04x06 - Road Trip

[bunniefuu]

Honey, what are you doing?

I just said good-bye to the little guy.

You think he's gonna be all right without me?

Yes.

Did you memorize the "Our Father" so you could say it to him every night?

Danny, I know it perfectly.

Our Father who art in heaven, Halloween thy name.

Maybe I shouldn't go.

Danny, it's gonna be fine. You know why?

Why?

Because I made this Danny mobile to put over his crib. Pretty cute, huh?

I have one for myself, but it's just pictures of your wiener.

Okay, babe, I'll be back as soon as I can.

I just got to get my dad settled in with an in-home nurse.

It's okay. I can be a single mom for a while.

That's the lie I tell anyway to get out of jury duty.

Leave it to my dad to screw up my life again.

I'm gonna miss Leo's first haircut.

I wanted to be there to show him where Vito hides the "Playboys."

Babe, you have to let go of this resentment of your father.

All right? It's not good for you.

Did you learn nothing from my Dr. Phil calendar?

I learned that you still don't know when my birthday is.

I know when your birthday is.

It's around the VMAs.

Close enough. Get over here.

I'm really gonna miss you.

No, not me. I'm excited to get you out of my hair.

I got a lot of stuff to do.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I can think of stuff to do.

Got room for a third tongue?

Remind me again why Morgan has to come?

Okay, you were the one who didn't want to fly.

It is not safe to drive across the country by yourself.

Everyone's got g*ns, and they're all fat from fried food.

Maybe I should go.

Hey, we are gonna have the best time.

And some of my new medications, I need someone to really shove it up there.

Come on.

All right.

See?

Now, come on, don't worry. Go, get out of here.

Give me one more.

Okay.

I love you.

I love you.

Okay.

Hey, I heard the strip club opens soon.

What?

Ah.

All right, just keep going. There's no strip club.

All right, we're in New Jersey.

I'm gonna stay off the main roads.

If the state troopers see my New York plate, I might get the old Hoboken hello.

Bunch of scumbags.

Well, I am your navigator because I have an internal compass, literally.

When I was six, I swallowed a compass.

I missed all of first grade.

Those look a lot like my glasses.

What, these glasses?

Yeah, the ones you have on right now.

No, I think we might have gotten them at the same time.

It doesn't matter.

We both have 'em. They're both great.

New York, New Jersey, Connecticut.

Whew. I can't read while I'm driving. I get a little sick.

[burps]

You okay?

Oh, God. You know what?

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a minute till the feeling passes.

No, no, no, that's good. You should...

I'm gonna let it pass.

Yeah, just close your eyes.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, are we here?

Is this California?

Oh, it's The Beverly Hills Hotel.

Looks smaller.

No, we're still in New Jersey, but this is where you got to get out.

What are you talking about?

Look, I'm gonna drop you at this motel.

You're gonna stay here for a week, and don't tell Mindy you didn't come with me.

I mean, if it's all the same to you, I'm just gonna go to California with you on a road trip.

Okay, listen, buddy, I got to take a slight detour for personal reasons, and I got to do it by myself.

So I'll see you later.

You son of a bitch.

You're having an affair.

[sighs]

You think she can just lose the baby weight like that?

We're in the middle of pie season, Jack.

Morgan, I'm not having an affair!

Now, here's $500 and get out!

No.

Take it.

What are you up to?

I said take it.

What are you up to?

Okay, I'll show you what I'm up to, okay.

What are you doing?

Okay, that's it.

Dr. C, where are you going?

You look real mad.

What are you doing?

Yeah, get out.

No, get away.

Get out.

Hey, you, get away.

Ow!

Get away.

Aah!

Huh?

Stop spanking me!

Stop! [horn honks]

[hip-hop music]

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

♪ ♪

Okay, I think we've both had time to cool off, and I think I have just the thing to turn this party right side up.

♪ Da da da da ♪

Frommer's "101 Best Celebrity Pet Graves in America."

Look at this right here, Eddie from "Frasier," remember him?

His grave is in Catoosa, Oklahoma.

Did you know David Hyde Pierce called him "the greatest actor" I've ever worked with?

Okay, we're not doing any of that.

We're only stopping for food and sleep.

Well, listen, Jack, you can choose to be angry that I'm along on your little secret mission or you can tell me what's going on.

Come on, what are the chances I'd tell Dr. L?

60, 70% tops.

Mid 80s.

I don't know, I'd probably tell her.

[4 Non Blondes' "What's up?" playing]

♪ Hey hey hey hey, hey hey hey, I said "Hey" ♪...

Music cannot quell my curiosity!

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

Please tell me your secret.

Morgan, I'm warning you.

If you keep asking me, you're not gonna like it.

No, no, no, I can help you.

Please? Come on.

Hello!

Are you giving me the silent treatment?

Okay, so the silent treatment doesn't work.

Grandmother gave me the silent treatment.

She didn't talk to me for eight months.

I never stopped talking.

[inhales deeply]

Turns out she had a pretty severe stroke.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

♪ ♪

Well, I've decided, because of the way you're treating me, I'm not going to share my delicious soft pretzel with you that I'm about to buy in that store.

So can I please borrow $2 for a soft pretzel, please?

Dr. C, please?

I hate the silent treatment.

The truth is, this is agony.

Real classy.

Get a pretzel for yourself and don't share it.

No! What?

Why would you do that?

Come on, man!

g*dd*mn one percenter.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

♪ ♪

Well, it's a new day, and I don't even want to hear your secret.

Someone told me it's not even a good secret, so I'm just gonna sit here and read my book.

And I know earlier I said sometimes I get nauseous when I read in the car, but I don't think that's gonna be a prob...

[retches] Oh! Oh, oh.

Oh! Oh.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

♪ ♪

Dr. C, I threw up also back here, but I did it quiet.

I can't take any more of the silent treatment.

It's gonna do permanent psychological harm.

[sighs]

You sadistic son of a bitch.

I hope while we're on this trip, Dr. L meets another doctor with a giant penis and Leo calls him Daddy.

Oh, you didn't like that? Do you want to say something?

'Cause I'm picturing your fiancee getting plowed by some Protestant radiologist with a huge wiener.

And then when he's done with her, he's gonna take Leo to a Red Sox game.

Ow! Ow, ow, stop. Eyes on the road. Stop, stop. Ow, ow.

Dear God, please take care of Mindy, baby Leo, Ma, little Danny, Richie, and whoever Richie's dating.

And that's it, no one else.

[clears throat]

Dear Sweet Jesus Christ, if Dr. C keeps this up, I ask that you k*ll me.

'Cause I can't take it anymore.

Also, I hope you help him in his secret little mission.

I know it's really weighing on him, whatever it is.

I want to help him but he won't tell me, so...

And please don't let grandmother fall out of the Stair Genie again.

I can't. She should only use it to go up and down.

She shouldn't sit in it recreationally.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

[sighs]

Hey, Morgan.

Oh, God! Oh, my God.

Okay, stop.

Look, I'm ready to start talking.

Thank you so much. My prayers have been answered.

Look, I'm sorry about before, and I just want to say the reason I didn't want you to come on the trip is because I've been really emotional about my dad, and I didn't want you to see me cry.

I get it.

Okay. Look, I thought...

I thought maybe to make it up to you, we could take a slight detour.

Are we in Catoosa, Oklahoma?

We sure are, pal.

Eddie. Eddie.

There it is, Eddie from "Frasier's" grave.

My book says this is the holy grail of celebrity pet monuments.

Yeah, yeah, you told me, several times.

"Eating tossed salad and scrambled eggs in heaven."

What the hell does that even mean?

We'll never know, but...

It's the theme song.

From "Frasier," the show he was on.

Never saw it.

You know what I liked? "Hunter."

You ever see "Hunter"?

Hey, you know, why don't you... why don't you get in there with Eddie?

I'll take a picture of both of you guys.

Would you like that?

Mm-hmm.

Get in there.

Let's... let's get a bunch.

Yeah, yeah, go nice and wide. That's good.

Okay, smile. Oh, that's great. We got it right there.

We got it.

Wait, Dr. C.

Dr. C!

I'll be back in a couple hours.

You lied to me! You're going on your secret mission.

Sorry!

Of all the times I have been abandoned at a celebrity pet grave, this is the most hurtful!

[suspicious music]

♪ ♪

[bicycle bell dings]

Dr. C, wait.

Are you kidding me?

Morgan, what the hell are you doing here?

What is going on?

Who's in that house?

Are you gay? Are you attracted to me?

Why not?

Okay, look, I lied. I do have a secret, and now I have to make it right.

What?

Dad, is that you?

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, hey.

Hey.

Wow. Eric, it's nice to see you.

Or meet you, I guess.

Yeah, you too.

[coughs] Introduce me.

This is Morgan, my coworker.

Coworker? I wish you didn't introduce me at all.

Didn't want to. Didn't want you to come.

Anyway, this is Eric, who is looking like he's a product of my wilder days.

Uh-huh. [laughs]

Eric, give us one sec, okay?

You son of a bitch.

You had a secret family the whole time and you never once told them about me?

Is your name even Dr. C?

No, I didn't have a secret family.

Eric only e-mailed me a month ago.

I didn't want to tell anybody until I knew it was real.

In case I was being catfished.

I heard that.

I told you about when I went to Montreal, right?

Yeah, and you were...

both: Severely beaten by a man that you thought was a female prost*tute.

Okay, we'll talk about it later.

Really embarrassing.

Anyway, I figured we'd stop here on the way and sort things out.

Eric, how'd you find me anyway?

Well, I asked my mom for years who my dad was and then finally she told me that she met a handsome, young med student named Dan at a Billy Joel concert in 1999.

Evelyn, she was the only other person in the crowd that knew all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire."

I just can't believe you're here, Dad!

Whoa, whoa.

Easy.

Eric, honey, your friends are too early for the party.

I got to get the pizza at the gas station. Oh, my God!

Dan, is that you?

Evelyn, hi.

You haven't changed.

What did you do, Eric?

Eric, you want to talk?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Let's go out back.

All right.

Oh, hey, you got a swing.

Yeah.

You want me to give you a push?

No, no, maybe later.

So you got a birthday coming up.

Yeah, next week, but I convinced mom to let me have the party today because I knew you were coming.

I just wanted my friends to see that I had a dad, especially Tyler. He's got two dads.

Yeah, I know where you're coming from.

I mean, my dad, he wasn't around much.

But I need you to know the only reason I wasn't here is because I didn't know about you.

Thanks. That means a lot.

But hell, we could start right now.

Anything I could do? Anything you need?

Yeah, I just need for you to move to Oklahoma and marry my mom.

Well, I'm so glad you guys could make it out here.

It's been a great place to raise Eric.

You know, everyone owns a g*n here, so there's no crime.

It's just accidents and suicides.

Wow. Speaking of accidents, Eric seems like a real winner.

Yeah, I just can't believe he's 16.

He's growing like a weed.

Yeah, he is really tall.

Oh, he's the tallest one in his grade.

At the fair, he got a blue ribbon for reaching things.

It's kind of a boring town.

That's really curious.

Eric doesn't seem to take after you or Dr. C, tall, blue eyes.

Oh. Oh, no, I just have bad posture now, but I was just as tall as him when I was growing up.

Hmm.

And that's our angel, Leo.

Hmm, seems like the perfect little family.

Yeah. I'm really lucky.

Oh, God, she has her pants off in that one.

So what's my brother like?

He's got a much better name than stupid Eric.

What? Eric's a great name.

It's not stupid. I know a lot of great Erics.

Okay, name one.

Eric Stoltz, okay.

He was almost in "Back to the Future."

Michael J. Fox replaced him, like, two weeks into filming.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, if I had been there, I would have named you something cool, like Lionel.

Lionel?

Yeah.

God, that's such a great name.

Why are you even here, to brag about your awesome life and then just go back to New York?

No, no, no. I wanted to meet you.

I was passing through to go to California.

You know, my... my dad had a heart att*ck.

Grandpa had a heart att*ck?

You didn't even know him.

Look, I don't want to go.

I mean, he wasn't a great dad.

Neither were you, you d*ck.

These are beautiful family photos.

Interesting, he's got brown eyes and she's got brown eyes.

But this old man, brown eyes.

You know, I think Eric got his blue eyes from somebody on Danny's side of the family.

Ah, yeah, probably.

There's just one little problem with your theory there, lady.

It's garbage.

What?

Yeah.

Why?

Because that man's fiancee had me dig through his genealogy to find out if there was any chance that she could have blue-eyed children.

And I still have the scratch marks from when I told her it was impossible.

You're busted.

Okay, I admit it.

Danny is not Eric's dad.

Eric's real dad is a big jerk and he wanted nothing to do with us.

Okay, got it. Go outside and tell him the truth right now!

That's gonna crush Eric.

It's his 16th birthday, and I don't have enough money to get him a car or even get him a name-brand cake.

Spider hero?

Okay, don't care.

You need to get out there and make it right, Mama.

Can we please just wait till after the party?

He's just so happy to have Danny here.

Please.

[sighs] Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, they do seem to be getting along.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, get off him, kid. Pick on someone your own size.

Come on! Oh, oh, oh!

No, no, no. Let him go. Let him go.

Okay, let him hit me if he wants to hit me, okay?

No.

Yes.

Castellano men express their feelings through fighting or dancing.

It's either the fists or the foot.

Except he's not a Castellano.

[gasps] What?

Stop it. You knew already.

You?

I just found out.

Eric...

Danny is not your dad.

What? He's not?

Well, then why'd you tell me he was?

Because Danny is smart and he's educated, and I just wanted you to think that you came from something good.

Well, great.

Thanks for ruining my birthday, Mom.

Oh, if my friends ask for me, just tell 'em I'm up in my room looking up how to do dr*gs.

[grunts]

I'm sorry I lied.

I had no idea that he would reach out to you.

Okay, I'm outta here.

No, no.

Why did you have to be so perceptive?

It's just my way.

[scoffs]

Eric, come back, honey. I'm sorry.

Unbelievable.

I don't know what's worse about Castellano men, how gullible we are or that we hate the feeling of condoms.

Just wait, listen to me. I am just as mad as you are, okay?

But ask yourself this, what is the best revenge?

Helping the people who lied to us.

Why the hell would I do that?

Okay, all I know, man, is this kid, Eric, he planned his whole birthday around meeting his dad.

He's gonna be so embarrassed.

All right, I got my own problems, okay?

Everyone's got problems, okay!

I got a bad back, back hair, bacne, other stuff with my back. My front is a mess.

The point is, I'm staying.

Great! I've been trying to get rid of you the whole trip.

You know what? I only came along with you so we could bond.

You know, before Leo was in the picture, you and I would make plans.

And yes, you would always cancel them, but now, you don't even make 'em.

This was supposed to be our "Thelma & Louise."

They d*ed at the end of that movie.

Exactly.

Dr. C.

See, I know you're starting the car, but you're not gonna drive away.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, babe.

How's the road trip?

Being in the Midwest make you realize how skinny I am?

It's... it's going good. We're in Oklahoma.

Oklahoma? Did you see Eddie from "Frasier's" grave?

I hear it's amazing.

How... how's Leo doing?

[crying]

Is that him crying? Put him on.

Oh, I was hoping you would say that.

All right, you're on speaker.

Hey, Leo.

I hear you're giving your ma a hard time.

Look, I get it.

If I was cooped up with her all day, I'd be crying, too.

Huh? What are you saying to him?

Listen, buddy, I love you, okay.

[crying]

Come on, stop crying.

It's okay. I can't wait to see you again.

I'm gonna be home soon.

See, it's gonna be okay.

Now, do me a favor, be good for your ma.

Oh, my God. Danny, it worked.

You're, like, a hypnotist.

I just told him I loved him.

See that, Leo?

Aren't you lucky to have such a good dad?

Oh, honey, there's a commercial on that I love, and I don't want to press pause. Okay, I love you. Bye.

[OutKast's "Hey, Yah" playing]

♪ My baby don't mess around because she loves me so ♪

Cheer up, sweetie.

I got the pop from the fancy dollar store.

Can't you try to enjoy your birthday?

Enjoy what, no dad?

Of course Tyler brought his dads.

Oh, honey, we're just as good as them.

Eric, son, it's me, your father.

I'm back from the golf club, and I'm ready to meet your friends.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh!

Aah! Don't look at me.

Keep partying. Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Dude, is that really your dad?

Leave me alone. I'm his dad.

No, I'm his dad.

Now, I know this might seem a little weird, but I'm really glad to be here to celebrate Eric's birthday.

I can't take the credit, but Eric is a great kid.

He's smart, resourceful, got a hell of a left hook.

You all should be lucky to know him.

Happy birthday.

All right.

Thanks.

Dr. C, I think I broke my neck.

You didn't break your neck, I can see your toes moving.

They are?

[rock music]

This was fun.

You know, it's been a while since I sat with some teens and talked about Christ.

Oh, that part was weird.

Look, Eric, I meant everything I said in there.

You're a great kid.

And when you think about your dad, I want you to remember this, resentment is when you take the poison and you hope the other guy gets sick.

That's good. Thanks.

Thank you.

He's smart.

That was amazing.

Yeah. I got it from the Dr. Phil calendar.

No way.

Thanks again, Danny.

And I hope you patch things up with your dad.

Thanks. Hey, I never gave you a birthday present.

What do you got.

What is that, like, a leftover gift card?

Why don't you take these?

What? Whoa, wait. Hey, really? A car?

No.

Yeah, and if you get a hot date, there's plenty of room in the backseat.

Now, you're lucky you're not a Castellano 'cause, as your mom will tell you, we don't like to wear...

Okay, Dan, we... we get it.

Happy birthday, kid.

Happy birthday, but that's not the gift.

That's not... Hey, how are we supposed to get to California?

We'll take a bus. It's not that far.

It's 34 hours away, dude.

I wanted to do something nice for the kid.

You don't even know him, man!

Okay, I wait hand and foot on you, and you gave me a free T-shirt from your bank for my birthday.

No, no, no, wait, wait. I'm incredulous.

I'm incredulous.

Look, the bus driver gave me this to give to you.

He wants to make you an honorary captain.

Look, I know you're bummed about the car.

We could have been in a climate-controlled car.

We could have listened to Howard Stern.

Yeah, but helping out Eric and staying for the party, that was the right thing to do.

So thank you.

I'm really glad you went on this trip with me.

You know, you tried to ditch me, like, three or four times.

Yeah, I know.

Hurt my feelings.

I'm sorry.

Can you promise me right now you'll never do it again?

I might do it again.

I know.

You know, I was thinking about my dad.

I mean, my dad's around, you know?

I got to work out my stuff with him.

I just... I can't go there, just get him a nurse, and split.

I mean, who knows, this might be my last chance.

That's nice.

I almost forgot to show you this.

I did get a picture of you and Eddie at the grave.

That's the best photo of me anyone's ever taken.

I look stunning.

You do.

I look like a young Andre the Giant.