04x05 - Karate Kid-tastrophe

[bunniefuu]

Emma, turn that down!

Or get better taste in music!

Jessie, do something!

Chubby can't sleep. And when he's tired, he's grumpy all day.

How can you tell? He's got a sewn on smile.

Emma, open up!

Emma!

Keep it down!

I can't hear my music!

Everyone can hear your music!

New Jersey just called to complain.

Emma, this is intolerable!

Could you at least blast something with a banging sitar solo?

This is why you live your life solo.

He's not wrong.

Thank you for that.

Now I can just cry myself to sleep.

Worked for me in middle school.

Okay, listen, Emma...

You better turn that music off right now or you'll have to deal with a very cranky stuffed bear!

(Growls)

Quiet!

I warned you.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

(Vocalizing)

That song Emma was playing is actually pretty catchy.

So is the flu, but at least they have a sh*t for that.

Zuri! Hee-yah!

Oh!

You just re-scrambled my eggs.

Sorry. I'm just really freaked out about my belt test.

If I can't break that board, everyone in my karate class is gonna laugh at me.

I have got this.

Just pretend they are laughing with you.

And if that does not work, tattle.

Look, guys, I know we're all a little on edge 'cause Emma's been acting like a human fire ant lately, but I'm sure today she'll be back to her old sweet self.

Ugh! You guys are still here?

Emma, you cannot go to school dressed like that.

Everybody wears this.

What, is there a fabric shortage at your school?

No, you are gonna go back upstairs and change before I count to three.

Okay, I'm gonna count now.

Here comes the counting.

One. Yeah, I know.

One.

Two.

Two and three-quarters.

Three! (All gasping)

She's never gotten to three before.

What happens now?

I always assumed some kind of expl*si*n.

Must. Not. Hurt.

Kids.

George Spoony!

Okay, Emma?

I need you to go upstairs and change into something a little more... More.

Fine. I'll go change into a snow suit.

Good! Maybe you'll sweat out whatever's gotten into you!

Emma: (Yelling) Out of my way, stupid door!

(Loud slam)

When you and the kids fight, it's always my utensils that suffer!

Okay, Mrs. Kipling.

I'm going to take it easy on you because You're a begin... (Slapping)

Hey!

(Croaking)

Good thing none of the kids in your karate class have a tail.

Oh! Emma, how was your day?

Horrible!

And stop interrogating me!

Mine was great. Thanks for asking.

Is she gone?

That was the most harrowing elevator ride since Luke and Mrs. Kipling shared a jumbo, eight-bean burrito.

Yeah. With all that gas, the elevator went up before we even pushed the button.

(Blows raspberry)

Jessie, check out my history paper!

I received an A plus plus.

I completely ruined the class' grading curve and all my fellow students hate me.

Now, if you will excuse me, I must go invent a cloaking device.

Now who will help me practice for karate?

You're too busy, Ravi bruises too easily, and frankly, I'm afraid of Emma.

(Door slamming)

(Objects clattering)

Luke, you took karate.

You must have learned something.

Yeah, how to sneak out of class to the pizza place next door.

So that's why your breath always smelled like anchovies.

Emma: Stupid chair.

(Loud bang)

(Clattering)

Okay, I'm going in.

If I die, burn my diary.

Why? There's nothing juicy in it.

Why isn't there any coconut water?

Uh... Because we don't live in Fiji?

Emma, just because you're unhinged doesn't mean all the doors in the house have to be.

I got into a huge argument with my English teacher.

Did you dangle a participle?

Hey, I took a wild sh*t.

No, it was just because I was talking in class.

How could she not understand that I had to tell Rina that Chauncy told Britta that Lake and Jax told Vivica that Apollo likes her?

Why don't any of the kids in your school have normal names?

Just one "Sally" would be nice.

Then my stupid teacher got mad just because I told her she reminded me of the book we were reading.

Boring and heavy.

Gee, how could she be offended by that?

You know what? First thing tomorrow you are going to march in that classroom and tell that teacher you're sorry.

I can't do that.

Give me one good reason why.

She suspended me for a week.

I'm not cleaning that up.

There's a shock.

I can't believe Emma got suspended.

Me neither.

If I were you, I'd quit and move back to Texas.

That's what you always say.

Including last week when I stubbed my toe.

And yet, you're still here.

I mean, up until this point it's just been bedtime stories and bandaging boo-boos, but this is a whole other level.

We need to bring in a professional child care expert.

You mean like a nanny? Yeah, exactly!

The point is...

I don't know what to do.

Do what I do. Don't care.

After all, some kids are raised by wolves, and they turn out fine.

No, they don't!

They turn into weird, feral wolf-people who're too busy digging up their yard and chasing their tails to get into a good college.

Well, they still have a better chance of getting in than Luke.

Splendid news!

I was just re-elected president of the reptile club!

I b*at out a picture of Godzilla.

That's nice. Just be sure to wear clean underwear.

The problem is, I've been too easy on Emma.

I need to be more like my dad.

Are you going to make her wear a fifty pound pack and swim the Rio Grande?

No. Her scrawny arms could never handle that current.

Well, I see one must be a problem child to get noticed around here.

(Gasps) Ravi?

How long have you been standing there?

So... Exactly how is picking up your video games going to help me with my karate skills?

You dare question your sensei?

This simple task will help you find focus of mind.

I have also found a DVD marked "Jessie at the beach."

I don't know what you're talking about!

I would never make a secret video of Jessie frolicking on the sand.

Oh!

So that's why you asked her to run in slow motion.

Moving on.

It is now time to break this board.

I can't.

I'm afraid I'm going to hurt my hand.

Which is weird, since breaking stuff is my jam.

Visualize your hand going through the board.

I promise, you will not get hurt.

Hee...

Ow!

You promised!

Hey, I also promised Jessie I wasn't filming her at the beach.

Speaking of that, I've got a DVD to watch.

I'm worried about Emma.

She's been locked in her bedroom all day.

On the bright side, she's been in her bedroom all day.

No! I don't have any homework.

I'm suspended!

I'm going out.

Yeah, out of your mind!

Please tell me you fell asleep in some grape juice?

Starting to miss the whole "locked in the bedroom" thing?

(Exclaiming)

Is that a tattoo?

(Gasping) Oh, come off, come off, come off!

Hey! The only thing coming off is my skin!

What am I gonna tell your parents?

Oh! Oh! I got it!

We'll just cut off your arm.

Good idea. Because that's easier to explain than a tattoo.

Jessie, relax!

It's just marker. (Sighing)

To show the tattoo artist what I want.

Hold it!

You are not going anywhere.

Getting suspended from school also means getting grounded.

It's kind of a twofer thing.

You can't do that!

Yes, I can!

And just be glad I have such respect for our troops, or else you'd be on your way to m*llitary school.

(Gasping) You want me to wear camo and get a buzzcut?

What's next, sensible shoes?

Wait for it.

(Door slamming)

Maybe we should take everything off the walls until Emma goes off to college.

Or, let's be real, marries a prince.

Attention! Bad boy alert!

Not only am I 15 minutes late coming home, but at lunch, I put an unhealthy topping on my yogurt.

Full-fat granola!

(Whistles) You are quite the rebel.

Hide your daughters, people!

This is terrible, she's out of control!

I am a boy!

Oh, she was talking about Emma. Yeah.

Do you think I was too hard on Emma?

Or do you think I wasn't hard enough?

I just want to do what's best for her.

Well, Bertram?

What do you think?

I think, when you came out here and said "Bertram, can I talk to you?" I should have hurled myself off the terrace.

When was the last time you hurled anything?

Last time you cooked.

Jessie, I found this note from Emma.

And, in case you have not noticed, I dyed my hair from chestnut brown to acorn brown. Lock me up!

Oh, no!

Emma's run away!

Are you sure? Maybe it says, "Run to play."

She's not a very good speller.

No, it's right here in black and glitter!

We have to go find her.

BTW, I got my belly button pierced!

Well, it is only a clip-on, but it is still infected!

Wax on, wax off.

Wax on... Back off!

I'm fed up doing all of your chores.

Who do I look like, Ravi?

Meanwhile, I have my belt test in two hours, and so far all I've learned is that you're lazy.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

Prepare to defend yourself.

Bring it on.

I've been looking forward to this since you made me clean your toilet!

BTW, see a doctor!

(Scoffs)

(Grunts)

Wax on! Hee-yah!

Wax off! Hee-yah!

See?

Oh, I get it.

So all those chores you made me do were to help me with my karate.

Exactly!

And next, you will learn how cleaning my dirty socks will help you with your...

(Inhales deeply)

Breath control.

Again, see a doctor.

Okay, I've gone to every shoe store on the Upper West Side and no sign of Emma.

Well, I've been sitting right here and she hasn't come through the lobby.

You've just been sitting in that chair for two hours?

Of course not.

For an hour, I sat in that chair.

Well, obviously I don't have to worry about you running away.

I only run if something's chasing me.

(Phone ringing)

Oh! Maybe that's Emma!

Oh, no, it's Christina.

I can't talk to her while Emma's missing!

Don't worry. I'll take care of this.

Hi, Christina!

Yeah, she's right here.

I am going to wring your ne... Nice to hear from you, Christina!

Well...

Well, what's up?

Why is Emma making so many charges at the New York Tipton Hotel?

Uh, because we are having a girls' day!

Yeah, in fact we're in the spa right now.

So, Sven, what kind of massages do you offer?

No! Yes!

(Stomping)

(Groaning)

(In Swedish accent) Yeah, would you like the Swedish massage, or the deep tissue?

Okay, Christina, we will.

Yes, I know I'm responsible for my own tips.

Okay, Zuri, you got this.

Yup, I'm not nervous at all.

If I were nervous, I'd be talking fast.

Which I only do when I'm nervous.

Dang, I'm talking fast, aren't I?

Yeah!

And you were kind of spitting a little.

Now! Go out there and break that board!

Hello, Luke.

Ravi. What are you doing here?

Well, to demonstrate my new rebellious behavior, I ran away.

Unfortunately, no one noticed.

So, I decided to come here and support my dear sister.

Hmm.

Come on, Zuri. You can do this.

I can do this.

One.

Two.

Aw, her little hand was shaking.

Just like me when I hear the words "Time to pick teams."

We should have spent more time with the wood board instead of my surfboard.

I feel like such a big jerk.

Luke: Wait.

That gives me an idea!

I'm such a loser.

(Scoffs) Yeah.

I knew you'd never be able to break that board.

You did?

Yeah, you just don't have what it takes to get a yellow belt.

Oh, hey!

Maybe they'll give you a feather belt?

What's that?

It's just like a yellow belt.

But for chickens.

Who you calling chicken?

Well, if the feather fits...

(Clucking)

I'll show you who can't break a stupid board!

(Clucking)

Hee-yah!

Hee-yah!

Hee-yah! Hee-yah!

(Yelping)

Who's the chicken now?

(Chuckling) I knew you could do it!

You did?

But you called me a chicken.

A good sensei knows how to motivate his student.

I just needed to get you angry enough to forget how scared you were.

Thank you, sensei.

It has been an honor to learn from you.

Congratulations, Zuri.

I would like to give you a high-five, but I am afraid you will chop my hand clean off.

And it is difficult to play chess with a hook.

Emma? You open this door right now, young lady!

Make me, old lady!

Hey!

I put that seat in my shower because it is comfortable!

So help me, Emma Evangeline Ross, I will break down this door!

Please be a soft wood.

(Grunting)

Madam, there are less drastic ways to deal with a de-magnetized key card.

No, you don't understand.

I'm a nanny and one of my kids has locked herself in that room.

Well, I am the manager of this hotel, and we have a policy, "You break it, you buy it."

You owe me a new rib.

Oh!

Wait! I mean... Do you have any idea how annoying kids can be?

Oh.

Do I!

I worked with them for six years.

Three of them aboard a cruise ship.

Or as I like to call it... a floating reformatory with shuffleboard.

Once, I rode the Staten Island ferry.

Yeah, I puked right in front of the Statue of Liberty.

So you were both green. (Laughing)

You must text me that picture.

Wait.

Do you have any advice for me?

Yes. No running in my hallway!

Okay.

If there's one thing I learned from my "Voyage of the Doomed," it's that, with teenagers, sometimes, just being willing to listen is the best thing.

And if that doesn't work, I have a pass key.

Thank you, Mr...

Moseby?

You are very welcome.

Emma?

Jessie: Look, I'm really sorry.

Instead of just losing my temper, I...

Should have just asked you what's going on.

I mean, I wish my dad had listened to me before taking away my t*nk privileges.

Did he really make you swim the Rio Grande with a fifty-pound pack?

Yup. I still have dual citizenship.

Anyway...

From now on, I promise I won't yell, or...

Judge, or... You don't even have to come out.

But...

If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen.

Really?

Really.

Tell me what's going on.

I can't.

It's not that I don't want to, I just don't know what's going on.

One minute I feel normal, the next minute I'm angry and I just want to smash everything in my room.

Except my shoes. Duh.

Welcome to being a teenager.

You just don't understand.

Of course I do.

You know, I was 15 once, too.

Yeah, like, forever ago.

Yeah, back in the olden days, when we had to flip our cell phones open.

Does it ever get better?

Absolutely.

And, meanwhile, I think if we're patient and really listen to each other, we can get through this together.

Deal?

Deal.

Wow, nice room!

I'm sorry, Jessie.

Let's go home.

Not so fast.

Your mom thinks we're having a fun girls' day, so...

Why don't we order room service and get massages?

Great! (Laughs)

Do you have any cash for the tip?

No, no, no, I am telling you, Cody, it's uncanny!

She looks exactly like Bailey.

You want to come see for yourself?

Oh, dear!

Yo, Jessie!

Check out my hog!

Ravi?

What's going on?

And I'm assuming that's vegan leather.

Of course. I am a bad boy, not an eco-criminal.

I am just trying to get your attention so you will read my paper.

Oh, I read it! It was great!

I am so proud of you.

Thank you!

I just wish you had told me that before I joined that g*ng of motorcycle ruffians.

Apparently, they are going to "initiate me."

I am hoping it is just a very elaborate handshake.

Aw, you made friends!

Ravi, there's a gentleman named... Pickaxe waiting for you downstairs?

Jessie, I know I rocked that paper, but can you please ground me so I do not have to go all Sons of Anarchy with Pickaxe and his pals?

All right, you're grounded.

(Exclaims) Thank you, Jessie!

Okay, his teenage years I can handle.