04x04 - Moby and SCOBY

[bunniefuu]

Stop! This is not a coaster.

It is an antique version of solitaire I bought while we were on vacation.

So, your souvenir from Africa is something you have to play by yourself?

Hey, now you're an international dork.

My souvenir is being delivered today!

Just a little something I picked up.

(Elevator bell dings)

(All gasp)

Guys, this is Gladys. Her passport photo is just a neck.

OMG, she's so cute! Who does her eyelashes?

Okay, my lines are memorized, my hair and makeup are done, and my expectations are low.

Just like every other audition.

Kids, you behave and Luke, if you need to put a drink on the coffee table, please use Ravi's fancy coaster.

Okay, you guys see this too, right?

Zuri, do you have something you wanna tell me?

Good luck on your audition!

Anything else?

Oh! You mean the giraffe?

That's just my new stuffed animal.

It's very life-like.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Ugh! What is that?

It's broccoli. And for the last time, it can't hurt you.

No.

I meant this!

Oh, that's just my tea.

Well, throw it away, someone sneezed in it.

No, that's my SCOBY.

Emma, not everything needs a cutesy name.

Remember when you got a zit and you named it Zelda?

I try not to remember that dark day. (Scoffing)

And SCOBY stands for Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast.

You just put it in water to make a healthy tea.

And the longer you have it, the bigger it gets.

Kinda like Zelda the zit.

Who seems to be coming back.

And this time, she's bringing her friends.

(Screaming) No!

Hey, Jessie. How was your audition?

Horrible.

The part was a red-headed m*llitary brat from Texas, who moved to New York to become an actress.

They said I wasn't right for the role.

At least the character was not a nanny.

Oh, dear.

You know what? Maybe I should go back to school.

I've been thinking about taking some college classes, furthering my education.

Ah, perhaps a degree in childcare?

No! No, something useful.

Oh, this class looks good.

Semiotics and metaphor in comparative American literature.

(Scoffs) Someone is looking for an easy "A."

See? Isn't this fun, Gladys?

Now, let's put on the pants.

I don't want you Porky Pigging it out there.

Hey! Who cut a hole in my favorite pair of jeggings?

I mean, my only pair.

I mean, these aren't mine.

I needed something stretchy for Gladys to wear.

And trust me, I'm doing you a favor.

Just like when I cut up your pajama jeans.

Hey, Gladys, you're kinda cute.

(Laughing)

Oh!

Wow! She really loves you.

Yeah.

Must be because she bumps her head a lot.

Ugh!

(Crying)

Help! Help! Ooh!

What's wrong? Should I get Jessie, or someone helpful?

(Panting)

In the kitchen... It's horrible!

Luke, for the last time, broccoli can't hurt you.

It's not broccoli! It's Emma's Scooby-Doo bacteria thingy.

It's growing!

See for yourself.

You're being ridiculous!

(Screaming) Ahhh! No!

I told you!

Someone ate my hoagie!

Who cares?

I do! It had eight kinds of cheeses from all different countries, blending in perfect harmony.

The world could've learned a lot from that hoagie.

Forget your stupid cheese! What about the blob?

There is no blob.

What?

I swear! It was right there!

You've been watching too many sci-fi movies. Now, go to bed.

I've got cheese to mourn.

Thanks for nothing.

By the way, your hoagie was delicious.

You!

Ugh! Shouldn't that be in a giant hanky?

I had Dad's special effects people make this for me so I could freak Luke out.

(Laughs) Good one. It's about time someone got back at Luke for all his stupid pranks.

He shaved my head in my sleep.

Quit telling people that. No one believes you.

Hi! Professor Fisk? I'm Jessie Prescott, and I can't believe I'm in college.

I can't believe I'm teaching an adult ed. class over a Mongolian barbecue joint.

Okay, so it's college with a side of hoisin sauce.

But I am thrilled to meet a young person so excited to learn about literature.

Have you read my book, Gravy for My Sister? Hmm?

No, but it looks like a gravy boat full of fun.

I love literature.

I'm also a big fan of getting away from the kids I have to take care of.

Would one of these kids be about 5'4", wears socks with sandals and loves lizards?

Are you a teacher or a psychic?

He's right behind me, isn't he?

Hello, Jessie!

Greetings, new classmates, who I hope are mature enough not to noogie me.

Ravi, you're supposed to be in school.

Did some mean kids chase you here?

No, silly! I have enough credits to take a college course, so my teacher suggested I take this one instead of his.

But... He even drove me here.

And when he dropped me off, he said, "No backsies."

What do you think that means?

I think it means you corrected him once too often.

Fisk: Excuse me.

If you two are done, may I begin, please?

Our apologies, professor.

Jessie, please do not embarrass me on the first day.

Ah.

Okay, the noogie line forms behind me.

All quiet on the upstairs front?

Finally. It is not easy tucking in a giraffe.

Something's always sticking out.

You know, I've rather enjoyed having Gladys here.

That tall drink of water just seems to get me.

Yeah, she got me, too. Right here, when I refused to read her another bedtime story.

I'll tell you where the wild things are. In Zuri's room!

Jessie, have you finished Moby-d*ck?

I love Melville's abstruse and recondite prose! What do you think?

I think the whale on the cover is pretty.

(Gasps)

I do not know which is worse.

That you have not done your reading, or that you just judged a book by its cover.

Jessie, Gladys snuck out of my room again to find Bertram.

What is she? The world's tallest ninja?

I know this is hard to believe, but I think she likes him better than me.

Oh, Zuri, we all liked Bertram when we first met him.

Give it time.

Okay, SCOBY, I know you're here.

I can smell your stench.

No, wait... (Sniffs) That's me.

(Whimpering) Ooh.

(Whimpering)

Uh-oh.

(Screaming)

Get this off me! Luke?

(Panting)

That thing is alive!

Of course it is. It's bacteria.

It just keeps breeding, and breeding, until it's everywhere.

(Whispering) And you can never escape it.

'Kay, thanks, bye!

(Panting)

Jessie! Emma's tea slime is trying to take over the world!

You have to stop it!

Great, I'll put slime stopping on my to-do list, right after reading 20 chapters of Moby-d*ck.

19 of which are about blubber.

Jessie, Gladys and Mrs. Kipling's tea party just went south really fast!

(Crashing)

(Mrs. Kipling purring)

(Crashing)

I should have made more cookies.

A-ha! I found you!

Uh, was it that difficult?

I can't believe you two snuck off to the park without me.

Gladys, how could someone so tall stoop so low?

I'm sorry, Zuri, but the truth is, Gladys prefers me.

That's just because from up there, your head looks like a melon.

Rude.

Actually, Gladys and I happen to have a lot in common.

We both listen to opera while we dust.

It's kind of our thing.

You have a "thing" with my giraffe?

That's just disturbing.

Gladys, I can't believe you dumped me.

I'm starting to feel like Jessie.

(Yawns)

No! No, no, no.

I wanna sit in the back, so Professor Fisk doesn't call on me.

You did not finish the book, did you?

Honestly, you are one silent but deadly away from being Luke.

I didn't finish the reading because Emma's blob is after Luke, Kipling's after Gladys, Gladys is after Bertram, Zuri is after Gladys, and I'm up after midnight, wondering why I left Texas.

What did I tell you about the beads?

This Mongolian barbecue is great!

Count on nomadic people for good take-out.

Nomadic... People... Take-out.

Moby-d*ck is one of the greatest novels of American literature, rivaled only by my novel, Gravy for My Sister, which Mom's Christmas newsletter called, "A perfect stocking stuffer, and a darn good try!"

Yikes.

(Snoring)

Ow!

Yes, Miss Prescott?

Do you have a comment?

What... Uh, yeah. Yes!

I just said, "Wow!"

How 'bout that symbolism? Whales, am I right?

I do not think he likes you.

At least he didn't drive me to another teacher's class!

(Knocking on door) Ravi?

Here's your clean laundry.

Oh, I see you failed to get that stain out of Mrs. Kipling's tail warmer.

How many times have I told you not to feed her cabbage?

What can I do? She is cuckoo for kimchi.

Look, Ravi, the test is tomorrow, and even if I stay up all night, I'm afraid I might not finish this book.

Could I possibly borrow your notes?

No.

What? But... Please? I'll be your best friend.

Sadly, you are already my best friend.

Let me borrow your notes, or I won't give you your underwear.

Jessie, I will not rob you of the satisfaction of learning on your own.

I shall go commando!

Well, that will cut down on the wedgies.

Just what I needed.

A relaxing movie to take my mind off that spooky SCOBY.

(Motorcycle starting)

(Woman screaming)

Ah, that's nice.

(Sloshing)

Something tells me that's not butter.

(Gasps)

(Whimpering)

(Screaming)

Get... Get off me! Get off me!

(Gasps)

The SCOBY multiplied! Or divided.

I don't know, I'm terrible at math!

Help me! Somebody, help me!

(Screaming)

SCOBY-zilla!

(Breathes heavily)

Emma: Luke!

Why are you afraid?

SCOBY is your friend.

Accept it, and you'll be happy, like me.

Luke: Oh...

Um... You got a little something right there.

Isn't it a lovely skull-accessory?

Soon, everyone will have one.

Starting with you, Luke.

Um... Thank you, but I don't even wear a watch, so...

This is your SCOBY.

It'll be your BFF. (Breathes heavily)

Your Brain Feeding Friend!

No! No!

(Screaming)

What did you do that for?

'Cause you were having a nightmare.

Why didn't you just shake me awake?

Well, then you wouldn't be wet and I wouldn't be laughing.

Bertram, Emma's SCOBY is evil!

It's gonna eat my brain!

Oh, no. Then it's still gonna be hungry.

Bertram, please come get Gladys!

I have a test tomorrow and she keeps nuzzling my notes!

That is so her.

Forget the giraffe! We have to destroy the SCOBY.

Oh, we're not going to be doing that.

Why not? Because it's too powerful?

No! Because there's no such thing as a k*ller SCOBY!

Emma is just messing with you.

What? Well, Jessie, did you know about this?

Everyone knows! Even the giraffe was laughing.

I didn't quite finish the book.

The whale's gotta eat some people, right?

I just need a quick list of names.

Anyone?

Okay, I've passed out all your exams.

I'll be over here, working on the screenplay of Gravy for My Sister, even though no one seems to be interested in it.

Especially, Emma Stone, who is way too quick to call the police when you try to drop a script down her chimney.

Again, yikes.

Okay, uh, begin your exams now.

Ugh.

Oh.

Sorry.

No talking, please!

Oh, come on! Like I would cheat on a test!

Sorry, reflex from sitting next to Luke.

Mr. Ross!

I realize this used to be a muffler shop, but we do have a code of conduct.

Talking during a test equals cheating.

You get a zero.

(Screaming)

It burns! It burns!

Uh, Professor Fisk, Ravi didn't do anything wrong.

He's the most honest, brilliant student you'll ever teach.

He doesn't need to cheat.

It is true. I actually give suggestions on how to make tests harder.

Yes, I am not popular.

Look, I was the one talking, so if anyone deserves a zero, it's me, not him.

Works for me. You're off the hook.

And you, please go.

Well, can I get you some yummy barbecue and then come back?

Nice try. But you're through for the day.

Professor Fisk, I must say something!

Keep talking and you're out, too.

I cannot wait to read your book.

Bad girl!

(Mrs. Kipling purring)

Luke: Emma! Not now, Luke!

I'm lizard shaming Mrs. Kipling for clawing up the pillows.

Luke: Emma! Get out here!

Okay. But for the last time, I don't care how far you can hawk a loogie.

(Grunting)

(Gasps)

Wow, that loogie is huge!

It's not a loogie. Your stupid SCOBY is eating me!

This is horrible!

Emma, think of me when you use this for tea, since you'll be drinking me.

No, you'll taste disgusting!

Luke, this is all my fault. I'm so sorry!

Apology accepted.

Gotcha!

So I got slimed for nothing?

Mmm-hmm.

(Screaming)

Oh, no. (Grunts)

Now I have to pee.

(Groans)

Now I don't.

Jessie, where's my giraffe?

Oh, great. Another question I don't know the answer to.

You guys, Gladys is at it again in the screening room.

Oh, no! I'll get the shovel.

No, I mean, she's watching Out of Africa for like, the tenth time.

Well, it is an incredible film.

Meryl Streep is so great with... That's not the point!

See, when we go outside to the park, Gladys seems so happy, but when I bring her back to the penthouse, she always makes her sad face.

Well, that face is making me sad.

Bertram, maybe Gladys is homesick.

You're just saying that because you're jealous that she likes me more than you.

That's not what this is about.

I just want what's best for Gladys.

How do you know what's best for her?

Remember Zeebee?

When I realized he was lonely for other zebras, I sent him back to the zoo and now, he's really happy.

Jessie, what do you think I should do?

Well, if Gladys misses Africa so much, then maybe, she should go home.

Maybe you should go home! You and your stupid advice!

Glad I could help.

Jessie, I'll handle this.

You just relax, and try to forget that you got a big, fat zero on your test.

Sorry.

Jessie, I feel terrible.

I refused to help you study, and yet you still supported me in class.

You're a better friend than I.

It's okay, Ravi.

The truth is, I should never have tried to go back to school.

Yes, you should!

I know it is difficult to wrangle four needy children...

You're not that needy. I know. I was including Bertram.

Oh.

Therefore, I am going to put my siblings on notice that we all need to pitch in and help around here, so you will have time to study.

Thank you, Ravi, but I can't go back to that class.

Professor Fisk hates me.

Not true. I talked to him and he agreed to let you retake the test.

He did? What did you say to him?

I simply explained that you're taking care of a family while attending school, was akin to Ahab's epic struggle with the great white whale.

And that worked? No.

Oh.

I had to promise that Mr. Daddy would buy his screenplay.

Oh! Is there a part for me in it?

We can talk about that later.

Thank you, Ravi.

Aw, I feel really lucky to have you as a study buddy.

It is I who am lucky to have you.

And in the future, you are welcome to borrow all of my notes.

Now, can I please have my underwear back?

Depends on how good the notes are.

Sorry things didn't work out between us, Stretch, but I'm still gonna knit you that scarf.

It might take me a couple of years.

Okay, Bertram, time to say goodbye.

I don't wanna.

Oh, come on.

You're doing the right thing for Gladys.

And our carpets.

I know. It's just that I'm gonna miss her so much.

But think about how happy she'll be with all the other giraffes.

And after all, you still got us.

(Crying)

Okay. Well, make sure Gladys wears her neck pillow on the plane.

And make sure she sits in the emergency exit row.

She needs the legroom.

(Crying) Goodbye, Gladys.

Now who's gonna lick my head?

Both: Not it!