06x11 - EBDBBnB

[bunniefuu]

Andre: I'm Andre!

And I'm Russell!

Both: And welcome to another episode of Ménage à Cinq Video Blog!

(both grunt)

Kevin: Not another one of these.

How many of these videos are they gonna make?

Whether you want to enjoy a romantic Pinot with your lover... or a rowdy round of Riesling with your racquetball team... we think you'll find this place has the perfect terroir.

But don't worry, we're not pretentious--

Both: Non, non, non, non, non!

Jenny: How many takes do you think that took?

Taco: It took 13.

How do you know?

I directed it.

No expense was spared.

We installed these old bank fixtures to turn this wine bar into an old bank, which we then turned back into a wine bar!

Ruxin: That seems unbelievably expensive and unnecessary.

By the way-- did I tell you guys I'm thinking of buying a giraffe.

One of the number-one problems in the restaurant business today is when you're sitting in a booth, what do you do with your elbows?

Well, at Ménage à Cinq, we spared no expense in inventing the leather elbow rester.

#patentpending.

You know he got that sweatshirt, just so he could say "hashtag."

And for private events, we have our own special wine room.

And our unisex toilets mean even more opportunity to mingle.

#makefriendsonthetoilet.

#partywhileyoupoop.

If this wine bar were a first-round pick, it would be Ryan Leaf.

Pete: Or Jamarcus Russell.

What's that?

You want some adventurous single-vineyard selections from around the globe?

Oh, we got that.

Andre also found these super-cool antique wine implements.

Don't tell anyone, but they're actually 18th-century gynecological tools.

Ew.

Well, if it's cork versus speculum-- cork, you're going down... (imitates cork popping)

#tuesdayniteisladiesnite.

#comeondown.

Congratulations, Andre.

You ruined wine.

I'd rather talk to people about their kids.

You know what?

CB did the cutest thing at the party...

♪ Nobody cares... ♪

Oh, no...

♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares... ♪
♪ Nobody cares! ♪

Men: ♪ Nobody cares ♪
♪ Nobody cares ♪

(falsetto): ♪ Nobody cares, cares, cares! ♪

Hey!

You're on my team.

Yeah, no, I-I got caught up.

Sorry.

That's a solid falsetto...

#flaccidodomingo.

Russell's team is really good.

Andre's k*lling it, too.

Yeah, of course he is.

He picked up all of our players after the incidents with the Washingtons.

Trade of Tears.

I would trade them back Manhattan for those players.

In spite of that, I still snuck out a victory, thank you to my lucky jersey.

You're gonna need a lot more than your lucky jersey next week, "Matt Farté."

You're playing me, and the winner goes to the playoffs.

Mm!

Yeah, no kidding.

I need to squeak out against this sh*t-sipper over here.

What about me?

Did I make the playoffs?

No, you and Chuck are out, buddy.

Whew! What a relief.

I'm gonna need all the time I can get to fix up my new house.

What?!

What?!

I wanted to wait until all the papers were signed but, as of today, it is official: Taco over here is a homeowner.

Did you buy yourself a "Live Not Work" space in the city?

No, I decided to leave downtown and join my brother and his girlfriend in the "slum-burbs."

Well, great.

Now you can gather up all your stuff and get it out of my house.

No, I'm still gonna need the storage space.

You think I'd store that junk in my house?

(zipping up)

Ah.

Huh?!

What?!

(groans with disgust)

I go into the bathroom, the toothbrush is sitting there on the metal thing.

I'm, like, how does that happen?

Is it a guy brushing his teeth in an office bathroom, who has no control over his gastrointestinal issues, so he goes to the bathroom and keeps brushing his teeth?

Or is it a time management issue, where you're, like, "I gotta make the most out of my day, so I'm gonna brush my teeth while I blow foam."

I don't get it.

What's the problem?

The problem is don't bring anything that you're going to put into your mouth into a bathroom stall.

Well, add toilet-brushing to the list of things that you are passionate about.

That, and limited the number of add/drops.

There should be unlimited add/drops in our league!

(clears throat)

No, that's a battle for another day.

Right now, I just want to know what animal would do this.

Enough out of you, Ruxin.

Taco, what's going on with the new place?

When can we see it?

Well, there's still some work that has to get done, but I'll have you guy over when it's ready.

Good.

You know, actually, I have a place opening up, too.

Ménage à Cinq is gonna be the best place to watch the games.

(guys moaning, murmuring)

Look, you guys want gluten-free and vegan snacks, we got 'em.

You know, I have a little bit of a gluten allergy, so it's sort of a...

Oh, could you stop with the gluten sh*t, Yeast Mode?

Oh, you can call me Yeast Mode all you want.

I don't see it as an insult.

I wear it as a badge of honor.

(guys murmuring, groaning)

That's right, Yeast Mode's in the playoffs, y'all!

I think I'm developing an Andre intolerance.

I decided to just cut out all conversations about gluten, 'cause even though I'm not allergic to it, I just feel better when I don't have them.

Gross.

(groans, sighs)

♪ Ruxin and Big Rod All ready to pee Nobody here but you and me... ♪

(man groaning)

What is up, buddy?

What are you doing, Chaps?

Going to the bathroom.

There's no divider here.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Come on... (chuckles)

Oh, my God!

I assume that you were just peeing?

That's part of it.

(grunts, farts)

Oh, you're a creep!

Disgusting!

Hey, hey, hey!

Wash your hands!

Wash your dead tooth.

I tried that!

It doesn't help!

Chaps, with the dead tooth?

Mm-hmm.

You want me to fire him because he took a dump?

No, I want you to fire him because he took a dump in front of me.

It's a public bathroom.

No, it's a one-person bathroom.

With two facilities.

Yeah, but there's no divider, so I gotta look at it.

You know the thing: "If there isn't a divider, stand outside 'er."

That's not a real thing.

I'm working on making it a real thing, okay?

I need your support on this.

It's disgusting!

You want to look another man in the eye while he takes a grumper?

I'm saying I'm not afraid to.

I'm saying I've done it before, whether it's lacrosse, or a fraternity initiation...

Look, Bethesda, there are certain things that separate us from animals.

One: we learn to farm.

Two: we have cable TV.

And three: we don't sh*t and look at other people in the eyes while we're doing it, okay?

You want to look a guy in the eye while he's taking a sh*t, like a dog?

You know how embarrassed dogs look when they're sh1tting in front of you?

Their arched backs, and they're looking at you, they got fear in their eyes, and when they're done, they scrape around in dirt, so that's...

You know what?

I guarantee you that Chaps is the Toilet Toothbrush Bandit.

What toothbrush?

I was in the bathroom recently, and there was a toothbrush sitting on top of a toilet paper dispenser.

Is this why you have been calling people into your office, asking them all kinds of weird questions, instead of doing your Chevron depositions?

I am working on the Chevron case, but I am also working on the toilet toothbrush case.

Just do your job.

Sometimes you've gotta take a stand & say: That's not right!

We are corporate lawyers.

We absolutely never ever say that!

I'm telling you, it's that dead-tooth ginger.

Wait, wait, wait-- hold on.

How do you open Excel?

Just open Microsoft Office.

Yep.

Okay.

Hey, do me a favor-- send that kid in here.

I'll call Ganesh.

Hey, Tiny.

Just a salad today?

Yeah, it's boring as sh*t.

They gave me some extra bread sticks, if you want one.

You know, I can't.

I've been having stomach issues, so I went to the doctor, and he thinks I might have a gluten allergy.

Oh!

You mean like Andre?

No, no, no, no-- we are not telling Andre about this.

I can't have any bonding moments with Andre, especially one that is centered around meals and has no end in sight.

No, it's the worst.

Yeah, "Bond-dre" is horrible.

I remember, in high school, when he found out we both peeled our bananas from the bottom...

You remember that?

Yeah, you guys were, uh, "banana twins."

No, no, no, he wanted to call us "the Banana Bottom Boys."

Oh... (groans)

He was talking about t-shirts and hats-- I would have had to switch high schools.

This is what I'm talking about.

I cannot become a gluten buddy.

I do not want to be GFF's with Bond-dre.

Deal.

Yeah.

You know what?

I think I'm developing a citrus allergy.

Every time I eat oranges, the orange goes down fine, but the peels just sit there in my stomach.

So what you see before you are three different types of wine decanters.

I'm trying to figure out which one would fit perfectly on the tables at Ménage à Cinq.

Kudos to you, Andre, because you are committing everything to this wine bar-- your money, your time, your personal collection of butt plugs... Okay... these are not butt plugs, they are decanters, thank you very much.

Now let's do the sniff test.

This one, you can hold by the shaft...

But you're still gonna want to tickle it from the base.

Well, no, if you actually cup the bottom, you're gonna heat up the good stuff, and you don't want to do that.

Yeah, then the wine will just spill out all over the place too quickly.

Exactly.

This one has a much smaller shaft, which I like, but, um...

I'll be honest-- I'm a big-shaft man.

Mm-hmm.

That's interesting because, while this one has the smallest shaft, it has a nice grip, which would allow for turning just for the customer's extra pleasure.

This one seems more appropriate for group parties 'cause you can get more hands on there, and then, you know, everyone's working it in.

It's a party experience.

Okay, you know what?

This is not going up anyone's assh*le.

So, then, what are we doing here?

We're trying to pick a decanter.

Sniff away.

I'm getting another beer.

(Andre sniffing, sighing)

That a Heisler?

Jesus, Andre.

What do you want?

Gluten-free beer.

Well, well, well, Pete.

Welcome to the tribe.

Is this gluten-free?

You know what?

Maybe I need glasses.

Hey, you don't need glasses.

You're gluant.

Gluant?

Gluten-intolerant.

I am not.

This was just... just a mistake.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

We'll be GFFs.

We're not GFFs.

I want to hold hands with you...

No.

...and walk into bakeries and tell everyone what they're doing to their bodies is poison.

Think about it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Pete.

What are you drinking my father-in-law's beer for, huh?

That's your... your father-in-law's beer?

It was an accident.

I thought I was getting a Peroni.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have been mistaken, then.

I thought you guys were part of the club.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I love bread.

I mean, I won't eat it if it doesn't have bread in it.

This sh*t pig?

He lives in a bakery.

Yeah.

Oh, all right.

I guess I'll see you grain brains later.

Oh, thank God.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

I owe you big-time.

Yeah, you think?

You almost walked into that.

I'm so scared.

I love you so much.

Ew, squish.

Come on, come look at this.

Oh.

You got to see this.

All right. Sorry.

Move, move, move, move.

Andre, move your butt plugs out of the way.

They're not butt plugs.

Hi. I'm Taco, president and CEO of Taco Corp, and I want to welcome you to the world's first Eskimo Brothers Database Bed-and-Breakfast.

The EBDBBnB.

The EBDBBnB is a comfortable, cozy environment where you and your Eskimo brothers can shack up, hang out and make more Eskimo brothers.

What?

Can't believe this is what he did with the house I sold him.

♪ Where do you go to put a "P" in a "V"?

Come on down to the EBDBBnB ♪

If you need any room service or sex toys, just ring the front desk.

♪ It's a relaxing, charming, down-home kind of place And when you hook up, we'll add it to the database ♪

Ah, Michael and Jessica.

Slept with each other.

Now, if you could just fill out this form, let me know who else you've slept with, I'd appreciate that.

How was he?

♪ Relax in a hammock or have some ice tea And please wear a "C" so you don't get the HIV ♪

(horse neighs)

And if you're not having sex, just put the "disturb" sign on the door, and someone will be right in to help you get things started.

Right this way.

There you go.

They are right in there.

Wait a second.

This is a brothel, right?

♪ Expand your Eskimo family tree at the EBDBBnB We're not responsible for any STDs ♪

What happens at the EBDBBnB stays at the EBDBBnB... in our video collection.

And don't worry--

Gupta just watches.

♪ This BnB is the place to be if the "P" is going in the "V"

Or the "M"

Or, if you're lucky, the "B." ♪

All right, start screwing.

What's the "B"?

That's that little hole where Andre puts his decanters.

So come on down to the EBDBBnB.

We'll be waiting for you.

Ah, doesn't look that bad.

I'll probably head down there.

Hi, guys.

Taco, what are you doing?

Did you start a brothel?

What?

The EBDBBnB is not a brothel.

It's a bed-and-breakfast with penetration.

That is a brothel.

At least I'm not opening a wine bar like some idiot.

Ha!

You guys should come by.

Sofia's gonna be making her world-famous chorizo.

What? She hasn't made me that chorizo in years.

She makes it for me every week.

It's amazing.

Uh, there are gonna be tons of people.

We're gonna watch the games.

Gonna be food and everything.

What do you guys say, huh?

EBDBBnB this weekend.

No, no, no, no, no.

We already agreed that we were gonna watch the games at Ménage à Cinq this weekend.

I already planted my flag.

We're opening this weekend, so a lot of people will be planting their flags.

I mean, actually a lot of you guys will be at Ménage à Cinq, right?

Uh... Uh... Right.

I'll see you guys Sunday.

Jenny, I need to talk to you.

I need your help.

Oh, yeah, you thinking about franchising?

No, no, no, it's just, BnBs are usually run by really old lesbians, and you're the oldest lesbian I know.

I'm not an old lesbian, Taco.

I bet Becky from field hockey would disagree.

Will you quit it?

Well, I need a lesbian to run this thing, and Andre's busy this weekend.

No.

By the way, can I borrow those butt plugs?

They're not butt plugs.

This is for wine, not for assholes.

You're holding it.

Yeah, egg salad sandwich on pumpernickel.

Extra egg, extra mayo.

Bye.

(clears throat)

♪ ♪

Aha!

I caught you, Chaps.

Injecting insulin?

Huh? You're diabetic?

Yes, assh*le.

Cool. Cool, cool.

You're weird.

Mm-hmm.

Stop being weird.

I'm the weird one?

This guy is not locking the door when he goes to the bathroom.

That is weird.

It's a two-person bathroom.

Bingo.

There's no divider.

It's not a two-person bathroom.

What do you want, man?

What I want is to not look another man in the eyes while he's taking a grumper.

Have you never been initiated to something?

Exactly.

No, I save my h*m* stuff for message boards.

You serious?

I mean like fantasy football.

Like, "I'm gonna stuff that in him,"

"he's getting stuffed by that guy."

Oh, yeah, no, no, I get it.

That's good stuff.

Okay, great, so I want to launch a formal investigation into the Toilet Toothbrush Bandit because, I'm telling you, the Tooth Scary here is brushing his teeth while he's dropping grumpers off.

That's never gonna happen.

What you need to do is apologize to Chaps and his tooth.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna need a medium if I'm going to apologize to that tooth 'cause it's so dead.

Ah.

Do you think the lawyers for those indigenous people down in the Amazon are goofing around like this?

I guarantee they're dealing with plumbing issues.

Do your job or I'll send you back to Korea.

Got that, Ke-Mo Sah-Bee?

Do your job, "Kemma Sibby."

That's not even Korean.

It's... (groans)

Oh, my God.

Hey, Rux.

Yeah, I'll call Ganesh.

Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no washing my lucky jersey during the playoff push.

What?

This baby's got to stay pristine.

Pristine was about five exits back, babe.

That thing is filthy.

Filthy? No.

This thing is covered in luck.

Is that what you're calling it?

Because, to me, it looks a whole lot like mustard.

That's what luck is.

Luck is comprised of mustard, ketchup, tears and blood.

For a hot dog vendor.

This thing's gonna help me win it all this year.

And when I do... Hey, guys.

No, Taco, you cannot take our stuff.

No, this is my stuff.

I'm moving out of this sh*thole.

Really?

What?

Don't worry, I'm still gonna come here for eating.

Uh, can I get a hand?

I have a lot of gizmos to get out of here.

Yes.

See? Lucky jersey.

What do we got?

What?

This was all in our attic?

I'm gonna take all this stuff with me, but I'm gonna leave some of the junk behind, like the couch in the TV room.

That's our couch.

Here you go.

My God, these are all condoms?

Yeah.

I need them for the EBDBBnB.

A lot of people having sex over there.

Lambskin?

Gross.

No, no, no, they come the closest to simulating unprotected sex.

I think they're the closest thing to having sex with a sheep.

That is incorrect.

Lambskin condoms are the best.

And when you have sex as much as I do, you want the best.

It's like how it's okay to buy $300 sneakers if you're really into running.

Exactly-- I don't just have sex for fun on the weekends, like you guys do.

Well, we don't have sex on the weekend, Mr.

Know-It-All, because she says I'm too tired.

He's exhausted.

Hey, Taco!

Everyone's supposed to come over to my wine bar, not go to your stupid place!

Hey, man... what's your ass b*ating on the damn door like that?

What's wrong with you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Marshawn, don't k*ll him.

It's okay.

Oh.

He's unfortunately with me.

Oh, this your boy, huh?

How do you know Marshawn Lynch?

Yeah, Marshawn's my silent partner in the EBDBBnB.

Yeah, the EBDBBnB is all about that action, boss.

It's funny, we have a lot in common.

You're "Beast Mode" and I'm...

Bam!

Oh, here he goes.

(Marshawn laughs)

...Yeast Mode!

What the hell is Yeast Mode?

It's all about that gluten-free action, boss!

Andre, you're the last person who should be talking about action.

Oh, I get plenty of action.

What kind of action?

Hand action-- you know what I'm talking about.

Nah, that's not action.

That's action.

Not action.

That is not action.

Well, I get some mouth action, too-- a little bit.

Andre, it doesn't count if you're doing it yourself.

It does... it count... Tell him it counts when you do it yourself.

Hell, no!

I don't know nothing about that.

Okay, well, sometimes I do it myself, but that's because of my yoga class is very intense, it just slips in there.

You're blaming this on yoga?!

I don't swallow 'cause of the gluten.

How do you know... Marshawn, if you're good here, we gotta go.

Oh, what about Sunday?

Look, here's what I can do: for the morning games, people will go to the wine bar, but the afternoon games are the EBDBBnB.

Marshawn, you should come.

It'll be fun.

Ah, well, Sundays, I'm a little busy, man.

Doing what?

Sunday, that's when I go ahead and go to...

No, this is what I'm talking about, Marshawn-- for a silent partner, you sure do talk a lot.

You just yap-yap, yap-yap, yap all the time.

Bro... Let's roll.

Taco, man, I'm-a holla at you.

Take care.

See you, Marshawn.

Yeast Mode, right?

Stop embarrassing me.

All right, Taco.

(engine revving)

Wow, I am honored that you guys came here to watch the games.

It means the world to me.

What is this, Andre?

I know.

It's embarrassing.

It's a Chardonnay bottle with red wine in it-- blah.

Yeah, that's what's wrong with it.

That's what I picture Rafi's d*ck looking like-- blood squirting out the end and, like, elephantitis of the balls.

That is some fearless feedback.

That's the benefit of doing a soft opening.

You know what's super-soft is your lineup.

I am projected to win and I am thrilled.

Well, you know, I just projected in the third stall here at Ménage à Cinq.

Just had the stinker-tinker of a lifetime.

Whoo! Feeling good.

You are sh*t-pants.

Oh, here comes some food.

All right!

I've got stuff that you guys are gonna love-- especially you, Petey.

So, I have some flatbread pizza; got a little bread bowl, with some amazing clam chowder.

These are all artisanal breads.

That's a lot of bread.

Well, just because I can't eat bread doesn't mean I can't watch my friends enjoy some of our amazing homemade creations.

Mm-hmm!

So, eat up!

Try this garlic bread.

It's supposedly delicious.

Oh, looks delicious.

Here, Kevin, there you go.

Enjoy.

You don't want any?

Flatbread pizza?

I'm gonna have some almonds.

These look delicious.

No, no, no, no-- what are you doing?

You gotta try this.

It's a homemade bread pudding.

You're gonna love it.

(Kevin laughs, Pete groans)

What's wrong?

Come on, I thought you loved bread.

If you don't love bread and you've got a gluten intolerance, you and Andre could be GFF's-- Gluten Free Forever.

I love bread.

So shovel a spoonful in your face-keister.

There you go.

It's good, right?

Yeah.

Why'd you eat the whole thing, Pete?

'Cause he loves it.

Buddy, you don't look so good.

You feeling all right?

Could it be because my team jumped out to an early lead, or could it be something that you ate?

Yeast mode...

What's that? Huh?

Yeast mode...!

Oh, God!

Oh, my... oh...!

Why didn't you vomit on Andre?

Have you seen his outfit?

It would've been redundant.

GFF's!

Oh, God!

(Ruxin laughing)

Oh, no!

I feel better.

Gupta, we need ice and lube in 302, please.

Oh, how's the chorizo coming along, Sophia?

It's almost ready.

Looks fantastic.

Okay...

Can't believe I lost.

And I can't believe my lucky jersey let me down.

Can't believe you sat in that vomit-caked lucky jersey for hours, Kevin.

In hindsight, that was a mistake.

Ugh... I can't believe that you're going to be Sacko president again.

I know, it's like a run unopposed every year.

Gentlemen, please don't fill up on the snacks.

Sophia is making her world-famous chorizo, and it is to die for.

Compliments of the house, a bottle of our Three Penis wine.

It's technically a Four Penis wine.

Oh, just one moment, please.

I apologize.

Sundays are very busy around here.

What's the fourth penis?

Ragu!

Ugh.

Well, speaking of, congrats on making the playoffs again, Pete.

Thanks, man.

I'm psyched.

Oh, Peter!

Of course, it does come at a cost.

Got us some gluten-free snacks for my new GFF.

I'm not your GFF.

GFF...

That's so cute, you guys.

Come on, ride with me, my Breadless Horseman.

I really don't want to ride with you anywhere, thank you.

You want to Lady and Tramp it?

Geez... - I'm so sorry, the couple in room 23 just put their "Disturb" sign out, so I'm going to go have sex with them.

Please remember to log all of your sexual interactions while at the EBDB.

Jenny, I'm looking at you.

I'm good.

Ooh! Sophia's world-famous chorizo is served.

World-famous chorizos!

Ah! Chorizos!

(applauding)

I'm not really hungry right now.

Okay, so they might taste a little different, 'cause I used Taco's casings, but I hope you like it.

Tell me what you think.

Are these buns gluten-free?

No, maricón.

These look delicious.

Anyone see my lambskin condoms?

I washed them and hung them out to dry, but now they're gone.

What...?

What?

Oh, my... Oh...!

Oh, my God!

(all groaning)

Oh, God, it's condom chorizo!

Why would you take the condoms out of the wrapper, Taco?

Oh, my God!

Because it's a hotel.

People want clean sheets and clean condoms.

Taco, you don't wash condoms!

This is a green establishment.

We re-use our condoms!

(all groaning, gagging)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

It would seem you people were allergic to lambskin.

God, I taste it!

Look, geez, that looks great.

Mmm! Mmm!

(groaning continues)

They're world-famous for a reason, Sophia-- mmm!

Ah... ah... Couldn't get the taste of condom chorizo out of my mouth.

(stomach growls, burbles)

Oh, God...

Oh, God, okay, okay, oh, God... Oh, God...

Oh, Ruxin... What?!

You hypocrite.

It's not what you think.

You spend all this company time yammering on about toothbrushes and toilets, and you're doing the exact same thing!

It's not my fault!

I had the condom chorizo!

What is that-- Korean?

Can't even understand you, man.

Oh, yeah, this is gonna be good.

What are you doing?

Two-man bathroom, bro.

Ugh... Hey... Ew...

Check this out.

What?!

It was you all along?

(laughing): That's right.

(spits)

Oh... (stomach rumbles, burbles)

Oh... oh...!

Oh, that's good.

That's the stuff.

All right, now push it! Focus!

Don't look away!

Don't look away!

(both yelling loudly)

(yelling fades)

That's how it's done, my friend.