04x16 - Identity Thieves

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, everyone!

Gross!

Get those textbooks away from me!

Can't you see I'm eating?

Ravi, for the last time, no one wants to play Spot the Typos and Email the Publishers.

No, no, no. Today is the day we take the SPATs, the Scholastic Practice Aptitude Test.

I thought Luke might want to do some last minute studying with me.

(Laughs)

Too bad freckles aren't brain cells.

(Phone ringing)

(Gasps)

Hello? Emma Ross, fashion maven speaking.

Oh. Whatevs, he'll call you back.

Who was that? Oh, just your doctor.

Either you have an appointment in six weeks, or you have six weeks.

What?

I'm expecting a call from Leopard b*at.

They're about to announce this year's New York It Girl.

It's gonna be me, obvs.

So you think they got your hint?

Those billboards were subtle.

They always give it to the girl in the New York scene who's popular, stylish, and has a big social media following.

The winner gets a full-page spread in the magazine.

It's like the Nobel Prize for pretty people!

Emma, will you still help me pick out my outfits when you're super famous?

Of course.

Just make an appointment through my assistant.

Um, Jessie, can Emma squeeze me in for a brunch?

Okay, for the last time, I am not Emma's assistant.

By the way, you have school in five minutes and a wax at 4:00.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Check it out! I've just been verified on Flitter!

(Gasps) That's amazing!

You're now officially popular enough to have people want to pretend to be you!

I had somebody pretend to be me once.

The crazy thing is it actually improved my credit score.

I've been getting a ton of new followers, ever since Emma posted a picture of me on her fashion blog wearing a vegan leather bolero.

(Gasps) Omg!

Everyone's saying your style is on fleek!

That's rude!

Or cool. I have no idea what "fleek" means.

Zuri, I am so proud of you.

Once I'm named Leopard b*at's New York It Girl, I'll make sure to hook you up with a front row seat at Fashion Week.

That would be awesome.

But, you have to promise me one thing.

Never, ever look Karl Lagerfeld's cat in the eye.

They say it's a fashion "fur-paw."

(Chuckles)

And you're not allowed to bring Jessie.

Oh, I cannot wait to see what I got on the SPATs.

I am certain I aced them. Not to toot my own horn.

I just tooted my own horn.

(Vacuum whirring)

(Sniffs)

Ugh!

What have you guys been eating in here, corpses?

Ugh!

Oh! Oh, no.

My Butler Academy class ring!

I graduated Magna Cum Laundry.

(Laughs)

It's locked.

Come to think of it, I've never opened that door before.

Do either of you know what's behind there?

Storage closet?

I just throw my gum wrappers under there.

Well, feel free to stick your dirty socks under there, too.

Every time I throw them in the washing machine, she cries.

(Phone ringing)

Ross residence, Jessie speaking.

Oh, it's Leopard b*at.

Hey, are you interested in any freelance articles?

I wrote this great one for my high school newspaper called, "Overalls: Putting the Fun in Functional..."

Jessie!

Emma Ross. What issue will I be in?

I look great in summer wear, but my sweater game has been strong lately.

Wait, what?

Are you serious?

Okay, I'll tell her.

What did they say? Did they want to read my Overalls piece?

No.

They said I'm not this year's New York It Girl.

Zuri is. (Gasps)

I am? Yeah.

They said you were "an unbeatable combination of trendy and trending."

I can't believe it!

Me neither.

I'm only 16 years old and I lost my job to a younger woman.

Today is the day our SPATs scores arrive in the mail!

Can you think of anything more exciting?

Yes. All things.

Ah!

Oh! Oh.

Huh!

50?

I only received 50 out of a thousand?

Impossible! You get ten points just for writing your name!

Huh. Don't feel that bad.

I only got a 0001.

No.

You got a thousand.

Really?

Well, then you should feel terrible.

(Whimpers)

Ever since Leopard b*at made me New York It Girl, I've gotten over 20,000 new Flitter followers.

(Cell phone beeps)

And here's another one.

Ooh, Harry Styles? Accept!

I hope the one direction he goes is off a short pier.

Luke! Hurry up, you're gonna be late for school. Again.

Salutations.

Wow.

I think this is the first time you've gotten out of bed without me yelling that I spilled water on my shirt.

Hey, now that I've discovered I'm the smart one in the family, I figured I might as well look and act the part.

You know you're supposed to wear deodorant, not eat it, right?

I've also been staying awake in my classes and doing my homework.

Turns out, algebra is easy when you actually open the book.

Okay. Not gonna question it, just gonna be grateful.

So grateful!

Ravi? Hey, buddy.

You excited about your chemistry test today?

I no longer have faith in a test's ability to prove one's intelligence.

I shall fill in the bubbles with reckless abandon and let the grades fall where they may.

Did you also put your pants on with reckless abandon?

Because they're backwards.

Will you please zip my fly?

Ravi, I know how tough school can be for the simple-minded.

If you need some help, I'd be happy to tutor you and use small words.

Oh, thank you.

(Roars)

Back when I was the smart one in the family, was I that condescending?

Little bit.

Bertram. Are you okay?

Oh my gosh, he did only have six weeks!

I'm fine. I'm just trying to see under this door.

I was up all night wondering what's behind it.

I only got 12 hours of sleep.

The struggle is real.

Meanwhile, leave that door alone.

Morgan and Christina told me two things when I came to work here.

One, Zuri's a biter.

And two, never, ever go in that room.

You're not at all curious about what's behind this door?

No way.

And if you'd walked in on as many weird things as I have in this penthouse, you wouldn't be either.

Three words. Lacy lizard lingerie.

Dude, why didn't you tell me they have a whole room at school full of books you can borrow for free?

Perhaps because the only time you ever picked up a book, it was to k*ll a spider.

Actually, it only had six legs.

So obviously, it was an arilus cristatus.

I hate you.

Hey, Jessie, I finished my book report.

You know, up until today I thought Wuthering Heights was where Jay Z grew up.

You also thought Beowulf was fan fiction about Beyonce and Wolverine.

Mmm.

You know, ever since I found out I was smart, I've been kicking butt in my classes.

Looks like I just stole your seat at the Periodic Table, son!

(Chuckles)

Mocked by a man who once lost a game of tic tac toe to a chicken!

Ravi, I'm worried about you.

You're not yourself.

Of course I am not myself! Luke is myself!

And I am beside myself.

Which means I am beside Luke.

Which is better than being behind him, but still not great. Storming off now!

Jessie, you have to help me.

People at school are calling me Zuri's Sister.

You are Zuri's sister.

I feel like Zuri is stealing my identity.

Okay. Emma, I know not being named New York It Girl was a blow, but Zuri is not stealing your identity.

Absolutely, Donatella, just send your spring line over to the penthouse.

I'm sure it'll be totes adorbs.

Yeah, you should totes be worried.

Darn, I can't see anything!

Luke says this snake camera works perfectly under Jessie's door.

(Mrs. Kipling screeching)

(Growling)

Mrs. Kipling?

Please tell me you're having a playdate in there.

Ahhh!

Pork rind me.

Ravi! Ravi's friend!

There are creatures behind the secret door in there!

I think I just made one of them angry.

Oh, Emma.

I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you.

Also, yeesh!

Why do you not just ask Luke to help you?

He seems to have all the answers.

Yeah, and if that doesn't work, ask Zuri.

Everyone totes adores her.

Actually, I think it's even scarier in here.

You know, it is one thing for Luke to have discovered his ability to think.

But to steal my manner of dress, my witty repartee, and lord his smarts over me?

Too far, sir, too far!

Yeah!

And now Zuri is going to make every girl in New York sick with jealousy.

I wanted to make those girls sick!

My life is over!

No, it is not!

You have the chance to be on top again!

Really?

You think so? Of course!

You simply cannot see the trees through the forest on your forehead.

You are right.

I'm going to take back my identity.

To my make-up mirror!

You might want to give it a little warning.

It is in for a shock.

Luke, are you hoarding food?

Oh, don't tell me you're taking Bertram's identity too.

No, it's for a science project.

I gotta keep my straight A's.

I'm trying to decide between Harvard or Yale as my safety school.

Wow, two weeks ago you couldn't even spell school.

Yeah, that "h" is tricky.

Anyway, after I finish my project, I think I'll calculate how many times per hour I can tell Ravi he's wrong.

(Chuckles)

Well, I should probably tell you not to do that, but you are voluntarily doing math, so I'm torn.

You know, getting that perfect SPAT score really changed my life.

You're changing your life, and I'm so proud of you.

(Cell phone chiming)

Hello? Yes.

Oh.

Are you sure?

Uh, okay, thank you.

Bertram.

I just found out Luke and Ravi's SPAT scores were switched.

It was Luke who only scored a 50.

If this is a test to see how much I care, my score is zero.

Ravi. Whoa!

Fun fact.

Cool ranch chips are surprisingly warm.

Good to know.

Listen, I have some news and we have to keep it a secret from Luke.

The only news I want to hear about Luke is that he is not really a genius after all.

Actually...

Oh, how I would rub it in his smug, befreckled face.

I would make him rue the day he ruined my days!

(Grunts)

Anywho, you were saying?

Uh...

You know what, never mind.

Very well. If you need me, I shall be out here, considering which air conditioning repair school I will be applying to.

Look.

Ravi, just because Luke is smart doesn't make you any less intelligent.

In fact, you should be happy.

You finally have someone to share your interest in academics with.

So, maybe instead of viewing Luke as a competitor, you should see him as a friend.

A friend?

Oh, yeah, you know, someone you hang out with, share common interests...

I know what a friend is.

But I understand why you felt the need to clarify that for me.

Oh. Chip?

No, thank you.

Go ahead and set up over there.

My Leopard b*at readers are going to go zany for Zuri!

Help yourselves to some PB and J finger sandwiches.

Classic Zuri!

So generous!

So sweet!

Mmm, I'll take the compliment, but clearly you don't know me very well.

Such a sassafras! I love it!

Let's get started.

Now show me... It!

Ah! Ah-may-zing.

Oh, is Leopard b*at here today?

(Gasps) Oh, I'm so embarrassed to be caught so underdressed.

Tres chic! It's Emma Ross, here to support her stylish younger sister.

I can't even...

Now, get out of the sh*t.

Buh-bye.

(Camera clicking)

Yes. Keep going.

Love it! Mmm.

Ah!

Oh, Zuri, I'm obsessed with you.

Obsessed!

Vera?

Vera Wang?

Oh, hey, girl!

Oh, of course I'll model for you.

(Cell phone chiming)

Yeah.

That is a great impression of a ring tone, Vera.

TTYL.

Mmm-hmm.

(Softly) Keep going. Keep going.

Yes! Happy face.

Sad face. Indifferent face.

Oh, Zuri, you are my everything!

(Mockingly) Oh, Zuri, you are my everything!

(Camera clicking)

Hey, you're stealing my light!

Well, you're stealing my life!

Awkward. Okay!

Now let's try some sh*ts with the wind fan.

Five, six, seven, work!

How's this? And this?

If I could describe this moment in emojis it'd be red heart, green heart, kissy face, top hat!

Top hat seems a little strong.

Zuri, keep this up and it won't be long before you're running our teen fashion department in Paris!

What?

That's my dream!

I can't believe you ruined my photo sh**t.

Thanks a lot, Emma!

Uh-oh! Drama!

Super sad face considering all the nice things she said about you.

What do you mean?

Zuri said she gets all of her style and social skills from her awesome big sister Emma.

Do you have another, awesomer sister named Emma?

Why would two sisters have the same name?

I have two dogs named Cat.

All right, you filthy animals, I'm coming in there.

I've already had to share this place with a zebra, a reindeer, a tiger, a baby giraffe, and a diva lizard.

So, unless you're another kid, you don't scare me.

(Grunting)

What are you... Oh!

Bertram, what are you doing?

Me? What are you doing in the secret room with all those wild animals?

What do you mean? The kids are all upstairs.

Oh. Oh, right.

Wild animals, yes.

Very scary stuff, but someone has to feed 'em.

Do I hear the cheese delivery truck?

Nice try.

Everyone knows my cheese gets delivered on Wednesdays.

Tell me what you're hiding or I'll wash your underwear with Luke's.

(Scoffs) Okay.

Welcome to my lady cave.

Whoa!

This is the only room I can relax in and not be constantly bombarded by the kids and their needs.

I can't believe you have a place to hide from the kids and you didn't let me in on it.

To be fair, I was hiding from you, too.

So there was a monster in here.

You!

Wait, no, no, no. Please, please!

Don't tell the kids.

Okay, but it'll cost you.

One night a week in here. Plus robe privileges!

(Scoffs) Deal.

But nobody sits in mama's throne.

Oh, hey, Ravi.

If you've come looking for more chips...

I think you ate them all.

No, Luke, I have come to tell you I am sorry for being envious of your intelligence.

I have been looking at this all wrong.

You have? Indeed.

I am glad you are smart.

Jessie pointed out that I finally have a family member I can relate to.

All the things I used to do alone, we can now do together.

Uh...

What do you mean?

Well, I will not have to watch The Real Bacteria of Mold County alone anymore.

And, you can be my plus one to Gertie, the lunch lady's 50th b-day bash.

Everyone at school will be calling us two pisum sativums in a pod.

Oh, no, that is what they'll call us, isn't it?

Uh, yes!

Oh, I even made you a gift!

It is a monogrammed pocket protector!

Ah!

You stay away from me with that!

Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I like reality mold television!

I wish I'd never scored so high on that stupid test.

Oh, I am really glad to hear you say that.

Boys, your SPAT scores were switched.

Both: What?

Yeah. Ravi, you got a perfect score.

Luke, you filled in your bubbles with chocolate.

Huzzah! I am smart again!

(Sighs)

What a relief! That homework was getting annoying.

(Chuckles)

I have two weeks of video games to catch up on.

Oh, no you don't.

You've shown that when you make an effort, you can get straight A's.

I expect nothing less from you in the future.

Aw, man!

That's a lot of pressure.

Ravi, is this how you feel all the time?

Pretty much.

I recommend a night guard for the constant teeth grinding.

Zuri?

Are you in there?

Zuri: No!

Okay, I'll go look for you in the kitchen.

Wait a second...

Zuri, please come out.

I need to talk to you.

What do you want, Emma?

I'm all out of thunder for you to steal.

Actually, I came to apologize.

I should have just been happy for you.

But instead, I was jealous and pretty.

You mean "petty."

That too.

Look, I know you gave me credit for your style, and that was really nice of you.

But the truth is, you have a great style of your own and you deserve to be the New York It Girl.

You really think so?

Absolutely.

You are ah-may-zing.

(Giggles) Thank you, Emma.

And I promise to be a much better big sister on your next photo sh**t.

(Gasps) They're coming back?

Yep.

I called Pepper and convinced her to reshoot the magazine spread.

Don't worry, this time I'll stay out of your way.

But you're my inspiration.

I need my big sister there.

Just maybe dress down a little.

Okay. I'll wear my casual tiara.

Oh, good, it will look great with your black eye.

Jeans it is. (Chuckles)

(Dinging) Oh.

Your turn. Ah!

Ah. This is the life.

You're right. I'm so relaxed, I'm not even bothered by the fact that you brought cheese-scented candles.

Kids: Ow! Jessie!

You should probably do something.

You're right.

(Music volume increases)

Both: Ah!