04x08 - Later Baby

[bunniefuu]

When your fiancee is across the country caring for his sick dad, it's important he knows that everything back home is smooth sailing.

[Leo cries]

Hey, Leo, sweetheart, you gotta chill, okay?

People are not liking the screaming.

It's not a good look.

[paper rips]

Damn it.

Okay, no one... no one reach for it or anything.

Just a single mom trying to... trying to pick up her fruit.

[phone vibrates]

Hey, what's up?

Everything sucks!

Leo's screaming and my first time buying fruit was a total disas...

Things are tough here.

Dad said he saw Jesus for a seconds last night.

How are you?

The last thing you want to be is another problem for him, so best to just pretend everything is smiley face emoji wearing sunglasses.

What can I say to you?

But Annette, I don't have anyone else who can watch Leo and I'm in the middle of a delivery right now.

No, I do not care if you have a very important sweatshirt decorating class.

[phone line clicks]

Hello? Hello?

Damn it.

Danny, you gotta talk to your mom. I can't do this by myse...

Hey, hon. The Doctor thought dad might be strong enought for physical therapy.

Oh, thank God.

But then he fell and soiled himself.

How are you?

[sighs]

Leo, I think your mom just made you a playpen.

Oh, God. Okay.

But, it's not easy running two businesses, raising a child alone, and doing Danny's share of the chores which, as it turns out, was all of the chores.

[phone vibrates]

Another turn for the worse.

I need a pep talk babe.

Okay.

You can do this.

I love you!

[phone vibrates]

Why isn't it wearing sunglasses?

Is everything ok?

Oh, come on.

[machine whirrs]

No, no, Leo, the drill is for Mommy.

Anyway, God, all that I'm asking is that you let me have this one bath with no interruptions.

And if you don't, I'm seriously switching religions to Kabbalah and then Madonna can be my god. Okay.

[knock on door]

Open up!

It's the masturbation police.

God?

Great news. I'm your houseguest for the week.

Take care of me.

Oh, my God. Oh no!

[Leo crying]

[hip-hop music]

Peter, now is not a good time for me.

I should have called first.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. It was a spur of the moment thing.

Yeah.

My wife took the kid out of town for the week, so I thought I'd head over here and party like it's 1999, which is also the year I briefly d*ed from alcohol poisoning.

I'm just super busy and I don't have time to take care of a houseguest.

As crazy Uncle Peter to your child, I demand that you come out with me and party.

I want to get drunk and climb the Statue of Liberty.

I want to get hammered and ride the Cyclone.

I want to sneak beers onto the... do I have a problem?

Eh.

I cannot talk about this right now, okay?

I'm very tired, it's very late, I'm going to go to bed.

No need. I put caffeine pills in your water, which is dangerous and scary.

Damn it, Peter.

[Leo cries]

Oh, God. Leo.

Okay, I don't want you to be scared, but I'm going to go to a meeting right now and it's very important so I want you to stay here and color for a bit.

Mindy, you don't have to babysit me like a child.

And do you know where the good crayons are 'cause I lost the ones the stewardess gave me.

Peter.

Hi, Jeremy.

I thought I smelled Hooters body spray.

High fives. Yeah!

Never quite figured that one out.

God, where to start.

You know, ever since my breakup, Jody has been setting me up with a ton of women.

Just empty, meaningless, acrobatic sex, Peter.

Hmm.

I've never felt more alone.

That can be tough.

Well, listen, we should have a gentlemen's catch up dinner.

I think we just gentlemanly caught up.

And besides, Mindy and I have some quality time booked, so she's really been looking forward to it.

[phone vibrates]

Mindy just texted the entire office saying, "Can someone take Peter off my hands?"

Tonight it is.

Okay, okay. Looking forward.

Melville, let's talk turkey.

Tell me how much money the practice has brought in this quarter, and I hope it's at least 3 million because we have committed quite a bit to Zach Braff's newest Kickstarter.

After expenses, this is how much your practice has netted.

Oh, my God. That's great.

How is that possible?

It's a negative number!

What?

You have more money going out than you have coming in.

It's as simple as that.

How did this happen?

Well, you spent most of your revenue on something called the "Later Baby Launch Party."

In retrospect, we shouldn't have rented out Governor's Island.

Nobody came, because someone wrote Riker's Island by accident on the invitation.

It was me.

If you don't get more patients in immediately, your practice will definitely go under.

If we wanted predictions on the future, we'd go to my psychic, Lady Mysterioso.

We pay you for accounting advice.

Actually, you haven't paid me in months, which is the other reason I'm here.

Did you see this negative number?

I just learned what that meant.

Can you just take your money out of this?

Morning.

Are we looking for something?

My energy drink. It's called Heart att*ck Fuel.

It's in a big red can.

There's a picture of a heart on it giving the finger.

I threw it out.

FDA banned that stuff after those teens danced themselves to death.

How dare you throw out my energy drink?

That's the only way I know how to wake up in the morning, Jody.

I spent half the night awake because my baby was crying and the other half awake because Peter was crying.

He decided to play Danny's piano with his penis and the lid shut right on it.

Are you all right?

I feel like since your fiancee left, you've really started dressing down.

Exsqueeze me?

I liked how you used to dress, all bright and colorful like the h*m* flag.

I do not need to take fashion advice from some guy who's wearing the same clothes as he did yesterday.

My slovenly appearance is the result of an erotic exploit, not the early warning signs of depression.

[chuckles] Depression? I don't think so, pal.

Would a depressed person have the energy to drink two bottles of wine a night?

Is there anything I can do to help?

There's a lot you could do, actually.

You could maybe convince my fiancee to come back from California and help take care of our kid, you get me some more patients for my fertility clinic, you can take out my episiotomy stitches, which it turns out are not the dissolvable kind.

Now, I need to go wake up.

Morgan? Come here. I need you to slap me in the face.

Dr. Reed, you know I'm not a dramatic person.

With respect, you started an office drama club but then didn't put on a play because there was too much behind-the-scenes drama.

[scoffs] Nonetheless...

I can't share an office with Colette.

She keeps pranking me.

It's not my fault Tamra doesn't have a sense of humor and she's like, "Ugh."

I just don't think leaving this on my chair is funny.

[laughs] It was so funny.

I like smart comedy that says something about society.

Or Tosh.

Anything exciting going on in this room?

Peter, you'll enjoy this.

I'm setting a little nurse dispute.

Okay, back at boarding school, whenever two boys had a spat, matron would make them hold a bean against the wall with their noses until they were friends again.

So, observe.

I got a better idea than holding all these beans.

Why don't you two come to dinner with Jeremy and I tonight and we can talk this all out?

That was meant to be a guy's dinner just for us to catch up.

Now ladies, bean your nose.

What do you guys say?

Whatevs.

I love food.

Somebody going to pick me up or just Uber there?

You're quiet because you're beaning your noses?

Ha, right there.

How much money did you spend on this again?

One grand.

Oh, God.

I know, but all of a sudden, circular motion, like the over-the-back stand kind of like...

Oh! Oh, God. Oh, God, Morgan.

Fear no more. You savior has arrived.

Is the Rapture here?

Thank God, 'cause this business is going under.

I've come up with a genius plan to save your practice, Mindy. As you requested.

When I said that, I was obviously being sarcastic, like whenever I complement a woman.

Morgan and I don't need your help.

Ooh, a Rumpelstiltskin promotion.

We get you pregnant for free, we keep the first baby.

We're not doing that. I hate it when you bring it up.

It's illegal.

I know I'm a doctor, but I'm also an entrepreneur.

I've invested in several businesses in Georgia, including a barbecue restaurant I co-own with Annie Potts.

She's just as nice as you might suspect.

Talk to me about the side dishes there.

Wait, what is your idea?

If you want to attract younger patients to Later, Baby, go to the source.

Start doing presentations in colleges.

Ooh. That's good.

I've taken the liberty of calling NYU.

I'll be taking a 50% stake in your business.

Thank you. We'd be ruined without you.

Abso-tute-ly not.

Morgan and I would never go into business with someone like you.

Someone like... I'm a decent fellow.

Earlier today I winked at a fat woman.

You're a creep, and I think your pocket square is a pair of women's panties, and you know what else?

Your crappy idea wasn't even that good, so why don't you hit the road, Jack?

Hit the road, Jack.

All right, suit yourself.

Just cut it out.

Go, go, go, go.

Get out of here, you loser.

That was an amazing idea.

Obviously that was an awesome idea and we're definitely going to do it.

We're just not going to tell Jody.

But that's stealing.

You can steal an idea, Morgan.

It's like stuff in the drugstore that can fit in your pocket.

It's up for grabs. Now, call NYU.

I'm sorry, how is that not stealing?

Just call NYU!

I'm no professional therapist, but I did help my frat brother Pube come out to his parents.

He's now known as Vag.

So why don't you tell me what's going on here?

Colette is constantly pranking me.

She dipped my braid in paint.

That's some Tom Sawyer-ish.

If you hated it so much, why didn't you wash it out?

To make it look like an intentional fashion choice.

Now the Style Section want to write a blurb about it and I don't have time for that.

Ow! I'm not as strong as I look.

All right. Ladies, ladies. Please.

Let me tell you guys a story about two people who didn't get along at first but grew to be the closest of friends.

Me and Jeremy.

This should be good. Let's hear it.

Well, when I first started working here, Jeremy and I hated each other.

Did we? News to me.

Came to be, he was the best man at my wedding.

I was your fourth choice, and I got only one dance with you the whole night.

Well, now we're all good.

What I'm trying to say...

[glass slams on table]

We're not that good.

Oh.

It is very challenging to prepare for this presentation when we have so little time.

Yeah, I know. Okay, and guess what?

Ow!

You gotta nail it.

You, madam, are a downright dirty thief.

Damn it! Where did you find that?

I just followed the stench of a rotten deed.

I deserve a piece of your business.

A piece of my business? I don't think so, pal.

He doesn't even have a piece and he does, like, half the work.

Yeah.

So...

We should talk about that.

I've been cleaning.

[phone rings]

I've been doing custodial stuff a lot on the side.

Hold on. I've got a call. Okay.

It's Annette. I've got to take this.

It's a family thing. You have to wait.

Hey, Annette. What's going on?

You're sick?

Why didn't you get the flu sh*t?

No, you can't get autism. You're too old. Okay.

Yes, I'll be over. I'll get Leo.

Everything okay?

I have to go pick up Leo from Annette's.

I don't know how I'm going to prepare for this presentation.

Okay, you're not going anywhere.

You're going to sit there on your butt and you're going to practice.

If you don't have time to prepare, you could let, say, your new partner give the presentation.

I don't know how to explain this to you but, like, you're not my partner, I'm going to be doing this presentation by myself, it's going to be as compelling as a TED Talk, and as funny as "Ted 2." Okay? Good-bye.

This isn't over! I will not be cheated!

This is Annie Potts all over again.

You complain about Mindy being a bad friend 'cause she won't drop everything the second you waltz into town.

What about what you did to me?

What'd he do? Say it's weird for an adult man to own a bird?

No, this has nothing to do with Roger.

Okay, I went to stay with Peter in Austin last month, and I had a terrible time.

Of course, 'cause the chain stores are sapping Austin's quirk. It's a real dilemma.

No, because you were a terrible host.

He insists I stay with him, then the second I arrive he dumps me at a motel.

That sucks nard.

Colette, you have no idea the nard it sucked.

Every activity I had planned that weekend, Peter ruined.

Like, we went to dinner and you just stared at your phone the whole time.

I was live-Tweeting how mad at me you were.

Then the Saturday night, I get tickets for us to see the Dixie Chicks, halfway through "Cowboy Take Me Away" you leave, knowing full well that that song has always reminded me of us.

Damn, that's cold.

At least wait until Natalie Maines starts talking politics and everyone gets up to go to the snack bar.

Wait till she starts talking politics.

Is that so hard? And here we are again.

You can't even have a dinner alone with me without inviting two buffers. No offense.

You, sir, should not be giving friendship advice, 'cause you're a horrible friend.

Oh, no, Jeremy, don't go.

No!

Do you guys want to get the souffle, 'cause if we want it, we have to... gotta act fast.

Ovulation is triggered with an injection of human chorionic gonadotropin.

[Leo cries]

Okay, I know, my speech is very boring, Leo, right?

It's just that the material is so dry.

Unlike you, who is very wet.

Okay.

Come on. We out of diapers?

[phone vibrates]

Oh, come on!

You know what, Leo? We all gave Precious's mom a hard time, but I get it now. This single mom stuff sucks.

Two hours later, your diaper's on, and you're finally ready to get back to work.

Oh, cool. I just wiped you with my presentation.

What's wrong with you, you butthole?

Yeah, you're a bad friend, and one time I didn't pick up cousin Sheena from the airport for two days.

I am not a bad friend. I just had other stuff going on.

You don't leave a delicate British man alone in Texas.

He carries a parasol in the sun.

Yeah, and it sucks to be alone in a strange city.

Last weekend I went out on a Central Park rowboat by myself.

People thought I was trying to dump a body.

You did?

I didn't dump a body, but...

I was by myself.

Well, maybe if you weren't always pranking me then you'd actually have a friend to do stuff with.

Well, maybe that's why I keep pranking you, so you can't ignore me.

Really?

That's hella counter-intuitive.

I know. I'm really sorry.

It's just, Southern people are complicated.

The two things we're known for are being friendly and sl*very.

Okay, don't say that.

Oh.

But, you know, Colette, I'd rather be a good friend than be a jerk like Dr. P.

I told you guys bringing you here would solve all your problems.

We hate you.

Shut up.

Hey, sleepy head.

What time is it?

It's about 11:00. I let you sleep in, took care of Leo.

You've been so busy lately.

Oh, my God! I'm missing my presentation!

Peter, why didn't you wake me up?

Because you've been so exhausted, I thought I'd let you rest.

Aren't I a good friend?

No, you are not a good friend. Watch Leo!

A lot of people been saying that lately.

And that's the best part about Later, Baby.

You give your future self options.

And your future self can use all the help she can get, am I right?

She'll be coming out of here with a pile of student debt...

[whispers] Hey!

A useless degree and French literature four years of regrettable Facebook photos.

[audience laughs]

How's it going?

He is k*lling it.

Jody's a totally captivating performer, and the audience isn't nervous for him when he's on stage like they are with you.

Yeah, he actually is pretty good.

Thank you for coming today.

Are there any questions I can answer?

I have a question.

Yes, miss.

Why did you have sex with me if you were also having sex with three others in my dorm?

[audience gasping]

Nope, I was right the first time. He's a bad guy.

He can bail himself out. Recover, recover.

He slept with me too.

[audience gasps]

Me, too. How could you do that?

Maddie and I are roommates. We share a Brita.

It's true, I have made love to a lot of you.

Distract them.

Please, if you'd hold on...

No, no, no. Nobody move.

Don't leave.

Prepare to be amazed and distracted as I, Morgan Fairchild Tookers do something I've never done: Nail a backflip.

That's who you've been having erotic exploits with?

These college girls?

Yes, but the silver lining is that by making love with Maddie and her dorm mates I got this great idea for your business.

It is not acceptable to have sex with 18-year-olds.

I agree, it was distasteful.

No, it was gross, you old perv.

The only reason you're even with these girls is that they're the only ones that can stand you for more than a night.

You're right, I am, as you say, an old perv.

Oh, God. Are you crying?

What is this weird move?

I made love with these girls because I'm in love with a woman that I can never have again.

Who?

Anne-Marie... the wife of my brother.

Why didn't you gasp?

Honestly, that seems on-brand for you.

I've been quietly in love with her for years, but a few months ago, I began to quietly do her.

That's why I had to leave Georgia with such haste, because my brother would never forgive me if he found out that I'd been defiling his wife.

Oh, and I do me defiling.

Oh, God. Gross, stop it.

I sleep with these co-eds to fill the void in my heart left by Anne-Marie, and because they're hot and it's fun.

What a weird story.

Why not just go after a woman your own age?

You know who's like your intellectual peer?

No, I'm tall and handsome.

I'm sure it won't come to that, but...

I am sorry that I messed up your chance to save your practice.

Well...

Your company is a joke!

Come on, Morgan, you can do it.

Come on already!

That...

Get... get into it, you know?

Hey, seriously?

Maybe I still can.

Ah! Ah! Ah! [applause]

That was... Did you see it?

Did you see it? I did a back flip.

No, I didn't see it. It was probably bad.

Just go... go, go, go. No, it probably sucked.

I didn't see it. It probably sucked.

Just get off the stage. Thank you.

Hey, everybody.

Um, my name is Dr. Mindy Lahiri and I just want to apologize for my colleague Jody's behavior.

[audience boos]

I know, I know, I know, he sucks. All right?

But let's be honest, guys.

Most men are complete garbage.

It's true!

[audience booing] We are!

Okay, listen, listen.

When I was your age, I thought that I was gonna be married by the time I was 25, but it took a lot longer than that, and unfortunately, your body does not care if you are dating the wrong guy or the guy you're with is also sleeping with the rest of your dorm.

Your body and your eggs just keep getting older which is why freezing them is actually a pretty smart idea, 'cause it gives you a little bit more time so that you can try to find that one diamond in the crap heap of American men, because even if you find the right guy, you're going to want a little extra time.

I mean, look at me.

I'm so busy I wear my pajamas everywhere, and I'm pretty convinced that I will take my episiotomy stitches with me to the grave.

It's because being adult is messy and hard.

It's not just all smiley face emojis wearing sunglasses.

Seriously?

Whoa, you like that?

[knock at door]

Were you expecting anyone, Roger?

♪ Cowboy, take me away ♪
♪ Fly this girl as high as you can into the... ♪

I can't do this. It's so embarrassing.

Peter. Come in.

Make it quick though. This is Roger time.

Look, I'm sorry that I was such a terrible host when you were in Austin.

I wasn't blowing you off. I was embarrassed.

Of what?

My chaps? My little red cowboy hat?

No, not those things specifically, but...

Thank you.

I was embarrassed about myself.

I mean, I used to be, like, a cool dude.

Now I'm just a whipped-ass dad.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Do you know why you couldn't stay with me in Austin?

It's 'cause my in-laws were in town, I had to sleep on the porch, and I got peed on by a coyote.

What about the phone at dinner?

What about the concert?

I was doing my fantasy football draft at dinner 'cause I can't mention sports in the house or I lose TV for a week.

Such are the depths of my whipped-ness.

You thought I would think less of you?

When I lived here, I was so much cooler than you, and now your nips deep in all this schnizz, and I'm like, "Where does that leave me?" You know?

Less cool than my least cool friend.

Friend?

Oh, my God, Peter.

Thank you for saying that.

You know what? I've been ignoring you on this trip.

And that ends now.

From this moment forward, I'm going to stay with you while I'm in New York City.

That's... great.

I mean, tonight might be tricky 'cause I kind of have a date coming.

A date, great. Tell her to come by.

I'll do nothing but listen.

Unrelated, where do you keep the lotion?

Bathroom.

The bathroom.

Well, the good news is you're not dying which is frankly quite a surprise.

Thanks for taking out my stitches.

You were right. I have not been taking care of myself.

Well, your vajazzlement could use some maintenance.

There's nothing but a thicket of rhinestones down there.

It was once cool, though. It said "Eat here."

Mm-hmm.

Hey, do you think that you can be my OB-GYN from now on?

Sure.

And, uh, I'm sorry about earlier.

I should have disclosed that my business idea was borne of ignominy.

I actually have a secret too.

Your trip to Europe last year was actually a brief stint in jail? They told me.

Since Danny's been gone, I've been pretending I'm fine, but you know what? I'm not.

I'm really struggling.

Listen, admitting you need help is no sign of failure.

No one can do it alone.

Mother had a fleet of help to raise us, and she still spiraled into insanity.

Thanks, Jody.

Wait, are you nice?

Shh.

Well, I do need your help.

I want you to be my partner, and we will split the profits 50-50.

No, no, 50-40, because Morgan deserves 10%.

Oh, God, oh God, thank you. Thank you!

Morgan, are you listening outside the door?

Always! I'm so happy I'm going to do a back flip.

[crashes, groans]

Oh.

Morgan?

I'm okay.

["Turn Into" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs]

♪ ♪

[phone vibrates]

♪ ♪

Hey, babe, how's it going?

♪ I know ♪
♪ What I know ♪

Not so great.

I know you're dealing with a lot with your dad, but I miss you and it's really hard.

I'm sorry, babe. I'm calling you now. You can tell me all about it.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

I'm so glad you called.

I wish I was there with you guys.

I miss you and things are a little overwhelming right now.

I miss you and Leo so much. Tell me what's going on.

Really?