02x04 - 101 Lizards

[bunniefuu]

Ah! What a glorious day at the park.

Did you not think the baby lizards behaved beautifully?

If by beautifully you mean chasing a soccer mom up the climbing wall...

And peeing in the water fountain...

And turning that kindergarten class into an afternoon snack?

Then, yes.

(Hissing)

(Hissing)

What disgusting little creatures.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Chesterfield.

The lizards have been a bit of a handful.

And you meant the kids.

Precisely.

Although if you're having trouble with those other animals, I'd be more than happy to take them off your hands.

You are all kinds of creepy.

I could never part with my babies.

Just look at this face.

(Gasps)

He got goop all over my jacket!

Why do you think we named him Gupta?

You know, uh, when a lizard throws up on you, it means he likes you.

No, it does not.

(Whispers) Just go with it!

Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

But they keep on pulling me every which way.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

My whole world is changing.

Turning around.

They got me going crazy.

Yeah, they're shaking the ground.

But they took a chance on the new girl in town.

And I don't want to let them down, down, down.

Hey Jessie.

Hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie.

Oh!

(Laughing)

Ah!

Yeah, watch out for the cereal boxes.

Ravi Jr.'s been nesting in them again.

Ewe!

I thought those were chocolate chips!

(Gagging)

Jessie? I'm afraid Mohandas got into your closet.

(Gasps)

My Miss Teen as*ault Vehicle sash?

I retreaded a t*nk in 30 minutes to win this!

In a bikini!

I miss all the good stuff.

Ravi, sweetie, I know you love your lizards but, I think it might be time for them to leave the nest.

You mean find them a new forever home?

No! They must stay with me.

But cooping up young lizards in a penthouse will only make them miserable.

If you love them, don't you want what's best for them?

Of course, but...

(Sighs)

Okay, I will consent to interviews but, I refuse to let my babies go unless we find the perfect new family.

Oh, hallelujah!

I'll post the pet adoption ad myself!

Wow. I haven't seen him run that fast, since those Backstreet Boys reunion tickets went on sale.

So, to recap, you are both immature, unemployed, and have failed to provide three valid forms of ID.

Ravi. They're eight.

I am still going to need to see some tax records.

But they don't have...

Next!

Absolutely not.

I appreciate your interest, but it is clear that neither of you is properly equipped to parent a baby lizard.

I know. Next!

Ravi, I get that you have high standards, but your lizards need a new home, and you're rejecting people as fast as...

Men reject you?

You couldn't just let one go by?

Hey, you pitch one down the middle, I'm gonna swing.

But, Jessie, I do not want to separate my babies!

And no one wants to adopt all 12 lizards.

Woman: I do.

I'm Cassandra.

(Gasps)

And aren't you cute little guys? Oh!

Jessie: Are you're a lizard lover?

Does a Varanus Salvator enjoy carrion?

(Laughs)

Classic.

Look, I'll level with you.

The only person who loves lizards more than I do is my boss, and she wants to adopt all 12.

So just sign here, and she'll send them to a lovely place upstate, with lots of room and lizard playmates.

That sounds perfect, right, Ravi?

I mean, this lady's here, and she'll take all the lizards, and she's here...

The only small condition is that I would need to take them now.

My boss is anxious to get her hands on them.

Wait! Is this place lizard-proofed?

Do you provide proper claw care?

Will there be a nightlight?

Because Sanjay is a sleep-crawler.

And you know how...

Don't worry, they'll be well taken care of.

(Sighs)

Well, as long as they will be happy.

But we are going to miss them so much.

Yes, we're all going to need time to grieve.

People grieve in different ways.

Goodbye, Sanjay.

Be a good boy.

Mowgli, be sure to chew your food five times.

Or until it stops struggling.

And Scooter.

Oh, Scooter, I do not know what to say.

How about goodbye?

(Elevator dings)

Time to go!

Goodbye, my treasures!

Mrs. Kipling and I will miss you very much!

We will see you on visiting day!

Wait, will there be a visiting day?

What if my babies get homesick?

I wish they could text.

I know, buddy, but we couldn't find a family plan big enough, remember?

And no one offers lizard-to-lizard minutes.

Because it's not a thing.

Hi, Mrs. C.

Ugh!

Can't one exit an elevator anymore without being bombarded by youth?

Although I must say, you're not the most unbearable child in your brood.

Um, thank you?

At least you're the only one who doesn't dress like you looted a 50-cent store.

Where did you get those flats?

These?

Oh, my gosh, there's this little boutique I love on Fifth Avenue, I'll give you the add...

Enough, I'm already bored.

I only meant to say that I don't hate them.

And I always appreciate a subtle feather detail.

Oh, that's not supposed to be there.

I just walked too close to some pigeons fighting over a doughnut.

Bored again.

So, where are the baby lizards?

I have to go to the bathroom, and I don't want to be surprised again.

They have left.

But the good news is, that they are going to a beautiful place upstate, where they will have lots of room to play.

(Chuckling) Upstate.

(Laughing)

What was that, Bertram?

Mmm? Oh, nothing.

It's just, when I was young, my parents sent my old, sick pet turtle to a farm upstate.

Bertram!

Why are your finger quotes making me nervous?

Well, later I found out that farm upstate was actually the old flusheroo down the toilet.

(Mouthing)

Burial at sea.

(Laughing)

Are you saying farm upstate is just a metaphor for certain death?

Yup.

What is not clear to you about this?

Quick! Hand me that water!

Ah!

(Yells)

Oh, I had a terrible nightmare.

My babies were being sent to their doom.

Really? What a coincidence!

Luke...

Because that's what's happening in real life, too!

(Screaming)

Clearly, I need a new signal.

I cannot believe we gave my babies to a total stranger.

I'm sure your lizards are gonna be fine.

Cassandra seemed like a completely trustworthy person.

Mrs. Chesterfield: Cassandra? It's me.

Have the Ross's lizards been delivered yet?

I'll be there in a few hours to finish things off.

Those little monsters are going to make me look great!

Ta-ta.

Did you see those boots she is wearing?

Oh, yes, they are so fabulous.

I have to ask her where she got...

Jessie!

They are lizard-skin!

Mrs. Chesterfield is going to turn my babies into fine footwear!

Okay, let's not jump to conclusions.

Especially so close to the edge of the terrace.

(Shouting in Hindi)

I know, I know, but she seemed so nice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You understand what he's saying?

Yeah, I've become pretty familiar with the phrase, Jessie, this is all your fault, in Hindi.

Ravi, I am so sorry, but what's important now is rescuing the lizards.

And not mentioning this to your parents.

We must hurry.

I fear that red-headed she-devil will slaughter my babies faster than she sprays on her tan.

Okay, um, we know that Mrs. C has taken a liking to Emma.

I wouldn't say liking.

More like least hating.

That'll do.

Emma, infiltrate her home base, do some recon, get the lizards' location, and radio back to HQ, stat!

I love it when she talks all m*llitary.

Snap out of it!

Ow. What'd you do that for?

Fun.

I must say, Jemma...

It's Emma.

Who cares?

I was pleasantly surprised that you've come to me for clothing advice.

You know, in my not-too-distant past, I was a model.

(Chuckles)

Really?

I mean, really.

Yes. Look familiar?

Are you okay? Do you have a cramp?

No, this is my signature pose.

In Vogue? Elle?

Poultry Enthusiasts Weekly.

I was PEW's catalogue Queen.

But I gave up all the glamor for Mister Chesterfield.

Aw, was it love at first sight?

No. He had halitosis and nose hair you could braid.

But after I saw his bank account, I had twenty million reasons to love him.

(Dog snarling)

Uh! Back, Zeus, back! (Scissors snap)

Cassandra! What are you doing here?

I got the scissors you wanted for the lizards tonight.

The rest of the supplies are in the truck downstairs.

But I told you everything goes upstate to the place.

No, you didn't.

Well, I'm telling you now!

For heaven's sake, earn your paycheck!

You don't pay me.

Well, that explains that hideous sweater.

I won't be a moment.

O-M-G. Lizards being held upstate.

X-O-X-O, sad face, hash tag, hurry!

(Cell phone dings)

Emma says there's a truck downstairs that Cassandra's driving to where the lizards are being held.

No! My babies cannot go for a drive without their car seats!

They're gonna be car seat covers if we don't stop this!

Stall her! We're on our way.

(Cell phone dings)

P.S. be careful. She's got giant scissors and she's not afraid to use them?

(Gasps)

Why would she need giant scissors?

As long as she's not running with them.

Sorry, it's the nanny in me.

Overprotective.

Now, come on, kids, time to stow away on a total stranger's truck that's headed who knows where!

Have fun. I won't wait up.

Bertram, can I see that magazine?

Oh, sure, there's a great article on frothing egg whites.

Oh!

Ow!

We need your help! You're coming!

But upstate is so far.

Whoa!

Whee!

Whee!

Is everybody okay?

Sure. If my tailbone is supposed to be 50 shades of black and blue.

Quiet! We don't want Cassandra to know we're back here.

(Gasps)

These people are monsters!

This box is full of lizard skin bags and lizard skin belts...

Mrs. Chesterfield is going to use those giant scissors to turn my angels into accessories!

Look, we'll get your lizards back, okay?

I promise.

As soon as we stop I'm gonna stand up to Cassandra and tell her to...

(Truck door closing)

She's coming! Quick! Hide!

Bertram!

Sorry. I know you love those lizards, but this looks really good on me.

(Gasps)

Get her!

Ah!

Oh.

I said, get her, not, crush her.

Look at us!

(Whimpers)

Aren't we just adorable!

Ooh, Jemma...

Couldn't you just die?

Yup.

Are you sure this is where my lizards are?

(Muffled protest)

Shh.

I feel like I'm being watched.

What do you expect when you wear that dress?

Not by you!

(Lizards calling)

(All gasping)

This is why I don't like to leave the couch.

All: Whoa!

Kumar! Padma!

All my babies are here!

Oh. Group hug!

Why would Chesterfield collect all these lizards in a giant terrarium?

Obviously, to lull them into a false sense of security, before she skins them alive!

You are sick.

(Muffled)

Oh, save it for the animal protection cops.

Have you called them, Jessie?

No, but that would have been a good idea.

And now I have no cell service.

Okay, enough chit-chat. Let's get all of Ravi's lizards and say, later, alligator.

We cannot just leave the rest of them here to die!

Jessie, can we take them all?

Please, please, please!

We'll clean our rooms! We won't talk back!

I make no promises.

Yes, let's do it.

All right!

How are we supposed to catch...

(Lizards chomping)

(Yelling)

Well, you just caught ten.

Ow! Make that 12.

There. Oh!

I do believe I have outdone myself.

Are you ready to see?

I'm not sure.

Maybe give me something to bite down on.

I love it.

It's so me.

And so not you!

Don't be so sure.

I wore this when I was a Spring Chicken.

You mean before you were old?

Watch it.

Spring Chickens is what they called us poultry models.

My nickname was Rhoda Island Red.

Well, it's beautiful.

It's yours.

You're giving it to me?

Mmm-hmm.

Why?

Oh!

Don't read anything into it.

Let's just say you remind me of someone.

Is her name Rhoda Chesterfield?

No, Evelyn Norman. We met at summer camp.

Now she works at a gas station in Jersey.

Oh. Well, thank you.

You know, Mrs. Chesterfield, I think you're actually a nice person.

Well, duh!

In fact, just recently, I endowed a lizard sanctuary.

(Choking)

That's where I had my assistant take Ravi's lizards after I adopted them.

A lizard sanctuary?

As in a place that saves lizards?

Yes. I... I apologize for the secrecy, but I knew he would never give them to me directly.

He probably would have thought I'd turn them into boots or something.

(Maniacal laughter)

(Nervous chuckle)

What's the matter? You're sweating.

There's no sweating in vintage.

Here you go, little dude.

I hope this bag wasn't related to you.

Oh, well.

Go!

We must hurry!

I'm trying, but I'm covered in bites.

Those are love bites.

And how are those different from hate bites?

I will have to get back to you on that.

Okay, I think that was the last lizard.

Great! Let's make like a bread truck and haul buns!

Wait! Where is Scooter?

He was in my pocket, but he must have jumped out!

Look, there he is!

Zuri: Go get him!

Welcome, everyone, to the dedication of the Chesterfield Lizard Sanctuary.

Yes! Yes.

Oh! Well, it was either this or give my money to cankle research, and I do believe I've made the right choice.

(Laughing)

Debatable.

I can't wait for you all to see these majestic creatures in their new home.

So without further ado...

(Camera shutter clicking)

I give you lizard paradise!

(All gasping)

Oh!

Hey, look, we're on TV!

Rhoda Chesterfield is murdering lizards!

(All gasping)

They should throw the book at her!

A big, heavy book that would really hurt!

I recommend Moby d*ck!

Emma, what are you pointing at?

Uh...

This is a lizard sanctuary.

And ouch!

Sorry.

On the bright side, you can cancel that mustache waxing.

I've spoken to the media and managed to set the record straight.

Are you eating the hors d'oeuvres?

(Muffled) No.

Why would you think I would do something so horrible as to hurt baby lizards?

Gee, I don't know.

Have you met you?

Look, we're sorry. But in our defense, things did look pretty suspicious.

Like the fact that you are wearing lizard-skin shoes, and all of that lizard-skin swag!

Fake.

As fake as my feelings for my first husband.

But you said those lizards were going to make you look good.

Yes, well...

I was hoping this lizard sanctuary would, help change my image.

It might surprise you to know that in some circles, people seem to think I'm a...

Nightmare?

Horror?

Evil shrew?

Look, everyone, Mrs. Chesterfield isn't that bad.

When I was forced to spend an afternoon with her, I actually hated it a lot less than I thought.

That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, Jemma.

Mrs. Chesterfield, I am sorry I misjudged you.

You have earned a lot of good Karma today, so just know something equally nice will soon happen to you.

Oh, it already has.

You mean putting an end to our feud and forging six new friendships?

(Laughs) No, of course not.

I mean finally getting 12 annoying lizards out of my building.

Point, Rhoda!

She's awful! How can you stand her?

She's my mom. (All gasping)

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, at least someday you'll inherit a lot of money.

Not if Zeus has anything to say about it.

Why does a dog need a house in the Hamptons?

You know, being your prisoner was the highlight of my year.

Aw.

Could you be sure to mention that to the authorities?

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of miss the baby lizards.

Spoken like someone who's never been their chew toy.

Well, I'm not going to miss the teeth marks on my shoes.

Or the lizard surprises in my shoes.

Or the times I caught Scooter wearing my shoes.

That little guy had weird hobbies.

Well, anyway, we're back to being just a normal, one-lizard family.

Jessie!

Mrs. Kipling's babies missed their mommy, and they brought their new friends over for a play date.

Can they sleep over? Please?

Sure.

Bertram! We're gonna need more crickets!

And a hundred tiny sleeping bags!