01x06 - g*ns

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Maxine: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! (chuckles)

Maxine, are you out here taking a pregnancy test?

What is this?

Oh, that-that's a sock drawer, Maxine.

You're scared of socks now?

'Cause that's an irrational fear for a therapist.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

What? What are you talking about?

Oh!

You talking about Petey?

Yes!

You brought a g*n into our apartment?!

No, no. I brought a g*n into my apartment, and then you moved in, so... technically, you moved in with us.

How could you not tell me that there was a g*n just lying around?

First of all, it wasn't "just lying around."

It was in a sock drawer.

And secondly, I didn't know I had to tell you everything that was in the apartment.

Full disclosure, Maxine, there's a yearbook in the closet.

Look, Jerrod, I am anti-g*n.

Not just stricter g*n laws, not "get rid of all the machine g*ns."

I want absolutely no g*ns.

So you're on the fence about g*ns.

It's okay, Petey.

I'm sorry the mean lady scared you. Night, night.

Look, I don't feel comfortable with a g*n in the apartment.

You're not comfortable with a g*n in the apartment.

I'm not comfortable without a g*n in the apartment.

So I'll tell you what we'll do.

I'm gonna keep the g*n.

What are you talking about?

Well, we didn't agree, so I made a leadership decision.

You know, as the leader of this relationship...

Whoa, I'm sorry.

"The leader of this relationship"?

Yeah... Oh, you think this is a sexist thing.

No, no. I'm not the leader because I'm a man.

That's crazy.

I just have, like, way more leadership qualities than you.

And I happen to be a man.

But those two things are totally separate, Maxine.

Okay, there is no leader in a relationship.

A relationship is a partnership.

We are both leaders equally.

You know, and the way to solve this is for us to talk about our perspectives.

Talk about our feelings.

Talk about our feel... That doesn't sound like a leader.

You think Oprah says that to Stedman in the morning?

Jerrod, where did that g*n come from?

My dad gave it to me when I was 18.

He told me you can have either a really nice g*n or a really crappy car, so I chose option A.

That was the g*n.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

All right.

What are you doing?

Wait, what are you doing?

Maxine, what are you do...? Maxine!

Seriously, wha...? Where are you going?

I am returning this g*n to where it came from.

No, just stop for a second, Max...

Stop, seriously.

Maxine, as the leader of this relationship, I order you to stop!

Give me a... give me a sec.

She's gonna stop. Watch this.

I said, Maxine, halt!

♪

Cynthia, what's that kick in the mashed potatoes... paprika?

Nekeisha, you've packed up an almost disrespectful amount of food.

Well, ever since Bobby moved out, nobody cooks.

Bobby, you moved out?

Where you living?

Nearby.

Where?

Upstairs.

Oh...

Okay, Maxine, the game's over; give it back.

No. Stop.

Hey, guys. Uh, is Joe here?

Joe, the girl currently living with our son is looking for you out here!

Oh, hey!

Listen, that picture I texted you was meant for Cynthia.

Uh, um, Joe, I'm-I'm here to give you this.

Oh, no! She's come for revenge!

Hey, you got one sh*t, and you better not miss.

Oh, yeah.

This is the g*n I gave Jerrod.

You gave my baby a g*n?

Wait, wait, wait, you gave Jerrod a g*n, too?

I thought that was a special moment between us.

You gave both my babies a g*n?!

What, are you just supplying arms to everybody?!

You're like a one-man Iran-Contra.

Yes, everybody should have g*ns.

And you want to know why?

Because when they come, they gonna have g*ns.

That's right, Maxine.

We need g*ns because they have g*ns.

What? Who are "they"?

Yeah, yeah, who are "they"?

Them.

Oh... "them." Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you talking about white people or the government?

g*ns are never the answer.

They only bring pain.

I had a cousin that was sh*t by a neighbor over an argument, and I have prayed every day that no one has to ever experience that kind of pain again.

Well, I'm very sorry, Cynthia.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's not fair.

Using your emotions to win an argument.

What, are you running for office or something?

Look, listen, the fact remains that it's better to have a g*n and not need it than to need it and not have it.

g*ns and Neosporin... you need both around the house at all times.

I mean, look what's happening around us.

We are sitting ducks.

At schools, in-in... movies.

And them movies are expensive, too.

I don't want to pay $12, only to be sh*t before I can see Matt Damon get out of a sticky situation.

I love seeing Matt Damon get out of sticky situations.

That's my favorite genre of movie.

Hey, look, let me tell y'all something.

g*ns make me paranoid.

You know, that's why I actually just dumped mine off in the park.

God, I hope that's not true.

I think g*ns are for punks.

Give me a good old-fashioned Kn*fe fight any day.

See, if I'm gonna take you down, I want to look you straight in the eyes.

Bobby: You know something?

I actually would hit somebody with my car if I had to.

Yep.

What? This isn't an argument on the best way to k*ll somebody.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, then what are we talking about?

Matt Damon. I thought we was talking about Matt Damon.

Look, Maxine, I don't know why you're all up in arms about this.

I'm a safe, responsible g*n owner.

All right, that's still a problem.

Even a responsible g*n owner can make mistakes.

Did you know that you are 12 times more likely to sh**t somebody you know than you are an intruder?

12 times?

Man, that's almost a baker's dozen.

Look, that's mostly Crips and Bloods.

They'll skew any poll if you let them.

Look...

Maxine, let me ask you, okay?

Say an intruder breaks into our apartment, and we don't have a g*n anymore.

What are we supposed to do?

Call 911.

No.

But it's too late.

He's already inside the apartment.

Ooh, I'm nervous.

If someone is breaking into our apartment, it would be to steal things.

And I would never use a g*n to protect things.

I would just use my words.

I would tell them where all our valuables are, and then we would be safe.

(laughing)

I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke.

Well, a real man does not need a g*n to protect himself.

What are you talking about? I'm as real as they come.

And I own a g*n.

Joe, you do not have a g*n.

I made you get rid of that g*n when Bobby was born.

And for your own protection, I didn't listen.

There is no g*n around here!

I know this house inside and out!

Joe!

You got a g*n just sitting behind Jesus?

Mm-hmm.

You give that g*n to me. I'm gonna get rid of it!

Hold on.

You thr*aten my g*n, you thr*aten me, now.

Wow, look how aggressive g*ns are making you.

g*ns don't make people aggressive, Maxine.

g*ns sh**t people.

Yeah, and it's not aggression, Maxine, it's passion.

Passion for defending yourself, for defending your family.

I mean, look, the truth is, without a g*n, you're merely asking for respect; with one, you're demanding it.

See, that's poetry right there, boy.

Thank you.

It's like Maya Angelou's spirit has inhabited your body.

Thank you.

You two have lost your minds.

You know what, Jerrod? Keep your g*n.

But as long as it's there, I will not be coming home with you.

Oh, now you're not coming home?

So where you gonna go, Maxine?

I... will figure it out.

Hey, look, we got plenty of room here, you know.

I've been staying here a whole week and nobody even noticed.

Maxine, yes, you can come here and stay with us in a g*n-free environment.

Because, Joe, that g*n is not staying here.

Well, that's fine with me.

I'll go somewhere where my rights will not be trampled upon.

Me and my g*n are going to stay with Jerrod until you realize this is America.

That's right, Dad.

Now, this-this isn't gonna last long, right?

And while we're at it, quit adding paprika to the mashed potatoes.

Oh, no, you didn't!

Come on, Jerrod. Yell something hurtful.

Let's get up out of here.

All right, well, Maxine... stop humming in the shower.

Either sing or shut up.

She may think she kicked me out, but I walked out.

You saw me walk out, right?

Yeah, I saw you walk out.

You walked out with me, didn't you?

Mm-hmm, you should've seen us walk out of there, too, with our g*ns, looking like two dudes from a Tarantino movie.

Yeah, man.

You know what?

These women don't know how much they need us.

Just the other day, Maxine said to me, she said, "Hey, Jerrod, what do you think about this outfit?"

You know what I said? I said, "I'm gonna be honest, Maxine, I think rompers look stupid."

See, that's beautiful, son.

That takes a lot of courage to be that honest.

You must really care for her.

I know! Now, listen.

A lesser man would've sent her out into the world looking like a toddler.

But no, not me.

No, not Big J.

I care too much, you know?

That's my only flaw.

Right, now, that's a beautiful thing, son.

That's a beautiful thing.

All right, well, Dad, gonna get some sleep, all right?

All right, yeah, I think I'm gonna turn in myself.

All right.

Well, help yourself to anything.

We got food in the fridge.

Remote's right there on the table.

And here you go.

What's that for?

Oh, it's for you in case it gets cold.

It gets drafty here at night.

Well, shouldn't you keep this blanket for yourself? 'Cause I'm gonna be taking the bed.

No, no. It's my place. I'm not giving up my bed.

No, I am your father, so I'm taking the bed.

Okay, look, Dad, all right, I realize that you really want the bed, but I'm sorry, you just can't have it, okay?

All right, good night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you just pull your g*n out on me?

What?

No, I was just taking it out of my back pocket.

No, you pulled your g*n out to intimidate me.

When did you get so power-hungry, son?

Just waving your g*n all inches from my face.

Okay, Dad, you are blowing this way out of proportion.

Out of proportion?!

You just held me up at gunpoint.

And for what, a bed?

No, no, Dad, that's not at all what just happened.

You pulled your g*n out to put your foot down.

No, Dad, look, did I have a g*n? Yes.

Was I putting my foot down? Yes.

But I wasn't using a g*n to put my foot down.

Oh, you think you're the only one that's gonna put your foot down? I can put my foot down, too.

Now! What you gonna do, Jerrod?!

(laughs): What? What is...

What's wrong with us?

Oh, oh, we got crazy. We got crazy. We got crazy.

It was me though.

We got crazy.

Oh, my God, it's the g*ns.

It makes me feel so empowered.

It's like listening to Beyoncé's album, right?

You just feel stronger and prettier for some reason.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I like to do when your mama's not around?

I like to take my g*n out and do a little dance in the mirror.

Do you?

(humming)

I like your g*n dance.

That's a nice dance. (laughs)

Well, look, let me put this thing away before we hurt somebody.

(g*nsh*t)

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Dad, I just sh*t you!

I would've taken the couch!

I don't know how they do it in your house, but in this house, if a person has something to say, they just come on in and say it.

I don't... I don't have anything to say.

I was just... checking in to see what you're doing.

Everything's fine, so.

So, uh, what are you doing?

I'm trying to find The Mindy Project.

Which channel is Hulu?

I should be feeling really good about this, right?

'Cause you and I took a real stand tonight.

We're fighting our men.

We're like Thelma and Louise.

Except without the g*ns.

Am I Brad Pitt?

Oh!

Bobby, you scared me.

I forgot you're living here now.

Yeah, that's right, Mama, and I'm not going nowhere anytime soon. (chuckles)

I mean, every bed in this house is more comfortable than the last.

Now, hold on.

I don't need y'all snuggling in here.

I plan to enjoy myself tonight.

This is the only good part of having a fight.

I get to eat as many chips as I want, watch as much TV as I want before Joe come crawling back in the morning.

So how do you know that he's gonna come crawling back?

30 years of marriage.

Plus, besides, who else wants him, Maxine?

(chuckles)

So... so you think Jerrod will come crawling back, too?

Hell no!

Number one, you two aren't married.

And also Jerrod has plenty of women to pick from.

Yeah. That girl Lisa at the donut shop, she asks about him every day.

You know Lisa with the cloudy eye.

Yeah, Lisa with the cloudy eye.

(sighs)

So, okay, how is this gonna end?

Am I just gonna have to give in?

Am I gonna have to be the pushover?

'Cause I don't want to be a pushover.

Then don't be one.

See, this is more than about g*ns.

This is about how you're gonna fight as a couple.

Now, if you give in, the next time you make a stand, it is not gonna hold as much weight.

Besides, it's real easy not to take you seriously.

'Cause there's something about your face.

So you're saying don't give in to Jerrod no matter what?

I'm saying that relationships are tested.

And it's for good reason.

You have to find out how strong you are.

And the sooner you know, the better.

(clattering)

What was that?

Maybe it was Joe.

No, his car's not out there.

Neither is Jerrod's.

I think we getting robbed.

Oh, no!

Maxine, go on down there and check!

(groaning)

Damn it, I can't find the Neosporin.

All I got is Tylenol and Advil.

Okay, well, just read the bottle.

Tell me which one's good for g*nshots.

I can't believe I sh*t you.

Like, I'm a dad sh**t.

All right, deal with your guilt on your own time.

Now, we got to get our story straight.

Um, we got to tell your mama that I stubbed my toe.

You stubbed your toe on what, a b*llet?

Look, Jerrod she cannot find out about this, or she's gonna do something irrational, like blame this all on the g*ns and say I was wrong.

How are you gonna hide this from her?

Oh, I hid much bigger stuff than this from your mama.

Really?

What's bigger than your son sh**ting you in the foot?

Gambling.

Uh, the Cherokee Indians own most of our house now.

Okay, so we gonna say that we went bowling, and y-you dropped a bowling ball on my foot.

It's my fault even in the fake story?

Yes, it's your fault even in the fake story.

This is all your fault.

You sh*t me!

I know, I know. I sh*t you.

God, this whole thing has been a nightmare.

Maxine was right. Come on, let's go.

I'm gonna get her, and I'm taking you back home.

First you sh**t me, then you gonna kick me out?

You are one cold bastard, son.

Can I at least get a pair of shoes with no hole in them?

Yeah, fine. Uh, here.

Take these, put these on.

Let's go.

But these don't even match my outfit.

You're fine. You look fine.

All right, quick, let's go over the story.

Wh-What'd you bowl?

Who cares?

The details make the lie!

Okay, I bowled a 219.

You bowled a 68.

(clattering)

Oh!

All right, everybody, let's go. Let's get out of here!

Oh! Joe! Oh.

What's going on down here?

Somebody in the kitchen.

We got to get out of here.

Somebody's in the kitchen?

(clattering)

All right, I'm going in.

Dad...

(groans softly)

Joe, something wrong with your leg?

Those shoes are dope, Daddy.

Everybody shut up!

I'm-I'm about to go sh**t somebody.

No. Wait. Come on, stop.

That is a human being that is in there.

They're probably just a victim of circumstance.

Nobody told them their value. No one taught them their worth.

You know what, Dad, Maxine's right.

You changed your mind? Because of what I just said right now?

That was pretty good, right?

No. No, no.

I just don't want my dad to sh**t somebody, all right?

That's a very reasonable stance to take.

Stop making this about you.

Dad, don't-don't sh**t anybody.

Just go outside and let's call the police.

I don't have time to call the police.

I need to protect my home now.

(g*n clicks)

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

Keisha.

Nekeisha, come on.

You tried to sh**t me?

Huh?

Well, I didn't take all the leftovers. Damn!

Joe, look what you did. You almost sh*t Nekeisha.

I was aiming above her head.

It was a warning sh*t.

I don't know why this damn thing didn't fire.

Oh, my bad. That's on me.

I emptied all your b*ll*ts out after I sh*t you in the foot.

You sh*t your daddy in the foot?!

Now, why would you do that?

It was an accident.

I told you that would happen.

I can't believe you tried to sh**t me.

Okay, Keisha, we've already talked about it.

Keep up with the conversation.

Jerrod: All right, this whole thing has been a disaster, Dad.

I mean, I sh*t you, you almost sh*t someone.

Nekeisha. He almost sh*t Nekeisha.

I really think it's time you get rid of your g*n.

Look, Dad, look, you can give the g*n at the police station, and they'll give you some free pizza.

No, no.

He is not getting rid of that g*n.

When I heard that noise down here, I felt helpless.

So I want a g*n in this house. I want lots of g*ns.

I want a g*n behind every one of these paintings!

So... nobody's gonna talk about how Joe tried to k*ll me?

When you gonna let that go?

Cynthia: Nekeisha, you are always welcome in this house, but if you come over here again unannounced, you might catch a stray.

Come on, honey. Let's go to bed.

All right.

Now, Jerrod, you can give your g*n back if you want to, but it's only gonna make you seem weak.

(groaning): Oh, Jesus. Oh, Lord.

Oh, you okay, Big Daddy?

(groans): I'm all right.

So, you, uh, came to tell me that I was right?

Yeah. I mean, pretty big of me, right?

Oh!

Oh!

Damn, damn!

Look, Maxine, I'm gonna give up my g*n, okay?

Thank you, Jerrod.

All right.

Mwah.

Looks like I'm the leader of this relationship.

No, there... Maxine, there are no leaders in a relationship, you see?

I mean, relationships are a partnership; we're both leaders equally.

You know, I am... I am glad that you came around.

But I got to admit, there was a tiny part of me that hoped that there was an intruder who would come in and sh**t us to death, so that you could find our bodies and see that I was right about g*ns and feel guilty about it for the rest of your life.

Damn, girls are messed up.

Oh!

Oh, this makes me feel like I can solve all the problems of the world.

Maxine, change your major.

Bobby, move back in with Nekeisha.

Mm-mm.

Joe: All right, now, Cynthia, baby, now, to load a g*n, you press this on the side, - Okay.

This lever and the... Wait a minute.

Jerrod, there's a b*llet in here.

(gasps)

I thought you took all the b*ll*ts out.

Oh, God, that's my bad. I must have forgot one.

So, wait, you could've sh*t me?

You're still talking about that? I thought you was a badass.

Yeah, why you still holding on to that?

I already said I'm sorry.

No, you didn't. You never apologized.

I mean, my life was genuinely threatened yesterday.

Well, we think you are overreacting.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah. A little bit.

Hey, I think it's time for us to go.

Yeah.

I'm leaving Petey with you.

But, uh, before I go, let me say good-bye, all right?

Petey, I'm gonna miss you.

You should know that...

♪ If you should ever find someone new ♪
♪ I know he'd better be good to you... ♪

Are you memorializing your g*n?

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause if he doesn't ♪
♪ I'll be there... ♪

Just look over your shoulder, Daddy!

Ooh!

♪ I'll be there... ♪

No, seriously, look over your shoulder.

He about to hand you a g*n.

Yeah, here you go.

All: ♪ I'll be there ♪
♪ Just call my name... ♪

Wait. Hold on. Why are we all... I'm Michael.

Um, I should be singing this part.

♪ And I'll be there ♪
♪ Don't you know, baby... ♪

Stop being Michael!

You can't be Michael if I'm being Michael!

That's my baby! Come here.