01x01 - Glock Schlock

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Clears throat)

So, uh--

Yes.

Yeah.

So, you, uh...

Mrs. Rotblum, your late husband was a very frugal man.

Oh.

And he was able to maintain his personal financial holdings for almost 50 years, which is very impressive, uh, considering taxes and normal life expenses.

Well, we didn't live a normal life.

The man reused Toastees.

Ah.

He wore a ring around his penis to save sperm.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

I don't mince words.

Never have. Never will.

I understand.

Uh, your husband had various unattended financial holdings.

Apparently, he was too sparing to hire an accountant to manage his portfolios.

(Scoffs)

For example, his investment in toilet paper is currently worth $12.34, which actually represents a gain.

And you've never seen a more delicate assh*le.

And that's typical of his investment returns, except for one notable exception.

In 1964, he invested $50 in a company that provides food to zoos.

Zoo food?

Zoo food.

For the animals?

That's correct.

He loved animals.

Well, that's probably why he invested.

You know, they feed monkey meat t-to elephants.

Didn't know that.

Yeah.

Well, and they take 'em behind the scenes, you know, into their cages.

Mm-Hmm. Yes.

And they take the little ones.

Um, what are they called?

The tamarin monkeys, lion tamarins.

Mm-Hmm.

And they cr*ck 'em, and they put 'em in a bushel, hundreds of them at a time, and the elephants just suck 'em up.

Fascinating.

Well, circle of life and so forth.

Yeah, yeah.

Mrs. Rotblum, your late husband's investment in this company is currently valued at $6.2 million.

Since your husband was too frugal to hire someone to draft a last will and testament, Florida law dictates that his entire estate be turned over to the name of next of kin.

Next of kin-- is that a Chinese name?

No, that's you, Mrs. Rotblum.

I'm Chinese?

No, Gigi, you're next of kin, which means your estate is now worth $6.2 million.

You're a multi-millionaire, Mrs. Rotblum.

Congratulations.

Can I get you water or anything?

I could use a wipe.

♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

♪

♪ Ia la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

♪

Six point two million dollars!

Let me tell ya-- I am in a stunned state of shock, and my bloat is acting up on me for the first time in hours.

I haven't been alone in 40 years.

I miss my Harold.

He used to pumice my feet!

And identify the difference between Asian peoples for me.

Hey, look, some people like watching birds.

My Harold, he liked watching Asians.

Anyway, what's a 76-year-old woman to do all alone in the world with $6.2 million?

Just wait for death to take me away and turn my once nubile body into a cruise ship for maggots and vermin?

I can feel my blood sugar dropping.

Okay, Gertrude Gettlestein Rotblum, you gather yourself, and you come up with a plan.

I'm scared.

I'm alone. I need help.

I need to hire a personal assistant.

Hello. Is it Gigi?

Someone who would allow him or herself to be bossed around by a short Jew from Canarsie.

My name's Joseph.

Nice to meet you. I'm Jessica.

Nice to meet you.

Ricky.

Ricky?

Yeah.

How ya doin', Ricky?

Hey. I'm very well.

My name is Gigi.

Hmm.

Mm-Hmm.

Very good to meet you.

Ah, you're very happy to be here, aren't ya?

Um, ye-yeah. This is lovely.

I love what you're wearing.

Please sit.

Ahh, thank you. Yes.

And I'm guessing you've been on safari.

(Chuckles) No. Uh, no, I-- th-they said, um, wear something more casual.

Oh, okay.

So, I grabbed this one.

So, how long have you had your hair this way?

Uh, recently.

Why?

Well, I felt like, uh, doing something different.

Have you worked with the elderly?

No, you know, never.

What's in your hair?

Oh, it's a hair tattoo.

Do you have experience being an assistant?

Yes, I babysit my niece and nephew a lot.

They're twins.

They're twins!

Mm-Hmm.

You know, I was a twin.

Really?

I had a fraternal twin.

He was born on the side of my body, and they removed it when I was... 27.

O-o-oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Can I touch your beard?

Oh, it's just-- it feels like any other.

I'm gonna touch it.

I'm gonna touch it. I'm gonna touch it.

Well, that's--

(clears throat) Come here.

I'm not so comfortable with that, but there you go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Very good.

Great. (Sniffs)

You've been an assistant before?

In France, I take care of my grandma sometimes.

Uh, sometimes, I'm a nurse-- sometimes, all the time, part time.

Is it sometimes, all the time, or part time?

A-a little bit of both, you know, uh--

There was three things, not both.

Mm-Hmm. I have a high blood pressure.

Mm-Hmm.

I have, like, an under boob quiver.

Mm-Hmm.

And I have a bad case of Chloe Sevigny.

Wow.

I have an open wound.

Where?

It was a stretch mark that opened near my inner thigh.

Uh, that is something that should be checked.

It's nice and pink, still.

Do you shave backs?

Yeah, yeah, I can shave backs-- yeah.

Do you shave vaginas?

Because I can't reach anymore.

Uh...

You know, plus, it's nice to have someone else do it.

I see. Yes.

I'm allergic to cats.

A lotta people are.

A cat bit me on my p*ssy once.

I'm sorry?

Yeah.

p*ssy on p*ssy crime.

(Laughter)

I'm Mexican, so you know, we're all about the family.

Yeah, Jews, not at all.

(Chuckles)

I haven't meet one, yet.

You've-- but, yeah, I bet.

You've never met a Jew?

No, no, not yet.

(Chuckles)

I'm the first Jew you've ever met in your life?

(Laughter) I think so.

Oh, my God!

(Laughter)

Wow! Well, pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I don't-- I don't bite.

Where ya from?

I'm actually born and raised, uh, in Canada.

I like you.

You have nice blue eyes.

Uh, thank you. You seem very lovely.

What's with the shoes, no socks?

Uh, no socks today.

I prefer you wear socks.

Okay.

Thank you so much.

Bye-bye.

Crazy hair-- he had crazy hair.

How can I walk around with a guy like that?

Well, I'm not hiring any of these idiots.

Uh, th-they all seem like they're into polyamory, except for that, um, the goateed Canadian kid.

Yeah, I-i could tell he didn't even love himself.

He's perfect.

Let's say you were to come into a lotta money.

What's the first thing you would do with that money?

I'd probably blow it all.

I'd probably waste it, like, on a horse, or a wife, or somethin'.

You're very honest.

I like that about you-- Honest Gabe.

Abe.

Gay.

It's Honest Abe.

Are you gay?

What?

That's okay.

No, no, I'm-I'm not.

That's fine.

You're hired.

What? Really?

You've got the job.

Just like that?

I love your smile. I can't get enough of it.

(Laughter)

Oh.

You're very cute.

Thank you.

I wanna hug ya.

Uh, when-when-when would you like me--

You're starting. You already started.

Just stay here and just be with me.

I'm at work.

Correct.

All right.

You want a lozenge?

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

'Cause it looked like a bug, you know?

And I went to squash it, and she said, "No, no, no, don't-don't touch it. That's a-- that's a mole."

I said, "Oh, God."

She said, "yeah, that's a basal cell carcinoma."

Hmm.

Can ya believe?

She had cancer right in the middle of her forehead.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, that was bad. What are you doing?

Uh--

You're in there too long.

You're gonna burn it.

Well, do you want, like, uh, tight curls or volume?

Volume, obviously.

Well, that's what I'm giving you. It looks great.

You know what? I'll do it myself.

I'll do it later.

Oh, come on.

I'll do it later.

I thought it was looking great.

Now, you--

Ahh!

What? You burn yourself?

Ahh, sh**t.

Oh, God. You see?

Ahh.

I told ya to be-- you have nervous hands.

Right on the finger.

Yeah.

Look at that.

It's gonna blister.

Okay, here's what you need to do.

Listen to me.

You need to pee on that.

No, you don't.

That's the way to get rid of--

No.

Urine cures it.

That's for-for jellyfish sting, you know.

The best thing for it is urine.

I'm telling you-- go pee.

Uh, here, uh--

Well, I don't have to pee.

I do.

You know, I've had anxiety issues my whole life, but I've never experienced them at this intensity before.

Well, there's only one clear solution to rid me of my overwhelming insecurities, something sensible, something in tune with the nature of things and in line with the most common anti-anxiety treatments.

I'm gonna purchase a deadly w*apon.

(g*nsh*t)

Oh, what?

You thought I was gonna say, "buy a cat?"

(Bleep) cats.

(g*nsh*t)

Gigi: Hello?

Man: Hello.[/i]

How are you doin'? How are you guys doin'?

Gigi: How are you?

Look at all these boom-boom-boom-booms.

(Chuckles)

My name is Gigi.

Fred: I'm Fred.

Fred.

This is Corey.

Corey.

How are you?

Okay, Corey.

Ricky: Hey. And you, sir?

Ricky.

And this is my new assistant.

Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

Ricky. Yeah.

Corey.

Hey, Corey-- Ricky.

Good to meet ya.

(g*nshots fired in background)

Well, I'd like to--

I very much would like to purchase a g*n.

Well, the easiest ones to operate are revolvers.

Okay.

And also, weight's gonna be a consideration--

how good it feels in your hand.

Yeah, I have, you know, I have a little bit of arthritis, but it's okay.

One-one way to explain it would be like trying on a pair of shoes.

Okay.

They either feel really good, or they don't feel comfortable at all.

You see mine?

These are mine.

Orthopedic.

Yeah.

So, any comfort I think would help.

Those are pretty stylish shoes.

Thank you so much.

We'll have to set you up with a g*n to go along with it.

They're a little dirty.

See how that feels to you. - Some kids in my neighborhood stomped on my feet.

That feel heavy?

Yeah, this is very, very heavy.

This I can barely hold.

Fred: Okay

See? It's starting-- this is--

I-I'm starting to lose it.

Naw, see?

I can't lift it back up.

Can you control it?

Yeah-- yeah, yeah. There ya go.

Sorry.

Maybe something smaller.

(g*nf*re)

I'd like something that can fit in my purse-- something I could fit in my brassiere or one of my, you know, this-this one is bigger than the other.

That happens in nature sometimes.

Gigi: Yeah, it's always been that way.

Very unfortunate, but such is life.

This one's a lot bigger, though, a lot bigger.

(Fred laughs)

Yeah, it's wild looking.

Okay.

This is-- a little more compact size, a lot lighter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot lighter.

Remember Charles Bronson?

Sure.

In what is it? "Die hard?"

"Death Wish."

"Death"-- "Death Wish."

Don't you come near me.

(g*nsh*t fires in distance)

You come closer, I'm gonna blow your brains out.

You don't wanna k*ll 'em.

You wanna stop the thr*at.

Here I am.

You were lookin' for me?

Well, ya got me.

Guess what. Boom.

Right between the (Bleep) balls.

I would highly recommend taking some training classes.

(g*nsh*t f*ring)

It's very loud.

(g*nsh*t f*ring)

Ricky: Yeah.

Too loud!

Yeah, it's probably too much for you.

We should go.

Any one of these nutcases can turn around and sh**t me in the brain.

I think you had your fun. Let's go.

Ricky, I'm standing my ground.

You wanna stay?

You bet your little white ass I do.

(g*nsh*t)

You think you can r*fle through my jewelry?

(g*nsh*t)

Smell my brassieres?

(g*nsh*t)

And wear my panty liner?

(g*nsh*t)

Gigi: Never!

In grade school, I was bullied by a girl named Baruch Fishman.

(g*nsh*t)

You would think she would be the one that was bullied because her name was Baruch.

But, no, she took it out on me.

(g*nshots f*ring)

Too late-- I'm the head of the class now.

(g*nsh*t)

Are you afraid?

I'm afraid, too.

(g*nsh*t)

Afraid I can't help myself.

I haven't felt this way in years.

This is exactly what I was hoping to accomplish-- your brains on my carpet.

(g*nsh*t)

I'm the k*ller they call Gigi.

(g*nsh*t)

My uncle was a Jewish gangster.

(g*nsh*t)

Now, who's gonna clean this up? Not me.

(g*nsh*t)

I don't clean anymore.

(g*nsh*t)

I don't clean anymore!

(Laughs, g*nsh*t)

I don't clean anymore!

(g*nshots f*ring)

I don't have to clean.

(Laughs)

Look. You k*lled it. Yes.

Wait. Hello. Boom.

(Laughs) Come on, Gigi.

I wanna buy this g*n.

I wanna buy that g*n.

Well, we'll think about it.

No, because-- - And make sure you're making the right decision.

I think that'll fit in my purse. No?

Mm-Hmm.

Yeah, can I try it?

Fred: Sure.

I would probably put it in like so. Do it like that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, perfect. Look at that.

Then, you clo-- it closes.

Ta-da.

I feel-- I feel invigorated, and I feel emancipated, and I feel inspired, and I'm wired, and I'm a little bit tired.

I'm not gonna lie to ya.

A little bit perspired, as well.

Am I shvitzing?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, all right.

Yeah.

Well, that was a lot for me.

That was a lot for anybody.

But, I think it went well, and now I have protection, which is very important.

Gigi: Do you have my car keys?

No, they're in your purse.

Gigi: No, they're not.

Yeah.

Gigi: They're not in here.

They're in your purse.

No, they are not.

Ricky: I know they are.

They are not in--

They are defin--

(g*nsh*t)

♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

I'm very very sorry but it's a graze wound, you know.

Don't make such a big deal out of it.

It's a beautiful day.

Graze shmaze, all right?

You woulda k*lled me, and then your day would be filled with dealing with my death.

I sh*t Ricky, but the doctor at the hospital said it was only a graze wound.

Listen, I blame Ricky.

If he had had a g*n, he would've been able to prevent this from happening because you know what they say.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a g*n is a good guy with a g*n.

Don't be a negative Nellie.

Be a positive Perry.

What do you think of that?

What I think, is that as long as you choose the g*n and having g*n for protection over having me work for you--

Yeah.

Then, I can't do it.

Oh.

I can't work for you.

The mayor of ultimatum land is either-or, Mr. Either-Or?

What the hell business is it of yours what I do with the g*n?

Because when the g*n is aimed at me, and I get hurt, that is my business.

Yes, you think-- and as mayor of ultimatumville, it's me or the g*n.

I promise you-- I promise you, mayor, that it will never happen again as long as I live.

Muah-muah. Point-point to God.

If you're quitting on me, give me my g*n back.

I'm quitting, but I don't have the g*n.

What do ya mean you don't have the g*n?

I never had the g*n.

Well, you're tellin' me we don't have the g*n?

We don't have the g*n!

The g*n is licensed to my name.

Oh, my God, let me tell you something.

You-you-you have caused me a lotta trouble.

You have-- you have-- you have--

You know what? Save your insults and let's find our g*n-- your g*n.

Fine-- Come with me.

Hold my hand.

I'm scared now.

(Sighs)

Okay, who do we ask?

Where was the last time you saw it?

In the children's alopecia ward.

It's not an alopecia ward.

♪

Have you seen it?

I most certainly have not seen a g*n.

Nosotros, uh... Uh, lose.

Uh, perdido Una... una...

Boom-boom-boom- boom-boom.

Ricky: You guys haven't seen a-- like, a nine-millimeter handgun, have you?

Nah.

Ricky: All right.

Gigi: Oh, my God. If ya see it...

Don't report it to the police, okay?

Ricky: No.

Keep it for yourself.

I can't believe this is my job now.

This is what I do for a living.

You're lucky I hired-- then go!

I-I work for a woman who loses a g*n.

Then go! Leave me out here in the middle of hell, on the corner of despair and horror.

Well, what am I gonna say?

We lost the g*n.

We're sh*t outta luck.

Yeah.

We-- look, you know, it wasn't-- bad luck.

It wasn't meant to be. It wasn't meant to be.

What do you mean, "it wasn't meant to be?"

These things happen.

You know, these things happen.

They're not supposed to happen, if you're responsible.

And worse comes to worse--

Worse comes to worse, it could end up in somebody's hands, and they-they-they hurt somebody.

Yeah, listen. Here's the best part.

Now that the g*n is gone, you can work for me.

Come-- let's go home.

You know what they say.

Every time a g*n is lost, an assistant keeps his job.

♪

(Wincing) Ahh. Ahh.

Okay, okay.

Ahh, that's too much pressure.

Okay. Well, it's swelling.

Yeah, no, but, that-- you-you just dab it.

I'm dabbing.

Oh, look at that.

You know, when I was eight years old, I walked into a very clean mirror at a department store, and I got a lump on my forehead, and my mother took the dull end of a butter Kn*fe and pressed it up against my forehead.

And now, I have, like, an inverted lump that presses against my right prefrontal cortex, which is probably why I suffer bouts of depression.

No, that's-that's definitely-- that's medically impossible.

(Sighs) You know what?

It's been a long day. I'm just gonna go.

Well, wait a second.

All right. Okay.

How's that?

Okay.

All right.

Yep, I'm gonna go.

You're leaving?

Yep.

Very good-- good-- great day at--

Great day at work, huh?

I'm very proud of you.

You and I make a great team.

Wouldn't you agree?

(Sighs) Yeah.

Thanks, Gigi.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Okay. All right, bye-bye.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Oh, uh, who's gonna clean all this sh*t up?

(Door shuts)

Oh.

I learned a valuable lesson today.

Never covet money, because if you do, someone will probably get-get sh*t.

(Cackling)

Oh, you know, Harold would've wanted me to save the money-- and, of course, my children called with their greedy little paws out.

No, no, no. I-I love my children, I do.

And if they ever need anything, they shouldn't hesitate to ask.

But, anything over $100,000 will need to be prorated based on if they've gained weight.

You know, Harold always said, "If you give a child a dollar, they'll ask for another one. But, if you give a child a job, they'll do shoddy work, so it's better to hire a migrant."

Oh, Harold...

I'm gonna spend every penny.

For 40 years, I lived like a cartoon Russian mouse, but no more.

No more-- I'm gonna live life to its fullest.

I'm gonna eat cheese at night.

I'm gonna go back in time and save Michael Jackson from the Jews.

I'm gonna-- hold on. I have a-- there's something in my eye.

Give me a second.

No, no, no. What is that?

It's not a I--

(blows) There's something.

Give me a second.

There's something in my eye.

I cannot see.

I definitely have lost sight.

Get-- uh, uh, this is bad.

It's a bug.

It's a bug, and it's crawling.

It's still alive. It's crawling in my eye.

Someone should call the po-- the ambulance.

♪

(Snoring)

♪

(Grunting)

(Sighs) Okay.

(Phone rings)

(Panting) Hi, Mom.

Yeah, yeah, ye-yeah.

I'm-I'm sorry I didn't call. Yeah.

No, I, uh, I- I got a job today.

Yeah.

No, I'm working for a-- the-- the sweetest older woman.

She's-- yeah, no, she's really, really great.

(Light groaning)

(g*nsh*t)

(Shovel clanging)