01x06 - Lasers and Liars

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Moonbeam City". Aired: September 2015 to December 2015.
"Moonbeam City" follows the exploits of an idiotic detective, of "Moonbeam City PD", who commits more crimes than the criminals he tries to lock up.
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01x06 - Lasers and Liars

Post by bunniefuu »

Unit 14 clear.

What can we get you, officer?

Well, a bazoom-burger with a side of nip dips does sound delicious, But I'm afraid I must inform you of something much less savory...

A broken taillight.

We broke it to get your attention.

Oh, right.

Duh. I'm coming in.

Slap that tomato.


Oh, put that tomato all over it.

Oh, the mayonnaise jar is open.

I'll just fast-forward through the 32 minutes of disgusting condiment play.

No, no! That's the best part!

Oh, tap that ass. Oh, tap that ass.

Okay, trying to get my footing here.

This floor is slick with mayonnaise...

Whoa! Oh, whoa, whoa!

Is it moving?


Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!

I hope nobody sees this tape.

Oh, God, I hope I'm not watching it right now.

Pizzaz is probably staring at me with that stupid angry glare thing she does.

Dazzle, if you're watching this, hang in there, buddy!

Don't let that crazy b*tch...

Yes, bravo, Dazzle.

Slutburger was a beloved Moonbeam City institution.

People are furious!

Especially those g*dd*mn highfalutin bastards at the Laser Society!

Slutburger was supposed to cater their g*dd*mn Laser Ball tonight!

Hey, I wasn't going to the Laser Ball to eat, if you know what I'm saying.

You were going to head up security.

And now, you're not going at all.

I can't miss the Laser Ball!

It's one-stop shopping for primo high-class tail!

Congratulations, Rad, the job is yours.

No can do and yes can don't.

I'm already attending the Laser Ball as an invited guest.

After all, I am part of the Moonbeam City elite.

Wait a minute, you're rich?

Uh, yeah.

How else could I afford the biggest mansion in Diamond Crest Estates?

Or this subscription to <i>Wealth Enthusiast</i> magazine, which confirms my residence in Diamond Crest Estates?

I'll do it! It'll be a great chance to try out my proprietary checklist system.

It uses color-coded Roman numerals!

I'm trying to think of someone, anyone, to run security at this ball.


Seriously, can I do it?

Back off, girlie! I'm in charge here!

I'm not a thr*at to you!


Looks like someone's Aunt Flo is back in town.

She seems to visit just about every month actually, except for a few months after last year's Cop Con weekend.

Maybe she was sick.

That's enough!

What? Ow!

Chrysalis, you can be in charge of security.

I have to go now.

What is happening to me?

Dr. and Mrs. Rosenblaze. Check!

The system works!

This is going better than I ever could have...

Well, hello, little girl.

I'm Ethel Vanderzazz, V-a-n...

I know it's you, Dazzle.

Damn it, Mrs. Vanderzazz!

I told you, you were wobbling too much!

Now, get out of here.

Sorry, Dazzle, I can't let you in.

This is unbelievable!

No human being has ever been mistreated so badly in all of recorded human history.

Don't ruin this for me! Just go!


Like a poor man!

I can't even imagine being poor!

I pay someone to imagine it for me.

Rad Cunningham. I'm very rich.

I don't believe I've seen you around, Cunningham.

Are you a member of Sparklewood Country Club?

Well, I was until they started letting in those filthy Quasarites.

Now I spend most of my free time on my yacht.

Why, we're all avid seamen! What kind of boat do you own?


It's a, you know, a Wave...

WaveTech? Which model?

Uh, a nine...

Nine Thousand?

Yes, exactly. A Wave, uh...


Tech Nine Thousand. Yes.

Us WaveTech Nine Thousand owners are a tight bunch.

A fraternity of sorts.

Yes. That's why they teach you the <i>WaveTech Nine Thousand Fight Song</i> at the dealership.

Lead us in a round, won't you, Rad?


♪ I love my WaveTech Nine Thousand ♪
♪ Splashing ♪
♪ All, uh ♪
♪ It's so awesome with the wind in your hair ♪
♪ The, uh, um... ♪


Pardon me, ma'am. Dazzle Novak, MCPD.

Am I under arrest, or is this just how you meet women?

Either way, I admire your tenacity.

Panache Miller. I'm chairwoman of this event.

Nice to meet you, Madam Chairwoman.

Is this your chair?

Why are we still not boning?

Okay, okay.



The sex was very good, Dazzle.

I'll have some more tomorrow. Say, at the police station?

I'll meet you there at noon.

Yes, ma'am!

♪ Of my WaveTech ♪
♪ Nine Hun... uh, Thousand Oh. ♪

Ah, very good!

Why, the only way to cap this night would be a ride on the very boat about which you sing!


I would love to, but, I, uh...

I cut my arm, and the loss of blood is...


Everyone, please look over here and be jealous of my incredibly rich, inventive-in-the-sack new girlfriend, Panache.

Oh, and... and this is a dangerous predator I caught living in the walls of a preschool.

Ignore him.

Ah! Panache Miller, I'd like you to meet, for the very first time in your life, my boss Pizzaz...

Miller. Huh.

Why, hello... little sister.

So to reiterate, I've been having sex with your sister?

I have no sister.

In fact, I have no four sisters.

Poor, poor, pitiful Pizzaz.

I, too, had hoped we'd never see each other again, but sometimes fate throws a peanut in your lemonade, now, don't it?

Pizzaz is an heiress to the Miller laser fortune?

That's right.

My father is Commodore Vector Azimuth Miller, the original laser baron.

Once, Moonbeam City was a desolate marsh until Daddy struck laser.


Crude laser.

And it's all mine!

Soon he had wells everywhere, and the city was awash in yellow, pink, and blue gold.

He built an empire, and around it grew a glittering metropolis.

In his autumn years, the commodore foolishly handed the business to my greedy sisters.

They wasted our most precious resource on electronic tag games, progressive rock concerts, and corrective eye surgery, while they lived grotesquely off the profits.

The lasers, oh, they ran dry, as did the laser mining jobs.

And now, thanks to my sisters' avarice, we're left with the crime-ridden puddle of stink you see today.

It made me sick.

So I walked away, became a cop, and never looked back.

Very colorful history lesson, sister.

But the fact is, you didn't walk away, you were laughed off the field.

If you want to talk like some gin-soaked lasertante, I suggest you go back to the swamp you came from.

Oh! There's the Miller spirit.

I knew it was hiding somewhere beneath that cheap Satinique frock.

Wow. Sexually adventurous, superrich, bubble butt, and Pizzaz hates her.

I think she might be the one.

Oh, by the by, Sister, Daddy's health has declined and he's soon to be cryogenically frozen.

Daddy is sick?

Isn't that sad?

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Well, we didn't want to interrupt your important police work.

Let's go, Dazzle.

We're visiting Daddy at Irradiance Woods.

Sure thing, but first, I must process this dangerous predator.

Now, Dazzle!

Okay, I want you to go back to the preschool, wait, come back here at 3:00.

I said now, Dazzle!


Oh, he's all right, everyone!

Yes, just a little blood loss.

Who... who are you?

He has his famous, wealthy sense of humor back!

Now we can finally take the ship ride we've been waiting for.

Ship ride?

This is the only WaveTech Nine Thousand at the marina, so it must be yours.

<i>Daddy's Three Princesses,</i> that's an interesting name.

Do you have three daughters, Rad?

Uh. Oh, that's what I call my penis and testicles.

Delightfully ribald. WaveTechers?

Shall we commence the boarding process?

Oh, sure! Just have to, uh, gas her up, you know.

Oh, oh, oh, look! A pelican!

Oh! Oh, my!



Ah, now that the pelican has been seen, let's continue with...

Good heavens!

Oh, no! My boat!

Yes, indeed! It's being destroyed as we speak!

Please tell me you didn't have anything valuable on the boat, Rad.

This is my chance to keep proving I'm rich.

Yes! My stacks of cash! And my flawless diamonds!

What else was on the boat, Rad?

My... superhot wife!

Your wife?

She must have had tremendous sentimental value!

Uh, her name is... Dorothy.

Oh, Dorothy!

Oh, Daddy. I came as soon as I heard.

Sweet Pizzaz, your voice is a sound for sore ears.

The freezification, it's already g*n.

You weren't even going to tell me?

I'm sorry, my dear. I couldn't wait any longer.

Your sisters all agree it's time for me to go.

No. No, that's just because they want your money!

Please don't leave your fortune to them!

I haven't chosen an heir.

I have six hours to finalize the will before my signing arm is frozen.

Oh, Daddy. Daddy, no!

Well, well, well, I certainly hope you haven't come back to dip your candle in the pepper pot, little sister.


She knows better than that, don't you, missy?


Why, of course she does.


Would you look at this?

All the Miller girls back together.

Somebody take a Polaroid.

Hey, Pizzaz! It's me, Dazzle! From work?

Dazzle, we need some sister time.

Go into the kitchen and mingle with the husbands.

Yes, ma'am!

Let's move this party to the Mantel Room.

No! Not the Mantel Room!

Now, let's get down to business.

Per tradition, each of us will have a turn in front of our respective mantel to make our case for the family fortune.

I'll go first.

Ever since I was a girl, I have always dreamed...

And my Fabergé cubes, and my dinosaur boners, and my collection of rare blues records and...

Rare blues records?

Why we're all veritable buffs!

Which rare blues recordings do you have?

Old, uh, Willy Williams, um, uh...

Blind Billy Billson, and Deaf Johnny Bluesington, and, uh, Mute Eddie Caldwell, Little Buddy...

My boat! My boat!

Sweet Mamma Big Toes and Deaf Malcolm Shuggs.

Pardon me. Um, Panache said some presumably really cool husbands were in here.

Have any of you nerds seen them?

Oh! You must be Panache's new toy!

Hello, I'm Mylar, aka Mr. Accoutrement.

And we are the Miller husbands!

Play your cards right, and you could be one of us!

Now grab a seat.

You're just in time for catalogue shopping!

Well, you certainly seem like Panache's type.

Let me guess, firefighter? Prism splitter?

I'm a cop. What do, uh, you guys do?


Oh, honey, us Miller husbands aren't allowed to have jobs.

We are allowed to have hobbies. Zinc here is into beekeeping.

Mute Mutey Also Blind, uh, Happy Robert Jones, Sad Robert Jones.

Oh, I left my daughter's wedding as soon as I heard.

Is this him?

Rad, this is Zap Mendelson, executive director of the Moonbeam City Bluesological Institute.

I have a blues salvage team standing by.

I just need a complete inventory of your collection.

Ahh, well, Blind Dock Bouey man, Wavy Jack Pierwood...

Sneezy Sun...


Sneezy Sun Birdcaw.

Yes, I think I've heard of him. Go on.


Fly Noselander.

Noselander? That... that's a Jewish name, isn't it?

Rad, are you saying that Jews invented the blues?


Why, my organization, Luncheons for Causes, has raised over $200,000 for cause-related luncheons.

Oh, please.

Those luncheons are a total sham, unlike my Gala Awareness Charity, which raises awareness of charitable galas.

This has grown tedious.

Why don't we all g*ng up on Pizzaz for a while?

You little slut.

What a filthy little bug of a woman.

You will get nothing!

Who do you think you are?



These bitches are vicious!

Okay, I am gonna go see if they're almost done.

You can't just go in there!

That would be su1c1de!

You don't want to see how the ladies get when they argue.

Well, you don't know Pizzaz.

She's probably juggling your wives' heads right now.

I'll go rescue them.

Beware the ladies!

All right, Pizzaz.

Spit out their bones before you...

Go away, Dazzle! No, I don't want you to see me like this!

Get back in the kitchen!

Sit on the ground and cross your legs, you little slut.

He's alive!

I've got the ice pack ready to go!

Where's your slap mark?

She didn't slap me.

Pizzaz, she was crying.

Yes, that's life in Irradiance Woods.

The ladies can be so cruel.

You ungrateful hussy.

I'm going to...

Look, Daddy's signing arm is nearly frozen solid!

That's no reason to interrupt me, Accoutrement.

We can just use a laser to unfreeze it.

Only a fool would suggest such a reckless use of a precious laser.

Then again, you have always been a cheap, tacky laserite.

Bite your tongue, Pizzaz!

Don't stoop to their level.

Oh, come on, stoop! You know you wanna stoop!

Go to hell.

No, Pizzaz. No!

You crazy b*tch!

My God.

You've taken steroids to enhance your slapping arm!

That's right.

The days of Accoutrement Panorama Miller being out-slapped are over!


Charisma, what have you done to yourself?

I did what I had to do to get ahead in this family, and if that means replacing my arm with an aerodynamic mechanical blade, then so be it!

Old Jimmy Realperson.

Now, Rad, I notice you haven't mentioned owning the original Sawdust Jimmy Jesperson 10-inch, which represents a gaping hole in any serious blues collection.

Ha! Sawdust Jimmy Jesperson?

Oh, that's a well-known fake.

But I saw a copy at the Moonsonian Insti...

No! Fake.

Seems like Mendelson should have known that.

Makes me question his credentials.

Mm-hmm. Please, Rad, more blues names!


Die, whore!

Oh, take it!

I hate your fat face!

As predicted, your selfishness has been your undoing.

Shut up, all of you. He's saying something!

I'm now too frozen to sign the will, so no one will get anything.

What did he say?

He said Accoutrement gets everything and the rest of you are all ugly and fat!

I said no one gets anything!

No one gets anything?

This is all Pizzaz's fault.

My fault?

You ruined everything, Pizzaz!

Why couldn't you just stay away?

Stop it. No.

Watch out!


Daddy, no!


Pizzaz, you were always my special girl.

It broke my heart when your scheming sisters forced you out of the laser business.

And now I've broken your heart again.

You're the only child that's made me proud.

The laser fortune is yours.


Of course, I've invested everything in the most stable commodity there is: rare blues recordings.

The laser fortune is mine!

Those are my blues!

Take my cherished laser amulet.

Use its power to stop Panache!

Panache fled with Daddy's fortune.

Let's go!

Panache left me?

Here, have a tissue. This could be a long cry.

No! We are through being pushed around by these shrill cows.

Let's get out of here before they turn you into another one of their useless, castrated losers!

Don't listen to her, Dazzle. There's no shame in what we are.

And the castration procedure is virtually painless.

Dazzle, stay with us.

Get away! I'm not one of you!

You're the kind of garbage I usually drive to su1c1de by giving their wives the ramming of their dreams!

Go ahead. Leave!

Wow! Did you see them run away?

I guess I'm a man after all!

Accoutrement! It happened again!

Get back here, you spoiled slut!

Sleepy Albert Keepsgoing, Weak Martin Wantstostop.

Look! A WaveTech Ten Thousand!

It's the ultimate in yachting luxury and performance.

The owner of that boat is clearly better than Rad.

Look at that captain, Captain Panache!

♪ Riding on the sea, she's a Captain Panache ♪

This is for you, Daddy.



Oh, no! Another WaveTech has exploded!

Oh, what a day for WaveTech!

Look! A flaming blues record! And it's coming right for us!

Sawdust Jimmy Jesperson?

It's real!

♪ I can't stop lying ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a liar ♪

Gentlemen, this is the Holy Grail of blues records.

Rad Cunningham, you have been completely discredited.

You are now human garbage.

It's good to have you back, Pizzaz.

I mean, Ms. Miller.

I mean, ma'am. I mean, Chief.

Chief! Oh, God. Please don't h*t me!

Relax, sweetie.

I've finally resolved my deep-rooted anger issues, and I promise I'm going to be nicer to everyone from now on.

Great to hear, boss, because I may have had another teensy traffic stop incident.

You mother...



Uh, Washboard Lester Chinscratcher, Poor Ben Nickelfinder, Unblind Apple Jefferson, uh, American Louie... Sandpaper, Fat Eddie... Aids.
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