03x05 - Lizard Scales and Wrestling Tales

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

Jessie: Oh! Sweet outfit.

And not everyone needs a girlfriend.

I am running for Reptile Club President.

It is a fiercely competitive election, so I am turning up the heat.

You might want to turn it back down.

You seems like the obvious choice for that office.

I can't believe anyone else would even run.

I can't believe there's anyone else who cares.

Or anyone else in that club.

Why you guys having the election in the park?

We're not allowed to use the school ever since Mrs. Kipling turned the class hamster habitat into an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Don't forget to reupholster the couch in Zuri's dollhouse, and make sure the kids' formal wear is ready for Morgan's movie premiere next week.

Do you have all of my bags?

Surprisingly, no.

But I'll get this batch down to the car.

Uh, Mom...

Before you leave, could you help me with something?

I'm doing a report on my family history.

I wanted to ask you about my birth family.

Oh...

Uh... now?

Uh...

So... what do you want to know?

Uh, just stuff like who my parents were, and where I'm from.

Now that I've accepted it's not Krypton.

Is there any way we could have this conversation when I get back from my trip?

Or after you have grand kids?

See you in a few days.

Love you! Love you!

Love you! Love you!

Aw, I feel like part of the family.

Of course you are.

[Chuckles]

[Sniffing]

Quit using my shampoo.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

[Music]

Hello, Captain Firestorm!

My temperature is rising.

Jessie?

Uh, I was just burning up.

I mean, cleaning up.

For the last time, Captain Firestorm is way out of your league.

I know.

Anyway, could you please ask Mom to talk to me about my birth parents?

All I know is they were from Detroit, and incredibly good looking.

How do you know that?

Hello!

I wonder which one you get the modesty from.

Come on, Jessie.

I don't want to wait till I'm older to find out about my background.

Luke, I understand how you feel.

Okay? It's natural to want answers, but...

Christina obviously isn't ready to pursue this right now.

And I have to respect that.

Where was all this respect when you used Mom's, Business Woman of the Year award to k*ll that cockroach?

I had no choice! The bug spray only made it angry!

Listen, Luke, I am so sorry that I can't help you with this.

But I can help you organize your comic book collection.

[Chuckles]

How long has it been since you've had a date?

Too long.

[Bertram snoring]

Bertram!

[Gasping]

Why are you not painting my campaign poster?

Oh! Because Mrs. Kipling took my brush.

Also...

I don't care.

I'm done.

"Vote for Ravi, or else?" Or else what?

You may not have noticed.

But these g*ns have no a*mo.

How did you ever win last year?

I ran unopposed.

Still.

Oh, look at your opponent. Eileen's over there, schmoozing the band nerds.

[Sighs]

Oh, dear. If she locks up the marching band vote, I am doomed!

There is a huge overlap with the Reptile Club.

Hello there, Ravi. How's the losing campaign going?

The losing campaign is going just fine!

Wait, I did not mean that. Did I just concede?

Wow.

Winning this campaign will be a slither in the park.

Right, Corny?

Eileen, your Reptile Club platform is a crock...

Odile! [Laughing]

Oh!

Okay, clearly you need help.

I'm taking over as your campaign manager.

What does that mean exactly?

I tell you what to do and you do it.

Oh, so pretty much business as usual.

Luke, this is k*lling me.

What? Seeing me upset?

No, the incredibly annoying sound of you bouncing this ball for the last hour.

Look...

What if I helped you find your birth parents?

You, help me?

Why?

Because if I were adopted, I would want to know.

Plus, there's a lot about you that needs explaining.

Okay, the gas thing is because of Bertram's cooking.

Listen, Mom keeps all her important documents in the locked desk drawer.

Maybe it will have information about your adoption.

Good thinking, Emma.

We can get dynamite from Dad's special effects guy to blow it open.

Or, Jessie has a set of keys in her purse.

So, we use the dynamite to blow up Jessie's purse!

[Sighs]

I'm already regretting helping you.

Here she comes.

Jessie, can I talk to you?

Oh, I would love to, but I have a k*ller cavity, and I'm already late for the dentist.

Could we talk when I get back?

I was just wondering how old you have to be to get married?

On second thought, I can chew on the other side of my mouth.

Okay, why are you talking about getting married?

Because I met this really cute guy, and I can't visit him in prison unless I'm his wife.

Okay, I wouldn't let you date that guy who got detention, so this is out of the question.

[Sobbing] Uh... but I love him!

On the other hand, I'm too young to be in love.

It's over!

Okay, those feelings receded faster than my gum line.

Have fun at the dentist!

And just so we're clear, you are not allowed to get married before I do.

Amazing work, Emma. Why haven't we teamed up before?

Probably because I generally find you pretty repulsive.

Let's see...

Bills, passports...

Whoa!

Check it out.

Here's some stuff about my birth Mom!

Her name is Vanessa Colson!

And your middle name is... Dilbert.

[Laughing]

Now I know the first question I'm gonna ask my birth Mom.

[Music]

Eileen: Ravi K. Ross.

How can he take care of the Reptile Club when he needs his nanny to take care of him?

Come here! You have schmutz on your face!

Jesse!

I am Eileen Miller.

And I approve this message.

Paid for with hard-earned babysitting money.

[Laughing]

That was hysterical! Play it again! Play it again!

You know what? Send me the link. I'll watch it later.

I can never come back from this slander!

I am ruined!

We can still win this thing!

We need to fire back and say negative things about her.

Zuri, there is no place for venom in the Reptile Club.

Except, of course, in the glands of the more poisonous species.

In politics, you gotta get down and dirty.

And lucky for you...

I hate baths.

Luke, look at this!

I found a Vanessa Colson who lived in Detroit around the time you were born, and it seems like you two have a lot in common.

Really? Because I can't find anything.

It helps if you spell "Detroit" correctly.

And "Mom".

"The Motor City Mauler is a world-class female wrestler!"

"Also known by her real name, Vanessa Colson".

My Mom's a wrestler?

This is amazing!

That's not all. Her signature move is called the "Pit of Pain".

"She knocks people out with her armpit stench,"

"then dances around them in victory!"

Like mother, like son.

Luke, it's okay to cry.

You must be going through so many emotions right now.

That, and I caught a whiff of my armpit stench.

Sometimes it even takes me by surprise.

But if we hadn't taken your keys, we never would have found out Luke's birth Mom is a wrestler named Vanessa Colson.

And she's got a match in New York this afternoon!

Clearly, it's fate! Please, please, please, can I go?

She leaves town tomorrow, and I need to meet her!

Luke, I know this is huge for you, but...

Meeting her is something that your parents should be here for.

I just can't let you go.

I am so sorry.

You should be.

This could be the most important night of my life, and you won't help me!

I rarely say this, but you're wrong.

You say it all the time!

Do not! See? You're wrong again.

Wow, Emma and Luke seem really upset.

Kudos! What's your secret?

Bertram, this is serious.

Today might be Luke's only chance to meet his birth Mom, Vanessa Colson.

This doesn't say Colson.

It says "Olson".

The "C" is blackberry jam.

What? Sometimes I snack when I'm filing.

Wait, so Luke's been searching for the wrong woman!

Thank goodness I didn't let him go down to that wrestling match.

Oh. You mean the wrestling match Luke just told me they were going to?

Wait, wait. They snuck out?

After I told them not to?

Does anyone in this house listen to anything I say?

Mm? I'm sorry, I didn't catch that last part.

[Music]

[Grunts]

[Crowd cheering]

My birth Mom is amazing!

Luke, I'm so happy I can be here to share this touching moment.

Rip her lips off, Mom!

Kids! I need to tell you...

Jessie? Why are you dressed like you just clashed with some Titans?

The match was all sold out, so I had to sneak past Security!

I stole this costume from Cindy the Slammin' Centurion.

How did you guys get in?

We told them our parents were famous. It opens a lot of doors.

Zuri is playing hide-and-seek with the Obamas on Monday.

Luke, I have to tell you...

Look out!

Who's up next to get mauled?

You are Cindy the Centurion, right?

No, I'm Jessie the Gentle.

[Grunts]

I don't wanna get mauled!

I don't wanna get mauled!

Mom! That's your future daughter-in law!

Don't mess up her face!

Of course I'll record Ravi's speech for you, Christina.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Okay, bye, bye.

[Softly] Hey, kid...

You want to earn a crisp dollar bill? Just point and sh**t.

I got a peach-mango smoothie calling my name.

Only six kids showed up for the election? That's pathetic.

No, six is a record turnout!

In your face, Haiku Club!

Zuri, I do not know if I am comfortable with saying negative things about Eileen.

If you elect me as President, I promise to knock it out of the park!

Something my opponent can't do, judging by his infamous tryouts for the baseball team.

That is it.

I am in.

How do we play this game of dirty politics?

Like this.

Uh!

This is much more literal than I expected.

Now just follow my lead, and we'll bring this thing home.

Listen up, lizard lovers!

Eileen doesn't just own a snake, she is a snake!

What are you talking about?

Eileen tied Ravi up and sicced her snake, Corny, on him!

[Growling]

It's only because of his tiny, bird-like wrists that he was able to escape!

Yes. Every word she utters is true.

And a little hurtful.

Do you really want someone running the Reptile Club who uses their reptile for evil?

All: No!

All: [Chanting] Ravi, Ravi, Ravi, Ravi.

Thank you.

Yeah... actually, I don't have a dollar.

Please, please, I'm not really a wrestler.

No kidding. You're way too skinny.

Oh! Thank you! My secret w*apon is Kale.

[Grunts]

[Crowd cheering]

[Crowd cheering]

So, Jessie...

What do you think of my birth Mom, huh?

Luke, she's not your... [screams]

[Grunts]

Okay, now I'm getting mad!

[Grunts]

Yes! That is what's up!

Thank you. Thank you. [Crowd booing]

Oh, but she can give me a brain-buster and it's okay?

[Crowd booing]

I know you did not just clothesline my momma!

Luke...

[Grunts]

Okay, I know I had something important to tell one of you.

Finish her, Mom! Let's give her the Pit of Pain!

Yeah!

[Both yelling]

Yeah!

[Bell ringing]

[Laughing]

Kid, you're a natural!

That was some powerful funk.

Well, the funk doesn't fall far from the pit, if you know what I mean.

I don't have a clue.

[Panting] Luke...

Luke... Luke...

I've been trying to tell you.

She's not your birth Mom.

You read the name wrong. I'm so sorry.

What?

So...

You never had a son who got adopted?

No. I'm sorry, kid.

But I like the cut of your jib, and the stink of your pit.

Thanks.

Aw, man.

I hate to see people in pain.

Really? Because you kind of broke my nanny.

I can't believe you two lied!

You lied first! We just did it better.

Well, I would have been a better President.

I have great ideas, like opening up the club up to amphibian lovers.

Actually, that is a great idea.

Why did you not say that earlier?

I may have even voted for you.

Ravi! You are the worst candidate ever!

Okay, I counted all six votes.

And one retainer.

Eileen: Hey! We should have had an impartial third party counting the votes.

Trust me.

You couldn't find anyone else on this planet that cares less about how this turns out.

And now the news you've all, inexplicably, been waiting for...

Your new Reptile Club President is...

Ravi K. Ross!

[All cheering]

Thank you, thank you...

People say school elections are just popularity contests.

Given my victory today, we have proven them wrong!

[All cheering]

But I cannot accept the position.

This isn't peach-mango!

It's just regular mango!

I do not deserve to be your President.

Eileen and Corny did not rough me up.

My 9-year-old sister did.

[All booing]

Wow.

I did not think he could get any less popular.

Why don't both of you just become President, so we can all go home?

Eileen, what do you think?

I don't know...

Why not? After all, you're both passionate about this lame club.

[All booing]

There's only six of you! Take a hint!

You know what, Ravi? I'd be honored.

Let's seal it with an official Reptile Club salute.

[Hissing]

Then may I present to you, your co-nerd leaders...

Ravi and Eileen!

[All cheering]

I never thought I'd say this, but can I get back to work now?

Luke, I am so sorry The Mauler didn't turn out to be your birth Mom.

Me too. You must be crushed, like my knee cap.

I just wanted to know more about where I came from.

Well...

Then when your Mom gets home, you should tell her how you feel.

I can't. You heard her. She doesn't want to talk about this.

Talk about what?

Um... I'm going to go watch something educational...

On the Fashion Channel.

Well, that was obviously just an excuse to leave.

We all know the Fashion Channel has nothing left to teach her.

So, what's going on?

Um...

Go for it, Luke.

You can do it.

Okay. Um, Mom...

I really need to learn more about my birth parents.

There's just so much I don't know about myself, like...

Why do I have freckles?

Why am I a good dancer?

Why am I terrible at math?

Well, if you just applied yourself a little bit more...

[Chuckles] But now is not the time. Continue.

Sweetie, I understand why you'd be curious about this.

And I want to do what's best for you.

I just think it's best to have this conversation later.

I don't think you're ready.

Christina...

Forgive me, but I've seen how important this is to Luke.

At the very least, he's ready to start talking about it.

Is it possible that you're just not ready to listen?

Please don't fire me.

Ah... well... [sighs]

I...

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm the one who's not ready.

I've just been been so worried.

What if you decide you'd be happier with a different mother, and a different family?

Is that what you're worried about?

Just because I want to learn more about my past, doesn't mean I want to replace you.

This will always be my home.

That's for sure. It's not like you're ever leaving for college.

Come on, Jessie, pick your moments!

Luke? I've imagined this conversation a million times...

And that's what I always hoped you'd say.

I have something for you.

I've been keeping it with your baby picture ever since the day we brought you home.

And I was going to give it to you later, but I think you're ready now.

It's from my birth mother.

Go ahead, Luke. Open it.

[Sighs]

What does it say, honey?

It's kind of...

[Chuckles] Great.

She says that she's thankful I'm going to live with such a wonderful family...

And that if I decide I want to meet her when I'm older, she'd like that very much.

She just wants me to be happy.

Also that I get my freckles from my grandpa Filbert.

So, she may not be a professional wrestler, but she sounds really nice.

And I know it's not the same as talking to her in person...

Yeah, but...

It'll do for now.

And in the meantime, I've got the best Mom in the world... you.

Oh. And I have the best son.

And the best nanny.

[Laughing]

True. Thank you Jessie, for all your help.

[Scoffs]

Now let's talk about appropriate work attire.

In conclusion, even though I now know more about my past...

What's important, is what I know about my future.

That I will always have an awesome, supportive family by my side.

So, if I can't be from Krypton, I'm glad I'm a Ross.

Woo-hoo!

[Cheering]

Aw, I'm glad that you're a Ross too.

Did I just say that out loud?

Honey, that was a beautiful report, I am so proud of you.

Me too.

Me three.

[Sobbing] Zuri, may I have a tissue?

Sure.

[Blows nose loudly]

I will just use my sleeve.

Luke, that was amazing.

I bet you get an "A" on this assignment.

Probably not.

I was supposed to turn it in yesterday.