[ EXT. Forrest - Night ]
( Horse rears and whinnies )
Coachman: Whoa!
Highwayman: Stand and deliver!
Coachman: Do as he says. I've heard of this brigand. He's known as the Knightmare! Faster than Sam Swift the Quick, deadlier than Deadly Dupont.
Highwayman: Dabbling lowpads the pair of 'em, with terrible pseudonyms to boot. Cash bags, jewels, the lot.
Mr Fanshawe: I will not be robbed by some lone, ranting cavalier!
Highwayman: Who says I am alone?
Lucy Fanshawe: ( gasps )
( Growling )
Lucy Fanshawe: ( screams )
The Doctor: Right.
( Beeping )
The Doctor: Warm.
( Beeping intensifies )
The Doctor: Warmer.
Coachman: We are cursed. The Knightmare is in league with the devil.
Highwayman: Aye, Satan's sidekick, me. Where's the rest?
Lucy Fanshawe: What else would you take from me, sir?
Highwayman: You know what I want. Hand over the amulet.
The Doctor: Hello.
Mr Fanshawe: Wah!
The Doctor: Oh, don't mind me, don't mind me. I'm only going to be a minute. Don't worry. Oh, very warm.
Highwayman: What are you doing?
The Doctor: Oh, just ignore me, I'm just passing through, like fish in the night.
Highwayman: This is a robbery!
The Doctor: It's not fish in the night, it's something else.
Highwayman: This is my robbery.
The Doctor: No, ships in the night. Yeah, something like that.
Highwayman: Step aside or I shall blow your brains out.
The Doctor: Sorry, were you talking to me there? Try again, I promise I'll listen this time.
Highwayman: You have interrupted my robbery, sir, and you will step away, if you wish to take another breath.
Coachman: You're going to get us all k*lled, if you don't shut your mouth.
The Doctor: Sorry. Sorry, I really was planning to listen that time but, basically, I didn't. Usually, someone hits me at this point, but she's taking the Year 7s for taekwondo. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
( Beeping intensifies )
The Doctor: Yes! Got you! ( The Doctor laughs ) Oh, hang on. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a robbery.
Highwayman: I am robbing these people, you are getting out of my way.
The Doctor: I just need one tiny little thing from this box.
Highwayman: This is my robbery!
The Doctor: Well, can't we share it? Isn't that what robbery's all about?
Coachman: Yargh!
The Doctor: Oh, no! No, no, no!
Highwayman: You bungled my heist.
The Doctor: No, you bungled mine, Zorro!
Highwayman: Whey-faced fool!
The Doctor: Yeah, well, why don't you show your face? At least I show my face, what's wrong with yours?
Highwayman / Ashildr: Nothing, Doctor.
The Doctor: You?!
Ashildr: Yes, it is me. What took you so long, old man?
Doctor Who
Season 9 Episode 6
The Woman Who Lived
Original air date: October 23, 2015
The Doctor: "Old man?"
Ashildr: It seemed apt. Life expectancy is 35 these days. Well, for everyone else.
The Doctor: But didn't you know it was me?
Ashildr: Of course, you don't forget the man who saved your life. It's good to see you.
The Doctor: Yes, I didn't get that impression when you were threatening to k*ll me.
Ashildr (male voice): The Knightmare has a reputation to maintain.
The Doctor: It's a very good voice. How do you do that?
Ashildr: Practice.
The Doctor: Last time I saw you, you were founding a leper colony. I was so proud of you.
Ashildr: Proud of me? You weren't even there.
The Doctor: Yes, I was. You didn't see me, but I saw you.
Ashildr: And you just left me there?
The Doctor: Well, you seemed... fine.
Ashildr: In a leper colony? No matter... you're here now. We should celebrate.
The Doctor: Oh, no, this isn't a visit, I've got a job to do. I'm here looking for an alien object which has no business being here on Earth in 1651. It was just... It just so happened, you know, that my tracking device, it led me to the carriage that you were, you know, robbing. There wasn't... I didn't... It was...
Ashildr: You mean, you haven't come for me?
The Doctor: No. It was just a coincidence.
( Church bell chimes )
The Doctor: Oh, Ashildr, I'm sorry.
Ashildr: Who's Ashildr?
The Doctor: You are, that's your name. Ashildr, daughter of Einarr. Chuckles. I used to call him Chuckles. Do you remember?
Ashildr: Yes. I think I remember the village.
The Doctor: You loved that village.
Ashildr: If you say so.
The Doctor: Anyone in that village would have d*ed for you.
Ashildr: Well, they're all dead now, and here I am. So, I guess it all worked out.
The Doctor: Ashildr...
Ashildr: That's not my name. I don't even remember that name.
The Doctor: Well, what... what do you call yourself?
Ashildr: Me.
The Doctor: Yes, you, there's nobody else here.
Ashildr: No... I call myself Me. All the other names I chose d*ed with whoever knew me. Me is who I am now. No-one's mother, daughter, wife. My own companion. Singular. Unattached. Alone. Anyway, I should get started. Jump on, I'll give you a ride. You can help me.
The Doctor: With what?
Ashildr: Packing.
( Horse whinnies )
Ashildr: Come on.
[ EXT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ]
The Doctor: It's a big place for someone who lives on their own.
Ashildr: I have a servant. And all manner of visitors drop in.
( Growling )
( Growling )
[ INT. Ashildr's mansion ]
Ashildr: Your device... what is it?
The Doctor: My curioscanner? Oh, it, er, it sort of scans for... It scans for curios. I've just realising how it got its name. It's been tracking exoplanetary energy for the last couple of weeks. I've been following it across the galaxy.
Ashildr: And do you know what you're looking for?
The Doctor: I've got a pretty good idea, yes. Why?
Ashildr: I wasn't just robbing Lucie Fanshawe for her loot. She's bragged about having the rarest gem in the land, an ancient amulet from foreign parts. Could it be we are looking for the same prize?
The Doctor: Clearly, you don't need money. So why do you rob?
Ashildr: For the adventure, Doctor. Isn't that what life's all about? I've had 800 years of adventure, enough to fill a library if you write it down.
The Doctor: A medieval queen? How exciting.
Ashildr: You'd think. It was paperwork and backgammon mainly, as I recall. Ended up faking my own death. Did a bunk before the evisceration. Now this... was much more my thing. The Battle of Agincourt. My first stint as a man. No-one will ever know that a mere woman helped end the Hundred Years' w*r.
The Doctor: You're immortal, not indestructible. You can be hurt, k*lled even.
Ashildr: 10,000 hours is all it takes to master any skill. Over 100,000 hours and you're the best there's ever been. I don't need to be indestructible, I'm superb. You should have seen me. I could sh**t six arrows a minute. I got so close to the enemy, I penetrated armour.
The Doctor: How many people have you k*lled?
Ashildr: You'll have to check my diaries.
The Doctor: You can't remember?
Ashildr: For what it's worth, I've saved many lives too.
[ Flashback: Village ]
( Crowd chant )
Ashildr: I cured an entire village of scarlet fever once, almost got drowned as a witch for my troubles Fortunately, I'm really good at holding my breath. Ungrateful peasants.
[ End Flashback ]
The Doctor: The Black Death, 1348. I meant to warn you.
Ashildr: I got sick but I got better.
The Doctor: Of course, your immune system is learning too. There's another bout coming. And a big fire that tears through London.
Ashildr: Excellent. Maybe I start it.
The Doctor: No, that was the Terileptils. Surgeon, scientist, inventor, composer, it's a fantastic CV.
Ashildr: You should try my journals. I read them myself now and then. Drink pomace wine, have a little "me" time.
The Doctor: You don't seem the nostalgic type.
Ashildr: It's not nostalgia, it's curiosity. I can't remember most of it. That's the trouble with an infinite life and a normal sized memory.
The Doctor: It can't have been easy, outliving the people you love.
Ashildr: According to my journals... hell.
The Doctor: Sorry.
Ashildr: You'll have to remind me, what's sorrow like? It all just runs out, Doctor. I'm just what's left. In fact, I've done all I can here. I look up to the sky and wonder what it's like out there. Please, take me with you. All these people here, they're like smoke, they blow away in a moment. You don't know what it's like.
The Doctor: I do know what it's like.
Ashildr: Then, however you fly, whatever ship you sail in, take me with you.
The Doctor: How do you know I had a ship?
Ashildr: Because I'm incredibly clever. It doesn't matter... take me with you.
The Doctor: We'll talk about it.
Ashildr: This thing you're looking for, I'll help you find it. It'll be quicker.
The Doctor: I don't need your help.
Ashildr: Yes, you do. I know where Lucie Fanshawe lives, and I'm an excellent house-breaker. We'll leave in an hour.
[ INT. Ashildr's mansion library - Night ]
Ashildr (O.C.): "Today is the day I should have d*ed. Instead, I was re-born, by my hero, a man called The Doctor. My love is dying. It broke my heart when the questions started and I knew I had to leave him. I returned to find an old man who smiles and thinks I am a dream. I am flesh and blood, my love, but all you see is a ghost."
The Doctor: "Tears."
[ Flashback: Village - Daytime ]
Ashildr (O.C.): "The Plague. Mass graves."
( Woman sobs )
[ End Flashback ]
The Doctor (reads): "Sightless children... clutching toys as they sleep, never to wake up. My children. My screams. I could not save you... little ones. Such pain. And yet, still... still I am not brave enough to die, to let go of this... wretched life. I will endure... but no more babies."
( She sobs )
The Doctor (reads): "I cannot... will not suffer such heartbreak again."
The Doctor (O.C.): "From now on, it's me against the world."
[ EXT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ]
( Growling )
Ashildr: Quiet, my friend. We have a visitor. I didn't get it, but I will. If your promise stands, I'll have it by dawn My visitor can help me. Don't worry, he doesn't know about you, only about the artefact. He has no idea what we intend to do with it.
( Growling )
[ INT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ]
The Doctor: I read your journals. Why are there pages missing?
Ashildr: When things get really bad, I tear the memories out.
The Doctor: What could be worse than losing your children?
Ashildr: I keep that entry to remind me not to have any more.
The Doctor: I've left you alone too long. I had no idea how much you'd suffered, but I remember the person you used to be. She's still in there. I can help you find her.
Ashildr: Spare me your pity, I'm fine.
The Doctor: I think this is just another mask that you wear to protect you from the pain.
Ashildr: I think the alternative frightens you, that this is who I've become.
The Doctor: This is no way to live your life, de-sensitised to the world.
Ashildr: So you intend to fix me? Make me feel again, then run away? I don't need your help, Doctor, you need mine. Just this once, you can't run off like you usually do.
The Doctor: How do you know? How do you know what I usually do? We've met once in a Viking village, I didn't give you my life story.
Ashildr: It's true though, isn't it? You're the man who runs away.
The Doctor: Oh, who told you that?
Ashildr: Maybe I just worked it out. Come on.
[ EXT. Ashildr's mansion - Night ]
( Growling )
( Growling )
[ EXT. Fanshawe residence - Night ]
Ashildr: Housebreaks can be tricky.
The Doctor: Not for me. Sonic technology. It should be able to deactivate any alarms.
Ashildr: What's an alarm? The most wanted in the land.
The Doctor: Now is not the time to be showing off.
Ashildr: Now seems like a very good time to me. You'll need a mask, sidekick. Watch and learn.
The Doctor: Brought my own, thanks.
[ INT. Fanshawe residence - Night ]
Ashildr: 'Tis black as night. I have a tinderbox somewhere.
( The Doctor lights a candle with his sonic )
Ashildr: Show off. Know where you're going, do you? The servant's stairs. Follow me.
The Doctor: Why are you still alone? What happened to the second immortality charge I gave you?
Ashildr: Shh! No-one's good enough.
The Doctor: Humans need...
Ashildr: Hush!
The Doctor: Humans need shared experiences.
Ashildr: I'm regretting sharing this one.
The Doctor: It isn't right for you to be on your own!
Servant: Goodnight, Ma'am.
Ashildr: I'll wager there's a dressing room. Come on!
[ INT. Lucie Fanshawe's dressing room - Night ]
( Ashildr opens a cabinet and the door creaks )
( Whirring )
Ashildr: Doctor! Doctor, turn that thing off.
( Whirring )
( Whirring intensifies )
( Beeping )
The Doctor: The Eyes of Hades!
( She gasps )
( He gasps )
( She pants )
( The Doctor sighs )
[ INT. Fanshawe living room - Night ]
( Man snores )
The Doctor (whispers): Let's just go round and see if we can't get out the back.
Ashildr (whispers): OK.
( Man snores softly )
( Floorboard creaks )
Mr Fanshawe: Lucie? Lucie? Lucie?
( Fanshawe exits the room, door opens and closes )
( Metal clatters )
Mr Fanshawe (O.C.): There is an intruder on the premises! Bring me my blunderbuss!
The Doctor: What are you doing?!
Ashildr: It's k*ll or be k*lled.
The Doctor: No, we can't. We should hide!
Mr Fanshawe: Guard the doors! Alert the militia!
Ashildr: Your feet, you oaf! Oh, I said you'd be a liability. Just let me sh**t them and be done with it!
The Doctor: You're the liability. I never have this trouble with Clara.
Ashildr: Oh, is she still with you, is she?
The Doctor: ( grunts ) Oh, you remember Clara, do you?
Ashildr: Of course. I take particular note of anyone's weaknesses.
Mr Fanshawe (O.C.): Search every nook and cranny! I warrant they will hang for this!
Ashildr: So what's wrong with Clara, then?
The Doctor: There's nothing wrong with her.
Ashildr: Why haven't you made her immortal?
The Doctor: Well, look how you turned out.
Ashildr: She'll die on you, you know. She'll blow away like smoke.
The Doctor: Save your breath.
Ashildr: How old are you, Doctor?
The Doctor: Older than you.
Ashildr: And how many have you lost? How many Claras?
[ EXT. Forrest - Daytime ]
The Doctor: Robbery, burglary, that's capital. Meat and drink to the hangman, Ashildr.
Ashildr: I'm not Ashildr, I'm Me. And I fear no hangman in Christendom!
( Crow caws )
Sam Swift: Ah-ha!
Ashildr: Sam Swift the Quick! I wouldn't be so bold if I were you. Don't you know who I am?
Sam Swift: The Knightmare, which is why I'm not alone.
Ashildr: 'Tis hardly a fair fight.
Sam Swift: And it was fair when you stole my patch?
Ashildr: Is that a fake nose, Sam? They should call you Sam Sniffed!
Sam Swift: What's wrong with it? It's perfectly normal, isn't it?
Ashildr: For an anteater maybe.
Sam Swift: Ooh! Well, never knew you were so puny, Knightmare. Or should I say, Slightmare.
( Laughter )
The Doctor: No, not the puns. Line in the sand, no puns.
Ashildr: It's what's in my brain that counts, Bingo Boy.
Sam Swift: Well, no brain outwits a b*llet, Dandyprat.
The Doctor: This is banter. I'm against banter. I'm on record on the subject of banter.
Sam Swift: Lay down your arms, hand over the loot, or I'll sh**t.
Ashildr: ( sighs ) We better had. He'll probably aim to miss and hit one of us.
The Doctor: We could give you cash instead.
Sam Swift: Who's this? Your sidekick? You've got your dad as a sidekick?
The Doctor: I'm not his dad, I'm the Doctor.
Sam Swift: Is that the best name you could come up with?
The Doctor: What, says Sam Swift the Quick? That's trying a bit too hard, isn't it? Or are you a little bit slow?
Sam Swift: You what? Oi!
The Doctor: I rest my case. No-one outwits the Knightmare.
Sam Swift: If you value the life of your sidekick, back off! Put the w*apon down! Who's slow now, Doctor?
The Doctor: Good question.
Sam Swift: Please, Knightmare, I don't want to die. Let's have honour amongst us!
The Doctor: Also can you confirm that I'm not your dad?
Ashildr: What do you say, Dad? I should k*ll him? He'll be dead in a minute, what difference does it make?
The Doctor: k*ll him and you make an enemy of me.
Ashildr: Run.
The Doctor: I know their lives are short, I understand, but those lives do matter.
Ashildr: Shut up. You're not my dad.
[ INT. Ashildr's Mansion - Daytime ]
The Doctor: I have a theory about the amulet.
( Man coughs )
Clayton: Morning, sir. Forgive me, but might I enquire into who you are?
The Doctor: The Doctor.
Clayton: Clayton, sir. Would you care for a cocktail, milady?
Ashildr: Oh, yes, please.
( Clayton coughs )
Ashildr: Half blind and deaf as a post. He's no use any more really, but...
The Doctor: You keep him on. See, you do have a heart. You don't fool me.
Ashildr: How do I look?
The Doctor: Pink. Are you coming down with something? Look, why would an alien artefact resemble the Eyes of Hades, King of the Underworld? An ancient Greek talisman which wards off evil and protects those in death on their journey to an afterlife?
Ashildr: You tell me.
The Doctor: Could it be that the mythology originated on another planet?
Ashildr: You can't wait to get going and find out, I'll wager.
The Doctor: No. I think I want to stick around and keep an eye on you for a while.
Ashildr: Get me back on track?
The Doctor: Well, why not? Hey, we're a good team.
Ashildr: Then take me with you.
The Doctor: You don't want to get stuck with an old fool like me. You have this whole wonderful planet to play on.
Ashildr: It takes a day to get to Kent.
The Doctor: In the future, you'll fly.
Ashildr: I want to fly right now. I have waited... longer than I should ever have lived. I have lost more than I can even remember. Please, Doctor... just get me out of this. I want more than this. I deserve more than this! Why not? Why not?!
The Doctor: Because it wouldn't be good. Ashildr, please. Ashildr.
Ashildr: I am not Ashildr any more.
( Loud snarling )
The Doctor: Do you have a cat? It sounds like a very big cat. Hence the very big cat flap.
Ashildr: Leandro, meet the Doctor. You thought I was helping you. In fact, it was the other way round. Leandro, we have it. My friend here was as useful as I'd hoped.
The Doctor: If somebody needed my help, why did nobody just ask? I am forced to assume you have plans and I wouldn't approve. Oh, Ashildr...
Ashildr: Stop calling me that.
The Doctor: k*ll me!
Leandro: Why?
The Doctor: If you intend any harm to this planet, or its people, then k*lling me is by far your best move.
Leandro: You invite your own death?
The Doctor: No. I just want you to att*ck first. Then my conscience is clear.
Leandro: Of what?
The Doctor: You.
Leandro: ( laughs ) You are not of this world, or part of my plans. I have no quarrel with you.
The Doctor: Then tell me why you are here and what you intend to do. Otherwise, get on with trying to k*ll me. But I advise you -- be very quick and very sure.
Leandro: I am from Delta Leonis. My tribe was overthrown, my world destroyed, my wife k*lled as we escaped.
The Doctor: Using the amulet? That's your means of travel?
Leandro: I lost it when I crashed to Earth.
Ashildr: I found him in my grounds. He's been sleeping there while I searched for it.
The Doctor: The Underworld, gateway to an afterlife. Another reality...
Ashildr: We need it to open a portal, travel the galaxy.
The Doctor: Oh! Oh, so what's the plan, Ashildr? Fancy yourself as his new Queen? Hunting, running errands while he sleeps.
Ashildr: Oh, dear God... You're just like every other man. I'm not looking for a husband, you oaf. I'm looking for a horse to get me out of town. You said no.
The Doctor: Oh, what? And you think you can trust him?
Ashildr: He knows what it is to be alone.
The Doctor: So do I!
Ashildr: Then how could you do what you did?
The Doctor: I'm looking for the headline here.
Ashildr: The what?
The Doctor: Well, you know, you want to escape? Well, go on. Escape as much as you like! Why would I not approve?
Ashildr: The amulet...
The Doctor: What about it?
Leandro: A death is required. It is only way the amulet works.
The Doctor: Of course. Every single death is a tiny fracture in reality. Now the amulet can lever the fracture open. Primitive, but effective.
Ashildr: It's just exploiting an abundant resource. There's so much dying here.
The Doctor: Who dies so you can run away?
Ashildr: Clayton?
Clayton: Coming, my lady.
The Doctor: No, you can't. He loves you.
Ashildr: To the end, it would seem.
Leandro: Would you rather take his place?
( Roaring )
Ashildr: Not the Doctor, we agreed!
The Doctor: Oh, Ashildr, daughter of Einarr... what happened to you?
Ashildr: You did, Doctor. You happened.
The Doctor: I know you've suffered. Your children dying...
Ashildr: They would have d*ed anyway. Human life is fleeting. People are mayflies, breeding and dying, repeating the same mistakes. It's boring. And I'm stuck here. Abandoned by the one man who should know what eternity feels like. Who should understand.
The Doctor: I do, now, but...
Ashildr: You still won't take me with you. You gad about while I trudge through the centuries, day by day, hour by hour. Do you ever think or care what happens after you've flown away? I live in the world you leave behind. Because you abandoned me to it.
The Doctor: Why should I be responsible for you?
Ashildr: You made me immortal!
The Doctor: I saved your life. I didn't know that your heart would rust because I kept it b*ating. I didn't think your conscience would need renewing, that the well of human kindness would run dry. I just wanted to save a terrified young woman's life.
Ashildr: You didn't save my life, Doctor. You trapped me inside it. And now I've found someone who can set me free. Someone who understands.
The Doctor: Look, I don't know what Lenny the Lion is up to, but I know his type. Very first argument, guaranteed he'll bite your head off.
Ashildr: Or I'll bite his off. Perhaps I'll enjoy that.
The Doctor: You're playing with fire. Open that portal and you have no idea what horrors might come through.
Ashildr: That's as good a reason as any to do it.
The Doctor: You're not like this. I know you're not.
Ashildr: This is exactly what I'm like. This is what you made of me!
The Doctor: He'll k*ll you.
Ashildr: He'll have to be fast. And if he does... perhaps it's about time.
( Banging on door )
Pikeman (O.C.): Lady Me?
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Oh, Lady Me, thank goodness you are safe. Sam Swift has been captured and he swore the Knightmare was heading in this direction.
Ashildr: I've not seen him.
Pikeman William Stout: Sam Swift will hang in Tyburn at noon.
Ashildr: In half an hour? A guilty man destined to die? No harm in that. I have not seen the Knightmare. But this is his sidekick, the Doctor. He was robbing me. I only just managed to overpower him.
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: You will hang for this!
The Doctor: No, listen, I was trying to help her, she tied...
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Silence or... we'll sh**t.
Ashildr: He needn't hang. But keep him under lock and key, for all our sakes.
Clayton: Was that the door? Oh, dear. Always the quiet ones.
Ashildr: Goodbye, Clayton. You see? I do have a heart.
The Doctor: In which case, don't do it.
The Doctor: Do I look like some feckless thief? I'm on your side. I'm an undercover constable from Scotland Yard. Do you have Scotland Yard yet?
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Been on the cider, have we?
The Doctor: The Dunbar Victory medal. I was decorated for valour in battle.
Pikeman William Stout: Tell it to the Newgate gaoler.
The Doctor: All I want is to bring the Knightmare to justice.
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: But you were robbing Lady Me.
The Doctor: I came to warn her. I fear her life is in danger. Look! It's the Knightmare, cloaked and in disguise, bound for Tyburn. You have to let me go or take me there.
Pikeman William Stout: You wish to hang too?
The Doctor: Well... Will you take me there if I say yes?
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Indeed! There's a bounty on your head for 20 pounds.
The Doctor: 20 pounds? Is that all?
Pikeman William Stout: 'Tis a small fortune to us.
The Doctor: Well, in that case, I know where Lady Me keeps all of her money. Almost 30 pounds.
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn: Now why didn't you say that in the first place?
The Doctor: Hyah!
[ EXT. Village - Daytime ]
Crowd: ( jeering ) Hang him! Hang him!
Sam Swift: All right, calm down! Steady on! Such a good turn out. I'm honoured. Yeah... I, er... Hey, he's new at this. Someone will have to show him the ropes! ( Laughter ) Don't worry mate, you'll get the hang of it.
Sam Swift: When I'm gone, they'll all say "That Sam Swift, he was well hung!" ( Laughter and cheering ) Well, I think a few of you know that already. Oh, yeah, I'm sure I recognise a few of you lovely ladies. You... and you... I mean I'd introduce you all, but I can't remember your names.
Crowd: Boo!
Sam Swift: It's a good job you're here, or they'd k*ll me.
( Bell tolls )
Crowd: Hats off, hats off...
Man: Stretch his neck!
Sam Swift: Mary? Meg? Help me out here, miss.
Man: That's Mrs Baxter to you!
Sam Swift: That's a funny name for a fella!
Leandro: It's time.
Sam Swift: I've got plenty more. Jokes, that is, as well as women.
Leandro: Hang him now!
Crowd: Hang him! Hang him!
Man: Make us laugh, Sam!
Sam Swift: Aye... For while you laugh, I live. It was raining on the way over here. But the hangman says to me, "It's all right for you, I've got to walk back through this." What are you paying for, my beauty?
Ashildr: To make it quick. A fitting end for you, Sam Swift.
Sam Swift: Who should be the last to kiss these lips?
Women: Me! Me! Me!
Sam Swift: They must mean you, Lady Me! ( she kisses him on the lips ) You remind me of someone. And now I want to live more than ever.
The Doctor: Sorry, yes. Sorry about the horse! Excuse me! Sorry, excuse me. Excuse me! Sorry!
Leandro: Time to hang.
Crowd: Hang him! Hang him!
Sam Swift: All right, all right, as God is my Highwayman. He steals the most precious gift of all. Life! Magical, filled with adventures! And at least I can say I lived mine to the full.
Woman: I love you, Sam Swift!
Sam Swift: Is that the Doctor? Doctor, Doctor! I'm a robber.
( Confused murmuring )
The Doctor: Have you taken anything for it?
( Laughter )
Sam Swift: Doctor, doctor...
The Doctor: Quick man, I'm running out of patients!
Sam Swift: Have you ever seen such a sidekick so old?
The Doctor: I'm no-one's sidekick.
Sam Swift: He's so old, he farts dust!
The Doctor: And his nose is so big that...
Sam Swift: They'll have to widen the noose!
The Doctor: Or, or bury him in a pyramid.
Sam Swift: You know what they say, big nose...
Crowd: Oooooh!
The Doctor: Big handkerchief?
( Laughter )
Sam Swift: No! Doctor, don't leave me hanging.
The Doctor: Wait! I have a pardon here for Sam Swift from Cromwell himself.
Hangman: Sam Swift is pardoned!
( Shouts and jeering )
Man: We didn't come all this way not to see someone hang.
Man: What about the Doctor?
Crowd: Hang the Doctor. Hang the Doctor! Hang the Doctor. Hang the Doctor!
Ashildr: Ssh... You want to see someone die? How's this?
The Doctor: No! Ashildr, no!
( Pulsing and whirring )
The Doctor: Purple -- colour of death. His life force is opening a portal.
Ashildr: To my new life.
The Doctor: Or to Hell.
Leandro: ( Roaring )
Man: A lion man!
Man: Look!
Ashildr: Goodbye, Doctor.
Leandro: You are going nowhere.
The Doctor: Doors work both ways. They let people out and they let the enemy in.
Ashildr: What's that? What's happening? What are those things?
The Doctor: Space ships, or they will be. They're coming through the rift, actualising in this plane of reality.
Ashildr: You said you were the last of the Leonians. We were meant to escape.
Leandro: You shall. In death.
( Screaming )
Ashildr: No! Doctor, what have I done? What have I done to these people? Stop this! They are defenceless.
Leandro: ( Roaring )
The Doctor: Ashildr! He doesn't care.
Ashildr: But I do. Oh, God, I do. I actually do, I... I care.
The Doctor: It's awful, isn't it? It's infuriating. You think you don't care and then you fall off the wagon.
Ashildr: Never mind about me. What are we going to do about them? We have to help them. They need you. They need us.
The Doctor: Welcome back!
Ashildr: Well? Do something then!
The Doctor: OK! OK... Erm... Eyes of Hades, Afterlife, death opens up a gateway... We need to close it.
Ashildr: Yeah, I know, but how?
The Doctor: Sam Swift, he's the conduit. The amulet, it's still in him. It's his death that's opening the rift. So what do we do?
Ashildr: Reverse it.
Leandro: You cannot reverse death.
Ashildr: Oh, yes, we can!
The Doctor: Run!
Leandro: No, my lady. They will destroy me for this. The light of immortality. ( snarls ) Spare me, my brothers! ( screams )
Sam Swift: I'm alive. I'm alive! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
( Cheering )
[ INT. Ye Swan (with two necks) Inn ]
Sam Swift: Last thing I remember is you turning up, Doctor. Good thing too. Between you and me, I was running out of material.
The Doctor: Yeah, I could tell. Gave a whole new meaning to dying on stage.
Sam Swift: Gallows humour can be tricky. But at least there's never a second house. We've nearly finished these. I'll get some more in. Er, by the way... I've not forgotten that kiss.
Ashildr: Is he immortal now?
The Doctor: Do you want him to be?
Ashildr: I don't think I want anyone to be.
The Doctor: Well, probably not. Probably the power would have been drained by the whole opening and reversing the portal thingy. There'll be enough power to bring him... back, but not enough power to keep him here. Probably.
Ashildr: Did you just make all of that up?
The Doctor: Yeah... But it's hard to keep track of all this... stuff. Keep an eye on him though. He might be around for a while. Or not. Who can say?
Ashildr: You're still not going to take me with you, are you?
The Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other. We need the mayflies. See, the mayflies, they know more than we do. They know how beautiful and precious life is because it's fleeting. Look how Sam Swift made every last moment count, right to the gallows. Look how glad he is to be alive. I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.
Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.
The Doctor: You're not the first, you know. I did travel with another immortal once. Captain Jack Harkness.
Ashildr: Who?
The Doctor: He'll get round to you eventually. Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.
Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.
The Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.
Ashildr: I'm flattered.
The Doctor: Well, you should be. You're an extraordinary woman, Ashildr. But... I think I'm going to have to keep an eye on you.
Ashildr: No.
The Doctor: No?
Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of the Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.
The Doctor: So are we enemies now?
Ashildr: Of course not. Enemies are never a problem. It's your friends you have to watch out for. And, my friend... I'll be watching out for you.
The Doctor: Ashildr... I think I'm very glad I saved you.
Ashildr: Oh, I think everyone will be.
[ INT. TARDIS ]
( Guitar playing )
Clara: Hey! Hello?
The Doctor: Oh, hello! Hi!
Clara: Did you miss me?
The Doctor: Be more specific. Who are you?
Clara: Ha-ha! I've got a present for you.
The Doctor: Why? Am I ill?
Clara: No.
The Doctor: Are you ill?
Clara: No.
The Doctor: Are you never going to travel with me again, because I said a thing?
Clara: It's not a good present.
The Doctor: Oh, well that's a relief.
Clara: OK, Evie Hubbard? Year Seven, you helped her out with her homework? Imaginary interview with Winston Churchill. You basically cheated.
The Doctor: That was her fault because she should have stressed "imaginary."
Clara: Anyway, she got an A and so... she has sent you a selfie.
The Doctor: Yes, you're right. That is not a good present.
Clara: Come on...
The Doctor: Do they make sherbet lemons any more? And I'd like a Ferrari. What about a Ferrari?
Clara: I knew you'd be thrilled.
The Doctor: OK, come on, let me see. Let me see, let me see, let me see. Ha...
Clara: What's wrong?
The Doctor: Nothing. Nothing at all!
Clara: Doctor?
The Doctor: Tell her next time, I'll take cash.
Clara: So... Where are you going to take me?
The Doctor: Wherever you want.
Clara: Hmm... Somewhere... Somewhere magical. Somewhere new!
The Doctor: Ah, there is nowhere new under the sun! Above it, on the other hand... I've missed you, Clara Oswald.
Clara: Well, don't worry, daft old man. I'm not going anywhere.
( Metallic thrumming )
[ NEXT TIME ]
20 million Zygons have been allowed to take human form and are now living amongst us.
Any living thing in this world, including my family and friends, could turn into a Zygon and k*ll me.
It's not paranoia when it's real.
They've kidnapped Osgood and they've stolen the location of every Zygon on Earth.
The Doctor: Run away!
Doctor, the ceasefire's broken down.
The Doctor: He have a Zygon revolution on our hands.
Zygon: We've won the first battle.
There will be truth...
And now we are going to begin the w*r... or there will be consequences.
I think you might be right.
About what?
The end of the world.
`
The Doctor
Peter Capaldi
Clara
Jenna Coleman
Sam Swift
Rufus Hound
Coachman
Gareth Berliner
Lucie Fanshawe
Elisabeth Hopper
Mr Fanshawe
John Voce
Clayton
Struan Rodger
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn
Gruffudd Glyn
Pikeman William Stout
Reuben Johnson
Leandro
Ariyon Bakare
Crowd 1
Daniel Fearn
Crowd 2
Karen Seacombe
Hangman
John Hales
Writer
Catherine Tregenna
Director
Ed Bazalgette
Producer
Derek Ritchie
Executive Producer
Steven Moffat
Executive Producer
Brian Minchin
Peter Capaldi
Clara
Jenna Coleman
Sam Swift
Rufus Hound
Coachman
Gareth Berliner
Lucie Fanshawe
Elisabeth Hopper
Mr Fanshawe
John Voce
Clayton
Struan Rodger
Pikeman Lloyd Llewelyn
Gruffudd Glyn
Pikeman William Stout
Reuben Johnson
Leandro
Ariyon Bakare
Crowd 1
Daniel Fearn
Crowd 2
Karen Seacombe
Hangman
John Hales
Writer
Catherine Tregenna
Director
Ed Bazalgette
Producer
Derek Ritchie
Executive Producer
Steven Moffat
Executive Producer
Brian Minchin