Yes.

Men are just shocked you're a woman, 'cause from the back, you kind of have, like, a Barney Rubble physique.

Sofia, I'm gonna get you up and have you right here at the other ATM.

Pam, you're taking out, like, 20 bucks to buy, like, a box of wine and sweatbands.

The guy comes along, takes your 20 bucks, pow, I'm gonna leave this money here.

I'm going for this and I'm going for the butt, and then I'm already inside.

Oh, my God, he's so strong.

Hey, hello, hi.

Ruxin!

Hey, babe, he's teaching us self-defense.

Look, I can totally protect you against anybody, all right, baby?

Really? How about this?

Hey, hey! Get out of here.

"Hey, get out of here"?

That's your move?

This is weakness.

Ladies, all of your husbands are just the same. Ineffective.

Let's get up.

Okay, we're gonna learn a combination series of punches here, okay?

Where's my little helper?

All right, right here, buddy.

Right here. Here we go.

Throat, groin, throat, groin.

What is this?

Did you give my son baby brass knuckles?

No, I had baby brass knuckles made for your son.

We're gonna get out of here, okay, 'cause your uncle's a psychopath.

Geoffrey, I'm your real father.

Touchdown, whoo!

(laughs) Oh, hey.

Sit down; I need to talk to you.

You watching basketball?

Yeah, well, apparently Taco Corp needs to be at a zero balance by the end of the year.

So I need to get rid of all my money.

That's not what zero balance means.

You're just a lawyer, okay?

You're not an accountant.

So basically, I need to spend all of my money before December 31.

Well, I can tell you one thing that you can do, pay me.

I will do that.

I know about your little problem with Sofia, and I'm gonna pay you with semen.

(groans) There's nobody's semen I want less in my wife than you, Taco.

What are we talking about?

Putting our jizz in Sofia to make a new baby Ruxin?

Apparently someone's too good to have another man's semen in his wife.

What? I am here to offer you my jizz for Sofia's pregnancy.

No, no, I offered my semen first.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, man.

How about this?

We put our jizz together and we mix it up in a kind of frothy jizz milkshake.

Go on.

When she's sleeping, we shove it up in her business.

Okay.

Guess what, nine months later you're raising the coolest freakin' kid in town.

(giggling) The results are in!

My boys can swim!

My yogurt's not curdled!

Crank up the yogurt machine!

We're back in business, baby!

Big news, guys.

Taco Corp is throwing a huge, expensive New Year's Eve bash on January 31.

I think you mean December 31.

I don't know what day it falls on this year.

And as I say good-bye to last year's money, I'm gonna introduce Taco Corp's latest business venture.

Booboozelas.

The noisemaker from the South African World Cup?

Exactly.

(horn blows loudly)

That's pleasant.

There are literally thousands of these just lying around, and I am going to repurpose them.

How can you repurpose that?

Well, my first idea was to turn them into sex toys, but the Vibrazela was a little dangerous and the Vagvoozela was a great design, but it was faulty.

Um, take a look at it here.

Okay, yeah.

Rafi tried it, but he said the foam right here was a little too tight on his junk.

Oh, oh!

But I'm gonna set my sights higher.

I'm gonna tinker with these bad boys until they produce the legendary brown note.

And what might that be?

An infrasonic frequency that's so low that it causes human beings to lose control of their bowels.

I'm gonna sell it to the m*llitary.

So Taco Corp's big creation for 2013 is a horn that makes people go to the bathroom?

Correction, a horn that makes t*rrorists go to the bathroom.

This is gonna be huge, boys.

I'm gonna be nutting all over the place in 2013.

Well, I wouldn't be too sure of that, oh!

What was that?

What the hell are you doing?

Scrote Squad!

Oh, my testicles. Oh.

He really is on a five-second delay.

Wait, I thought we were done with the scroting.

I know we say that, right, but we keep on doing it.

So what I'm proposing is a two-day only Scrote Squad season.

Kind of like a full-on 48-hour scrote fest.

Yeah, no holds barred for two days.

I'm in for that.

I like it.

You in?

That's cool with me.

What's up, fellas?

The boys can swim again, so Ruxin's ready to sh**t.

(g*nf*re, expl*si*n noises)

Ruxin, unnecessary.

Well, that's great, but we have some big news, too.

Scrote Season's back, babe.

No, no way.

Absolutely not. I'm not playing.

Oh, you don't have to, but we will.

Look, my D and B's were doubtful, then they got upgraded to questionable and now they're probable, and I need them ready for game time.

No, no, no, no. No, no!

Hey, hey, hey.

No scrote!

Watch the table.

Sorry I'm late, Ruxin.

Busy day.

What have you been doing?

I took a sh*t in your backyard.

What?

Nothing.

Wait, I thought that was my neighbor's Great Dane sh1tting in my backyard.

Oh, come on, be serious.

A Great Dane doesn't eat that much gum.

All right, well, I brought you here for a reason.

It's Scrote Season.

Ah, man, you guys do such fun stuff together.

I want to hang out and, like, hit each other in the d*ck and stuff.

Well, it's not gonna happen.

I'm trying to protect my balls, okay?

I'm hoping that you can help me.

Yes.

I will be your ballsyguard.

From now on, I'm Kevin Costner, your balls are Whitney Houston.

R.I.P.

R.I.P. Whitney Houston?

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Whitney's dead?!

Yeah.

Oh!

How's Michael Jackson taking it?

Oh, buddy.

Hey, can I get your cheapest draft beer, please?

Holy sh*t.

Excuse me.

Adrian Peterson?

Yes.

I just want to say, I'm a huge fan, and I can't believe you're in Chicago.

What are you doing here?

It's my off day, so, uh, just came to town to see my lady.

Dating a Chicago girl, huh?

Yeah, man, she's pretty special.

Sweet lady.

That's great.

I just wanted to say, you single-handedly have brought me to the Shiva Bowl.

Shiva Bowl?

What's-what's that?

Oh, sorry, it's our league fantasy football championship.

What's your team's name?

Well, I'm currently called the 3-Petes, but if you have one more strong game, looks like I'm gonna be the 4-Petes, you know what I'm saying?

How about the 4-Petersons?

Yes!

I love that.

Like that?

And one last thing.

Is it okay if I get a picture, too?

Yeah, sure.

Then we're done, right?

Yes.

Cool.

Y-You're the coolest.

It's cool. No problem.

Okay.

Man, you even smell good.

(chuckles)

Awkward, man.

Say, "4-Pete!"

Whoo...!

Hey, baby.

Hey, sweetie.

(camera clicks)

Oh, hi, Pete.

Gina, what the hell are you doing here?

Oh, I'm Adrian's girlfriend.

You're his girlfriend?

His girlfriend.

So you like this word now?

Well, now it fits.

So, how you know Gina, man?

She used to be my girlfriend.

Oh, nope.

Sorry, we dated.

Mm, mm-mm.

We consorted.

Ugh.

It was a casual string of hookups that I misinterpreted.

Ah, pity sex.

Yeah.

Best pity sex you ever had.

Boom.

So, you're the most pitiful.

Don't use my grammar against me, A.D.

Nice meeting you, Pete, but we're gonna get going, okay?

Thank you.

Hey, go 3-Pete, man.

Yes.

We're gonna go back to my place.

We may even have a 4-Pete.

(groans)

Don't take away my 4-Pete.

I'm about to.

Later, bitch.

I hope A.D. doesn't stand for "Awesome Dong."

Adrian Peterson?

The very guy who made my fantasy season is destroying my personal life.

Wow. How does he look?

She looks beautiful, man.

No, no, no, I said "he."

How does he look?

He looks incredible.

I mean, he's athletic, he's slim.

His smile is even radiant.

You know what?

I-I used to love this guy, now I don't even want to think about him.

Your number one player is just destroying your ex-girlfriend's backfield.

Oh, they are just hooking up all day!

All day!

A.D.! All day!

I'm in the g*dd*mn Shiva Bowl and I can't even enjoy it.

This should be the happiest time of my life.

Well, that is a testament to how sad your life is, Pete.

Scrote!

Whoa!

What the hell?!

Nobody is safe!

Scrote Squad!

Balls!

Boom! Whoo!

(laughs)

Why is Rafi scroting?

He's not on the Scrote Squad.

Yes, what is he doing?

Since you guys instituted Scrote Season and wouldn't give me a hall pass, I had to hire a ballsyguard.

Okay, forget it.

I'm shutting this down.

I can tell him to stop, but who knows if he will.

I think the Rafi train has left the station.

And you, my friends, are tied to the tracks.

(laughs maniacally)

Pys: Protect Your Scrotes.

And, uh, better find a place in the house to keep The Sacko, Kev.

Oh, that's one thing I'm not worried about at all.

I mean, I'm technically playing you in The Sacko, but really you're playing yourself.

What are you talking about?

You'll tinker and you'll move things around, then you'll make your mistake.

Set it and forget it, my friends.

I'm great at fantasy football.

Yeah, 'cause you're in The Sacko, right?

So are you.

Well, see you there.

Scrote Squad!

Whoa!

(groaning)

Hey, guys.

What? You're next, Taco.

Oh, no.

Scrote Squad.

su1c1de Scrote!

(groans)

What?

Can you do that?

It still counts.

Scrote Squad!

Nobody's safe!

You taking off soon?

Yeah, I'm heading out. Why?

Well, it's my last night with Shiva, and I want to do something special.

♪ Shiva Komedi Somakanakram Shiva Komedi Somakanakram Hey! ♪

You know how people talk about how the day of your wedding or your baby being born should be the greatest day of your life?

It's not!

You have no idea how this feels!

Yeah!

Go faster!

I'm gonna stand up.

(chuckles): Oh.

You like that, Shiva, huh?

Yeah.

Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!

Amen, brother!

Whoo!

Hey, tall guy.

Rafi?

Scrote Squad!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(tires screeching)

Scrote Squad!

Scrote Squad!

Oh, sh*t!

(screaming)

Stay in the car, tall guy.

Rafi?

Whoa... Scrote Squad!

Scrote Squad!

(groaning loudly)

(yelling)

(sobbing): Oh, God, my nards.

Time for a little tinky tinky.

Oh, yeah, my lineup's as stacked as my gonads.

Hmm.

What do I do about the flex?

Stevan Ridley or Kenny Britt?

(sighs)

Kenny Britt.

Uh, thank you, vodka.

You've given me the confidence to make a smart choice.

(sighs)

Oh.

Got to start the running back, right?

Sorry, Kenny Britt, Ridley's my man.

Ain't that right, vodka?

(Russian accent): Yes, always start running back.

(normal voice): What about Sidney Rice?

(Russian accent): Yes, I like Sidney Rice.

(normal voice): Kenny Britt though.

(groans)

(slurring): Kenny Br... or Stevan R...

(scoffs)

Britt.

Kenny Britt.

Done!

Yeah... (groans)

Stevan Ridley, you're hiding on me.

And I'm gonna find you with that eye.

And the winner is... Kenny Britt.

I wanted Sidney Rice!

Eat fat ones, bowl!

I don't want The Sacko.

You can't make me have it.

Gibiatti.

Adrian.

You don't deserve to be started.

No, it's Adrian Peter-- it's Adrian Peterson.

You start Adrian Peterson.

God, I hate being Eskimo brothers with you!

Yes.

(blows)

Yeah.

(buzzes lips)

What's missing?

(bubbling)

(exhales heavily)

Man, science is hard.

Break time.

What are you doing, Geoffrey?

Playing with your computer.

Okay.

Don't play with Daddy's computer.

That's for Daddy to do, right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You changed players around.

It's noon.

Lineups are set!

It's noon!

But you slept too late.

I can fix this.

Go get Daddy some Cheerios, okay, Geoffrey?

Go get whiskey and Cheerios for Daddy.

You're not gonna pull this off, Ruxin.

You're gonna win The Sacko, buddy.

And speaking of not pulling it off, Pete.

Peterson had a monster week.

What were you thinking?

On your bench!

How could you not play him?

I could not enjoy this win if I started Adrian Peterson.

You could've just given him a ceremonial slap on the wrist and put him in the flex position.

No, I was not gonna give Gina the satisfaction, all right?

Gina's gotten plenty of satisfaction.

Have you seen Adrian Peterson?

That dude is plowing her like the Mall of America parking lot after a snowstorm.

So, that it's it-- Ted wins the Shiva.

Ted, the guy who doesn't show up for draft, doesn't post on the message boards.

It's worse than having Taco win.

The bigger question is what do we do with The Shiva?

I mean, do we send it to him?

I could just hold on to it till he gets back.

No, I don't think so.

Whoa, whoa, check it out.

Ted just posted on the message boards.

"Suck it, pack your bags, next year we're not drafting in Chicago."

Where is he-- is he still in Peoria?

I think he was overseas, right?

What's going on? Yeah!

No, no, no, no.

Oh, relax, Scrote Season's over so your balls are safe.

But watch your dicks.

Look what I made.

Hey, Geoffrey, is that a picture of Daddy tinkering with his lineup?

Hey, Geoffrey, next time draw a picture of Daddy and The Sacko trophy behind you.

Oh, yeah!

He can snuggle up in that bull sack like a little sleeping bag.

So cozy in this fur.

(all laugh)

No, uh-uh, no, no, enough.

All right, no!

I am not The Sacko.

I didn't get to set my regular lineup.

There is no regular lineup for you.

You add/dropped, like, six players last night.

This is not my fault, okay?

It was collusion between Baby Geoffrey and vodka.

I want The Sacko.

You don't want The Sacko, I promise you!

So cute, a father/son Sacko moment.

I want The Sacko!

The Sacko's for losers, Ruxins are winners.

Well, at least share it with him.

It's the Ruxin Sacko!

No, Baby Geoffrey, no!

d*ck punch!

(all groaning)

Just like I taught him.

Now get back over here, Baby Geoffrey and finish the job.

I can taste the yogurt all the way in my mouth.[/i]

How is your sack, Ruxin?

It's back on the I.R.

Baby Geoffrey LT'd my Theismann.

Ooh.

Acquaintances, friends of acquaintances, welcome to Taco Corp's New Year's Eve extravaganza.

I spent every last penny I had on this party.

The good news is the Taco Corp books are finally balanced and the I.R.A. will not be bugging me this year.

Oh, which reminds me, the bar is now a cash bar, and Kevin, can I borrow taxi money?

Sure.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

(groaning)

Come on, guys, liven up.

It's New Year's Eve.

What good happened to any of us this past year?

I mean, you couldn't have a kid, you got dumped, we have a kid that's got half a foreskin like Kid 'n Play's haircut.

Whose name is Chalupa.

Chalupa Batman.

Shiva called it from the beginning.

She said, "This year will not go well for any of you."

She cast a curse.

I'm not cursed-- my year's been great.

Got a new apartment, got a great lady.

Andre?

Oh, there she is right now.

I bid you adieu.

Wow, speak of the devil and Shiva appears.

Who invited her?

I did-- thought she could do some of her witch doctor magic tricks for the guests.

I think it's good that she's here because now we can make amends.

She wants her name and face off of that trophy, and I'm not willing to give up that tradition.

Maybe we should just drop The Shiva and The Sacko.

Uh, bullshit, no.

Well, well, well-- look at what we've got here, huh?

Ruxin, you've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.

How so?

Ever since my sleeper agent Baby Geoffrey destroyed your baby maker, you've been replaced.

It's time for you to walk into the desert and die like a dog.

I destroyed you using a baby's fist as a w*apon!

Gattaca!

Ooh, wow.

So cool.

What is Taco Corp anyway?

Basically it's a dude who just gets super baked and wears identical suits.

Oh, are you excited about the new year?

Very. I was thinking that maybe we could start a family?

Well, the new year's in 30 minutes.

Well, I guess we don't have to wait till the waiting, but, you know...

We don't have to wait till next year.

Now?

Mm-hmm.

Here?

Mm-hmm, oui, oui, monsieur.

Yeah, let's do it-- let's pull the goalie.

I've had this dream of having a bunch of little girls whose name start with T.

Me, too-- three little girls.

Tina... Tammy... Toni...

Both: With an "I."

Come on.

Okay.

How about in there?

In the photo booth?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's do it.

This is gonna be great.

(gasping)

Try to relax, try to relax.

What's wrong with her?

Well, based on her symptoms, she has seminal plasma hypersensitivity.

W-What's that mean?

She's allergic to your semen.

No, no, no!

Wait, what?

Well, you know how some people are allergic to peanuts.

Your semen is her peanuts.

So she has a nut allergy.

No, no, no, this is not true.

This is not true.

After intercourse, your semen caused her to have hives, swollen eyes, and for some reason your throat closed up.

Well, maybe this is why.

Photo booth pictures showing Andre putting the El Camino in a few different spots.

Please give it... No, no, no, that's for the hall of records.

Just to be clear, if you continue to have unprotected sex with her, she could die.

Both: What?

We need to get your fiance to the hospital.

Oh, Tina, Tammy, Toni!

Okay, this curse has to end.

Whatever you have to do, do it.

So, are we agreed?

You know what-- all right, fine, none of us won The Shiva, so let Ted call it whatever the hell he wants.

Great.

I forgot my coat.

Oh, Shiva, we need to talk.

You're not gonna make out with me again, are you?

We want to apologize.

And we would love if you remove the curse.

The what?

The curse, the curse you put on all of us.

We'll take your name off our trophy.

What about the car?

The Shivamobile?

Absolutely not.

Pete.

Fine, it's a piece of sh*t anyway.

I'll take care of it.

No more Shiva on anything.

We just want to start the year fresh with you not hating us.

All right, it takes too much effort to be mad at you guys anyway.

At midnight, you're off my sh*t list.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So that's it-- the curse is lifted?

I think we're curse-free.

Cheers.

Here's to a better year.

And to Andre's toxic jizz.

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of us all at Taco Corp, we would like to thank you very much for being here with us tonight.

You are not just clients to us, but nameless strangers with money as well.

Now, the year 2013 is upon us and I'd like to usher in the new year with Taco Corp's latest project.

Behold!

(horns blowing)

Let the countdown begin.

79, 78... No, no.

55... Taco, come on.

20, is 20...?

Yeah.

Okay, 20... Second baby or no second baby, I still love you.

Well, considering Baby Geoffrey used my nards as a speed bag, maybe one kid's enough.

Happy New Year, babe.

Happy New Year.

How's that drink taste?

Did you roofie my drink?

Oh, I roofied, like, 40% of the drinks here.

It's a numbers game for me.

12... Enough with the vuvuzelas, Taco, this is New Year's Eve not a soccer game.

Oh, no, no, no, these aren't just any old vuvuzelas, my friend.

Full steam ahead, boys!

Nine, eight, blow!

Blow!

What's happening?

Did I eat miso soup today?

Lower, lower.

(rumbling)

Oh, God.

Get to the note.

Oh, no, Taco's taking us downtown to Brown Town.

Reach the note-- five, four, three, two, one.

The brown note!

Yamagoya!

Sometimes when I sh*t, I cum!

It works!

All right, look at me so I can finish!

Look at him!

Happy New Year!

Thanks for the car, assholes.

Eat my d*ck!

I'm gonna blast this trophy in the butt!