01x09 - The Bar Mitzvah

[bunniefuu]

All right.

Well, how do I look?

Sexy.

[chuckle]

At least we don't have to worry about anyone hitting on me.

Or mistaking you for a girl.

I'm so glad you were able to fill in on such short notice.

Are you kidding me? Look, I could use the extra money, so thank you.

Is everything okay with you and David?

Yeah, I guess so. Why?

Oh. Nothing.

Just tell me.

I wasn't going to say anything.

Heather saw David the other night on the Red and Tan bus headed into the city with some girl.

I'm sorry.

Think about it.

Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, Leatherface.

What do they all have in common?

What?

They're all WASPs.

White Anglo-Saxon psychopaths.

It's bullshit.

Leatherface is just his nickname.

For all we know, he could be Jewish.

Dude, he lives in Texas.

Owns a chainsaw.

I got it.

No, dude, this one's mine.

Hey, Ganz.

Yo.

Here you go.

Fresh off the boat, as in literally one of 300 in a cargo container in Red Hook a few hours ago.

[chuckling]

Where's the stuff?

In the cassette player.

Quarter of a key.

Should keep you busy for a while.

Got to run. See you, Your Highness.

Who was that?

Uh, my mom. I forgot my lunch.

Oh, mine.

Good morning, sir.

Hi.

Grab my bag, please.

Oh, yeah.

This is... It was the '79, right?

Yeah, the Mercedes.

And, kid, get a haircut.

You're starting to look like Son of Sam.

Thank you.

[tires screech, crash]

Man: What the hell?

Oh, f*ck.

Everything's fine. Are you all right?

Rizzo, come on.

Yeah.

You see this?

[people chattering]

Hey, kid, what's with the getup?

Bar mitzvah.

Oh, Mazel tov. You're finally a man.

I'm filming it.

Do you do balloon animals, too?

What's this I hear about you fooling around with Getty's daughter?

Who told you that?

A little birdie.

We're just friends.

Oh, right. Hey, I got to hand it to you, kid.

You got chutzpah.

I'm going to miss you.

See you, Herb.

Oh, uh, morning.

David.

Herb.

Mr. President.

What the hell?

Something wrong, Herb?

Yeah, there's a mix-up. This is not my bag.

All right.

Oi.

What happened?

Idiots.

[whispering]

Just like a drunkard?

Drunk driving golf course.

Aqua Velva?

[steam hissing]

[door opens]

[sighs]

Ohh.

Ahh.

Mmm!

Good morning.

Nasser.

What the hell are you wearing?

Oh. A towel.

On your head.

Oh, this.

I'm... I'm merely preparing for the boat I intend to purchase with my Galexa windfall.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We're alone in here.

That's not the point.

You've been sh**ting your mouth off, and people are starting to talk.

Sorry.

What are you going to do with a boat?

Mine are an ocean-going people, and I hear the siren call of the sea.

Yeah? Well, that's not the sea you hear.

That's the sound of money being flushed down a toilet.

Boats... big money pits.

Really?

Trust me. Piece of advice.

If if flies, floats, or fucks, rent it.

Oh.

Ah, Herb. I could hug you.

I'm sorry. Kid. I don't swing that way.

No, no. This is your bag.

Oh, thank you. That's yours.

W... where's the cassette player?

[phone rings]

The whatsit?

The little portable tape player.

It's about this big with headphones.

It's in the bag.

No, it's not.

Then it must have dropped out of the bag in the locker room.

Sorry.

Welcome to Red Oaks.

Thank you. We're here for the Glassman bar mitzvah.

The reception's inside the clubhouse.

Thank you.

Tip him.

What?

He's waiting for a gratuity.

No, he's not. Are you?

It's customary.

No, that's after.

It's both.

Ah, you're nuts.

You're embarrassing me. I'm sorry.

Why can't you just defer to me for once?

Mom? Dad?

Why are you so early?

The reception isn't for another hour.

Your mom wanted to see where you work.

I have to say it's lovely.

Please don't wander off or talk to anyone or do anything to get me in trouble.

No, honey.

Don't worry.

We're not wild animals. We're fine.

Whoa.

Chop-chop, Sancho. Time is shekels.

I got to go.

What are you doing?

We're David's parents.

Judy and Sam.

Oh, wow.

I would have thought uncle and sister.

Just... Just kidding, Pops.

That's a good boy you got there.

His work ethic leaves something to be desired, but that's not his fault.

It's generational. Am I right, slim?

It's Sam.

If you say so.

Whoa. Look at the time. I better say sayonara.

Save me a dance, pretty lady.

Okay.

Kiss you later.

What's wrong with you?

Reggie, dude, did you find a cassette player?

Yeah.

Oh. Thank God. Where is it?

Took it to the lost and found.

Should have put it in the trash.

Piece of sh*t didn't work.

Couldn't even get it open.

Did you go in to the city with some girl?

I...

Please don't lie to me.

Heather said she saw you two on the Red and Tan bus.

Yeah, but it was...

Who is she?

Her name's Skye.

Getty's daughter?

She's just a friend. We went to see a Rohmer movie I knew I'd never get you to see.

So this is my fault, right?

No.

Because I'm not smart enough to appreciate your stupid subtitled movies, so you had to find someone who does?

No, that's not what I said.

You are f*cking unbelievable, David.

Karen.

A-woo, someone's in the doghouse.

You want my advice?

No.

Yes, well, after giving it some thought, I've decide to go with the bigger engine... the 250 horsepower, in fact.

Yes, no measly 220 will cut it for me.

I want to feel a stiff wind slap me across the face like I've wronged it in some way.

Oh, you know what, Molly?

I'm going to have to call you back.

Right. Hello. Can I help you?

We just want to see where our son David works.

Oh, my goodness.

As I live and breathe. Welcome.

I'm Judy Myers, and this is my husband Sam.

Let me just say the two of you have raised an exemplary young man.

David is one of the finest assistants I've ever worked with.

Oh, that's nice, very nice.

Oh, that is such a sweet thing to say, Mr. Nasser.

Ah, Judy, don't insult me now. You can call me Nash or call me nothing at all.

So you in the market for a boat, huh?

Ah, yes, yes, I am.

I'm currently shopping for one as we speak.

Do you know anything about them?

Only that they depreciate faster than a Pinto the minute it's been driven off the lot.

Certified public accountant.

Are there certain tax implications to boat ownership I should know about?

Depends. Going to be your primary residence?

Uh, let's say possibly.

If so, you deduct the interest like as a mortgage.

Or you call it a charter, and then you convert it from a personal asset into a business one.

Really?

Hmm.

You know what?

Give it a rest, Sam.

So what are you going to name your boat?

It's funny you should ask.

The Wyndfall.

That is so pretty.

Thank you.

♪ You see, 1, 2, 3 ♪
♪ Are you ready to do the freak? ♪
♪ You know, I go 1, 2, 3 ♪
♪ Are you ready? Are you ready? ♪

Here we go. Bar mitzvah boy.

Cheese!

All right, this whole table over here, look at me. Say Sandy Koufax.

Sandy Koufax.

♪ ... than a pack of mice ♪
♪ I'm the L-O-V-E, the B-U-G ♪
♪ That's clear what the young ladies see in me ♪
♪ I'm 5 to 9, I love them right on time ♪
♪ I take the yellow bright out of the sunshine ♪

[snapping fingers]

Hey, video boy.

I'll give you 10 bucks if you get us some booze.

Excuse me.

Okay, 20.

I... I can't.

Don't be a dickwad.

Look, I'd love to help, but I don't want to get fired.

p*ssy.

Hey.

Problem?

Did you see what that little fucker just did?

That little fucker's a man today, and he's Mr. Glassman to you, chico.

Now go set up by the dance floor.

They're about to do the Hora.

Go. And don't get dizzy.

[sigh]

Yes.

Good morning.

Good morning.

[tires screech]

Oh, God.

Fat little fucker.

Came out of nowhere.

Is he breathing?

You saw that, right?

He stepped right out in front of me.

Help me lift him.

[groaning]

f*ck. [Grunt] f*cking heavy.

♪ ♪ ["Hava Nagila"]

Do you remember David's bar mitzvah?

How could I forget? He's wearing the same suit.

♪ Some day ♪
♪ He will come along ♪
♪ Some day ♪
♪ And he'll be... ♪

There's our song.

Is it?

♪ Some day ♪
♪ He will... ♪

We should dance.

Do you want to?

Yeah.

♪ Along ♪
♪ Some day he'll come along ♪
♪ That man I love ♪
♪ Someday he'll come along ♪

Do you think he's going to be okay?

Who?

Our son.

Yeah, why not? He's a grown man.

20 is not grown.

When I was 20, I was freezing my ass off in a foxhole.

Yeah, but he's always been so sensitive.

Well, that he gets from you.

Maybe.

I just want him to be happy.

I just want him to be employed.

Come on. Be serious.

Yes.

I hope he's happy.

Honey, can I ask you a question?

Yes.

When did you stop loving me?

[scoff]

Never.

I still love you. I will always love you.

You're not happy being married to me.

What about you?

Are you happy?

Happy.

I'm happy if I look at the obituary page and I'm not listed.

♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm so lonely ♪
♪ Won't you send him to me? ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ ♪ [rap]

Spielberg.

Hey, guys.

Oh, I, uh, I brought you something.

Outstanding.

Is it hot?

Yeah, yeah, it's hot. Yeah, definitely.

Let's get out of here.

Okay.

Is he dead? He looks dead.

I don't think he's dead, Kimberly.

He's probably just stoned.

Wh... where is it?

Where... Where is my cassette player?

Your cassette... Oh, my God.

See? See? He's fine.

My cassette player.

Hey, have you seen my cassette player?

No.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

Feels like it's glued shut.

I don't know. Maybe the battery leaked or something.

Guys, look, I need help, please.

Some kid puked. Just mop it up.

That'd be awesome. Thanks.

[scoff, muttering in Spanish]

You know this busboy Taco who knows how to fix electronic sh*t?

One of the groundskeepers sold him a cassette player I lost.

Sorry, man.

f*ck.

S... sorry.

You know Taco?

Sure.

Where is he?

Mopping up barf out there.

Want to make a quick 50 bucks?

Sweetie, why don't you see if Mom's got us a table, would you? I am starving.

Hey.

How about you, Mark?

You hungry?

[voices muffled]

Hey, Mark, this is David.

David's one of our tennis pros here.

Got to get a little hot playing in that three-piece, huh?

I'm off today. I'm just here videoing for a bar mitzvah.

Mark's visiting us all the way from California.

I say visiting us. We know who he's visiting.

Mark is actually Skye's b...

I won't say boyfriend. What do I say? Fella?

Pal? What do you kids call it these days?

What would you describe it, you and Skye?

Good friends.

There you go.

What part of, uh, California?

Out near Palo Alto.

He's being very modest.

He's actually started med school up at Stanford.

Cool.

Right? You guys chitty-chat.

I'm going to hit the men's room.

How long have you and Skye been friends?

Uh, off and on, a couple of years now.

What are you now?

Excuse me?

Off or on?

I'm not sure I follow.

No, because I didn't think she had boyfriends.

Nice to meet you, David.

♪ ♪ [rap]

Hey, can we get a refill here?

Oh, sure.

Uh, thank you.

Is it regular or Sanka?

I don't know.

Hey. Hey. You Taco?

Yeah, I'm Taco. What?

Do you... Do you have my cassette player?

No. No, I don't have no cassette player.

Where the hell you been, Chachi?

Sorry.

That was a gift from my grandmother, you piece of sh*t.

I don't have a f*cking cassette player with me.

You're going to want to go hand-held so you can get in there and really see Bar Mitzvah Boy's reactions.

Nobody's going to be more excited to see a cake than this kid.

Look at me right now.

Where am I going to hold a cassette player?

I'm cleaning the throw up.

Hey. You even listening?

Hey!

Uh, sorry. Uh...

You got to get your head in the game, bro.

Don't touch me.

You got a real bad attitude.

I'm starting to wonder if you've even got a future in this business.

Maybe I don't want one.

What's that?

Nothing.

Do you think you're too good for this?

Is that it, Kubrick?

Is this a waste of your talents?

You think you should be out there sh**ting rock videos for Jay Geils?

Well, I got a news flash for you.

You're no artist. Truth is I don't know if you've got any talent whatsoever.

I only said you did as a favor to your lady.

Like you'd even know.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're a f*cking wedding photographer.

That's just on the side.

Of what, your day job at f*cking Rolling Stone?

Wrong, Frodo. I wouldn't work there even if they asked me to.

Save the bullshit for Karen.

And while we're on the subject, stop telling her she has a future in modeling just so you can nail her. It's pathetic.

Well, it's no bullshit.

The camera loves her.

Doesn't matter what she's got on... or doesn't.

What?

Oh. You don't believe me?

Here.

Take a look.

See for yourself.

Mm-hmm.

Keep going.

It gets better.

f*ck you.

Hey, watch it, pipsqueak.

[gasp]

Oh, my gosh.

What the hell is wrong with you, David?

[voices distorted]

[no audible dialogue]

How are you getting home?

Wheeler's going to give me a ride.

Are you guys, like, together?

[chuckling] I don't know.

Uh, maybe. It's weird.

See you tomorrow?

Bye.

What's wrong?

I f*cked up big-time.

Karen: We need to talk.

Uh, I only have a minute.

My folks are just getting the car.

I didn't cheat on you with Barry, if that's what you're thinking.

I mean, I wouldn't blame you if it is after seeing those pictures.

Which, by the way, I was totally planning on showing you eventually.

Okay.

Would you have eventually told me about going to New York with Getty's daughter?

Probably not.

You're an assh*le.

Karen, c... can we please talk about this like adults?

[scoff]

No, we can't because you're not.

You are just a little boy, and nothing has changed since high school.

You still live with your parents, and you hang out with your stoner friends, and you... you ride a bike.

You act as if life is one big summer vacation, and it's not, David.

Summer's f*cking over, and you need to grow up.

What the hell were you thinking?

I didn't raise you to be a violent person.

I didn't even let you play with toy g*ns.

What the hell were you thinking?

I made you watch Free To Be You and Me.

Forget the chickenshit job at the club.

If that schmuck with the mustache presses charges, NYU can cut your financial aid.

What the hell were you even thinking, David?

A Bergen County boy had a very unorthodox bar mitzvah gift when it turned out on Saturday it was discovered a portable cassette player he was given was stuffed full of cocaine.

Police are still investigating how the narcotics worth an estimated $10,000 wound up among 13-year-old Jeffrey Glassman's gifts.