02x08 - Never Say When

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd.

Hey, good morning, Lloyd.

Hey, I got to holler at you real quick, man.

I got some good news, Lloyd.

There you go again about the good news.

Then you start talking about loving God and redemption.

It's just not that good.

A new car's good news.

A yacht, mansion, servants, Darby.

Give me some of that free Darby.

No, no, no.

Look though, I got a message for you from Pops and it's this, man: love yourself.

Take care of yourself and treat yourself right, Lloyd.

Get healthy, man, and the world is yours, man.

You got a whole lot of good sh*t headed your way.

Too vague! Get out my face.

(glass shatters)

Oh, don't worry about it, Lloyd. I'll clean that up for you, man.

Go and get that sh*t Pops got for you!

♪ ♪

"Looking for the next Darby man. Auditions in Los Angeles. Free Darby." Ooh. Jose, come here, come here. Is this real?

Yeah, man.

Some big-sh*t advertising guys dropped those off.

They're looking all over the hood.

You know, you should try out.

Said they're looking for someone authentic.

Oh, also, they said they're giving away free Darby.

Really?

Free Darby.

Hey, Jesus.

Jesus!

Jesus.

Jesus!

What's up, Lloyd? What is it, man?

Jesus, all my life you never done sh*t for me.

But I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me. I'm going to this audition.

I want that part.

Okay, I see. So, uh, when I was trying to talk to you earlier about, uh, your-your greater potential, you know, it was too vague for you.

But it ain't as vague as it was now, huh?

I'll admit that timing's too much to be a coincidence.

Okay, if me and the old man get you this job. You got to promise to make some important changes in your life and promise to take better care of yourself, Lloyd.

Done.

I swear to the great God of heaven, and I swear in your name.

All I need is one prayer, that's all.

Come on in, Lloyd. Come on. Bring it on in.

Dear heavenly Father, we ask that you give Lloyd your blessings as he pursues his dreams to be a paid alcohol...

(glass shatters)

Be a paid alcoholic beverage spokesperson, Lord.

And let this be the first step of many towards a better life and a better lifestyle for Lloyd, Lord. Thank you.

And in my holy and magnificent name we pray, Lord. Amen.

Amen.

Mmm, that was good, huh? Want some bread?

That was good.

Yeah. Thank you. You know, Jesus, we've had our differences.

But I never will forget this.

Th-That's a big-ass piece of bread, Lloyd. I could feed a lot of people with that.

I'm sorry.

You know what, I love you, man. (chuckles)

All right.

God bless you. You gonna get your money.

Thank you, Jesus!

I love to see black folks get money.

Jesus Christ!

Hallelujah!

I'm here for the free Darby and the audition.

Okay. Right here.

Okay.

Okay. Right here.

And here we have.

Ll-Lloyd.

That's right.

Okay.

Hi, Lloyd. How are you?

Fine. Thank you.

Great. Thank you so much for coming down here.

What we're trying to do is put a face on the J. Darby brand that really embodies the people who drink J. Darby.

So we're thinking older, we're thinking mostly men, mostly African-Americans, mostly... divorced, mostly unemployed or underemployed, mostly...

What's the word I'm looking for? Not alcoholic... 'cause we don't encourage that... but... desperate.

I'm your man!

So, all I need you to do is just take this bottle Uh-huh. of J. Darby, look at the camera, and just say, "Darby."

I also need you to put this ascot on.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, that's good.

It's good.

Here you go.

Into the camera and "Darby."

Darby!

Damn, what do you guys think? Yeah.

Darby!

Darby!

(phone ringing)

Lloyd!

I know you hear the phone ringing!

Come answer the phone, man!

"Answer the phone, answer the phone."

Hello?

Speaking.

Really?

This is great news!

What? Oh, man, I'm so happy.

Yes, yes, yes. Just hold on.

"J... Darbyman... dot... com."

Yes, thank you so much. Yes.

I'm free. Call me anytime. Call me.

Yes. Thank you.

I got the job!

What job?

I'm the spokesman for Darby!

What?

I went to an audition and got the job.

They gonna pay you to do that?

Yes. And all the Darby I can drink. Ooh!

It's a miracle!

Jesus made it happen. That n*gga came through.

The real Jesus or the neighborhood con man Jesus?

There's only one Jesus, Vic. And for the first time ever, I asked for some sh*t and it actually happened.

Look, Lloyd, your con man didn't make nothin' happen, all right? That was just an amazing stroke of luck.

But you better be careful, man. You don't do this exactly right, they gonna rip your ass off.

All I care about is the free Darby.

Lloyd, this is real serious, man. We're talking serious money. Serious fame.

Those sleazy Hollywood types, they all the same.

What you need is some help.

Maybe I should go call Jesus.

You don't need Jesus. You need what they call representation.

And that's why I'm gonna step up, be your manager.

Whatever. I'm gonna get drunk and celebrate.

Yeah, go get drunk.

Drink the whole barrel. Get drunk.

Get drunk, Lloyd.

Drink till your lips turn pink.

Lloyd!

Hey, Vic! What's happening, dawg?

What's this n*gga doin' here?

Well, you must understand that I have accepted Jesus in my life.

I'm a follower and a humble servant.

Okay, that's cool. But like I said, what's this n*gga doin' here?

Well, I invited Jesus so he could give us divine support.

Aw, quit hatin', Vic.

Ain't nobody come to get in the way, dawg.

Me and Pops, we proud of the boy. He came up!

Lloyd, this n*gga's just tryin' to get your money, man, get in them pockets.

Man, don't nobody want this dude bread.

Pops gave him the bread.

Look here, man, in exchange for the fame and the fortune, Lloyd gonna get his life together, and everybody wins.

He doing it right now! Look, he winnin', he winnin'!

He wanna win!

Lloyd's gonna get his life together?

n*gga, that's the stupidest sh*t I ever heard.

Look, Lloyd, as your manager, I got to recommend...

Lloyd!

Tim! (laughs)

Good to see you, buddy.

Tim: I'm so glad we could make this happen.

Yes! Let me introduce you to... my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Awesome, man.

Yeah, my name is Vic, man.

You met me on the phone. I'm Lloyd's manager.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. How are you?

Lloyd, I thought you'd want to be one of the first to try a brand-new product, J. Darby Purple Label.

Ooh!

Nothing but the best.

Gonna retail for $9.99 a bottle.

Ooh-whoo!

$9.99!

Yeah.

You pay for the good stuff.

Yeah, still have some stuff we got to go through with these contracts, man.

'Cause we ain't sh**t' one frame of film till this sh*t is straight.

Delicious. Where do I sign?

Right here.

Lloyd, Lloyd...

And here's your check.

Lloyd!

Thank you kindly.

Thank you, buddy!

(chuckles)

Lloyd, what's wrong with you, man? What are you doing!

Break a leg, Lloyd!

(laughing)

Look at all that bread!

Yeah, you doing good, boy. Pops is proud.

Hey, Lloyd, you undermining my authority, man.

I'm out here fighting for you... we're supposed to be working together as a team.

It's me and you, and you got to get this dude up out of here!

Vic, whatever you're saying I'm sure is important to you, but... (belches, clears throat)

Here, I'll hold it.

You don't have...

L-Lloyd, listen, I have all these white folks in line.

Yeah, I know you all thought y'all was messin' with some okey-dokes, but I got some news for you. (chuckles)

Ain't not one frame of film getting sh*t until them contracts is straight.

Darby, please.

♪ ♪

Say when.

Lloyd: A Darby man never says when.

Darby!

And cut! Yes!

Yes, yes, awesome.

That one was really good. I think we got it.

(whispers): Great job, Lloyd!

Vic: No, I don't think we got it, okay?

I was taking down a few notes, right?

There's a few things we're gonna change. Everybody, just keep the cameras rolling.

We're gonna do the whole thing over again from the top.

Now, Lloyd, this time, okay, I want you to be looking directly in her eye.

And when the alcohol is pouring down on the shoes, you got to say, "Hey! You don't want to see this pouring on my shoes. I'm a Darby man."

We're doing it again.

Vic: Lloyd, back to your first position.

(sighs)

Vic, you're fired.

What?!

Sorry, but that's the way it's got to be.

We had a great friendship, but sometimes things just end abruptly.

But you have a good time, you have a good life.

Hey, Lloyd, listen, hold on, hold on, man.

Don't let them get inside your head, Lloyd.

They're trying to separate us... divide and conquer.

I hear you. But, uh... (belches)

Well.

Oh, it's like that.

Yeah, okay. All right, Lloyd.

You ain't gonna make it without me!

I'm the brains of this operation!

Vic: Take your ass back to the Valley of the Bums, where lunch is served cold daily.

Get out of here, man.

(chuckles): Come on, Vic... don't take it personal.

Yeah, well, you take this personal.

Get the (bleep) out of here.

Ah, just the person I want to see.

Wha... What's poppin', Lloyd? What's the beef?

Don't worry about Vic. I'm rich!

Hey, look, Lloyd, I'm glad you got paid and all that, man, but, you know, money ain't everything, man.

I mean, ain't none of this sh*t worth your friendship, brah.

Who cares about Vic? I just want to thank you for what you've done.

I've been hard on you.

But you really came through this time.

So you right, so you right. I appreciate it.

And I want to thank God and praise him, because without him this wouldn't have happened.

And I'm gonna tell all my new rich Jewish friends they missing out on you, buddy.

Hey, that's all good and all, but you made a promise with God, though, you remember that, right?

About getting your life together.

But I've done it. I started with Vic... he's too negative.

But look, man, I'm gonna need you to do more, like, I need you to eat right, man, and stop drinking as much, man, 'cause you drink way too much, Lloyd. Stop!

I got to go.

I got to go get my crib... and some new friends.

But I'll see you around, Jesus.

Jesus Christ! Ooh, I love you, man. (laughs)

I love you, too, Lloyd.

♪ ♪

Lloyd (on TV): Darby, please.

A Darby man never says when.

Darby!

(scoffs)

(scoffs)

♪ ♪

Visiting hours are just about up, con man.

I'm gone, Vic. I'm about to shake this spot.

I'm out of here, brah. I don't need to hear that today.

(chuckles): Yeah, yeah.

You and Lloyd, living high off the hog now, now that you done cut old Vic out the picture, huh?

Look, man, I ain't seen Lloyd in a minute.

And on top of that, man, I guess he too busy or something, he can't holla at his boy, but he made a promise with God, man, and God real serious about his promises, brah.

Well, guess what? He did it to me as well.

Asked me to be his manager.

I agreed.

Then the white people started talking to him.

Lost his mind.

Now he's all caught up in the fame.

Well, you know what, Vic? I think y'all friendship is way too important to let go over some Hollywood bullshit.

Yeah, well, that's what I thought, too.

But the problem's not me.

It's him.

Look, Vic, Lloyd throwing this function tonight at the Tate Hotel in Beverly Hills.

Some super exclusive sh*t.

All types of celebrities gonna be there. Look, I'm gonna go by myself, man.

I got a pocketful of weed; you got them fine, handmade Nairobi African three-pieces.

Why don't you put one on, man, let's crash this party tonight, Vic, me and you.

Give me some.

The (bleep) I look like hanging out with a n*gga wearing dirty women's nightclothes?

This was the sh*t in Bethlehem, brah.

♪ ♪

Hey, look, Vic!

Hoo-hoo-hoo! They doing it big tonight.

Man, they pulled out all the stops.

See? I know you're glad you're hanging out with me to...

We gonna have some fun, though.

Come on, Vic.

Oh, wow, man, they really set it up for the boy, didn't they?

Look at this!

Hey! What's happenin', Nick?

Jesus! What's up, man?

Hey, what's going on with you, bro? Hey, is this Lloyd's party?

Yeah. Y'all know Lloyd?

Yeah, that's my partner! Ha!

Lloyd, what's happenin', dawg!

Swaggy P, Jesus is okay, but this other n*gga is no friend of mine.

Come on, man, we just want to function with you and celebrate your success, man.

Is that right, Vic?

Come on, man.

Let us in. Promise, it's gonna be cool.

(smacking lips)

Hey, Swag, you need to get me some of them custom kicks.

You know, these sandals is kicking my ass, dawg.

That's right.

Old friends, gaze upon my new life as the face of Darby.

Look at all my fabulous new friends, and they all better and more interesting than y'all. Make you wish you had treated Lloyd... ♪ a little bit better. ♪

Hey, come on now, Lloyd. You know I always treated you with nothing but respect, brah.

Nonsense. How soon you forget.

How many times have you called me a stinkin', nasty, filthy, crusty, old, black (bleep)?

And it was appropriate, n*gga.

You always looked down on me.

Always trying to tell me what to do.

But the tables have turned.

Lloyd, look, man. I came out here to show support, as one of the homeboys. I don't need this sh*t, man.

As a matter of fact, you know what, (bleep) you, man. Get out of my way, man.

(chuckles) (bleep) you, man.

(bleep) your perm and (bleep) your crushed velvet jacket, man.

That sh*t used to be a couch!

Hey, Vic, man, chill out, man...

Get your hands off my garments, son.

I thought I knew you, man. Tripped out.

Think you're somebody else now, huh?

Johnny Mathis-looking (bleep).

Look, pardon him, man. Uh...

Tonight's your night, man. What's poppin', Lloyd?

Look at you, man. How does it feel to be the recipient of such great blessings, man? I mean, you on right now.

But I deserve it. Are you kidding?

It's about time since I got my fair share of fame and easy money.

Oh, yeah. That reminds me. About our agreement... you remember you made a deal with Pops about making some important changes in your life?

How's that going, man? What's up with that?

I made some changes.

I got some new clothes and some new friends.

Look, man. Pops is worried about your health, man.

What good is all that when you ain't around to enjoy it, Lloyd?

I'm doin' fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

No, you not doin' fine, Lloyd. Look at you, man.

Say, man, you made a deal with God, man.

You better stop that drinkin', man, or else you gonna (bleep) around and die, man.

Stop drinkin'? That's crazy.

I'm the Darby Man.

You are not the Darby Man, Lloyd.

That's somebody you play on TV. Look at you, man.

In reality, you're just an older man with some serious problems, Lloyd. I'm trying to help you, brah.

I'm not gonna stop drinkin'!

Pops wants you to stop drinkin', man, or he gonna take all this sh*t away with the quickness.

The bad women, everything.

Let me tell you. I don't need you or Pops anymore. Kiss... my... ass. If I want to get a little drink, I'm gonna get myself a little drink.

Ain't nothin' you can do about it.

Swaggy P, goin' out for some air. When I get back, I want this brotha out of here.

(grunting)

You want me out?

Wait, I'm the plug, man.

Swaggy, do as I told you.

No, Lloyd...

I haven't changed. Jesus changed. sh**t.

What he talkin' 'bout?

Hell with Jesus. I already got what I need.

Y'all, get out of my way there. Cutie pie!

(chuckling)

Guy's drunk.

(clamoring)

Hey, y'all can't take pictures of me.

I'm the (bleep) Darby Man.

Don't get mad at me 'cause I make a little money!

You can't take pictures of me. Get-get-get...

Aah! Oops, I peed my pants.

A Darby Man never says... (retching)

(gasping)

(groaning)

(laughter)

Man: So, earlier today, Lloyd Hamilton was dismissed from J. Darby as national spokesman for public drunkenness - (laughing) and urinating in public.

Man 2: You know, Jim, I heard he pissed on himself.

Jim: He did. And then he vomited all over his shoes. - (laughing)

Man 2: Not a good look. Not a good look at all.

(laughing)

Hey, Vic.

I see you over there lookin' BHL, blessed and highly favored.

What's so funny?

(laughing loudly)

Hey, Vic!

(laughs) Yeah.

Hey!

What's up, Lloyd?

If it ain't the Darby Man.

Heard about you on TMZ, n*gga.

Jesus, you should've told me the paparazzi was out there waiting to ambush me!

You know, you two n*gg*s deserve each other.

'Cause you're both frauds.

Lloyd: Oh, Vic, come on.

I let fame go to my head, and I forgot about the important things in life, like... our friendship and hating Jesus.

Don't you forgive me, Vic? Don't you forgive me?

No, I don't.

Come on, Vic. Keep it one fow-wow.

You wasn't a little bit envious of this dude?

Envious? Heh. Of a n*gga that smell like week-old piss?

Come on, brah.

So you weren't coveting this dude's new money and fame, not even a little bit, hatin' on his get-down? And you know you was out of line for forcing yourself as a manager on this dude, knowing you ain't got no experience.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm not apologizing for that.

I was trying to help.

Oh, were you really? Or were you just trying to lock him down 'cause you didn't want to lose his friendship, Victor?

Oh, is that true, Vic?

You was tryin' to lock down so you could keep me as your friend?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I missed the smelly-ass n*gga on my couch.

Let me make it up, Vic. See, they had to pay me out of my contract. See?

So I could be known as a rent-paying roommate.

You're paying rent?

Come on in, Lloyd. Come on in. Get your... Get all your stuff.

Get all your bags. Get everything. Let me help you with your stuff. Let me help you with this right here.

I got... I got this. Oh, yeah, I got this, too.

Let me get your back here. Man, you get back, n*gga.

Lloyd: Once again, faith and love in you ain't sh*t.

Vic: That's right, Lloyd.

He's a con man.

Con man!

Yeah. See, now you can hang out with your real friends.

Jesus: It's all good though, 'cause I love the love.

Con man!

Hey, Lloyd!

You forgot your sh*t, dawg!

Thank you, Jesus!

You welcome!