01x09 - The Bible Story

[bunniefuu]

Great news, booked the water commercial.

Oh, that is great!

I'm the water guy.

I'm now part of the great conspiracy to sell everyone that thing they can get free from any faucet.

Whatever pays these kids' tuitions.

I hope they inherit your integrity.

I only have one show tonight.

Go get them, water guy.

Hey, will you do me a favor and swing by the church, pick up something for me?

The church is open at night, like Taco Bell?

Father Nicholas has been holding onto a gift for me. It's a bible.

A bible from a priest?

Sounds like a re-gift.

♪ Down came the rain and washed the... ♪

Jim, will you pick it up for me?

♪ spider out. Out... ♪

Yeah, I'll swing by...

♪ came the sun... ♪

.. the church on the way to the club.

Perfect. Thanks.

[beatboxing]

Jim, you're here for confession!

Confession? Uh, uh...

How... how many Hail Marys for sloth and gluttony?

[both laughing]

And how many Hail Marys for not doing any of those Hail Marys?

Tough crowd. Uh, ah... actually, ah, Jeannie wanted me to pick up a gift. A... a bible?

Ah, yes. It is in the sacristy.

Excuse me for a moment, Mrs. Gabriello.

Follow me.

I guess I'll wait.

Ah, looks like I was invited backstage.

[laughs]

Sorry.

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Who's that? Is that St. Seinfeld?

[laughs]

"What's the deal with sitting?"

[both laughing]

For your wife's tireless service to our parish, we are giving your family this beautiful heirloom Bible, personally blessed by the Holy Father himself.

Wow. Is that... ah... are we supposed to read it or ride down the Mississippi on it?

I mean, that is... wow. Er...

Hey, you don't happen to have a bag or a rickshaw to help carry this around?

I'm sorry, Jim. We have no bags.

Um.... garbage bag?

No.

It's not that I'm embarrassed to be seen with a... a bible the size of a... aircraft carrier, it's just, I'm going to a comedy club, and I don't want to get stand-up comedy on it.

So I'm like, "Get the [bleep] out here, you bitch-ass mother[bleep]."

You can't say that.

Oops, I said it.

What's the book for?

It's for reading. That's what they're for. You should try it.

What do you got there?

It's, ah... it's Moby d*ck.

It's, see, it's got a harpoon on the cover.

So is that the version of Moby d*ck where Jesus comes back from the dead and slays the whale and then blames it on the Jews?

Well, it's always our fault.

Hey, Jim, I'm about to light 'em. You're up.

Oh. Um...

Don't worry, Ishmael.

I'll hold your bible for you. Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa.

Right?

Let's try and find the part where the dinosaurs don't exist.

It's probably right next to the part where Jesus is a blonde white guy.

Exactly.

I got to get out of here.

All right, buddy.

All right, now.

I think it's great when a man's not afraid to express his beliefs.

You... you talking about the bible... my bible?

I'm off at 11:00.

Fine.

Amazing, man.

I've been a Jew my whole life.

Never once has the Torah helped me out, but that book truly is the good book.

Hell, it's... that's a great book.

A little respect. The Pope blessed this thing.

Yeah, you call him the Pope.

I call him my wingman.

Oh, my God. There he is.

Go ask him for a picture.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Would it be possible to get a photo?

Yeah, why not? Why not?

With Jim?

All right.

[both laughing]

Can you take it?

Can you?

Yeah.

You're my ten-year-old brother's favorite comedian.

Right? The kids love him.

Aw, America's sweetheart.

Perfect. Perfect.

Here, I'll give you one with me.

This one's for you.

Get in nice and close.

That's just my hand sanitizer.

Okay.

All right?

Why would you do that?

(Dave) Why did I do what?

[indistinct chatter]

(Jeannie) Hey, you guys all finished, right?

Hey.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Daddy!

Jim, it's 11:00 a.m.

You're up early.

I... I didn't hear a buzzer.

Nah, I've got my own key.

Yeah, it makes sense, Jim, in case there's ever an emergency.

What, a fashion emergency?

No, it makes sense. Think about it.

What if, you know, for example, you're eating something larger than your head, as usual, and you start to choke?

Well, obviously Jeannie can't get her arms around you to do the Heimlich, so she calls me, I rush over, I let myself in, and we both watch you choke to death.

What's it like to be your age and still have acne?

Are you two fighting again?

No. In fact, I was just asking Jim about his bible reading.

Jim? Read the bible?

Catholics don't need to read the bible.

That's why they give us Cliff Notes on Sunday.

Then what is this picture of you holding a bible the size of a child's coffin doing on the Huffington Post?

Let me see this.

Congratulations.

You made the front page, right next to a story about Miley Cyrus's tongue.

"Entertainers of faith.

"Funny man Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism.

"He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his bible in hand."

What are they talking about?

I know.

They lost me at "funny man."

Oh, no.

I've been outed as a Christian.

What is wrong with that?

Well, I don't want people to think I believe in God.

But you do believe in God.

Yeah, but that's my private business.

Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

Oh, I don't think that's true.

Your signature bit is you singing, "Hot Pockets," and suddenly you're worried about people thinking you're stupid?

No. No, really. This is serious business.

I don't want to get involved in the culture w*r.

Religion's iffy.

Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.

You're being completely paranoid.

Just because you believe in a Jesus that looks like Chris Hemsworth doesn't mean people are gonna think they're better than you.

They got plenty of other reasons for that.

Come on, Daniel. You don't believe in some sort of higher power?

You think God made man in his image?

I'm a target now.

I know. A mighty big one too.

I think Daniel's right.

Oh, well thank you.

No. Not about that.

About you being paranoid.

It's one picture on one website.

[cell phone rings]

See? My phone's ringing already.

It's probably Bill Maher wanting to destroy me on his show.

You are being ridiculous.

Hello?

Hey, Alex.

Really. That is so cool.

I... okay, I'm gonna tell Jim right now.

Okay, bye.

Somebody at the White House saw your article in the Huffington Post.

We've been invited to their annual prayer breakfast.

How about that?

Wow. That's not bad.

I mean, maybe I overreacted a little bit.

What do you think of that, Daniel?

Looks like I'm going to the White House.

Look who's cool now, like Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Aw, yeah. Uh-huh.

I'm gonna shake it off.

All right, that's not a cool dance.

♪ ♪

Kids, go back to your room.

Dude, awesome.

It was great.

Great crowd.

Mr. Gaffigan?

Oh, hi.

Kevin Ferguson.

I'm an executive at Cane Corp.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Never heard of it?

Um, no.

We operate a chain of restaurants called "Pizza House."

"Make your house a Pizza House."

That's us.

We're looking for a new spokesperson.

Oh, that's... that's very flattering, but I'm already doing this water campaign, so I don't want to do too many commercials.

A water campaign. That sounds fun.

Yeah.

Two days in Florida with us, seven figures.

I could go to the airport right now, if you want.

Our CEO loves you.

Oh, yeah? He likes my comedy?

Well, he hasn't seen your comedy, but he likes how you work clean and that you have five kids.

Jim, you'd be the perfect person to represent our company and reflect our American values like pro-community...

That's me. That's me.

And pro-family...

The repudiation of h*m*.

That's... that's... that's not me.

I just told the guy "no."

You turned down a million bucks?

Yeah.

A million bucks?

Yeah.

I'll do it for a million bucks.

I'd do it for 50 bucks and one of their awful pizzas.

But I'd be associated with being anti-gay.

I don't hate gays. I just like money more.

You know, f-f-for a million bucks, I'd make sweet love to Neil Patrick Harris.

I'd do Ed Harris for that much.

You know, this offer means that there's probably tons of people out there that think of me as a h*m*-hater.

That's probably 'cause you go around whispering strange phrases like "h*m* hater."

You know, this... this is an indication that I'm being judged for my religious beliefs.

Oh, boo-hoo. I'm sorry if you're feeling persecuted, Jim.

That's a little something my people have had to deal with for, like, 4,000 years.

[cell phone ringing]

God, my phone won't stop ringing.

You know what this means?

If I'm identified as a perfect Christian...

Right.

Then people are gonna dig up all the bad things I've done...

Oh, yeah.

And try to humiliate me.

Yeah, I don't think people really care that much, buddy.

I kind of feel like people here are looking at me.

I think they're shocked to see that you're not eating.

[cell phone rings]

Again.

It is so nice to see someone say grace before a meal.

I love the article in HuffPo.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪ ♪

Hey, what is wrong with your phone?

Alex has been calling constantly.

The Washington Post wants to interview you, Joel Osteen wants to take you to dinner, and Richard Dawkins wants to debate you.

Ugh. This situation's getting out of control.

Why don't you just tell everybody you're not crazy religious?

Well, if I do that, then the crazy religious people will hate me.

So then tell them all that you believe in God.

Then I'll lose the atheists.

I'm just gonna tell everyone exactly what happened.

I did pick up this bible, but you know, it's... it's not...

We saw the picture.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not even my bible. It's my wife's bible, and as you know, she's a Shiite Catholic, so of course she would have a bible the size of Rhode Island, right?

Right. Sure.

No. No, here's what I'm getting. Here's what I'm understanding here.

If... and... and tell me if I'm wrong here.

Ah, it seems that you are so concerned that people might think you have faith in something that you are willing to nationally throw your wife under the bus.

That...

W... no, no, no.

I mean, you know, I don't know if that's fair.

No. No, no, no. Are you...

It's...

You're gonna throw a bible at me. it's just...

No, no, no.

Don't.

Don't throw a bible at me.

Jon. Jon, come on.

I mean, it's...

No, especially that bible.

It's bigger than I am.

I know.

It's like a Tempur-Pedic bible.

I understand what you're saying.

Look, I just... you know, I don't have an issue with the bible, or you know... it's just that, like, if I imagine if people see you carrying around an enormous bible, they might get the... I mean, that's why I asked our priest Right. if I could put the bible in, like, a big black garbage bag.

Oh... oh!

A garbage bag?

That's... that's not what I meant.

That's what you said.

But...

I'm a comedian.

That wasn't funny.

And you called me a Shiite Catholic.

You think the Shiites are gonna be mad?

You're more worried about offending the Shiites than your own wife.

Well, there's only one of you. There's, like, a billion of them.

A garbage bag, Jim?

Move your feet!

Wait, are you really mad at me for not wanting to carry an enormous bible around New York City?

Jesus had to carry his own cross.

Not around Manhattan.

Don't even talk to me.

Oh, you know what?

I just...

[cell phone ringing]

Who the hell's calling at...

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Alex.

What?

Wait...

All right.

Okay. Bye.

You're not gonna believe this.

I, ah, lost the water commercial.

Why?

They said I'm too controversial.

They're afraid I'm gonna alienate their customer base.

Customer base? What cu...

They sell... Who doesn't drink water?

Well, they want to go with someone less divisive, and, ah, we've been uninvited to the White House prayer breakfast.

I'm glad you fixed this situation.

Look, I didn't...

[cell phone ringing]

I guess this is them revoking my citizenship.

Yeah.

What national news story?

Trending on Twitter right now, Christian comedian Jim Gaffigan caused quite a stir when he admitted on national television that he was throwing his beloved bible into the garbage.

This can't be happening.

(Man) And in entertainment news, stand-up comedian Jim Gaffigan...

Daddy, stop watching TV.

It turns your brain to mush.

I'm doing research.

Get Daddy another bagel.

(Man) I think it's refreshing to see a comedian who's not afraid of his faith, although what kind of knucklehead would put a holy text in a garbage bag?

Oh, come on.

I always thought that Gaffigan guy was weird.

Locals have been reacting to Jim Gaffigan and his bible.

I used to think he was really funny, but now he's just preaching all the time.

(Man) Food loving comedian, Jim Gaffigan, What, is it every channel? a devout Christian, encountered some significant blowback among online secular groups.

Liz, your thoughts?

Jim Gaffigan's five kids are a repudiation of women's rights.

What?

He treats his wife like a baby machine.

He probably makes her wear a burka at home.

No!

I take that back.

Jim Gaffigan would never do that because Jim Gaffigan probably hates Muslims.

I don't hate Muslims. I love halal food.

I'm tired of celebrities using their fame as a platform to promote their twisted personal agendas.

[woman speaking Spanish]

Embattled comedian Jim Gaffigan appears to be losing even the support of his peers, right, Judy?

Rachel, Jim has always been a bigot.

We all have known it for years.

I mean, he's obsessed with bacon.

That's all he talks about.

You want to know who can't eat bacon?

Jews and Muslims, that's who.

Come on!

Shame on you, Jim Gaffigan.

Wow. Well, that's pretty strong stuff.

Well, Dave Marks, you're Jim Gaffigan's friend.

I mean, is he an anti-Semite?

What?

Well, you know, look, Rachel, I'm a Jew, you know, and Jim has been... he's been tolerant, you know?

But I can't vouch for what the man says or thinks in the privacy of his own home.

That is insane.

I'm gonna be at Banana's in Poughkeepsie this Saturday night, 8:00 and 10th...

What if I told you there was a comedian who carried around a bible?

It might surprise you, right?

Then we find out he is rumored to be involved in a h*m* relationship with New York real estate agent Daniel Benjamin.

What?

The real victim of Jim Gaffigan... the real victim: his wife, Jeannie.

That's...

He's out gallivanting all over town with his lover, mocking the church with blatant adultery.

I feel sorry for her.

I feel sorry for that poor woman.

Don't blame the victim.

Jim Gaffigan? Are you crazy?

I would not buy Jim Gaffigan.

If Jim Gaffigan were a stock, he'd be ENRON!

Just make me laugh, Hot Pocket guy.

Stay out of my civil liberties with your hypocrisy.

Jim Gaffigan, our "Worst Person in the World."

Oh, no.

[groaning] Oh!

Dad, Mommy got you Shake Shack.

Dad?

Mom, I think Dad's dead.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Get up.

You're being ridiculous, and you're worrying the children.

You know, go to a club. Do a set.

You'll feel so much better.

[man singing indistinctly]

♪ ♪

23rd and 7th, please.

Just so you know, I-I never said I had a problem with Muslims.

Even though you're probably Sikh.

I support all religions equally, all races, creeds, colors, transgender, too, not that I'm saying you're transgender.

I mean, I like your turban.

It's very masculine.

You know... you know, I'm gonna get out here.

This is great, you know, you've been really... you know what?

Here, you can just keep the change. I'm... I'm fine. Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

♪ ♪

And our next comedian, ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. I, ah...

Thank you very much.

I was, um, I was talking to my wife tonight about avocados...

(Man) Your wife? Aren't you gay?

And, ah, I was thinking, you know, to save time, I'm gonna start throwing, ah, my avocados out at the grocery store.

(Man) If you're gay, why don't you come out instead of living a lie?

Think about your wife and kids, coward.

I'm not gay. I...

(man) He's not gay.

He hates gays, Muslims, and Jews.

No, no, no, I never said anything about the Jews.

Some people hate gays and Muslims.

No. No.

Shut up!

Let him do his act!

What, is he gonna read from his bible?

What's wrong with the bible?

Please, please.

I... I just... I just want to talk about avocados.

If I could just talk about the avocados, and I never said anything about any of those people.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[Siren wailing]

[Loud bang]

[Crowd chanting]

Get him!

He's too fat to run.

Jeannie?

There he is, the incredibly poorly-groomed one!

What the...?

Hey, hey, hey.

Are we running? You told me there'd be no running.

After him!

Why?

[punk rock music]

♪ ♪

There's that religious freak.

Dave, what are you doing?

I'm with the atheists, man.

Finally, we got something to believe in.

(All) Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

[chanting continues]

[indistinct shouting]

♪ ♪

Jim! Gaffigan!

Let's get this over with. My meter is running.

♪ ♪
♪ ... the water spout ♪
♪ Down came the rain and ♪
♪ washed the spider out ♪

Jim...

♪ Out came the sun and ♪

.. can you pick up the bible?

♪ dried up all the rain ♪

Jim?

♪ and itsy bitsy ♪

Will you pick it up for me?

♪ spider ♪

Um, I don't have time.

Okay, I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Thank God.

What?

Nothing.

Bye.