02x01 - The Whining

[bunniefuu]

Oh, I love Halloween.

Terrifying kids until they burst into tears.

(Choking up) Makes you feel like you've done something with your life.

Okay, be honest, which is scarier?

The left? Or the right?

The one in the middle.

It's scary how much creamed spinach you have stuck in your teeth.

What's scarier is I haven't had creamed spinach in a week.

Luke, have you been playing with the paper shredder again?

Uh, no! This is my costume.

I'm The Hulk, after he turns back into Bruce Banner.

What? But I stayed up all night making the Superman costume you asked for.

Yeah, I decided against the tights.

I don't need a wedgie slowing me down all night.

Oh... Thank you for that image.

Okay. I am almost done with your astronaut costume.

It's out of this world!

Oh, thanks! I love it!

Mm-hum.

But I think I'm gonna be a race car driver.

What? You want me to make a whole new costume?

So? I'm fickle. Some people find it cute.

Good thing I'm a great seamstress.

And this is why I'll never be a surgeon.

Well, that and my SAT scores.

Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

But they keep on pulling me every which way.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

My whole world is changing.

Turning around.

They got me going crazy.

Yeah, they're shaking the ground.

But they took a chance on the new girl in town.

And I don't want to let them down, down, down.

Hey Jessie.

Hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie.

Hey, Jessie.

Happy Halloween!

I need a nap.

And I need a date to this Halloween party I got invited to tonight.

Oh! I would love to go.

Wait, wait. I even have an awesome flapper costume I could wear.

Wow, a flapper? I love flappers!

What's a flapper?

All you need to know is it involves me wearing a short skirt.

Sold!

I can't believe I got invited to the swankiest party in the building.

I'll be pouring drinks for people, setting out food, opening doors...

Um, it sounds like you're working the party.

Oh, man!

And here I thought I'd be hobnobbing with all the fancy types on this guest list.

I've never hobnobbed before.

Gordon Billingsly?

The owner of Manhattan Minute magazine?

I would love to show him the short story I wanna get published.

Oh, I hope it's better than the play you wrote that b*rned down the school.

It didn't burn down the school!

Just the auditorium.

So what do we do if someone decides to give us a trick and not a treat?

Make sure they don't live to see November.

Good evening. (All yelling in surprise)

Grimm Hallorann, at your service.

Dude! You just scared the poop out of us!

You don't look familiar.

But, then again, I don't pay much attention to people who aren't me.

I couldn't help but overhearing you're trick-or-treating tonight.

Yes, we are extremely excited for Halloween.

A holiday that celebrates cavities?

Only in America.

Beware! Crazy things have been known to occur in The Fairfield on Halloween night.

Especially on the 13th floor.

Crazy how?

Crazy like Stereo Eddy's crazy low prices?

No. Crazy like elevators full of blood.

Kn*fe-wielding maniacs.

The dead possessing the living. And...

(In quivering voice) Twins!

Dude. Twins are awesome.

Do you know what I would do with two Jessies?

Get rejected twice as much?

Beware!

It's not just the 13th floor.

Back in the 1920s, in your very own penthouse, a crazed nanny did something horrible to her kids.

What did she do?

Make them wear mom jeans?

Maybe I shouldn't tell you.

It's just too scary.

I don't even like to think about it.

(Yelps)

You see?

I just thought about it.

"As the undead feasted on their human victim,"

"they began to quibble over the wishbone."

Take that, Stephen King.

(Chuckles) Right?

(Kids chattering indistinctly)

Mrs. Kipling!

(Hissing)

I am Robin Hood.

You were supposed to be Maid Marian.

Get back in there and change!

(Arrow whooshing)

(Hissing)

Fine. We can both be Robin Hood.

(Grunts)

Let us go take candy from the rich and give to the...

Well, us, basically.

Boo! (Irish accent) Scary leprechaun!

(Cackles)

I don't think wearing shoes with buckles on them is as scary as you think.

Yes, it is. It's a fashion nightmare.

What do I need to do to scare you people?

Cook?

(Growling)

Let's go. This fairy is ready to fly!

Ooh, show us. Terrace is that way.

(Horn honking)

(Engine revving)

Say hello to my ride, Christine.

(Engine revving powerfully)

Great, you have your bags.

Be home at 9:00 sharp.

And don't eat your candy until I put it through the metal detector.

Your mouth is not a metal detector.

Ha! I am not falling for that one again.

Hey, Jessie. Great news!

They told me I can come to the party as a guest.

I just have to dress up as a door monster.

Really?

Yeah!

I get to make punch for vampires, set out food for ghouls, open doors for demons!

Uh, it still sounds like you're working the party.

Oh, man!

Ravi: Luke, your candy bag is full.

This isn't my first rodeo.

Luke, why'd you hit the 13th floor?

Grimm told us not to go there.

Listen to yourself.

Since when do I have two sisters?

(Grunts)

(Elevator bell dings)

(Eerie music playing)

Greetings. (All screaming)

For the love of the Gods, man!

Quit scaring us!

There are far scarier things on this floor than me.

Perhaps you should run home now, before it's too late.

(Scoffs) Not a chance.

My bag's only at 30 percent capacity, and this is the one day of the year I apply myself.

It's true. Tomorrow, he won't even know what "30 percent" means.

You make fun now, but soon...

The fun will be done.

(Laughing maniacally)

(Kids screaming)

(All gasping)

Okay, that is the frosting on the creepy cupcake.

I am out of here.

I'm right in front of you!

Oh, come on. Do you two really think we're gonna see an elevator full of blood?

(Elevator bell dings)

(All screaming)

Tires, don't fail me now!

(Tires screeching)

Oh, man! My punch spilled.

(Speaking hindi)

(Hyperventilating)

Ravi, for once, freak out in American!

I said, "elevators should be full of cheesy music, not blood!"

Although Kenny G does get my toes tapping. (Chuckles)

I'm going home. That blood was dangerously close to ruining my shoes.

And I sweated through my Tunic.

Come, sister. Let us run faster than these cheap tights!

(Both exclaiming in fear)

Well, I'm staying!

That blood was terrifying, but not having a candy stash to last me through the new year is even scarier.

Yeah! I'd do the backstroke in a pool of blood if it means more candy.

(Howling)

Bertram, quit trying to scare me with your Teddy Bear costume.

(Sighs)

I'm not a Teddy Bear! I'm a werewolf!

(Grunts)

(Sighs)

Werewolves used to be scary.

I blame Taylor Lautner.

Bertram, quit the whining.

(Enunciating) And don't ever speak ill of Tay-Laut.

How come I'm not scary anymore?

Maybe I should just put on spooky zombie make-up like you.

What? I'm not wearing zombie make-up.

(Gasps)

That's your face?

I can't compete with that.

I give up on Halloween.

(Exhales)

(Typing) "And as the last two humans on Earth..."

"Looked over the field of burning zombies,"

"they realized it was up to them."

(Typing)

(Enunciating) "It was up to them."

Done! Yay! Time to par-tay!

(Snoring)

Jessie!

(Snoring)

Aw, she sleeps like an Angel...

(Snoring loudly)

With a deviated septum!

Jessie?

(Mutters groggily)

Ow! Oh!

Tony? What's wrong?

Well, besides a bloody nose, I spilled all the punch for the party.

Can you help me make more?

Oh, of course. Just keep that nose geyser away from my dress.

Both: Trick or treat!

(Door creaking)

(Both speaking in monotone)

Come play with us.

Um, excuse us for a second, ladies.

Zuri? A word?

Didn't Grimm say something about spooky twins?

(Gasps)

Look!

Both: Come play with us.

(Both screaming)

Hey! Get your own ride!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ah!

Great! You broke Christine!

Get the jack out of the trunk!

There is no jack! Or trunk!

We need to run!

No! I won't leave Christine.

Both: Come play with us.

Forever.

Peace out, Christy.

Don't take diesel from strangers.

Jessie, thanks again for helping me.

(Snoring softly)

Jessie?

(Sniffs sharply) Uh, stubby toenails.

You were sleep-chopping.

We don't wanna spike the punch with your fingers.

(Gasps)

Red punch! Red punch!

Tony! Look what you did to my costume!

Wait, wait. Wait, what time is it?

9:15.

What? Wait, we're late for the party!

The kids promised they would be home by 9:00!

They blatantly disobeyed me!

(Both panting)

I miss the elevator.

I wish the blood had taken the stairs.

Oh, I'm gonna get those kids!

Please, just put down the cleaver!

And when I get my hands on them, it'll be the end...

(Both gasping)

Of TV on weeknights!

(Keening)

(Shrieking) Jessie is out to get us!

Like that nanny Grimm told us about!

(Stammering) We must save Luke and Zuri!

Well, certainly Zuri.

Bertram, are the kids here?

Well, I'm relaxing and enjoying my evening, so probably not.

We have to find them!

I don't know if you noticed, but I put on my PJs. (Chuckles)

I'm not going anywhere.

You're helping me get those kids.

I am not asking twice!

All righty, then. Right behind you.

(Sadly) Oh!

(Soothingly) Did the mean lady hurt you, Cleavon?

(Both screaming)

(Panting)

Grimm was right!

I'm so scared, but I still kind of want more candy.

Okay, let's calm down.

I'm sure we'll be fine, as long as we don't see any Kn*fe-wielding maniacs.

Yes.

Both: Trick or treat!

(Both screaming)

Poor Cleavon.

Look at those nicks.

You better still chop like Bruce Lee.

(Martial-arts grunting)

This building is huge! It's hopeless!

We'll never find Luke and Zuri.

(Elevator bell dings)

(Both screaming)

Found them.

A Kn*fe-wielding maniac came after us!

And we saw twins!

Huh. Doesn't really top the maniac, does it?

We need to find Jessie!

The same Jessie currently covered in blood and hunting us with a cleaver?

Everything Grimm predicted has come to pass!

Told you so. (All screaming)

Jeez Louise, Mr. Grimm!

My heart cannot take these scares!

I am not 10 anymore.

Grimm, you were right about the 13th floor!

And something is seriously wrong with our nanny!

More so than usual.

Remember what I told you about the dead possessing the living?

Well, it seems that the beautiful nanny from the '20s has...

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

(Chuckles smarmily) Beautiful?

Okay, how beautiful are we talking here?

Luke!

Let him finish!

Get the hose.

Actually, you all might find this picture of her...

Illuminating. (Kids gasp)

Luke: Oh, she looks just like Jessie!

That is why Jessie is acting crazy!

The evil nanny has possessed her!

Grimm, you have to help...

(All gasping)

We should put a bell on that guy.

Jessie: (Beckoning) Kids!

(All screaming)

(Elevator bell dings)

(Sing-songing) Kids!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Huh! Maybe they're hiding upstairs.

(Tremulously) Maybe she is gone.

Maybe she's not!

(All screaming)

Come to nanny!

(Kids screaming)

(Jessie roaring)

(All screaming)

(Panting) No... More... Running!

There is a reason I hide in my locker during gym class!

(Softly) Peekaboo. I found you.

(Kids screaming)

(Screaming continues)

(Record scratching) Jessie: Wait a minute!

(Kids screaming)

(Elevator bell dings)

(All screaming)

Grimm! Help us!

Jessie's trying to k*ll us, just like the evil nanny!

The nanny from the '20s didn't k*ll her kids.

She just ate all of their Halloween candy in front of them.

Then why is Jessie trying to k*ll us?

How should I know?

It sounds like a "you" problem.

I'm out of here!

Wait! Grimm! (All clamoring)

(Thundering)

(All screaming)

(Screaming) No!

Luke! Leave the bag.

What is more important, your candy or your life?

Luke!

I'm thinking!

(Kids screaming) Ravi: Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(Jessie snarling)

(All screaming)

(All panting)

Okay. I believe we are finally out of danger.

(All screaming)

Tony! You have to help us!

Jessie's acting like a maniac!

Oh, she may be tired, but she's certainly not a maniac.

Here's Jessie!

(Kids screaming)

Oh, man! My punch!

Again!

Run! She's going to k*ll us all.

What? I don't wanting to k*ll anyone!

Although I'm not crazy about whoever locked this door. (Rattling doorknob)

(Imitating Ravi) Sorry, my bad.

Then why have you been chasing us?

Because you guys skipped curfew!

And I needed you home so I could come to the party and give my short story to Gordon Billingsly.

Oh! That makes more sense.

There's Billingsly, dressed up like his own magazine.

Good thing he doesn't own a fertilizer company.

(Stammering) Mr. Billingsly!

Can I talk to you?

I have a short story that is perfect for your magazine.

Hmm. It's a love story, with zombies! Huh?

Wait... Uh, Mr. Billingsly? (Choking)

Gordon? Gor... Gordo?

Uh, all right. If you want me to email it to you, do not say a word.

Sweet! You keep an eye on your in box, Mister! (Chuckles)

Uh, bye! Bye, have a good one!

Happy Halloween!

Great costume!

That's... Hey! Hey! Hey!

Watch the hands, bucko!

Look!

(Both in monotone) Come play with us.

Both: Seriously, let's set up a play date.

Oh! They're quadruplets!

Again, much more sense.

Could someone please come help me get this door off my head?

Guys, guys! I finally found the trick to scaring people!

Thanks to Cleavon, I'm back on top!

All: Ooh!

I fear it is not the cleaver that terrifies people.

Should we tell him his butt flap is down?

That would be the kind thing to do.

Since when is being kind our goal?

I am so glad I'm facing the other direction right now.

Woo! I really needed that nap.

Sorry if my sleep-deprived haze was a bit disconcerting.

If disconcerting means "so scary I started sucking my thumb again," then, yes, it was very disconcerting.

But, seriously, how on Earth could you kids think I would ever wanna hurt you?

A lot of weird stuff went down tonight.

And that picture of the 1920s nanny looked just like you, except with shorter hair.

And fewer splinters in her face.

Plus, the old night doorman, Grimm Hallorann, spun a very convincing ghost story.

There's no night doorman named Grimm Hallorann.

Oh, guys, relax.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, scaring little kids all night long.

Oh, give me a break. It's the one night a year I get to have any fun.

Besides, (Chuckles) I see you're still up to your old tricks.

(Chuckles) What can I say? I love candy.

Wanna go divvy up the take?

Mmm-hmm.

I've got dibs on anything with nougat.

I hate when that happens.

Oh, there it is!

Hey, that's my candy bag. Wall!

Sugar rots your teeth.

Ah!

Like taking candy from a baby.