01x04 - Fight Club

[bunniefuu]

[muffled] You find something?

Still deciding.

Come on.

You're supposed to be looking up p*rn.

This is my p*rn.

I'm sorry, but the sale ends at midnight.

There, I'm done.

Oh, God.

Hey, don't be mad.

I'm kind of achy. I can't get into it tonight.

Look, I'm not feeling great either, but that didn't affect my game.

How about I take care of you while you watch p*rn?

Honestly, I don't think I'm in the mood anymore.

Think I'm gonna watch some hockey scores.

Do it.

Ovechkin had a hell of a game tonight.

Scored two goals.

Oh, God... he's just so talented for his size.

[panting] Oh, God.

[dull thumping]

Hey, what's wrong?

Unbelievable.

What?

Somebody up there just got on a treadmill.

Yeah, so what?

Who works out in the middle of the night?

You have to go up and tell whoever it is to turn the treadmill off.

They'll probably stop in a little while.

Tell them to stop now.

What if I go upstairs and it's a really hot chick and she's sweaty?

Then bang her into stopping, if you have to.

Go!

[treadmill whirring]

[whirring stops]

Hey. Paul Rosenberg.

Me and my wife and my kid, we live downstairs.

We're your neighbors.

It's late. What do you want?

Well, we're just trying to get some sleep.

And I guess your treadmill is right above our room.

So?

So I was wondering if you could knock it off.

Knock it off?

Yeah, just for tonight.

Yeah, why don't you get out of here, you p*ssy, before I break you in half?

[treadmill whirring, dull thumping]

Nice work.

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

Yeah!

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

[skates scraping]

What happened to your face?

- Is that...

Chicken pox!

I thought you had it as a kid.

Yeah, but apparently you can get it twice.

I've been looking it up on my phone all morning.

How did you get it?

Played a team a couple weeks ago, and the center had pock marks all over his face.

We just thought he was ugly.

Turns out, it's chicken pox.

Anthony has it. Sebalos has it.

It's just passing from player to player like the mumps outbreak in the NHL.

Except shitty players get a shittier illness.

Yeah, you're right. It's chicken pox.

I just told you I looked it up.

Why'd you have to look it up again?

Ugh, just stay away from me.

I don't feel well as it is.

You gave me chicken pox.

I don't see a single pox on you.

That's because they're in a very, very bad place.

All right.

Declan's at my parents'.

They said that he can stay as long as we want.

Great.

Guess it's just me and you for a few days.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

TV.

Sex.

I'm closed for business down there, remember?

Yeah, I just thought that maybe there'd be some way to...

There's not.

Okay. Yeah.

Let's pick a show...

Mm-hmm.

And watch an entire season today.

We can see what's on demand.

Yay.

"Downton Abbey."

"Walking Dead."

"Scandal."

"Sons of Anarchy," that's a good one.

No.

Okay.

"Girls."

Is there nudity in "Girls"?

Oh, yeah.

Bingo. This'll be fun.

[doorbell rings]

Okay, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Yo, Paulie!

What's up, bro?

What's up?

What are you doing here?

My mother said I had to go before I got her and Dad sick.

She's boiling my sheets right now.

So?

So I'm gonna crash here with you guys.

We'll be quarantine buddies.

Excuse me.

Your breath is atrocious. Jesus Christ.

- Who works at work anymore?

OMG.

There is a silver lining here.

I was supposed to go pay Vito today.

But I called him and said I had chicken pox.

Guy's not gonna want to see me for a while.

[chuckles] Seriously, what is this?

"Girls," bro?

You're really gonna watch this sh*t?

If you don't like it, you can go home... to your parents' house.

Hey, I pay rent.

They must be really proud.

They are.

Anyone who thinks "The Sopranos" is an offensive Italian-American stereotype should meet your family.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

[belches]

Dude, you should be at home in bed right now.

[groans]

Oh, Shitski!

Dickie, what are you doing here?

Door wasn't locked.

And I heard about the chicken pox party.

Oh, awesome, "Girls"!

You watch this show?

Yeah.

This is the one where you get to see the fat chick pee.

I can't believe we're missing the game tonight.

Oh, dude, they're gonna get k*lled without us.

Probably not.

We're undefeated when you miss a game.

Bullshit.

No, it's true.

One time, we kept the win streak going by emailing you a fake schedule.

That's not cool at all.

Oh, check it out. She's gonna pee soon.

Hey, after this, we should watch the one where the hot chick gets her ass munched.

Yes, Shitski!

Hey, I'm sorry.

Dude, you have nothing in here.

Oh, bologna, dibs.

Hey, put it back. That's Declan's.

Declan loves bologna.

I mean, look at this.

Feta crumbles, low-fat margarine, low-fat cream cheese.

What am I, at my fat-ass Aunt Sylvia's house?

It's healthier, okay?

Yeah, that's what they want you to think.

Read the labels. It's all chemicals.

Plus, it tastes like ass.

Anthony and Randy: You would know.

You guys are such dickheads.

Peanut butter's not bad.

What is wrong with you?

I'm hungry!

Shitski, drop the puck.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

[all screaming]

What the...

[loud thud and scream]

[scoffs]

♪ ♪

[glass shatters]

Who's paying for that?

Are the ones down there, like, the same as...

'Cause that one's kind of cute.

[retching]

♪ ♪

What is that?

Well, to prevent the scarring, I'm applying calamine lotion.

Got to preserve this beautiful face.

I would give some to you, but it's like the equivalent of scraping flies off dog sh*t.

Hey, I'd like to order four large pies, please.

One meatball, one sausage, one pepperoni...

No, no, it's not a party.

Just a bunch of us have chicken pox and we're all quarantined.

Yeah, I can hold.

Dude, don't order pizza.

I need to eat something bland.

You shouldn't eat anything. You're feverish.

No, my fever broke when I puked, man.

Come on, I'm hungry.

Will you just stop being so freaking selfish and eat pepperoni?

You kidding me? All right.

They won't deliver.

Why the hell not?

They said they can't risk the delivery guy getting chicken pox and bringing it back to the restaurant.

This is bullshit. We don't have Ebola.

Sebalos may have Ebola.

Yo, Paul, this is totally off topic, but why is Karen being so... no offense... bitch-like?

Don't ever call my wife a bitch.

Okay, I said "bitch-like."

Don't ever call her that either.

She's sick.

We're all sick.

Yeah, but for her, it's like she's sick and there's also a home invasion going on.

Because you guys are here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, got it.

Plus, we were up half the night because the guy upstairs decided to hop on the treadmill at 1:00 a.m.

Why didn't you just tell him to stop?

I tried.

You tried? What does that mean?

Nothing, I just... nothing.

[mockingly] Nothing, just nothing.

That doesn't sound like nothing. What happened?

Well, he called me a p*ssy and threatened to break me in half.

All: What?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

I'm on the co-op board, Anthony.

What, I'm supposed to fight him over this?

All: Yes!

That's a perfect reason to punch someone in the face.

Absolutely.

If you saw what you looked like right now, you'd punch yourself in the face.

Hey, babe.

Hey, how you feeling, honey?

Baking soda bath was nice.

Ooh, I could use one of those.

Request denied.

I need you to get them out of here so I can watch TV and rest.

I'll get them to calm down.

You too. You want a massage?

Ugh, no. Hug is nice.

Really is nice.

I hate them so much.

Hey.

Oh, hey, I was just...

Looking through my checkbook, yeah.

Well, you left it out.

I left it out in my house.

Fine.

Well, you have $13,000 in your checking account.

So what?

So what?

I asked you to borrow $600 last week, and what'd you say?

[mockingly] "I would, but I'm tapped out."

Okay, well, maybe I didn't want to lend you the money.

You mean your wife didn't want to lend me the money.

Karen had nothing to do with this.

I'm just not lending you money anymore.

And you can't give me sh*t about it.

I paid for you to get your van fixed.

I paid for you to go to Rock-n-Roll Fantasy Camp.

No, not now.

This still has Karen's bitch-like fingerprints all over it.

I told you not to call her a bitch.

Listen to me, I'm saying... "Bitch-like" counts, Anthony.

[doorbell rings]

Thanks, Karen.

Vito.

So you just happen to have a biohazard outfit.

Yep, during the Ebola outbreak, a guy who owed me 8 grand got quarantined, so I got this suit to collect and to send a message.

Nobody slides.

There's no free lunch.

Now, where's my money?

Uh, hey, real quick.

How much to break his legs?

I like your style.

But if you would've hung on to this cash, it would've happened for free.

Damn it. I didn't think that one through.

Suck a d*ck, Anthony.

Absolutely sucking a d*ck.

Have a nice day.

Ugh, what is this?

That's saliva chicken, bro.

Saliva chicken. That's the real name?

Yeah, and it's good.

I thought you wanted something bland.

Nah, I just didn't want pizza.

[Cell phone chimes]

Hey, I just got a text from Eddie about the game.

We won.

No way!

What?

That's awesome.

Keep the play-off hopes alive now.

Man, now I wish I went to the game.

No, then we would've lost.

Yeah, see, Shitski?

Streak lives on without you.

Up next, "The Bachelorette."

No, not this dumb bitch.

Karen, can you put the Ranger game on, please?

Third period's starting.

It's my show.

Don't you say it. Don't you...

No. No, no, no.

Don't do it.

I choose... Steven.

No!

Why did she choose that douche bag?

Carlos wins triathlons and owns his own business.

She is a dumb bitch.

This makes me sick.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

What?

What?

I think I'm gonna be...

No, no, no, no.

Saliva chicken looks a lot like pizza now, huh, Sebalos?

[clock ticking]

[treadmill whirring, dull thumping]

[whispering] That's just great.

What's going on?

Go deal with that.

Go deal with that.

Okay.

[treadmill whirring]

[whirring stops]

Oh, it's you.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Hi.

Listen, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but the sound from your treadmill is deafening.

We're just trying to go to sleep, and...

What's that?

Leftover Wo Hop.

Wait a minute.

Are you eating while you're walking on the treadmill?

Are you messing with us, dude?

It's the diet, you ignoramus.

I can only eat when I'm on a treadmill.

That's counterproductive. I mean, maybe you'd be better off substituting water for the Wo Hop, and then you wouldn't be so disproportionate.

Disproportionate? Oh, I love you skinny bastards.

I happen to have a slow metabolism.

Come on, man. Everybody says that.

But it's bullshit.

All the research states that obese people have a slightly slower metabolism than regular human beings.

Who are you, Jillian Michaels?

What? No, no, I hate her.

Me too. She's a bitch, and you remind me of her.

Except for your zit-marked face.

This is chicken pox.

I've had that already, so it's not gonna stop me from kicking your ass.

We're neighbors, man.

Come on, we should have some common courtesy, you know?

Help each other out, have a good relationship.

Oh, I think it'd be good to punch you in your chicken pox face.

It doesn't have to be like this.

Well, it's gonna be like this till you get out of my face.

Okay.

Can you at least tell me how long you're gonna be on the treadmill for?

It's gonna be a while.

I got a Sarah Lee pie for dessert.

[treadmill whirring, dull thumping]

Jesus Christ, how fat is this guy?

I can hear him abusing that poor, innocent treadmill two floors away.

He's disrespecting you, your wife, and your home.

You know, he's right, Paul.

You got to deal with this assh*le.

Guy deserves a smack, man. What's the problem?

Look, truth is, I've never been in a fight in my life.

What?

Like, never?

No.

Not even high school?

We went to high school together.

When did I ever get in a fight?

Um, junior high.

Grade school.

Never happened. No fights, ever.

That's unacceptable, dude.

And kind of weird.

What do you know about fights?

I'm Chinese, brought up in Queens.

My whole life is a fight.

Seriously, man, every man needs to learn how to defend himself.

Yeah, how do we know you have our back on the ice if sh*t goes down?

Yo, Paulie, can we just throw that couch out?

It smells like saliva chicken.

You know what? This is not half bad.

I think it just needed a minute on the counter to congeal.

Yo, that was mine. I was saving that.

Oh, God. Your spit's in my mouth.

Now I'm gonna get chicken pox.

You don't have chicken pox?

No.

Then what are you doing here?

I don't know. I didn't want to miss anything.

Wow.

That's terrifying, bro.

It's not about him.

It's about Rosenberg.

Look, we're gonna teach you how to fight right now, okay?

This might be a bad idea, guys.

You know what's a bad idea?

You being called a p*ssy your whole life, so...

All right, all right. Okay.

Paul, I'm trained in the martial arts.

I can teach you some stuff that's very simple.

Something so easy, even a chick could do it, okay?

Feet shoulder-width apart, rock back...

[yelling]

Jesus!

Chill!

Dude, did you just have a seizure?

No, that's all about distracting from my secret w*apon.

All: Whoa!

Relax!

What are you doing, bro?

Jesus!

This is awesome, by the way.

It's cool, right? Yeah.

You push the button down, and then it just... then it goes like that.

Wow, that's interesting.

Yeah, keep it. I got tons of them.

Look, we don't need a lethal w*apon here, though, okay?

What we need is something easy.

I'm gonna show you the "What up, Bro?"

The "What up, Bro?"

You've definitely never got into a fight if you've never seen this.

All right. Watch me.

Let's go.

Okay. Walk up.

What up, bro?

How you doing? Bam!

Whoa!

Is what happens! On the floor!

Remember when I did that at the parking lot at Tuesday's?

Knocked out Dom Benaquista 'cause he was talking to my girl.

Gave that big guido a concussion.

[laughter]

What's funny?

Uh, you calling someone else a big guido.

That story's complete bullshit. I was there.

You threw the headbutt but missed.

He tried to knee you in the head.

He also missed, then slipped and gave himself a concussion.

Okay, that's not what happened.

Yeah, it was.

There were hundreds of people there who witnessed him slip.

And then they put you in the back of the cop car for a minute and you started crying.

No.

Should I just put a post up on Facebook and see what everybody else remembers?

No.

Okay.

Well, dude, at least I'm not a p*ssy that can't fight, like you.

You know what? I've had about enough.

Especially from you, Anthony.

You want to be pissed off at somebody?

Go upstairs and be pissed off at that guy.

[treadmill whirring]

Did that prick just turn it up a notch?

All: Yep.

[breathing heavily]

My God, he is gonna get demolished.

[pounding]

[Western stand-off music]

Shuffle back. Shuffle back. Shuffle back.

Shuffle back. Shuffle back.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go!

Back, back, back, back...

What's going on?

What?

Where's Paul?

Paul. Uh... oh, sh*t, Paul.

Look, I'm sure he's fine.

Let's figure this out, guys.

Let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Whoo!

What are you doing?

[retching]

I don't feel very well at all.

[thudding and grunting]

[cell phone ringing]

Didn't you say you had to be home, like, 45 minutes ago?

Yeah, but it is so peaceful up here.

What do you do for shoulders?

I got a kettlebell.

Yeah?

You ever do the kettlebell?

Never done a kettlebell.

I do it tabata.

You, like, work out for 30 seconds, then you chill out for 10 seconds...

Really?

Then you work out for 30 seconds.

Oh, that's good.

You do that for, like, eight exercises.

Yeah?

Do it three, four times.

Hmm.

Just kicks your ass.

I got to switch it up.

Oh, you totally got to switch it up.

I was swimming for a while.

Swimming?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's good, but...

I just apologize to my wife.

That's how you work out?

Yeah, it's just like...

Even when I had chicken pox, Karen was still checking me out.

No, she w...

You're full of sh*t.

Bro, did I ever tell you about high school?

Paul had just... just started dating Karen.

They were dating for, like, maybe a year and a half, two years.

And sh... Karen, you know, we're seniors... we're seniors in high school.

And, you know, I was the only one driving at the time.

It was raining.

Paul was out sick with his alopecia bullshit.

And Karen asked me for a ride home.

So, you know, I gave her a ride home.

Uh, one of... you know, a song came on, song that we liked, "(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You," 'NSYNC, a song we both liked.

I started humming it to her.

You know, she went in to say good-bye, and I kissed her on the lips.

And, you know, I think that she maybe felt bad about it.

I didn't, you know, because, I mean... [bleep], what do you... you know?

I was like, "Karen, babe, like, I have all... I'll always have all my hair. None of this hair will ever fall out. And I'm the guy for you." But, you know, she felt bad.

And then next... and then... and then... you know, whatever. Couple years later, she's pregnant with freaking Declan.

And then, you know...

What a name, right?

But nobody ever has to know about that.

You two, I swear to God, if you ever tell Paul that...

If you ever tell Paul that...

Don't, all right?

Tell him what?

Okay.

Exactly, tell him what?

What?