01x05 - Eat Something

[bunniefuu]

You know, a new widower moved in tonight.

That's right.

He lives in building D, apartment 3-B.

His name is Melvin Shlanga.

He speaks fluent Puerto Rican.

That's Spanish.

He's missing the last seven inches of his colon, and he always keeps grapes in his pocket.

So, he's a real catch, and he's back on the market.

Oh, you're on the market.

Gigi: But, let me tell ya-- I've got some pretty stiff competition for him-- three women in particular. Rosemary Guerrero-- she's a Cuban Jew hunter with fake breasts. Her husband is still alive. She's still married, but he's deep in a coma. Then, of course, my friend Mitzy. You know Mitzy. She smokes pot, wears a wig, and she's about 4'6" tall.

If he likes petite women, I'm screwed.

Then, there's Debbie Maizar.

Oh, the character actress?

No, this is a totally different Debbie Maizar.

And she's a Democrat with an iPhone.

Ricky: Oh.

Gigi: She's always on it.

I never know if she's spying on me or telling the NSA what I'm up to.

So, I have my work cut out for me, but I think I have a leg up on the competition.

And it's quite the leg.

Gigi: It's a fine leg, isn't it?

You're like a hobbit in her golden years.

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

Through his... brain.

Stomach.

What are you talking brain?

You don't know the saying.

Huh. Yeah, that makes sense.

Now, I'm no cook.

You and I both know that.

I don't know what I'm doing in the kitchen.

Tretchie Feinberg's ex-husband, he used to say that my brisket tasted like it came from a bris, which, you know, wasn't funny 'cause he was an actual mohel.

What's a mohel?

That's a Jew doctor who cuts your d*ck.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, guess what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna hire a private chef to cook for me for him. Melvin will never know the difference.

Yeah, but that's cheating.

You don't want your first interaction with somebody to be based on a lie.

You're right. That is lying, and you're not gonna tell a soul, are you?

Are you, Ricky?

No, I won't. I-I won't.

You're not gonna tell a living soul, are you? - I won't say a word.

♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

♪

♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

♪

Ricky: All right, even though I still think this is cheating--

I have prepared three chefs to meet with you.

Each with a different background, so they'll prepare three different dishes.

Okay. That's perfect.

Okay, now, you have to--

Yeah, and we'll see which one you think Melvin likes best. - Yeah.

Just be very complimentary and nice about what they prepare you, okay?

And it's not cheating if you win.

You know, a lotta winners cheat.

In fact, only winners cheat.

Losers play by the rules like you.

You play by the rules too much.

(Sizzling)

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

Hi.

Oh, my chefs!

What I'm trying to do, is win the affections of a new man. His name is Melvin, and the way to his heart is through his?

Stomach.

Gigi: Stomach.

And that's also the way to his penis, which is very important.

So, I want you three to cook a dish that's gonna knock his socks off.

And then, I'm gonna say that I made it.

(Chuckles)

Do you guys mind if we come over and just start lookin' at some of your dishes?

Man: Sure.

Woman: Yeah, sure, come on down.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I can come close.

Thank you. - What are you making for us today, darling?

So, what we have over here is a skirt steak.

Okay.

Woman: And I'm making it Brazilian style.

I'm gonna give you a little international flare.

Something that's easy-- something that's delicious.

Something that's gonna--

Spice it up a bit.

Oh, yeah.

I know what you're making.

What am I making?

A better hat.

I got some, uh, organic tomatoes, chili tomatoes here for you.

Oh, perfect.

To toss with the fresh homemade pasta that I made this morning, very early.

Beautiful.

You look like you're ready to knock me out.

Some men are very sensitive about going bald.

With a lemon zest.

Mmm.

A true Sicilian dish.

Boom! - And I'm gonna toss some fresh, wild arugula in there.

What'd you say? Wala-rula?

Fresh wild arugula-- wild.

Arugula, ooh.

...in his pants.

But, I don't want anything that's gonna bloat him.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

When I get bloated, I get wet.

But, when men get bloated, they get soft.

You know what I mean?

You still get wet?

I still get wet.

My Harold went bald when he was 21.

I'm not really going bald.

Oh, okay.

Wes: Yeah.

I'm making a cajun fried chicken.

Well, this is awk-- That's very exciting.

Yeah.

Oh, I love fried chicken.

If you spit in my food, I'm gonna report you.

No, I will not spit in it.

Wild arugula.

Do you know what arugula is good for?

Parkinson's disease.

Roberto: Parkinson's.

Which I don't have, yet.

Roberto: Great.

But, I'm liable to get Parkinson's disease.

Oh, you're in good shape. You--

No, I have a feeling it's coming.

Well, you know what they say about cajun food. - What's that?

It gives you better-- you know.

Oh, my goodness.

Wes: Yes.

Listen, whatever you cook, it should be with love.

Oh.

And a little bit of lust.

Extra love.

D-don't come in the food, whatever you do.

Oh, no, no.

Ricky: Thank you, Roberto.

It's, uh-- You're welcome.

Thank you so much.

All right. Thank you.

Gigi: From a culinary standpoint, this is gonna be a tough choice.

But, from a libido standpoint, the Italian has my vag*na's best interests at heart.

You know, I think vag*na is an Italian word.

It sounds Italian-- a vag*na.

All right, I'm starving.

Where's my food?

And I'm low blood sugar, so get it over here.

(Claps) Chop-chop.

Oh, my goodness, look at this.

It's important what a dish looks like.

Bon appetit.

Gigi: Bon appetit.

Okay, a little sea bass on my fork.

(Slurps)

♪

Very nice.

Very nice.

Very nice.

(Kissing sounds) Molto bene.

Molto bene. You did great.

Okay, let's try this one, now.

There it is.

Mmm. Look at this.

Very, very great.

Woman: Thank you.

I love it.

Let's try the third one.

Ricky: Mm-hmm.

What is this?

It smells like marijuana.

You tryin' to get me stoned?

Wes: Maybe.

Gigi: Yeah, I know.

♪

Mmm.

Give us a second.

Okay, come on.

Let's talk.

So, which one's your favorite?

I don't know how to break it to them, but they all suck.

You think?

They all tasted like cat meat.

All three of those are gourmet meals, okay?

Which one of these do you like the best?

First, you have Roberto.

The fish.

He's Italian, and I love that about him.

Although, he's Sicilian, so he's liable to put a hit out on me.

So, I'm a little worried about that.

Then, you have, you know, the-the--

The what?

The b-- the b-- the bla-bla-- the-the bla-bla.

The black woman?

Yeah, the black.

She spit in that food.

She did not spit in that dish.

She phlegmed in it.

She didn't.

She phlegmed in it.

I know phlegm when I taste it 'cause I'm constantly swallowing my own phlegm all day.

All right, what about the last dish?

It was the fried chicken on the-- on the-the cajun rice.

There was another dish?

The fried chicken with the cajun rice?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think--

There were two dishes.

No, there was a third one by Wes.

Who's Wes?

The last chef with the hat on.

Oh, that dumb hat, and he claims not to be bald.

That's bullshit.

You don't wear a hat like that unless you're goin' bald.

So, do you know which one you wanna pick?

Do I have to pick one?

Yeah.

Oh, this was absolutely astonishing-- astounding.

You've done a great job... at wasting my time.

I asked you to cook it with love, and all I taste is spit and spice.

And I know you spit in the dish.

I told ya not to. So, get out.

♪ la la la la la ♪

Just leave.

♪ la la la la la ♪

Bring me a garbage pail.

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

I can't en stand to smell it.

It's ready!

Oh, it is? It smells wonderful.

I can't wait to eat it and chew it.

You are in for such a treat.

This is the Canadian national dish.

Gigi: Oh, look at this, what you made me!

It's poutine.

Poo-- you made me poo.

Now, get--

No, it's-- (Laughs)

Okay, let me try it.

It's a-- so, it's potato.

This looks amazing.

Yeah, it's potato, gravy, and curd cheese.

Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm.

You said curd cheese?

Curd cheese, yeah. Yeah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah.

Sometimes, you can use, like, um, they use goat cheese or--

Just some, you know, regular cheese.

Yeah, it's good.

It's pretty great.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

It's-- Some people say it's heavy.

I love it.

But, it-it pairs well with, like, hot dogs, or hamburgers, or--

I love it.

Let me, um, just-- I'll be right back.

Yeah. No, of course.

Yeah, it's wonderful, though.

I'm so happy you like it. Yeah.

I love it. Yeah, it's really good.

You really, really like it.

(Retching)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You don't like my poutine?

I do-- well-- reee!

♪ la la la la la la la ♪

I've decided to cook for Melvin myself.

But, you know, I'm not some sort of, uh, uh, uh, three-star Michelin rated cook.

So, I've had Ricky hire me Boca's top cooking instructor, the very best money can buy.

You know, I hear Melvin's penis looks exactly like the Michelin man, ribbed for my pleasure.

(Chuckles)

Hello.

Oh, arigato gojaimasu.

Gigi: What the hell is that?

He's already speak-- you speak English or no?

(Laughs) Uh, a little.

What? Did ya give me a non-speak--

You speak a little bit?

I'm from Cali, so yeah.

Oh, okay, very good.

Hi-- Ricky. - You scared me.

Chris-- pleasure.

Nice to meet you.

You scared me. Do me a favor.

Only speak English.

Chris: Si, senorita.

No, no, come on. Come on.

Chris: You got it.

Because the sound of other languages makes me wanna puke.

Okay.

Okay, now, you're here to teach me?

Chris: I'm here to teach you.

Okay, good.

I need a good lesson because I'm horny, and I'm tryin' to catch a man.

I'm talking specifically about a man named Melvin.

Chris: Melvin.

Gigi: - Get me inside his pants.

Okay.

I'd like to go inside there with my whole head and take a peek.

Look around inside his pants.

Oh, there you are, Mr. sir.

(Kissing sound) Kiss ya.

You know what I mean?

I'd like to kiss him on the schmekie.

Okay.

I'm sure you've had a few ladies who kissed your schmekie.

Uh, I'd rather not say.

Yeah, you don't.

He's never-- he's never had a lady kiss his schmekie.

It's neither here nor there.

Never had a lady kiss his schmekie.

I've had many things touch and kiss things.

Your schmekie they haven't kissed.

So, I noticed what you have set up.

This looks like it-it'll be Sushi.

Uh, yeah, I, uh--

Sushi is raw.

It's raw. Yep.

Okay.

Yep.

I like it raw.

All right. Well, let's get started.

Let's grab some, uh, nori, right here, which is dry seaweed.

Nori-- this has seaweed in it?

Chris: This is seaweed.

Gigi: This is seaweed?

Chris: Yes, it's edible.

This smells like a multivitamin.

If you put it on your face, it actually makes you look younger, as well.

Take a couple of extra pieces.

Yes, please do.

I'll put it on my face and on my punda.

Rejuvenate the punda.

Uh, all right. So, the next step-- grab some rice.

Gigi: Okay.

Chris: Just spread it out on the seaweed, and then just kinda just smear all across the nori.

You guys are looking great.

That's perfect.

Yes.

Flatten it out a little.

Gigi: Okay, flatten it out.

Chris: Uh-huh. Gentle.

Gigi: Yeah. Oh, it came apart.

Chris: Uh, no, it's o--

Gigi: This is a mess already.

No, no, we're-- you're doing just fine.

You're doing just fine.

This is too much work for me.

My fingers are very arthritic.

Chris: All right.

So, now take your bamboo roller.

Let's flip this over.

Rice side down.

Rice side down and a-boom.

Chris: Oh, there ya go, perfect.

Gigi: All right.

All right.

So, what we're gonna do is, we're gonna take a little bit of imitation crab meat.

Gigi: Okay.

Okay, great.

Take that.

Terrific.

Chris: Perfect. Excellent.

Gigi: Next.

Take a couple pieces of cucumber.

Gigi: I love cucumber.

Oh, I love cucumber.

Yeah, it's good.

So, now we got the cucumber down.

Let's just take a couple pieces of avocado.

Oh, avocado I don't like, but I'll put it on this food.

I don't know about this.

There's no tenderness in what you're doing.

You mind your own dish!

I am minding my own dish, and my dish, right now, would woo the heck outta Melvin.

I would get that guy over you in a heartbeat.

You know, even though I'm not into a guy like that.

Okay.

Any guy.

What?

I'm not into any guy like that.

And he's not--

Oh, I caught ya.

No, you didn't catch me.

Yeah, I caught ya.

Ricky: No.

You heard that?

He said he's not into a guy like that.

Ricky: He's not my type.

What kinda guy are ya into?

I'm not.

Yeah.

The woman kind of guy.

Yeah, woman kinda guy.

All right, we'll see.

So, how do we roll this now?

All right, guys.

So, let's take the closer end to you and then just roll it.

Gigi: Roll it. Yeah.

And just give it a nice, gentle squeeze.

Okay.

Yeah?

Gigi: Mm-hmm.

Wow! That looks great.

Chris: Yeah.

Yeah, looks good.

Wow, wow, wow!

You're a natural.

Oh. Mine is gonna be better. Look.

Chris: Oh, okay.

Not bad.

What the hell happened?

This is terrible.

No, no, it's good.

That's not a roll.

He's gonna see this and say, "What the hell is this?"

No, we're gonna cover it in some fish.

It's okay. It's fine.

No, this is-- Aye-aye-aye-aye!

Oh, wh-- no, no, no, no.

Look at this. It came out!

This dish is gonna ruin me!

And he's gonna go for someone else.

(Speaking in foreign language, spits)

♪

Just for the record, I was making mine wi-- uh, with a woman in mind, a very busty woman, really busty.

♪ la la la la la la la ♪

I'm gonna die alone, and it's 100% the fault of this horrible dish.

Melvin k*lled 14 Koreans in the w*r.

He owns the precision hair trimmer.

He's not gonna be impressed by Sushi.

I need to make him something that says love.

So, I've learned how to make Korean, uh, bi-- bi-bim-- ba-bum-ba.

Ba-bum-ba-ba.

Whatever it's called.

Bim-bim-yap.

Ba-ba-zoom.

Ba-ba-be-beetle.

Be-bems-be-bom.

♪

These are the best.

I can't-- I don't know how to thank you.

You're all the way from Cleveland. All right.

Wait a second.

Oy, look who's here.

Oh, great.

No, the way to a man's heart is-is-is-is-is through--

Is through his stomach.

Is through his stomach, yeah.

You're gonna make him sick with that.

What did you make?

I have a pillow that--

That's gonna end up in a garage sale.

That she got in a garage sale.

What's he gonna do with that?

Gigi: You think he wants a pillow?

You think he needs a pillow?

What is he gonna do with that?

I needlepointed this.

My brisket is back at my place, and he's going to go to heaven with it.

Yeah, 20 years ago.

I dare say this, but he doesn't want the brisket that you're cooking in the oven.

- Oh.

He wants the brisket, uh, that you're cooking down there.

Well, that's another story.

- Melvin?

Oh.

Rosemary Guerrero--

Now, this is a little dish.

I don't cook, not in the kitchen anyway.

Oh, but you're hot.

(Laughs)

Now, I wanna tell you a little something.

My husband, Sheldon, uh, he's in the chair.

He's on the diaper.

Would you like to come over?

I usually put Sheldon down around 6:30.

Come around, uh, 7:15.

I make a great sangria.

(Indistinct).

Okay.

Listen to a little Marilyn McCoo.

Oy vey.

Move it along.

Move it along, lady.

I love Marilyn McCoo.

Who doesn't?

And if you don't like that, I've got some great Godfrey Cambridge records.

Oh, my goodness. We'll laugh.

I'm telling you-- we will laugh. And love. And live.

Melvin, she bites.

All right. All right.

She bites when she gives fellatio.

Get out.

She bites.

Get outta here!

Bye, Rosemary.

She bites. She's a biter.

This is a needlepoint I made.

It's my favorite pillow, and I wanted you to have it.

I'd love for you to come to my place.

You bring the pillow, and I have the brisket--

And I have potato pancakes.

Yeah, he's gonna bring the pillow around with him.

That's what he wants to do.

Is carry your pillow all over the place.

Which floor are you?

I'm on the second floor, in the back.

They put her in the back because she bothers people.

I'll find you.

You have no chance.

Watch this.

No.

♪

- (Laughter)

Oh, get outta here. Geez.

Yeah, what the hell am I gonna do with a pillow?

I don't know.

Maybe stuff it up her ass.

I swear, Gigi, if you don't change your MO here--

Did you smell this?

Yes, I smelled this.

Oy, it smells like a dog farted.

That's umami.

Umami?

Umami.

This one is too sharp.

He's not gonna like it.

He is gonna eat it.

Oh, for God sakes!

How dare you call it--

I'll call you, okay?

Come here, sweetie.

I love you. Muah.

Okay, I'll sp-speak to you later.

...are the most incredible cookies that I made.

Oh, I love cookies. What kind are these?

Blue dream.

Blue dream? Ooh.

What, are you gonna get him high?

This is really good.

She's a drug dealer.

She deals dr*gs to all the, uh, grandchildren of all the--

They've been Bar Mitzvahed.

Well, I don't give a damn.

They're old enough to know.

This sh*t is good.

Well, you know where to find me, doll.

At the end of the hall?

On the second floor.

Yeah, go.

Yeah, go change out of your frock.

It's not Saint Patty's day.

Frock you!

Melvin, Mr. Shlanga, what are you--

I am. I am.

Look at you.

Yes, how are you?

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I hear you're very skilled in the bedroom.

What's your name?

My name is Gigi.

Cici, let me tell you somethin'.

Oh, you have such big hands.

No, Gigi.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, look at what I made.

What is that?

Is that, uh--

Do you know what it is? It's--

Uh, well, I served in Korea, and it look like one of those Korean dishes.

It's-- it-it's Korean.

It's bibimbap!

Bibimbap.

I don't like bip or bop.

What?

But, you ate all the-- look at this.

This, I mean, this is disg--

(Sniff) This smells like a fart took a sh*t.

Well, yeah, but it's chitlins, so-- and the white lady made chitlins.

What do you think I'm gonna do?

I've gotta eat it.

But, this-- I don't like whatever this is, the bip--

I slaved all night over this for you.

Don't ever use the word "sl*ve" in front of me again, please.

Well, it's a-- it's a, you know, it's a expression.

It's-- I don't mean it.

I don't understand that, you know, more than likely you-you-you had, uh--

I was never a sl*ve.

You were never a sl*ve?

No, I was never a sl*ve.

Listen, it's okay if you were never a sl*ve.

Listen, what's your name? JJ?

Gigi.

Melvin: You're trying to get me to eat something I don't like.

Maybe you should try and cook something else and bring another dish.

Take a bite-- one bite!

If I don't like it, I don't like it.

You're really starting to push me.

No, I'm-- you know what?

I'm not bringing another dish.

I worked very hard on that dish!

Listen to me. I don't care.

♪

You know what? You-- you know what?

I have a lotta money.

I have a lot of money that you could've taken.

I would've given you.

You could've been a gigolo.

You-you blew it.

How much money do you have?

You blew it.

How much money do you have?

That's none of your business.

Melvin: Why are you so angry?

Gigi: Because I slaved over this!

Don't use "sl*ve!"

I've told you that before!

Why, you son of a bitch.

May-May?

Excuse me.

Please don't go away angry, but do go away.

I'm gonna put a curse on you.

(Speaking in foreign language)

Well, up your gee-gee and down your leg.

Wish you were my Easter egg.

Take this with you.

No, you keep it.

It sucks.

Yeah, it sucks? You suck.

And let me tell you something.

I woulda sucked you off.

I woulda ssssucked you off.

I'll strangle ya.

♪ la la la la la la la ♪

You fffffft--

Oh, all right. Y-yeah, call me back.

Keep me abreast.

Ho-ly sh*t.

Melvin Shlanga has been rushed to the hospital with chest pains.

He's in observation.

It must've been all the food he ate.

They took him to Boca's worst hospital, too, Boca West.

You know, a doctor there got caught stealing organs.

Selling them on the black market-- uh, hearts, livers, kidneys.

He even stole someone's eyes once.

It was a big thing.

He nearly lost his license.

♪

♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la la la ♪

You know, I cannot believe that Melvin d*ed.

We were just with him the other day.

He was so strong and so spry.

So full of life, you know?

It's amazing how fast life happens.

Uh, any word on what he d*ed of?

Yeah, they're sayin' it was a food allergy.

(Gasps) Are you kidding me?

A food allergy?

That-- well, he didn't eat my food, so I'm in the clear.

Yeah, no blood on your hands.

No blood--

(Laughs) That's right.

Yeah, well--

I shouldn't laugh.

You shouldn't laugh.

It's not funny. No.

No--

Anyway, how do I look?

(Sighs) To be honest--

Yeah.

Far too loud for a funeral.

It-it's w-way too vibrant.

What are you talking about?

I think I'm downplaying it here.

No, you're, uh, you're supposed to represent death at a funeral.

Right.

That's why everyone wears black.

Yeah, but, you know, that's so cliche.

No, you need something a little more conservative.

Something like this, you know?

No, no, no.

This is-- this-this is drab.

It's not drab.

Get it away from me.

It's way more appropriate for a funeral.

It's drab. I don't wanna wear that.

Well, you're gonna be louder than anyone there, not just with your voice, but with your outfit.

Yes, I know. I'm looking to impress.

Who are you trying to impress?

Oh, I didn't tell you?

Melvin has a twin brother, Elvin Shlanga.

He's got more money, and he's even more black.