01x08 - The Driving Test

[bunniefuu]

Guys, check it out.

I pass the written test in my Driver's Ed class.

I got a few wrong, but they were kinda hard.

"When you hear an emergency siren, what do you do?"

You wrote, "Roll up the windows?"

Dude. The answer is, "Crank up the jams!"

[chuckles] What's important is, I'm one step closer to passing Driver's Ed so I can get my license.

And you know what that means.

Poppin' wheelies, doin' donuts, and burning rubber!

I'll tell you what it means.

You can drive us to the fancy new Galleria!

Ooh! I hear that place has a Raisin Hut! Oh!

Seriously? There's a place that sells different kinds of raisins?

Oh, no. They just sell the one kind.

But they're so plump you'd swear they were grapes.

Okay, slow down, guys. I don't officially pass Driver's Ed until Miss Davis gives me my road test.

Relax. I heard she passes everybody.

She's like a hundred years old.

Good point.

Maybe I'll just turn the windshield wipers on and they'll gently rock her to sleep.

Oh. Ashley, Franklin. Good to see you.

Wendell.

School's not the place for your personal ads, Janice.

What are you lookin' for this time? Tall, dark and desperate?

It's a flier for next week's Miss Frontier competition, and I'm hosting.

Whoo! This combines my two favorite things... history and rugged women. [chuckles]

Yes. I have a type.

It's a series of physical challenges to find the toughest teenage girl in town who best embodies the spirit of our founder, Pioneer Patty Perkins.

Hey!

Stop trying to teach us stuff outside of class!

No one cares about your dumb...

Whoa! There's a prize!

This year's winner gets a ten-minute shopping spree through the Galleria. Whatever you can carry, you can keep!

Oh, man. You know what we could get?

Both: Video games!

Franklin: Raisins!

If I won, I'd grab a cheese wheel and that hunky mannequin from the cologne store.

That'd be one sick weekend. Whoo!

I should sign up.

Yeah! You're good at stuff!

And technically a girl!

I don't know.

Look at her... she's got these skinny little bird bones.

How tough can she... Ohh!

She's actually pretty tough.

[title music]

<b>1x08 - The Driving Test</b>

All right, gamers, today I'm gonna show you how to pass Driver's Ed.

First, you ace your written test.

That's right, it's a C. Third best grade you can get.

Next you gotta pass your road test.

Which shouldn't be a problem for me... I've logged hundreds of hours playing the racing game Speedy Demons.

Just like real life. Except for the zombies. And the demons.

And the highway that leads to the Flaming Pit of Doom.

But other than that, it's just like real life.

Hello, Conor. Ready to hit the road?

Oh, you don't hit the road. You drive safely on it.

You taught me that, Miss Davis. [laughs]

Five points for charm!

You know, you remind me of one of my favorite stars from the moving pictures. His name was Yankee Allen.

He could play the piano with his feet. [laughing]

Oh. He's dead now.

[chuckles] That story never gets old... just like you.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Another five points!

Now prepare to be blown away by some kick-butt driving.

[starts car]

Oh, I'm ready.

Just check your mirrors and pull out nice and easy...

Yaaaaah!

[tires screeching]

[inaudible]

Hey Franklin. What's up?

I've been checking out some of these rugged girls.

Smart!

Trying to figure out if I can b*at them in the competition.

Uh, yeah. [chuckles] Let's go with that.

Look, your coach might not be taking this seriously, but I am. I've already got a kick-butt plan.

It's called "Operation Cheat and Make Sure They Lose."

Now, how it's going to work is, I'm going to cheat and make sure...

Yeah. We get it.

It's not going to be necessary, Wendell. She's a great athlete.

And I'm a great coach.

Yeah. There is no one here I can't b*at.

This wall is a girl!

[growls]

What was that thing?!

That's Elsie Dobbins.

She's won Miss Frontier the last three years.

[Elsie growling in distance]

Elsie, dear, we talked about this. Put that hot dog cart down.

Elsie: But I'm hungry!

Elsie?

[loud crash]

Thank you.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

[laughs]

Yeah! That felt pretty good!

Miss Davis?

That was the single worst experience of my life.

And I was on the Titanic!

In the winter of 1846....

Lame!!!

In the winter of 1846, Patty Perkins' wagon train got trapped in 20 feet of snow while traveling through the Redwood Mountains.

One by one, her family starved to death.

But Patty survived. Do you know why?

Because she ate her dead family?

No! What is wrong with you?!

She at the bark off of pine trees!

And that's why our first competition is the Pine Bark Buffet.

You must eat this bowl of pine bark in two minutes to advance to the next round. Ready, set, gnaw!

[cowbell clanks]

Time to work my ruckus magic.

I'll distract the other girls with my man beauty.

Oh, this window is so dirty!

I better give it a good wash!

[rock music]

[retching]

Madison is eliminated!

[clanking]

Not exactly what I was going for, but whatever works.

So, gamers, turns out real driving is way different than it is in video games.

I mean, in real life, when you accidentally take out a fire hydrant, you get absolutely zero bonus points!

Not to mention a bunch of people looking at you like this: Aaaah!

Anyway, Miss Davis was so shaken up she retired, and now spends her days arguing with her microwave.

I'll use the popcorn button when I want to! [beep]

Anyway, that's why I spent all week studying and now I'm ready to retake my test.

I should fine as long as my new instructor isn't some kind of crazy nut job.

[grunting]

That is why I will be the toughest driving instructor in this lousy school.

[clank]

Forgetting to check your mirrors is like playing a football game without the most important player... the punter.

Wow. Great point.

You are an amazing teacher, Mr. Spanks.

You trying to soften me up by Kissin' Heinie?

What?! I would never do that! And to prove it...

I made you this delicious cake.

It's a Driver's Ed car.

You think one cake is gonna make up for what you did to Miss Davis?

I was kinda hopin'. [cackling]

Mmm. Buttercream.

This next event was inspired by the time Patty jumped on a wild grizzly bear's back and rode it out of town all the way to Yuba City where it ate ten of those dirty Yubans!

Yeah!

Girls, your challenge will be to ride this mechanical bear for nine seconds.

Our first rider is... eliminated!

[clanking]

Looks like somebody loosened that saddle strap.

It was me!

I still don't know how we're gonna b*at Elsie.

Don't worry.

I think somebody may have greased up her saddle.

Again, it was me!

You know what? Patty didn't use a saddle.

So Elsie's not gonna, either!

She's riding that bear's back bareback! You go, girl!

[roaring]

Looks like somebody's plan to eliminate Elsie didn't work.

It was you!

[cowbell clanking]

And Elsie's moving into the final round!

Arrghh!

Ashley, nine seconds and you're moving on.

Now, as your coach, I just want to give you a couple of words of encouragement.

Don't mess this up, blondie! I need those raisins!

Ow! That's kinda tight.

That's how it's supposed to be.

You want to stay on this thing or not?

I'm telling you, I can't feel my...

And go!

Aaah!

Yeah!

And she did it!

Wait. I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

Turn it up?

[screams]

That's the Patty Perkins spirit!

[screaming]

You tied it too tight! She can't get off!

[crash]

Meh. She's off now.

Mr. Spanks, I'm really sorry about what happened with Miss Davis, but I just want to let you know I am totally prepared.

I even memorized the entire driver's handbook.

Well, than answer me this: What is the maximum speed allowed for an RV towing a fishing boat through a school zone?

Ah, trick question, sir. An RV isn't permitted to tow a fishing boat through a school zone.

Really? That's why the cops took my boat!

Ahem. Now, here's how it's going down, Buster Brown.

If even a single drop of this coffee... spills anywhere in this car, you, sir, fail Driver's Ed.

Oh, come on, Mr. Spanks...

Start the car!!!

Okay!

[starts car]

Book on CD: The fisherman kissed the mermaid and gently caressed her scaly...

[turns CD off]

[chuckles] This thing... That is not mine. Apparently a burglar broke into the car to listen to his romance novel. [chuckles]

Now drive!

[blows]

Yes! I didn't spill a single drop!

Even after potholes, speed bumps, and you repeatedly kicking the dashboard.

[laughing] It spilled!

You, sir, have failed. No license for you!

Wait, come on! We were parked! That doesn't count!

Stickler for the rules!

Now slide over. I'm driving home since you are clearly unfit to drive. [chuckles]

Watch and learn.

[thud]

You hit something!

I certainly did not.

Okay? I would know if...

[both scream]

Oh, no! We hit a beaver!

What do you mean "we"? You hit a beaver!

And you spilled all your coffee!

Poor beaver.

He's nature's little lumberjack.

Why couldn't it have been a real lumberjack?!

He's still got a pulse.

Hang tough, little buddy.

I'm gonna get the first-aid kit. Don't let him slip away.

Tell him he's got something to live for.

Uh, I don't really know what...

Tell him!!!

You're gonna be okay, little buddy!

Uh, you've got so much to live for.

Like... that girl beaver you met on that log.

The year was 1851.

Still lame!

The year was 1851, and while crossing the river during salmon spawning season, Patty Perkins was ambushed by a g*ng of dirty Yuban bandits!

All: Boo!

She bravely fought them off with the only w*apon she could find... a wild king salmon!

[all cheering]

And so today our final two competitors shall face off in the Frontier Fish Fight!

All right, Ashley.

It'll be just like playing Fish Whacker Pro.

Or Salmon Slugger.

Or any of those fish-based fighting games.

You're right!

I'm gonna destroy her.

Yeah!

How ya feelin', Elsie?

You're a senior, it's your last year to compete... you must be so excited.

This is crazy!

I should have b*at that gamer girl by now.

I can't lose. I'm not cool or fancy or smells good like the other girls.

Winning Miss Frontier is all I have.

It's my one day of the year where people pay attention to me.

I'm sorry, what was that? I was checking my CatCam.

[cat meows]

Never mind.

[sobbing] You gotta pull through.

[crying] You gotta!

[whoosh]

Ohh! What did you eat?

I can't find the first-aid kit!

We gotta get him to the vet.

You drive, I'll give him mouth-to-mouth.

But I only have my permit.

Fine. You give him mouth-to-mouth.

I'll drive.

Just in case Ashley punches the pooch, I loaded a little surprise in this T-shirt cannon.

When the salmon start flying, we'll see how Elsie deals with a face full of fish guts!

All right, girls, ready, set... fish fight!!! [yelling]

All right, everyone, pick up your fish... the salmon are starting to run!

Those video games are mine.

Eat a bag of fish guts, Elsie.

[trigger clicking]

This dumb thing must be clogged.

I know how to fix that.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Pipe down. I know what I'm doing.

That thing is going to go off.

It won't go off.

Here, I'll put the safety on.

[splat]

Ohhh... that was the problem.

[both yelling]

You got this!

Finish her!

Elsie's voice: Winning Miss Frontier is all I have...

[echoing] I have... I have...

Nooo!

[clanking]

And we have a winner!

Elsie Dobbins is your four-time Miss Frontier!

This is my moment! I'm a princess.

Seat belt, check. Mirrors, check.

Hands at ten and two...

[beaver growling] He's awake! And he's not happy!

Get us to the vet on Old Mill Road.

But that's in the middle of nowhere!

I'd have to go off-roading through the...

He's going for the jugular! Go! Go! Go!

Game on.

[tires screeching]

Conor: Hang on, I'm taking a shortcut!

Spanks: Look out!

Conor: Whoa!

Spanks: Turn right here!

Wait! I meant turn left!

Right here! No wait, I was wrong.

Turn right!

[beaver growling]

That was some pretty amazing driving, Conor.

You just passed Driver's Ed.

What? Are you kidding me?!

That is so... aaah... messed up, man!

I mean, for you to drive that safely under so much pressure, you, my friend, are ready for the open road.

And I am feeling a little dizzy.

How'd you blow it?

You were one fish slap away from sweet victory.

I did the best cheating of my life for nothing!

Hey, when you do good things for other people, good things will happen to you.

It's called caramel.

What good could possibly come from letting that truck of a woman have our shopping spree?

Sweet mother of mall madness! Look!

[thud]

I got this video game stuff for you.

I don't understand. That was your shopping spree.

I know you let me win. I never cared about the prize, I just wanted to be Miss Frontier.

And maybe grab a few boxes of raisins from the Raisin Hut.

[gasping]

I love the Raisin Hut!

Their raisins are so plump...

Both: ...you'd swear they were grapes!

Whoa, you're a rugged one, aren't ya?

Uh, this is getting a little weird.

Shall we?

Yes, we shall.

I guess he does have a type.

Uh-huh.

No, I understand.

He's not gonna make it?

Ohh!

Well, you did all you could.

Oh. Uh...

I guess you could just toss it in the trash.

Maybe you could take it home and your kids could eat it?

[groaning]

Thanks for trying.

The pizza delivery guy got lost.

Uhhh!

Well... I guess we could just order something from Billy's.

I think he's suffered enough.