02x06 - The Dagger

[bunniefuu]

Reggie: Da Chen Bao is Nike in China.

Going with Da Chen Bao, it sets this family up so that one day we will have old money.

Who's the new talent?

That's my mother.

You have such power in your arms.

Like a much more attractive Manny Pacquiao.

Very much completely at your service.

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

On the game-winner, what were you thinking when it left your hand?

I'm pretty sure it was, "Please, Jesus, let this go in."

So Jesus gets the credit?

No. If you thank Jesus for the wins, you gotta blame Jesus for the losses.

Jesus doesn't want me breaking a buzzer-beater and pointing up to him all, "That's on you, dude."

You're saying Jesus deserves better?

I tell all the complainers around the league, "Jesus d*ed for your sins, not your wins."

Cam, nine for 12 beyond the arc...

Sorry, gotta ice the knees, folks.

Seven dimes, three steals...

Okay. That guy blows me off every night.

If you could tell me why, I'd appreciate it.

I'm sorry. What?

♪

Hey, Todd, is this turkey bacon or pig bacon?

Turkey bacon, ma'am. Enjoy.

You know, out of the wrong mouth, "enjoy" kind of mean "f*ck off."

Ma, his name is Ted, not Todd.

Huh?

You called him Todd.

Todd got fired. That new butler's Ted.

I still can't tell the difference.

Turkey bacon's the one that tastes like a waste of time.

Not the difference of bacons, the difference of butlers.

White men of a certain age with no hair all look identical.

Completely identical. Like identically identical.

Ain't no difference.

Each butler we hire is just like the one we fire.

Pasty, resentful f*ck. He's secretly waiting to take us out.

[laughs]

Hey, look at this.

You're actually dressed and ready to go where we're going. Thank you.

Chill. We ain't gotta be at the launch of my new sneaker till 7:00.

I'm not talking about the sneaker launch thing.

I'm talking about your lunch date with the new b*at reporter Isa Catalano.

Don't act like you haven't seen the texts.

Oh, no, no, that's my fault, Reg.

I told Cam to limit his phone use or Wi-Fi will k*ll his sperm.

I want grandkids.

I'll give you grandkids, Ma.

Aw, you don't have to take the d*ck just 'cause I want grandkids. That's sweet, though.

There's other ways to get pregnant besides taking the d*ck.

That "levitro" sh*t is expensive.

We got money now.

And we ain't gonna keep it if we start spending it on in vitro, so just close your eyes and think of the d*ck as a big clit and start investing your money in a college fund.

Just 'cause you got a new p*ssy, don't be telling people to take the d*ck.

Leave my p*ssy out of this.

Reg, I ain't going to lunch with some random.

Oh, she ain't no random. She's a big name.

And her game story didn't mention you, so I called, and she said you been throwing her shade.

There's 30 reporters in that room.

And for 29 of 'em, you'll act like you dancing for tips.

Fastest road to ruin is alienating a b*at reporter.

Yeah, second fastest is turkey bacon.

Look, Cam, put some pants on.

Let's make this right. Please.

When have I ever steered you wrong?

[all shouting]

Nipsey Hussle over here?

You tried to make me do golf that one time.

You used to tell me that I was straight.

The butler.

Backstreet Boys.

f*ck all y'all all day long.

Cam, Burnside, 1:00, man.

Be an adult. Give this woman her time.

♪

I've never had this problem before, and I've been a reporter since you were an ugly baby.

Ma'am, I came here to apologize.

It's pretty simple.

I cover the team and you were raised in a Pleistocene cave and still think women have no business in the locker room.

I'm not like that.

Then prove it, caveman.

Take your hairy knuckles off the floor and explain yourself.

Ooh, look. The secret of fire.

I would rather not explain myself, ma'am.

Call me ma'am one more time, and I'll hit you harder than your sister did.

My name is Isa.

I know your name.

I can't... look, okay.

I am... and this is gonna sound so stupid.

I am extremely uncomfortable around you.

Because I call you on your sh*t, which I bet nobody ever does.

People do, and that's not what I mean.

Uncomfortable as in, like, flustered. Flushed, you know?

"Hot and bothered" is what I believe your generation says.

But I'm embarrassed by it.

I mean, I do feel like a caveman talking about it, but I'm sorry.

That's just... that's the deal.

Bullshit.

It's not.

It's not enough that you can't treat me like a professional.

You gotta add insult to injury like some frat boy with this misogynistic bullshit.

I'm telling you the truth.

Liar.

[sighs] Okay, then.

That's right, you make me as hard as cement.

And I can't stop it, okay?

I thought about w*r, dead babies, country music.

Dead babies at w*r playing country music. Nothing works.

The other lady reporters, some of them are hot, but I can deal.

But you go right past my brain to my anatomy, and it is freaking me out.

I mean, I'm this hard right now and I'm yelling at you.

I'm sorry, but I can't blast wood in the locker room.

I'll never hear the end of it.

This is the biggest that my d*ck has ever been.

Is now a good time to say we're off the record?

Sit down. Please.

[sighs]

First, may I say you've certainly been drinking your protein shakes.

[laughs]

And second, since you've been honest, I will be, too.

I have the same reaction to you.

Okay, now who's playing?

I come clean with you, I humiliate myself, and this is all just some joke to you?

Is that... did you spill something?

Yes. Myself.

I mean, some of it is probably from the water bottle sitting in between my legs.

Con... condensation. But the rest of it's me.

I didn't know women work that way.

I don't speak for other women, just myself.

Probably shouldn't have worn chinos today, because the state of your arousal is impacting me a little bit more than usual.

Holy sh*t.

Stop congratulating yourself.

Okay.

Our bodies are sending us messages and it's perfectly healthy.

I mean, apart from the staggering embarrassment.

But we both have jobs to do here.

So now we have two choices... one, stay out of each other's way in the locker room and do all our interviews over the phone, or two, we get this out of our systems.

How do we do that?

We find a private space and let our evolutionary hard wiring take over.

[softly] Like, we have sex?

Jesus, it is a good thing we're physically compatible, because intellectually, this is a disaster.

You would... you would sleep with me?

Like that... that's on the menu?

Think of it more as an exorcism.

When?

I got 45 minutes before my podcast.

♪

Okay.

[whispers] God damn.

[both breathing heavily]

[Cam grunting]

[both moaning]

[sighs] All right.

Very good.

So would you say last night was your finest game in an Atlanta uniform?

[sighs] We're really gelling as a team.

I think that's all that matters.

People say you don't care about defense.

Is that true?

Wait a minute.

I don't think the exorcism worked.

Jesus.

Don't you have a refractory period?

I don't... I don't know what that is.

Never mind.

Okay.

♪

[both breathing heavily]

♪

[camera clicking]

[camera clicks]

[laughing]

It's your night. It's your night, baby.

M-Chuck: What kind of name is "Bee-show"?

It's Chinese for "the dagger."

Why they have to give it a Chinese name?

'Cause they selling it in China.

Well, why the f*ck we didn't have a party in China?

Hey, calm down, Uncle J. They got hors d'oeuvres and the women are hot.

Well, you know, I'm kinda confused about Asian women.

I don't know if they submissive or just bored.

Plus I heard they straight.

M-Chuck: Not all of 'em.

I ain't talking about the woman.

I'm talking about the hair. The hair underneath.

I got it, I got it.

And so the Chinese dagger takes its place alongside numberless other violent sports metaphors... b*mb, gunned down, blitz.

Do you know what the blitz was?

267 nights of bombs dropped on the English.

They got all the dentists.

I mean, what are we saying, hmm?

That there's a barbarian inside all of us looking for some sneaky little way to come out?

Exactly.

Hey!

Inside of everyone lurks the desire to k*ll, but m*rder is impractical.

So instead we play basketball.

Hello, Chen.

Welcome, my American boots on the ground.

Yo, man, I just gotta say this is a really dope sneaker release. Thank you.

Yeah, thanks for not charging us extra for that duck sauce.

Everything is complimentary.

Hell, yeah. What about the hoes?

We call them consorts, and what they choose to do is their business.

Please, eat, drink, mingle, and affect an air of world-b*ating nonchalance.

Cam, I'll meet you on the black and gold carpet, where together we will be mauled by photographers.

Arigato.

That's actually Japanese.

Julius: Oh, yeah.

Oh, Reggie, please linger with me.

Yeah?

M-Chuck: How do you retain a fact like that 267-night thing?

Impressive, but weird.

Like Asian women.

Straight. Straight.

[laughing]

I see everyone here but the fire of my loins.

I'm sorry. Who?

The queen of my fantasies, the song of my south.

Your aunt, you idiot.

Oh. Oh!

I didn't realize that you two had gotten to that point.

Neither has she, but I believe she is my other.

Since I laid eyes on her, I'm like a boy again in Jiangsu province, hearing for the first time the Kangding Love Song.

[singing in Chinese]

Oh, forgive me. I'm just so moved by her.

Yeah, no, my aunt, she's coming in a separate car.

Did she tell you we've been texting?

We don't really discuss, like, who's texting...

It is amazing how seductive the right woman can be using only phonetic sentence fragments and emojis, helped by the new iPhone update to include more races.

Listen, Chen, I...

Cassie makes me smiley face.

And she liked the flowers I sent her when she was in the hospital.

She felt like Faith when Biggie d*ed.

But you should know that she has a boyfriend now.

Good. I'm pleased that other men are drawn to her.

It heightens the challenge.

No longer a challenge is what I'm saying.

At this point, more of a no-fly zone.

No such thing.

Unless we're discussing the East China Sea.

Chen: Is this him?

Reggie: Yep.

Oh, a kind face. Nurturing and respectful.

He truly cares for her.

Yes, he does.

He stands no chance. Cassie!

Blair Thompson, Da Chen Bao.

May I offer you both champagne?

What kind do you have? We only drink the best.

I have the best.

Whoo!

Reggie will squire you to the bar.

Let's all put in a firm base layer of alcohol, hmm?

[hip-hop music playing]

You have never looked more beautiful.

Mmm, easy there, crouching tiger.

You're talking to a lady that's in a relationship now.

The plus-one? And yet you did not introduce him as your boyfriend.

I was being discreet.

You were keeping your options open, which means you do not love him.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's much too early for that.

At our age, one knows quickly, because one hasn't time to waste.

Our age? How the f*ck old are you, you presumptuous f*ck?

37. Oh. Okay, then.

For the best women, age brings power.

Well, Chen, don't you want me to be happy?

More than anything. But I want it to be with me.

Chen, you live in Shanghai.

Fortunately, I have mastered the miracle of flight, unlike many of the national airlines of my region.

Well, I need a man that's gonna be with me, not some ghost who comes and goes.

Nothing's off the table, Cassie.

Really?

Consider my sedge hat still firmly in the ring.

[laughs] Chen, Chen, Chen.

I don't know what the f*ck a sedge hat is, but thanks.

Ooh, can you get me a chicken satay?

I will get you a chicken satay factory.

♪

[breathing heavily]

How am I supposed to get this out of my system when I don't want to get out of your system?

It was just a theory.

[both laugh]

[camera clicking]

[clicking continues]

Chen has an undeniable charm.

Reggie: It's a simple request, Auntie.

Please don't sh*t where you eat.

It's a stupid rule.

Don't sh*t where you eat. Don't sh*t where you sleep.

Pretty soon the whole world's gonna be constipated and alone.

And what happens when it ends?

Who says it will?

Any casual observer of your dating record.

Which leaves us with a pissed-off Chinese billionaire who owns half the paper on our lives.

What's that mean? Half the paper? Half what paper?

The money. The future, etcetera.

Oh.

Well, maybe it'd be him that dumps me.

Maybe, but it's my job to look at the worst case, and in this case, the worst case is a very bad case.

Cassie, you have to be careful with those rich men.

They will wow you and wow you, and you are so busy being wowed that you can't even tell if you actually like them.

That's true.

f*ck you know? You a lesbian.

Rich lesbians the same.

Cleopatra, Eleanor Roosevelt, Kate Middleton.

Princess Kate ain't gay.

I know she got kids, but let's be honest.

No breeder wears that many blazers.

[Clicks tongue]

And what happens to trusty Blair?

Everybody knows nice guys finish last.

Unless they have huge dicks.

No, if they have huge dicks, they finish last with a huge d*ck.

Well, at least they can feel better about themselves.

Actually, if they have huge dicks, sometimes the d*ck part finishes first even when the rest of 'em finishes last.

Can we stay on message, please?

It's like when I met you, baby.

The sun comes out, and it's all you care to see.

I feel like Audrey Hepburn in that Roman Holiday... unable to reach for happiness because it would put her entire kingdom at risk.

We need another guy in this conversation.

Where's Tim at?

Todd.

Ted.

Ah, sh*t.

Who the f*ck is Audrey Hepburn?

One of the first actresses I ever saw on bootleg.

♪

I'm not sure that the pictures were necessary.

I take my Easy Rawlins responsibilities serious.

Besides, the girl was hot.

I'ma take 'em for my personal archives.

No. No, delete 'em.

Now we gotta take 'em off the f*ckin' Cloud now, too.

Deleting 'em is taking 'em off the Cloud.

Nah, deleting 'em don't do sh*t to the Cloud.

Things in the Cloud live forever.

The Cloud ain't really a cloud.

It's a server in Douglas County with a 23-year-old bath salt addict standing next to it with Deadspin on speed dial.

Jesus, this whole family, they can't wait to sh*t where they eat.

I admit, I have farted in the kitchen, but that's where it ends.

Reg, in the boy's defense, I've seen a lot of people f*ck in my life.

I seen short people f*ckin', fat people f*ckin', midgets f*ckin', crippled, blind, crazy, all of 'em f*ckin'.

I seen a lot of people f*ckin'.

I even seen myself f*ckin' once or twice in the mirror.

I put mirrors on the ceiling so I could see myself f*ckin'.

And the thing about f*ckin' is...

Can you please get to the end of this paragraph?

Oh, yeah. Cam and that woman, there's something crazy going on between them.

I mean, they was f*ckin' like the law was coming.

No, I get it. I get it, Uncle Julius.

I mean, you have to let it take its course, [sighs] like the affliction it is.

Mm.

You dig?

Yeah, I dig.

I love it, boy.

♪

[laughing]

Come on!

[Groans]

We should put some mile markers back here.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

[phone rings]

You looking for an interview?

We need to talk.

You all right?

I'll tell you when I see you.

Okay. Uh, lunch spot. 20 minutes.

Okay.

[phone beeps]

That would be the unmistakable sound of the other shoe dropping.

How many times I gotta tell you there are no free lunches?

[door opens]

You know about us?

Uncle Julius saw you in the garage.

You had my own uncle tail me?

Would you rather it be some outside guy that would extort me for pictures like Ted?

Tim.

sh*t.

And I would rather you let me live my life.

Yeah, but you see what happens when I do?

7 billion people in the world, 6.9 billion of 'em would f*ck you, and you choose a reporter.

You might as well stand in the middle of Peachtree Street and set your career on fire.

I tried to stay away from her, but you made me go.

You're Judas.

As a matter of fact, you're worse than Judas.

[stutters] You're Judas's pimp.

That doesn't even make sense.

And, Cam, why didn't you just tell me the truth?

It's embarrassing, man.

I feel like a f*cking teenager.

Well, you a teenage baby daddy now.

You think that's what it is?

You didn't wrap up, did you?

Yeah, they got a dispenser at Burnside's.

You should always have one on you, and another one on you.

In fact, you should have a separate wallet for condoms.

Man, she can't be pregnant. She's, like, Mom's age.

It's the 21st century, okay?

They got women in France having babies in nursing homes.

And the older they are, the more dangerous it is.

They have slow babies. Down syndrome babies.

Ain't that the same thing?

No, one's about the chromosome, the other one's just born stupid.

Look, rule number one, don't f*ck anybody you don't want the whole world knowing about.

Are you done banging on me about sh*t already happened?

What you gonna do?

The right thing.

[scoffs] Now?

Well, where you taking me?

You will see.

I shouldn't have come.

You came because you wanted to.

That don't mean I should've.

Here we are.

m*therf*cker, you bought me a chopper?

No. Although I will if that's what it takes.

But first I thought we could start with dinner.

In Paris, France.

A helicopter could go all the way to Paris, France?

No, it would plunge into the Atlantic, but it can go to the airport where my jet will take us to Paris, France, where together we will dine at the Plaza Athénée.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Slow down, lowdown, okay?

Let a little steam out of the soup dumpling.

[sighs]

Chen, we... we need to talk.

In China, when a woman says "we need to talk," it always bodes ill.

Ah, it's every f*ckin' country.

Chen, what I'm trying to say is that we have ties that bind.

And as much as I would love to reach out to you and see where this leads... damn, this is nice.

I mean, what if it doesn't work out?

I mean, could you imagine how much trouble that'll cause for everybody?

Imagine the best, not the worst, Cassie.

Take a leap of faith.

Yeah, well, most leaps of faith end up on the sidewalk.

[sighs]

Chen, I think it's best that we don't sh*t where we eat.

I've never enjoyed that metaphor.

It puts defecation on the same plane as the search for love.

I agree. No one should yield to simple lust in one's home or place of business.

Now that is sh1tting where you eat.

I would never do that.

But when love is possible, its pursuit must not be equated to solid waste sliding out of the rectum.

Love is grander than that.

How are we meant to find those we might truly care for?

On social media? So artificial.

Is it not wiser to trust honest, organic exposures?

To friends, to business partners, to their stunning mothers.

All right, so what you're saying is when there could be love, we have a moral obligation to take a sh*t?

To give a sh*t.

Give us one date.

A few hours in each other's company to speak as adults and assess the possibilities.

After that, if you still feel the same, I will demur.

You will de-what?

Step aside.

One date.

And not in Paris, France.

'Cause I've seen that Liam Neeson Taken, and I don't go for that bullshit.

I wanna judge based on substance, not style, so it'd have to be somewhere here in town at the least fanciest place that we can find.

So you either take that sh*t or you leave it.

Even a greasy spoon is Alain Ducasse if I... am with you.

You say weird sh*t... but I like it.

♪

There's no good way to say this.

I'm prepared to take care of the kid.

Ha. Okay, first of all, I wouldn't know this fast, and second, pregnant?

Are you kidding me? I'm 47 years old.

Wikipedia says 41.

Yes, I know. I wrote it.

Man, you're even hotter than I thought.

Where does your generation learn how to talk to women?

Never mind. I'm sorry.

You're not pregnant. That's good news.

I have HPV.

Which means you might have it, too.

I don't know what HPV is.

Seriously?

I mean, doesn't sound like something that I want.

I'm pretty sure things named with three letters aren't good.

Any chance it stands for "happy perfect vag"?

How is someone in your position not better informed about health matters?

I mean, I don't know about brain surgery either.

You're not sticking your brain in someone else.

HPV is a sexually transmitted virus.

So HPV is like HIV for the p*ssy?

No, it is not HIV for the...

[softly] It's an STD.

Some strains cause cancer.

I'm gonna get d*ck cancer?

But this one is just the nuisance kind.

How did you get this nuisance?

80% of the population actually has it in one form or another.

You f*cked 80% of the population?

I have been with three people in three years.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't know I had it.

I'm not an avid reader of my vag*na, but this morning at my checkup, my doctor saw something.

Um, I don't know what to say.

Thank you for telling me.

Every animal has its natural enemies.

For man, once it was woolly mammoths, then it was Germans, now it's viruses.

So me getting this is just God thinning out the herd?

[softly] At least I'm not a daddy.

Thank you. [Giggles]

Thank you.

[waitress coughing]

[coughing continues]

Ahem.

♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Girl, I'll never put you down ♪
♪ Say if I wanted anyone, girl, I want you around ♪
♪ 'Cause you bring out the best in me ♪
♪ And there's no one else I would rather... ♪
♪ 'Cause I love you ♪
♪ Need you... ♪

Is there a test for it?

No, it's just visual inspections.

Cam: How does that work?

Reggie: Doctor pours vinegar on your d*ck.

No, seriously.

No, pours vinegar on your d*ck and then looks around for something that makes him or her go, "Hmm."

Is there a sh*t for it?

Yeah.

Yeah, but, uh, you... well, you gotta get it before you get the HPV, and then you gotta never have had sex, and then you gotta have a different strain than the one you got.

Just say that there's no f*cking sh*t for it.

Just trying to be comprehensive.

Once the symptoms are gone, then the HPV is gone?

No. The symptoms could come back.

But if they don't, then I'm fine.

They not sure, 'cause they think in most cases the virus leaves the body eventually.

How long is eventually?

They not sure.

I mean, viruses punch their own clock, Cam.

If I'm wearing a condom, then I can't give it to anyone.

No, you still could via the scrotum or pubic mound.

What is a pubic mound?

Hey, you might not ever have symptoms.

Which means I didn't get the HPV.

They not sure.

They not sure.

Man, what kind of disease is this?

The f*cked up f*ckin' f*ckin' disease.

What do we pay doctors for if they ain't figured this sh*t out?

80% of the population has it, and the other 20%, nobody wants to f*ck.

You're not alone.

Do you have this?

f*ck no.

I'd k*ll myself.

You're the fixer, Reg. Fix this.

I can't.

♪
♪ Again ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪
♪ Wah-dum ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪
♪ Wah-dum ♪

[vocalizing] ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪
♪ Wah-dum ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Again ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Again ♪

[vocalizing] ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪