02x11 - Toy Con

[bunniefuu]

So, my dad cleaned out our b*mb shelter, and he sent me my favorite doll.

"m*llitary Mary: Super soldier by day"... (Gasps) "Fairy Princess by night!"

(Hums excitedly)

How'd she get that scar? From a bayonet, or a unicorn?

I don't know. She came with the scar, and her background is classified.

You know, Zuri, I was just about your age when my dad gave me Mary.

This doll helped get me through some pretty tough times.

You mean like back in India, when I was bitten by that Cobra and had to walk five miles to obtain some used anti-venom?

Uphill?

No, but one time I had to walk home from the Mall because my dad forgot to pick me up.

You win.

My point is, m*llitary Mary is very special to me, and she deserves a very special little girl to play with.

So Zuri, her new orders are to bunk with you.

Thank you.

But are you sure she wouldn't be happier back in the b*mb shelter?

Ah-huh! This is a 20 million dollar penthouse.

I think she'll adjust.

(Chuckles)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

Has anyone seen my keys?

(Retches)

Found them.

Oh, thanks.

By any chance, has anyone seen my nose-hair trimmers?

Feel free to take a look.

Sorry, guys, I just can't seem to focus these days.

And I feel all woozy inside.

Maybe you're sick.

It's Salma Espinosa.

Is that contagious?

It's not a disease!

It's the name of the most beautiful woman on Earth!

She's the neighbor's personal Chef, and let's just say she is one hot tamale.

Bertram, we're going to help you get Salma.

Oh. Absolutely not.

But aren't you tired of spending your nights polishing your nesting dolls with your tears?

Yes.

But there's no way I'm letting you two meddle in my personal life.

Okay.

Just so we're clear, we are going to meddle, right?

Like Michael Phelps at the Olympics.

Okay, Mary. Your mission is to scratch my back.

Ah, mission accomplished.

(Cell phone ringing)

Uh, it's Darla.

This could take a while. She has unlimited bragging minutes.

Darla, hi!

Oh! Oh, you're calling from your boyfriend's private submarine?

Lucky you.

Ooh!

A Bunny-Bot 3000!

Hey, is that an original m*llitary Mary doll?

(Chuckles) Simon Sneed is the name, toy collecting is my game.

As is making rather obvious rhymes, apparently.

Watch this.

(Electronic whirring)

You're the best boy or girl ever!

Tell your mommy to buy my DVDs, backpacks, and lunch boxes.

And best of all.

Hold out your hands.

(Whirring)

(Gasps)

Chocolate poop?

Delicious!

I'll tell you what. I'll take that old, scar-faced doll off your hands, in exchange for the brand new Bunny-Bot.

Deal!

Both: Sucker!

(Cell phone ringing)

Luke, are you almost here?

Great. Initiating Operation Beauty and the Butler.

I'm calling her right now.

Salma Espinosa?

(In deep voice) Yo, this is Tony from the lobby.

I need to see youse down here real quick.

Go jets!

(Elevator bell dings)

Hola, Bertram.

(Stammers)

You know, you two have a lot in common.

Like cooking, and...

Breathing.

So, have fun with that. Bye!

(Chuckles nervously)

(Hiccups)

Oh. I'm sorry, I always get hiccups when I'm nervous.

Especially when I'm around beautiful women.

Oh, you think I'm beautiful?

You make me turn as red as the tomatoes in my paella.

I love paella.

Oh, well... perhaps we could cook for each other sometime.

Like this Saturday? (Hiccupping continues)

I should be over these hiccups by then.

Well, this Saturday there is a salsa contest in the park.

(Gasps)

We could enter together...

I love salsa! I'm the salsa King!

Bueno. Oh, I cannot wait to salsa the night away.

(Hiccups)

She meant the salsa dancing contest!

What did you think she meant?

A salsa making contest!

You know, diced tomatoes, onions, cilantro!

Who dances in the park? That's crazy!

And making salsa in the park is sane?

You two got me into this, you're gonna get me out.

You've got three days to teach me how to salsa dance.

Is three days going to be enough?

Only if we can cut down his nap time to less than six hours a day.

I cannot believe you gave Jessie's doll away.

She will be very upset.

Okay, done with Darla.

The sub went under a whale so she lost reception.

Then I guess we're done here.

Better go home.

Wait, wait, wait!

Where's m*llitary Mary?

She shipped out. She promised to write.

What do you mean, "shipped out"?

Okay, okay. Fine.

I cannot tell a lie.

Ravi traded her to a toy dealer.

She can tell a lie!

Zuri traded your precious memories for an incontinent varmint!

On the bright side, I made out like a bandit.

Meet Bunny-Bot.

(Electronic whirring)

So you traded m*llitary Mary for a Bunny that poops chocolate?

It's Swiss! With almonds!

One, two, three. Five, six, seven.

(Salsa music playing)

I've seen better rotation from the washing machine.

Like you've ever seen a washing machine.

(Gasps)

Okay, okay, let's just try some basic steps. Ready?

(Exclaims in Spanish)

Now you.

Have you met me?

Stupid Poopy-Bot.

Jessie.

I made my bed, did my homework, and cleaned my closet.

Is there anything else you want me to do?

Oh, oh, the silent treatment.

Well, two can play at that game.

I don't want to play that game!

Just be mad! Yell at me.

I'm not mad at you, okay, Zuri.

I'm just disappointed.

m*llitary Mary meant a lot to me, and what you did really hurt my feelings.

I didn't mean to hurt her.

I hate to say I told you so, but...

Oh, who am I kidding?

Actually, I quite enjoy it.

This is terrible.

And no amount of chocolate poop can make it better.

Doesn't hurt, though.

(Salsa music playing)

Bertram, clean up that footwork...

Straighten your frame...

And tuck in your butt!

If I could, I would!

(Music stops)

I keep hearing this voice in my head saying I can't do this.

Oh, just ignore it.

That's what we do when we hear your voice, right?

Ah! I give up!

Bertram, do you ever want to get a girlfriend?

You've already been alone for like 70 years.

All right. I'll do it for Salma.

The only thing missing is the perfect outfit.

And while I'm at it, I'll try to find something for you, too, Bertram!

(Music starts) Keep dancing.

(Sighs)

I hate this more than you do.

I find that hard to believe.

Believe it.

Hey, Sneed.

I want m*llitary Mary back!

So I'll make you an offer you can't refuse, see?

Play your cards right and we both walk away from this, see?

She loves gangster movies.

I'll give you the same answer I gave my mother when she asked me to move out...

No!

There you guys are!

You know you're not supposed to leave the penthouse without me.

I came to trade my best toys to get m*llitary Mary back for you.

Oh, that's so sweet, Zuri.

What's your excuse? I was her hostage!

Hi, Sir.

My name is Jessie. Clearly there's been a little mistake here, so Zuri will just give you back your Bunny-Poopy-Bot, and you give us m*llitary Mary.

No way!

Only seven of these dolls with scars were ever made.

Which means I'm gonna make some money.

Have you no heart?

Jessie's father gave her that toy!

So what? My mother gave me an ulcer.

Boo-hoo!

Look, Missy, if you want your precious doll back, you can bid on it at the Toy-tacular, like the rest of the pathetic geeks.

Valued customers, I mean.

Wait...

Don't worry, Mary! We will find you!

Only tell him your name, rank, and serial number!

She'll be okay.

She has Kung Fu grip and fairy dust.

I'm so proud of Bertram.

I can't believe he's actually doing it.

The way you dressed him, I can't believe he actually left the house.

You are doing wonderfully, guapo, but you seem a little nervous.

Nervous? I'm not nervous.

I'm barely aware that there are three incredibly stern judges watching my every move.

(Hiccups)

Do not worry.

Now that they are watching... twirl me!

Now? Are you sure? (Hiccupping continues)

We're doing so well with this "one, two, three" thing.

(Hoots excitedly)

Ooh, here comes the twirl!

Twirl her like spaghetti, Bertram!

(Exclaims joyfully)

You have no business being out on that dance floor with her!

You stink!

You should've stuck to making salsa!

Totalmente horrible!

Que lastima.

Quiet, Bertram's!

Bertram, where are you going?

We are doing the salsa, not the running man!

What happened? He was doing so great.

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have mentioned spaghetti.

He's probably hip deep in meatballs by now.

We can fix this.

One of us should go wrangle Bertram while the other dances with his beautiful partner.

Luke?

Hi. I'm Bertram 2.0.

Congratulations on your free upgrade.

Bam!

(Pants)

Sold out?

It's just a bunch of old toys, not a Blake Shelton concert!

I think I found our way in. (Gasps)

We fake a neck injury?

No.

We conk those Snuggle Bugs on the head, take their costumes, put them in the back of the Snug-Mobile, lock the doors, hide the keys in a dumpster...

Or we could just take three costumes off of this unattended rack.

You're no fun.

Bertram, what's going on?

I can't believe I thought this would work.

Well, you usually need someone to push you.

I'm not talking about the swing, I'm talking about the dance contest.

I really thought I could pull this off.

But all those people were staring, and the judges were so Judge-y.

But you were doing great out there.

Really? Was I?

Yes! You should've seen how excited Salma was dancing with you.

She looked like you the day you got your new pressure cooker.

That excited?

Yes, that excited.

Bertram, you've worked so hard.

You're a great dancer now.

Salma thinks you can do it, Luke and I think you can do it.

The only person saying you can't do it is you.

Well, there were actually four of me saying it.

Huh?

Long story.

Which there is no time for.

Because the girl of your dreams is waiting for you on that dance floor.

And she needs you to win this contest!

You really think I can do this?

Yes! Now, why aren't you moving?

Because I'm stuck in this swing!

(Grunts)

(Exhales deeply)

Let's go.

There's Sneed!

(Static)

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

Remember to stick around for the big toy auction after the show.

The first item up for bid is a rare m*llitary Mary doll.

(All gasp)

The bidding will start at $1,000.

(All gasp) All: $1,000.

That makes it the most expensive thing I own!

I don't want to split hairs here, but you did give the doll to me.

Do you really want to bring that up right now?

Jessie, where are you going to get a $1,000?

They cut up your credit card at a frozen yogurt stand.

I never should've splurged on sprinkles.

Okay, you guys go buzz around Sneed, and I'll grab Mary with whichever one of these is my real arm.

Before the bidding begins, the Snuggle Bugs will be performing their hit single, As Long As You Bug Me.

Jessie: Hey. Wait, wait, wait... what?

Hey, watch it, bro, keep your feelers to yourself.

(Salsa music playing)

Oh, God.

Sorry I cut out. Can I cut back in?

Sure, we have to make it look smooth.

Let's do the reverse copa.

Five, six, seven, eight...

Maybe we should try that again.

You think?

Five, six, seven, eight.

I'm sorry, Salma. If you knew me better, you'd know I typically don't run away like that.

Or run, period.

I'm just glad you are back.

Your little friend was a bit of a showboat.

(Crowd cheering)

Luke, we're dancing so well, that all that's left is us and Bertram.

We have to stop being so awesome.

That's like asking me to stop breathing.

Is that an option?

Salma, it's time to win that trophy.

Maybe we should let them win.

They are only children.

They both have giant trust funds, and they'll never have to work a day in their lives.

Let us do this!

(All cheering)

Bertram, you were wonderful.

You think that was good, you should see me make salsa.

(Gasps)

We did it!

We did it! (Chuckles)

They did it? What?

Oh!

I'm really sorry, Salma.

I know you wanted to win that trophy.

Do not be silly, Bertram.

I got something much better.

A cute new novio.

You won a car?

No, silly.

Novio means boyfriend.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Oh. (Chuckles) Wow.

Sorry, Bertram. We weren't trying to win but, when you combine me with a dance floor and a crowd...

There's only so many ways it can end.

But we're totes proud of you, and we really want you to have this.

Thanks, but Salma and I already have everything we need.

Si, guapo.

(Chuckles)

Ugh! Let's get out of here before she starts running her fingers through his scalp.

Jessie: Okay, looks like we're gonna have to perform.

Just follow my lead and try to fake your way through this.

Ravi: Are you kidding?

We have seen every Snuggle Bugs episode a zillion times.

Zuri: It's the reason I have no attention span!

(Funky music playing)

Jessie: Whoa, whoa.

Watch out, watch out. Hey! Hey! Hey!

Whoa, okay! That's... that's not right.

Uh...

Kids actually watch this stuff?

Whoa. Hey, hey! Whoa!

Whoa. Wait. Huh?

Ah! Stuck... whoa!

(All gasp)

(Crowd cheer)

(All booing)

Get me down.

On it!

Whoa! (Thud)

Thanks a lot.

My bad.

Stop them! They're after my doll.

Wait, uh, that's not your doll, it's Zuri's.

She traded it fair and square!

What is fair about taking advantage of a gullible, thoughtless little girl?

No offense.

Wait! Stop!

Friends, parents, snuggle bug enthusiasts.

Toys are special.

They're not just things to buy and sell, they're...

Part of our happiest childhood moments.

Our most precious memories.

Preach!

So, we should take really good care of our toys.

Because at one time or another...

They took pretty good care of us.

And this man!

Tricked my little Zuri into trading away my m*llitary Mary for some cheap Poopy-Bot.

Which is already out of poop!

(All gasp)

And he lied about Mary's real value.

(All gasp)

And he did not provide a receipt!

What, no gasps of indignation at this lack of common business courtesy?

Come on!

My profit margins are razor thin.

If I don't cheat your spoiled brats, how am I supposed to pay for my sports car?

Get him!

(Kids yelling)

Sneed: Ow! Mom? Quit it!

We should get out of here.

Looks like Sneed's about to get the chocolate b*at out of him.

Aw, Zuri, you're playing with Mary.

You know you don't have to.

Are you kidding me?

I'm not taking my eyes off of her.

She's valuable.

Yeah, $1,000 is a lot of cash.

I don't mean the money.

She's valuable because you gave her to me.

Aw.

Plus, m*llitary Mary is really fun.

Oh, I know, right? One time I had her rescue the President from evil aliens.

Well, today Mary is on a secret mission.

The whole world hangs in the balance.

All right, Chubbs.

Tell us where you hid the honey!

Or...

Fuzzy-wuzzy won't be so fuzzy.

This brings back so many happy, childhood interrogation memories.