01x05 - Can't Fight this Seedling

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Planet looks harmless enough.

So did the last place The Collector sent us.

Until it wasn't.

I am Groot.

We are being followed.

Lose 'em?

Nah. Let's get a look at 'em first.

These so-called "Guardians" are gonna mess up sooner or later.

And when they do, I'm gonna throw them all in Kyln prison.

Wait... Where'd they go?

Are they nuts?

How's it goin'?

You lowlifes won't get away with this.

You really want to provoke that space-cop again, Quill?

The real question is, how did Titus follow us all the way from Conjunction?

Might have had something to do with this tracker.

Oops.

Peter: All right, we're looking for one large Pandorian crystal.

It should stick out like a sore thumb in all this leafy green stuff.

(WIND HOWLING)

So what do you think, big guy?

See any long-lost relatives?

Some missing branches from the family tree?

I am Groot.

Hey. Lay off of Groot.

Oh, come on. I'm just kiddin' around.

He doesn't understand half of what I say anyway.

No one understands most of what you say, but that ain't the point!

He's... Sensitive.

(LAUGHS) Look, he's a log!

We should get moving.

Right.

Let's go find us a crystal.

I am Groot!

It's all right, buddy. You can hang out here and watch the Milano instead.

See? You hurt his feelings!

(GROANS)

Peter: The Collector said the crystal should be somewhere in this village.

(CHATTERING)

Rocket: Yeah, great!

A whole town full of tree-K*llers.

Good thing Groot ain't here to see this.

Crystal, dead ahead.

Rocket: (SCOFFS) Even better!

They worship the d'ast crystal.

Don't worry. I've got a plan.

Okay. These disguises are just offensive.

You! What are you doing back there?

(GRUNTING)

Great plan, Quill...

And by "great," I mean lousy.

Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy - S01E05

Well? What are you doing there?

I was just, uh...

Fixing your sacred crystal here.

What sort of blade is that?

This? It's a laser scalpel.

Well, it might prove useful against the monsters.

What do you want for it?

Oh! Oh... I couldn't part with this.

Uh, my dear father k*lled six forest monsters with it.

It's probably worth... (SIGHS)

I mean, as much as this crystal.

Agreed! The crystal...

For the blade.

(SIGHS) You drive a hard bargain, mister.

Ha! I can't believe that chump traded the crystal for a crummy pocket Kn*fe.

(LAUGHING) I can't believe that fool gave me this amazing blade for that worthless hunk of rock!

(BRANCHES SNAPPING)

I am Groot. I am Groot!

(CROWD SCREAMING) Huh?

I am Groot. I am Groot!

It's okay! It's okay, he's with us.

No monsters here, I promise.

Huh?

(ROARING)

I stand corrected.

Back, foul creatures.

Go. Now!

(GRUNTING)

I am Groot. Yeah!

That was awesome, huh?

I am Groot!

(GRUNTS) (SHRIEKS)

You could 've warned me!

I am Groot!

(GRUNTING)

Villager: Leave our village, foul beasts!

You get out of here!

Let us celebrate our victory and our heroic friends with a feast! (CHEERING)

(NERVOUSLY) I am Groot!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

(CHATTERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

(CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Yes! Right down the middle in one blow.

Take that, Mr. Log!

I am Groot.

Hey! Show a little sensitivity, huh?

Lighten up. It's a party!

For the heroic...

Guardians of the Galaxy!

I am Groot?

I think you better hold onto it, buddy.

You're the responsible one.

So those stone creatures.

Have they att*cked you before?

Mmm.

The Rexians first appeared after a fireball flew across the sky, streaking off to the west.

A few days later, we noticed the fungus spreading through the forest.

And then, those creatures.

Rocket: Try and have some fun, huh?

Hey, I promise, nobody's gonna chop you down.

They'd have to get through me first.

I am Groot. I am Groot!

I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot!

I am Groot! I am Groot!

(WHIRRING)

You'd think a walking tree would be a little more careful about forest fires.

(CREAKING) I am Groot.

(GROANS) What?

Ow!

Drax: They no longer appear grateful.

Peter: Nearly getting your whole town b*rned down?

It's kind of a mood-k*ller.

Yeah, I think we'll be going now.

We can't leave them vulnerable to another rock monster att*ck.

Agreed.

I have become quite fond of the little wood-choppers.

Besides, we ain't goin' nowhere...

Till you apologize to Groot!

He tries to torch the whole village, and I got to apologize?

Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS) Fine.

(MURMURING)

Peter: Groot, why'd you leave!

Get it? 'Cause you're a tree!

(GRUNTS)

Dude, is that mold?

Ugh! Gross.

Groot! Come on, man. Lighten up!

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS) Yo, Groot! That you?

(GRUNTS)

Hey. Uh, apparently I said something that you took the wrong way, and... Can you at least look at me?

I'm trying to be sincere here.

Okay, fine. If you're gonna be that way, I won't look at you, either.

How's that? (GROWLING)

I mean, I bust on your little buddy Rocket all the time, and you don't see him getting all weepy.

(GROWLING)

(SNARLING)

(ROARING)

Come on, man. If that's all you're gonna say...

Whoa!

I am Groot!

(CHATTERING)

Peter: Guys? We have a problem!

I am Groot!

Quill? What did you do?

Me?

Elder:- It's the fungus!

It's taken him over, just like the rock creatures!

(GROOT ROARING)

(ROARING)

Oh, you've got to be kidding!

(GASPS) (GROOT ROARS)

(SNARLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) He's growing out of control.

How can we stop Groot without hurting him?

(GRUNTING)

Groot. (SCREAMING)

Groot! You gotta cut it out! You're acting crazy!

I am Groot. (SCREAMING)

Ugh! He's just talking gibberish!

Oh, when I say that, it's an insult?

Seriously! Even I can't understand him.

(ROARING)

Well, this worked pretty well on the rock dudes.

(SHOUTING) Timber!

I am Groot.

I don't think that's gonna keep the big guy down long.

(GRUNTS)

Drax: If fungus controls him, we must remove the fungus.

Peter: Okay, problem.

The fungus is all up inside him, too.

And... So is the crystal?

Don't bother. I gave it to him for safekeeping.

We need to stop Groot's infection from the inside of the root.

If you'll... Pardon the expression.

All right. Me and Rocket will go in and figure out how to deal with the fungus.

You guys stay out here and protect the villagers if the beanstalk here wakes up.

Huh? (GROANS)

As in, Jack and the Beanstalk?

(GROWLS) Famous earth legend?

Okay. See, there's these magic beans, and...

You know what? Never mind. (GRUMBLES)

Come on! I saw a big knothole down by his leg!

Peter: (SIGHS) Never thought I'd have to play tree surgeon.

Rocket: Really, Quill? You're goin' there?

Yeah, that's not creepy at all.

Poor guy. That's gotta hurt.

Wow! He's empty inside.

Rocket: Oh, there you go again!

It so happens that Groot has a rich inner life!

He's a deep thinker, man.

No, I mean he's literally "hollow."

Rocket: Yeah, he... Oh, yeah.

I guess he is. (SCOFFS) Weird.

Don't look now, but here comes the welcoming committee.

(ANGRY SHOUTING) They do not look very welcoming.

Elder: Destroy the monster!

Gamora: Hold on!

I don't know what you're planning, but that "monster" is our friend.

And our other friends are inside that friend.

I'm very sorry, but the only thing that has kept this infection from spreading is fire!

We must burn every trace of the fungus we find.

(CROWD YELLING) Burn the monster!

Peter: Ugh. This stuff is everywhere.

It's like a neon noodle factory threw up on everything.

No wonder he's going nutso.

Don't worry, buddy. We'll get this gunk out of your system.

Somehow.

Maybe we can burn the fungus without hurting Groot too badly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You see that sticky stuff on the walls?

One little spark, and that sap goes "Whoosh!"

So now flamethrowers, no element blaster, and don't even think about using those jet boots.

(YELLING)

We must not hurt them...

Badly.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Fire in the knothole!

Rocket: That ain't funny!

I am Groot.

(BOTH GASP)

(YELLING)

Drax: There are too many.

Gamora: Grab on!

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Okay, either I'm tree-sick, or your big, wooden buddy is tilting.

That hot-foot must have woke him up!

(CREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

(ROCKET SCREAMS) Oh, come on!

I'm supposed to light the firewood, not the other way around!

Still not funny, Quill!

Peter: Groot! I hate roasted vegetables!

Rocket: Not even close to funny!

(PETER SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ROCKET GRUNTS) (CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(WOOD CREAKING) Oh, flarg.

(ROCKET SCREAMS)

I got ya, little buddy!

(GRUNTING)

(ROCKET GRUNTS)

We get out of here alive, we don't tell nobody about this, okay? (YELPING)

Come on. Let's get up to the top before he decides to breakdance.

Yeah. No idea what that means!

And you say Groot don't make no sense.

I am Groot.

(GRUNTS)

Keep Groot busy.

He can't att*ck the village if he's after us.

I shall do my best to occupy his attention.

(GROOT ROARING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROOT SNARLING)

(GRUNTS)

I am Groot!

(BLADE RINGING) (GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING) (STRAINING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROOT ROARING)

Drax, look!

That meteor must be the source of the fungus.

Then I will destroy it at once!

(GROOT GROANING)

Titus to Nova Headquarters.

I'm attempting to neutralize the mutative menace.

This day just gets better and better!

I do not see how a Nova Corps att*ck improves our situation.

(g*ns f*ring)

I am Groot.

Peter: What the krutack is that?

I don't know. His heart?

Plants don't have hearts!

Except hearts of palm. And celery hearts.

You finished?

Think so.

No, wait, artichoke hearts! (CHUCKLES)

Now, I am finished.

Rocket: Whatever it is, the fungus withers when it gets close to it.

Maybe that's how we b*at this thing!

Peter: Pandorian crystal at 12 o'clock.

Hello, beautiful.

Jeez, Quill. Can't you focus on Groot for once?

I am! I'm all about saving Groot!

But while we figure out how to do that...

I'm gonna grab this crystal!

Fine, fine. Grab the lousy...

'Kay. ROCKET: Huh?

Uh, Quill?

Something weird over here.

Hang on...

Almost got it...

(SNARLING)

Quill! Behind you!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(SPLASHING)

Quill!

Hey! Little help here?

Rocket: Quill?

I am Groot!

Titus here.

Conventional weapons proving ineffective against current thr*at.

Requesting clearance to use anti-matter ordnance.

Officer: (OVER RADIO) Request denied, corpsman!

The resulting expl*si*n would likely destroy the village and its...

(BEEPS)

That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Gamora: Anti-matter missiles!

Is he insane? He'll k*ll us all!

No. He will not.

(YELLING)

(THUDS) (GRUNTS)

(CREAKING) (GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(DRAX YELLING)

One down, four to go.

(GROANING)

Snap out of it!

(ROARING)

Come on! Say something, Quill!

A stupid tree joke. Anything!

(SOFTLY) I am Groot!

Rocket: Quill? What are you watering that thing for?

Peter: I am Groot!

(ECHOING) I am Groot!

Rocket: I don't know what you did, Quill, but you're k*lling off the fungus!

(GROOT ROARING)

I am Groot!

Groot. Are you all right?

Lock target and fire.

(BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

(SCREAMS)

(GROWLING) I told you I would destroy the fungus.

Is it just me, or is it getting cramped in here?

Peter: I am Groot!

(GRUNTS) That's offensive!

But it don't get funnier with repetition!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(GROOT GRUMBLING) Huh?

(CREAKING)

So, what happened?

How did you get rid of the fungus?

I am Groot.

Seriously, knock it off!

(MUFFLED) I am Groot! I...

I am Groot!

I am Groot, I am Groot.

Your friend.

And that expl*si*n?

The meteor that brought the fungus has been destroyed.

And without the fungus to infect them, no more monsters.

Titus: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Attention! You're under arrest for interfering with a Nova Corps officer in the course of his duties.

Now, stand clear, so I can blast that monster.

The Guardians of the Galaxy are heroes, not criminals.

If you would do them harm, you'll have to go through us first.

And I don't imagine Nova Corps takes kindly to one of their own slaughtering innocents.

(GRUMBLING) Fine.

But I still got my eye on you...

Guardians. (CROWD YELLING)

(CHEERING)

Listen, Quill, I'm sorry you had to leave your crystal.

I am Groot.

(COUGHS) I am Groot!

(BEEPING)

Oh, another point on the map to... Something.

The Cosmic Seed? My dad?

(GRUMBLES) I am Groot.

Yeah, I get it.

Carrying around the thing that can grow back your entire civilization inside you?

You're a lot more than just a log.

Rocket: There you guys are! Hey, listen... I gotta know.

What happened when you touched the big, glowy thing, huh?

I am Groot!

(LAUGHING) I am Groot!

Ah! I know you can talk again.

I heard you sing into your stupid tape!

(SIGHS) It's kind of a blur.

I mean, I still can't understand what Groot says, but...

I think I know what he means.

Oh, you think! Well...

I know exactly what he means.

(LAUGHING) Is that right, bud?

I am Groot.

That's okay, big guy. I'll keep your secret.

(CHUCKLING)