01x06 - Get Forked

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Significant Mother". Aired: August 2015 to October 2015.
"Significant Mother" is about a guy who starts sleeping with and then continues to date his best friend's, and roommate's, recently separated Mom.
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01x06 - Get Forked

Post by bunniefuu »

It was like a summer camp and a spa, went to town on each other, didn't do the hokey pokey got pregnant and gave birth to this place.

I mean, we did a couple massages in front of campfire...

And a moonlight zip line for two.

You hate laying still for that long.

You hate heights.

Both: Not anymore.

You know, I hate to admit it, but it sounds like you two are actually improving each other.

Yeah, he makes me a better person.

We make a great team.


You know who I make a great team with? Tessie.

Your dad got the Tesla?

Yeah, and my phone works as a key.

I guess this is what his midlife crisis looks like.

Almost as good-looking as yours.

I want to see what Harrison's can do.

No, no, no, no. Hey, Dad trusted me to drive it.

Relax, honey. It's just a car.

But... hey, careful! Careful.

It's not the messiah. It's a car.

You really need to loosen up.

You know what? You need someone to loosen you up.

Yeah, like a girl that will bring out another side of you.

Which is not this side.

[bl*ws on car]

He gets some of his tightness from me.

Well, from the Lydia BJ.

Lydia before Jimmy. Not the...

Okay, okay. Stop. Guys, look.

I appreciate the concern, but I am totally fine.

Now, I need you to put on these protective booties.

You know, when your feet wear protection, your penis doesn't need to because no one's going near it.

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

[bicycle bell rings]

So why don't you want a girlfriend?

I mean, they're the best.

I never said I don't want one.

I just haven't met the right person yet.

Ooh, my spinning instructor's single.

And I don't want to be set up.

Especially by my mom. It's weird.

What about your best friend's girlfriend? That's not weird.

It is when she's my mom.

Okay, fine. I won't set you up.

But at least consider dating someone different than you.

Someone who can help you grow into a better person.

You're my mom. You're supposed to think that I'm perfect the way I am.

As your mom, I do, but as Jimmy's girlfriend, you need to relax, man.

I am relaxed.

You're going under the speed limit in a car that has insane mode.

I'm being responsible.

You're being uptight.

[bluesy bass music]

God, look at that girl. She's totally checking you out.

She wants to race.

Go insane mode. Win the race and her heart.

Jimmy, this is a residential street. It's not safe.

Oh, come on. She's pushing you outside of your comfort zone.

This is exactly what you need.

I like my comfort zone. It's very comfortable.

Then you leave me no choice.

What are you doing?

Insane mode, or I open the puffs.

You wouldn't.

I just did.



Jimmy, put the puff down.

[rock music]

♪ ♪


If you don't do it, I will.


Dude, don't, don't, don't!

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

[tires squealing]

Define uptight.

You just did, buddy.

Okay, Nate's profile is live.

So wait, Get Forked is like Tinder for foodies?

Yeah, I mean, there's a Tinder for everything.

There's even Achin4Bacon.

For women looking for men who look like Kevin Bacon.


What do you think?

Um, no. Too many butt pictures.

Come on, a belfie's a sign of a girl looking for fun.

You can't be Nate's mom on this.

[groans] Okay. You're right.

Poke right.

Mmm? Mmm?

Ooh, left, left. Slide left, left, left.

No, absolutely not.

Okay. Oh.


See? Now you're getting it.


If she's all right, right.

Later gator, left.

Aw, later gator. Oh, my gosh.

I always used to say that to Nate all the time when he was a kid.


But you knew that because you were there.

Let's keep playing!

Good thing there's nothing we can't do together.

I know.

What are you guys doing?


We signed you up for Get Forked. For Get Forked!

A hookup app, really?

Yes. Come on. It's so much fun.

Wait, why is there a picture of me in front of the Tesla?

When did you even take it?

The other day.

I mean, it brings out your eyes in a way that says, "I have a lot of money and a nice car."



No, no, no, no. No.

Get Forked.

Jimmy says that dating in today's digital market isn't about who you are, it's about who you say you are.

And we said you were cool.


And these girls believed it!

You've already got 15 who want to eat you for dinner.

You mean meet me for dinner?

No, eat you. It's a Get Forked thing.

Wow, these girls seem cool. But I don't know.

Oh, come on. Worst case, you go on some bad dates...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Best case, you find someone amazing!

Medium case, loosens you up for the right girl.

When she breaks up with Atticus.

I don't like Sam. But I don't know.

Come on, come on, poke right with us.

Poking right means all right.

You might even partake in some consensual finger sucking.

Okay. Fine. I'll do it.

Yay! We did it!




[upbeat music]

[Sam vocalizing]

Hello, mate.

Hey, boss-man, what are you all spiffed up for?

Going on a date.

And then, like, a bunch more dates after that.

I'm on Get Forked.

Wow, that's great.

You're not overdressed at all.

The fork to my farm is finally getting forked.

Good on ya.

It wasn't really my idea, but my mom and Jimmy think I need what they have to be happy.

At a certain point, it's easier to just agree.

Oh, that's a bummer.

I just wrote this song about you and your secret crush.

My secret crush?

Yeah, Tessie.

♪ You'll never need a key to spark her ignition ♪

♪ She got you beggin' please ♪

♪ And revvin' her engine ♪
♪ Ain't no shame in this ego decision ♪
♪ 'Cause this love's got zero emission ♪


Eh, get it?

'Cause it's...

♪ 'Cause it's electric ♪

Well, you know, here's hoping I find a love with multiple emissions.



Atticus liked it.

Is it weird that all your songs are about Nathaniel?

No, because that's not true.

I'm writing one right now that's about you.

I just haven't finished it yet.

Well, I look forward to opening your gift of music with my ears.

In the meantime, I can think of a couple things you can open.

Not now, Samantha, you've got work to do.

Songs don't write themselves.

[strums guitar]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You must be Nate.


I'm Hannah.

Wow, you look exactly like your profile picture.

Thank you.

I hope you're hungry.

Oh, yeah.

♪ So what you see is what you're gonna get ♪
♪ You say you ain't got the time ♪
♪ To toe along the perfect line ♪
♪ So what I see is what I'm gonna get ♪
♪ Just keep it, keep it groovin' ♪
♪ Keep it, keep it groovin' ♪
♪ Keep it, keep it groovin' ♪
♪ All you got to do is keep it, keep it groovin' ♪
♪ Keep it, keep it groovin' ♪
♪ Keep it, keep it groovin' ♪
♪ One, two, three, hey ♪
♪ ♪

[record scratch]

♪ Doin' all you got to do ♪
♪ All you got to do ♪

Here, the check.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Don't be silly. It's a first date.

I'm not letting you pay.

No, no, no. We're not paying.

♪ Just keep it, keep it groovin' ♪
♪ All you got to do ♪

Can I get another copy of that check?

♪ Keep it groovin', baby ♪


♪ Keep it, keep it groovin' ♪


Hey, buddy! How's your dating?

Oh, not good.

I went out with tons of women who seemed all wrong for me, and it turns out they were all wrong for me.

So stick a fork in me, because I'm done.

No, no, no, wait. Give us one more chance.

You haven't seen Annie.


Scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot.

You got forked without me?

But this was our thing!

Well, you were brewing. I was bored, and...

Wow, you sure you want me to go out with a girl who lists sex as an interest?

At least she didn't list it as an occupation, right?

Look, she's hot, she's different, and she's getting her master's degree.

She looks familiar.

Oh, no. I'm not going out with someone you already slept with.

No, from something else.

Definitely didn't sleep with her.

Not that I wouldn't. I totally would.

If I were you.

But I am me.

And the only person I totally would with is my girlfriend, even if she got forked without me.

Okay, so we are all in agreement that Nate should go out with Annie.

In an hour.

Wait, now?

Whoa, wow, wow.

I'm sorry, it's just she was really pushing to meet me... us... you.

And she's kind of on her way to Ruby Jewel's right now.

I know I should have told you sooner.

Both: Yes, you should have.

Look, if this doesn't work out, I will never set you up again, ever, eh?


Yeah, fine. Deal.

Yay! Yay, we did it again!



[upbeat music]

I'm having a really good time.

Not that I thought I wouldn't, but, well, I kind of thought I wouldn't.

Yeah, I've had a lot of bad dates too.

This is...



So tell me more. Are you close with your parents?


Did I strike a nerve?

No, it's... it's just not really first date fare.

Oh, who cares about dating rules?

Let's live dangerously.

My dad's in jail. Your turn.

My parents are getting divorced.

My mom got remarried to my dad's dad.

Well, my mom's dating my best friend.

They have sex in my house.

Is it weird that weird family stuff turns me on?

[both moaning]

[horn honks]
Do you have protection?

Uh, sort of.

Never mind.

Pick a flavor.

Am I gonna taste it?

What did I do last night?

Ahh, it's funny you should ask.

I had the best sex ever!


In the Tesla.

Did you do it in the frunk or the trunk?

Oh, a gentleman does not kiss and tell.

So I'll tell you everything else we did.


Jimm it felt so good.


She made me feel... electric.


[laughs] I'm so proud of you, buddy!

I mean, it was like she knew every move in the book.

Oh, my gosh. You're up! How did it go last night?

It went very well, Mom.

Very well.

I even told her about you guys, and she didn't freak out.

And we're having dinner at Lincoln tonight, and she said she'd love to meet you both.

Wow, you're really going for it.

I'd love to meet her too.

Okay, then I'll give her a call, and you guys can swing by for a drink.

But one drink.

All right.




Teamwork! [Laughs]

So I remembered why Annie looked so familiar.


[clears throat]

Oh, my God.

I set my baby up with a p*rn star?

She's an amateur.

I have to tell him.

No, no, no. You can't tell him.

If he finds out she does p*rn, he will never see her again, and he's just starting to come out of his shell.

And, remember, we did this so Nate would meet someone different.

She's different.

There is different, and there's p*rn.

Oh, relax, Mom.

Never call me Mom.

Okay. Let this play out naturally.

And I'm sure Annie will tell him in her own time, when it's right.

And if she doesn't, Nate will work it out when she does that.


We are on for tonight.

Just swing by, say hello. It'll be a quickie.

Honey, you know, we have something to tell you...

We are excited about a quickie.

I just want to say that you guys were right, so thank you for pushing me.

I was really uptight, but with AnniAn I'm finally relaxing.

So I'll see you tonight. All right?

Ba-da-pa. Ba-da-pa!

See, I told you.

Oh, my God.


This isn't over.

[gentle guitar strumming]

Oh, sorry.

No, you're fine. You're fine.

Keep your feet up.

Dirty desk, dirty table, who cares?

Okay, are you stoned again?

Stoned on sex.

Or high on sex. I don't really know drug lingo.

But I had the best sex of my life...

In my dad's car.

Wow, I didn't think that was your thing.

Yeah, well, you know.

Old Nate... he would have put down a protective sheet.

But new Nate... Oh, he went with it.



Well, new Sam is writing a song about her feelings for Atticus.


Oh, okay.

It's not ready yet, but, um... [clears throat]

♪ Atticus, oh, Atticus ♪
♪ You make me feel so ♪
♪ Atticus ♪

[claps lightly]

It's not bad.

But who's the song about?

Took me seven hours to write that.

I'm sorry.

Why is it so hard?

That's what Annie said last night.

She was confused why you were hard?

No, just thought maybe now that I was, you know, hooking up in cars...

[chuckles] I could be the kind of guy who makes those kind of jokes.



Just like dating Atticus does not make me the kind of girl who can write songs about her feelings.

Eh, at least I'm trying.

You are. You're trying. We're both growing.

Me? Like, 6 inches...


You know, I regretted that immediately.

Yep, me too.

♪ You make me feel so glad-icus ♪


[upbeat music]

♪ ♪



Oh, hey!

Annie, this is my mom, Lydia.

- Hi.

And this is Jimmy, my best friend/her boyfriend.

A multi-hyphenate. Great to meet you.

Will you join us for dinner?


Oh, yes. We'd love to.

Oh, no, they were j... Oh.

Yes. Oh, yes.


This restaurant is amazing.

You must be so proud.

Yes. It's nice to see Nate's hard, smart, legitimate work pay off.

I love it when my hard work pays off at my job too.

Oh, we don't need to get into that.

Tell us about it.

Well, when things are hard, I just push myself that much more until, boom!

Students with special needs can read because of me.

She's a teacher!

Babe, aren't you so happy we're getting to know Annie?

I'm also a tech geek.

I know more about the Tesla than this guy.


So you would know how to upload amateur videos online.

That's a random thing to ask.

We love amateur videos.

We actually made one ourselves.

No, that was for private use.

Guys... [nervous laughter]

You know, it must have been hard for you to reinvent yourself after your separation.

I admire your courage.

Moving past your past is not easy.

Well, thank you. That was very nice.

I'm trying to reinvent myself too.

But it's tough for people to see that I'm more than just my amateur videos.

Well, I... it's just, I...

I get it, you're looking out for your son.

Who is very confused. What videos?

I have to pee.

I'll let your mom explain everything.

[nervous laughter]

What the hell is going on?

Nothing! It's not a big deal.

It seems like a pretty big deal. Jimmy?

[laughs] It's a funny story, actually.

La-de-da. La-de-da.

Annie does some p*rn.


You set me up with a p*rn star?

She's more of a character actress.

Why didn't you tell me?

She wanted to. I told her not to.

But he was right.

He was right. I...

I didn't give her a chance, and I judged her like a mom.

And she actually seems really nice. I'm sorry.

So nice.


I'm sorry for breaking up our team.

You were being protective and responsible.


I love that about you.

Yes. Thank you for saying that.

We all make mistakes, and...

It was...

You grow, I grow.

I don't even know if it was really a mistake.

I was just waiting... No, you're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Okay?

Are we done with the cheesy apologies? Because p*rn...

She does p*rn!

Oh, it's not a big deal.

Except for her last video, called "It's a Big Deal."

Biggest deal I've ever seen.

I don't bowl because I can't wear shoes that have had too many feet in them.

How many videos has she... No, don't tell me.

No! I need to know. I have to look her up.

Where's my phone? Where's my phone?

No, um...

Where's my...

She stole my phone, and she's stealing dad's Tesla!

Oh, no! No!


And that all happened in the Tesla?



So does this Annie have a last name?

Well, they don't list last names on Get Forked.

It's the dating app where my mom found her.

She sometimes goes by "Annie Hole."

Wow, you stuck your Woody Allen in Annie Hole?

Good for you.

There's nothing good about this.

Relax, kid. You're insured.

I've seen her videos, and a night with her is well worth the cost of admission.

Which is nothing, because you're insured!

You got ofeasy.

Based on those videos, real easy.

I like that cop.

Look, I may be insured, but I still...

[phone ringing] - [gasps]

Oh, my God. It's her!

I mean, it's you! It's her!


Annie? Where the hell are you?

I'm sorry, Nate. I really am.

Apologies don't make up for the fact that you're a p*rn star car thief!

I'm just trying to pay my way through grad school.

You know how I feel about teaching adults with special needs.

I did this for them.

For their reading.

But I really did like you.


In another life, this could have been something.

A little advice, though.

Maybe don't post pictures of yourself in a $150,000 car on the Internet.

Might attract the wrong kind of girl.

[engine roars]

She hung up.


Oh, God.

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.

I never should have gotten involved in your love life.

No, no. It's mine too.

We pushed too hard, and I guess the worst thing that could happen is really bad.

I don't know. Maybe the cop's right.

I did get off easy.

I'm glad that you see it that way, because I just wanted you to keep an open mind and try something different.

Yeah, because it worked out well for you guys. I know.

Now how about we go get me tested?

I've already made an appointment. Come on.

Very good.

Oh, Mom.


Yeah, sure.

♪ You're the one I wanted ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ When all is said and done ♪
♪ It's only you ♪


I thought it would be funnier.


I mean, didn't you want a love song?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, no. It was lovely.

It was lovely. I was just like...

I guess I was looking for something a little more, um...




Well, say no more.

♪ You got me hooting like an owl in heat ♪


♪ You got a pickle bun, and I got to eat ♪

Oh, I love it.

♪ Farm grown ♪


♪ Let's bone ♪

Come here.

A-ooh! [Laughter]
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