04x02 - A Close Shave

[bunniefuu]

Guess what? Luke is shaving for the first time!

His face? Both hairs?

But they are just babies. It seems so cruel.

Our little Luke is growing up.

Soon he'll be applying to trade schools and, and getting his own probation officer.

Guys, this is an important rite of passage for Luke, okay?

We all need to support him.

(All gasping) Oh!

(All chuckling)

Luke, you look so handsome!

That shirt really matches your blood stains.

What did you shave with, a cheese grater?

Okay, so I might have lost a little blood.

But that's what bath mats are for.

Overall, I think I nailed it.

Why are you all spinning around?

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Luke, I'd like to apologize for being so insensitive this morning, so I got you an electric razor.

It won't cut you like that cheap plastic thing Jessie gave you.

Which also had tiny leg hairs in it.

Ugh!

My boy, welcome to the facial hair fraternity.

Remember, never overdo the aftershave, and be ready for the day when the hair leaves the head and starts growing from your nose and ears.

And in your case, shoulders.

Speaking of which, let's start by trimming that neck hair of yours.

(Whirring)

(Screaming) Bertram! Aah!

(Gasping)

Refill please.

What? What's wrong?

Nothing. It looks great! Doesn't he look great, Zuri?

He doesn't look worse.

I can't believe I have to return all these incredible wedding presents.

Alas, your dream of owning a Turkish towel warmer will have to wait.

Is there anything saying I can't keep just this one gift?

Only common human decency.

(Cell phone ringing) Oh.

It is Darla, your step-sister.

Oh. Ignore.

But she has gone from frenemy to family.

She is now framily.

I just don't have time to deal with all of her questions about my husband, and my wedding...

How long could that take? You have had neither.

Darla doesn't know that.

You neglected to tell your family that you did not get married?

I told them! In Morse Code.

Look, if Darla finds out, then she'll assume Brooks dumped me, and I'll never hear the end of it.

Kind of like you never let her forget that she pushed you down a well?

That's different! One word, leeches.

(Elevator dings)

Hi, Tony.

Hey. I'm here to ship out the wedding presents.

(Grunting) Whoa!

Did someone give you his-and-hers anvils?

Not everyone was considerate enough to give Jessie a nice, lightweight, used take-out menu like you did.

That's a used take-out menu in a frame.

And it's still my favorite present.

I've heard it's okay to keep one wedding gift.

I hope you'll choose this one.

Aww. Of course I will.

But this was really more of a pre-wedding gesture.

So the towel warmer stays.

(Both laughing)

What happened?

You look like you got in a fight with a lawnmower.

(Screaming)

Bertram must've done this when he shaved me!

Bertram was shaving you?

What goes on in that house when I'm not there?

I can't believe he and Zuri just let me walk outside looking like an idiot.

You always look like an idiot.

Now you just look like an idiot with a bad haircut.

I really think you should just tell Darla you did not get married.

After all, you always tell us, honesty is the best policy.

Mmm, not with Darla.

One time, she took a picture of me in my training bra, and put it where everyone could see it.

On the Internet?

No, on the base water tower.

And they say Texas is flat.

It's not like I'm ever gonna run into Darla in New York City.

(Elevator bell dings)

(Gasps)

Howdy, step-sissy!

Darla?

Wh... Why doesn't this ever happen when I mention Channing Tatum?

Jessie, I called you, like, 50 times.

Why didn't you pick up?

It's not like you have any friends keeping you busy.

Well, with enemies like you, who needs friends?

Good one, Jessie! Thank you.

Hi, there! Who's this little fella?

That's Ravi. You've already met him.

Texas? Your mother's wedding?

His giant lizard briefly dated your dog?

Oh, yeah! Of course!

(Laughs) That was creepy.

Sorry I missed your calls, Darla. My phone's not working.

(Cell phone ringing)

Huh.

Hmm.

You can't hear that?

What? Um...

Oh, you know what?

Sorry, I thought it was the ringing in my head.

It's been there ever since you threw me down that well!

Wow, it took only two minutes for you to bring that up.

Well, it took two days for them to bring me up.

So, don't you need to be getting back to the airport to catch a plane, or a flying monkey?

Actually, I have a two-night layover, and I'm spending all of it with you and your brand new hubby.

Great.

Um, actually, the wedding was can...

Candle-lit like a dream.

Hey, where's your wedding ring?

When you first posted a picture of it, I was like, "Wow, that is so fake."

(Elevator dings)

Oh, oh, it's real, and it's at a photo sh**t.

For the cover of BQ magazine.

BQ? Bling Quarterly.

Aah!

Uh-huh. And where's Brooks?

On the cover of IHQ? Imaginary Husband Quarterly?

That's ridiculous. Whoever heard of that magazine?

Sweetie, Brooks doesn't exist, does he?

You made him up so you could feel special, just like you made up having a Valentine every year.

Hey, dads count!

And BTW, here comes my hunky husband now.

Darla, meet Brooks!

Doo-doo, meet fan.

Luke: Bertram! Zuri!

Both: Hide!

(Whimpering)

Hello.

So, Bertram, why didn't you tell me you carved a moat in my hair?

I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

I'm gonna get you back for this, Bertram.

Huh?

You won't know how or when, but it will happen.

Yeah. And that goes for you, too, Zuri.

Zuri: There's no Zuri here!

Just us pots and pans.

Ow! And a corkscrew.

Wow! Jessie!

This place is way too nice for you.

You, too.

Why don't you go check into the Budget Hut on Queens Boulevard?

That place is nice!

They wash the sheets after every guest.

As if you would stay there.

You, Brooks Wentworth III, my rich, perfect husband.

Jessie, are you okay?

Yes! I'm just nuts about you, Brooks!

And so are all of the kids.

(Chuckles nervously) It is true.

We are cray-cray about Brooks.

(Whispers) I feel so dirty.

Yes. Darla does look dirty.

Why don't you show her up to the guest room so she can freshen up?

I don't think that's necessary.

(Sniffs) I do.

I do not smell anything.

Except a stinking lie!

Are you guys rehearsing some weird play I don't know about?

Look, I don't want Darla to know I didn't get married, so I need you to pretend to be Brooks until she leaves.

Please?

Jessie, I don't know how to fake being a rich guy.

The last time I opened my wallet, a moth flew out!

It's nothing you can't learn.

And luckily for you, I know the perfect teacher.

Welcome to Faking Wealth 101.

In this class, you'll go from sad-sack to NASDAQ!

I have no idea what that means.

It means we have a lot of work to do.

Jessie! Oh!

Look at what Bertram and Zuri did to me!

You could land a toy plane on my head!

Great! Hours of fun for everyone. I'm busy here.

What? What? But...

Okay, fine.

You get started without me. I'll be right back.

Come on!

Is that the new rich guy hairdo?

'Cause if so, that is a deal-breaker.

So, Jessie, your solution is tagging my head?

I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the tenth grade.

On the bright side, now Ravi will have someone to eat lunch with.

Okay, Luke, you know, you're a man who shaves now, so you can make your own decisions...

Oh, I have. I'm gonna destroy Zuri and Bertram.

Luke, please don't retaliate.

Why not?

Because it's childish and petty.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make Darla eat her rotten little heart out.

Hey, we're going to dinner with Darla in an hour.

So, how's it going?

Whoa, Tony, you're really working up a sweat.

It's not sweat.

What's your name?

Tony!

No! For the tenth time, your name is Brooks!

Hey, that's mean.

He's doing his best. Hang on, let me try.

Brooks, what is the most valuable painting in your collection?

I don't know. Dogs Playing Poker?

(Both screaming)

Stay away from us!

I've got a spatula here, and I'm not afraid to use it.

I just came in to watch TV.

What's on?

Coronary Country Cookin'.

They're making squirrel sausage with a road k*ll reduction.

You look great, Luke.

That shirt really goes with your very life-like liquid hair.

Oh.

Uh, now, is that matte or semi-gloss?

The TV is all yours, Luke.

You can watch anything you want.

Maybe you'd like a foot massage?

Give him a foot massage!

Why me?

You're younger! You have more years to forget the horror!

Well, you're older, so you have less time to be haunted by the memory!

You know, my feet are a little tired.

A massage sounds lovely.

Mmm. Ew.

Couldn't you have trimmed his toe hair while you had the razor out?

I mean, you should be a foot model.

Guys, relax.

Jessie said I shouldn't retaliate against you, and she's right.

So you mean you're not gonna get us back?

No, of course not. I'm not a child.

(Sighs)

You guys have a nice night.

Luke isn't done with us yet.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

You should know. All your dishes are served cold.

I can see why Jessie likes this place.

She's partial to food in baskets, being from a long line of carnival workers.

Not a long line.

One uncle.

And he ran the most honest bean-bag toss on the midway.

I, for one, am proud that our five kids will be part carny.

Wow, five kids?

Yeah. Teresa, Angela-Marie, Vinny, Carmella, and Tony Junior.

(Clears throats) I mean, Brooks Junior.

Yeah. The Fourth.

Your free-range corndogs are almost ready.

While you're waiting, maybe Brooks could tell Darla two or three fun things about his college days.

Yeah, Brooks is a Harvard grad.

Wow! I keep telling Jessie to get an education.

I loved college.

Flight attendant school is not college.

Then why did I get a diploma, and tiny little wings?

That's between you and Dustbowl Airlines.

So, Brooks, did you like Harvard?

Loved it. It was the best two years of my life.

Mmm-mmm. One year? 18 months?

He graduated early.

Yeah, he's so smart that he didn't need all four years.

Which, as everyone knows, is how long college takes.

(Chuckles) Jessie, may I have a quick word?

Excuse me. Oh, sweetie, while I'm gone, why don't you let Darla do all the talking?

So, Jessie tells me you own an airline?

I do? Boy, am I rich!

I really hope Tony doesn't mess this up.

Speaking of mess-ups, if you wanted Tony to sound like a Harvard grad, you should not have asked Emma to coach him.

Just tell Darla the truth.

What, that she's a banshee with a beverage cart?

The middle seat of people?

Oh, you mean about Brooks? No, not gonna happen.

Jessie, you married the perfect guy!

I love you both! I'll be right back.

What? Ugh!

(Chuckles) Okay! Whatever you said, you are a genius.

You're the witch whisperer.

Thanks! All I did is offer her a job at my airline.

What? You can't do that!

Yes, I can. I own the company!

No, Brooks owns the company! You're not Brooks, you're Tony.

Well, I wish you would make up your mind!

Where's a spray bottle when you need one?

Thank you.

Jessie, you don't seem very excited about my new job.

Look, Darla, there's no easy way to say this, but Brooks is...

A terrible boss. I can't let you work for him.

What? But he seems like an absolute angel.

Thank you, Darla.

Well, he's not. He has a horrible memory, lousy taste in art, and cannot follow simple, clear instructions.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, your step-sister can be very ungrateful, even when someone is doing her a huge, huge favor.

She's always been selfish.

One time, she threw herself down a well just to get attention.

Yes, who wouldn't want to be seen on national TV, fishing a leech out of their underpants?

I just felt bad for that poor leech.

Whoa! Whoa!

Brooks, just tell Darla she can't work for you.

How mean can you be?

This from the girl who told me a hornet's nest was a pinata.

Well, it was filled with lots of little surprises.

Brooks, I just hope you got a pre-nup, because you could do a lot better.

You know what? That's it!

Why am I still trying to impress you?

Uh, all of our lives, I have been so worried what you think about me.

But why should I care what you think?

I mean, you're mean and petty.

Cinderella had nicer step-sisters!

What are you babbling about?

Okay, the truth is Brooks and I didn't get married.

Finally!

So, Brooks, does that mean you're available?

This isn't Brooks. This is Tony.

Tony the doorman?

So you've heard of me?

So you made all of this up? What's going on here?

Uh, I was engaged to a billionaire named Brooks, but I called it all off at the last minute.

I didn't want to tell you, because even though I didn't get dumped, I knew you would still rub my nose in it.

I don't rub your nose in things.

Have I said one word about your pathetic excuse for an acting career?

Uh, you just did.

Well, you deserved it because you made me quit my job.

Okay, actually, uh, I do feel really bad about that.

Maybe you can get it back.

Oh, I don't think so. Um, here's the text I sent my boss.

Whoa!

Are you sure you're not from Jersey?

Darla, how can I make this up to you?

(Elevator dings) Well, you can start by giving me that watch.

And that necklace.

And those earrings.

And your shoes.

Wha... Wait! But we don't even have the same size feet!

I know. I just need something huge to put all this stuff in.

Let this be a lesson to you, Ravi.

Lying is never the answer.

Yes, when will I ever learn?

(Sighs)

I wish Luke would just take his revenge and get this over with!

The waiting is t*rture!

I know! I haven't closed my eyes once, even when I'm napping!

Yeah, and it's really creepy looking.

This afternoon, I thought you were dead.

And you didn't call someone?

What do you think, I have the coroner on speed dial?

(All screaming)

Man, you guys are jumpy.

I told you, you're forgiven.

Oh! By the way, Tony sent these up for you.

I'm not touching that thing!

What is it, itching powder?

Or a bunch of fake snakes about to pop out.

Beats me. What you ordered is your business.

Stand back! I'll take care of this.

You can't fool us!

Wow! You guys really don't like getting mail!

Wha... Oh, no. Oh, no!

My One Direction nesting dolls!

I just annihilated Niall!

(Gasps)

My Dolly Parton, Best Little Dollhouse in Texas!

No!

(Sobbing)

Huh. Jessie was right about not retaliating.

All I had to do was wait, and your own paranoia destroyed you.

Maturity rocks!

We just got outwitted by Luke.

I've never been more ashamed.

We both know that's not true.

Hey, Tony.

Hey. Sorry I messed up your plan.

I'm not a very good actor.

When I was a cow in the third grade play, I forgot my line. It was, "Meow."

You, you mean, "Moo"?

Ah, man!

See?

What I see is the sweetest, most understanding ex-boyfriend any girl could ever have.

And I should never have asked you to be someone else.

You're perfect just the way you are.

(Elevator bell dings)

Ugh!

(Gags)

Quit the act already. Where's a barf bag when you need one?

So, Jessie, I guess I'll be staying with you until I get another job.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

Actually, I got you your job back.

You did? How?

Well, I just called your boss, and explained to him that you were a deeply disturbed young woman who's willing to take a pay cut.

You're welcome. Thanks for nothing.

I'll go get my luggage.

Don't worry, I'll leave your shoes.

They won't fit in the overhead bin.

Actually, no need to go back up.

Bertram is sending your luggage down.

How dare you?

You are never getting an upgrade on Dustbowl Airlines.

That won't be a problem. I fly private.

Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.

Oh, Luke.

Now that you're finally old enough, I have a sweet surprise for you.

All right! All my begging has finally paid off!

Mmm...

Oh.

Look, this shaving kit used to be my dad's.

And now that you're finally becoming a man, I want you to have it.

Oh, this is cool! What do I shave with?

Oh, that's the best part.

With this bad boy right here!