03x26 - Jessie's Aloha-Holidays with Parker and Joey

[bunniefuu]

Jessie will be back from her TV audition soon.

When she does not get the part, we must be ready to cheer her up.

I just hope Jessie wrote to Santa about this part, because she needs all the help she can get.

Zuri, I know Santa magically delivers presents to every child on the planet, but some miracles even he can't pull off. (Elevator dings)

(Shrieks)

Guess who just booked a part on Aloha Crime?

Ooh, was it that new girl who lives down the hall?

No, it's the old girl who lives here with you!

Not that I'm old.

Tell your laugh lines.

Those are worry lines, and guess who gave them to me?

Anyway, I got the role, and the best part is, it sh**t in Hawaii.

I'm leaving tomorrow!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We are not the kind of people who make it all about us, but what about us?

Well, I talked to your parents, and convinced them that we should all spend Christmas in Hawaii together!

Yes. Whoa.

So much for Bertram having our Hawaiian villa all to himself.

We just got our first "glad you are not here" postcard from him.

So not only do we get to spend Christmas in Hawaii, but we get to crash Bertram's vacation and make him miserable? Yup.

The look of anguish on his face will be the only Christmas present I need this year.

But don't tell your parents I said that.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪
♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

I hope Bertram will be happy to see us.

I just hope he's wearing pants.

This place is awesome!

The pool is huge!

Jessie, that's the ocean.

Oh, that explains the whale.

Jessie?

Shaylee?

I can't believe it's you!

Shaylee Michaels broke into our villa!

I don't know whether to call the cops or ask her out.

Wow. Things must have really gone downhill for her since Mayan mayhem.

Let's give her a few bucks.

Oh! And you brought the sprogs with you!

But what are you doing in my villa?

Last time I looked, this was our villa, and we're here for Christmas vacation.

Oh, my gosh, are you my present?

Thank you, Santa!

I owe you a plate full of cookies!

He hasn't changed.

I think he's actually gotten worse.

And stronger. (Straining)

So, I'm confused. What are you doing here?

I rented this villa on a vacation website called winkle, winkle, little star.

Yeah. It even comes with a Butler.

Mademoiselle Michaels. Your holiday crudites.

(Gasping)

Aloha, Bertram.

(Wailing)

So I'm not quite sure what's going on here...

Well, Bertram wasn't expecting us, so obviously he rented the villa out to make a little extra cash.

That's horrible!

Why didn't I think of it?

So, you guys are here on vacation?

Actually, it's a working vacation.

Because I'm working. As an actor. I'm a working actor!

Yeah, got a little show called Aloha Crime.

That's awesome! So, how are you preparing for the role?

Interviewing local authorities?

Studying the island and its customs?

Actually, I just learned my lines and ate a pound of poi.

That explains that smell on the plane.

Well, no luck landing a place to stay.

The whole island is booked up for the holidays.

Bertram, I can't believe you rented out Morgan and Christina's villa.

You are gonna give Shaylee back her money right now.

(Inhales sharply) I'd love to, but I spent it all on essentials.

You know, food, clothes...

A dune buggy.

You know what? It's okay.

Yeah, I can just camp out.

Remember, I grew up in the outback.

As a baby, I used a scorpion as a pacifier.

See, all fixed! (Chuckles awkwardly)

No. I'll go make lunch.

Why don't you stay with us?

Really?

Oh. Thanks, Jessie.

I can't wait to stay up all night with Shaylee!

Me, too! We need a third for go fish.

You just don't get it.

(Laughs) Shaylee, you can bunk with me.

Oh, yay! Another sleep over!

I'm gonna put your bra in hot water, and your hand in the freezer!

Okay, we need to review sleepover shenanigans.

Okay, Shaylee, honest opinion, who wears this better? Huh?

Frankly, you both look ridiculous.

I told you the antlers were too much.

What the hula?

This is Parker and Joey Rooney.

Their family is visiting from Wisconsin and renting the villa next door.

They've been coming over... a lot.

We try to walk that fine line between fan and stalker.

Like right now, I'm fighting the urge to take your used tissue out of that trash can.

Oh... keep fighting it.

Shaylee, let's go tell Bertram he has two more kids to feed.

If you can't get your money back, you might as well see him cry.

Ooh. Hello.

I'm Joey. And you are one tall drink of tropical punch.

I'm Emma, and I feel really bad for those coconuts.

Hey, buddy, can you tell me if she's single?

Yes, she is. Good luck with that.

Why is he staring at me like that?

Well, they eat a lot of cheese in Wisconsin.

Maybe he's just backed up.

Well, then I'm going to leave before he blows.

Dude, stop it. You're embarrassing yourself.

(Scoffs) No, I'm not. I am wooing her.

This is how you woo.

He isn't too bright.

Yes, we have one of those in the Luke model.

So, who wants to check out the island?

Ugh. Count me out.

I'm not sure my fair Wisconsin complexion can handle that harsh Hawaiian sun.

I'm heading out for a swim.

Anyone want to come with? Race ya!

Hey, Shaylee, after lunch, do you want to come see where I'm sh**ting my scene tomorrow?

It's actually right here at the resort.

Yeah, sure!

Oh, uh, do not be afraid, Shaylee.

Just think of Mrs. Kipling as a doggie, with k*ller claws, razor-sharp fangs and poisonous saliva.

Actually, maybe you should be afraid.

Nah. Wild animals don't scare me, I scare them.

(Shaylee hisses)

(Mrs. Kipling farts)

(All groaning)

Oh, you really did scare her.

Bertram! Can you bring some paper towels?

And a Hazmat suit?

See? I told you Mrs. Kipling ate my homework!

I hope you're not expecting me to check that.

So, this is where you sh**t your first scene?

Yep. I play a mainland FBI agent helping the local cops with a homicide at this luau.

It's a hula-dunnit!

Hula! Get it?

Got it.

If you guys are here for a luau, you'll have to come back Christmas Eve.

They're sh**ting some silly TV show.

(Chuckles) Aloha crime is not silly.

Surfer's digest gave it two boards up!

(Both greet in Hawaiian)

My name is keahi.

Oh, that means "fire" in Hawaiian.

My name is Ravi, which means "sun" in hindi.

So, I guess you could say we are both hot stuff.

Wow, I found someone who is willing to talk to me!

This is turning out to be the best vacation ever!

Wow, you set the fun bar really low.

I like that in a guest.

Can I interest you in one of our nature walks?

I talk about the history of the island, then I juggle jellyfish.

Tipping is allowed.

You mean right now?

'Tis the season.

I am not sure what is appropriate...

That'll do. You can give me the rest later.

So, here is a legend of our local volcano.

When angered, it erupts!

Much like our resort guests when they find out about the parking fee.

Actually, volcanic eruptions are caused by the buoyancy of magma.

And your local volcano is dormant. Boom!

Dropped that knowledge like it was hot lava.

So you already know a lot about our island.

I'm not giving the tip back.

But every year we pick one very enthusiastic resort guest to be the narrator for our Christmas Eve luau.

Oh. That sounds wonderful. I hope you find somebody.

Oh, did you mean me?

Sorry, I have never been picked for anything before.

Yeah, I kind of got that vibe.

Oh...

Ooh, what have we here? Huh.

A coupon for back hair removal?

Maybe I'll be hitting the hot tub after all.

(Laughs)

(Children laughing)

What's so funny?

Oh. Just a prank we pulled on you.

What's so funny about a piece of fishing line attached to a coupon?

Well, the coupon is covered in stay stuck glue, and that fishing line is tied to that jet ski.

(Jets ski starting up)

(Screaming)

(Water splashing)

(Zuri laughing)

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

That's based on the misery of others.

You two are like a couple of menehune.

A mene-who-now?

Menehune. They are Hawaiian pranking elves who live in the forest.

Are they the ones who tricked you into buying that outfit?

I am just lucky I found all of this in my size.

You know what's not lucky?

My eyeballs.

Just for that, if it rains, I will not make room for you under my hat.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but your brother might be even more embarrassing than mine.

It's not just Ravi.

These tourists will open up their wallets for anything.

Hey, I just had a great idea!

Let's throw some sand in a jar, slap a price tag on it and see if these suckers bite.

The joke's on you. I got the coupon after all.

The joke's on you. The coupon expired last week.

What?

(Sobbing)

Ha! I wiped the floor with you, Luke, and I learned how to play basketball from my sister, Maddie.

That explains the sports bra.

The only baskets you made were when I went to get a drink of water.

And you did not call the time out!

That last sh*t. Whoo... Was nothin' but net.

Yeah, nothing but net.

Right after it bounced off a palm tree, a lifeguard's head, and a very surprised seagull.

It still counts.

Wow, Bertram, that's a big meatball.

It's a basketball!

Why would you cook a basketball?

I despise you, Luke.

You too, weird kid who keeps coming over.

Hmm, not bad.

You're still gonna eat that?

Of course I'm gonna eat it!

Hey, Joey. How's your sunburn doing?

Great! My blisters are starting to fill with pus!

Wanna see me pop one? My record is two feet.

You must be so proud.

(Laughing)

I'm sure Emma appreciated the pus report.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

She probably thinks I'm a brain-dead zombie goofball.

That's not true.

She knows you're not a zombie.

Hey, man, maybe I can give you some pointers on how to impress Emma.

Thanks, buddy. I just hope they're better than your three-pointers! Boo-yah!

I'm gonna go get a pen!

Are you really going to help him date your sister?

Yeah, I'm gonna help him...

Embarrass himself.

That'll teach him to sh**t his mouth off about his bogus win.

You're not going to try and stop me, right?

As long as I don't have to clean anything up, knock yourself out.

Jessie, I'm guessing you're feeling nervous about your sh**t tomorrow.

What makes you say that?

I remember you telling me that doing origami helps calm you down.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I guess I went a little overboard.

I think our plane tickets home are somewhere in this mess.

You know, Jessie, I was really nervous before my first acting job, too.

Really? What did you do to get over it?

Well, actually, I was three.

So I felt a lot better after I made boom-boom.

I'll think I'll stick with the swans.

You know, Jessie, if you need help tomorrow running lines, or if you just want me there to cheer you on, let me know.

Really? Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Supportive hug!

(Clears throat) Okay, I'm not great at math, but there seems to be an extra set of arms in this hug.

Hey, you can never have enough support.

Get out, before I fold you into a swan.

Whoa, somebody needs to make boom-boom.

(Laughing)

(Clearing throat)

Get your Christmas sandy canes here!

And try our ocean breeze in a bottle.

Makes a great holiday gift!

You expect people to buy this junk?

These are just empty ketchup bottles.

And you didn't even bother to wash out all the ketchup!

Thank you, sir, enjoy! No refunds.

Oh. I want in.

I have to pay Shaylee back, plus I have to buy that guy a new jet ski.

Okay. We'll let you in if you can find some way to sell these.

This is the fourth year in a row you've given me coal for Christmas!

It's not coal.

These are rocks we found near the volcano.

We just haven't figured out a way to market them yet.

I know!

I can make a whole boy band line.

I'll just slap pretty boy faces on these things, and sell them as new rocks on the block! (Laughs)

That's dumb.

Makes more sense than bottles full of air.

The man has a point.

Plus, I cannot suck down one more bottle of ketchup.

Oh! Bertram, I told Joey Emma loves bugs.

Watch this train wreck.

It'll put you in the Christmas spirit.

I don't have time for childish games.

Now tell me, did I get the hair right on Justin timberslate?

Just when I thought you couldn't get any weirder.

(Exhales)

Wow. Emma. You do not have any hair on your toes at all!

Right. Because I'm not from the shire.

You know, that pedicure reminded me that the American cockroach sometimes feeds on human toenails.

What?

(Luke snickering)

The cockroach has also been known to feed on eyebrows, eyelashes and (clears throat)

The hair of sleeping children.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh. Really? Well, while you're in the bathroom, take time to think about the amazing housefly, which defecates every 4.5 minutes.

(Imitates expl*si*n)

(Laughing)

What is wrong with you?

You're, like, the high-waisted jeans of people!

Luke, you told me she loved bugs!

No, I didn't.

You must have misheard me.

I said Emma loves, uh...

Pigs.

Pigs?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the dirtier the animal, the better.

If it rolls in its own filth, it's up Emma's alley.

Pigs!

That makes so much more sense!

Thanks, Luke. You're awesome!

You need to find a better use of your time.

Says the guy gluing a goatee onto a rock.

I can't believe I'm about to be on network TV for the first time!

If you don't count being on the news for falling down that manhole.

The guest star began to prepare for her television debut, seemingly unfazed by past failures.

(Clears throat)

Uh, Ravi, why... why are you talking like that?

I am going to be the narrator for the Christmas Eve luau, so I am practicing narrating.

Well, be a little more narrator, and a little less nar-hater.

And the narrator's leaving after being rudely admonished.

Hi! You must be playing our FBI agent vickers.

I'm Kevin randolf, director/producer.

Oh! I'm Jessie Prescott, actress/singer.

I'm so sorry I'm late!

I was wrestling with Mrs. Kipling.

She's a biter.

Luckily, so am I. (Cracks)

Shaylee, I'm so glad you made it.

Wait. Shaylee Michaels?

Kevin randolf. Producer/huge fan. Oh...

I loved you in teen beach zombie hunters!

Right? When that guy broke her heart and then she ate his?

Both: Loved it.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm here to support my friend, who is guest starring on your show.

We have a guest star?

Hello? Me!

Shaylee, you have got to be in this scene.

Just having you on screen would add tons of viewers!

We're a little light on talent this episode.

Again, standing right here.

That's very flattering, but I'm just here to support Jessie.

Oh, well, I'm sure Jessie wouldn't mind if agent vickers had a partner.

Would you?

No. Of course not!

No. I would love for Shaylee to be in my scene!

No. I don't know... it's your big day.

I insist. My first scene with my most famous friend!

All righty then!

This is going to be fun!

It will!

Not giant lizard wrestling fun, but fun!

Then it's settled! Shaylee, let's go get you a gold star for your dressing room door and a giant fruit basket I like fruit, too.

A fruitless Jessie watched them leave, as a brighter star emerged on the horizon.

Duh-duh...

Don't you dare finish that ominous musical sting!

Duh!

Stop! You're turning this place into a pig sty!

(Pig grunting)

Really should have seen that coming.

(Pig squealing)

Whoa! An actual pig in a blanket!

You said Emma loves pigs, so I got her one of her own.

What do you think she'll say when she sees him?

(Emma screaming)

(Squeals)

That's what I was hoping for.

Don't touch that, you swine! That's couture!

Hi, Emma!

This is that beautiful girl I was telling you about.

This little piggy was about to become roast pork at the luau, but I rescued him, for you.

For me?

Aww! That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me!

You saved a life!

You're like a fireman. Or the fashion police.

Luke: Uh...

Emma, it's a pig!

It rolls around in its own filth and it eats garbage.

So do you.

At least the pig's pink and cuddly!

Throw a little glitter on this thing, and it's my dream pet!

Thank you, Joey!

(Pig grunting)

They both look so happy.

Epic fail!

So, what are we going to name him?

How about Hamlet?

I love it!

It's classy, and it acknowledges his pork heritage.

Judging by the juice spatter, I'd say this hula girl was pineappled between 3:00 and 4:00 A.M.

Time to find this perp and make him go... aloha.

Cut!

Jessie, that was amazing!

Thank you.

Yes, yes, great, but, Shaylee, I loved the emotion you showed in that scene.

Oh, you want emotion? I can make myself cry. Just give me 30 seconds to think about my dating life, and I can turn this whole crime scene into a splash zone.

Charming. So, Shaylee, I feel like agent vickers' partner needs a monologue here.

(Laughs nervously)

(Stammers) But I have a monologue in this scene.

Are you saying you want to give Shaylee my lines?

Oh, no, no! Not all of them.

Judging by this juice spatter, I'd say this hula girl was pineappled between 3:00 and 4:00 A.M.

Time to find this perp and make him go... aloha.

Uh... cut!

(Bell ringing)

Hmm, the scene didn't quite work.

I agree.

Yeah. Me, too. I told you I shouldn't have these lines, they're Jessie's.

Don't worry, I'm going to make Jessie the most important character in the entire m*rder mystery.

(Chuckles) Now we're talking!

Actually, I'm not talking... or breathing.

Right, because you're a corpse.

Can't you see, you're the center of the whole mystery!

I can't see anything, because I'm face down.

Look...

This is all wrong.

Yeah, you're a little too high-strung to be a corpse.

I'm going to go with the dummy.

So, what role would you like me to play?

The role of the fired actress.

What?

You're f*ring me, but keeping Shaylee?

Of course, she's a star.

What is this, your first job in TV?

Yes!

And it should have been my first fruit basket, too!

So, Jessie, what important new role did he give you?

The corpse.

But the only lines the corpse has are the chalk ones around it.

Exactly. And when I brought that to his attention, he fired me.

What? That's terrible. What can I do?

You've done enough. Okay? Don't talk to me, don't follow me, and I never want to see you again.

Jessie, are you still mad?

What do you think? (Sighs)

I think you're having a bit of trouble getting comfortable.

Yeah, well, it's kind of hard to sleep with a Kn*fe in your back.

Well, I guess I'll just be sleeping on this chair.

Unless I get up to get a glass of water, and you steal the bed, like you steal everything else.

Jessie, I didn't mean to ruin your big break.

I am really, really sorry.

I thought you were my friend.

I am your friend.

Well, then I'd hate to see what you do to your enemies.

I don't have any enemies. You do now.

Luke: Ladies, ladies, please.

It kills me that you two are fighting.

I want my future first and second wives to get along.

Both: Get lost.

See? I've already got you girls on the same page.

Another group hug?

Hey. It's my job to throw a pillow at Luke.

Or are you gonna take that, too?

Ha. I'm warning you.

I was the star of pillow fight club.

Yeah, I saw that on the clearance rack.

Oh, it is on. Oh!

(Grunting)

Maybe Jessie's dream didn't come true, but mine sure did.

Maybe putting Bertram in a loin cloth was not our best idea.

Yeah, he makes a terrible menehune.

He's more like a maxihune. (Both laughing)

Get us some customers.

Okay, okay.

Ooh, watch me juggle these.

Don't bend over!

Bertram, you're supposed to pull customers in, not scare them away.

And yet you put me in a diaper.

I have a better plan.

(In dakotan accent) Oh, land o' goshen, those are some beautiful rocks now, don't you know.

Thank you, total stranger.

Would you like to buy some?

You betcha.

Everyone is gabbin' about how much luck these rocks'll bring ya.

And they're right. The more you buy, the luckier you'll be.

Oh...

And I see you got 'em dressed up like boy bands.

That is so darned precious. (Chuckles)

I think I'll take the entire set of one di-rock-tion.

Here. Here's your cash. (Laughs)

Good work, Fargo.

Aloha, kids.

I see you got yourself a little business here.

Yes, ma'am. Would you like to buy a lucky lava rock?

Absolutely not.

Those rocks are part of this island, and this island is a living, breathing thing.

Just like your friend here.

You wouldn't sell pieces of him, would you?

Depends on the offer.

That's cold.

My point is, no one in Hawaii sells these rocks.

Oh, man, did you hear what she just said?

I sure did.

We're the only game in town. Yes.

Get your exclusive lucky lava rocks.

We're going to sell the whole dang island.

(Rumbling)

Bertram, you've got to lay off the coconut milk.

Jessie, do you want me to help you get dressed?

Or at least scrape the dried food off your robe?

It's not all food. That's puss.

Always stay at least two feet away from Joey.

Aloha crime is a stupid show anyway.

This job was supposed to be my big break, and now I'll never get another one.

Sure you will. You always bounce back.

Just like you did after you were expelled from that improv troupe.

And fired from that understudy role.

Or when you almost b*rned down the set of that infomercial.

Are you guys done cheering me up?

I just want to know why nothing ever works out for me.

(Hamlet grunting) And why there's a pig here in a sailor suit.

Jessie, I met this amazing, sweet guy... He's not in the Navy, is he?

No. I'm talking about Joey.

He's romantic and quirky.

Oh, Jessie, someday I hope you'll find a guy who cares enough to steal you a pig.

A girl can dream.

Look, guys, I really appreciate this pep talk, although it was oddly lacking in pep.

But ever since I moved to New York, I've been pounding the pavement trying to become an actress, and... It just hasn't happened.

You need to give it time.

I've given it three years.

It's obviously never going to happen.

Don't say that.

What, the truth? That I'm kidding myself?

That's it, I quit acting.

Okay, I give up.

Okay, honest opinion.

Who wears this better?

Sweetie, we're in the middle of a crisis.

Now, is not the time for silly costumes.

Well, then someone should tell admiral oink.

(Hamlet grunting)

We made a fortune off my boy band rocks.

We made even more off my legends of country collection.

We sold out, but I couldn't bear to part with quarry Underwood.

You guys, I'm really worried about Jessie.

She's so depressed, she won't even leave the villa to eat.

She's surviving off the stains on her bathrobe.

(Rumbling)

Did you all hear that?

It wasn't me.

Correct. It is something even bigger and more expl*sive than Bertram's intestines.

The sun?

No, the volcano.

According to my lava locator app, this supposedly dormant volcanic formation has been experiencing a freakish escalation in seismic activity.

What is he talking about?

(Sighs)

Sleepy Mountain go boom.

(All gasping)

Finally. A delayed reaction, but an appropriate one.

Because it is highly likely we are all going to perish.

If it's dormant, why would it suddenly start erupting?

There is no logical, scientific explanation.

But keahi told me that if you offend the island, the volcano will get angry.

How can you offend an island?

Say, "that beach makes you look fat"?

No, by exploiting its natural resources.

For example, by selling lava rocks.

(Gasps)

What?

Selling a bunch of old rocks isn't going to make a volcano erupt.

Maybe not by itself.

But if someone also picked the forbidden pua aloalo blossom...

What does that look like?

Like the thing behind your ear.

Uh-oh.

But what enrages the island most is if you steal the local fauna.

Emma, hammy misses you. Aww.

Whew. Good thing hammy is a pig and not a fawn.

No, fauna is latin for animal, which includes pigs.

They're too dumb to live.

Let's grab some pool noodles and swim outta here.

(Volcano rumbling)

Smart kid, tell us what to do.

First, learn my name.

We have been hanging out for four days now.

Sorry... ralphie? Randy? Ricky? Doug?

And second, legend says that we must take all the purloined items to the precipice of the crater to make restitution for our ecological transgressions.

Doug. Please, speak English. This is an emergency.

He's saying we need to go up to the exploding volcano and apologize to it.

Thank you, Bertram. You're welcome, Doug.

Now, let's go.

(Farts)

The volcano.

Actually, that one was me.

I've need to drop some lava rocks off at the crater, if you know what I mean.

Oh, hey, Luke.

How'd you know I was back here?

Christmas trees don't usually wear sneakers.

What you doing?

Hiding in shame.

My last prank actually made the victims happy.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

Oh, you think you feel bad?

I'm here while Shaylee is off playing my part on a big TV show.

You know what? Move over.

(Sobbing)

I just can't live with the humiliation.

Get used to it. When all is said and done, Luke, life is just one big, long, dark tunnel of failure.

Yikes.

Ugh, I'm exhausted.

I can't walk another step.

We've only been walking for three minutes.

Well, it feels like four.

(Volcano rumbling)

(Hamlet squealing)

Poor hammy.

(Squeals)

Are your hoofies hurting?

Emma, you really should not baby him.

Don't you want him to grow up to be a strong and confident hog?

Of course, but right now he's a piglet, and he really needs his daddy's love and support.

It's a pig. The only thing he needs is an apple in his mouth and a nice honey glaze.

(Squealing)

You are a terrible aunt.

Enough with the porcine parenting.

We must get to the volcano.

But it's so far.

Okay, the crater of the volcano is right below us.

It reeks. It's like we're trapped inside a hot fart.

Been there. The zipper on my sleeping bag jammed during my scout troupe's chili cook-off.

I had to burn those pajamas.

You picked a real winner.

Honey, sometimes a little mystery in a relationship is a good thing.

Just make your offerings, so we can appease the volcano and get out of here.

Throw in the rocks.

I'll miss you, Joey fistone.

Oh, I can't.

Just toss it in. What?

See ya, quarry Underwood.

It's your heart that's made of stone.

They're rocks. Unlike you, I have friends who are people.

And now the flower.

Poor flower. Everything beautiful must die.

Except me, hopefully.

Oh, why won't it stop rumbling?

(Squeals) It's upsetting hammy.

We need to take him home.

Well, uh, this is awkward.

The last thing that must be thrown into the volcano is...

The pig.

(Gasping)

(Hamlet squeals)

You expect us to hurl our baby into burning hot lava?

I suppose you could lower him down slowly, but that just seems cruel.

There is no way we are sending our beloved Hamlet to a fiery, yet delicious-smelling death.

I am sorry, but there is no other way.

Maybe the island will accept a heartfelt apology.

We're supes sorry! Forgivesies?

(Rumbling stops)

See, it worked.

(Rumbling loudly)

(All screaming)

Ravi: Dear gods, it's erupting!

(Screaming)

Where could they be?

Jessie, I'm sure they're fine.

They're probably just playing a prank on you.

And they left me out because I've lost my pranking mojo. Okay.

I think they went on a hike to apologize to the island.

Is that some weird day trip you guys offer?

And where would one go to apologize to an island?

To the volcano.

(Rumbling)

What? Why didn't you stop them?

In my defense, I didn't know if they were coming or going.

Aloha means hello and goodbye.

Jessie, there you are. Please, can we talk?

I can't. I need to get to the mouth of that erupting volcano.

No, no! It's not worth it. It was just a TV role.

I mean I have to save my kids, who for some incredibly stupid reason went up there.

The only way you'll get up there in time is by helicopter.

Where am I going to find one of those?

Hey, there was one in the scene that I just sh*t.

Great, let's go.

Wait. They added a helicopter scene for you?

Just a little one. Sorry.

If it makes you feel any better, my character got pushed out and d*ed.

So they needed another corpse and no one called me?

This is why I quit the business.

We must make a break for it.

Oh, now we have to run?

This is officially the worst Christmas vacation ever.

(Yells) The lava is coming up the stairs.

Now the lava can climb stairs?

It's evolving. Game over, man.

I can't believe I'm going to die with the frizzies.

I can't believe I'm going to die with unopened Christmas presents.

I can't believe I'm going to die surrounded by children.

Give me that squealing sausage and rib sampler. No!

You are not throwing our baby into the volcano.

Who said anything about throwing him in?

I'm not going to the afterlife on an empty stomach.

Now give me that pig! No!

Give him to me!

Where are they?

Do you see anything? (Vomiting)

Just my lunch, and what appears to be very old chewing gum.

Even though you just barfed, I'd, uh, still kiss you.

Yeah, you might want to reconsider.

(Breathes heavily)

Works every time!

You've done that before?

Oh, look, I see them.

Okay. Hang on, we're going down.

Oh, and my breakfast is coming up.

(Shaylee vomiting)

Ow! Get off me!

How dare you try to eat Hamlet?

Where is your Christmas spirit?

Oh, right, like ham on Christmas is such a crazy idea.

(Loud rumbling)

We are doomed! Emma...

I just can't believe we're never going to get to see our little porker grow up.

I know.

I was so looking forward to spoiling the grandpiglets.

(Hamlet grunts)

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

I will treasure the time we've had together for as long as I live.

Which, according to my calculations, will be approximately two minutes.

(Hamlet squeals)

Joey...

I'd rather have two minutes with you than a lifetime with anyone else.

Even Chris hemsworth?

Is he here?

Forget him. And two minutes...

Actually, one minute and 21 seconds.

It's still enough time for a goodbye kiss.

Oh, goodie. I mean, cool babe.

Take him now, he's peaked.

Look! Look! A rescue helicopter.

It's Jessie.

Huzzah, we are saved!

Ha-ha. But not yet.

We still have time for a kiss.

Can't you just, like, circle around a few times?

Hey, hey, get away.

You know the saying, women and children last.

Well, at least if he goes first, we will know the ladder is sturdy.

I'm just glad he's not wearing his menehune outfit.

You know, when I thought we weren't going to make it off that volcano, my whole life passed before my eyes.

I sleep a lot.

Doesn't hammy look like a little angel?

(Hamlet grunts) Beyond.

So, uh, Emma...

Remember when we were up on the volcano, things were getting kind of crazy, and we almost kissed? (Laughs)

We almost kissed.

Oh. That. (Hamlet grunts)

So, don't you think we should, like, I don't know, pick up where we left off?

Okay.

Why didn't you lean in?

Why didn't you lean in?

(Scoffs) Because I'm the girl.

Well, I'm the nerd.

Wow.

Look, Joey, if you're going to move to New York, you've got to be a little more assertive.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who said anything about me moving to New York?

Well, how else are we going to co-parent Hamlet?

Why can't you just move to Wisconsin?

So many reasons.

One, it's shaped like a mitten.

And two... actually, that's enough.

I don't even need to go to two.

How dare you?

Hamlet is coming with me to New York.

A pig belongs in a penthouse.

Joey: Why should you get him?

I'm the one that stole him.

Exactly.

I can't let him be raised by a common swine snatcher.

Well, then you'll be speaking with my lawyers.

Because he belongs to me.

No, he belongs to me.

Actually, he belongs to aloha catering.

(Hamlet squeals)

But they're letting us keep him as our resort mascot.

Hammy! Don't forget to text.

He didn't even look back.

In his defense, he has no neck.

I know what will cheer you guys up. Nuts?

Oh, thanks.

Joey, don't. It's probably just one of his lame pranks.

Don't worry, Emma. I got this.

Huh...

Your stupid fake snake didn't even pop out.

(Laughs) And that's because the snake's not fake.

(Hissing)

(Screaming)

I'm back!

(Laughing)

Nice twist on an old classic.

And we made 20 bucks selling him that snake.

And we'll make a lot more selling the antivenom.

Well, flying into the fiery jaws of death sure does make our issues seem petty, doesn't it?

Not really.

But thank you for helping me get the helicopter.

Okay.

Look, Jessie, I will say this one last time.

I am truly sorry for taking your part.

Okay? I'll clear my stuff out of the villa, and you'll never have to see me again.

Shaylee, wait.

(Sighs) I know you didn't mean to hurt me.

Okay? I'm not even mad at you anymore.

I'm mad at myself, for wasting so much time on this stupid dream.

I guess I just don't have what it takes.

No. That's not true.

I know talent when I see it, and you have got it.

What? You really think so?

Absolutely.

The hardest part about acting isn't the acting part.

It's dealing with the rejection, and never giving up. That is what takes guts.

Well, I guess I don't have that kind of guts.

Are you kidding me?

You dove straight into an erupting volcano.

What takes more guts than that?

Diving into Luke's laundry hamper.

Jessie, please do not give up on your dream.

But I've been... promise me.

Okay, I promise.

Thank you, Shaylee.

Aww.

Luke.

Will you ever give up?

Sure. When pigs fly.

(Grunting)

Unless that pig takes off, it doesn't count.

And that is the story of this beautiful island paradise.

Hawaii, a magical place where one does not own the land, but lives in harmony with it.

Let's hear it for our fabulous narrator, Doug.

(Audience applauding)

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone.

Let's start the show.

(Rhythmic music playing)

(Belches)

(Music stops)

A fire-breathing dragon. That's awesome.

I saw enough fire when we flew over that stupid volcano.

(Volcano rumbling)

I meant smart, nice, pretty volcano.

Gentlemen, join us for a traditional Hawaiian dance, after stopping at the traditional Hawaiian tip jar.

(Music resumes)

(Cheering)

Come on, girls, let's show them how it's done.

(Cheering)

(Playing slow tune)

Look, everyone, it's snowing in Hawaii.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Uh... I do not think this is snow.

It's ash from the volcano.

Are you sure?

(Coughing)

Yup. That's ash.

Jessie, shouldn't you be stopping them?

Eh, it's cleaner than the snow in New York.