03x02 - Caught Purple Handed

[bunniefuu]

[Clears throat] Your Principal just called...

It was Luke!

It was Zuri!

It was Ravi!

It was me!

I assume I'm covering for you.

It was all of you.

Apparently you didn't turn in your money from the charity muffin sale last month.

The muffins I slaved over a hot cab ride to the bakery for!

We didn't turn it in because...

Because...

Ravi put it in the bank to earn interest.

I suggested mutual funds, but no, those are too risky.

What?

Okay.

But if you're lying to me, the next time you leave your rooms will be for college.

And wherever you two go.

I am guessing by the unrepentant fibbery that none of you sold your muffins either?

I was going to, but I couldn't find the right muffin-selling outfit.

Nothing goes with bran!

And I tried to sell mine on Butterfly Scout turf.

Those little girls smashed my muffins and called me names that would make a construction worker blush.

Oh, I just remembered.

Mine are still in my room!

Ta-da! Muffin time!

Luke, those things are probably hard as rocks by now.

They're fine. Here, Ravi, try one.

[Elevator dings]

Aah! A ball!

Oh!

Ow!

Aw! I can't stand to see him like this.

[Elevator dings]

Problem solved.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

[Music]

Thank you so much for this luxurious picnic, Jessie.

I have been craving some quality Ravi-nanny time.

Aw, that's so sweet. And sad.

We really need to find you a play group.

Ah! I knew it was you!

I should hope so. We've only lived in the same penthouse for two years now.

I mean, I know you've got my Gouda.

[Sniffing]

In the...

South... [sniffing] West...

Oh! Corner of your basket!

Oh!

How do you do that?

It's cheese. It's my superpower.

I'm not saying it's a good one, but it's mine.

And so is this. [Chuckling]

Hey! Give me back my lunch!

No, don't put me on hold again!

If I go over my minutes, my mom's gonna kick me off the family plan!

No, it's Max Bauer, Katie's Agent.

What you do mean she fired me?

Oh, you mean she fired me.

I can't catch a break!

Uh, you are sitting in Vindaloo.

You said it, kid.

This whole week has been one big Vindaloo storm!

Uh, forgive me, but did you say you were an Agent?

The best in town!

Just don't ask which town.

Uh, this is perfect.

My nanny has been looking for an Agent to help her find jobs in the business you call "show."

Let me go get her.

Fine! You want the cheese so bad? Eat it! Eat it all!

[Vocalizing]

Unfortunately, she has stepped away.

Look, are you gonna give us the money or not?

Uh, not.

Why don't you use your allowance to make up the muffin money?

You guys clear more per week than the Mayor.

We get our allowance on Sunday.

There's none left by now.

It's Tuesday!

I know! But I bought Chase Logan's autographed poster and concert-worn hat.

[Gasps] Ooh, a hair!

Even his dandruff is cute.

That dweeb pop star?

Please! He's a dancing mop.

You know...

Mom always has fund raising parties when she needs money for her charities.

That's what we should do.

Great idea!

We can charge kids a cover, then give all the proceeds to the school.

But if we throw a party here, then Jessie will know that we lied right to her face.

I got it! We can have it at our house in the Hamptons.

Great! But what are we gonna do about Nanny McGrounds-A-Lot?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about Jessie.

She's been banned from the Hamptons ever since she "fell asleep" on Channing Tatum's front lawn.

Twice.

Hi, Max? Jessie Prescott.

Uh, a fragile-looking Indian boy gave me your card.

What agency does this guy work for anyway?

His card says "C.A.E."

Their agents only represent the best actors.

Then what do they want with Jessie?

I have absolutely no idea.

Guys, I have a meeting with an Agent!

And this time, he knows about it.

I can't wait for our Hamptons party!

And I cannot wait to DJ!

I have compiled a list of the illest party jams that are sure to get the house a-rocking.

Has the Macarena hit The States yet?

Guys, did you hear the horrible news?

Don't worry, we're not gonna let Ravi play the Macarena.

Or... "Who Let the Cobras Out"?

It was a huge hit in India!

Based on a very true, very sad story.

No! Dad just lost our Hamptons house to Steven Spielberg in a game of rock-paper-scissors.

How many times have we told him not to always pick "rock"?

Word gets out!

So, what are we going to do about raising that muffin money?

How about we have an outdoor party?

We could have it on the roof!

Not now, Luke! The smart kids are thinking.

Thank you, Zuri.

Not you.

No, the roof is a terrible idea.

What if it rains? Or snows? Or...

Sharknadoes?

Dodgy attitude, nervous sweating...

You're hiding something on the roof.

What is it? Candy stash? Stink bombs?

[Cooing]

All: Pigeons?

They have been trained to defend me.

I have a feeling I might not be popular in high school.

And you think att*ck pigeons are your fast pass out of Wedgieville?

Actually, the roof is perfect.

All we have to do is cover up the cage of flying rats.

"Flying rats"?

They are highly trained aerial assassins.

[Scoffs]

Dude, what could these tiny things possibly do...

Ka-kaw!

Hi. Are you Max?

That's me!

Unless you're a bill collector, in which case, I'm Tina.

Well, I'm not a bill collector. I'm Jessie Prescott, and I'm ready my screen test.

Great. Let's begin.

Uh. Oh, okay.

[Clears throat]

Here is a monologue from my one-woman show, entitled...

The Girl Who Was Too Pretty to Get Asked to the Dance.

I don't want to hear you talk, I just need footage of your hands.

And might I say, they are quite magnificent.

Perfect nail beds, awesome cuticles...

[Gasps] No knuckle hair. Uh...

All right! Back off, Tina! I have pepper spray.

Oh, no, no. I was just looking at your moneymakers.

What is not clear to you about the phrase, "I have pepper spray"?

I thought you were an Agent.

I am.

For hand models.

You know those commercials where you see hands holding something?

I represent the people attached to those hands.

But your card says you work at C.A.E.

I do! "Creative Appendage Employment"!

Oh, you probably thought it was the other C.A.E.

Man, I wish!

Then I wouldn't have to work out of the park.

Sometimes squirrels take my lunch.

Listen, Max. I appreciate your interest, but I moved to New York to make my whole body a star.

Uh, you know, some of these hand modeling gigs pay $5,000 each.

Get these hands a pen! Where do I sign?

[Music]

Jessie: Bertram, can you help me?

My Agent says I need pictures of my hands for my portfolio, but all I have is my kindergarten hand turkey.

Which I would really like to get off the refrigerator.

You know, Jessie, glamour sh*ts are so cliche.

They need to see your hands in action.

No, no, no, don't pose! Act natural.

Oh. Yes! Oh, nice bowl-work.

Yes!

Now get those dirty plates.

Oh! Wonderful!

Like this?

Perfect! Yeah! Now put 'em in the sink.

How's that? Okay.

Oh, so natural!

Oh! Now, um, uh, start wiping down the counter.

Um, is this, is this working for ya?

That is working great!

You getting it?

Good! Now, now wipe off the table.

Yeah, that's it.

Really put your back into it.

Oh, I get it.

You got a little something on your head.

And I'll give you a hint, it's not hair.

Okay, so the dance floor goes here.

And then the DJ booth can go right there.

I'm gonna paint it purple.

Hey, kids.

And that, my friends, is how you divide a decimal.

Guess what? Actually, don't, don't guess. It's always insulting.

Anyway, my new Agent just got me a job on a late-night infomercial!

Nice, Jessie! Up top!

Wha... n... not the hands!

[Screams] Ow!

Hey! Add my hands to the list of things you cannot touch.

Hey! If she's gone tomorrow night, that's when we should have the party.

You're right! Quick, everyone text all of your friends.

[Beeps]

[Dings]

Ravi, I already know about the party.

Oh. Then I am done.

Guys, want to come to a commercial sh**t and see these bad boys in action?

Nope.

Uh-uh.

Meh.

Pass.

Fine. See if I ever go to one of your "talent" shows again.

Jessie, this warm wax treatment will take you on a Jasmine-scented journey of relaxation.

Jessie: Mmm.

That'd be nice.

The last journey my hands took was into the toilet to fish out Zuri's cell phone.

Why can't she ever drop it before she goes?

I will now make you my special brand of stress-reducing tea.

While your eyes are covered and you cannot see anything.

Uh, so if you hear a bunch of noise and shuffling behind you, that is what it is.

All part of the vigorous tea-making process.

Nothing more. And when you hear the ding, dip your hands into the wax.

[Dinging]

[Sighs]

See? Does that not feel...

Dear Gods!

Nanny mode activated!

What's the emergency?

Code red? Code blue?

Code purple? Code purple!

Are things not dire enough without you introducing a new code?

It's not coming off! The commercial sh**t is in two hours!

If it is any consolation, the color of that hand really makes your eyes pop!

I'd throttle you, but the purple fingerprints would lead the cops right to me!

You're late.

Yeah. We have a little problem. I...

Just don't make a big deal out of it.

Jessie, I've been in the hand game a long time now, and I've seen it all...

[Screaming]

Except that!

Way to play it cool.

[Laughing nervously]

You are gonna get us fired!

And if I don't pay rent this month, my mom's totally gonna kick me out of her basement!

Oh, that explains why you smell like mildew and old couch.

[Music]

I can't believe no one came to our party.

We're never gonna make back that muffin money.

Looking back, perhaps we should not have charged 50 bucks a ticket.

May be people are just fashionably late.

We passed fashionably late an hour ago.

Now it is personal.

I can't have Jessie punish me again.

I've been grounded so many times, the last video game I played was Grand Theft Covered Wagon.

Thank goodness!

My party record remains as unblemished as my face.

Yeah, thanks to me.

People are only here because I posted online that Chase Logan is taking time off from his World Tour to come to our party.

He is? How do I look?

As gullible as the rest of these suckers.

Because he's not coming.

Uh, Zuri, don't you think people are going to be really mad when they find out they've been lied to?

Hey, I just handle promotions.

This is now officially a dumb kids' problem.

Ow, ow, ow! I think I can see bone!

Can't we just reschedule?

Oh, brilliant idea.

Delaying production will only cost an extra $50,000!

Great. So, like, Tuesday then?

You'll just have to hide it from them.

Hide what?

Uh... my enthusiasm for this job!

Can't wait to get started, Sir!

Just hold up the product, watch your shadows, and try not to get cut or b*rned.

Uh, wait. Say what, now?

Okay, bring in the Kitchen Dragon!

No, no, no...

O-M-G! I could lose a finger!

If you do, try and make it the pinkie.

It's not your best finger.

You know, I'm beginning to see why you can't afford an office.

Or an apartment.

Or a belt.

Wow, people are ticked off that Chase Logan's not here.

I'm glad I sent that e-mail blast from Ravi's account.

What are we gonna do?

Why don't we just throw Emma's Chase Logan hat on that mop?

They have the same amount of talent.

[Gasps]

I just had the most brilliant idea!

Whatever it is, leave me out of it.

And I'm in it.

[Squealing]

Hey, hey, hey! Keep your oily, teenage hands off of Mr. Logan!

I get 10 percent of the take, or I let these girls rip your lips off and keep 'em as souvenirs.

Okay, I'm gonna read the script while we film your hands using the Kitchen Dragon. Got it?

I can also add some of my own stuff. Improv a little.

Or not. Good collaboratin' with ya.

[Buzzer ringing]

Take one!

And action!

"Presenting the all new Kitchen Dragon!

The only appliance you'll ever need!"

We don't want to see your face. We hired your hands.

"Simply twist the dragon's neck to turn it on."

[Whirring]

"It slices and dices!"

And tickles.

Any chance I can cut something square?

[Buzzer ringing]

Why aren't you using both hands?

Because it's so easy to use, I only need one!

More chopping, less talking.

[Buzzer ringing]

"And it's the safest kitchen appliance you'll ever use."

No, no, no! No, no, no! No! Uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ow, ow! Ow!

Whoa, this is heavy! Whoa, this thing is intense!

[Whirring]

Cut!

[Buzzer ringing]

[Clears throat]

Any notes on the scene?

Yes! You're fired!

Any other notes?

Oh, uh... oh, but, uh, we're still gonna get paid, right?

Please?

If I don't give my mom some cash, then she's gonna give the basement back to the dog.

Is this a bad time to ask you if you can reimburse me for the manicure I had to get?

Can I at least have one of those steaks?

Jessie! Amazing news!

The clients aren't happy you pointed out some fatal design flaws in their product.

But they think you're really pretty.

And they want you to star in the Kitchen Dragon safety video!

Sold separately.

That's great! Will they use my face?

Yes! As long as you don't stick it in a bucket of paint.

I can't make any promises.

You don't know my kids.

Hey! Hey, stay back!

This thing is packed with dust mites!

People, please!

Despite the fact that he's on every talk show, sh*t a documentary about himself, and posts selfies all over the Internet.

Chase is a very private person.

We can't hold back these Logan lovers forever!

They want Chase Logan...

I'll give 'em Chase Logan.

[All screaming]

Yes! k*lled it!

Uh-oh.

Okay, this is what we have been training for; An angry mob of popular kids!

Fly, my pretties! Fly!

I got a feeling Ravi's pigeons are about to make it rain!

Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!

[Screaming]

No refunds!

And any items left here overnight become property of the establishment!

Ravi, you saved us!

Well done, Bradley Pooper and James Vanderbeak.

Well, I'd say our party was a big success.

We made a ton of money and we got out clean.

I'm gonna need a word with Bradley Pooper.

So, according to Mrs. Chesterfield...

You had a pigeon poop party on the roof?

To be fair, that was not our original theme.

The truth is, none of us sold our muffins, so we threw a party to raise the money!

What? So you did lie about the muffins!

She didn't know about that!

Way to go, blabbermouth.

Forgive me. My mouth is as incontinent as my pigeons.

Okay, that's it!

No more TV or Internet for the rest of your lives.

And your grand kids have lost their jet pack privileges!

Yours, too.

[Huffs] Yeah, like I'm gonna have kids!

Well, what you're all going to do is go up and clean that roof.

You can't make us!

Oh, yeah?

I got a Kitchen Dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it.

Okay, okay! We're cleaning, we're cleaning!

[Laughing]

It is the only appliance I'll ever need.

So, just sign here, and your Kitchen Dragon contracts will be official.

Make sure you read the fine print.

This Butler gig was only supposed to be a summer job.

So I guess this is it, huh?

Now that you're big-time, you'll probably need a whole-body Agent.

I'm gonna miss you.

You were the best client I ever had.

I only had one job.

That's one more than my other clients have!

The truth is, I'm not a very good Agent.

At least that's what my mom keeps saying.

Wait! Max...

You're a great Agent.

You believed in me when no one else did.

And she means no one else.

Nobody, zilch, zero point zero people.

Okay we get it!

Look...

You for me my first commercial, you fought for me.

So if you want to represent me, from head to toe...

I would love for you to be my Agent.

Really?

Mmm hmm.

That's awesome!

Okay! All right.

Oh! You guys wouldn't happen to have an unused office-shaped room available...

No! No more people!

That finger!

It's so commanding!

Shave that knuckle hair and I can make you a star, kid!

Really? You mean I'd never have to wash another dish?

You don't wash 'em now.