01x06 - The Ex-Factor

[bunniefuu]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

Kristin: You know what?

I think this is the first time I've seen you since the breakup.

Don't I look great?

I've never felt better.

I should've ended things with Kermit years ago.

What? I saw the video.

I thought he broke up with you.

And I saw you on Broadway. How much of that was real?

Huh!

Mm. That Kristin Chenoweth is a real dish.

You think we're too old for her?

What? You're cold?

[Sighs] There's my answer.

And yes, I am cold.

One minute.

Okay, uh, get ready with the opening.

Here we go.

Here we are.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, hey, hey. Denise, you made it.

Oh, my God. There she is, Kermit.

Oh, I know you think you're dating an accomplished network executive, but I am really just a giant nerd who is just Kristin Chenoweth's biggest fan!

Aw.

Actually, I own the domain name chenowethfannumberone.com, so we both know that's not true.

[Chuckles nervously]

I'm gonna die if I do not meet her.

What? Uh...

Oh, Kermit, introduce us.

You love me. You don't want me to die.

No, no, of course not. I-I love that you're alive.

Uh, that's one of my favorite things about you.

I-it's just that, uh...

S-s-she's kind of busy right now, you know?

Denise reminds me how exciting this business can be, so it's always nice when she comes to visit me at work...

Except when she's in the same room as the star of the show, who's also my ex-girlfriend.

[Chuckles nervously]

Uh...

I don't want those two worlds to collide.

I really don't.

Oh, no, you're right.

Yeah.

And there she is with Piggy, and that would be weird.

Weird, yeah.

Yeah.

I got that meeting anyway, so...

Yeah. Oh, Yeah. of course. You should probably go to that meeting.

Never miss a meeting.

Um, well, I'll see you later, then, hon.

Okay, bye.

Bye, Ker.

Bye.

Bye!

Mm. b*llet well-dodged.

Yeah, that was close.

If I don't do it now, I am never gonna do it.

Yolo!

And there she goes. [Whimpers]

So, tell me... who colors your hair?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh... Pardon me, Piggy.

I don't mean to interrupt, but I just got to, because I have to meet you, Ms. Chenoweth.

Oh, that is so sweet. Thank you.

What's your name?

Oh, where are my manners?

Hi. My name is Denise.

Denise.

I'm in marketing at the network, and, actually, I was a theater major in college till I went to get my master's, you know.

Had to let it go. But... but I am no Kristin Chenoweth. [Giggles]

Wait a minute... did I introduce myself?

M-my name's Denise, and I...

You did.

You did.

I did. I did say that.

I remember saying, "Hi. My name's Denise."

Oh, sh**t! I said it a third time!

Third time. Yeah.

Nice upgrade.

Denise: Oh, my God!

Anyway, it has been a pleasure getting to know you, and I-I-I'm just gonna leave right now, because I am still talking.

And I am still listening.

Yes, you are. Thank you, Kristin. Ah...

Oh, you are so sweet!

Come on, sweetie. I-I think you've said everything you want to say, and maybe some stuff you didn't.

[Sighs] It was the greatest moment of my life.

Don't ever let me do something that stupid again.

Trust me... I won't.

Is that...

Yes, it is.

Ohh. She is so sweet.

Mm.

And you handled yourself beautifully.

Yeah, well... I am pretty great with kids.

♪

[Ding]

♪ Ooh! ♪

Yeah!

♪ Unh! ♪

Hmm. Time to get things started.

♪ Ha ha ha! ♪

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Cheers and applause]

And we're back.

Kristin, we both have such beautiful voices.

You know what would've been nice?

What?

If we'd had the time to sing something.

That would've been so nice, Miss Piggy.

Why didn't we prepare something?

Hit it!

♪ I could have danced all night ♪
♪ I could have danced all night ♪

So, Kermit, I got you a reservation at Katsuya for Denise's birthday tomorrow.

Uh-huh.

Am I supposed to pick up a gift, too?

Or have you decided you want to be part of your own relationship?

Oh, no. I'm not getting her anything.

She said she didn't want a gift.

Oh, is that what she said?

Yeah.

Hmm. Let me look that up in my lady translator.

What?

Boop-boop-boop-boop.

Ah, look at that.. She wants a gift.

She does?

Yep.

[Shudders] Well, w-what am I gonna do?

Her birthday's tomorrow, and I'm a terrible gift giver.

[Scoffs] It's true.

Last year for Christmas, he got me a stuffed gorilla that sings "Jungle Boogie" every time somebody moves.

Ooh! What'd you use... your CVS reward points?

I'm a frog. I buy a lot of moisturizer.

Mm. Well, whatever you get her, it better blow her away.

Because if she's unimpressed, the doubts will creep in, and your relationship will soon unravel, like this spool of thread.

[Whimpers]

[Thud]

Oh, no.

D-do you have any suggestions?

Oh, I don't present solutions... just dramatic problems. [Chuckles]

Oh, boy.

♪ I could have danced, danced, danced ♪
♪ All niiiiiiight ♪

[High-pitched] ♪ Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Door closes]

Oh. There she is. Come on, guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yo, uh, Chenoweth. Wait up!

Ohh!

Oh, you guys, that was so much fun.

I've always wanted to perform with you.

Oh, oh! Animal always want to perform with live snakes!

But Zoot big baby.

Well, it was terrific. Thank you.

Well, thank you for singing with us at Floyd's parents' anniversary party.

Well, you're welcome.

And also, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Zoot, she hasn't done that yet.

That's why we came over here... to see if she would!

The party's tomorrow.

Right. Right. Right. Right.

Whoa. Anybody hear an echo?

Ah, how long have they been married?

Oh, wow, like, how can you measure the intertwining of two souls?

In years?

Oh. Then 40.

Uh, come on, Chenoweth!

Sing at the party!

Yeah! Yeah!

My parents mean so much to me.

Without them, I don't even think I'd be here.

[Giggles] Okay.

I had so much fun with you guys, and I'm open tomorrow, so yeah, let's do it.

Well, thanks for nothing, Kristin Chenoweth.

Your selfishness just broke an old couple's heart.

She said "yes."

Withdrawn.

Pepe: Get her a snow-cone machine!

No.

Eh... peanut butter!

No.

S... scissors!

Rizzo: A nice wrench.

What about a tennis bracelet?

You know, but not just any tennis bracelet.

Yeah?

One with her initial on it.

Oh, see, that's good...

If you've been married for 30 years, you have two kids, and you're seeing another woman.

I've found the most romantic thing you can do to impress a woman is to break into her cloud...

What?

...and nose around in her purchase history.

Oh. Okay.

You have to stop spitting on me.

Chip, that would be a morally reprehensible thing to do.

Piggy's great with gifts. You can always ask her what to get your girlfriend.

Oh, that's a great idea!

Any other ideas?

Maybe something from color me mine?

You know, making something shows you care.

I once gave a hand-painted cake plate to a lovely lady, and the next morning, she made me breakfast.

Who was she... your mother?

Yes, and I like to remind her of that every time she lets Ken stay over.

Pepe: Whew!

Put on a robe, Ken.

Well, what about a scale? That would be thoughtful.

Girls are always asking if they look fat.

With a scale, they can know for sure.

Ooh! Here's a thoughtful gift.

Last month, Denise had bronchitis, and she never picked up her prescription.

Chip, just close the laptop.

But then I don't know what to do with my eyes.

Well, what about a bag of socks?

They're cheap, and if she hates them and throws them at you, it's not gonna hurt...

Like that scale did.

Don't listen to this thing.

Eh, what you do is you give her flowers you have grown yourself.

Uh, yeah, but her birthday is tomorrow.

Well, then start growing them for your next ex-girlfriend, because this one... she's a lost cause.

[Sighing] Oh, boy.

You made the right call coming to color me mine.

Mm.

Now, here. Put on your smock.

Oh. Okay. [Chuckles]

Why did I come here?

Well, I guess I realized Denise would love something I made for her.

You know, she's not like other people I used to date, who only wanted diamonds...

Uh, that you could see from outer space.

[Chuckles]

Oh! Hey, you know, Denise loves unicorns. I could paint her one of those.

Yeah, slow down, Picasso.

That's the advanced wall.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm gonna start you off with a...

1-4-7 for my friend here!

That's code for a salad plate.

Salad plate.

And I'm gonna go with the, uh, 8-7-9er!

Cheryl: Scooter!

Hey, Cheryl!

Lookin' good, girl! [Laughs]

Uh, she's just back from a tummy tuck.

Hm?

Looks like she's going with a cookie jar. We'll see if it holds.

So, uh, you've been coming here a while, huh?

Oh, yeah, a couple years ago, Mom and I were at home, sipping hot waters with lemon, like we does, Uh-huh. and it hit me...

I got to get out and party!

10 minutes later, I was here, glazing a dalmatian.

And I've been here ever since.

Well, t-that's cool. That's cool. So cool, it might be something you want to keep to yourself.

Thanks, Rach.

That's Rachel.

Hi, there, Rach.

Okay, so, uh, the idea is just to pick up a brush and, you know, just let it flow.

Okay.

You know, there's no rules here at all.

Okay. Well...

Oh, whoa, w... whoa!

Wait! Whoa, whoa.

What?

What? What? What? What? What?

You're gonna start with orange?

What's wrong with orange?

Nothing.

Uh, orange is great if you're painting a, um...

A, um...

A, um...

An orange.

But you know what? Just play with it.

Okay. All right.

Okay, just, uh, one little take-it-or-leave-it tip.

Yeah?

Easy strokes. Yeah.

You're dancing with the brush, not mopping up the floor of a bus station.

Okay, Scooter, what happened to "no rules"?

Look, I'm sorry. You're right. You're right.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Okay.

Follow your vision.

Yeah.

There are no wrong choices.

Right.

I'm just gonna throw this one in the whoopsie bin.

Wh... uh...

[Ceramic shatters]

Kermit: My plate?

Well, it's a picture of my first date with Denise. Ah...

I'm kind of proud of it, you know.

I think I really captured a moment when we opened our hearts and took a chance on love.

Oh, ah, plus, it can hold like a pound of spaghetti.

Mm-hmm.

So, you went to the zoo on your first date?

Uh, no. It's a coffee shop.

Oh, well, why is there a hippo?

That's a table!

Oh! It was a safari-themed coffee shop. Got it.

I guess that explains the giraffe.

That's Denise!

Why is her neck so long?

Scooter, necks are hard. I...

[Sighs] Whoopsie bin?

Yep.

[Sighs]

[Ceramic shatters]

Mnh!

[Knock on door]

Come in!

Oh, hi, Piggy. Uh, you got a second?

Uh, I need your help, and, uh, well, it's a little awkward.

Dr. Warren Goldfarb, Beverly Hills.

He'll tighten up that neck waddle for you.

What?

Your pointy jester collar ain't hiding anything.

No, no, no, no. It's not that. It's, um...

Oh gee, this is awkward.

Uh, I mean you're the last person...

Quit sputtering and muttering and stammering and boring me.

Just spit it out, frog.

Can you give us a minute, Deadly?

Kermit.

You seem to be under the false impression that I want to be in this room.

Huh?

You don't know me.

No one does.

[Shudders]

So, what can moi do for vous?

Well, actually, "vous" is in a bit of a pickle.

I need to buy someone a gift.

Oh! Well, you've come to the right place.

No one knows gifts better than me.

In fact, I've been told I have a gift for giving gifts... or what I like to call "a giving-gift gift."

[Giggles]

Okay, so you just made the word "gift" sound weird now.

Oh. So you don't believe me? Fine. I'll prove it.

I've got a thank-you letter right over here.

"Dear Piggy, thanks for the GoPro.

Nobody ever gets me anything fun."

Signed, Queen Elizabeth.

Wow!

So, who's your gift for? Your mother? Your aunt?

My girlfriend.

[Glass shatters]

Oh, how sweet.

Well, look, I know it's weird, but when we broke up, we said we were gonna stay friends, right?

Yes, of course. I remember that conversation.

Fun, fun, fun.

Okay s..., look, so what do you say, Piggy?

Truth is, I don't know who else to turn to.

Okay.

But you do realize if you want me to find the perfect gift, I'm going to have to ask some personal questions about her.

Uh...

Personal questions?

Well, if you think about it, all I really know about her is that she's not me.

[Sighs]

♪

[Zoot snoring]

Uh, question about my seat belt.

I think it's just a guitar strap, uh, connected to nothing.

Everything's connected to something, if you think about it.

Mm.

Okay.

I would just feel safer if mine were, you know, connected to the van in some way and not just air.

Hmm.

Kristin Chenoweth want Funyun?

Crunchy like chip, fun like onion!

I'm not really...

Funyun!

Oh, oh. Thank you. Yes.

Mmm!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

So, where's your dad's house?

Who's asking?

I am.

Yeah, that checks out.

Well, wouldn't exactly call my dad's place a house.

Mnh-mnh.

He dynamited a hole in the desert and drove an old school bus into it.

[Gasps]

He just sit in there all day, playing cards with a bunch of stuffed jackrabbits.

Yeah.

[Panting slowly]

[Coughs]

Om! Om!

Om nom nom!

So, 40th anniversary, huh?

How long have you two been together?

Oh, wow. "Together" implies we're not two independent spiritual beings.

I'm not anyone's lady.

I'm not even my own lady. I wouldn't do that to myself.

Uh, w-what the heck is this? Ah...

I-I-I shut down my tinder for you.

Mm, sorry. I didn't mean to bring up a tender topic.

[Chuckles nervously] You guys can be whatever you want to be.

For sure.

Yeah.

Except boyfriend and girlfriend.

Apparently, that's out the window with Miss Noncommittal over here.

Aw, don't try to tie her down, man.

She's not into being anyone's lady.

Wh... hey! How would you know?!

Well, she used to be my lady.

Wh... what?!

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Ah... you never told me about that!

Well, I'm not required to explainify my past romantical excursions.

This is my band.

Whoa, whoa! Your band?

Last I checked, this band belonged to the universe.

Oh, is that so? Well, maybe next payday, the universe can cut you a check.

What?!

You guys get paid?!

What? Who gets paid?

[Indistinct arguing]

Don't... don't make me come back there.

Funyuns!

[Arguing continues]

So, let's get to know Niecy.

Ugh. Well, for one thing, her name is Denise.

Well, I've given Niecy a nickname, and it seems to have stuck. So...

Okay. what's her idea of the perfect evening...

Wah!

With the love of her life...

Kermit the Frog.

Uhh... Okay. Well, uh, I think she'd like to start by ordering in some Chinese.

Likes to eat out of boxes.Go on.

Uh, well, then we'd probably download a movie.

Agoraphobic... okay.

What's your song?

Uh... Well, I-I don't really think we have a song.

Oh, you've got to have a song.

We nailed ours, remember?

♪ You are the sunshine of my life ♪

[Sighs]

♪ Whoa ♪

Yes, I know the song, Piggy.

♪ You are the apple of my eye ♪

Yes, I... Okay, all right, listen, listen.

Here's what you need to know about Denise.

Uh, she loves Georgia Bulldogs football and black-and-white photography.

Uh, she puts ketchup on everything, including tomatoes.

She's outdoorsy and generous and kind of disorganized.

A-and she eats cupcakes upside-down until there's just a handful of icing.

[Laughs] How adorable!

It's like you're dating my 6-year-old niece.

Oh! "Niecy"!

Oh, very funny. Very funny.

That's perfect!

Come on. Let's go shopping.

Okay.

Oh, there you are.

Both: Hm?!

You know, you've got that meeting with the network president in 10 minutes.

I-I can't. I have to go shopping.

Oh, okay. Fine. I'll go in your place.

I got a great idea for a show to pitch 'em.

A young rat moves to the city.

She's got big dreams and a tiny waist...

I'll go! I'll go!

But... but... but the gift. Of...

My lunch with Denise is in two hours.

How am I ever gonna...

Oh, stop it, Kermit.

I'll take care of it.

You said it yourself... we're friends.

Yeah.

You're making your squishy-face.

No squishy-face.

What?

Relax it.

Relax it.

Okay.

There. Now smile.

Ugh.

There's the frog I know.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[Exhales heavily]

Piggy, it's me again. Please pick up.

Where are you with the gift? Lunch is almost over, and the only thing I've got to give her is a punch card from Cinnabon.

And I'm still seven Cinnabons away from a free bon.

That's not a gift. That's a burden!

Please hurry. [Whimpers]

Mmm! Ohh! [Chuckles] I am stuffed.

M-me too. I got a little bit more, though.

[Gasps]

What are you doing?!

I didn't tell you to bring the cake.

Take that back and bring me... a-a sushi boat.

[Chuckles nervously] Still hungry.

[Chuckling] Kermit, I've got a 2:00.

Uh?!

Don't you worry about me, though.

You and your tapeworm just stay here and eat.

No, no, no, no, no. It, wait, wait. Uh, uh, bring back the cake!

I... [sighs]

Let me at least sing "Happy Birthday," okay?

[Chuckling] Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, just... just sit down.

Now... now... now, most people don't know this, but there's a 52-verse intro.

[Clears throat] First one.

Uh... ♪ A long time ago ♪

Um...

♪ Your mommy and your daddy ♪

[Both chuckle]

♪ Really loved each other ♪

Ooh! ♪ A lot ♪

[Singsong] Ah!

Hold that thought.

Um... okay. I'm holding.

[Breathing heavily]

What took you so long?

I ate so much sushi, they named a roll after me.

It was eel and cream cheese. It's awful!

Kermit, this is a custom gift. It takes time.

Hmm?

And after I picked it up, I stopped for lunch next door. I'm not a gift-buying robot.

You were next door...

[Scoffs] Just give it to me, okay?

Thanks.

[Piggy breathes deeply]

A jewelry box?

W-what's so special about a jewelry box?

Because a disorganized girl who likes football is too tough to buy one for herself, even though she needs it.

It's made of southern live oak, the state tree of Georgia, and inside is a charm bracelet with a little silver ketchup bottle.

[Gasps]

Wow, Piggy. You really came through for me.

[Chuckling] Well, of course I did.

That's what friends are for.

But not for footing the bill. Here's what you owe me.

Oh. Oh.

Top one's for the gift.

Bottom one's for lunch.

Lunch?

Y-y... caviar?

Uh, yeah!

What else are you supposed to dip your lobster in?

Huh!

You know what your problem is?

You think this whole world revolves around you, but it doesn't!

It revolves around the moon! Which is why we have winter!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm no astro-enterologist, but I can tell you this...

You can either get back in the van on your own vocation or I can drag you by your mustache.

Ohhhh!

Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh!

Calm down, everybody. This is just a simple communication problem.

I got his mustache!

Stop it!

[Indistinct shouting]

Stop it! Stop it!

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Oh, man!

Ohhh!

I think we can turn this into something more positive.

I mean, now that everything's out in the open, you can start fresh from a new, honest place.

Yeah.

Well, that could be highly thermo-peutical.

Eh-eh. Hold on, my brother.

If you think about it, we never had any problems till this one showed up.

Yeah.

[Engine idling]

So long, Kristin Chenoweth.

Tell your parents "Happy Anniversary"!

You can't just leave me here with nothing.

Funyun!

[Laughs]

So long!

[Laughs]

[Horn beeps]

Bye-bye!

Seriously?

Peace, Chenoweth!

Lips: All right! Let's get this show on the road.

Floyd: There's a lot of Tic Tacs and Funyuns on the floor back here.

Janice: Oh, for sure.

Animal: Van go faster!

Faster! Faster!

[Chuckles]

Oh, I love it! Oh, Kermit!

Oh, and this jewelry box even smells like home.

Oh, well, of course it does.

It's made of southern live oak, the state tree of Georgia.

I-I mean, if you like somebody, you know their state tree, right? [Chuckles]

Yours is magnolia.

It is?

Mm-hmm.

I-I didn't know that.

[Giggles]

Wait. What's this?

What?

It's a switch.

A switch?

Yeah. [Click]

["You are the Sunshine of my Life" plays]

Oh, my God!

I love this song!

♪ You are the sunshine of my life ♪

[Gasps] Ohh!

[Chuckles nervously]

♪ That's why I'll always be around ♪

Piggy: I'd do anything for Kermit.

I mean, after all, he is my friend.

But don't ask your ex to buy a gift for your girlfriend.

That is messed up!

I think he knows that now.

Hola, ladies. ¿como estas?

Hey!

Hey! What are you guys doing here?

Hey, well, you went on and on about the place, so we thought we'd just give it a look-see.

Check this out, Scooter. I'm painting with my tail!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! You're supposed to use the brushes they provide.

What?!

You're playing fast and loose with the color me code here.

Oh, Scooper, this place is fantastic, okay?

Colors, paints, desperate housewives with water bottles full of chardonnay.

[Laughs]

This isn't a pickup joint!

Oh, yeah? Tell that to Cheryl.

Yeah, she asked me for my e-mail address.

DonJuanPrawn@IamPepe.com.

Ooh!

[Laughs]

Even my e-mail address is filled with passions.

[Laughs]

Nice.

Okay, my happy place is now soiled.

Hmm?

I'm going home to be with mom, and I don't care if it's her private time with Ken.

[Sighs]

[Laughs]

Hey, Cheryl.

How'd you like to meet me at the whoopsie bin?

[Laughs]

[Laughs]