04x01 - But Africa Is So... Fari

[bunniefuu]

Bertram, we're out of milk and eggs and food.

Our refrigerator is emptier than Ravi's trophy case.

I can't go shopping in this weather.

It's sunny and 72 degrees.

Which means an 80% chance of having to smile at people.

No thank you.

Woe is me. Next week, I must run the 50 yard dash.

Which is cruel, pointless, and flies in the face of the universally accepted metric system!

Speaking of cruel and pointless, I have a science project due.

Hey, let's just cut school.

I mean... (Coughing) We're sick.

(Coughing)

Guys, come on.

You can't run away from something because you don't wanna do it.

Says the girl who ran away from her own wedding.

I didn't run.

I couldn't with the high heels and the train.

Have you heard from Brooks since the non-wedding?

Not a word, but I'd be happy to hear from him.

(Phone beeps)

Ahh! An email from Brooks!

Wowzers. Perhaps she can run the 50 yard dash for me.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

I feel so bad for poor Brooks.

Being dumped is no picnic.

You should know. You've been at that picnic many, many... many times.

Not this time.

Brooks' email was so sad. Look.

"Africa is great and I hope all's well with you."

Clearly, he's devastated.

He is! Read between the lines!

It's only one line.

There's nothing to read between!

Obviously, I need to apologize to him again, but sending an email is too impersonal.

I should talk to him.

Okay, Bertram, can you watch the kids while I'm gone?

As long as they're standing directly in front of the TV, no problem.

Have you guys seen Jessie? She's been gone for hours.

I already tried calling her. It went straight to voice-mail.

Oh, I'm not calling her. I'm checking the webcam I set up in her bedroom.

No, she's not in there.

There's just a sign that says, "Luke, you're a pig. And you're groon-ded?"

That spells "grounded." Read a book.

I checked her calendar, and she has nothing going on today.

Or tomorrow... Or ever.

This is even sadder than my calendar.

At least I have my upcoming Reptile Club soiree.

I'd call a tie.

Look, this tab is open to Brooks' animal sanctuary in Africa.

Hey, Bertram, have you seen Jessie?

Well, I try not to see any of you.

But I did hear her babbling something about going to talk to Brooks.

How? He's in Africa.

Who knows? She just told me to look after you all, so, if you run with the scissors, try not to use my good ones.

Ha! Joke's on him.

I use those to clip my toenails.

There was enough toe jam to fill a jelly jar.

Okay, this is strange.

Jessie becomes unhinged after receiving Brooks' email.

Then, upon viewing his website, she decides she needs to talk to him?

So she leaves, and tells Bertram to take care of us.

Which means, Jessie has gone to Africa because she's still in love with that loser Brooks!

But why would she do that?

She's got so much going on in New York!

Like her acting career, her dating life...

OMG, she's never coming back!

(Snoring) Bertram...

Bertram!

Ow! Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, that hurt!

What did you rip off me?

A note the kids left you and part of your unibrow.

"Dear Bertram. Jessie's gone to Africa to be with Brooks.

"Going there to stop her."

Wait, why would they think I went to Africa?

What did you tell them?

Just what you told me!

That you wanted to talk to Brooks.

On my phone! Which is the only place I have his number.

That's why I dropped it off to get fixed!

So they went to Africa for nothing?

(Laughing) That's hilarious!

Ow!

Now that's hilarious!

Also, now you don't need to go to the doctor to get that wart removed.

So, Zuri, how does it feel to be back in the land of your birth?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Scratch that. Hunk at 12:00.

We came to get Jessie back. Focus!

Oh, Momma's focused.

Ross kids?

What are you all doing here?

Wait, are you a mirage? 'Cause I get heat stroke here like twice a week.

Okay, Brooks, where is Jessie?

How should I know? I stopped keeping tabs on her when she said, "I don't," instead of, "I do."

She must not be here yet.

Well, she did fly (Gagging) commercial.

Why is Jessie coming here?

Because she's still in love with you!

What?

I know. Personally, I don't see it.

I mean, you have the bone structure, but you don't have the freckles to back it up. So...

Brooks! The fence on the rhino enclosure broke!

You have to fix it before Rory the Rhino gets out again!

What if he tries to cuddle with another bus?

Yeah, we gotta get him a girlfriend.

Kids, this is Kami, our sanctuary's veterinarian.

Kami, this is Emma, Luke, Ravi, and Zuri, from America.

Hi.

All: Hi.

Well. Nice to meet you, Kami.

Thanks for making that 18 hour plane ride worth it.

Watch it. I can neuter anything in five minutes.

So, I've got five minutes?

I'll go fix the fence.

Hey, kids, you want to take a tour?

On the way, we'll talk about this Jessie thing.

Sure! Great!

Where's the limo?

Back in New York. Here, we travel by jeep.

Oh, is that an African word for limo?

Have fun! I've got to get back to Jenna the Giraffe.

She's about to give birth.

Ooh! A baby! Can I hold it?

Well, you can try, but it'll be about six feet long, slimy, and smell like the inside of a giraffe.

Stink doesn't bother me.

I just took an 18 hour flight sitting next to Luke.

All I can smell is my nose hairs burning.

So tell us, are you going to steal Jessie back or not?

Of course not! It's over between us.

It is? Well, that was easy.

Take us back to the jet. They have macadamia nuts!

Hey! I smell French fries. Can we stop at a drive-through?

Ooh, the only fast food around here is whatever's running away from the cheetahs.

The smell is coming from the truck.

Ah, so the engine must run on bio-fuel.

Oh, that means you put organic matter into the engine and it converts it into energy.

Ah, ah, ah. That sounds suspiciously like science, and I'm on vacation.

Ravi, you know the rules.

On vacation, we only talk about sports and Mila Kunis.

That's right.

(Elephants trumpeting)

Zuri, wasn't that birth beautiful?

Why didn't you tell me to back up?

You said you wanted a closer look.

And I got it. I am never having children.

That was the circle of yuck!

Oh, Zuri, thank goodness you're okay!

And very slimy.

I just helped birth a giraffe.

Bertram, what's your excuse?

It's 110 degrees! Next time, run away to Antarctica!

Yeah, or here's an idea, don't run away at all!

Ooh, let's not be hasty.

It was an emergency! We thought you were leaving us for Brooks.

I am not getting back together with Brooks.

Bertram, you are never allowed to talk to the kids again.

Done and done.

Hi, I'm Kami. You must be Jessie.

Yeah. Oh, you recognize me?

I can't believe my toe fungus commercial made it all the way to Africa!

No, it's because of all the pictures of you Brooks put up.

Aw, to remember me by?

No, to throw darts at.

50 points for hitting a nostril.

I knew it.

He's still heartbroken.

Uh, actually...

And who can blame him?

I mean, he was one "I do" away from all of this.

Poor sweet lug. He'll probably never recover.

If I don't get some fluids and an ostrich burger, I'll never recover.

Do you know where the rest of the kids are?

Or anyone who wants to hire a butler?

Oh, they're with Brooks out on the savannah.

I'll have someone take us there and we can show you the beautiful African countryside.

Aw, thank you. That'd be great.

As long as we don't pass any pregnant animals.

Oh, and Jessie, no need for us to have "the talk" anymore.

I'm gonna be an old maid like you. Twinsies!

That's a real dart in the nostril.

(Buzzing)

These mosquitoes won't stop biting me!

Curse my perfect, sweet blood!

You should've used the bug spray.

No! It stinks. Almost as much as our coming here for absolutely no reason.

Yeah, that was stupid.

Mosquito?

No.

Luke, check it out! I've constructed a bug zapper from spare parts.

(Fly buzzing)

(Fly buzzing)

(Device zapping)

Boom! And that is the miracle of science, son!

Luke?

Luke!

Luke?

Oh, no! You have been taken away by the giant bearded vulture to be eaten and regurgitated to its babies!

I shall avenge you!

Luke: Thanks, Ravi, but I'm just up this tree, picking some fruit.

Oh, thank goodness.

I talk a big game, but I am actually terrified of birds.

Well, you may have taken care of the mosquitos, but I'm getting us dinner.

Guess you're not the only smart one in this family.

(Branch cracking)

(Screaming)

Gravity and I beg to differ.

Is that blood?

No, it's tamarind juice.

Further evidence that fruit and vegetables are the enemy.

Hey, Emma, thirsty?

Parched. What kind of juice is this?

Tamarind and armpit. Squeezed it out of my shirt.

How refreshing.

(Car arriving)

It's Jessie!

Kids! Oh, I'm so happy to see you!

How dare you go all the way to Africa by yourselves!

This is worse than when I lost you in the Mall of America.

At least then you were still in America!

It was all Bertram's fault.

He did imply that you came here.

Oh, so you listened then, but when I was locked in my bathroom for a weekend, screaming, no one heard anything?

Oh, we heard.

Hi, Jessie.

Brooks, hey.

Bet you never thought you'd see my face again.

Unless there were darts sticking out of it.

Yeah, look, about that...

I understand. I left you on our wedding day.

Of course, you're still heartbroken.

No, I'm really not.

Uh, Jessie, I need to tell you something.

Not now, Emma. I'm trying to let Brooks down gently. Again.

Jessie, trust me, I'm over you.

Oh, Brooks, Brooks, Brooks...

Denial isn't just the river Bertram peed in on the way over here.

Can we talk about this later?

I have to finish fixing the fence to keep Rory the Rhino in.

Plus, these mosquitos here are huge!

That last one had a saddle!

Hey, who used the battery pack from my drill to make a bug zapper?

It is I who will take the credit for that.

Great, you drained the battery.

Now I can't fix the fence!

It is Ravi who will take the credit for that.

Forget about the rhino fence.

We've gotta get out of here before sundown.

What happens then?

We become the early bird special for the lions.

And they really clean their plates!

Get in the truck! Get in the truck!

(Engine evvying)

(Lud crunching) All: Ow!

Ugh! That sounded like Bertram when he bends over to pick something up.

Oh, no! The fuel t*nk got punctured by this branch.

How did this happen?

I am not one to cast blame, but Luke did it!

(Lion roaring)

Was that my stomach? Please let that be my stomach.

We'll all be in that lion's stomach if we don't get out of here!

Sweetheart, get everyone back into the truck.

A-ha! You called me "sweetheart."

You do still love me!

I was talking to Kami! She's my girlfriend!

Awkward.

Fun fact.

This is the farthest I've ever traveled to be humiliated.

Wait, so, Kami is your girlfriend?

How could you move on so soon after our wedding?

You moved on during our wedding.

Then why did you send me that love note?

You mean my email that said, "Hope all is well with you"?

I read between the lines.

It was only one line!

Told ya.

And I sent the same email to 100 people.

Yeah, yeah. Let's just move on past that.

(Lion roars)

Speaking of moving, can we do that?

Because I do not want to become a giant cat toy for a giant cat!

Unless you have a way to replace the fuel, we're stuck here.

What we need is some organic matter, i.e. animal excrement, which can then be converted into combustible material for propulsion.

Sports and Mila Kunis! What is not clear about that?

Ravi's right! Maybe I can modify the engine to turn animal waste into energy.

So, in other words, you're gonna make this truck poop-powered.

Oh, I get it. Like the time I stood on my skateboard, and made it move by farting.

No, nothing like that.

I say we offer Luke to the lions and make a run for it.

Bertram, you and the kids stay in the truck.

We'll go scoop up some poop.

Kami, as a vet, I'm sure you're used to that.

And as a nanny, I'm sure you are, too.

Hey! I'm 11!

She's 11!

Ugh!

You know, you could have warned me you had a girlfriend.

You could have warned me you were coming to visit.

I didn't come to visit!

I came to get the kids.

And to think I was worried, you were devastated.

Well, I'm not.

Yeah. Yeah, we've established that, so...

Yeah.

You know what? This stinks!

I know. I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out about Kami this way.

No, no, no, no. I mean, this stinks!

What do these animals eat?

People who stop to chat.

Good talk! Yeah, mmm-hmm.

(Groaning)

Ew!

Heavens!

Nasty!

I've smelled worse.

I've dealt worse.

Bad smells aside, look at how beautiful Africa is.

The rolling hills, the sound of the swaying grass...

(Rhino roaring)

Rory the Rhino coming towards us!

Okay, kids, don't panic.

Just try to stay as calm as Bertram.

Oh, I'm not calm. I'm paralyzed with fear.

On the inside, I'm doing this.

(Screaming)

We are about to be pummeled to pudding by a pachyderm!

Whoa!

(Roaring)

Oh, Brooks, Rory is gaining on us!

We need to pull a "Jessie."

Yeah, we need to pull... Wait, wait, wait, wait. What does that mean?

To suddenly run away.

You two have an inside joke about me?

We all do! Who cares? Step on it!

Hey, he can have whatever he wants.

You left him!

You tell her, honey!

Oh, she's "honey" now? Let me ask you this, honey, has Brooks ever given you one of his neck massages?

Yeah, sometimes.

I taught him that. You're welcome.

Could you possibly hash out your differences later?

I could use some help.

Not now, Ravi!

And another thing... Ravi? What... What are you doing back there?

Oh, knitting a pair of leggings!

What do you think I am doing?

(Rhino roaring)

Running for my life!

Help me in! Stop the car!

No! We can't afford the extra weight!

Seriously?

Here. Get it. I'll get in the back.

Here. You okay?

Define "okay." On the bright side, if we run out of gas, I have plenty of bio-fuel in my pants.

Look out, rhino at 6:00!

(All screaming)

Must go faster! Must go faster!

(Screaming)

Careful not to rip my scarf!

Yes, that's top priority right behind keeping this rhino's horn out of my eye!

(Rhino whines)

Wow, Jessie, that was so brave.

Thanks. Compared to catching a cab in New York in the rain, that was nothin'.

Wow, Ravi, you were really haulin' it out there!

Run like that, and you'll do fine in the 50 yard dash.

And that was in my walking around sandals.

Imagine how fast I could be in my running sandals.

Imagine how popular you would be if you stopped wearing sandals.

Oh, and I know what I'm going to do for my science project.

I'm gonna make a poop-engine.

I am not helping you with that homework.

Jessie, I know it must have been a shock that I'm dating your ex-fiance, but, I hope we can be friends.

Of course we can.

By the way, have you met Brooks' mother?

No. (Laughing)

Good luck with that.

Mother is the real reason I wanted to come all the way to Africa.

And it's still not far enough.

Well, have a safe trip back.

Thanks.

You know, Jessie, it was really great to see you.

Even though I made a total fool of myself?

Not a total fool.

Okay, maybe three-eighths of a fool.

Whatever number it was, I'm really glad you came.

Me too, because it gave me another chance to say how sorry I am for running out on our wedding.

It's okay.

You know, it all worked out for the best.

I found my soul mate in Africa, and you, uh...

Got a heat rash. Thanks for asking.

Oh, you know what helps with that?

Baby powder. I'll go get you some.

That's why he smells like my great-aunt Edna.

Jessie, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm actually really happy for Brooks and Kami.

Well, I'm happy for you and me!

Now we can be old maids together!

Thanks, Zuri, but as much as I love you, I don't think we're gonna live together forever.

So, I'm gonna be by myself on my private island in the Caribbean?

You know what? Boys are pigs. I'm in.

Okay, everyone, what is the most important thing to remember about this vacation?

All: Don't tell our parents.

Very good.

Wait a minute, something's missing!

You're right! Where's Emma?

Who cares? I'm talking about my bearded vulture tea cozy!

Emma, you're rumpled!

This is my new screen saver.

I had to get my scarf back from Rory the Rhino.

And he is not happy. (Rhino roaring)

But I am!

Looks like Rory's coming back for round two.

Time for us to "pull a Jessie!"

(Rhino roaring) Run!

(Screaming)

I found it.

I'm gonna nick name you Vultchy.

(Rhino roaring)

(Screaming)