02x17 - Young & Trashy

[bunniefuu]

Hey Josh.

We each got you something to kick off the launch of your new app.

Appy-birthday!

Get it? App-y instead of happy?

I thought of it.

Do any of them happen to be a Xanax?

I'm just kidding. No, I'm not.

Good morning!

What's... what's going on?

What's happening?

"What's happening?"

The first new app Josh has released in a year is going live in 30 minutes.

And to distract him from this crucial moment that could make or break his career, the people that love him are giving him presents.

Oh, yeah. I mean I know that's happening.

I meant... you know, what's happening else?

Nothing. What did you get him?

I... I, um...

I got him a... oh no, no... oh no...

Ha ha, almost got me.

It's a surprise.

Guys, you didn't have to get me anything.

Good, because she obviously didn't.

Yes I did. In fact, my gift is so amazing, and personal, and indescribable, I'm going to stop describing it.

Open mine! Open mine!

It's a top of the line bike rack!

Elliot, you combined my two favorite things.

Bikes and racks. Up top!

Well, I have to admit, Elliot, I was afraid that your gift would be better.

But it's not!

Boom.

What is... what is this?

It's a bobblehead.

Of you! I had it made.

Where...

Am I gonna put this bobblehead?

I love it.

Oh...

I'm so mad that my gift isn't here yet.

So you can open it... ah, oh!

Let me check on the tracking.

Yeah... oh no.

There's a stupid snowstorm in the... snowstormy areas.

Oh! Oh look.

It says it's going to be here by late afternoon-ish.

Um... unrelated, can I take an early lunch?

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh baby, ooh baby, baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh baby, ooh baby ♪

Okay. This gift has to be unique, and personal, and less than the $12 we found in the couch.

Ooh!

How about a fedora?

Nah, too Pharrell-y.

All right, so...

Ooh! How about a vest?

Too Elliot-y.

Okie-dokie... ooh!

A turtleneck.

Too mime-y.

Really? Was Steve Jobs a mime?

Maybe.

But wasn't he like a big huge computer guy?

Yes, and this was his signature shirt.

A black mock turtleneck.

You really think Josh is that much of a nerd that he's gonna like a black mock turtleneck just because Steve Jobs wore one?

Eh, probably not...

No no no! It's perfect!

How much is it?

Ah, Fifteen dollars.

Dammit. We don't have enough.

Well, you don't need enough when you got Li'l So So.

Ahem, eight bucks. Take it or leave it.

Leave it.

Come on, chica.

This crappy old shirt isn't worth $15.

There's gotta be something we can do.

Add $7.

That's this many.

Please, Lilly!

Frugal Lilly.

Miss Frugal Lilly.

Um. this is for my boss, and if I don't get him something, I could lose my job.

Okay? And my best friend isn't working right now, so I'm the only one working in the family.

Tell you what sweetheart, three dollars off if you join the mailing list.

Okay.

You're welcome.

Okay, the app's been live for an hour now.

How are the numbers?

I believe the way my chief financial officer put it was, "Oh God! Oh God! Why?"

It's over, Elliot. It failed.

I can see you're upset.

Would you like me to...

Come on!

Oh, shut up.

You shut up.

(Scoffs)

(Laughs in disbelief)

I'm losing it.

Yeah. You are.

Losing your edge. Losing you talent.

You're not relevant anymore.

Enough.

(Josh exhales)

Bobblehead Josh: Loser!

Nope.

(Cackling)

Not easy fitting something so big through such a small hole.

That's what he said.

I come up with a zinger like that and no one's around to hear it.

Huh?!

Huh, phew!

You would think rich people's trash would smell better.

I guess that's why they call 'em stinkin' rich.

Damn, I got to start writing this stuff down.

What the hell?

That's the bobblehead I got for Josh.

That ungrateful son of a...

Hm, good thing I didn't go with the puppy.

(Door opens)

Guess what you got?

An app that's going nowhere?

Guess what else?

The gift arrived that no one believed I got you!

It's here! Open it, open it, open it, open it...

Black turtleneck.

It's the same kind that Steve Jobs wore.

I got it because you remind me of him.

How am I like Steve Jobs?

Steve Jobs was successful.

Uh...

Well you know, he wasn't always.

He had... he had ups and downs, right?

Of course he did.

Yeah. You know, he had success and he had failure.

I mean that's the same thing you just said, but I see where you're going.

Wait a minute.

You got me this turtleneck to remind me that even though Steve Jobs had some occasional disappointments, he went on to take over the entire world of technology.

And maybe I will too.

Yeah. It's like you read my card.

So was I right about the gift?

Yes! And I gave it to him at the perfect time.

Right when his app was failing.

Oh no. His app is fail...

So you want to know the best part?

He loved it. It gave him hope. And isn't that what gift giving is all about?

(Knocking)

Lilly! From Frugal Lilly's!

Great memory, you met me two hours ago.

I need the turtleneck back.

I'm sorry, Lilly, the shirt's not for sale.

Well, make it for sale.

Turns out it belonged to the actual Steve Jobs.

What? Seriously?

Yeah, the maid brought it in accidentally and the family wants it back.

Oh, really?

Well, then Li'l So So better get her galoshes 'cause that family's about to make it rain!

Lilly, listen, my boss is in love with it and he's... he was in a really bad place.

So I'm sorry, but no amount of money could make me take it away from him.

How about $25,000?

We'll have it for you within the hour.

Okay, I'm gonna swap out the mock turtleneck for this mock-mock turtleneck, all right?

You stay down here and make sure Josh doesn't come out of his office. Okay?

And make sure he doesn't come upstairs.

Girl, please.

You think Li'l So So was born yesterday?

The game don't run me, I run the...

Hey, Sof!

Josh!

Turtleneck! Josh turtleneck!

Not just any turtleneck.

This is my lucky turtleneck.

Gabi got this for me and bam!

My app sales have skyrocketed.

This shirt is a winner.

Ah-ha...

Josh!

You're wearing the turtleneck that I got you.

That's why it's not in your bedroom...

I would imagine.

This shirt has changed my life.

Hear that, Gabi?

Isn't that fantastic?

I'm never taking it off.

Never!

Never? I mean Josh, what about, ah... what about when you go to sleep?

No.

Well, what about... what about on Halloween?

I'll go as Steve Jobs.

Dammit.

Well, what about when you go on a bike ride?

Gabi, of course I'm going to take it off if I go on a bike ride. I'm not going to get it sweaty.

You know, you're all wound up.

I think you need to go on a bike ride.

Uh-huh. Sofia, he's tight.

Feel him. He's very tight.

Ooh, ooh...

Ooh, he is tight.

Guys, today is my launch day.

All I want to do is sit at my computer and see how many people download my app while wearing my lucky magic turtleneck.

Mm! Looks like someone loves the gift Gabi got them.

Unlike my bobblehead, which I didn't see in your office.

Oh, well... um, yeah... ah... that's 'cause I moved it.

Oh, thank God.

You know, I was scared that you didn't like it.

My ex Coleman once threw out a gift that I gave him and I... I was crushed. I remember it to this day.

Oh. Yolanda... I'd never throw your gift away.

Good.

So, where is it?

Um... I had a messenger pick it up and they took it to my corporate office downtown so all the people there could see it.

Oh, I am so flattered! You know, I would love to see the people enjoying it. How 'bout we go to your corporate office right now?

Ah, you know, I'd love to but I'm... Going on a bike ride.

Going on a bike ride.

Josh, why did you want me to meet you in here?

Oh, I see. Let me catch up.

Knock it off!

It's cool with Alan, you're one of my free passes.

Elliot! No.

Look, I need you to get Yolanda's gift back.

From the trash.

You threw her gift away?

I had to! That thing was freaking me out.

Who cares why? You like mine better!

Are you going to help me, Elliot?

Absolutely.

I'll push on the little pedal-y thing and you'll reach in and grab it.

No, not this trash.

I threw it down the building's trash chute.

No. I'm not going down there.

I'll give you a thousand dollars.

No, I'm still not going down there.

$2,000.

The higher the amount, the funnier it gets.

Fine. I'll pay for your wedding.

My Hawaiian wedding on a yacht with Celine Dion singing the love song from "Titanic?"

Done!

I'm the queen of the world!

All right guys, see you in a bit.

Uh...

Hmm...

Is, ah...

Is the bike ride really a good idea with the turtleneck wrapped around your waist?

Uh... she's right, Josh. You know, it could get caught in a spoke or blow in the wind.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, it is the windy city, after all.

That's Chicago.

But you guys might be right. I don't want anything to happen to it.

Here. Don't take your eyes off it.

I won't.

You know what? I can't do it.

I need my turtleneck back.

Oh, ooh...

Okay.

Tie it around my neck.

Like a cape.

Didn't think of that one, did you Gabi?

Nope Josh. You've found a way to make turtlenecks even cooler.

Yes.

Yes I did.

We did it! The ol' switcheroo.

Now all we got to do is wait for him to get in the elevator.

$25,000 one...

Both: $25,000 two...

$25,000 three...

Let's go!

Both singing: ♪ $25,000 ♪
♪ $25,000 ♪
♪ $25... ♪ Josh!

Can't go on a bike ride...

...without my bike.

No sir, you cannot.

You go get that bike.

Oh my God, that was so close.

Okay, let's hurry. Let's get to Lilly's.

Where's the shirt?

Um...

Sofia: Nooo!

Okay, I'm just going to say this one more time.

This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Okay, who's dumber? The dummy? Or the dummy that threw the shirt to the dummy?

Okay. Let's just get it and get out of here.

Okay.

Both: Go get it!

Both: Me?

Fine, we'll both go.

Aw!

Ugh!

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew...

Yeah okay, we're not even in there yet, princess.

Ugh-ha, ha!

Ugh!

What if there's a rat in here?

(Gabi and Sofia scream)

What are you two doing here?

Did Josh send you to look for the bobblehead?

Well too bad, it's mine!

We're not looking for a bobblehead. We're looking for...

What? What? Is there something on me?

Both: Yes!

Where? Where is it? Where is it?

On your head...

Ah!

Oh, Elliot found it!

Elliot, thank you for finding the bobblehead.

Okay, now I need you to take it to my downtown office so tomorrow when Yolanda goes...

What do you mean you didn't find it?

I just put it in the cupboard.

Ah!

I'll call you back.

Okay, breathe.

It's a bobblehead.

Logical explanation for all of this.

Did I scare you, baby?

Sorry, I was just taking out the trash.

You know, the place where you throw things out you don't want, like eggshells, dirty paper towels, heartfelt gifts...

Like a one of a kind made-to-order bobblehead?

So you know?

Yes, I know.

I found it in the trash.

Oh, you found it. Thank God.

So you were the one moving it around?

'Course I was.

You don't think it walked over there by itself, did you?

(Laughing)

No.

An-and... and you were the one doing the voice?

No. What voice?

Nothing!

Yolanda, I know I shouldn't have thrown it away but my launch day was making me crazy and staring at my own head just bobbling around judging me, I overreacted.

I guess I understand, Josh.

I mean, it it is a little creepy looking.

The doll, not your head.

Oh.

Nice head.

Seriously, I felt so bad.

I have Elliot in the dumpster right now looking for it.

Oh. Eh-eh...

Gonna tell him to get out.

You really want to make this up to me?

You know I do.

Hold off on that phone call.

Come on, Elliot. Just give us the shirt.

I would, except no.

Something smells funny, and it's not just the wood shavings from that hamster cage that's filling my loafer.

Why would two girls crawl through filth for an ugly polyblend shirt?

Exactly. It's just a worthless shirt.

Oh, so then you won't mind if I use this shirt to wipe up this unidentified sludge that you better hope to God is Greek yogurt.

Both: No, no, no, no!

Elliot, it doesn't matter why we want the shirt.

Okay? Just give it to us!

Here's how this is gonna go down.

You find my bobblehead, I give you this hideous shirt and we all walk out of here winners.

A Pro Wong's take out?

Well, that's the end of our trash, but here's a little something compliments of Miss Finkel and her twelve cats.

Oh!

Whoa!

(Screaming and crying)

Elliot, it's not here!

Keep looking.

Leave no adult diaper unturned.

No, no, no!

Stop it! Stop!

I just thought of another way to do this.

Get him!

Elliot: Ah!

Yolanda!

You're right. That is rude.

Elliot likes cream with his coffee.

I think he's had enough. Throw him a bone.

I did better than that. I threw a whole chicken!

All right.

It's two against one!

How are you so strong?

Do you know how many Barney's warehouse sales I've been to, b*tches?

(Chute rattles)

Incoming!

No!

Oh!

Oh my God! It's the bobblehead!

Here's your shirt, b*tches!

I just took a second shower and I still smell like hot and sour soup.

Third one's the charm.

No, it's not.

We were so close to being rich.

I know. I had big plans for that money.

I was going to pay off my student loans...

...while lying on a beach in Cabo.

Yeah, well we're not going to Cabo. You want to know why?

Because you have terrible, terrible instincts?

No, because we were greedy.

We never should have taken that shirt back from Josh.

Let's make a pact right now to never let ourselves be controlled by greed.

Done.

(Knocking)

Hey ladies, where's the shirt?

Well, it's torn.

Greed ripped it in half.

I'm gonna rip you both in half, give me that shirt.

Wait a minute, this isn't the shirt I sold you.

What?

You think Steve Jobs wore a woman's medium?

What? Oh my God. Oh my God.

That means Elliot must have had a different shirt on his head.

That means the real shirt is still in the... h...

I'm going to Cabo!

Eh, I could get a couple of bucks for this.

Hey Josh, it's laundry day.

Hint hint.

And by hint hint, I mean take off the damn shirt because you stink.

Sorry, Yolanda. Not taking it off.

My app has been crushing it all week.

Please?

I mean, I'll have it back to you in 90 minutes.

Sorry, I'm not taking that risk.

Now please tell Gabi I'm ready for my lunch.

Okay.

Yes!

Whoo!

Maybe she's right.

Gabi!

Josh is ready for his lunch!

Gabi: Be up in a sec!