04x06 - Basket Case

[bunniefuu]

So, Hillary told Vanessa that Amanda...

No, Vanessa told Hillary that Amanda...

Wait a minute.

I don't know any Vanessas.

This might have all been a dream.

I wake up every morning hoping the same thing.

Hey, Jessie, check out my new ringtone!

I recorded it in Africa.

(Lion roaring)

(Man crying)

It's Bertram afraid of a lion.

I play it whenever I need a chuckle.

Zuri, I'm trying to study.

But please forward that to me.

Zuri, are you wearing my earrings?

No, I'm rocking your earrings.

(Exclaims) Jessie, she boosted my bling!

Guys, I have an idea, why don't we all go inside and talk about this?

(Both arguing)

(Locking)

Suckers.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Ravi: Go Luke!

Put the spheroid through the cylinder!

Hey, Luke, your lame brother's cheering is almost as lame as your game, which is... which is... lame!

Well, look who learned a new word.

What does that bring you to, eight?

(Cheering) Terry: That's game!

Off the court, loser.

Ravi: Uh, Luke?

Might I join you fellows on the basketball field for your next inning?

(Chuckling) I don't know what's worse, always losing to Terry, or listening to you try to talk sports.

Oh, uh, excuse me, did somebody lose a yo-yo?

Whoa, that would be this guy!

Jessie? Hudson?

Hey there, brocita. Long time, no hang.

(groaning) You wanna hug it out?

Or fist bump, then blow it up?

Maybe a combo, with a Euro cheek-kiss thrown in?

How about, we don't touch... and I pretend I don't know you.

Come on, last time we saw each other wasn't so terrible.

You b*rned down our penthouse!

I said, "My bad"!

What are you doing here, anyway?

You know this is real college, and not a clown college, right?

I had to drop out of clown college after I failed my balloon animal midterm.

(Trembling) I still can't look a wiener dog in the face.

You should know, this is a really tough course.

Plus, you already missed the first two classes.

I know.

But Dave Matthews was headlining at the Hackensack Hacky Sack Festival.

Was I not supposed to go to that?

Nobody should go to that!

(Ethereal techno playing)

(On mic) Time for another journey into the action packed world of... of... of...

Political Science & International Public Affairs with an emphasis on conflict... resolution!

(imitates cheering)

(Teacher laughing)

(Students clapping) Man, he is awesome!

Dave Matthews should totally use his laser-light guy.

Okay, this next project is a big boy.

M'kay?

Now, you and a partner will have to negotiate a diplomatic solution between two countries that you must create.

M'kay? This will count for one third of your grade.

Whoa! That's like... half!

No, it's like... one-third.

Oh.

And since you two are such Chatty Kissingers, you can be partners.

Sweet! What?

Ravi: Okay, here is another reason you should let me play.

I am so horrific, that the other team will be too stunned to react, allowing you to score at will.

Face it, Ravi, you're too small.

Plus, you stink at sports.

That's why we used you as a base when we played baseball.

I was not a base!

I happened to fall and the runner stepped on me!

Jessie, what am I to do?

Don't fall down when you play baseball?

I mean, about playing basketball.

I just want to be one of the guys.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

How about I take you to the park tomorrow, and give you some coaching.

What do you know about athletics?

Hey, I was on drill team in high school.

Nerd. (Laughing)

I mean, thank you.

Okay, can we make this quick?

I have a school presentation to study for.

Lucky!

Ahh!

Man, the meatballs here are huge!

Sorry, my kid's not great at basketball.

Instead of doing lay-ups, he tends to lay down.

Oh.

Well, maybe I can help.

Hi, I'm Chris Paul. Oh. Mmm-hmm.

I play for the Los Angeles Clippers.

Oh. Okay.

Look, I don't mean to sound rude, but I've met a pro basketball player, and you could live in his shoe.

Give me that meatball!

I'm guessing that shoe had a basketball court in it.

Okay. I've done a lot of work creating my country.

We have an abundance of mineral reserves, numerous exports, and a thriving financial industry.

I've named it, "Jessylvania."

Jessylvania? Mmm-hmm.

More like Yawnsylvania, am I right?

Up-top. No.

I have no idea where that's been.

Okay, so, my country, Hudsonia, has a kick butt national anthem!

(Imitating guitar)

(Exhales)

If that guitar were real, I'd break it over your head.

So, all you've done so far is compose Hail Hudsonia?

Hey, writing music is hard work!

You just wrote "Woodelee-woodelee woo" 40 times!

Come on, Zuri. (Grunting)

Zuri, that's a cute dress.

It's not a dress, it's a shirt!

And of course it's cute, it's mine!

Now make her give it back!

There's only one way to solve this.

Hacky sack battle!

No hands, no mercy!

Guys, please solve this yourselves.

We're trying to work!

Hey, you guys wanna go melt stuff on the stove?

Both: Yeah! No!

You two, upstairs.

You, sit on the couch and try not to stain anything.

Okay.

Here is the conflict we have to resolve.

Your country was caught stealing gold from my country.

Tensions are high.

I'll say. I'll say.

Our assignment is to work out a peace treaty that benefits both of us.

That is exactly what they'd expect us to do.

Yes. It's the assignment.

Well, why can't the people of Jessylvania and Hudsonia settle their differences with a pizza party and a friendly drum circle?

Because international affairs are not solved with pepperoni and bongos!

(Elevator dinging)

Okay, Ravi, I'm gonna throw you a nice, easy pass.

Are you ready?

As ready as a mongoose at a convention for slow moving cobras!

I'm going to take that as a yes.

(Fence rattling)

Are you okay?

(Groaning) No. The ball is now wedged in my rib cage.

Although, technically, I believe that is a catch!

(Gasping) Yes! I made a basket!

Is there a rule against sitting on another player's shoulders?

I don't think so. It's never come up.

Okay, when I say "go," dribble to the other end of the court.

Ready? As ready as a...

Go!

Uh, you kind of forgot something.

Oh, right.

It is not my fault.

The ball did not follow me.

It's a ball, not a schnauzer.

This is pointless.

I am tiny and uncoordinated.

I am a double non-thr*at.

Hey, if I thought that way, I would have never become a pro.

What do you mean?

Growing up, I was always the smallest guy on the court.

But I didn't let that stop me.

Being the best is also about hard work and commitment, just as much as talent.

Did you read that on a poster with a kitty hanging from a branch?

Dang! That was hurtful.

I am sorry. I know you are trying to help me.

And I will keep on practicing.

Good. And if you need anything, feel free to call me.

I shall. Thank you.

Now, I am going to practice sh**ting!

Uh, Ravi?

Oh, right.

Hey, Ravi.

How's the basketball practice going?

(Laughs) Does this answer your question?

Ravi: Whoa! (Repeated thudding)

(Glass breaking)

Unfortunately, yes.

Ravi just bounced past me on the stairs.

FYI, his arms are where his feet should be.

On the bright side, it'll make tying his shoes easier.

Zuri, what were you doing in my room?

I was just returning all your clothes.

No need for follow up questions.

Hold it.

Why is your backpack full?

It's, um... homework?

School rocks!

No. No.

Ugh! I knew it!

Okay, that's it, my room is now officially a Zuri-Free Zone!

Stay out, or there will be consequences!

Fine! I'll just go to my room.

Good!

Wait...

Out!

Eh, worth a sh*t.

Okay, I'm almost finished with the...

Are you juggling?

No, I'm "Juggly Sacking."

It's the national sport of Hudsonia.

Really?

And I thought the stupidest thing about your country was its flag.

Chillax.

I plan on wowing the crowd with some traditional Hudsonian entertainment while you do your whole boring Jessie-buzzkill thing.

Which you are nailing, by the way.

Forget it. I've done all the real work.

All you have to do is sign this.

Wait, so my country is just giving back all the gold?

That doesn't seem fair.

Both sides are supposed to benefit.

And they do. My country gets its gold back, your country doesn't get blown off the map, and we never have to be partners again!

Win-win-win. Now, sign!

I'm sorry, but on behalf of Hudsonia, the Rocker-In-Chief cannot sign that.

Then Jessylvania will use its vast m*llitary might to crush you!

Well, then, Hudsonia will unleash its k*ller dragons on Jessylvania!

You don't have dragons! Read the material!

Luke: Ooh! Ha-ha! Yes!

One more point and we finally win!

Oh, yeah?

You're going down like my grades!

Wait, did you just insult yourself?

Maybe.

Terry: Let's make this interesting.

Whoever loses has to dress like cheerleaders and root for the winners.

Ha! You're on!

But I better warn you, there's a lot of spelling in cheerleading!

Ow! (Groans)

Ow! My ankle!

Too bad.

If you can't play, I guess you guys forfeit.

Wha...

No, no, no. Not so fast!

I can still play.

(Wincing) Bad idea!

Get your pom-pom's ready!

Hold your poms!

I shall replace Luke!

Ravi, what are you doing?

Do not fear.

I have been practicing.

When I sh**t, it is nothing but Lent!

Nothing but "net!"

Lent is a holiday.

And we'll declare a new one if you ever make a basket!

Trust me. I can do this.

Oh, all right. If I'm lucky, I'll pass out from the pain, and I won't have to watch.

Yes!

Aren't you kinda puny to be out here with the big boys?

Well, we shall see.

But before we begin, I must go stretch!

Time out!

Wow!

I haven't seen him run that fast since he was late for the science fair.

Wait a minute.

It's not even locked?

Something's up.

Oh, hey, Bertram.

You know, I left my phone in Emma's room this morning.

Is there some contest to find the thing I care least about in this world?

Can you please go get my phone?

Fine, but only because I have to drop Emma's laundry in there.

(Exploding)

(Giggling)

Ah-ha!

Bertram?

You're stealing my clothes, too?

(Laughs) If that's true, you're kidding yourself.

There's probably something in your closet I could pull off.

Now that is how you resolve conflict, people!

We're up next. And now, thanks to you, we don't have anything to present.

And, no, your napkin flag does not count!

Hey, you're the one bogarting all that shiny gold!

That's why my country calls your country "Jerksylvania" when you're not around.

Jessie!

Oh, I didn't realize it was bring your weird friends to class day.

I am so sorry, Professor.

What are you guys doing here?

And why does Bertram look like somebody scrapbooked him?

Because you shirked your nanny responsibilities, Emma and Zuri's fight blew up in my face.

Literally.

But you came all the way to my class for this?

No, there also happens to be a great Mongolian barbecue joint downstairs.

Miss Prescott, I am trying to teach a class here!

And can you get me a number five combo?

I'm so sorry, this'll just take a second.

Look, Zuri, you should not have taken Emma's clothes without permission.

It's wrong.

Just like when Hudson's country stole my gold.

Ahem!

And, Emma, you should be flattered.

I mean, clearly, Zuri looks up to you and wants to be like you.

Zuri, is that true?

Well, yeah.

I mean, everyone always says how amazing you dress.

And, I kinda wanted them to say that about me too.

But, I'm sorry I took your clothes.

Aw, that's okay.

From now on, I'll share.

Ooh, cashmere.

Don't even think about it.

You know what, Hudson, I just realized something.

I told Emma to share, but I haven't been willing to do the same thing.

So... how about Jessylvania lends you some gold until your economy recovers?

That would be awestacular!

We just blew our entire defense budget on black light posters and lava lamps.

Please don't make me regret this.

Sorry, Jessie.

And I'm sorry I made you do all of the work.

How about, in exchange for your gold, Hudsonia gives Jessylvania ten rockin' dragons?

For the last time, you do not have dragon... Deal.

Hey, wait, we just made a compromise that benefits both countries.

That was the assignment!

Did we pass, Professor?

(Imitates echoing) No... no... no...

Besides interrupting my class with children and a sparkly manservant, you made a mockery out of international affairs.

But besides that, pretty solid, right?

You both get an "Incomplete."

But don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to make it up, because I'm partnering you two up for the rest of the semester.

What? Sweet!

(Crying)

Ravi, I got your call. What's the emergency?

I finally got to play in Luke's game!

Oh, no!

Wait, isn't that a good thing?

I thought it was, but when I stepped on the court, I froze.

That's tough, but I'm in the middle of my own game.

If I don't get back before halftime, Blake's goin' be trying to play point guard, and nobody wants to see that.

Ravi...

Chris Paul is helping you stretch?

What's next?

Is Carmelo gonna help you tie your shoes?

Actually, 'Melo wears Velcro shoes.

The loop thing sort of confuses him.

Mr. Chris has been tutoring me in the way of basketball.

But now I've let him down.

Come on, Ravi. I know you can do this.

Remember what I said?

Yes, but you are gifted with many things that I lack.

Such as speed, athleticism, and the ability to run without getting nauseous.

Hey, everybody has some kind of natural talent.

What are you good at?

Well, he's good at math.

Well, that is great!

There's math in basketball.

When you sh**t, you have to figure out the best angle for the ball to go in the hoop.

Plus, the arc the ball makes is actually a parabola.

Wow. Chris, you're really good at math.

Yeah, but don't tell my teammates.

They'll be trying to make me do their taxes.

Very well, I shall give it a try!

I am back.

Finally.

I was going to send a search party.

Because you were... lost!

Burn!

Ravi was right.

He is terrible at trash talk.

Terry: Hey!

Is that CP3?

The sassy golden android?

No, it is Chris Paul!

Fine. Your ball out.

Okay teammates, form an isosceles triangle!

Or mill about aimlessly, as you wish.

I caught it!

Great! Now try sh**ting it!

What is he doing?

That's the face he makes when he does math!

For a second there, I thought he was gonna hurl.

(All cheering) Ravi: Yes!

That is game!

Way to go, Ravi.

Ravi, that was awesome!

From now on, you can play with us anytime.

Thank you, Luke.

The only thing I feel bad about is that I should have been the one to help you.

Although, you did have a pretty good coach.

Got that right.

Thank you, Mr. Chris.

But, do you not have a game to get to?

Oh, yeah, I better hurry.

Halftime's almost over, and I don't want to miss the orange slices!

Come on. Show me something hard.

Okay, try this.

Or we could just work on sh**ting.

I do not hear any cheering.

Two, four, six, eight, who did you annihilate?

Next time we b*at the Lakers, we should make them do that.

I feel rather bad for them.

Should we let them stop?

Okay.

Oh, but first, let's make 'em do the pyramid.

(Laughing)

(Vocalizing)

Could you please stop that?

Even the pigeons are plugging their ears.

Sure, no problem.

Oh! Ow!

You know what?

Let's play a new game.

Okay?

Whoa!

Fun! (Laughing)

I think it went in the pond!

Hudson: Cannonball!

(Water splashing)

(Chuckling) Okay, that was way too easy.