01x02 - Episode Two

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x02 - Episode Two

Post by bunniefuu »

It's been seven years, Jamie! Time to let go.

What do you know about the group calling themselves Deus Ex Machina?

They're hackers. And what's your connection to them?

I don't have one.

No-one knows the real identity of the leader of Deus Ex.

Would you like to see a photo of him?

Remind you of anyone?

You hacked the NSA?

Yeah. I know it was Spike.

It should be me in there, not you.

I'm getting out soon. I promise.

These ladies bothering you, hon?

Oh, Jesus.

I am Sister Celine, here for the interview.

I need someone tenacious, with a clear head and thick skin.

You are just another sad little man who touches his penis too much.

When can you start?

What sort of person pretends that his wife's been missing for seven years?

There she is.

Layla's alive. Layla?

And it seems there's another me.

Rhonda, get in!

I'm coming too!


You're adopted, Jamie.

And I meant to tell you. There just never seemed a good time.

And this is a good time?!

See that? That's what's going to k*ll everyone.

Any second now.

Doesn't matter who you are, who you pray to, black or white, straight or gay, rich or poor.

Yep, it's judgment day.

The actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

In Slough - or rather under Slough, watching it on telly.

One minute now. One minute.

These pictures coming live to us from Hubble.

I know what you're thinking, "Cheer up!"

"You're one of the lucky ones!"

My question is - am I?

I mean, have you seen who else is in here?

Who are these people?

The human race united as never before...

How the hell did this happen?

Are we the future of mankind? I mean, seriously?

Thank you all for watching. I hope we'll meet again.

Come on, it's here somewhere, I know it is. I saw it here today.

Scotty? Everyone's waiting.

What the hell are you looking for?

My homeopathic spray.


I got it. I got all tense and it calms me down.

Scotty, out! You should try it. Now.

You say everyone's waiting? Yeah.

Everyone, everyone.

Now, just relax. You know it inside out.

You've practised this a million times.

Excuse me.


Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on?

Chill, OK? We just had to make sure we weren't being followed.

Who the hell are you?

Can you feel it, Rhonda?

The spark?

This must be what it was like when Lennon met McCartney.

The two greatest hackers of our generation, face-to-face at last.

Yeah, that's right. You're looking at the White Horse himself.

Honoured to meet you, Boobmuncher2000.

Yeah, that's my username.

So you did all this for me, why?

You're the only person to have hacked the NSA, ever.

I mean, you scaled the walls of Castle f*cking Grayskull itself!

And I want to know how you did it.

Uh, yeah...

How about you get me home first? Then I'll show you.

You're a hard-nosed arsehole, Boobmuncher2000. I like that.

OK. Deal.

This your girlfriend, son?

Punching a little above your weight, ain't ya?

Why would you...?

Now it's dirty!

Don't ever touch my stuff.


Bullshit. It's going to be OK. Just stop antagonising them.

Got a bad feeling about this.

You ask me, they look a little Jew-y.

You off somewhere, mate?

Moscow. That photo was taken in Moscow.

I'm going to find out what the hell's going on.

You know, 24 hours ago, I was doing OK!

I mean, my life was shit, but at least it made sense.

And then all of a sudden - oh, yeah!

Your wife's alive and she's with some f*ck that looks like you.

Oh, and also, your mum's not your mum and you're going to die!

Best Regards, the Universe.

Where is it?

You didn't sleep, did you? You're always tetchy when you're tired.

How am I meant to sleep? How can anyone sleep at a time like this?

I slept. Like a log.


There is a massive rock headed this way!

I know, which is why I'm writing my bucket list!

How do you spell Minaj?

What have you done with my passport?

Look, I confiscated it. It's for your own good.

You're having a meltdown, mate.

I am not having a meltdown!

OK, look.

Do you know where in the very large city of Moscow that photo was taken?

No. Do you know anybody there who could help you?

Do you speak Russian?

Do you honestly think there'll be any flights going to Moscow today?

I mean, you know me, man.

I love an adventure, but honestly, is this a good idea?

I've got to do something. I know, I know, so let's do something.

But let's start a bit closer to home, yeah?

Mum, what's happened?

I always wanted a through-kitchen diner.

I thought, "What the hell?"

It looks crap, doesn't it?

I've ruined my kitchen!

The world's coming to an end and you hate me, don't you?

I'll put the kettle on.

Go away.

I did. Twice already, remember?

I would like to start to work now.

All right.

Since we're going to be working together, I think you should know I am not a morning person.

Father Jude? The cardinals would like to see you immediately.

Just when you think the apocalypse is as bad as it gets, that sticks its head in the door.

What should I do?

Your desk is buried under there somewhere.

You might want to dig it out.

The looting is out of control, sir.

Gas shortages... Riots in 36 cities. Law and order disintegrating.

And what's that going to do?


OK. We are all tired.

But we need to be better than this.

Hey, you don't know how to hook this up, do you?

HDMI dealy to get the whole high-depth thing.

But I could do old-school VGA if need be.

Who the f*ck is this?

Mr President, this is Scotty McNeil, from the Special Situations group.

That's our apocalypse planning department.

We have one of those?

We certainly do, Mr President.

Scotty is our foremost expert on extinction-level events.

I suggest we all listen to what he has to say.

You have my undivided attention.


That shouldn't be there...

We're looking at an impact event caused by a comet approximately eight miles wide.

Now, most of the Earth's population will perish in a chain of devastating earthquakes in the aftermath.

In turn, these quakes will trigger a series of tsunamis, which will sweep across entire continents, washing away most traces of civilisation.

And meanwhile, to compound our problems, there's also the dust cloud.

Now this gradually envelops the planet in a toxic, unbreathable smog, blocking out the sun entirely, meaning that all plant life becomes unsustainable, as does all animal life.

The only survivors will be microbial.

But it could be worse.

How could this be worse?

Well, it could be happening tomorrow, sir.

We're lucky. We have 33 days and we need to use them wisely.

I should have told you.

All the adoption books say to.

I meant to, but you were all I had.

I didn't want to share you with your birth family.

You want to find them, don't you?

But you'll always be my mum.

OK? All my many flaws and faults, they're all your doing.

No-one can take that away from you.

So is there anything you know that can help me? Anything at all?

When you were five, a woman came to the door.

She said that she was your mum.

Do you really want to know?

Yeah, everything.

Well, I won't sugar-coat it.

She was weird.

She knew things about you, like the box you were left in and the mole on your penis.

Her name was Mary, she lived in a hippie commune in the country.

That's the address.

You have no idea how many times I wanted to burn that piece of paper.

How long will you be gone?

I don't know.

Come here.

You be safe and you come home soon.

We haven't got many days left.

I don't want to be alone at the end.

I know, Mum.

None of us do.

His Holiness feels in the circumstances it would be wise to halt the canonisation process.

I'm being fired?

Not at all.

The Day of Judgment draws near, Father Jude. The church has a task of utmost importance to you. A task eminently suited to a man with your attributes.

You mean my chronic punctuality and sunny disposition?

No, Father Jude, your relentless cynicism, your wearying scepticism.

Well, what's the gig?

From now on you will be investigating the second coming of Christ.

My goodness, what an honour!

No. No, no, not really.

This it's what's known in the business as a shit sandwich.

It's a theological term.

Celine, I'm the fall guy.

I'm the patsy.

"Father Jude, please robustly test these, but be a dear and do it in a manner that involves no robust testing in case one of them is, you know, actually Jesus. And even though the implications are staggering and way beyond your pay grade, you're on your own, so don't f*ck it up."

So you are scared you will accidentally anger the Messiah?

No, I'm worried about that, but what I'm scared of is much worse.

Sir, people need hope.

What is Operation Saviour?

Well... we don't know yet, but you're announcing it tonight.

That's it?!

That's all you've got?! What the hell are we paying YOU for?

You think when Roosevelt green-lit the Manhattan Project he knew the detail?

You think when Kennedy promised there would be a man on the moon by the end of the '60s he had any idea how?

Now these were great men.

They announced the intention, then made it happen - and that is what we are going to do.

We are going to tell the world we are going to save the world.

And then we work out how we do it.

How do we start?

We can't do this alone, sir.

So you get on the phone to anyone that can help, our allies and our enemies.

You ask for their best people, we put them in a room with our best people, they tell us what they've got, we tell them what we've got.

And together they work it out.

Are you insane?

You want to share all of this with the Russians?

The Chinese? The Iranians?

Yeah, starting tomorrow.

Sir, the people need hope.


I'll start making the calls.

Mr President, we're going to need some time to do it this afternoon.

Off the record. Very off the record.

No-one else in this room can know.

Morning, ladies, rise and shine.

Listen, I know you're wanting to stay off the grid and everything, but I really need to talk to my husband and son.

You see, my husband, he's in the hospital, and I need to make sure that the doctors are still showing up for work.

I don't even know where my son is.

So, really, it is very stressful.

Rhonda, relax, OK?

We have all the time in the world.

Yeah, but we don't, do we? We have 33 days.

And I really want to spend as many of those as possible with my family, so...

You don't actually believe this apocalypse stuff, do you?

If we are in New Mexico and DC is north and east, how come the sun is over there?

We ain't heading north-east!

I'm sure there's a perfectly...

He said we're taking the back roads, so maybe we're kind of going in odd directions?

Or they're lying to you.

We don't know jack squat about these two.

How do you know they ain't professional rapists?

I don't think that's something you can get paid for.

Maybe we're better off on our own.

I could steal us a car.

We'd drive off in the sunset like Thelma and Louise.

OK. You know how that movie ends, right?

It's typical! Yeah.

One announcement about the end of the world and the entire country grinds to a halt.

It's chaos. Absolute chaos!

It's very British chaos, though, eh?

Everyone's queueing. Everyone's still in that tarmac mind-set.

I mean, we want to go over there, yeah?

So why don't we just go that way, drive through the fields?

I don't want to scratch my car.


You're quite right, we must protect the paintwork.

Oh, God!

Everyone just needs to relax.

I mean, what difference does it make?

Get stressed, you die. Chill out, you still die, more enjoyably.

Right, so what's the plan?

We find your... whatever.

Vaginal mother, is that the right...? Birth mother.

She's my birth mother.

Right, well, find out if she's still at this commune. Then what?

She tells me if I have a twin, and if so, which car park she dumped him in.

Maybe she knows where he is.

If I can find him, I find Layla. Hopefully.

You really think he's got her, like, hostage? Yeah.

I don't know. Yes, I mean... Look.

He's pulling her hair.

I mean, that is pretty hostagey, right?

Yeah, or he's kissing her.

No, he isn't.

That's not how you kiss people.

Maybe he's got her thinking we are still happily married.

I don't know, I just...

I don't know what to think.

The point is she is a damsel in distress, yeah?

Yes, exactly. So every second counts.

We are in a race against the clock.

I'm serious, I've got a bad feeling.

You trust me?

My God, yes, yes!

Just don't do anything drastic!

Hey. Stop the ambulance right now.

I said stop the ambulance.

Oh, so what are we, your hostages now?

Is that it?

You're kidnapping us?

Hardly. We freed you.

Ah! Are you crazy?!

You know what, that's exactly what I am, and I got the certificates to prove it.

You stop this ambulance or I swear to God I will cut her throat.

I think I'm bleeding.


Max, you OK?

I'm fine.

Rhonda, you OK back there?

I think so.

I'm stuck!

Get me out of here!

Yeah, congratulations, you nearly got us all k*lled.


How about you spare me the lecturing, get this off of me?

Hey. HEY!

Damn! We'll grab anything we can eat and let's get out of here.

Rhonda! Come on. Get me out of here!

We'll be right back.

Get me out of here!
What about Leanne?

What about her? She just tried to k*ll you.

What? You want to see your family again?

Because if so, we need to move quickly and quietly, and that means not having an insane n*zi drawing attention to us.

Look around. No police.

This is your best chance of getting home, because sooner or later they're going to get this back under control.

We can't just leave her there to die.

Would the world be a worse place?

Maybe she had a tough childhood.

I had a tough childhood! OK?

My mum is nuts. Didn't make me a r*cist.

Get me out of here!

Look... No offence, but I don't know you, OK?

I don't even know your real name, so how do I know if I can trust you?

Got it.

It's Ariel, OK? My real name, it's Ariel.

Yes, like the Little f*cking Mermaid.

Thanks, Mum!

Like I said, she's nuts.

How about we just get an hour down the road, I call 911, anonymously, report an accident, Leanne gets rescued but thrown back in jail, we go on our way, and there's one less crazy r*cist on the loose.


OK. Deal.

Why are you taking air fresheners? We don't need air fresheners.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I've never looted before. I just...

I got a little grabby. OK. Um...

I'll look for food.

Bollocks! Look. We drive as far as we can, and then we walk.

Our forefathers managed it.

What are you doing? Get off.

Uh-uh. Bucket list.

I've always wanted to car-surf like Teen Wolf.

If this is the last of the petrol, I want to make it count.

Get off my car right now!

Mate, it's on the list. Why not?

Because... you'll make us less aerodynamic!

Just get off, OK?

I'm not in the mood.

Look, I love that we're getting you out of your rut, and I will have your back every time, but this is not just about you.

You're not the only person who's got stuff he wants to do before he dies.

Right, yeah, OK, but my stuff actually means something, doesn't it?

The night before my dad's accident, he took me to the video shop.

I chose Teen Wolf.

We cooked hot dogs and watched the film...

That was the last night I spent with him.

I didn't know that.

I wanted to be Michael J Fox so badly.

♪ If everybody had an ocean... ♪

Please don't fall off. Please don't fall off.

This is great!

Yesterday you were a bank manager.


Mate, I can't see! You realise you haven't even had an egg today?

First time in years, mate! Seriously, I can't see!

Admit it - you feel alive, don't you?

Yes, but please move!

Say, "I don't know where I'm going."

I DON'T know where I'm going!

"And it makes me feel alive."

And it makes me feel... Shit!

Aargh! Oof.

Oh, my God! Mate, you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Are you sure?


What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like we are doing, huh?

What are YOU doing?

Car surfing. Always wanted to.

Oh, bucket list! Snap!

We're having an erotic odyssey. Aren't we, dear?


We need to get past, so... Could you just...

Can't you go round? There's room.

Looks a bit tight.

Couldn't you...?

Young man, you're being unreasonable.

My husband's got arthritis!

Stop staring. Stop staring!

I don't want to!

And we're out of petrol.

Wonderful! Looks like we're walking.

You realise I can't get out my door, right? Yeah.

Sorry, slight mechanical issue. Do you mind just ducking down?

I just need to open my...

Thank you.

Oops! Sorry. Mind your bits.

Thanks again.

Lovely meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your odyssey.

Get me out of here, you cocksuckers!

It says touch the red to the green.

Well, I'm touching red to green, and it's not working, dude!

'Hey. You've got Spike's voicemail.

'h*t me on the...'

Spike, it's Mom. I can't go into detail, but I'm coming home, OK?

It's complicated, and I don't know where you are.

So leave your phone on and I'll keep trying to call.

I love you. I love you so much.


Hey, it's me.

Who's me?

Your sister.

Rhonda? It's a little... Bad time.

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed!

'Look, I haven't forgotten about you, OK?'

I'm going to come visit, I promise.

Oh, yeah, I'm not in prison any more. 'Really?'

So the appeal worked? That's great!

No, I kind of escaped.

You what?!

Rhonda, do you...

You can't tell me that! I'm in the White House!

Scotty, shut up.

'But if people found out that you're a fugitive' and I knew, they would throw the book at me.

Scotty, if you want to talk about problems, I'm pretty sure mine crap on yours.

Please... I'm your sister. Please help me.

What do you need?

'I need you to go to the hospital, check Rajesh.

'I need to know he's OK, they haven't abandoned the patient.'

And I need you to find Spike.

I don't know where he is, and I think he might be with Tim.

Tim? That drunk is still alive?


And the court gave him custody.

I don't even know where he lives.

I don't even know if Spike's with him. I'm freaking out!

Scotty! What, are you jerking off in here?

I got to go.

'No. Don't you dare hang up on me.'

OK, yeah, so I will definitely try and track down that information that you require.

Thank you, Scotty. Thank you.

You OK? Look like crap.

Well, thanks for the pep talk!

Pleasure. You might want to consider doing up your fly.

I think you overreact. Really?

Ask yourself what kind of person claims to be a messiah.

Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Part 1, section 2, chapter 2, article 7.

"Before the second coming of Christ, the Church... must pass through a final trial that will shake the faith of many believers. The persecution that accompanies her pilgrimage on earth will unveil the mystery of iniquity in the form of a religious deception offering men an apparent solution to their problem at the price of apostasy from the truth. The supreme religious deception is that of the Antichrist."

You memorised the catechism?

Ten years in the convent.

I also know all the words to Miss Saigon.

Exactly! These are not the skills that we need. Look...

If everything that we've devoted our lives to is true, then before Christ can return, there will be a false messiah.

An antichrist. Yes, I know.

So, any one of these could be Rosemary's actual baby.

666, raised by jackals, all of that '70s horror crap.

I don't know if I have the chops.

And I don't know if I can protect you.

Who said I need protecting?

You're not scared? Of course.

But I am more scared of NOT coming face-to-face with the Antichrist.

If the prophecies aren't true, I waste my life, yes?

So I pray for the Beast to come, and I pray that we unmask him.

God led me to your door.

I won't let him down.

And I won't let you down.

What if I let YOU down?

It's OK.

I have very low expectations of you.

I look forward to a new era of cooperation between our two countries.

Well, China's in. Your plan is proving very popular.

Well, that's great, Mr President.

I'll get straight to the point.

Operation Saviour is a diversionary tactic to distract the populace.

Are you saying it won't work?

We hope it will.

But our calculations suggest our chances are about one in three.

Although for the sake of the people, you have to act as if it's a sure thing.

Hope, sir. Hope will keep them in line until the very last moment.

You want to dupe the American people? If need be, yes.

For as long as we need to implement the fall-back.

The fall-back? Sir...

What we're about to tell you is beyond top-secret.

There is a bunker in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

It can keep 15 people and their offspring alive for up to a century.

Together with a DNA library of all the major plant and animal species.

We call it Mount Genesis.

We built an Ark? But for only 15 survivors?

Who? We would hand-pick a group of young women, selected for their skills, intellect and fertility.

No men? We don't need men, sir.

We'll have a sperm bank. We just need... uh, wombs.

My God.

This is monstrous! No, sir.

It's a rational response to an extraordinary situation.

But if word ever got out...

Oh, we'd be strung up. So word can't get out.

Not even to the First Lady.

I need to think about this.

Sir, we don't have...

I need to think about it.

Yes, Mr President.

They'd need a leader in there, sir.

Well, this is it.

You OK?

Give me a second.

I'm so caught up with Layla, I hadn't really thought this bit through.

What do you say to the woman who gave birth to you, then left you in a shoebox?

You'll work it out.



What are you doing?

You coming, or what?



Who would live in a house like this?


Not for a very long time.

The apocalypse is bollocks.

You saw that store back there, money's worthless now.

They knew that would happen, they want it to happen.

The old system falls apart then they regain control, and now it's a new system.

A new capitalism, the slate wiped clean, America back on top.

When are you going to call 911?

I said, when are you going to call 911?

You really think there's still a 911?

You lied to me?

But... She's going to die back there. A horrible, painful, slow...

OK, um, stop the car. Stop the car now! You lied to me, Ariel!

I did what needed doing. Deal with it.

My gosh, she was right about you guys, wasn't she?

Rhonda, stop. Now, there's two ways we can do this.

You, in the car, like a human. Or you, in the trunk, like luggage.

Your choice.

Where are your taking me?

Somewhere safe. And totally off grid.

You're going to show us every hack, every trick in your locker.

Now, I wanted to do this in a friendly, consensual way, but you're making it very hard. Frankly, I'm disappointed.

We get you out of jail, but your lack of gratitude disgusts me.

Manners, Rhonda! Basic manners.

I didn't ask you to spring me.

You chose that.

And... FYI, I can't help you.

What do you mean?

I don't have any tricks to my locker.

I don't even have a locker! OK?

You sprung the wrong person, I didn't hack the NSA!

So, why did you plead guilty, then?

Unless you're protecting someone - someone you love very much, right?

Not necessarily. So it's either the husband or the son.

You leave my husband alone.

Nice try, but don't ever play poker.

So, your son's the genius. What's his name again? Spike? Spike McNeil.

Bet we find him before you do.

You leave my son alone.

You stay away from him!

Or you'll call the police?

Max, pull over.

You're going to sh**t her?

God, no! I'm not an animal.

You see, Rhonda, manners, basic manners.

I mean it! You stay away from my son!

You OK?

Just got my hopes up. Should have known. Back to square one.

Oh, mate. You are so far from square one.

You know her name, a previous address.

We'll find Mary and we'll find Layla. Besides, you had an adventure, dude.

You lived a bit, you drove through a field, broke into a house, ruined an erotic odyssey.

Ticked something off your bucket list?

I didn't mean to be a d*ck about that, by the way.

I didn't know about your dad, how much it meant to you.

Actually, I made that up. I just really wanted to car surf.


Ow! Shit! There's something in my arse. What?

What's that?

That's not good. It's like what vets use on horses.


Someone's sh**ting at us! We've got to get out of here now!

No, Dave...

Dave, you got to...

..fight... this mind...

Stand by for transmission in five, four, three...

My fellow Americans, yesterday I brought you tragic news, but today I bring you hope.

I've spent this afternoon in conversation with my fellow world leaders and this evening I can announce an unprecedented international coalition to counter the thr*at we face.

'Tonight, Operation Saviour begins...'

Is somebody out there?

'..the single biggest scientific project...'

Hey, somebody help me! I'm stuck in this van!

'It will also see mankind standing together...'

Get me out of here!

'..overcoming our differences...'

About time, Judas.

'..best scientists and engineers...'

I'm real disappointed in you, hon'.

I thought we was a team, but you stabbed me in the back. Yeah, I did.

But now I'm making it right. So, we're done, OK?

What are you talking about, where are you going? Home.


'..dedicated to Operation Saviour.'

We have the resources, the technology and the willpower to succeed.

And I give you my word, it WILL work.

'It will go down in history...'

Fine, stay. Don't say I didn't warn you. What's he saying?

Apparently, he's going to save the world. Another messiah.

Just what we need. 'So there is no need to panic. Life goes on.

'Tomorrow, you will go to work and be paid for your labour.'

Did you just put on the aftershave?

'There will be food in our stores, gas in our gas stations.'


'This will be the single biggest scientific project ever embarked upon.'

I can see your legs, babe - that sign starts, like, two feet off the ground.

Get in.

Oh, love a duck.

What, are you going to walk all the way to DC in your prison fatigues?

My shoulder is k*lling me, I can't drive this thing for one more minute.

I'm injured, you're useless, we need each other.

Well, that was easy.

Good, good, good.

This is going to be fine, like Driving Miss Daisy, only without all that civil rights bullshit.

Shut up!

'..gas in our gas stations. We've endured 24 hours of chaos. But as of this moment, the police are back in control. All crime will be punished.'


'If you looted, we will find you. If you've escaped from prison, we will hunt you down.'

Floor it, babe.

'Life continues as it always has.'

I promise this is not the end.

God bless you, God bless the United States of America, and God bless humanity.

We are all in this together.

And we're clear.

That was amazing, Mr President. Just what the people needed, sir.

That thing we talked about earlier? Let's do it.

Yes, Mr President.

And, like you said, they're going to need a leader. Won't they?

Yes, they will, sir.

Jamie. Jamie, please, wake up.


I think we're in trouble.

What happened? Where are we?

I don't know, but it's... but it's all sort of horrible.

I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent...

Well, hey, Ariel! Long time, no see.

Now, um, give me one good reason why I shouldn't rip your b*lls off.

She's not going to do it, can see it in her eyes. Whoa!

Sex is a natural urge.

Well, I put a lid on it. I'M OK.


Look out!

Don't you move a muscle, missy.

I see no evidence of a miracle.

You know what? I love being a cop.

Some guy says that you're a t*rror1st. You're not, are you?

So Spike's missing?

Scotty, you have to find out.

How do you know my name?

They call me the white horse.

Shut up!
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