01x05 - Prayer

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, uh, where did we get this table from?

Fell off the back of a truck.

Wait a minute, you stole this?

No, I didn't steal it.

It actually fell off the back of a truck.

Almost k*lled me and your daddy.

Mm-hmm. We agreed not to sue if they let us keep it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why didn't y'all just sue him?

You would have got way more.

Well, we were young and dumb, Bobby.

Hey, everyone.

Yeah, hey, everybody. So, uh, why's the good table out? What's going on here?

What are you two doing here?

No, no, no, no... you answer my question first.

Are you planning a fancy dinner without me?

Yes.

Now you answer my question.

Why are you here?

Well, I thought we were going to the movies, but then Jerrod saw Bobby's car, and I'm not saying he's jealous, but... here we are.

Well, what's going on here, for real? Bobby, you know you can't keep a secret.

Tell me... what's up?

Reverend Carlson coming over.

Oh, Bobby.

The reverend's coming over?

You know I love the reverend.

No, no, I do not want you challenging the reverend the way you do.

You know, you're the same kid who shut down Bible study with your theory of evolution.

You realize it's not just my theory, right?

Okay, uh, who's this reverend?

He's been the reverend at my church since before these boys were born. He has stuck with us through thick and thin.

Oh, he's a good man.

A bit of a drinker.

But in a good way. You know, like Ted Kennedy.

Reverend Carlson marched with Dr. King.

Yeah, okay, but, Ma, a lot of people marched with Dr. King.

Yeah, but he was in the VIP. He had backstage passes.

Now listen, the reverend is gonna be here in a moment.

Now, if you two are gonna stay for dinner, listen up. My reputation at the church is on the line, so I want you all to keep your sins to yourselves.

Be clear with us, Ma... what are our sins, exactly?

Well, yours is standing right next to you.

It's called living in sin.

It's in the title.

Oh. (chuckles) No offense, baby.

Nah. I'm a sin, I'm naughty.

I'm just trying to get through this.

Wait, we are embarrassing, but Bobby's here?

Bobby lives with his ex-wife and her new boyfriend.

Hey, hey, he got a name, Jerrod.

Which I want you to keep to yourself.

Do not say anything about your divorce in front of the reverend.

So you want all of us to lie to the reverend?

No. Not lie.

Just omit... all the bad truths.

Well, you know what I say... nothing wrong with a little lie, long as it makes you sound more impressive.

Joe.

Well, I mean, I get tired of telling people I'm a truck driver.

Once in a while I say I'm a airplane pilot.

All right, Dad, let me keep it real with you, okay?

You don't have a voice to be no airline pilot.

What are you talking about?

Feel free to move about the cabin.

That's not comforting to you?

Joe, no lying to the reverend.

Fine. I won't lie.

That's a lie. I'm gonna lie.

Okay, it sounds like there's, like, a lot of pressure having dinner with the reverend.

No, no pressure at all.

Just relax and just be yourself, okay?

Yeah, we love you for you, Maxine.

Okay, I can't tell if you're lying to me or not.

I'm pretty good, right?

Oh, my goodness, he's here!

Now, Jerrod, no living in sin.

Joe, no lying. And-and, Bobby, no facts about your life at all, because they're all sad.

Sad, sad, sad.

Okay, wait, is there... is there anything that I need to do?

Well, uh, just don't go around telling everybody that you're pro-choice and all that.

Cynthia, you and I have never even discussed that.

But you are, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

Oh, Reverend Carlson!

Ah, the Carmichaels. (chuckles)

Uh, they had a two-for-one special.

God saves those who save.

Yes, he does. Yes, he does.

Hey, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Maxine.

Oh, pleasure.

Yeah, yeah.

We live together.

Oh, come on.

You didn't know I was gonna do that?

Oh!

♪

You know what the Bible doesn't tell you?

Moses didn't really part the Red Sea.

That's right.

God caused that sea to part every day at 5:30 p.m. Bible time.

Joses was just lucky he got there when he did.

Did he just say Joses?

That was really your only problem with that story?

More wine, dear.

Oh, no, thanks.

No, no, I mean for me.

Oh.

Oh, keep it going. Keep it going, all the way up.

Give me that meniscus.

I want my glass to look like an infinity pool.

Here we are.

Oh, that looks lovely.

Thank you.

So, Joe, uh, how's the trucking business going?

Pretty good.

In fact, the president called me personally and asked me to deliver this year's White House Christmas tree.

What?!

And, Bobby, how's your lovely wife?

Uh...

I mean, she's happier than she's ever been.

Reverend, would you do the blessing?

Mm. Of course. (clears throat)

Dear Heavenly Father, bless this sustenance that has been prepared by divinely guided hands.

And allow us to have nourishment for our bodies and souls so that we may serve you better.

Let us all say amen.

Carmichaels: Amen.

I said, let us all say... amen.

Carmichaels: Amen.

Maxine, dear?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought... I thought it would be more respectful not to join in since I'm not Christian.

Amen.

Wow, this looks good.

Not Christian?

Of course she's Christian.

What else can she be?

I don't know. There are about other five major religions.

Not in North Carolina, there aren't.

Okay, I-I'm Jewish.

Well, technically half-Jewish.

She's a Jew?

You're a Jew?

She's a Jew, Joe.

Okay, can we...

Will you stop saying "Jew" like that?

You're making it sound like a racial slur.

Jesus was a Jew.

Then again, look how that turned out.

You know what sounds like a slur? Mexican.

It's not, but it sounds like one.

You can call them that to they face.

They don't even mind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad, I don't... that's not true.

I think they mind a little.

You know, I think he meant Puerto Rican.

Joe: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just the other day down at the job, I saw a Mexican I wanted to talk to, so I said, "Hey, Mexican. Come over here, I want to talk to you about something."

And you know what he did?

He said, "Okay" and he came over and talked to me.

Just like that.

Jerrod, when were you gonna tell me that Maxine isn't a Christian?

Why is that something I need to tell you?

I've been serving that girl pork for months.

You know how bad I feel?

No, it's okay, Joe, I'm non-practicing.

I guess if you had to label it, I would say I'm more agnostic than anything.

Uh, is that the one with the crystals or the Tom Cruise one?

Agnostic?

What do you have against organized religion?

Remember when you were worried about me ruining dinner?

Okay, I don't have anything against religion as a concept. There are many great values to take from all religions.

It's the people who corrupt it that I have a problem with.

What people?

Oh, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about people who, you know, start wars over religion, who... who say love thy neighbor and then turn around and deny him his basic rights.

You know, Reverend, um...

Joe is gonna be an airline pilot.

Hey.

Hey.

You got up early today.

Yeah. I needed to clear my head.

Dinner got so weird last night.

I know, you being a Jew really freaked everybody out.

It was like 1940s Germany all over again.

(knocking)

You'd better hope that's not the gestapo.

Oh, God, Maxine, it's worse.

Jerrod, you're coming to church.

Hey, Rod.

Hey. No, I'm not going to church.

Hey, Maxine.

You really shut things down last night.

Well, I for one am happy we had the dinner we had.

Because it made me realize the importance of us getting you back on a righteous path.

I don't care what you say, I'm not going to church with you. It's Netflix Sunday.

Sunday is the Lord's Day, Jerrod, and somewhere along the line it seems you have forgotten that.

Now, Maxine, do you believe in God or not?

Yes, I believe in a god.

Just not the same one that you're picturing.

My God looks like that guy from the Allstate commercials.

He's got a confident voice and thick eyebrows.

See, that's how I know I'm in good hands.

It just sounds too flighty to me.

It seems like you are afraid to-to commit to a belief.

So let me get this straight... your problem with Maxine being agnostic is that she's afraid to commit to a belief?

Yes, that's my problem, Jerrod.

Okay, so you're saying that you'd be cool with Maxine if she were, like, a Muslim?

Oh, Joe, what is happening?

She's agnostic, she's a-a Jew, a Muslim? I mean, I just can't keep track of it anymore.

I knew she was a Muslim.

(gasps)

She wears too many scarves not to be.

What? No, no, no.

I'm not Muslim. And also I don't think scarves is how you tell if someone's Muslim.

But they do love scarves, though.

They do, they do.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, look, the point I was trying to make is that Muslims are just as devout as you, and if Maxine were a Muslim, you would still have a problem with it.

Oh, now, you just pump the brakes right there, because I am as devout as any Muslim.

Muslims pray, like, five times a day.

Five times a day?

Mm-hmm.

How did Ali have time to fight?

(laughing)

I pray more than five times a day if you count the little prayers.

What-what little prayers?

Yes, little prayers.

Like, you're in a parking lot and you're looking for a spot.

You can't find it, you say a little prayer.

Just so we're clear, I do have beliefs.

They're just more spiritual than religious.

Oh, okay. There she goes again, afraid to commit to an answer.

Okay, no, that is my answer.

I believe what you put out into the universe is what comes back to you.

That's not a religion. That's a fortune cookie.

Okay...

Don't you believe that everything is interconnected?

I mean, we're all just made up of the same things... you, me, the sky, this chair.

We're all just energy and space dust, just mixing around, swirling together inside of a giant cup.

I'm sorry, what? A giant cup? Th...

That's what you believe? You believe in a giant cup?

No. Okay.

Well, I've never had to articulate what I believe before.

I've always just said I'm spiritual and then people stop asking questions.

Well, in that case, she's spiritual, so stop asking questions.

And what are you saying, Jerrod?

Have you been converted into a giant cup worshipper?

Maxine: That's not what I meant.

No. No, Ma.

I'm still Christian, all right?

I still subscribe to those beliefs. I still pray every day.

Thank God for that.

Wait, you pray?

Yeah, I pray.

Well, don't you all know this already?

I mean, have you not discussed this?

Wait, you pray every day?

Yeah, every day.

Me and your mama talked about religion on our first date.

That and Reaganomics.

Yeah, I don't understand.

Why didn't you tell me how religious you were?

(chuckles) I don't know. 'Cause it's personal, I guess.

More personal than sharing deodorant?

Look, it says, "Strong enough for a man."

So what else haven't you two talked about?

I mean, if this thing works out and you get married, what, is she gonna make you wear a scarf and one of them little circle hats?

And what about your kids? What's gonna happen to them?

Now, you know at some point, they're gonna ask you big questions, like what happens after we die.

And you all need to be on the same page.

Is it gonna be heaven or that big-ass cup in the sky?

Mm-hmm.

Joe, what do you think? Do you think that they rushed into moving in together too fast?

I don't know.

How long a lease did you two sign here?

Cynthia: Oh, no.

They didn't even sign a lease.

This is one of those noncommittal things, just... month-to-month relationship.

Come on, Joe.

Let's go to church.

'Cause we... we got a lot to pray for.

Mmm.

Even still, kind of nice of 'em to stop by on a Sunday.

Why aren't I on the lease?

Because it-it's not like I can just go down to an office and sign a piece of paper.

It's more complicated than that.

No, I'm pretty sure that's the exact process.

Why didn't we think to put me on the lease?

And why haven't we talked about our beliefs?

And what are you praying about every day?

Mostly that we don't have conversations like this.

Well, what if we do get married one day?

I don't want to do it in a church.

And-and what... and what religion would our kids be?

Christian, probably. But mostly 'cause I want 'em wearing little Jesus pieces like Kanye.

No, you see, that's a problem, because I want to encourage them to make their own choices.

Make their own choices?

Everybody knows children are stupid, Maxine.

Can't make their own choices.

If I made my own religious choice as a child, I'd be a Scientologist right now, and that's based solely off John Travolta's excellent performance in Pulp Fiction.

You see, these are big life decisions, and we can't even agree on any of them.

But why do we have to agree now, Maxine?

Like, we don't have to make those decisions.

We're not married. We don't have any kids.

Your name's not even on the lease.

Which is... which is really a stupid thing to say.

I get that. It was a dumb thing to say.

But what if your parents are right?

What if we did rush into this, and you and I aren't meant to be together?

"Meant to be to..."

What are you talking about, soul mates, Maxine?

Soul mate's not a real thing.

So you believe that there's an all-powerful man in the sky that you can talk to, but you don't believe in the possibility that you and I are meant to be together?

Exactly!

But-but-but-but, Maxine, I think we're the best we could do within a 50-mile radius, and I don't think you can ask for much more than that.

(sighs)

Jerrod, I want... I want more than that.

And you deserve more. And, you know what, Maxine... will you put your name on my lease?

Wh-What? What...

It was funny! It was funny!

Religion is ruining my relationship.

Or my parents are ruining my relationship.

Look, something's ruining my relationship, and, for once, it's not me.

Jerrod, let's start from the beginning.

Okay. So, if I'm Christian and my girlfriend is agnostic- slash-kind of Jewish- slash-something about a cup, I want to know, is that gonna cause problems down the line?

Probably.

But, then again, maybe not.

You're really just checking off all the boxes here, huh?

Couples of any faith can have problems.

What's important is that they're both willing to work them out.

Take your parents, for example.

They had a rocky beginning to their marriage.

They figured it out.

What? What rocky beginning?

Ooh...

Was that a secret?

(inhales sharply)

You wouldn't believe the amount of secrets people tell me in this job.

I'm not even Catholic, and they still feel a need to confess.

Can you do me a favor and rewind back to the whole parent problem thing?

Well, when I was a young minister and I was about your age, your parents came to me for guidance.

Guidance for what?

Well, your mother has always been devout, but your father hasn't always been a believer.

Even still, it's a little rocky.

I clocked at least five lies he told over dinner.

You know, it's funny. The way she comes after me and Maxine, you would think they never had any problems.

Oh, big problems.

Really? (chuckles)

Mmm. Also, did you know your Aunt Lisa was a lesbian for two years?

That's why she drives a Subaru!

(laughing): Yeah.

How dare you?

Excuse me?

Maxine, what is he talking about?

I don't know. He just told me to get in the car and said I would enjoy what's about to happen.

And you will.

Please, have a seat, Maxine.

So, after you two tried to bust up me and Maxine's relationship, I went down to the reverend's office, and he had a few interesting things to say.

And what did my reverend tell you?

Well, he told me that when you and Dad first met, he wasn't religious at all, and it caused so many problems that you almost didn't get married.

No way. (laughs)

Well, this is fun.

Wait, you almost didn't get married to me?

The reverend is a drinker.

Well, how close to the wedding was this?

I just didn't want you to have the same doubts and fears that I had.

Doubts? Fears? What-what doubts and fears?

But, see, Ma, if you would've let those doubts and fears about your relationship ruin you, you wouldn't have the strong thing that you have today.

I just wanted to save you from the problems that I had.

What problems?

See, your father is... religious now, but, when we met, oh, he didn't believe in nothing, and it just drove my parents crazy.

It put so much pressure on us that we began to question everything.

Do you know how hard that is?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, I know exactly how hard that is.

Well, before you call me a hypocrite, I just want you to realize that I was just trying to protect you.

You're trying to protect me from a thing that you're doing to me?

Jerrod, you will just never understand a mother's love.

Is that why you canceled the rehearsal dinner?

Hey, don't look around. The man has questions.

Yes, the man has questions.

Mm-hmm.

It was a long time ago, Joe.

Well, it feels very fresh to me.

Joe, you didn't believe in anything.

Well, you're not the only one that had cold feet.

Joe, you didn't have cold feet!

I know, but I just didn't like how one-sided this thing is.

This is the best date you've ever taken me on.

Mm-hmm.

And we got to get out of here, all right?

Looks like these two got a lot to pray about.

(humming) (exhales)

The key to meditation is to focus on your breath.

Do I get a mantra?

'Cause I need a mantra.

No mantra.

My mantra is, "Am I doing this right?"

Just don't think about anything.

How can I not think? Everybody thinks.

I'm sitting here thinking how stupid you are for telling me not to think.

Will you all shut up? I'm trying to sleep.

(sneezes)

God bless you.

Cynthia: Maxine.

You can't find an "amen" but you got a "God bless you" at the ready?