02x12 - To Be Me or Not to Be Me

[bunniefuu]

(Yells) Hole-in-one! Yeah!

(Burps)

Oh, I see you and Mrs. Kipling are playing Putt-Putt Golf.

Yup. It's totes great, except the ball return is a little slow.

Yes, I would estimate one to two days, depending on how much bran she consumes.

Ravi, you got a package from India.

Ooh! It is from the monks at my old school.

Look, Mrs. Kipling, what do you think it is?

Why ask her?

Yeah, she's just an oversized gecko.

Call her an oversized gecko again, and you will be coming out of her ball return.

Guys, guys, remember that part I auditioned for but didn't get?

You mean all of them?

Yes. But I'm talking about the role in MacBeth.

Well, I kept hoping and wishing, and it finally happened!

The girl who had the role got a broken kneecap.

You took Tony's uncle up on his offer?

No, it was an accident.

And I saved myself 500 bucks. (Chuckles)

Wow, Shakespeare in the Park, I'm impressed.

So, which juicy role are you playing?

Lady MacBeth, Lady MacDuff?

No, I'm First Apparition!

And I have two whole lines!

Ha! Just two?

I mean, two? Hey!

(Giggles)

Congratulations, Jessie.

We are so proud of you.

Aw, thank you, Ravi.

You know, this is my first real acting job in New York.

Other than looking happy every time I open my paycheck.

Tell me about it. We both deserve Oscars for that.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

MacBeth! MacBeth! MacBeth!

Cease!

Uh, am I doing something wrong, Mr. Lipton?

Mmm-hmm. Everything!

Oh.

Your posture, your enunciation.

And that lipstick is hideous!

You're an apparition, not a clown.

Sorry, Sir. It was on sale, my bad.

Again! And this time try and not make me weep for the acting profession!

Right, good note.

(Exhales)

MacBeth! MacBeth...

Cease! Halt!

Wherefore art thou talent?

I don't know what makes me cringe more, your acting, or the deviled eggs at Kraft service.

Too much paprika, Tina!

Now, Jessie, watch and learn.

Oh, I already know how to make deviled eggs.

No!

I meant watch me!

Two time Tony nominee, and recurring character on CSI: Albuquerque.

(Winces)

Uh, Cyril...

You okay there? Who's his emergency contact?

(Gasps)

MacBeth! MacBeth!

MacBeth!

Beware MacDuff!

Beware the Thane of Fife!

Uh...

Jessie?

Mmm.

Did you feel that?

Sure did.

I was right in the splash zone.

Ravi, are you sure it's a good idea to open up a strange box from a foreign country?

That's how I ended up with my first wife.

Long story.

Ooh!

It is an ancient ceremonial bell.

Oh, great.

One more thing for me to dust.

(Gasps)

And this is a Gaja Mukta. An elephant pearl.

It is a rare and mysterious object rumored to have magical powers.

Like what?

The possibilities are limitless.

Maybe it can even make your hair grow back.

That's ridiculous.

More ridiculous than joining the Hair Club for Butlers?

It's a professional networking organization!

Whatever you do, do not touch this.

I am going to walk Mrs. Kipling, to help her pass those golf balls.

Come on, Mrs. Kipling.

(Mrs. Kipling clicking)

I finally got Zuri tucked into bed.

After prying her nails out of my neck.

Have you ever tried to tuck in a Wolverine?

What are you doing?

Rubbing a magic bell on my head to grow hair. Duh!

Did you rub it on your back? Because I can see a small forest creeping up your neck.

I'm trying to grow it out, so I can do a comb-up-and-over.

'Sup, grown-up?

Zuri, I cannot believe you're out of bed again.

I can't believe you thought that tuck would hold me.

Let's watch TV.

I've got Reba Fevah, and Country Countdown's the cure.

Uh-uh-uh. No.

I have to practice my lines for the play tomorrow night.

You're playing a ghost.

How hard is it to walk on stage and yell, "boo"?

Zuri, bed. Now.

Jessie, no. Catch me.

Oh, wait a minute! (Laughs)

Zuri, get back here. Come here!

Come here, come here, come here.

No!

Gotcha!

Now, give me the bell and go to bed, young lady!

No! You're mean!

You don't remember what it's like to be a kid.

(Bell rings)

What just happened?

Why am I so short?

And why do I feel like I'm falling forward?

(Both gasp)

Did we just switch bodies?

Mmm-hmm.

Zuri, what are we gonna do?

I don't know about you, but Chubbs and I are staying up all night and watching TV till our eyes bleed.

Oh, no, you're not!

(Shrieks)

Well, that didn't work.

(Laughing)

Who took all my scarves?

I need them for tomorrow night's live, Kitty Couture Scarf-tacular.

(Yelling)

(Loud crash)

(Sputters)

Now that was Scarf-tacular!

Thanks a lot, Jerk of the Jungle!

Luke! Emma! Zuri and I were touching a magic bell and then we switched bodies!

Not now, Zuri, I've got big people problems.

Me, too! I used to be big people!

Zuri, tell them you're me.

Am not.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

(Gasps)

Now... go to bed.

What? You can't make me go to bed!

Okay, I'm going to count to 10.

Zuri Zenobia Ross, you can't count to 10 on me!

I count to 10 on you!

One, two, three...

One, two, three...

Where is this going to end?

I'm guessing 10.

Look, we need to switch back before my big acting debut tomorrow night.

If you go on stage, it will be a bigger disaster than my prom night.

You should go to bed, too, you big boogers.

But our bedtime isn't for an hour.

And Zuri didn't have to go.

Well, she's a lot cuter than you. A lot.

Now, move, you big poopy butts.

Jessie, did you just call us "boogers" and "poopy butts"?

I have never been so attracted to you.

You're nasty.

Isn't he nasty? (Mock retching)

Ravi, Zuri and I switched bodies!

I'm Jessie.

Oh, Zuri, your child-like flights of fancy are always a delight.

Never change.

But I am not making this up!

I am Jessie!

And I cannot go through puberty again!

I had to go bra shopping with my dad!

Okay, I will play along. Let us see...

If you are really Jessie, then tell me something only she and I would know.

You still like to wear Choo Choo underwear.

(Gasps)

Jessie, it is you!

How did this happen?

I don't know. It's your dang bell.

So the power is real.

Ravi, you need to fix this, or I'm sending you to sports camp.

(Gasps)

Very well.

I'm sure if we comb the ancient scrolls and the Internet.

We will find an answer within a week or two.

What? But my play is tomorrow night!

In that case, we are up the Ganges without a pool noodle.

(Humming)

Zuri, what are you doing?

Making breakfast.

I'm gonna fry up some peanut butter.

You are not putting that in my body!

Good thinking. If I'm gonna ride all those roller coasters at Coney Island, I want to keep my arms up and my breakfast down.

You can't go riding roller coasters!

Yeah, I can. Because now I'm tall enough to ride every ride.

And drive! Where are the keys to the helicopter?

Oh, not gonna happen!

If Ravi can't change us back in time, you need to learn my lines, so you don't mess up my career.

What career?

You know you're not too big to spank!

Well, actually, you are. Just come on!

(Whines) But I don't wanna be a struggling actor.

I can't believe they're still pretending this stupid bell made them switch bodies.

Oh! Luke, do not touch that. It is dangerous to touch the Gaja Mukta!

Ooh, I'm so scared. Ah!

Luke, give him back his Sanjay Gupta!

You are so immature!

You're immature-er.

Idiot. (Snorts)

(Bell rings)

Dude...

Why are you wearing my face?

What is that terrible smell?

(Sniffs) Ewe, gross, it's me!

Uh-oh.

Did you two just switch bodies?

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

I will take that as a yes.

Zuri, get down here before you cr*ck my skull open.

Can't make me. (Laughs)

Then you can forget about that Carrie Underwood concert.

Fine.

If I fell, I'd probably only break one of your old, brittle hips, anyhow.

Now, please focus!

We're up to the line about the Thane of Fife.

What the heck is a Thane? I don't know what any of this means.

It's Shakespeare. No one knows what it means.

You.

Me?

Me?

Oh, no. Not the little one. The one with the ridiculous pom poms.

Ridiculous?

You're gonna look ridiculous with my foot in your... (Muffled)

How would you like to be bumped up to First Witch?

Ooh, I'd love to! Thank you!

Again, not you!

So, what say you, fellow thespian?

You know you spit when you talk?

Ah! (Video game beeping)

Luke.

Kitty Couture goes live in one hour!

It's supes important, and I need your help!

Sorry, I've got an appointment to cut my, I mean, your hair.

(Gasps)

How do you feel about a mullet? (Gasps)

You wouldn't dare!

Now, put on that disguise and those Kitty claw gloves, and get fierce!

(Chuckles)

No way!

Really? Because I have four slumber party invitations for next weekend.

If you help me, you can take your pick.

Ooh, deal!

This is gonna be the greatest pillow fight of my life!

Ravi, why are you just sitting around?

You should be figuring out this stupid bell!

(Without accent) But it's so far.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(In Indian accent) I fear I have some demoralizing news.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

You can wear 'em, blow snot into 'em, and dry those hard-to-reach places.

And that's all there is to say about scarves.

Idiot.

And FYI, guys don't really care about what you wear.

They just like it when you talk about sports, or play video games.

Ah, or laugh when they burp the alphabet...

(Laughing)

Time to wrap this up, "Kitty".

Fine.

Here's a very special sign-off.

See you next time in The Glitter Box!

(Burping)

Ah! Oh!

Phew!

Oh, I love my new hair.

And I'm so light on my feet.

This is what it must be like to walk on the moon!

Focus!

Ah.

I only have 30 minutes until Zuri has to go on stage for me!

Then let us bring the bell to the park, and figure this out before the curtain rises.

Hey, how's my stage makeup look?

Like a box of crayons threw up on you!

Ah!

Bertram, please quit caressing my hair. It is getting weird.

(Making farting sounds)

(Laughs)

Stop playing my armpit!

It's totes gross!

Isn't it bad enough that you destroyed Kitty Couture?

Dude, calm down. It's just a dumb little Internet show.

With three million followers!

Whoa! You're more popular that that monkey who sniffed his own butt.

I can't even imagine what horrible things people are saying about Kitty Couture.

(Groans)

Okay, I'm sorry, Emma.

I didn't mean to ruin your vlog.

I know how important clothes are to you and your people.

(Tablet chimes)

OMG!

OMG!

This is fantabulous!

Please don't use my mouth to say that!

My viewers actually liked you! Look.

"Kitty gives us an insightful glimpse into the secret mind of boys!"

My page views are going through the roof!

Oh, guess it doesn't matter whose body I'm in.

People can't get enough of the Luke-ster. (Smacks lips)

Whoa. There's a lot of people out there.

You really should have made me practice more.

I'd strangle you, if I could reach your throat.

Okay, so the first stanza is on your right arm, and the second stanza is on your left.

Got it. What's a stanza?

Oi.

Why couldn't we just switch bodies on the day I had to get a root canal?

That's cold.

I'm sorry, Zuri. This just means so much to me.

I know. I promise I'll try and do my very best.

Even though I can't remember my lines, and I really have to go potty.

But I promise I'll try and hold it.

Thanks, Zuri.

Now, go break a leg.

That's mean!

Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

(All cackling)

(Laughs)

Fillet of a fenny snake, in the cauldron boil and bake.

Ugh, sounds like Bertram's cooking.

Zuri, if it's not on your arm, don't say it!

How now, you secret, black and midnight hags! What...

Who you calling a hag?

He's calling us hags!

What is it you do?

Well, right now I'm wiping your tuna salad off my forehead!

Um...

Uh, eyenewl...

Toewool batand...

Ha! Ah!

Each time the switch occurred, those who touched the bell were arguing.

So, if I am correct, these negative elements, when bombarded by positive energies, might switch us back.

My hair has body and shine!

Bertram, just hold this and say nice things!

No! Keep that bell away from me. I'm not losing this hair!

You're gonna lose more than that hair if you don't do what I say!

Let me begin.

You are a superlative napper and very knowledgeable about cheese.

And rocking that kurta, by the way.

Your turn.

(Reluctantly) Okay...

You're slightly less annoying than Luke.

And you have fantastic hair.

(Sobbing dramatically)

(Bell ringing)

(Sobbing)

It worked! I am me and you are you again.

Huzzah!

And I just bought a gallon of Hair Gel, and a three-speed blow dryer! (Sobbing)

With a diffuser! (Sobbing)

I conjure you, by that which you do profess.

Howe'er you come to know it, answer me.

Answer me!

I'm looking, I'm looking.

I better get a new doll for this.

Jessie.

Who be this?

Forsooth, MacBeth.

Tis I, Zurinda.

The, uh...

Witch intern.

What?

Huh?

Ooh!

Ooh!

I know how to switch us back.

We just hold the bell and say nice things about each other.

How now, weird witches?

What play art thou in?

Thank you for trying to help me.

You're the best little girl in the world.

I would do anything for you.

You're the best nanny in the world.

(Bell ringing)

(Both gasp)

Hey, I'm me again!

Welcome back. Now get off my stage.

Yes, be gone, witch intern!

Get thee to a nunnery!

That's from Hamlet.

I know that!

(Exhales)

Eye of newt and toe of frog...

Wool of bat and tongue of dog...

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting...

Lizard's leg and owlet's wing!

(Cauldron bubbling)

That's your cue, Mac!

Line?

Yes!

My head is cold.

(Sobbing)

Oh, thank you.

How do I look?

I would not play hard to get.

Glad to be back in my own body.

And I'm glad to be rid of your armpit smell.

Hey, why do my eyebrows hurt?

Because I plucked them. You're welcome.

Oh, man!

Hey, just be glad we both switched back before one of us had to use the bathroom.

(Both imitating vomiting)

Good news! I have destroyed the bell.

Absolutely nothing remains of that terrible talisman.

So, no one will ever be able to switch bodies again?

That is correct!

(Crunching)

What are you guys staring at?

(Screaming)

Ooh! Look, Mrs. Kipling, what do you think it is?

Why ask her?

Yeah, she's just an oversized gecko.

Call her an oversized gecko again, and you will be coming out of her ball return.

I'll bet all Mrs. Kipling thinks about is Godzilla movies, eating cockroaches...

Imagining what would happen if we all switched body's.

Luke do not be ridiculous, Mrs. Kipling hates cockroaches.

(Beep)

Good news... oh one time with an accent.

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

I wanna keep breakfast... yeah, nope!

My breakfast down and my arms up...

Up!

Well, ugh, I can't get up!

(Laughing)