01x07 - Premium Membership

[bunniefuu]

♪

Have you ever seen people laugh less than comedians at a comedy party?

Oh, I know, right? All the laughs of a free AIDS test without the glamour.

Carl retweeted my joke about how Miles Teller looks exactly k.d. lang.

How is Carl?

He's super sweet, but he's almost too sweet.

Mm-hm.

Sometimes I just think I want a guy to come up to me and be like, "Hey."

And then within five minutes we're just videotaping ourselves having sex for some James Franco art project.

Maybe you just don't want a boyfriend?

Well, at least not one so kind.

The only kind of kind I like is Richard Kind.

Oh, God, I would love to f*ck Richard Kind.

I just want Carl to be a little meaner.

Mean people are the ones you remember.

Like, on my recaps, the only commenter I ever remembered is this happyhour37.

She posts the nastiest stuff about me every day.

Like, what does she do, just att*ck your writing?

She used to. But now it's gotten personal.

She found what I look like and she started calling me Fat Reba.

(glass shatters)

Who invited Frank Zappa?

That's Sonny Killburg.

He hosts this podcast called The Godless Podcast.

You know what, the NSA needs to shut down iTunes.

Hey, uh, Sonny.

Julie Kessler, Billy Epstein.

We're big fans. How're you doin'?

I'm shitty. My guests just dropped out for tomorrow morning, so...

Wow, well, it sounds like you're asking us to fill in.

And we would love to.

Thank you for asking.

Okay, well, guys, the podcast is for comedians who are atheists, so.

I don't even know if you guys are comedians.

Yes, we are very much comedians.

And we're very much atheists.

I mean, we think people that do believe in God are huge dumb-dumbs.

Yeah, if God exists, then why isn't Monique one of the new Ghostbusters?

And what kind of God would've taken away my mother's legs?

Seriously?

Your mom lost her legs?

One of them is cut off right at the hip, and the other is pretty much capri-length.

♪

See you tomorrow?

Hey, guys, I'm here with atheist comics Julie Kessler and Billy Epstein.

You're gay, you're a redheaded brassy broad. Tell me why.

Well, we're like Will and Grace if one were a six and the other were a seven.

Yeah, or like Bette Midler and Bruce Vilarich, if they were broader.

If you had to chose, Lisa Rinna or h*tler?

h*tler.

h*tler.

Okay.

Now, guys, I hate God.

Drives me crazy. What gets you going?

I hate people in the business who are like, "Oh, you're so great, but we don't know what to do with you."

I'm like "Oh, you don't know what to do with me but you figured out Peter Dinklage? f*ck you."

Have you ever met a girl that's like...

Yes.

Do you know what's crazy about me?

I, a normal sized woman, would f*ck Peter Dinklage.

Isn't that amazing?

Someone get me a Kennedy Center Honor.

(laughing)

Man, you guys were hilarious.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

How come you don't have your own podcast?

Oh, we did, years ago.

But we couldn't get an audience.

Yeah, we may as well have been on NBC.

Hiyo.

Well, you know, things have changed. I mean, if you get on a podcast network, podcasts can lead to a book deal, which can lead to a basic cable holding deal, which can lead to Hulu, which leads to Amazon, which leads to a Golden Globes speech where you're thanking the trans community.

I like all those things.

Except Amazon. They gave Woody Allen a show and they wouldn't take my humidifier back.

Well, if you guys do a new podcast... I'll put it on my network.

Let's do it!

Yeah, yeah yeah!

Let's do it.

We're gonna have a podcast again!

And you're the funniest atheists I've had in here since Penn Jillette.

Thank you.

f*ck you.

We had fun.

Hey, let's celebrate!

I'm going to a bar where podcasters hang out.

Oh, wow! That sounds pretty crazy!

Wow.

Oh, trivia night's insane.

Sarah Koenig wore shorts with tights one time.

♪

Babies!

So what are we gonna wear to the podcast bar?

Oh, really.

We could wear an adult diaper and a Kevin Smith hockey jersey and still be the coolest ones there.

Are you gonna bring Carl?

Oh, I don't know.

I liked him better when he was just a stranger with a big d*ck.

Now he's a nice person.

Okay, more importantly, podcast, how are we going to afford equipment?

I bet my mom still has those mics.

Do you remember last year when she did that hypnosis CD?

Oh my God, how could I forget, she was so upset when Starbucks refused to carry it.

I know, and the last five tracks were of her singing standards.

Who am I?

I am nothing without my husband.

I am nobody alone.

Divorce.

Divorce.

The vorce.

May the vorce be with... him?

Mom, what's going on?

Honey, I am working.

Ladies, continue.

I started this drama therapy group for divorced women to come together to empower themselves through theater exercises.

Floy and Hazel are the only people that haven't dropped out.

Floy! Bring it down!

These are real people!

So now you guys are putting on a play?

Do you know how much money Menopause The Musical has made in this God-forsaken country?

Listen, I just came to borrow your microphones.

Uh, we'll talk about it after we finish act four.

Good! Hazel, I'm feeling something, finally.

Hey, what's up?

Get off the phone, Billy.

I'm so sorry to ask, but I'm stuck at my mom's.

Could you please pick up Senator Jellybeans and Greg from the groomer?

Julie, we have an understanding.

You don't ask me to deal with your dogs.

I know, and you don't ask me to go to the gym, and I appreciate those boundaries but I'm really in a pinch.

It's freezing, where am I supposed to take your dogs?

Can you take them to that indoor dog run on Delancey?

Get off the phone, Billy.

All right, fine, no problem.

Actually, screw it, it'll get me away from Matthew and his boyfriend.

You should see what's happening here.

It's like Russian nesting dolls covered in fur, liver spots, and smegma.

Barry, can we do Rent again tonight?

We can sing "Light My Candle" and order from that mush place you like.

Who's my baby?

We are.

It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

I'll talk to you later.

Matthew!

What have I told you about bringing your dog into the cafe?

That I'm the only one...

You're the only one... allowed to do it?

...allowed to do it.

Oh, Matthew, I appreciate you.

Billy, table nine needs their check.

♪ I'm just wild about Barry ♪
♪ And Barry's wild about me ♪

Take it, Denise.

♪ He's just wild about ♪
♪ Cannot do without ♪
♪ He's just wild about me ♪
♪ Up here, I'm up here, me ♪
♪ Me ♪

What the f*ck is going on here?

♪ Me ♪

Okay, dogs, here we are at the dog park.

Oh look, other dogs like you.

What a thrill.

Well, that one got out.

Too bad.

All right-- oh, yep!

Have fun.

(barking)

Please clean up after your pets.

(barking)

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

You know, this is crazy, we just met, but I was wondering if you...

I don't know, wanted to jerk off together behind this building?

Yeah, I would do that.

Great.

Very good, let's reconvene in ten for notes.

I have plenty.

So, mom, about those microphones for my new podcast?

I have to ask the housekeeper to dig them up and I don't like talking to her.

But I want to start a podcast.

If I don't get them from you, what am I supposed to do? Buy them used?

No, of course not.

Anything used is crawling with bedbugs.

You know, they found them on the 7 train?

And the South Street Seaport Abercrombie.

Well, that was an act of God.

(laughing)

Oh fine, but in exchange, will you do me a favor and come to see my play?

Um...

Now isn't that interesting?

That you cannot be supportive when it's my time to shine.

I try to be supportive of you...

You know how many times I've come to see your shows?

That's true. I appreciate that.

Do you know how long... I have worked on this?

Fine, yes!

I'll be there, I'm sorry.

Wonderful.

Please distribute these to all your showbiz friends.

Esmeralda! Microphonos!

(barking)

That was really hot. We should do that again tomorrow.

I am definitely up for that.

Excuse me, are these your Basset hounds?

While you were gone they att*cked me!

What are you talking about?

You can't just leave aggressive dogs unattended, dummy!

assh*le!

I'm so sorry.

Who's gonna pay for the doctor, I can't afford this!

It was my idea to leave.

I'll pay for your doctor.

No, it's my responsibility.

Here, take everything I have.

I-- I am so sorry.

Oh my God, you're bleeding.

♪

I just can't believe they bit somebody.

They've never bitten anyone before.

I know, I know, I was a little distracted at the time, but I'm so sorry, I feel terrible.

It's okay.

Oh my God.

Happyhour37 just called me "Kathy Griffin with less jokes."

Julie, put your phone down and look at these mutant podcasters.

♪

Oh, Julie, Billy!

Oh, man!

Hey.

I'm glad you guys came.

I've been telling everybody about you.

They cannot wait to meet you.

Oh, awesome.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

Uh, this is Arthur.

Hey, man.

And, um, we're just waiting on Billy's date, Carl.

No we're not. I told him I had food poisoning.

He's too nice.

Good one, man, good one.

Why not lie?

Because there's no heaven, and there's no hell.

Yeah, because, guess what?

Punch line here...

There's no God!

There's no God!

Yeah!

There we go.

(laughing)

Pushpin, what's going on?

Hey, these them?

Yep, this is Billy and this is Julie.

How're you doing?

And this is Jenny Miller.

She hosts a quiz podcast called No No, Take it Back.

And this Brett Glass.

No relation to Ira.

(laughing)

He hosts a broadcast called Bros Dissin' Chicks.

My three brothers and I, we go to bad theater ironically and rip them apart.

Well, here is your next episode.

My mother directed a play.

Seriously?

Yeah.

It's your funeral.

Oh no.

What's wrong?

I have to go.

That's Angela Peasley from NPR.

Arthur, the whole NPR, PBS rivalry is in your head.

Don't mock, Tambourine, we really hate each other.

I'm with you, Artie. Those NPR folks think they're better than everybody else, just because their shows get millions of downloads?

Pfft, please.

Seriously? Like, millions of downloads?

Multiple millions.

Let's get a round of drinks.

Yeah, let's get our f*ckin' asses on NPR.

♪

Angela, how crazy is it that we met tonight, don't you think?

We are NPR people.

All the way.

You don't understand.

We like crossword puzzles.

Beans in bulk.

A cardigan sweater that you put in the wash once and it already starts to pill.

Yeah, a cat that sleeps on your face.

Um, um...

Tom's of Maine.

Books.

Oh.

Books.

We love books.

We love books.

I love books too.

I love books so much, Angela, I have tote bags at home and they just say funny things about books like, "Leave me alone, I'm reading!"

Yes, yes, yes, and give me a book and a cat on a rainy day, and, boy, am I in heaven.

Aw.

Public radio.

Ooh.

Oh my God.

Poem books?

Love those!

Ogden Nash.

Nash Bridges.

What is your podcast about?

Books.

Books.

But I thought you said your show was about atheism.

Atheism and books.

Mostly books.

What you have to understand is that the rivalry between PBS and NPR goes back hundreds of years, if not thousands, and I could just...

You should be a guest on our podcast about books!

Yes!

We can interview you!

You have to.

That is very flattering.

I mean, no one asks the curator of a podcast network to be the guest on a podcast.

That is f*cked up.

What?

You are clearly podcast guest material.

It's written all over your clothes and your hair and your shoes.

♪

I'm worried we still don't have enough books.

The apartment needs to look more NPR-y.

Well, Angela's not coming over for her interview until tomorrow.

We have time to get more dusty crap by then.

You think so?

(phone ringing)

Oh, it's Sonny calling again.

You think he knows we're shopping around for a new podcast network?

I don't know what podcasters can intuit.

Just keep dodging his calls until we can get on NPR.

I am back from the bookstore, Lozenge.

Thank you, Arthur.

Oh my God these books look amazing!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

These are definitely gonna make us look like serious readers.

Yes, just let it be known that I disapprove of your redecorating the apartment to appease the enemy, NPR.

I appreciate your sacrifice.

You're welcome, Spinach.

Any more from your internet stalker?

Any nasty comments?

Oh, yes, as a matter of fact.

That troll found my private Facebook page this morning and wrote the word "anus" on everyone in my photos.

Oh, I think she's flirting with you.

I dared her to say whatever she had to say to me to my face, and meet up in person.

I don't know if she lives in New York, or whatever.

You know what's gonna happen.

It's gonna end up like every sitcom ever.

You mean she's gonna end up being an obese shut-in.

Or Nev from Catfish.

Yeah, or it's gonna end up being, like, a child or something and...

Oh, right, right.

...you know, your bully is gonna end up being more of a bitter loser than you are.

You're gonna feel bad, then you want to bond with her...

Oh my God! Billy. She wrote back.

DM from happyhour37.

She wants to meet me at a restaurant in Midtown!

Whoa.

She says, "Restaurants serve food so you'll be happy, ginger piggy."

Oh, you know, that's how my dad asked my mom out on their first date.

Oh, really?

♪

Call me happyhour37.

Kathie Lee Gifford?

There's no way you're not pranking me.

Pranks aren't my thing.

You're thinking of Kelly Ripa.

Well, why would anybody as famous and successful as you start an anonymous commenter account just to trash some nobody?

Well, not just any nobody.

Julie, you represent the absolute worst in an audience member.

The only reason that you watch television or go to the movies or, when you can afford it, the theater, is so you can tear it down.

No, that's not true.

I-- I want things to be good.

People have been making fun of me since before the internet existed.

I know people like you.

You just want to be funny, don't you?

But you can't be funny, can you?

Unless you rag on somebody.

Aim higher.

I feel like after this, you're just gonna disappear into glitter and leave me here.

Well, I do have tickets for Mamma Mia!

Oh!

But before I go, I'm gonna leave you with a challenge.

Anything, Kathie Lee Gifford.

Be the kind of audience member who has an open heart.

Intend to enjoy.

And judge nothing.

As Goldie Hawn once said.

And then she turned around and made Housesitter.

See, there you go.

You just can't help yourself, can you?

You're right, I'm sorry.

And I'm going to apply this philosophy to my new podcast.

Thank you for meeting me.

You're welcome.

I'll see you on the internet, Fat Reba.

Oh, there is one last thing I want you to know.

God loves you.

Even you.

♪

(barking)

♪

Hey, Billy.

Fancy running into you here.

Carl.

What's happening?

Doing some shopping, I see.

Guilty. How's your stomach?

Is it feeling better than the other night?

Oh, yeah, yes, it is.

Oh my God. Food poisoning is the worst.

You've got to stop eating takeout.

I know.

Hey.

Why don't you come over some night this week?

I'll cook you dinner.

Maybe, for sure--

I'm so sorry, I got to go.

Oh, don't be sorry.

You go do you.

Okay.

(barking)

What's going on?

Is this your dog?

He bit me.

Me too!

You can't just leave an aggressive dog unattended.

Where were you, dummy?

Who's gonna pay for this, huh?

Is this a scam?

A scam?

Oh man.

I mean, if coming to a dog park to take advantage of sad, lonely gay guys with the offer of mutual jerking off...

Excuse me?

...and then having your a cappella group extort as much money as possible from them is a scam, then maybe.

But I wouldn't use that word.

You're telling me I blew off a nice guy for, what, a prost*tute?

Hey...

That's what you are, you're a prost*tute, except with more steps.

Hey, hey! Don't give them your money!

It's a scam!

Really?

Matthew?

Oh, please, please, please don't tell Barry.

He can't take this stress, he's so close to death.

Are you kidding me?

You jerked off Matthew?

You two know each other?

This city!

It takes a real creep to spoil some innocent public jerk-off.

Everyone who does a capella is a sick pervert.

I knew my dogs wouldn't have bitten three strangers.

They're assholes, they're not monsters.

I don't think you're paying attention to the right parts of this story.

I'm sorry that your sexy stranger turned out to be a conman... who hooked up with Matthew.

But look on the bright side, you get a second chance with a nice guy.

Hi!

Hey.

So glad this worked out.

Yeah, thanks for coming.

So, what play are we seeing?

Oh my God, okay, so...

No. I made a promise to Kathie Lee Gifford.

Let's watch with an open mind.

Love that.

♪

I am alone!

I am unloved!

My husband is gone!

Uh oh.

I never would have gotten through this without you!

You are the most brilliant person alive!

I'm just a woman.

I'm an extraordinary woman.

♪ I've helped so many women ♪
♪ Just by being an example ♪
♪ Whenever you are hurting ♪
♪ Think of me ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪

(applause)

♪

Well, I'll say this, it was long.

But, in her defense, it was also very, very slow.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Hello.

Thank you.

What did you think?

You hated it.

For what it's worth, it looked like it was really hard to do.

So, good job, Mom.

Yeah, it was!

(laughing)

Oh, there's my doorman.

I...

Remind me.

Hey Julie, Billy!

Oh my God, Sonny, what are you doing here?

I called you a bunch of times and told you I was coming.

You never called back.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I was beginning to think you were gonna blow me off, though, the way you blew off that loser that you didn't want to go out with, so you pretended to have food poisoning?

(laughing)

You know what, Billy?

Go f*ck yourself!

Hey, before I go, can I meet your mom?

Why?

I mean, a shrink who directs, writes, and has no legs, oh my no God.

Introduce me to that woman.

Did I hear compliments?

Hello.

I'm Julie's mom.

You have legs.

Fresh.

Dear God, help us.

I'm going to hell.

I knew you weren't atheists, either.

You can go f*ck yourselves!

Oh, it's so great having fans.

Oh, there's Floy.

Oh, that poor thing.

She's had such a tough year.

Her husband left her and then she got bed bugs.

What?

Yeah.

She brought home a microwave cookbook and inside were bedbugs.

She bought it from that used bookstore on seventh avenue.

Oh my God.

Arthur just brought home...

Right.

...like, a ton of books from that place.

Bedbugs lay eggs in books.

They what?!

What?

You got to go home right now and get rid of them!

Gotta burn everything.

Gotta burn it!

And now for my Q&A.

♪

Ah, nothing like a book burning at night.

I'm glad we got a bedbug scare.

And you know what?

I'm glad our backup plans fell through.

That's right, and we're not backup plan people.

Exactly.

You'll find somebody hotter than dog run guy and sweeter than Carl.

Yeah, and who needs Sonny Killburg and his atheist podcast, anyway?

Yeah.

And you know what?

What?

Here's the best part.

We are going to be on NPR!

Oh my God!

NPR!

We're gonna be on NPR!

Oh, hey, Billy, Joey.

I'm ready for my first podcast interview.

Hi Angela.

Hey Angela.

You love books, huh?

Go f*ck yourselves!

(laughing)

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪