01x01 - Mall Hath No Fury

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Moonbeam City". Aired: September 2015 to December 2015.
"Moonbeam City" follows the exploits of an idiotic detective, of "Moonbeam City PD", who commits more crimes than the criminals he tries to lock up.
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01x01 - Mall Hath No Fury

Post by bunniefuu »

Woman: Moonbeam City. [Music] From the relaxing shores of the Moonbeam Bay to the highest heights of the observator, there's no city more fun or more safe.

[Alarm blaring]

[g*n cocks]


No! My pills are in there.

And your lighter.


[Laughs] Oh.

[Dark music]

Hold it right there, ese.

And who the hell are you, homes?

Dazzle Novak, Moonbeam City Police.

I hope your brain's hungry.

It's having b*ll*ts for dinner.


Lucky break, fart bag, but I've got one b*llet left.

I only used most of them on that car.

Welcome to the brain splat diner.

[Hammer clicks]

Tonight's special is you.


[Glass shatters]

[g*n clicks]

Do you have any b*ll*ts?


[Pulsing synth music]

1x01 - "Mall Hath No Fury"

Man: Tonight, Moonbeam City is under siege at the hands of a petty thug turned w*rlord.

In just a single night, he turned $42 of purse money into a veritable empire of drug trafficking, arms dealing, and infant neglecting.

The madman answers to the name El Diablo Malo.

Translation: the bad devil.

A nickname as uncreative as it is terrifying.

Are you pleased with yourself?

No more than usual.

Sure, you only let one measly guy get away, And now he's running the g*dd*mn city!

Not the whole city, just upper midtown and lower downtown and middle uptown lowtown. Besides, it's mostly poor people.

Where exactly did you end up last night?

I was pursuing some hot leads.

Legally, I can make any three people here do each other.

Take it. Show your friends.

Who wants some?


[Slurps loudly]

How long is this going to last?

As long as heartless crooks have snakes for hearts.

No, this.

I paid for 48 hours.

Get your skanks out of my office.

Hey, they have names, probably.

[Whispering] Keep dancing. I'll meet you in the men's room in five.

Dazzle, I need you to focus, and I'm gonna help you by taking away some distractions. For starters... your g*n.


Then all I'll have are these worthless knives.

And I'm dismantling your nap nook.

So I'm supposed to nap on my couch like a dog?

Oh, and I hope you're not too attached to this.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

How else will people know that I'm the number one cop?

I can't drink out of a trophy. I'll look like an idiot.

I'll tell you how. Go out and capture that psychopath.

I'm giving you five days, Dazzle, or you'll be gone so fast, your head'll spin.

My head doesn't know the meaning of the word spin.

[Slurps and exhales sharply]

This is humiliating.

You're telling me, brother.

It tastes like death.


Because I drink from the cup of life.

Rad Cunningham, king d*ck of the ass forest.

I see you've met my special lady.

I've been using her for all kinds of things: spitting tobacco, giving baths to my mice, storing my farts.

You monster. She wasn't made for mouse baths.

She's an angel.

Well, she's mine now, okay?

Just like your office will be and your crystal house dome on the Moonbeam Bay.

Don't like it?! sh**t me.

I want to, but I can't. [Laughing]

[Door knob clicking]

Got it. [Laughs]

[Door clanks open]

That guy's a real jerk.


Try jerk hole. Hi, I assume we've boned, but could you remind me your name?

I'm Chrysalis, Chrysalis Tate.

I'm a junior temp underling in the tech unit.

The name's Dazzle. This used to be my playground.

Now I'm just a nap-deprived husk of a man with nothing to put in my holster but skittles.

Rainbow candies can't bring down a w*rlord.

El Diablo Malo?

How do you know? Are you him?

No, we've got trackers on a few of his men.

Word is, they're about to move some coke through a shopping mall loading dock.

Which mall?

The Moondale Walk Park Plaza place?

I'll tell you, but only if you let me come with you.

Oh, so that's your game... extinction.

Do you mean extortion?


[Sighs] Listen, I'm sick of fetching coffees, getting pushed down stairs.

I want to be in the field, where the action is and the stairs aren't.

And if I don't let you?

I'll tell Pizzaz you sexually harassed me.

I did no such thing.

Your pants came off a while ago.

So they did. I look forward to working with you.

So when my fifth wife got run over by a mule cart, I married the mule.

Your janitor has a very extensive back story.

Zlugov has suffered more than you and I.

So when's the yayo getting delivered?

Well, this is my first stakeout, but I think we just wait.

How long's it been so far?

Six minutes.


[Clocks ticking]

How long's it been now?

Still six minutes.

You just asked me.

Damn it.

I thought imagining a clock would help. Hey, listen, I'm gonna bolt.

Wait, you can't leave me here. I'm unarmed.

You've got the most powerful w*apon of all: a horn.

Honk loud. Make your attackers go deaf.

Dazzle, please.

I'm getting a soda.

Would you like anything? No, never mind.

I don't want to double fist.


[Horn honks weakly]

[Game sounds]

Chrysalis: Dazzle, it's been 45 minutes.

Am I just supposed to listen to you play video games and h*t on teenagers?

Yes, do not shut off that wire ever.

And if Pizzaz pokes her ugly Greek nose into this, you keep your mouth shut.

I don't think she's greek, Dazzle.



♪ She is the mournful dolphin crane ♪


♪ from a starship in the stream ♪

♪ she cloaks him in a crystal cape ♪
♪ and a quilt made of her dreams ♪
♪ flight of the windstress ♪

♪ she summons her dragon friend ♪
♪ and they climb aboard his tail ♪

Rival g*ng, vamos. att*ck-amos.

♪ he's actually a whale ♪
♪ flight of the windstress ♪

[Scattered applause]

Thank you.


Dazzle, I need your help.

Not today. I'm on a new assignment, and this time, my heart's in charge.

Yup, things are looking up for old Zlugov.

[Pulsing synth music]

Your music is amazing.

It makes me feel like I'm on a beautiful white lion's knee, and he's telling me he's proud of me.

You mean it?


And I know a lot about music.

I listen to all kinds.

Even rap and country?

Oh, God, no. Can I just say?

You really know how to work those chimes.

I love caressing them, putting all my passion into my fingers and letting them run wild.

What if I was a chimes? How would you play me?

What do you say we go somewhere private?

Like where?

Wherever our dreams take us.

[Slow synth music]



Where'd you learn how to chalk outline?

Chalk outline clown college? [Laughs]

Great, nothing I'd rather see than a pile of d*ad bodies next to one of our vans.

Um, hi.

Start talking, or I'll find some stairs to push you down.

We were looking for dr*gs, so we came here to...

We? Who put you up to this?

You know damn well who.

I can smell Dazzle's stink from a kilometer away.

Cut the Canadian talk, or I'll have you deported.

Yes, ma'am.

And, you, take me to Dazzle.

I lost track of him.

[Both moaning over radio]

Shut it off.

Okay... [Both moaning]

Shut it off. Shut it off!

Do I have to do everything?! Shut it off.


You were amazing, Naishisha. Ai... Aish... Aishi?

How do you pronounce your name?

I don't know.

In my homeland, a girl cannot utter her name out loud.

The shah will cut off your elbows.

You've known too much pain, Aishia. That ends today.

I am going to make the world hear your siren song.

Congratulations. You just slept with your new manager.

But, Zlugov, you're just a janitor.

Oh, actually, I'm a police detective. I forgot to explain that.

The point is, I'm going to book you in every mall you've ever dreamed of.

The Moonbay Springs galleria spot?

The North Moonpoint Cove Metro-plexarium?

And maybe, just maybe, the dell Moonridge Oaks North-South Circle Square.

[Gasps] You'd do that for me?

You bet your boobs I will, and when Dazzle Novak sets out to do something, damn it, he does it.

62 channel light board. Twin LCD jumbo-trons.

And no more collecting money out of an old hat, 'cause I bought you a big hat.

Oh, Dazzle, it's wonderful.

I've spared no expense.

You spared lots of expenses.

There's no reinforcement beams in this stage.

It could collapse at any minute.

[Chuckles] That's a lie.

Just step carefully.

About damn time.

I told you I didn't want to fetch coffees anymore.

You'll thank me when you're at a crime scene juggling cups of blood and semen.

Give me those.

These are all for you?

Some are for drinking. Some are for throwing.

I almost forgot. Time to meet your band.

Hey! Look alive!

On the cymbio-sphericus, Jade Armstone.

On the cucklicoo, Xenu Windstoke.

On the a**l flute, Tyrus... actually, let's skip him.

And on the most crucial instrument, the rain stick...

I'm sorry. Remind me of your name.

Manheim Crowkicker.

Welcome to the team.

I set up the pins, milady. Now you knock 'em down.

One, two, three, four.
[Atmospheric music playing]

♪ Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
♪ ah-ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ ee, ee-ee ♪
♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
♪ ah-ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ ee, ee-ee ♪
♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
♪ ah-ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ ee, ee-ee ♪
♪ ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
♪ ah-ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ ee, ee-ee ♪

El Diablo Malo's reign of super terror continues. The maniac at large has seized all local animal pounds, fed cocaine to rabid dogs, and unleashed them in elderly communities. Today, we must join hands and pray for the madness to stop. In other news, Moonbeam City music loversters can't get enough of bewitching food court songstress Aiashashashe.

My damn step kids won't shut up about her.

Now, meet the mastermind behind her meteoric rise, music super svengali, Dazzle Novak.

Oh, God.

Typical morning for me.

I wake up at 5:00, take out six phones, make seven calls, throw three phones away.

It's a good system, and it works for me.

I sat down with Dazzle at his company's headquarters located within the Moonbeam City Police station.

This business... it's not a talent business. it's a people business.

And this person right here is not a people.

She's a talent.

Lesser men would cr*ck under such pressure, but for Dazzle, it's no sweat. He's powered by love.

Let me show you something. Can you get a sh*t of this?

Get in tight. Closer.

Perfect. Look at what my girl gave me.

It says, "number one manager." Incredible.

I can't believe I get to do this girl.

Son of a b*tch!


This just gets worse and worse.

Come with me, missy.


Excuse me.

This is a private meeting.

Oh, my foot's about to have a meeting with your privates.

Meeting requests go through Jung Li.

What time is your foot available?

Get the [bleep] out of here!

[Sighs] Dazzle, while you're out playing music man, that maniac is filling every mall in your tour with cocaine.

Perfect, he's right under my nose, like some of his extremely popular cocaine.

Then why haven't you caught him?

It's a game of cat and mouse. He's the cat and the mouse.

I am a machine that crushes cats and mice.

You've got 48 hours. It's his head or your ass.

This is all your fault.

My fault?

You showed that lady shark our confidential documents.

This could destroy Dazzle-Tone media.

I haven't said a word. She grabbed the maps from me.

You have been a cancer on the Whisper Nymph Tour since day one.

Pack your things. You're fired.

You can't f*re me.

Can too.

Do not confer with anyone on the way out.

I definitely can f*re you.

Thanks a lot, jerk. No, wait. "Jerk hole."

Dazzle, this is wonderful.

As a girl, I dreamt of cleaning the dishes for such a meal.

You deserve it. Tomorrow is the big one.

The dell Moonridge Oaks North-South Circle Square.

My parents would be so proud, if they weren't trapped in the shah's copper mine.

Well, I hope you're sitting down, because I have invited some special guests tomorrow, the nomination committee for the Golden Dream Catcher award.

Oh, God!

I know, I know.

I know it's not the crystal pan flutes, but still.

No, behind you.

Room for one more?

No. I don't have a third chair.

[g*n cocks]

I'll stand.

I'd like you to meet a new friend of mine.

She's got bigger chimes and an even more unpronounceable name.

What is it again, baby?



I even booked her first gig. Seems there's an opening at the dell Moonridge Oaks North-South Circle Square.


You'll burn in hell for this.


But at least I won't be thirsty.


Game, set, over!

[Laughs and shouts]

Ah! Help!



Help us!



[Both grunting]

It is no use.

Wait, I've got an idea.

Maybe we can still bone.

[Moaning] Reach.

Almost. Oh, no.

My penis is long enough to reach you.

I just don't want to tear a d*ck-shaped hole in these pants.

How did it come to this?

I just wanted to sing songs about prisms and coyotes getting married to ghosts.

And I just wanted to prove myself as a cop.

Chrysalis tried to help me, and I pushed her away. [music]

What do we do now?

We try to survive here, eating flies and spiders, and then we die.


Need a lift?

Miss Chrysalis!

How did you find us?

Like you said, never turn off the wire.

Quick, get us out of these cuffs.

Care to do the honors?


Stop it!

Hold still.

Why don't I go find a saw?

All right, everyone.

The Golden Dream Catcher committee has landed.

So you better bring it, or I'll put you back where I found you in that sweatshop that makes uncomfortable chairs for other sweatshops.

What the hell is this, Crowkicker?

Uh, gripping powder.

It helps me hold the rain stick.

Really? That's a great idea.

All right, game faces, everyone.

Kick the tires, and light the fires.

Wow, this powder really works.

See? You can trust me.

[Lively synth music]

The show starts in three minutes.

Yeah, the skull-cracking show, starring me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a singer.


[Engine revving]


Bring me the head of Rad Cunningham.

Why don't you come up here? I'll give you all the head you want.

I hope you're a panda, 'cause you're going to eat bamboo.


[Both grunt]


[Both grunting]



Huh? Oh!

Ow! [Groans and yells]


Eat chimes, b*tch.


[Both shouting]


Oh, [bleep].

Who would've thought?

Rain stick virtuoso Manheim Crowkicker was really a drug lord.

Me... I thought that as soon as I saw him.

What in the name of God's name happened here?

Perp busted. That's what.

All I had to do was impale him on my purposefully rickety stage at my wind chime concert. [Sighs]

Technically you did as I asked, but if you ever leave a mess like this again, I will bury you so deep the world's smartest worms couldn't find you.


This is an outrage!

I pushed Dazzle into that stage. I should get a parade for this.

[Dog groans, snorts]

What's this on your hands?

Gripping powder.

Yeah, right, everyone knows gripping powder's green.

No, it's gripping powder!

Gripping powder is white sometimes. No, no!

Well, well, well, quite a show today.

I'd like to present both girls with these.

You're not from the Golden Dream Catchers?

No, Department of Immigration.



Of course, if a U.S. citizen marries her, she can stay.

[Horn blares]

[Glass shatters]


You ain't supposed to park near one of me.


Right here, ass[bleep].


Nice work, comprende.

You mean compadre.

I'd imagine so. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to catch up with some old friends.

[Soft piano music]






[Both moaning]


Okay. Okay.

Shut it off.


Shut it off.


Shut it off!

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