01x03 - Season 1, Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Are you working here?

Yes. I work for a US advertising firm... and I'm opening a London office.

This is Fran. She's an old pal.

Great to meet you!

My guru Allan, he cured himself of prostate cancer last year with walnuts.

What did he do - jam them up his assh*le?

I think you should leave!

I have cancer.

Hey.

Hey, are you awake?

Uh-uh.

Can I talk to you?

OK.

Can you open your eyes?

Listen, I know it's hard when you can't sleep, but I was asleep and don't you think it's good if one of us sleeps?

No, I think it's good if you make me feel better and then both of us sleep.

I don't agree, but OK.

I keep getting very horny and very depressed at the exact same moment.

It's awful.

It just sounds like hormones.

What if something happens to the baby?

Nothing is going to happen to the baby.

What if he has a weird-shaped head? What if he needs a special helmet?

You should be thankful they even do helmets now.

In the old days, if your baby had a weird-shaped head, he just grew into a man with a weird-shaped head.

What if you die?

I had a full check-up before I came over here.

Do you have life insurance?

No, but I'll get some. We'll get you life insurance too.

OK.

Not too big a policy for me, though.

I don't want you to m*rder me to get the money.

I'm not going to m*rder you.

When women get m*rder*d, it's like 85% of the time, their husband did it. They'd totally know it was me.

Even if I wanted to k*ll you, I wouldn't k*ll you.

Or have you k*lled.

I won't k*ll you either.

Thanks, honey.

I keep getting this recurring vision that I'm in a restaurant and I have to go to the loo but I take a wrong turn and walk into the kitchen where an Italian chef is talking and gesticulating and the Kn*fe he's holding stabs me in the baby.

Y'know, because Italian people talk with their hands.

Anything else?

Yes! The world is a toilet.

We might not k*ll each other, but that doesn't mean t*rrorists won't.

Whether your government won't start another w*r tomorrow just f*cking because.

You can't worry about everything. There's too much - there's Ebola, global warming...

I'm worrying about all that too.

We'll be fine.

But you know who global warming WILL k*ll in our lifetime?

Bangladeshis. Just millions of Bangladeshis.

And who gives a sh*t about them?

Why can't there be like a air-borne gout that just kills rich people?

I'd like to wake up to news that Monaco had been wiped out by an avalanche of poorly built palaces.

We're getting a little off...

Do you know what percentage of greenhouse gases Bangladesh produces?

No.

Roughly zero. But Bangladesh is being eaten by the ocean while we drive Range Rovers to the mall to buy underpants that were stitched by a seven-year-old, who literally, in 2015, is an indentured servant.

Let's just say slaves, because their life is sh*t, in a ditch.

It's not even sh*t in a toilet.

Well, it won't get fixed by some whining idiot lying in bed lecturing a pregnant woman, will it?

Night-night.

Yeah, sleep tight, assh*le.

( She laughs )

'Hello, Rob?'

Hey, Tony. How you doing?

OK. How's things in London town?

Really great. Really working out. Are Greg and Mark joining us?

I'm here! Had to sneak off for a call with the Crocs guys.

Sounds to me like they're having trouble maintaining in Europe.

I'm like, maybe that's because European people aren't exclusively fat idiots who wear Day-Glo rubber clogs, you know?

They have fat idiots here.

Less though, right?

Yeah, in general.

Rob, bit of an echo there.

Could you move a little closer to the speakerphone?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Is Greg gonna join us?

No, he isn't. Listen. Rob, are you sitting down?

Yes.

Greg had a stroke Friday night.

It was a bad one and he's in a coma.

Oh, my God! Is Ellen OK?

Not really. It's pretty f*cked up.

Christ!

Just so awful.

Listen, I hate to switch gears so abruptly but could we get an update on what's shaking out over there?

It'd be great to get a clearer idea of what you've been doing.

You're making inroads?

Oh, yeah, inroads, a lot.

I mean, there's Jeff's Cola, which it looks like the supermarket chain Lidl are very keen to get behind.

So that's Jeff's.

Um... I'm just opening a spreadsheet.

Last week, I met with...

Hanley's.

They make pants for women who cook a lot. Chef women.

They make women's chef's pants.

Huh. So what kind of budget they got?

It's such a great product that, really, the sky's the limit.

Man, Greg...

Yeah. Just awful.

Let's circle back next week. I know Greg hated conference calls.

Just want to make sure you don't forget about us and become a Beefsweeper.

You mean a Beefeater?

Take it easy, buddy.

OK, thanks. Bye.

Yeah, bye.

How was your conference call?

It was tough. One of the partners had a stroke.

And they still made him do the call?

Good one. Good stroke joke.

I still have a job, which is a minor miracle.

They sort of implied that I had to up my game if I wanted them to keep funding my London office, though.

Don't you own part of the company?

That's what you told me the first night you met me.

Unless you were lying, to get in my knickers.

I own two and half percent of it. So, not lying.

And I seem to recall you saying you had a PhD.

I almost had half of one.

And that you were a published writer.

Anyway, up your game, like the guy said. Smarten up your act.

Maybe buy a suit with normal length arms. You're in London now.

Do you think Clive Owen would wear that?

Well, I don't know. Would Kate Winslet wear a boy's yellow tweed... f*cking smoking jacket?

I mean, what is THAT?

You see the one on the mannequin?

That little one like that.

Yes.

It doesn't match with that tie thing.

Why do they not have any grey? What is wrong...?

See, I think it's a neutral palette.

Whoa! I'm sorry.

Well, f*ck me.

Hey, Chris! Look, I'll just step out...

Don't be daft. Fran's out there.

I know. That's why I ran in here.

Ha! You're scared of my sweet little bride?

No, I just...

There's no shame in it.

Well, for you.

So... how're things treating you?

You settling in OK?

Yeah. Work is tough and I don't know anybody, except for Sharon and this one guy, Dave.

We should go for a drink sometime. Catch a movie.

I don't want you to be lonely.

Oh. OK, sure.

What about Fran...? Would Fran be OK with that?

No. She can't stand you.

She hasn't been able to enjoy an episode of Mad Men since that night, because you remind her of Harry.

Harry? Are you sure she said Harry? Didn't she mean...?

KNOCK AT DOOR How are those trousers, love?

Yeah, they're a little bit short, sweetheart.

Would you mind grabbing me one size up?

OK.

Thanks.

Call me. Not a word to the wives.

Oh, sh*t, no.

Take a left out of here, two rights, you'll be in Lingerie.

You'll be safe there. Go now. Go.

Get out of here!

YOU get out of here!

I don't believe it. How are you?

I'm great, thanks. How are you?

Fine. I mean, I'm in shock right now, but I'm good.

What are you doing in my bookstore?

You bought Archer's?

No!

This is nuts. What's new with you?

You still doing your PHD?

No.

Nothing's new with me. What's new with you?

A lot. Yeah. I mean, four years. A lot can...

Listen, I'm late to meet a person for lunch...

You're having lunch with a person?

Yeah, but would you let me buy you a cup of coffee sometime?

I don't drink coffee any more.

OK. Maybe we could get something to eat.

Do you eat food any more?

All the time. Every meal.

Well, great. Then we can really catch up.

Yeah.

I'll call you tomorrow.

OK.

OK!

Great!

Oh!

Ah.

Yeah.

OK, then. Bye.

sh*t!

Sharon!

Fran. Hi! I didn't... How are you?

Very well, thank you.

Haven't seen you since the...

Oh, well, water under the bridge now.

Is it?

It is.

Oh! Well, you look great with the...

I hope I do!

I just spent a minor fortune on a three-week rejuvenation retreat in Turks and Caicos.

Really?

How're things with you?

Oh, fine. Still riddled with pre-cancer, but the doctors says I'm probably going to blow it all out during the trauma of childbirth, so that's...

That's a turn-up for the books.

Yeah.

How's little Jeffrey?

Jeffrey! Jeffrey's wonderful.

He's started a new series for ITV1.

It's an adaptation of the Knights of Dorian books.

Oh, God.

Sorry?

Oh, sorry, no, I'm... That's great.

I just hate those books. They're so sh*t, aren't they?

No. No, I do not think they are sh*t.

I'm not saying the series will be sh*t. It's just the books.

And Chris, how's he?

Chris is great.

I just bumped into Fran.

Really?

Yeah. Did you not see her?

No. Wow.

Did you get your new image?

I did.

Did you get your book?

Yip.

Shall we skedaddle?

Yeah.

Ugh!

Wizards of f*cking yore!

( Door opens )

Hey!

Hi.

Hi.

You OK?

Yeah. I just heard a lot of "No, thank yous" today.

But they were so polite that you think you're hearing yeses until you replay it in your mind. And you know what?

It's f*cking rude to be that polite.

Do you want a tea?

Yeah, sure. How was school?

I kept getting that weird feeling, like I might cry or come.

I had to go to the bathroom and have a... you know... have a wank. By myself. It was awful. I mean, it was horrible.

Do you want to talk about it?

I don't know. I can't work out if it's hormonal or mental.

No, I mean do you want to tell me how you masturbated?

Did you use both hands?

Are you 14?!

Do you still have that feeling?

Yeah, a bit. It's always there a bit.

Well, the good news is, right before I came into the flat, this woman was bending over, picking up her garbage cans and I saw both her complete full breasts, so if you hadn't been home, I was gonna have to jerk off, but since you are...

You know what? It's passed.

( Phone rings )

It's Dave. That prick.

Ugh.

I'm just gonna...

Sure. Johnny One-mate.

Yeah, I don't envy you, having to build a book of business in a new country.

It's a nightmare.

Why don't you use this as an opportunity to start over?

f*ck advertising. It's for bawbags.

What do you really want to do? What's your passion?

I don't know that I...

Come on - dream job.

I love big animals.

Big-animal lover? What does that pay?

No, I mean I wanted to be a large animal vet when I was younger.

I started school to do that.

But then my cousin Brian started working at an ad company and pretty soon he had a Ferrari and was dating a figure skater.

Listen, do it. Be a large animal vet. Go for it.

Yeah?

Absolutely. Seize the day.

Right. What we seeing?

So I got us tickets for The Emancipation of Flyburton Crisp.

What?

The new Wes Anderson.

No.

No?

Just no?

Just no. What else?

Well, we could see that Adam Sandler movie. It starts at 8.10.

Let's go.

And a pack of Biros.

( Keyboard clicks )

Sorry. Excuse me.

Yes?

Can you keep it down on the keyboard?

Sorry?

It's just you're banging away there. Like, bash, bash, bash, bash!

Like you're self-harming your fingers. I can't hear myself think.

Jesus!

Hey, can I ask you something?

Would it really matter if I couldn't make the business work here?

Yes.

Well, hang on.

And instead I went back and finished my degree, got into veterinary school and then hopefully in a couple of years got a junior position, you know, at a zoo?

Yeah.

Yeah what?

Yeah, it would matter.

Oh. OK. Well, I guess it's back to women's chefs' pants tomorrow.

Aw, poor you.

Are you realising how sh*t it is being an adult with responsibilities?

All your dreams just...

"Oh, no, my dreams!"

You know, you say a lot of sh*t to me and I let you because you're pregnant, but just so you know, after you have that baby, I'm going be a f*cking assh*le to you.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Dave wants to take me to the launch of a new restaurant his friend is opening.

When?

Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night? Sure.

Hey!

You look great!

So do you.

You haven't aged.

What, since Saturday?

Well, no, since we... You know.

It's horrible!

You look the same and now I'm just this middle-aged-looking... person.

( He laughs )

Can I...? Where's the loo?

Um... it's, I think...

If you'd told me that I'd be sitting opposite you, having a friendly...

I know! It's good, though.

Yeah, I mean when you dumped me, I was like... oh!

Oh!

But then you realised your mistake and wanted to get back, but I was already with...

I think I was drunk.

Drunk for three months?

Ha!

But it's so great to see you. What's going on?

Just... all sorts.

Nothing.

It's complicated. You?

Well, I'm still with Gina.

( She chokes )

Really?

Yeah, she's pregnant, actually.

I'm pregnant too.

Really? Wow!

You didn't say.

Well, I just... I forgot.

I'm pregnant. Four months, by my fiance, Rob.

He's a successful American. Six foot four.

And you're still drinking?

It's fine. The new thing is it's OK to drink. A bit.

French women do it, and look at them.

Gina said she read that even a sip of alcohol could be potentially harmful.

Gina obviously doesn't know the pregnant wine score.

I can't believe you're still with Gina Randolph!

I mean, no-one thought that would last.

She was always just so much more... just everything than you - successful. Just... better.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

Are you sure you're still with her?

Yeah, we're solid.

She's due in February - same month her new book's out.

Is it another of the...?

Knights of Dorian, yeah.

The ones for kids?

For young adults.

I still write.

Well, good.

You were always funny.

Argh!

I had a really good time tonight.

You don't say that to a man, unless you want to kiss him.

Do you want to kiss me now?

No, I do not.

Great. I'm off.

Hey, man, can I ask you a question?

When Fran was pregnant, did she ever sort of... rocket between being really horny and really sad?

No, Fran would get horny and hungry at the same time.

One night she made me f*ck her in her parents' kitchen, and I'm not sh1tting you here, she finished off a plate of stew while I was inside her.

Wow!

Game of squash next week?

Sure.

Wear those little shorts I like.

Music: Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds You HAVE aged.

Badly.

( Door opens )

You OK?

What's up?

What have I done with my life? What have I achieved?

You've achieved plenty.

Why am even I asking you? You barely know me.

Well...

I haven't achieved sh*t.

And now I'm going to be a mother, it'll be even less than sh*t.

It'll be minus sh*t. My son will be embarrassed.

What's that?

It's just... It's just writing.

I used to write.

I had a letter published in The Times once.

Then someone wrote a letter about my letter the next week - it was that good.

That's great, honey.

May I take a look?

No.

Come on.

No!

Get off! No, get off!

Just get...!

You're really funny. This is good.

Not as good as Gina "Elf Fucker" Randolph, though.

The Knights of Dorian lady? Who gives a sh*t about her?

Just a few million zitty teenagers.

What about all the zitty teenagers who love you?

What about the letters on the fridge from your students?

They're insane about you.

I almost cried reading some of these.

When you go to work and you prod some snot-faced little kid into using his imagination or show them he can use a book to escape his shitty life instead of meth, that's massive.

We don't really have meth here.

You will one day and your students won't do it, because you inspired them to become archaeologists or brain surgeons.

Well, not that one. I mean, he's a nice lad, but...

I won't go into it.

You're so nice to me.

And I was so mean about your zookeeper dream.

I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend tonight.

Oh.

Why? Do you still like him?

No. He's awful. I wanted him to still like me, though.

Isn't that sad?

No, I get it. I have a Facebook account.

Listen, I was with Chris tonight. Not Dave.

I've been on two dates with him. I'm sorry.

We kept it secret cos he didn't want Fran to find out.

Like I'm gonna leap on the phone and call that cow?!

I'm glad I was mean to you about your zoo dream.

You're an idiot.

You're right.

Do you feel that?

Is he kicking?

No, he just did a little fart.

You can feel that?

Eugh!

Sorry. It was the baby!

No, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry!

What if there's a 9/11 at my school?

Why would there be a 9/11 at your school?

I don't know. Will you have sex with me?

Well, why don't we just...?

No, I want to. I need it.

But you're crying.

It's fine.

I don't want to have sex with a crying woman.

Really?

No, I'll do it, but get it together.

What if my womb prolapses after the birth and I can't wear leggings any more?

We'll get you special leggings.

Yeah?

Yeah.

OK.

What if my bladder bursts and every time I need to wee, it just comes pouring out me like a broken fountain wherever I go?

Adult diapers?

Adult diapers. OK.

It's gone soft.

Mm-hm.

Do you want to watch a Homeland?

Sure.