[electronic dance music]
Dazzle. Come in, Dazzle.
Dazzle: Can't talk, Chrysalis. I'm spinning some filthy beats.
Why is the city sponsoring a children's rave?
If you want a child to rave safely, you've got to let them rave early.
These kids can't tell the difference between kid's ecstasy and real ecstasy.
But they're clearly labeled.
This just seems like a breeding ground for juvenile addicts and criminals.
Take a chill pill, Chrysalis.
And I have 40 varieties of chill pill.
Put your binkies in your mouth 'cause the b*at's about to drop!
[pounding techno music]
1x02 - Lights, Camera, Reenaction
Hey, kid! Stop it.
You can't sh**t me!
Dazzle, come in.
Bike theft in progress in the Southwest alley.
Put your clammy hands together for Moonbeam City's top sky dancer, Odyssey!
[thinking] Cool rave, chill buzz, dirty beats.
The only thing that could ruin this vibe is if I start questioning it.
Uh-oh, I just questioned it.
What if I had a panic att*ck right now?
That could happen. Okay, just breathe, relax.
Oh, God. I need some air!
Society made me this way!
I'm the product of a broken fam... Aah!
I'm not high, I swear. Please don't call the cops.
Arrest him, Dazzle.
You're under arrest for 13 counts of whatever you did.
Mama Mia. That's some spicy justice.
Welcome to Crimezappers.
I'm retired Police Sergeant Vex Mullery.
Join me as I go waist-deep into the seedy underbelly of crime in Moonbeam City.
Shut your damn mouths! Vex Mullery is talking!
It's every family's worst nightmare: getting m*rder.
But here's the story of one family pooch that would be doggoned to see her masters stabbed to death.
July 17th, 10:30 P.M.
The Petersen family doesn't know it, but a desperate stranger lurks.
Luckily, the family mutt Shasta has a bone to pick with this boneheaded k*ller.
[dog snarls] Ow!
Vex: In the end, the dogged tenacity of this mangy b*tch saved the day.
We could learn a lot from Shasta.
You're doggone right we could.
Ah! Vex Mullery! Crimezappers is my favorite show!
Didn't you ever get my fan letters or the death threats after you didn't respond to my fan letters?
Thank you, son, but I'm not here for you.
I'm here for him.
Would you let us reenact the bust of that bicycle-thieving punk for our program?
Oh, that was nothing. We're all heroes when you think about it.
But yes, my answer's yes, and yes, I will gladly serve as your on-set technical consultant, yes.
Or you don't have to come at all.
No, I insist. Just send a car for me.
I was involved in the arrest too.
Yeah, that's cute, Legs, but it's Dazzle we want.
Vex: Must bring the memories of that day flooding back.
Bet it makes you feel like a star instead of some jerk.
I'm just curious.
Why are we not opening with a helicopter sh*t?
You kidding me? Our entire budget is $400.
I'll tell you what. Let's just try one!
Okay! And "zaption"!
Freeze, punk. You're under arrest.
Great job, crew! Once again, we nailed that reenactment perfectly on the first take.
Let's take a group photo and all go home.
Hey, Dazzle, nice to meet you. My name's Matt.
Oh, it was a real rush to play you, pal.
Holy gosh, we're like a couple of twins here.
[camera shutter clicks]
Ah! My average looks!
You will rue the day you thought you could play me, Dazzle Novak. I'm gonna have to re-sh**t this myself.
So why should the police department finance your narcissistic vanity project?
Think of the kids.
Will they learn anything from another cheap Crimezappers reenactment?
But the mythic struggle between darkness and light as rendered through Dazzle Novak's epic vision?
That kind of thing could change lives.
Side note: I think we could make a d*ck-load of cash merchandising this thing.
I mocked up these action figures in my workshop last night.
[humming] So you see?
Well, juvenile delinquency has been on the rise every year since those damned mandatory children's raves began.
You got yourself a "go" picture, but if you screw this up, you'll work in this town again... in a worse job.
Dazzle: Get out!
And may your ugly bloodline die with you.
Says here, "Brunk Whitmore"?
Hello, I'm, uh, uh, Brunk Whitmore for the role of Dazzle.
Okay, Brunk, where else have you acted?
Uh, you know, theater plays you haven't seen, uh, uh, Shakespeare and the like.
Oh! Shakespeare. What roles... specifically?
Uh, you know, the... the knight who grips the sword, and the prince who eats, uh, poison, and, uh, the duke.
Rad, we know it's you.
Rad Cunningham, the kid who doesn't wipe properly at the slumber party of life.
Please let me be a part of Crimezappers!
I'm begging you!
If you wanted to be involved, you should have just asked.
Can I be involved?
What do I have to do to get on Crimezappers?
Zap an actual crime or something?
man: Yo, give me the cash!
Faster! No heroes!
Not getting involved with that.
Wait a second.
[hard rock music]
Okay, cut all the acting that is happening for a moment and the machines from recording anything here now.
Damn it! We injured another Dazzle.
New Dazzle to set.
Dazzle, for God's sakes, we've got to wrap soon.
This crew is on quintuple-platinum overtime.
But it's worth every penny to capture Odyssey's scene-stealing performance as Chrysalis.
Thanks, Dazzle. You know what I love about my character is she is a total badass.
I trust this production is swimming along swimmingly?
As you can see, we're staying on schedule and the crew is jazzed to be here.
What in God's name are you riding?
It's a camera rig I designed. Novak-cam.
It allows me to sh**t all the action from a constantly circling and blurry point of view.
man: And cue pyro!
Uh-oh, this kid is only 12, and he's been working for 26 hours straight, and he's hurt real bad!
I want someone to get this d*ad child off my set immediately.
Thank you. Big smiles, everyone.
Why aren't we sh**ting?
That's it, Dazzle, I'm done!
You can find someone else to follow you into the depths of hell because I won't.
I should have known this was all just a very expensive way for you to stare at your own d*ck in the mirror!
No one tells Dazzle Novak when to finish, except the thick-calved woman Dazzle Novak sometimes hires to do that.
I'm finishing this reenactment without your help.
Ha! Good luck finding anyone stupid enough to give you the money.
They call me Mr. Stupid Enough.
[pounding techno music]
Hey, Dazzle Novak! Me very good friend!
Ahh, yes, Zephyr Agamemnonianon.
Shall we do the customary double kiss of friendship?
Oh, and allow me to give you the five gentle pecks of chummy accord! Mwah, mwah, mwah.
And of course the groin knee of camaraderie.
Ooh! [laughs] You've been practicing, Dazzle!
Come, dine with me.
Your vestibule is breathtaking.
The movie biz is treating you well.
None of these movies made money.
I made my real fortune during the w*r. It's true what they say.
The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets.
So I just need $30 million.
Hmm. I'd finance your production if maybe you sh*t in the desert of Krakmoonistan.
It's very w*r-torn, but very beautiful.
You got it. We'll sh**t in Krakmoonistan.
So the money happens when?
[gasps] And you know who should play the part of you, Dazzle?
My son-in-law Hudson. Hudson! Come!
Don't call me that.
You see? He's tall like big glass of Clamato.
Hmm, well, I always imagined Dazzle as not a distractingly giant type.
But this boy has strong back, calcified forehead, and bushy beard just like movie star!
Okay, okay, okay, whatever. You can be Dazzle.
Okay! You real director!
To art without compromise!
Hudson as Dazzle: Sorry it had to be this way.
Also, you should know I'm your father.
Daddy, forgive me stealing bike.
Keep going! It's just locusts!
Should we chase after the set?
No. The desert is now our set.
[intense electronic music]
Dazzle: All right, Hudson!
When we cut the wheel loose, you run like hell... because it will crush you!
Why is it so big?
It's forced perspective. It's gonna look normal size on camera.
Now, crew, this goes without saying, but please do not fight the rebels during the take.
I know you're in a violent struggle for your homeland, but I need your hustle, okay?
Lights, camera, actualize the events from the script!
Oh, no! Money!
I mean, Zephyr, I didn't mean to crush you.
No feelings of hardness, my friend.
Your reenactment is only work of value I ever produce.
Promise me two things. [coughs]
You will finish this reenactment, and you will bring Zephyr back to life!
Unless they discover a cure for crushed body, I can only promise the first.
There's blood in the streets. Don't forget to buy.
All right, let's clear this corpse and go right away.
Big smiles. Why aren't we sh**ting?
Zephyr is d*ad!
The cruelest among us will now fill the power vacuum!
Stop sh**ting each other! Save your a*mo for the rebels!
[helicopter blades whirring]
Hudson! Jump on the Novak-cam!
Ho! To freedom!
Dazzle, your back... and your front are both so fat.
Ma'am, I need you to stay clear of Mr. Novak's eye-contact zone.
Attention! Thank you.
We are seconds away from a television event that will change everything.
But first, let's take a quiet moment to mourn the 16 crew members and 2 editors who d*ed during our production.
May their ghosts haunt this reenactment... but in a good way, like people watch it again to see if they can see the ghosts.
And to their widows, I say, drop your frivolous lawsuit, you vicious enemies of art!
Show's about to start.
Show's about to start. Shh!
Quiet down, quiet down.
They always appear glamorous in the movies, but gear up for a wheelie exciting story of one thief who couldn't handlebar the tire pressure of Moonbeam City heat.
Hudson as Dazzle: What price justice?
Yes, struck down a thief, but what does it mean to thieve?
To understand, we must travel back to the "oro-gins" of man.
We're going into flashback. Everybody put your 3-D glasses on.
Okay, we're back to the present, take them off.
Okay, put 'em on! Okay, take 'em off.
All right, back to the present, so take 'em off.
Okay, dream sequence! Dream sequence!
Off and on! Off and on! Off and on! Off and on!
Hudson as Dazzle: The nation of Krakmoonistan has much to offer to the West in exchange for arms to purge the rebel scum.
What the hell was that?
Uh, Dazzle, that was... ambitious.
Well, they cut out all the full-frontal nudity for TV.
Whatever. The director's cut is the real version.
Whatever. Is what it is.
Whatev... I'm tired of talking about this.
The director's cut's better.
Next up, a story of a heroic cop, Rad Cunningham, who zapped back the streets in the name of justice, when Crimezappers returns.
Rad Cunningham on Crimezappers?
Oh, you heard right! Reenacted and it feels so good!
Stick around, everyone!
I made my own segment of Crimezappers!
And you'll see it after the break!
[softer] After the break.
[whispers] After the break.
Now that we're back from the break, it's time to watch my reenactment.
Rad, I think, uh, I speak for everyone when I say we are reenacted out.
- Sit down!
Sit down, assh*le!
Vex: April 5th, 10:00 P.M.
These candy kids raid a liquor store like it's a candy store, but they have no idea what's in store for them.
♪ Listen up, punk, let me tell you what's up ♪
♪ You're gonna eat crap and that's what's up ♪
♪ You may think that stealing is cool ♪
♪ But it's not as cool as ku-u-ung fuuuuu-woo ♪
That was great!
He sings too.
I produced the track myself.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually liked it.
Couldn't have done it without my producer de extraordinary.
Pizzaz? You... produced this? Why?
Rad stays under budget, Rad does what he's told, and Rad plays ball, kid.
Can't you tell the difference between Rad's slick-slacky hackery and my real art?
More like real fart [laughter] And he's funny too!
Rad: Keep it single file, people!
Hi, thanks for coming out. What's your name?
Sure, I'll sign your d*ck.
Long time no see, Cinnamon.
You saw me yesterday, and my name's Chrysalis.
Right. Want a beer? I don't drink them.
I just like opening them.
I figured you'd go downhill at some point, but not quite this fast. Why are you giving up on life?
To quote the poet, "What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a California raisin'? Or does it swell up until it goes explodo-kaboom?"
You can't die of self pity just because Rad is slightly more appreciated this week.
Come back to work. The force needs you.
I don't fight crime anymore.
I fight my shame... with food.
Are you sure that's not a size 6? Because I'm definitely a 7.
It is a size 7.
Maybe it's labeled wrong?
Maybe you just have huge [bleep] feet, lady.
[laughs] Dazzle! Is that you, old sport?
I've seen you on the TV.
Rad, you're a total badass rock star.
You're a badass, babe.
Now how about you put some kicks on these famous feet?
This is a ladies' shoe store.
That doesn't matter!
I want you to put a pump on my foot!
You heard the hero! Put a pump on his foot!
Oh, yeah, slip it on there good.
Put that ladies' pump on my dirty, dirty foot!
Now I kick-a you!
Kicking you with my sensible pump!
How does that feel? [grunts]
Oops! Did it again!
[grunts] Guess it wasn't an accident!
[grunts] Get him.
Kick him in his teeth.
[grunts] Please stop.
man: Come on, man, give me the cash! Faster!
Okay, okay, don't sh**t. Don't sh**t.
Don't move, fatso!
You do not want to mess with me when I am buying salty snacks.
Those ravers have robbed this store six times, and you're the first person who's stopped them.
But didn't Rad Cunningham bust them last time?
Rad Cunningham? Oh, that jerk?
His story was a crock of stew. Here's what really happened.
Rad comes into the store and the kids...
[trails off indistinctly]
Ouch! Friday night!
Time to watch Crimezappers with the old g*ng.
Dazzle, I'm glad you're back.
Let's skip Crimezappers tonight.
Let's, uh, play a board game instead.
[laughs] Uh, Berry-chomping Rhinos?
Vex: A special edition of Crimezappers.
Last week, we brought you the heroic story of Officer Rad Cunningham, but now it appears we've been had by a cunning scam.
What actually happened that day in the liquor store, Rad?
Exactly what I told you. You saw my reenactment.
[chuckles] Why would I lie?
Uh, guys, pick your pieces! These rhinos are some very hungry dudes.
What would you say if we had security camera footage from the incident?
I'd say... I lied!
[sobbing] I tried to stop the punks, but I got scared and I ran away, and then tripped on the rack of sunglasses, and all the sunglasses fell on me!
I got up and ran into the street but I couldn't see, so I fell down an open manhole!
How is there footage of this part?!
I tried to climb out of the sewer, but there was so much poop in there!
And I was so scared, I pooped in the poop!
And I couldn't tell which poop was mine and which poop was already in there!
And then I thought, "Well, there's not really a difference."
And some of it got in my mouth! And I kind of liked it!
I liked poop in my mouth! What's wrong with me?
So I guess I will just, uh, pack up the...
Berry-chomping Rhinos game myself. I had fun.
Crimezappers is truly sorry for this debacle.
So much so that we're taking ourselves off the air.
This is our final show, and Rad Cunningham shall ever be known as the man who k*lled this program.
In a final hara-kiri-like gesture of self-destruction, we leave you with Dazzle Novak's uncut opus.
All 258 minutes of graphic nudity fully restored.
Well, Dazzle, you were right. This version is better.
[electronic dance music]
Give it up for the host with the most, the original Crimezapper, Vex Mullery!
We'll miss you, Vex!
Vex: Carry on my legacy, children! To the sky!
I did not authorize this rave!
I'm feeling a very harsh energy from you, Pizzaz.
Give me a hug, girl!
What the hell is wrong with her?
Stay back or I will gouge out those dilated eyes!
Hey, Chrysalis is just candy flipping, man.
She's amping hardcore, but no worries. It's a chill roll.
Hudson, quit train-spotting and take the wheel.
Got it, Mr. Novak! My name's DJ Hudson!
Time to have some fun-son!
[grunts] I did it! I did it!
I kicked the poo guy! I kicked the poo guy!
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01x02 - Lights, Camera, Reenaction
Episode transcripts for the TV show "Moonbeam City". Aired: September 2015 to December 2015.
"Moonbeam City" follows the exploits of an idiotic detective, of "Moonbeam City PD", who commits more crimes than the criminals he tries to lock up.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1