04x17 - Katch Kipling

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, it always makes me nervous to see you with an empty cage.

You misplace 10 scorpions and suddenly you cannot be trusted.

Yes.

(Crashing)

(Exclaiming)

There's a rat in the screening room!

That is not just a rat, it is an entree.

(Mrs. Kipling croaking)

Apparently, nothing whets Mrs. Kipling's appetite like frightened, squeaky whimpering.

Oh, then don't bring her to PE with you when you play dodgeball.

Look, Ravi, why can't you just feed Mrs. Kipling in her cage?

She refuses to eat in there.

I realized she missed hunting in the wild for her own dinner.

Why can't you kids be more like her?

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Jessie, I was wondering, next time I meet my friends in the park, could I go alone?

Oh, Zuri, you're too young to go to the park alone.

Besides, it's not like I embarrass you.

Oh, my gosh, I embarrass you?

Think I'm bad?

Try having a dad who lets you know it's time to come home by f*ring a cannon.

You want to talk embarrassing, every time I walk by the duck pond you make me put on floaties.

Because I don't want you to fall in.

It's only a foot deep!

The ducks can stand up in it!

(Elevator bell dings) Great news!

My drama teacher told me a local theater company is having auditions for The Terrificks, and he said I should totes try out.

That's totes my favorite musical!

You know, when I was younger that show was on Broadway and I auditioned for the role of Demaryius.

Did you get the part?

Yeah, but I turned it down 'cause my real dream was to become a butler.

Why didn't my agent call me about The Terrificks?

Maybe he thinks doing community theater is beneath me.

I doubt it, considering he submitted you for an ear wax commercial.

Hey, I came this close to being the face of excessive ear wax.

Jessie, the part of Sarah is 16.

(Gasps) Omg.

But you could totally audition for my grandma.

Or I could go weep in my bedroom.

Hey, Bertram, since you are familiar with that musical, could you help Emma prepare?

Sure, but I'll have to clear my calendar.

You're just going to the bathroom.

Yeah, that's what I call "clearing my calendar."

I always wondered what was in the tunnels beneath our building.

So much for my "pit of fire leading to the center of the earth" theory.

Yes, you were really on to something there.

Now, keep a lookout for Mrs. Kipling.

I saw her chase the rat down here.

Wait, I thought we were looking for mole men.

There is no such thing.

Are there moles? Yes.

Are there men?

Yes.

Then who's to say there aren't mole men?

Everyone! Everyone is to say!

Oh, that must be Mrs. Kipling.

Or a six foot mole with a thirst for human blood!

Do not be ridiculous.

But, just in case, you first.

Wait, what? No, stop it!

Hey, Ravi. How are things with Mrs. Kipling?

She is not happy because I took away her dessert privileges for wandering around the city alone.

By the way, I have plenty of chocolate covered cockroaches if you are ever peckish.

I will never be that peckish.

Look, Ravi.

Your relationship with your lizard is none of my business, but maybe you should give her some slack?

You mean like a longer leash?

I tried that, she dragged me into oncoming traffic.

If it makes her happy to go out and hunt for food, maybe you should let her.

Perhaps you are right.

She had such a delightful gleam in her eye when she was disemboweling vermin in that tunnel.

Aw!

This job gets weirder and weirder.

Jessie, I have a bone to pick with you.

Okay, I have no idea how Bertram gets the bones in the mashed potatoes.

No. I mean, you just told Ravi he should let Mrs. Kipling have her freedom, but you won't let me go to the park alone.

Don't I deserve the same treatment as a lizard?

That's the point.

She's a lizard, and you're not.

Anyway, I promise to meet my friends, and we will all stick together.

Please, Jessie?

(Sighing) Okay.

You are a good kid, and I should trust you.

Thanks, Jessie.

It would just make me feel a lot better if you had razor sharp teeth and poisonous saliva.

And who says I don't?

Wow, you actually found a game more boring than Call of Algebra: Decimals of Doom.

I will have you know, the cubic polynomial level on that game is quite the thrill ride.

Uh, this from the kid who wet himself on the escalator at the mall.

It was going way too fast.

(Laughing)

Ravi: I attached a GPS to Mrs. Kipling, so I can track her on my Facepage.

This way she can enjoy her freedom in the tunnels, and I can watch over her.

(Beeping)

Whoa, Ravi, you just got a friend request!

(Beeping)

(Chuckling) Lots of requests!

I am blowing up like an unattended Bunsen burner on high!

Oh, look. Mrs. Kipling is heading towards the park.

Those tunnels must lead all over the city.

I hope she does not eat too many hotdogs.

I hope she doesn't eat too many hotdog vendors.

♪ B-b-b-b Bumble bee That's right.

♪ B-b-b-b Bumble bee Follow the bee.

♪ B-b-b-b Bumble bee ♪

We've been doing this for 30 minutes, and I still don't see a bee.

That's the name of the vocal warm-up.

Wait, did you actually think we were following bees?

No.

Bertram, we've been doing warm-ups all day.

First, I gargled salt water, which I accidentally swallowed.

Then I hummed with a mouthful of marbles, which I also swallowed.

And then we did some weird exercise where you pushed on my stomach.

That was the Heimlich maneuver. You were choking on a marble.

Listen, I appreciate all the help, but can we stop for today?

Nope. Now it's time to work out your body.

In The Terrificks, your character spends Act Two in a 20-pound wig shaped like the moon.

Why?

It's a metaphor for her loneliness.

Well, maybe she wouldn't be so lonely if she didn't have giant, moon-shaped hair.

Hey, when I auditioning, I was in peak physical condition.

What happened?

Four kids, a lizard and funnel cakes.

Look, Jessie, I am up to 5,000 followers on Facepage!

I always told you you'd be popular one day. Oh.

Of course, when I said that, I was just being nice. But who knew?

It is all because of my adventurous lizard.

Which is why I have re-named my page "Katch Kipling."

I spelled catch with a "K."

I am not comfortable with misspellings, but it appears to be the thing to do on social media.

(Chuckling)

Look! They want to take a picture with me.

I finally get to take a selfie with not just my...

Selfie! (Chuckling)

(Camera clicking)

Uh, Jessie, don't take this the wrong way, but when you said I could play with friends unsupervised, you weren't one of those friends.

Zuri, if you're gonna be in the park alone, we have to go over some basic safety rules.

Hanging out with your friends isn't all fun and games, you know.

I'm beginning to think this is why no one liked you growing up.

I was also a huge tattletale.

Look, I just want to go over some basic do's and don'ts to prepare you for any emergency.

Fine, but hurry.

I'm losing serious street cred hanging out with my nanny.

Okay.

What if a stranger comes up and offers you candy?

What kind of candy?

It doesn't matter.

Of course it does. I hate nuts.

Zuri, you're not supposed to take anything from anyone. Got it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

So if Reba comes over and offers me a record deal, I can't take it?

Fine. You can take a record deal from Reba.

What if she also gives me candy?

Enough with the candy!

Uh! Help!

He's chasing me! And making me sing!

I'll protect you.

See, Zuri, Emma came to the park alone and now some creepy old man is chasing her.

And making her sing?

Emma, I'm doubting your commitment to this audition.

Do you want to work, or just stand here and hang out with Jessie?

Aw, they're both so painful.

If I were you, I'd keep running.

B-b-b-b-b-b-bye!

Well, I'm feeling unappreciated today.

Tell me about it.

After Emma twisted her ankle on mile five, I gave her a sip of water.

Not even a thank you.

That ungrateful wimp.

Step aside, while I peel out.

It's like I'm watching Sons of Anarchy, Season 40.

Oh, look, Maggie Murphy has friended me.

She is the cutest girl in school.

Ravi, she's the school nurse.

I know.

Look at all these cool pictures people are posting as Mrs. K slithers around New York!

Where did that come from?

(Chuckling) Oh, my bad.

I was supposed to email that to the school yearbook staff.

Ugh, I wish I could put a GPS on Zuri.

Jessie, you're such a helicopter nanny.

Wh... No, I'm not!

Oh, really? You once followed us in an actual helicopter!

How could you tell that was me? I was wearing a disguise.

How many gorillas can fly a helicopter?

It was all I could find on short notice.

But that does give me a really good idea of how to spy on Zuri!

Oh, check it out!

Thanks to my Katch Kipling page, I am becoming a celebrity.

You finally found the kind of people who want to be your friend.

People who haven't met you.

I will take it.

Great. Let's check out where Mrs. Kipling is now.

Wait a minute, according to this, Mrs. Kipling is in our living room.

She is supposed to be on the streets of New York getting me, I mean us, more fans.

Oh, Mrs. Kipling, you should be out and about with your adoring public.

(Croaking)

Oh, come on.

I just booked you to sing the national anthem at Yankee Stadium.

(Croaking)

Oh, do not worry. Everybody lip syncs.

Dude, looks like Mrs. K is just done running around the city.

Well, tough toe nails!

She needs to get her tough toe nails out there!

Get going, you lazy swamp sloth!

(Croaking)

How do you expect to move that lizard when you need help opening the fridge?

Thank you.

Uh, hello.

My name is Jessie and you are mighty fine.

Oh. No, no, no.

Ugh!

Why'd I have to meet a cute guy when I look like Betty White's older sister?

Oh. (Laughing)

Hello, little girl.

Hi, can you pass me my ball, please?

Of course.

Aren't you the cutest thing!

Would you like some candy?

You'll like it. It doesn't have nuts.

How do you know I don't like nuts?

You just look like a no nut kinda girl.

Okay. If you'll excuse me, ma'am, I've gotta go.

(Sniffing)

The smell of baby powder is kinda making me dizzy.

Uh, think fast!

Say a bird swoops down and starts pecking at you.

What do you do? The same thing I'm going to do now.

Run away.

Excuse me, officer, this lady is bothering me.

Oh, no, no, no, officer, I'm not a weird old lady, I'm a sweet, young nanny.

Who's just doing a weird thing.

Uh, would you like some candy?

No? Okay.

(Grunting)

Stupid orthopedic shoes!

Now I really do need a new hip.

(Elevator bell dings)

(All laughing)

There you are.

So instead of working, you're hanging out with your friends.

Well, I could hang out with my friends, too.

Ladles don't count.

At least Larry got me something for my birthday.

Granted, it was gravy, which is what he always gets me.

But it's the thought that counts!

See? You thought I was making this stuff up.

You need to keep rehearsing or you're gonna fail that audition.

And you know what happens to failures?

Yes. They end up torturing innocent kids and ordering Gouda in bulk.

It's cheaper that way.

Now, let's get back to work.

Send your friends home, and let's follow that bee.

No!

I was hoping this would be fun, but it's not.

I quit!

I hope you swallow that bee and it stings your sarcophagus.

There is no bee!

(Croaking)

Oh, hey, Mrs. K.

I'm watching you crawl through Chinatown.

If you want some really good dim sum...

(Croaking)

Wait a minute, if you're here, then who's wandering around New York?

Ravi?

Ravi, I know you're down here.

Unless you were captured by mole men.

In which case I was right!

And I should probably start running.

Luke? Moles!

What are you doing down here?

I should be asking you that question.

Well, I could not let my followers down, so I've attached a GPS to this fake Mrs. Kipling I had made.

Wow, that is so life-like.

That is real blood on her lips.

Which is probably why I'm dizzy right now.

I should have had a cookie.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go photobomb Donald Tr*mp.

Ravi, I think you've taken this thing too far.

Well... What is wrong with traveling through the sewers with a giant fake lizard for the enjoyment of strangers?

Seriously, you can't hear it?

Look, I get it.

For once you were popular.

Exactly.

And I do not want it to end.

I have so enjoyed basking in the limelight.

Look, Ravi, you're a great guy, and one day people will appreciate you for you, and not for your lizard.

Thank you, brother.

But I can still use Mrs. Kipling to get chicks, right?

Yeah. (Chuckling)

Still.

Now let us head home. Okay.

Wait... Ravi, home is this way.

No, it is this way.

Uh. Oh.

Hey, Bertram.

Jessie?

Wow, this job has really aged you.

You should talk. You got winded riding a scooter in the park.

Emma decided not to audition.

If she doesn't at least try for this part, she'll gonna regret it for the rest of her life.

Bertram, do you think maybe you're working Emma so hard because you have regrets?

Pfft, no.

(Scoffs) That is crazy.

You're crazy! (Chuckling)

I'd argue, but look at me.

Okay, the truth is, sometimes, I do wonder what my life would've been like if I'd gotten that part.

Yeah, I mean, you could have won a Tony award.

Been a huge success, with fame and fortune...

Thanks. I feel so much better.

Bertram, you can't live in the past.

You're right.

Emma was so happy about auditioning for that play, and I ruined it for her.

Well, it's not too late. You can still fix things.

Thanks, Jessie.

Hmm.

I guess it is true. With age does come wisdom.

It also comes with a mean case of girdle rash.

(Elevator bell dings)

(Shrieking) I can't believe you followed me home!

Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

No, no. Zuri, stop! It's me, Jessie!

Ow! I just took a rook to the rump.

Jessie?

Why are you dressed like that?

Wow, you will do anything to get that senior citizen discount at the movies.

No, I dressed like this to spy on you.

But that's not a bad idea.

Why would you spy on me?

(Sighing)

Because I was worried.

I wanted to make sure I could trust you to handle yourself.

And now I know I can.

Thanks, Jessie, for always being there.

Even when I don't want you there.

(Both laughing)

Give granny some sugar.

Oh, and by the way, you make a pretty good old lady.

You even got the smell down.

Oh! Oh.

I, I didn't do anything to change my smell.

Hey, I've been looking for you.

I told you, I quit.

Do you want me to sing it to you while you chase me around the park on a granny scooter?

Emma, I owe you an apology.

I wanted the part in The Terrificks so bad when I was young, I just wanted it for you, too.

At any cost.

I'll say.

The stress gave me stomach pains.

That might be the marbles.

Yeah, I should really see a doctor.

What I didn't teach you is how wonderful musical theater is.

It's exciting and rewarding.

And it would be a shame if you didn't experience that.

Please audition for this part.

Okay, I will.

But only if you audition with me.

Really?

Yeah.

You should read for the role of the cranky uncle.

Oh, okay. Deal!

(Chuckling) Well...

You really think I could pull off cranky?

Yeah, I think it's in your wheelhouse.

Yeah?

I can't believe we're lost below the streets of New York.

On the bright side, when we die of starvation we will already be underground.

(Croaking)

Mrs. Kipling! You have come to save us!

I apologize, my dear friend.

This all started because I wanted you to have fun hunting.

But I let my newfound popularity drive a wedge between us.

Can you ever forgive me? (Croaking)

(Clearing throat)

Okay, I don't mean to interrupt this super sweet, super weird reunion, but can we get out of here?

Oh, absolutely!

Mrs. Kipling, lead the way.

Yeah, let's boogie.

I hear mole men are night feeders.

Hi, I'm Emma Ross, and I'm auditioning for Sarah.

I'm Bertram Winkle and I'm auditioning for cranky uncle.

A role he's been preparing for his whole life.

Are you ready? Let's do this.

♪ I want to be foolish ♪
♪ I want to explore ♪
♪ I wish I knew less ♪
♪ And I wish I knew more ♪
♪ The wonder of childhood ♪
♪ The wisdom of age ♪
♪ They tell me be patient You're just at that stage ♪

They're good. I know, right.

♪ The colors are fading ♪
♪ The colors are bold ♪
♪ My hair has gone silver ♪
♪ But your heart's made of gold ♪
♪ You don't have to always Believe what you're told ♪
♪ The trick is to grow up Without growing old ♪
♪ The trick is to grow up Without growing old ♪

(Audience applauding)

That was amazing!

(Sobbing)

Whatever, it was okay.

Did you like it, Zuri?

I kinda missed it.

I fell in the duck pond.

Ha! Told ya!

I'm glad everything worked out with Zuri and Mrs. Kipling.

I can't believe how fast our kids are growing up.

Yes, soon they will be driving, dating, shedding their tails.

By the way, I was wondering if I might borrow your make-up kit?

Why, does Mrs. Kipling have a date already?

No, it is for another creature.

Ravi?

Ravi, are you down here?

(Growling)

(Shrieking) It's a mole man!

(Camera clicking) Ha!

This is definitely going in the yearbook.

Wait a minute. Ravi?

Yes, it is I.

You're a mole man?

Oh, they got you! No!

Wow!