07x06 - Halloween VI: Tic Toc Death

[bunniefuu]

[Bats squeak]

I can't live like this anymore!

Brick: [Imitating Rod Serling] Meet Frankie Heck... a normal housewife in a normal town in the normal state of Indiana.

But on this Halloween, she's about to find out that things are anything but normal.

Okay, Brick, we get it.

You're Rod Serling from "The Twilight Zone."

[Normal voice] Not even close. I'm Rod Serling from "Night Gallery"... less popular, but in my opinion, more nuanced.

Well, whoever you are, be him somewhere else.

Set, Hut!

Coming in hot!

Oh! Hup.

Ooh!

Oh, hey, Mrs. Heck, we're out of Doritos.

Oh, and, uh, Hutch I got to leave early tomorrow morning to go to practice.

Don't worry. We'll be home for dinner. [Chuckles]

But, uh, Kenny's gonna be stuck here without a car, so you might have to give him a lift up to his classes.

[Stomps]

Ha ha!

Hut, hut, hut.

[Clears throat]

[Grunts]

We got to do something about this.

About what?

Uh, this, Mike.

Look at this place.

I am tired of being the den mother of Phi Piggy Piggy.

Hmm. I guess it's not bugging me so much.

Of course it's not bugging you.

You're yucking it up with the boys in the sports bar formerly known as my family room.

This is not fair. Imagine if there were three college girls living in here.

Give me a sec.

[Sighs]

Got it. Go.

What are we supposed to do?

They got evicted from their house. They got no place to go.

I mean, obviously I'm fine with my own kid living here... but these guys are eating us out of house and home.

And this morning, I spent 10 minutes with a broom, trying to shoo something out of the bathtub until I realized it was a hair ball.

All right.

Well, if it's really bothering you, you should talk to them.

Me? Why do I have to be the one to do the talking?

I don't want to be the big, mean mom k*lling all their fun.

This has to come from the two of us.

Fine. Okay. I'll take care of it.

Axl, hey, listen, uh, we got to talk about the current housing situation.

Your Mom thinks it's time for you guys to leave.

Mike!

What?

"Your Mom thinks"?

I don't need an interpreter. I could've done that myself.

Your Dad thinks, too, Axl.

What your Dad called you in here to tell you is what we both think.

[Sighs]

Well, you're really the one with the issue.

It's not my issue. We both have the issue.

It's both of our issue that you were supposed to express to our son on behalf of both of us.

Sorry. It's not just her.

[Sighs]

We are both in agreement that things have hit a breaking point for your Mom.

Relax.

So, you know, Hutch and I are totally focused on finding a new place.

I mean, there might be a little overlap where Kenny has to bunk with you guys for a couple months, but, you know, trust me.

I'm on it.

[Clicks tongue]

[Crowd cheering on TV]

What? He said he's on it.

Oh, Axl's on it. I feel so much better.

Boo!

Sue?

Surprise!

What are you doing here? Oh, I've missed you so much.

Oh, so are you staying over? Please stay over.

Oh, wait. It's your first college Halloween.

You've probably got parties to get back to.

Actually, I tried to plan this non-drinking Halloween bash, but since the only names on the sign-up sheet were "yeah, right," and "nerd,"

I decided to ride out the night with you guys.

Oh, honey. This is gonna be so much fun.

Hey, why don't we put the fire pit in the driveway and hand out candy?

I heard Kelly ripa said she did that with her daughter once, and I always wanted us to do it, but then I forgot.

Yeah!

[Laughs]

[Applause]

Axl: Whoo!

Come on, Ref!

Aw, Ref!

All right, listen, since Sue came home, she and I are gonna do the Kelly ripa-fire-pit thing you boys thought was dumb.

Wait. Sue is staying here tonight? Did she clear that with anybody?

She doesn't have to clear it with anybody. She lives here.

I'm just saying. It's a slippery slope.

Good luck getting Kenny out of her bed. It's like wrestling an alligator.

Anyway, I am going to need you, Mike, to take Brick trick-or-treating.

Aw, come on. Kenny got us the football package.

Aren't you getting a little old for trick-or-treating, anyway?

Actually, I'm just going to get candy for Cindy. She gave me a whole list.

Most of it's name brand, and she won't accept anything fun size, so you're gonna have to drive me to Orson Heights.

[Groans]

I'm watching three TVs here, Frankie. I'm like Elvis.

[Scoffs]

You know, if things had gone down differently in the kitchen, we might've been able to work something out.

Yeah, you knew I was gonna get back at you.

You just didn't think it would happen this quick.

It's cool. Kenny can record the games for you.

Can't you, Kenny?

Thanks, Kenny!

Yeah. Thanks, Kenny.

[Knock on door]

Ooh, trick-or-treaters already.

Oh, Rita. [Chuckles]

Hey, everybody, it's Rita Glossner. Hi, Rita.

You seen my boy?

Which one?

What are you saying?

Just that you have more than one boy.

Yeah, I know that. I don't need you judging me.

No, a-all I meant was...

Last I see him, he was digging around in your yard.

You got to stop planting things he wants.

Like our mailbox? [Laughs]

[Clears throat]

So, where was the last place you saw the little guy?

Why you asking so many questions?

I'm just trying to help.

I don't need your handouts.

Okay. I think I'll go back inside now.

Yeah. You do that.

You just keep looking down at the rest of us from your ivory tower.

[Mailbox scraping]

Where the hell have you been?!

None of your damn business! Here's your stupid maxi pads.

[Scraping continues]

Okeydoke.

Well, all's well that ends well, I guess.

[Chuckles] Happy Halloween.

I'm taking this pumpkin.

You don't need both, one percenter.

♪♪

Have fun, you two. Take lots of pictures.

[Vehicle departs]

Candy.

[Sighs]

[Skateboards depart]

Well, this is depressing.

I know!

Where all the princesses and puppy dogs and flower-pot babies?

Yeah, we're just getting the gross, pimply teenagers with the meaty hands, going, "gimme, gimme."

You know, that's why I don't buy name-brand candy anymore.

You never brought name-brand candy.

Yeah, but now I'm justified.

I'll tell you whose fault this is. The Glossners.

They've been terrorizing this neighborhood for so long, they've scared away all the good trick-or-treaters.

Rita lets those kids run wild.

They egg people's houses, smash pumpkins.

They call me Mrs. Dreck.

No wonder nobody wants to bring their adorable kids here.

[Sighs] I guess this neighborhood is just not considered classy anymore.

[Sighs] It's so true, Sue. So true.

Stupid Glossners.

Somebody should really get them someday.

Somebody should give them a taste of their own medicine.

You mean like writing a strongly worded anonymous letter to the editor?

No, I'm talking about really giving them a taste of their own medicine... doing to them what they do to other people.

[Sighs]

You're not...

Not unless you are.

Only if you are.

Oh, I am.

I'm not sure what we're talking about, but the way we're saying it sounds like fun.

[Both laugh]

[Muffled squeal]

Shh, shh, shh!

I cannot believe we are doing this. I am so nervous, I think I'm gonna pee.

Oh, well, you'll have to hold it, 'cause it is on, baby.

This thing is on.

[Muffled squeal]

All right, Sue, let's light this candle.

On three. Mm-hmm.

One... [Whoosh]

Ooh!

[Both laughing]

♪♪

Ooh, I got another one!

[Both laughing]

♪♪

[Thunder crashing]

[Roars]

[Panting]

Yeah, you better run!

I'm coming for you, Rita Glossner!

You're crazy!

Yeah, crazy enough not to take it anymore.

You just leave me alone!

Yeah, like you left us alone all those years, huh?

Huh, Rita? Huh?

Hey, Mom, I think we made our point. Let's just go home.

Shut it, Sue, or I'll take you out, too!

[Owl hooting]

[Panting]

♪♪

[Animal calls in distance]

[Panting]

[Screams]

[Thunder crashes]

Aaaah!

You're nuts, lady!

Aaah! Oh!

What's the matter, Rita? Are you scared?

Am I scaring you, huh? Huh?! Well, now you know what it's like.

Aah! Aaah!

I-I don't know what I did to you. Please don't hurt me.

Was it 'cause I took your pumpkin? 'Cause I can give it back.

My... my boys drew some penises on it, but they'll wash right off.

Mom! Mom, stop!

Get out of here, Sue.

If you're too much of a wuss, maybe you should go back to college with all the other wusses.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

[Breathing heavily] All's I got is boys.

You don't know what it's like being the only woman in a house full of boys.

They... they don't listen. They don't think.

I-I can't control them. They're like animals.

No. I do know what it's like.

I know what a house full of boys can do to a woman.

[Sighs]

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Aah! Don't touch me! You are a monster!

No, no!

Help! Help! She's a monster!

I-I-I... I'm not a monster. I'm not. I'm really not. [Echoing] I am not a monster!

Brick: [Imitating Rod Serling] Under the light of a full moon, a midwest housewife undergoes a frightening transformation, and the monster becomes the monstee.

Or are we all just one egg away from being a Glossner?

[Eerie music plays]

[Imitating Rod Serling] Three little pigs, their house destroyed, now running from home to home.

Will they ever find what they're looking for?

[Chuckles]

Hey, should we be looking for a new place?

Mm, let's see.

We're packing away money, eating free good, getting our laundry done.

Stop me when something doesn't sound awesome.

Oh, no, it's a sweet deal, all right.

I just wasn't sure if your Mom was cool with us staying here.

Eh.

She complains every once in a while, but secretly, she's happy.

Mm.

See, Hutch, mothers need to mother.

That's what they're put on earth for, like a lion that needs to hunt or a squirrel that needs to water-ski on YouTube.

Trust me, we are giving her a sense of purpose.

She loves to take care of people.

It was hard taking care of ourselves.

Yep. Clearly, we were not very good at it.

I think it's best for everyone if we just stay here for a while.

Plus, I've never seen Kenny so happy.

[Both chuckle]

[Doorbell ringing]

[Groans]

[Wind rushing]

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Sorry. I don't have any candy.

Go see the people at the end of the driveway.

They're dressed as an old lady and a dork.

So...

Oh, guess they left. [Sighs] Well, better luck at the next house.

[Chuckles]

Look. I don't have any candy, so just hit the bricks, dude.

God!

Man can't relax at his parents' house anymore.

[Chuckles]

Oh! [Thunder crashing]

Hey!

I said we don't have any candy. Go to the Donahues'.

They got candy corn and root-beer floats!

♪♪

Axl, hey, can you come here for a second?

Ah, you just got to jiggle the faucet. Nothing ever works in this house.

I'm thinking about filling out a comment card.

Uh... It's not the faucet. There's something in your backyard.

[Thunder crashes]

Oh! Damn it!

It's that stupid trick-or-treater.

Or maybe... It's the real grim reaper.

It is not the real grim reaper. I'll handle this.

Get off my lawn!

God! What is it with this guy? He's just standing there like...

Like the real grim reaper?

It is not the real grim reaper.

It's Halloween. Obviously, it's a costume.

If it were any other night, it could be the real one.

Or it's the perfect night for him to go out, 'cause no one would suspect that he's the actual Angel of Death!

[Thunder crashes]

[Both scream]

Damn, I wish I was back in Chicago.

See, everybody thinks big cities are scary, but all the really messed-up stuff happens in the country.

D-did he just come closer?

[Thunder crashes]

Is he staring at us?

I don't know. I can't see his face.

Does he even have a face?!

♪♪

Let's just grab a pop and watch the games.

Yeah. Pop's in the basement.

Uh... Aren't you gonna come down there with me?

Why? You don't want to go down there alone?

[Thunder crashes]

You want to stay up here alone?

All right, here you go.

We keep the refrigerator at 80 degrees to save money, so it might not be as refreshing as you'd like.

So, uh, I guess we should... go back upstairs?

Or we could stay down here and enjoy our pop.

[Sighs]

Ahh.

Ahh.

So, what's with the blade on a stick? That's a terrible way to die.

Oh, there's worse ways to go than that.

All I know is I don't want my obituary to include the sentence, "they found most of him."

Or, "found behind a wall in a clown's house." That'd be bad, too.

[Shudders]

Okay, can we just stop talking about death?

Hey, you're the one who started talking about getting whacked to death by the grim reaper.

[Thunder crashes] The grim reaper doesn't k*ll you.

Ho-ly crap.

The reaper is a hooded skeleton with no discernible facial features.

He doesn't k*ll people.

He comes to collect their souls, which he pops with his scythe before he escorts them to death.

Also, when I put my name on something in the fridge, that means it's mine.

What do you mean "he escorts people"?

Is, like, the grim reaper an Uber driver for death?

Guess the only question is, whose soul is he here to collect?

Well, I would say it's Axl's since he lives here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, I do not live here. I live at college.

Plus, you guys live here just as much as I do.

[Thunder crashes]

[Gasps] Unless we don't.

[Screaming indistinctly]

Brick: [Imitating Rod Serling] Three men who wanted...

Go, go, go! Go, go!

...all the comforts of home with none of the responsibility.

Can you be fed, nurtured, and paid for like a child and still be a man?

Aah!

That's a question that shall be pondered whee, whee, whee, all the way home.

[Laughs maniacally]

[Imitating Rod Serling] An ordinary boy in Anytown, USA, a place where people dress up and knock on doors, asking for candy.

Brick! Just say, "trick-or-treat." Nobody knows who you are.

Oh, I get it. You're Rod Serling from "The Twilight Zone."

[Normal voice] No, I'm Rod Serling from "Night..."

[Sighs] Yes, "Twilight Zone."

Girl: Trick-or-treat!

Thank you.

Children: Trick-or-treat!

Let's see.

Bingo!

You nailed the Mars Bar.

Got a Milky Way, an Almond Joy, the ever-elusive Charleston Chew.

I think you got everything on Cindy's list. I think we can just pack it in and...

♪♪

Oh.

Are you Rod Serling from "Night Gallery"?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Let me get you a treat.

[Thunder crashes]

Happy Halloween.

Mm.

[Door creaks]

Where were you?

[Sighs] Dad, there's a painting in this house that looks exactly like me.

Look, I know it sounds weird, but you have to see it. You have to come back with me.

Look, I'm trying not to find out the scores of three football games.

And every second I spend out here is another second I risk somebody telling me who won.

Imagine you had three books you didn't know the endings to, then you're out in a place where a lot of people know the endings.

I don't understand. If I had three books, why would I go out?

Exactly.

Please, Dad. I'm not kidding. It looked exactly like me.

Fine. We'll look at the creepy painting.

Well, I didn't say it was creepy. I said it was me.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi. Sorry to bother you.

My son thinks you have a painting that looks like him, and he wants me to see it.

Oh, uh, this painting?

It's "Daniel Crommelin Verplanck" by John Singleton Copley.

I-I saw it at the MET, and I bought a copy at the gift shop, 'cause it reminded me of my husband when he was a boy.

Whoa, Brick, that really does look a lot like you.

Mm.

Oh, I guess it does. [Chuckles]

Wow. Is that a library?

Well, yes, that's our downstairs library. We also have one upstairs.

[Chuckling] Oh, God. My husband and his books.

He was right in the middle of one, but, uh, he ran out of time, and so now he's gone.

I'm sorry to hear that. Well, good night.

Just before he went, he said to me, "Cynthia, there's never gonna be enough time to read everything I want to read."

Wait a minute. So you're telling me that you married a man who loves books, he looks just like the boy in the painting, and your name is Cynthia?

Oh, yes, but everyone calls me Cindy.

[Thunder crashes]

[Door creaks]

I'm a time traveler!

Great. Your next journey is back to our couch.

Don't you understand the enormity of what's going on here?

You don't have to worry about me anymore.

I turn out fine.

I've got an amazing house in Orson Heights with not one but two libraries.

I marry my smoking-hot middle-school girlfriend, and I d*ed reading a boo...

What's the holdup?

"What's the holdup?"

You mean, other than I just found out future Brick is dead?

[Sighs]

I got to go back there.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

I'm sorry to bother you, but I really need to know something.

How old was your husband when he d*ed?

Oh, my husband's not dead.

When I said he was gone, I meant he's at a conference in Sweden.

He's the world's foremost authority on fonts.

I am? I mean, he is?!

Thanks very much. Glad your husband's not dead.

Uh, h-hold on. I have to ask you one more thing.

Have you and your husband ever done it?

Well, we do have four beautiful children.

[Door creaks]

Yes! Yes!

Did you hear that, Dad? Four times.

That's one more than you and Mom.

Congratulations, Brick. Future you is quite the ladies' man.

Thanks for taking me tonight, Dad.

Drink it in, 'cause this is the last time I'm taking you trick-or-treating.

You never know. Next year, I might be younger.

[Chuckles]

Don't make too much out of what happened tonight, Brick.

There's a lot of weird coincidences in the world.

You can't overthink it.

[Wind gusting]

Brick: [Imitating Rod Serling] A father and a son on Halloween night... [Thunder crashes] .. One determined not to see the future, one destined to know it.

Was it time travel or just the fevered imaginings of a boy hopped up on too much candy?

Orson, Indiana... a sleepy, little town where ordinary rules the day, or a dimension where death lurks in the shadows?

[Gasps]

Hi, Brick.

I've been waiting here all night. Do you have my candy?

Mm-hmm.

Good. It's all there.

Well, see you tomorrow.

♪♪

That's a question that can only be answered in The Twilight Zone.

Brick, seriously. Halloween was five days ago. You got to let this go.

I know. I want to. It's just such a nice way to frame our stories.