01x05 - The Sport of Kings

[bunniefuu]

[Buzzer sounds]

[Buzzer sounds]

[Buzzer sounds]

[Buzzer sounds]

Ugh.

Well, at least that one's behind us.

Sorry about that, guys.

Guess I had an off night.

Don't worry about it, Rajon.

Thanks for filling in.

Here's your jersey back.

I got to go.

My real team is on the ice.

[Laughs]

[Mocks laughter]

[Laughs]

Whoo!

Thanks a lot, Rajon, for sucking balls!

You know he does not try when he plays for us, right?

You know that.

Where's Kenny?

Kenny quit.

Said the games are too late now that he has a kid.

Wait, Kenny has a kid?

Yeah.

Ugh.

Hope it looks like its mother.

Jesus, his face looks like a sewer.

Anyway, I got a lead on a new goalie.

Gonna meet us at Maggie Mae's tonight, okay?

Then we're gonna take a vote.

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

All right, so what you're telling me is that you all just use toilet paper?

All: Yes!

God, think about it.

If you got mud on your arm, would you clean it off with dry paper?

No, that is...

No! You wouldn't!

And that is why I got a bidet this weekend.

Okay, how much did it set you back?

$10,000.

All: What?!

Right.

But listen, dude.

I swear it'll change your life.

It's already changed my life.

Holy sh*t, would you look at that?

[Dreamy music]

♪ ♪

Anthony!

How you doing?

Good.

How's everything?

Meet the Chubbys.

All: Hey.

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

Yeah!

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

[Skates scraping]

Guys, this is Molly, that goalie I was telling you about.

No way. You're the goalie?

Hi. Paul.

Leading scorer.

Hi.

Yeah, he's married. He's very, very married.

I'm Dickie Litski.

Yeah, we call him Shitski, though.

Can you shut up?

Anthony's told me a lot about all of you.

How did you guys meet?

Oh, he replaced my gutters.

Of course he did.

Hope you got the extended warranty.

Don't listen to him.

You have 30 days. [Laughs]

Well, maybe next time I should read the fine print.

Hey, Molly, I don't mean to be blunt here, okay?

But have you ever actually played competitive hockey before?

Yeah, I played goalie for northeastern.

It's division 1.

Yeah, but it's not the same.

It's division 1 women's.

Division 1 women's is division 1 women's.

Right, but it's not the same as men's.

What I'm saying... it's apples to oranges.

Exactly.

Is it apples to oranges or apples to apples?

Shitski, you were so much more attractive before you opened your mouth.

You are so gonna fit in on this team.

Molly, would you excuse us just for one second?

Sure.

Guys, come on.

All right, guys, look, before we bring her on... whoa, wait, wait, wait, "before we bring her on."

I didn't vote for her. Did I miss the vote?

I don't know if I like her attitude, frankly.

And the vote has to be anonymous.

Unanimous.

Dickie, how is it possible you make six figures?

Yo, hurry up, man.

Another team's gonna scoop her up if we leave her alone at the bar.

Look, Molly could be a key piece to this championship puzzle.

Oh, totally agree.

That's why no one is to try and bang her.

Ew, bang her? Who said anything about wanting to bang her?

I'm serious, okay?

If anyone hooks up with her, this whole thing can go to sh*t.

You're the one who was flirting with her, talking about your crappy warranty.

30 days is standard for a warranty.

Look, we need her to show up.

This isn't about individuality.

It's about the team.

I mean, if something goes wrong and she feels like a slut, or maybe you suck at banging...

Hey...

then we're right back to square one.

Simple rule here, Fellas.

Don't bang your teammate.

Yeah.

Somehow I don't think Vince Lombardi ever gave that speech.

[Upbeat rock music]

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Mol.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for the game.

I think he means in this locker room.

Are you shy, Dickie?

No.

You're... no.

Relax. The human body is a beautiful thing no matter what shape or form.

I just... I didn't want to change alone.

I mean, we're a team. We are one, right?

You gonna say something?

Yeah, I'd like to say something.

I am so horny right now.

It was your idea not to bang her, bro.

- And you're a hypocrite.

I'm a hypocrite?

She has a vag*na.

And how is that bad?

I like vag*na.

There's a vag*na locker room over there.

You and your vag*na.

I'm a married man.

That doesn't mean you get to ruin it for the rest of us.

Yeah. You weren't that married when we went to a strip club last week.

What the hell is she doing?

Maybe it's a goalie thing?

Kenny never did that.

I'm gonna go over there.

I'm gonna ask her politely to change in the other locker room.

Don't you dare.

How are we not supposed to want to bang her when she does stuff like this?

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Is anyone gonna play D?

Probably not.

Whoo! You're really saving our asses out there.

Eh. I'm a little rusty.

Don't worry. Dickie's been rusty for the last six years.

I think I'm gonna need some hot yoga after this.

I messed up my back at the stable where I work today.

Is that why you were using that tennis ball in the locker room?

Yeah.

I just like to loosen up with some hydrating oils before I get on the ice.

Every time.

Absolutely.

Oh, my god.

What's up with the stable you were talking about?

I love horses.

Really?

I wouldn't have guessed.

You a closet cowboy?

He's a closeted something.

[Forced laughter]

I've never actually been on a horse, but I have often thought about buying one.

What haven't you thought of buying?

If you're serious,

I'm actually looking at a horse myself.

Maybe I could cut you in on the deal.

No sh*t?

Yeah.

He's a retired stallion available for stud.

Well, the horse I wanted to buy would be on that races still and gets laid at night, but not, like, full-time.

Breeding is more money than racing.

Average stud fees go for, like, ten grand a pop.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, dude, then I'm definitely in.

[Laughs] Hold on.

Just like that?

Yeah. Because unlike you, I'm a man that actually goes for what he wants.

Who else wants in on this deal?

Uh, me. I want in.

Yeah, but you have no money.

I'll spot him.

Nice.

Why? So you're not the only patsy on this deal?

Me too. I want in on the deal.

Yes.

Jesus!

Are you kidding me?

So now I'm the only guy ass out?

I'm comfortable with that.

You guys remind me of my nephew.

He lives in a group home.

[Buzzer sounds]

What are you doing?

Do you have any idea how much protein is in this stuff, dude?

Makes me play better. Impossible.

Nothing can make you play better.

'Sup, dude?

- [Groans]

[Laughs]

It's a little bit of a step above Maggie Mae's, right, guys?

Don't be making fun of Maggie Mae's.

It's our home away from home.

'Cause everyone in your home drinks like a fish, huh?

Tonight calls for something special.

Tonight, we eat like kings.

How stoned are you?

How stoned are you?

[Both giggle]

All right.

Everybody, glasses up, please.

Hey!

Here we go.

A toast, Molly, to you.

Without you, we would have never... wait a minute.

Before we toast, are you in or are you out, Paul?

I'm still thinking about it.

Ugh, "I'm still thinking about it" is just a new way of saying "I'm terrified of my wife."

Okay, forgive me for not diving in with my eyes closed.

I mean, no offense, but we don't know anything about this horse.

What do you want, like, a Carfax report for a horse?

Actually, they do have those.

Breeding is all about the bloodlines, and we know everything about his lineage.

Hey, everybody good?

Folks ready to order?

Yeah. Why don't we let the lady go first?

Thank you, Dickie.

I will have steamed broccoli, no oil, with asparagus and mushrooms and dry roasted spinach.

Don't you want dinner?

That is my dinner. I'm a vegan.

You're a vegan?

I have never understood that.

No offense... you have a slammin' body... but what's with all the fat vegans walking around?

How do people get that fat eating just plants?

Because I think there's some people that lie about being a vegan, like how you lie about being a heterosexual.

- Right?

Boom!

All right. I will take it from here, then.

Let's do surf and turf for everybody.

Pick out a bunch of sides... enough for the whole table.

And on the lobsters, please make sure they're all female.

Female?

I'll have to check with the chef about that.

No, you mean Sasha?

Tell him Dickie Litski's asking. He'll do it.

Will do.

What's up with the female lobsters?

You're so sheltered.

Do you ever get out?

Female lobsters are stuffed with eggs.

They're a delicacy.

Am I right, Molly?

I really wouldn't know. I don't eat fish.

Well, you don't know what you're missing.

Let's get back to this horse.

I want to hear more about it before I invest.

Okay.

So, his grandfather placed third at the derby in '02.

He eventually seeded a sire who was a contender at Belmont but settled for a place.

When he went to stud, he spawned our horse.

You happy now?

What's wrong with this horse?

Oh, what's with all the questions, dude?

No, no, it's fine.

There are no stupid questions. Thank you.

Although you come really close.

So, he won several races but was forced into retirement.

What happened? Did he get hurt?

No, it was more of a mental thing.

He refused to travel.

Oh, so he's sort of like Anthony, who will not travel away from his mother's house.

No, no, no.

I think this horse is deeply soulful and just wanted to remain in his element.

Okay. Last question.

What's in this for you? Why cut us in?

Look, guys.

If you don't want to do this... if this is a bad idea...

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

Rosenberg, do not drag your d*ck on this.

The guys that bought Funny Cide, they chipped in 75 grand and they whacked up 3 million in the end.

Yeah, I hate to agree with Shitski, but opportunity is knocking.

You don't want to be the only guy who didn't chip in for the office lottery pool, Paul.

Fine. Count me in.

[All cheering]

There he is!

Paul!

Wow.

Cheers to Rosenberg finally growing a pair of balls.

There it is. Put 'em on the table.

I spoke to Sasha. He's not taking any special requests.

Are you serious? What exactly did he say?

He said, "Dickie who?"

[All laughing]

Ask him if he knows Dickie Shitski.

[All laughing]

That's funny.

I'm gonna go talk to this clown.

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Perfect timing.

Grab that bag for me.

Don't just stand there. Open it.

I didn't know we got a crock pot.

It's a paraffin bath. It keeps my hands hydrated.

Do you want to try?

I want to try sticking my joint in it.

No, don't even think about sticking your d*ck in my paraffin wax.

You should try hydrating oils, babe.

What do you know from hydrating oils?

I know things.

Hey, you know we got a new goalie today?

That's nice.

Yeah.

She's really good.

Good for you.

That's all you got to say?

Okay. I'll take the bait, Paul.

Thank you.

Oh, wow.

You have a female goalie?

Trust me. She can have you.

I hope she whisks your ass all the way back to Sayville.

Truth is, I'm just surprised that you and the other dopes would be secure enough to let a woman play on your team.

You're kidding me, right?

Everybody loves her.

She works with horses...

Paul.

Mm-hmm?

Why would I give a sh*t that she works with horses?

Spit it out. What are you asking me?

Nothing.

Nothing!

I mean... okay, well, she told us about a horse that was for sale, and, you know, we thought we'd come together, chip in some money, and get a horse.

Excuse me?

You want to buy a horse from a goalie that you just met?

I mean, maybe. I mean, we're talking about it.

You know, you can make a lot of money off of horses.

We breed him, the stud fees alone...

10 grand each.

Aside from the fact that your friends have the collective IQ of a raisin, it is never a good idea to go into business with friends or family.

The guys who bought Funny Cide whacked up 3 million.

That sounds like something Dickie would say.

That's okay. You're right. You know what?

Just go grab my checkbook.

You know, the one with the negative balance?

I knew this would be your reaction if I wanted to buy a horse.

Because I live in the real world!

These things blow up all the time.

There is an excellent chance this will not end well.

The guys are gonna do it with or without me.

You already told them you were in, didn't you?

Yeah.

Can you believe that we're in Brooklyn?

Most people wouldn't think of horses and stables here.

No, mostly I think of pizzas and mob hits.

God, you look amazing.

I feel amazing. Thank you.

Today is gonna be a great day.

Is this him?

Yep. Isn't he majestic?

What's his name?

Fother Mocker.

I'm sorry, come again?

I know.

His original owner was an angry man with a speech impediment.

I like it. I think it sounds tough.

What up, Fother mocker?

Anyway, let's get the business out of the way here.

There's ten grand.

That's four grand for me, six for Sebalos.

Yo, why am I paying two grand more than you?

That's the vig for me laying out the cash for you.

This is not a charity case. That's bullshit.

We should be paying the same amount.

And what's a vig?

What are you talking about?

I thought it was $5,000 each.

Yeah, he's making me pay six grand.

That's between you two.

I could care less.

Here's my share.

Oh.

What's with the change, dude?

Oh, I'm about $846.37 short.

Like, roughly.

Talk about charity cases.

Okay, first of all, you have no money.

That's not... second of all, you have no clue how hard it is to collect from my customers.

Well, we need to figure this out today, guys.

Otherwise, we're gonna lose the horse to someone else, and his first breeding session is set for later in the week.

All right. Dickie, could you spot me the rest of the money?

Please?

I don't know if I can trust you.

You don't know if you can trust me?

You trusted me yesterday to order you a fiberglass prostate massager.

'Cause I broke my other one and you could get it wholesale.

All right. Why don't we just get the money from Rosenberg?

Yeah. Good luck getting $800 without his wife's blessing.

All right, let's just tell him it's an extra thousand.

What? It's a two-income household.

It won't even make a dent.

Agreed.

Let's make it 2,000 so he covers my vig.

Ah, that's a little over the line.

Of all people to determine where the line is.

Shh. He's coming. He's coming.

Wow!

Look at him.

He is huge!

That's a real champion right there, boys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got the money, man?

Well, hello to you too, Shitski.

Jeez.

We didn't even discuss money, actually.

How much do I owe you?

6,000.

Both: 7,000.

$7,000.

Okay, well, I brought my checkbook, so, uh, should I just make it out to cash?

Cash is great.

Yeah.

All right.

[Bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[Groaning]

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Yo, yo, yo. What's up, bros?

Dude, come on. You just got me in the taint.

Oh! You forget to shower, dirt ball?

What do you mean? I came right from work.

What, is there a dress code for watching horses bang?

Ow!

Hey.

Can we go in and watch?

You are perverted. You know that?

It might not be the best idea.

It's his first breeding session.

We want him to focus.

More the merrier, I always say.

Yeah, I wouldn't get in the way.

I would just, like, sort of stand in the corner and...

Take it all in, you know?

I am so psyched about this.

Oh, wait a minute! I have a gift for you.

Ow!

It's nothing, really.

It's just a little thank-you...

For taking us in on the deal, and... here you go.

Oh, Dickie.

Tantric oil. That's so sweet.

It's actually not that sweet.

It's kind of weird.

Molly.

Yes.

You have a second?

Be right back.

Hey, assh*le.

What?

You serious with that?

I've told you a million times, no one's to try to get in her pants.

Remember? Don't bang your teammates.

I just got her a gift, man.

Of sex oil.

It's a general wellness product.

You're barking up the wrong tree, man.

She's got a thing for me.

Oh.

You wish.

No, I'm serious.

I caught her sniffing my cup the other day in the locker room.

So, she likes the smell of mediocrity and drunken daydreams?

Yeah.

Guys.

We've got a problem.

Fother Mocker is not cooperating.

What does that mean?

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

What are we supposed to do now?

Maybe you should go talk to him.

What am I, a horse whisperer?

Yo, Dickie.

Give him one of your little blue pills.

Dude, this isn't funny.

No, it's not.

[Horse neighing]

Hey.

I am so sorry that this is happening.

I can't believe I brought you guys into this.

It's not your fault.

I mean, not everyone can get it up on command.

No, but this is, like... it's okay.

Come on, bring it in. Get in here.

Come on. Get in here.

Ooh.

You smell so bad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I came right from work.

I mean bad in a good way.

[Sniffs]

This sucks.

I can't tell Karen she was right.

Maybe you don't have to.

Check that out.

He's getting ready to mount the mare, dude.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

Okay?

Oh, god, go.

Oh, it's going in!

Okay!

It's going in!

Oh, just look at that thing!

Get it!

Oh, my god.

[All screaming]

It's going in!

[Horse groans]

Oh, no.

The hell just happened, bro?

Oh, no.

Should we call a Vet?

Oh.

[Upbeat rock music]

Sebalos, you're being obtuse.

The whole point is, you have to choose between being invisible and being able to fly.

You got to, like, use words that I know, 'cause I...

Hey! Where the hell were you?

Me? Nowhere.

Dude, we're on the ice in ten minutes.

Have you spoken to Molly?

Why would I speak to Molly?

It's not like I'm her boyfriend or something.

Oh, I heard from Molly today.

Yeah, she sent me an e-mail.

"Hi, Paul.

"I'm writing to you because I didn't know who else to tell.

I'm sorry to say I'm leaving the Chubbys."

What?

What?

"Something happened at the stable

"during the breeding session...

I hooked up with Anthony."

Wow.

You're a piece of sh*t.

What do you mean?

Dude, it's the first time I'm hearing about it.

"The sex was unremarkable to say the least... "

Yeah, okay.

"But now I am not sure I can deal with the repercussions of what was obviously a huge mistake. I'm also sorry to be the one responsible for getting you guys to invest in a horse that turned out to have had a weak heart. It seems the sex was too much for him. I know you lost your investment, but there's more to life than money, right?"

God damn vegans.

You're still paying me back, Sebalos.

Oh, there's no chance of that.

"And one more thing:

"Everyone else paid $5,000 for the horse.

Oh, that's bullshit.

No.

That's not true.

Who are you gonna believe?

Us, or some puck-saving sex goalie princess who loves frickin' sniffing armpits and balls all day?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Yeah.

Call Rajon, and have him come play.

[Whistle blows]

[Buzzer sounds]

Do you even try when you play for us, Rajon?

Uh... Not really.

Stupid d*ck.

[Laughs]

Uncle Chubbys.

Not really!

I missed another one!

Oops!