06x01 - Sitting Shiva

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to our continuing coverage of the 2014 scoungbine here at Lucas Oil Stadium in lndianapolis.

I'm Rich Eisen.

We've got a lot of potential first-rounders out there today, and then it looks like someone has seen Rudy one too many times.

Kevin MacArthur, five foot eleven.

Weight, 160 pounds, but that looks like it could be about 100 chicken parms ago.

He's probably pushing a buck 80, and sources tell us ten pounds that could be back hair.

Kevin: Carlos Hyde, huh?

Hey, man, we could be combine buddies.

There's no buddies at the combine.

Ha, Mike Evans.

Hey, what say you draft me in your fantasy draft and I'll draft you in mine, huh?

No, I don't think so.

Why not, man?

I'm a sleeper.

Nobody sleeps that deep.

I'm a little busy.

What? Whoa!

Oh, good thing you caught that.

Ready... oh.

Here's Mike Evans running the gauntlet, showing off the ball skills that should get him drafted in the top ten this year.

Oh... ow.

And then there's that.

MacArthur, swatting at the ball like a baboon sitting on a hornet's nest.

Oh! Ow.

Aah!

Now, it's hard to tell how his game will project to the NFL level, but one must assume that once the helmet goes on, he won't be able to catch as many balls with his face.

God, one got me right in the taint.

Some players come out too early... and some should never come out at all.

There we go, here we go.

(Kevin shrieks)

Just pick... Just pick it up.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

You got to help me.

(Kevin grunts, snorts)

Oh!

It's all right, Daddy's got you.

That counts as one.

He's a tweener for sure.

Somewhere between mediocre and irrelevant.

(Kevin shouts)

Oh, God.

All right.

All right, switch it.

No. No, no.

Please don't do this.

(Kevin squeaks)

All right, okay.

You got me that time.

Let's run it again.

What you got, little man?

No-- Stephon Tuitt.

Come on No, no, I don't want to.

Pick up the pad, little man.

I'm not doing it.

Pick it up.

I'm not doing it!

Get back here.

Oh, my God, he's so big!

He's so big!

Stop it!

I'm told Kevin is also a lawyer, although from where I'm standing...

(shrieks): No!

...his skill set doesn't appear to translate into any discernable position.

No! No, don't do it, no!

Here... or in the legal world.

I'm dying here, Eisen.

Why are you even here right now?

Go home.

You're terrible.

Boo.

All: Sacko, Sacko... Sacko.

No.

...Sacko, Sacko, Sacko...

And we have urine.

That's a combine first.

(whining): No...

(Kevin exclaims)

Oh.

Oh, God, I had the worst dream.

Jenny: Go back to bed, Sacko.

Oh, my life is worse than my nightmare.

Is the bed wet?

Your champion wants to tell you all about the 2014 league draft plan. I am thinking an extravagant dinner. We are going to do one course per round.

All on my dime.

So put it down in your calendars-- August 23rd, okay?

Oh, what's that-- I'm sorry, you don't have calendars?

Oh, let me help you with that.

Whoa.

Oh!

You made calendars?

Calendars.

Ruxin: That's a pretty hot move.

Andre: Did you hire a professional photographer?

I did.

Pete: Looks like we finally found somebody to satisfy Jenny in the bedroom.

Wh-What is this one?

Why is October this picture?

I don't want this picture out there. This is borderline Sacktual harassment. I disagree.

I'd say this borders more on domestic Sacktual abuse.

Oh, no, no, no, guys.

There's absolutely no Sacktual abuse happening here.

Ho, ho.

You had coffee mugs up?

Wow.

Mm-hmm.

To commemorate this wonderful moment, I have actually decided to officially change my team name. Really?

I am no longer going to be Pete Top, Kevin Bottom.

I am now gonna be Jenny Top, Kevin Bottom.

That doesn't bother me-- that's my favorite position.

Well, the other option was gonna be Andre 3,000 Dingers in His Face. Oh.

(laughs)

That's good, that's good.

I like how you do thing where it sounds like a joke but there's no actual punch line.

Anyway, can't waste time with you guys, I have to get to my office-- I have a little pre-op conversation with the mayor's wife.

Ooh, what's she having done?

Can't say, but let's just say it involves me going downtown.

All right, later, losers.

What the hell was that?

I don't like successful, confident Andre.

Yeah, it's as if he looked at us with complete disdain.

I know that look.

That's the look that I give you guys all the time.

Taco: Hey, Sacko, can I borrow these?

No.

It's not your decision.

You gonna play some golf?

Yeah, love golf.

It's such a great way to unwind after a long eight-hour work week.

Where do you play golf?

All or the place.

You guys want to play?

(BOTH): Sure.

It's a dogleg right.

It's 240 yards.

(whistles)

Oh, yeah, got all of that one.

(whoops)

Nice one, Taco.

Street golf, not so bad.

Yeah, you don't even have to worry about a tee time this way.

Yeah, none of that country club attitude.

As low-rent as this is, it does maintain the basic function of golf, which is to get away from your wife and children.

Next hole?

I'm happy with my long game, but my short game's in the shitter.

You know, one thing I did notice is that, uh, you tend to take your eye off the ball at that very last second.

Oh, really? Yeah, you could follow through on that and do a little better.

Oh, okay, I'll work on that.

Yeah, whoo!

Birdie!

Aw.

Sliced it.

Excuse us, playing through.

Pardon us, sorry, guys.

Excuse us. I might take a drop on this one.

Trying to find my ball.

Oh, it's in the rough.

Folks, I'm just gonna play through real quick.

Um... you want to go play the next hole?

Yeah, we should go.

Yeah. That one's on us, guys, thank you.

Thank you.

What are we gonna do about Andre?

All of our beautifully timed, well-crafted insults are bouncing off him-- nothing is sticking to him.

No, he's like Teflondre.

Ugh, Teflondre sucks.

Mm-hmm.

I feel like it's my job as the Sacko commissioner to take that guy down a notch.

What about Kevin?

Aren't we gonna do more Sacko punishments? No, Jenny's doing a better job than all of us could. An24-7.

Mmm.

You like me on top?

Mm-hmm, I do, it's my favorite.

See-- Jenny Top, Kevin Bottom, not so bad.

No, no, don't say it like that.

No?

No.

Do you want me to tickle your Sacko?

No. Ye... No, no, just...

Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop, stop.

What? Oh...

Look, look, okay...

You can't belittle the Sacko all day long and then expect my sack to work at night.

Okay, tonight let's maybe try a little role reversal.

You be the champ.

Okay.

(soft chuckle)

'Cause I am your sweet, submissive... Sacko.

No!

No, don't say that.

Don't say what? The "S" word, don't...

Shiva or Sacko? Oh, either.

Come on.

What?

This is domestic Sacktual abuse.

Well, what am I supposed to do-- stop being so g*dd*mn good?

I'm never gonna get any.

All right, another mock draft done.

Ruxin is looking good, getting ready for the real draft.

Ooh, it's gonna be a fun season.

What's this now? Guess I must have joined a league by accident. Here, cancel.

Hey, wait, what is this, now?

Another league wants a trade?

No.

No, no, no, no.

Romo... What-What, wait...

No, no, I don't want to make a trade with you, so stop calling me.

Good-bye.

What is going on with you?

Who are you trading with?

I... I went to do some mock drafts, and instead of taking me to my team page, the stupid site took me to one of these randomized league-creating team pages, and now I'm in some leagues with some total stranger idiots.

How many leagues are you in?

I'm in 12 leagues.

You did 12 mock drafts?

Yeah, I was doing them reps, getting ready for the real thing.

So if you're in 12 leagues, let me ask you this: are you cool in any of them?

Oh!

Oh!

From downtown.

Yeah.

Nice one, Andre.

I never realized that being in a league with strangers would actually be worse than a league with people I truly hate.

I get it.

I've been trying to jump out of this Dumpster fire forever.

Well, look who it is-- the full buffet of sadness.

Hello, Ted.

Ladies.

Jenny.

I don't have a lot of time.

You see that building behind me?

That's city hall.

You look very handsome, Ted.

Correct.

I am on my way to an AIDS Foundation charity event.

Little bit of context I have for you is...

I'm receiving an award.

It wouldn't be the Shiva, though, would it?

Because the Shiva is sitting right here.

By the way, Jenny, if you need help throwing your extravaganza, I can get you a list of high-end chefs that'll...

Oh, oh, call me. No, no, no, no, no.

We don't need any help.

Thank you, Ted.

I would love that, thank you.

All right, just relax over there, Sacko.

I've called us all here today because this league needs some changes.

What I'm proposing is we add two new members.

We become a ten-team league.

That's interesting.

No, we're and eight-team league-- we always have been, we always will be.

I could leave.

No, Taco, you need to stay, because Kevin needs someone he thinks he can b*at.

(all laugh)

Where is this coming from?

Sounds to me like Kevin is the new Andre.

Am I hearing this correctly?

Oh.

No, he's not.

He's kind of right.

Kevin is the new Andre.

Ha, ha.

I'm same old Kev.

If the hat fits... oh!

Oh!

Hey!

Yes.

(laughs)

Hey there, new Dre, the only thing worse than AIDS is Dre.

(tires screech)

Oh!

Whoa.

Is he okay?

Oh, my God, he's not moving.

Oh, my God, he's dead!

He's dead.

And his last words were, "Kevin is the new Andre."

Well, at least he d*ed doing what he loved-- making fun of you, Kevin.

Ugh, these guys are trolling me now.

Just turn your phone off, Ruxin.

Gonna check out the snack table.

Oh, you know what, Andre, you should take that hat off.

Oh, out of a sign of respect?

No, 'cause it's so terrible.

Whoa, whoa, this is not the time.

(sighs)

Teflondre, man.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, Kevin, Jenny, so good to see you, thank you for coming.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I can't believe Ted is gone.

Yeah, the way, it's so unexpected.

Who would have thought Ted would have d*ed of AIDS... charity. AIDS charity.

I mean, this trade is just garbage.

That... we would lose Ted and all those, you know, pervert arsonists run free.

Thank you all for coming.

So the funeral will be tomorrow?

Yes. Mm-hmm, and after the funeral, the family will be sitting shiva.

Yes.

I'm sorry?

What... What'd you say? The family will be sitting shiva. Shiva.

Shiva You mean... You mean Shiva, right? Shiva.

Shiva.

Shiva.

How is it spelled?

S-H-I-V-A.

Shiva.

Shiva.

And tonight, it-it's a Jewish custom that Ted's body cannot be left alone, so we will need watchers-- shomers.

I understand.

I was Jewish for a brief time last year.

Listen, we'd be happy to come back tonight and, uh, be shomers so we could just see Ted one last time.

That would be lovely.

He would love that.

Wow, Ted's really dead.

He looks so peaceful.

Why is that the desired adjective for a dead person?

Like, if I go down, I people to be, like, "That dude looks like he's getting sh*t done, like he's getting laid and he's getting paid."

Okay, Ted... are you ready... to draft?

(whoops)

Yes.

Let's do this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did someone ask for a draft board?

All right.

Beer, anyone?

Yeah, yeah.

Nice, Taco.

Here you go.

One last draft with Ted.

He would have wanted it this way.

Yeah.

We'll find someone to replace him in the league, but for now we'll just take turns drafting for him. We are no longer sitting shiva.

We are now sitting Shiva (whoops) Gentlemen, I present to you our 2014 draft board. All right.

That's awesome.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, one more-- woop. That's an awful picture, babe.

Why is my mouth open?

Well, empirical evidence would point to you wanting to gargle Pete's pudding, but I think, in this case, just looking for wins.

Oh. Can we please start the draft? The first pick-- Ted selects Jamaal Charles. Okay.

Oh. Cold.

(phone chimes)

No. No, it's not a trade.

You're on the clock.

I know. I'm on the six different leagues right now, okay?

I'm gonna take Julia Jones.

It's got to be tough being a woman in the NFL.

Beast Mode! Ted selects the Jacksonville Jaguars defense for the third period.

No, no, no.

Ruxin, have a little respect for the dead, please.

Give him Gary and Foster.

Le'Veon Bell.

I don't even know which league you're talking about.

Let's get some LeGarrette "Blounts" up in here.

Let's get messed up.

Taco, you can't get high off a running back.

Cheers, Ted.

Funeral draft!

You know what's amazing is, some people would find this disrespectful.

(Taco sputters)

Ruxin, you're up on the clock.

I'm not in the Marines, so I don't know what that lingo means.

Cameron Jordan, okay?

Cameron Jordan?

Yeah, Cameron Jordan.

I think he said "Cameron Jordan."

Cameron Jordan?

He wants Cameron Jordan.

Okay. Cameron Jordan?

Cameron Jordan.

Right. Defensive end, New Orleans Saints.

Congratulations, Ruxin. Wha Good pick. No, no. Jordan Cameron, the tight end for the Cleveland Browns.

No, that's-that's not what you said, right?

Not what I heard.

I heard him say "Cameron."

Ted?

Ted?

Did he say "Cameron Jordan"?

Cameron Jordan, Jordan Cameron-- it's the same thing.

No, it's not.

One of them's black, and one of them's white.

And one of them plays defense, and one of them plays offense.

This is not my fault, okay?

I'm in too many leagues right now.

Such an idiot.

I'll take Chad Ochocinco of the Montreal Alouettes. Boom!

Great choice.

And in round 11, Russell Wilson.

Go, Hawks.

(Taco inhales)

Oh, yeah.

All right, hit it, Ted.

There you go.

(knocking on door)

Hello?

His parents are here.

Oh.

What? Oh, my God.

Uh.

(overlapping chatter)

Um...

Hold on.

Uh, we were just mourning.

Hello?!

Come on.

Mmm.

Can the shomers come to the door, please?!

Uh, coming. One second.

Okay.

I am so, so...

Very.

...so, so sorry. Shalom.

Shalom.

Shalom.

Shalom.

Shalom. We got a lot of noise complaints.

Did you hear anything?

No. No.

No.

Well, I'm glad you're still here because we went through Ted's will.

Ted insisted in his will that you replace him before the season starts.

Oh. And he bequeathed one of you his Laguna beach houses. Which one of us?

Whoever wins the fantasy football league this year.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

I can't believe we're playing for a house.

I know.

It's right on the ocean.

Guys, it's amazing. Yeah, we've got stakes to play for. This is huge. Oh, man.

Whatever. You don't want a Laguna beach house? Now that I know where the house is, I don't need to own it to use it.

All right, guys, let's just go finish this draft.

Okay.

Exactly. Who's got the board?

I hid the board in the coffin under Ted.

What?

Why would you do that?

Well, because if I hid it on him, everyone would have seen it. Oh, Taco!

You idiot!

Okay, let's everyone just go through your own picks, round by round, and figure out who we have. For running backs, I definitely had Peterson and Lynch.

Oh, bullshit.

No, I drafted Lynch.

No... What?

You did. You drafted David Lynch, I'm pretty sure.

Oh, come on, Ruxin!

I know. This is crazy.

I definitely had Jordan Cameron.

That's the only thing I'm sure.

Oh, come on.

No! No!

Why do we have to argue?

You wrote it all down on the computer. I do it at the end when it's all done. You were typing the entire time. I know. I was just doing research for my draft. No! You have to...

What are you talking about?!

What are you talking about?

You are such an embarrassment, Sacko.

It's because of stupid sh*t like this that everyone thinks that MacArthurs are idiots.

All I know is I drafted LeGarrette "Blounts," and I never got him.

I guess we should just redraft.

(all saying "No!")

No way!

I know what you're trying to do here, okay? You're trying to get rid of your shitty team.

There's way too much on the line here with the beach house.

Yeah.

So, what are we gonna do? We got to get that draft board out of the coffin.

I was looking over Ted's will, and there was something very specific that he wanted us to do.

Yeah, sure. What?

Look, we all know how much Ted loved flash mobs, right?

Flash mobs? Uh...

Yeah. Oh, Ted loved a good flash mob.

Flash mobs.

Fla... I thought you said something different.

Flash mobs. Yeah, of course.

Flash mobs.

Mm-hmm, exactly.

We did a flash mob today.

Well, Ted would like there to be a flash mob at his funeral.

Great idea. Beautiful, yeah.

Beautiful celebration of life.

Okay. Here's the plan.

Once the rabbi starts the mourner's kaddish, he wants you to kick it off.

Here's your outfit.

You put this on underneath your clothes. We've already got ours on right now. Okay.

Oh, wait a second. Wait.

Why do I have to start this?

What are you talking about, why you?

You were always Ted's favorite.

He called you "the first among equals."

Well, I can't argue with Ted.

I mean, he knows what he's talking about.

I'm gonna do this.

Ted would have wanted it this way. You guys really think you can pull this off? Of course.

It's gonna be great.

Hmm.

Holy sh*t.

Look who came to Ted's funeral.

It's Cameron Jordan and Jordan Cameron.

I wonder if Ruxin knows the difference.

Time to find out.

Excuse me. Hi.

Jordan Cameron, right?

How you doing?

Cameron Jordan.

Nice. Nice.

They usually get us confused.

That's actually what I wanted to talk to you guys about. Would you mind doing us a quick favor?

Both: Sure.

Hey, Ruxin.

Funniest thing happened on the way to the funeral.

We met a guy you drafted.

You should say hello to the person you drafted.

Yeah. What's up, man?

How you doing?

Cleveland Browns tight end.

Yeah. What's my name?

What's my name?

(laughing): What's my...?

No, what's really... what's-what's my name?

Dude, what's my name, bro?

Rodney.

Rodney.

What's mine? Mine?

Dude, your name.

Come on, bro.

I drafted you, bro.

You drafted me.

You got to know my name.

I drafted...

Who did you draft?

I... I'll tell you who I drafted.

I drafted a Pro Bowl player.

You made the Pro Bowl?

Yeah. Did you?

I made the Pro Bowl.

Oh, you're both in the Pro Bowl.

(Ruxin clears his throat)

That's cool.

Tell the bro his name.

It's like we're all bros here. You know what I mean?

We're all here for Ted.

Ted's our dude.

Ted would know who he drafted.

Jordan Cameron.

Hmm.

Which one did you point to?

Wait a minute.

It seemed like you weren't really specific.

Come on, man.

What's my name?

Cameron Jordan.

No.

Oh.

So, you did draft me?

Yup. So your league must have IDPs.

Is that an individual...?

Individual defensive players.

We play with those, Kevin?

No, we do not.

See, that's the even crazier part of all this, is that I was, like, "We should do IDP because individual defense players are not recognized enough."

No, that's the opposite of what you said.

You were adamant about drafting one sh*t-sipping defense and moving on with it.

Direct quote.

Hmm.

Ouch.

Aah! Just got IDP'd.

Oh!

Hey, J.J. Watt.

No sh*t.

Hi.

Hi. Remember us?

Hi. Yeah, yeah.

How you been?

You cost me $900 of my mini-bar last year.

Yeah.

Yup, that sure was me.

So good to see you.

We're friends.

How's Arian Foster?

How's the knee?

Yeah, how is he?

We're-we're at a funeral.

That's very inappropriate.

How's Clowney working in the three-four?

Guys, are we here to pay our respects to Ted, or are we here to talk fantasy football?

We ...are here to pay our respects to Ted.

Thank you.

Between you and me, though, DeAndre Hopkins, right? Wrong. Not the time, nor the place. Hello? Shalom?

Guys.

Everyone please be seated.

The ceremony is about to begin. Oh...

Welcome to a celebration of life.

We will begin the memorial...

Ah, it's really sad.

I'm always secretly happy when good-looking people die.

Oh, God, full of compassion, Thou Who dwellest on high, grant perfect rest beneath the sheltering wings of Thy presence...

It's gonna be so great!

Bye-bye, Teflondre.

Where's Taco?

Think he's trying to get a round in.

(whistling) We will now read from Psalm 23... Hey, babe, I know we're still in the middle of it, but you are drafting really well.

Can you not mess with me right now, please?

Are you kidding me? You got Shady McCoy, Doug Martin and Drew Brees. Yeah.

"...on paths of righteousness for His glory.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dea..."

I got movement down there.

"...I fear no harm..."

Really?

We got blood flow.

Mm. Yeah, tell me more about my middle rounds. Julius Thomas-- brilliant pickup, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, oh. Babe, I got roster wood.

I got roster wood.

Let's do this now. Let's go.

What? We're at a funeral.

I don't know when he's gonna come back, okay?

Look, Ted would have wanted it this way. ...and may his soul be bound up... Okay.

All right. Um, we have to get something out of the car.

Oh, you forgot the Sacko?

May the Lord be his possession, and may he rest in peace.

Amen. We will now read the mourner's kaddish. Glorified and sanctified be God's great name throughout the world, which He has created and according to His will, may He establish...

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

This one's for Ted!

Mazel, b*tches!

♪
♪

What is this? This is not the mourner's kaddish. ♪
♪

Ted's high school friends are the worst.

All right, that's 200 yards to the green.

Aw! Shanked it!

Here, come, come on.

Flash mob.

Andre, this is a funeral.

Have some respect.

And break.

(rabbi gasps, groans)

Oh, my God!

He's unconscious. Isn't there a doctor in the house? Yeah, I-I'm a doctor.

Okay, I need some ice, a cold compress and some hydrogen peroxide. He's gonna save this guy's life.

That's pretty impressive.

I didn't know Andre had it in him.

No, no, no!

Both: Teflondre.

Jesus Christ.

The worst funeral ever.

Well, I'll see you there.

All right, great.

Well, we'll definitely have dinner then.

g*dd*mn Teflondre.

It's crazy.

What did I miss, boys?

Oh, just Ted's funeral.

Where were you?

Brutal day on the links.

Not as brutal as it was in there.

But you know what?

It is time for Operation Draft Board.

Where the hell's Kevin?

I don't care where Kevin is.

All right, here's the thing.

We're the pallbearers, right?

Both: Mm-hmm.

So, we grab the coffin, we run around behind the building.

Mm-hmm.

Put it down for a second, pull out the draft board, close it up, get back in line.

Nobody's the wiser.

Great.

Just for the record, I think it was a terrible idea to put the draft board in the coffin.

Duly noted.

Duly noted.

Oh, we got this right here.

Appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

No, we got it.

We got it. We got it.

Oh, uh, what are you doing?

We're pallbearers, too.

Oh... cool.

Oh. Um... Uh, it's cool, Cameron.

We got it.

J-Jordan.

It's Cam.

Right, Cam. We know...

Jordan.

Jordan.

Listen, Cameron, we got this.

It's okay.

Uh, what he means to say is, maybe if I go on this side, and then...

Mm-hmm. And then what would happen?

If you guys back up for a second...

And then maybe you guys could And then they would come in. come on this side...

Right, and then we would just...

And then, I think we just go!

Did they just steal the coffin?

Should we go get it?

No. I'm giving them a 50-yard head start.

In there, in there.

It's a closet.

Here?

What?

No!

Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh, what are you doing?

What-what are you doing?!

Oh, we're grieving in our own special way.

What does it look like we're doing?

It looks like you're having really said, middle-aged sex.

But clearly, you wouldn't do that in a morgue.

I had roster wood.

From that shitty lineup?

She likes it.

It was okay.

Guys, what's going on here?

In front of Ted?!

Can you guys not be morons for one day?

Get it together!

Come on, Ted.

Looks like we got to redraft, huh?

Uh, no.

No, no.

I don't think so. No, that... This is a final... Oh, that's Ted.

If that is Ted, who is in the coffin?

Ted Rappaport was a great man, and he was loyal to his friends. Even friends that weren't so great. But now, Ted, we must say good-bye.

I got it!

(Taco whoops, laughs)

My God.

(people gasp and scream)

Oh, my God.

What is going on?

Oh, don't worry.

It's just a draft.

Ted's still dead.

(crying): Oh.