05x11 - The Graduates

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Awkward"...

Anyone caught getting saucy on the sauce will be banned from walking at graduation.

Miss Saxton, you're not walking at graduation.

But I'm valedictorian!

Matty, wait. I love you.

I always have.

After three torturous years of ups and downs and just a week before graduation Matty and I were together again, and it was bliss, pure bliss.

I got an A-minus on my AP English final, then Matty and I had sex.

We emptied out our lockers, and then we had sex.

We walked in the moonlight.

We saw the North Star, and then we had sex.

Time flew by, and suddenly there was only one day of school left... graduation day.

Sleeping with Matty... and I mean just sleeping, snuggling, and spooning...

I felt safe and secure and happy.

In some ways it was even better than sex.

I want to wake up like this every morning for the rest of my life.

I wish we had more time before college.

At least we have all summer.

Actually...

Our high school graduate!

So proud of you!

Come on out, Matty. We can see you.

Oh.

Well, whoo.

Good morning to you, too.

Oh, relax, Jenna.

We know you're sexually active.

We were just sleeping, Mom.

Anyway, we're cool with you having sex in our house because you're both practically adults.

Yeah, I'm only semi-cool.

Well, Matty wasn't semi anything.

Mom!

Jesus, Lacey.

Uh, good morning.

Jeez, Mom, would you cool it with the pictures?

Jenna, this is your one and only graduation.

I want to remember it forever. Now, cheese.

Today is going to be epic.

I know.

We're free, and we're adults, and we're together.

Take a series, and make sure the glow filter's on.

About a thousand pictures later, we finally got out the door to the senior breakfast.

Everyone was giddy and excited, most of all me.

After being a non-entity sophomore year, then flailing through junior year, in my senior year I'd gotten my [bleep] together, gotten into college, and got with Matty.

Life was good, and graduation was going to be great.

This is going to be a suck-uation if the class gift doesn't get here stat.

Relax, T, it'll get here.

Relax?

This is my entire high school legacy engraved onto one piece of granite, and, I mean, let's be real.

I did all the work picking it out.

You guys had a bake sale, and you know what?

I'm just gonna say it now.

Those lemon squares were subpar... too much acid.

Your stupid bench presentation is the warm-up for my valedictory address, so keep it snappy.

I'm about to tell all the lowlifes that infest this wretched school exactly what I think of them and that's gonna take some time.

Sadie, what are you doing here?

Um, graduating.

What are you doing in a bathrobe?

Miss Saxton, this breakfast is for seniors participating in the graduation ceremony.

Since you were caught with a flask of alcohol at prom, you cannot walk with your class.

We already discussed this at length.

Come on, you weren't serious.

Anyway, my name's already in the program, so...

Oh, I am dead serious. Go home.

This day needs to be perfect, and I will not let you not tarnish it.

Okay, your obsession with our graduation is kind of pathetic.

If you want this day to be perfect, it needs its valedictorian and her speech, so I'll stay.

You're welcome.

I am not welcome, thank you very much.

You can leave right now with your last shred of dignity, or you can be dragged out like a crazy woman by the security I got just for today.

You want it to end like this, Valerie?

Fine!

All your sad power trip shows is that you're a pathetic loser who sucks at her job!

So good-bye, all you losers, slunts, and dunces!

Not nice knowing you!

Enjoy your lame graduation and your tragic tumble into the sad abyss of mediocrity!

[screams]

[screams]

If we get the drone high enough, the whole busted graduation mess will look like a hazy, happy blur.

Yeah, the cloying cluster of basic b*tches will be abstracted into a benign cloud of nothingness.

Get that [bleep] thing away from me, you pencil-[bleep] pillheads!

Oh, Sadie, it likes you.

Say hi.

Is that nose hair?

I will crush you and your little air turd if you ever come near me again, which you won't because this is the last time I ever step foot on this wretched campus.

Uh! Aah!

I can't believe this.

But, you know, Val's being so harsh.

I'm actually on Sadie's side.

Yeah, you should be. This is really unfair.

I know sometimes Sadie can seem like a super meanie lady dog, but it's just her way of being nice.

It didn't sound like her speech was going to be super nice.

[phone chiming]

It's here.

Thank G! The bench is here.

Come on, Jake. Come on.

Amaze-nugs.

This bench will be on the PHHS campus forever, and generations of students will sit on it and think about us.

WTF?

F, F, F, F! "The ass of 2015?"

Why would you do this?

Weren't you going for a prank? I just went by your email.

Here is my email.

"Thank you for your font samples. We would like bench number three, granite, Grecian. We would like our bench inscribed: 'Rest your weary bones here and reflect on the...' OMG, 'Ass of 2015.'"

There it is in black and white.

WTF?

HTF did this happen?

The perfect storm of abbrevs, autocorrect, and manic multitasking.

It was my flask.

I have to tell Miss Marks.

Sadie shouldn't take the fall for me.

Matty, don't.

Val is on a tear.

Let me explain it to her.

Why? It was my bad, I'll...

Val loves me.

She's bound to be more lenient on an alcohol infraction if she knows it was, you know, my boyfriend.

You don't have to.

I want to.

You were the best part of high school for me.

We have to graduate together.

Don't worry, I got this.

Oh, Biggie, you can't see me like this.

Um, actually, it's Jenna.

Oh, J-Town, come on in.

Timelessly elegant or trendily trashy?

I don't want to look dated in the pictures ten years from now.

I don't think anyone's gonna be looking at your nails.

Okay, give me some space. You're crowding me.

So Val, my girl, you must know that everyone's really upset about Sadie not walking.

Not everyone, Jenna.

I'll give you a hint, she's got two thumbs, three cats, and is delighted that Sadie isn't going to be there to ruin her perfect day.

Any idea who I'm talking about?

You?

I'm actually talking about me.

But the flask wasn't even Sadie's.

She was just holding it for someone else and was unlucky enough to get caught with it.

Yeah, right. If it wasn't Sadie's flask, then whose flask was it?

The flask was Matty's.

He feels terrible and wanted to tell to you himself, but I wanted to tell you first because you and I are friends.

We are, which is why I wish you would have said any other name.

I'm sorry, but he can't walk at graduation either.

Matty, I am such an idiot.

I'm so sorry.

What happened?

She still won't let Sadie walk, and now you can't either.

I feel terrible. I'm so sorry.

No, it's not that big a deal.

I'll just... I'll see you after.

Matty, if you can't walk, then I don't want to walk either.

No, Jenna, I want you to walk.

I don't want to do it without you.

If you miss graduation, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

It was my flask, so whatever, it's fair.

We'll hang out after no matter what.

Listen, I've got to go intercept my parents.

[laughter]

Sadie would hate this.

I wish she was here.

It sucks, but we all have to dig deep and show some school spirit.

That's hard to do when the person I care about most can't even be here.

[students exclaim]

What the what?

No, not today!

I specifically made sure that Theo and Cole had nothing to do with this slide show.

I am going to shut this down.

I'd been dreaming of the perfect graduation, but why?

High school hadn't been perfect, so why should graduation be?

Stop.

This was what high school was really like, the good and the bad.

Don't be afraid of the truth, people!

Is this really how you want to remember this place, with pictures of people getting b*at up?

The slide show, the class gift... is nothing sacred?

What's not sacred?

This is our legacy now.

We're the ass of 2015.

[giggles]

But asses aren't really bad, Tamara.

I mean, we all need them to, you know, poop and stuff, and you can't sit without one, so it makes perfect sense for a bench.

It's like a cute little pun or something.

See, silver lining.

She's oddly wise.

It's unsettling.

But she's absolutely right.

Maybe graduation wasn't about being perfect. Maybe it was just about being together.

[students laugh]

Everybody, listen up.

We all know that Sadie Saxton and Matty McKibben have been kicked out of graduation for drinking at prom, but who the hell wasn't drinking at prom?

The right thing to do is to stand together and demand they be let back in.

Matty's cool, but Sadie?

She's such a bitch.

Um, did you see that slide show?

We've all messed up sometime, and we've been through so much together, the good, the bad, friends, enemies, together, and we should graduate together.

If Sadie doesn't walk, none of us should walk.

Sadie's rude.

She told me that I reeked and needed to use deodorant.

She was right about that.

Well, I did get laid after I started using it, one whole time, and another two times I came pretty close.

She said my boyfriend was a lying douche who would cheat on me.

Both: Nailed it.

Her harsh truth may hurt sometimes, but it is our harsh truth.

If we stand together, they can't keep us all from graduating.

If anyone who was drinking at prom is not allowed to walk, well, then I have to admit I drank, and I should not walk.

I drank.

I really want to walk so bad, but I drank.

I was totally drinking.

I might be drunk right now.

I hope I'm drunk because this is sick.

Both: I drank.

I butt chugged.

All: I drank!

[cheers and applause]

[clears throat] We have conferred and in the spirit of fairness have decided to let Matty McKibben walk.

Yes.

[cheers and applause]

However, due to her volatile nature, proclivity for hate speech, and pancake abuse, we cannot grant Sadie Saxton a reprieve.

Hey, I got your text.

That's awesome.

I know.

The whole class stood up against Val and Principal Cox, so they had to let you walk.

That's great. What about Sadie?

It wasn't just the alcohol.

She went on a rampage and insulted Val.

Jenna, I'm not walking without Sadie.

But, Matty, your conscience is clear.

Val knows it was your flask.

Sadie's been such a big part of my life, of all of our lives.

Yeah, and a big part of making mine miserable.

Matty, I thought you would be proud of me.

I mean, I rallied the entire class.

Does that mean you have to choose her over me, over us?

Jenna, without her there would be no us.

What do you mean?

You have any guess who might have told me that... not just told me, pushed me to go after you at prom?

But she hates me.

And she would k*ll me if she knew I told you.

Like her or hate her, Sadie's been a great friend to me, and she's always had my back, and I don't want to walk without her.

Okay, seniors, this is not a drill.

This is the real deal, so I'm asking you to behave with the dignity and respect that this sacred rite deserves.

All right, people, chop, chop!

Wait, where did Jenna go?

Where is Matty?

I know where Sadie is, not here.

This graduation sucks ass.

The ass bench was a real omen.

Little bitch is here for your moody brat convention.

Ugh, Hamiltroll, really?

I told Matty to walk.

He won't listen to me. Now, get the [bleep] out of my room.

Actually, Sadie, I'm here because I want you at graduation, so snap out of it and stop being such a p*ssy.

I can't go.

Val banished me, remember?

I don't really care, anyway.

Bull[bleep], you care a lot, and you know what? I do too.

High school has been a huge part of making me who I am, and in a perverse way so have you.

You know what's perverse?

You thinking I give a [bleep] who you are.

Sadie, I know you told Matty he should come find me at prom.

Yeah, well, even if it means indulging his sick fetish for tragic little slunts, I want him to be happy.

I am ignoring that insult and thanking you.

Thank you for forcing me to stick up for myself every day for the last four years.

You made me stronger.

You've been a part of my life, and you're a part of our class, which is why I want you there to celebrate, and after today you'll never have to see me again.

This is the start of real life, and I would have expected the person who was so relentless about torturing me for four years to try a little harder to make her voice heard.

Jesus, are you done?

Now get the [bleep] out of my room!

[door closes]

["Pomp and Circumstance" plays]

I'd tried everything I could think of to get Matty to walk and to get Sadie to put up a fight, and I'd failed.

Walking without them sucked, but I still had to do it.

High school was over once and for all.

Here's senior class president Tamara Kaplan to present the class gift.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

To make sure this school never forgets the Class of 2015, we're giving this lovely bench to be placed on the campus quad forevs and evs.

It reads, "Rest your weary bones here and reflect on the ass of 2015 ""

Yes, people, that's right, "ass."

Learning and growing happen by making mistakes and by, yes, falling on your you-know-what.

[laughter and applause]

Sometimes those mistakes can lead to the most wonderful things of all.

Are you with me, ass of '15?

Because together, we make this ass whole.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

Hey, wow, that was deep, Tamara. Okay, let's...

Sadie said I wasn't going to want to miss this, so...

Miss what?

Hello, this is Sadie Saxton, your rightful valedictorian and graduation speaker, coming to you from an undisclosed location.

Oh, right there.

This ceremony is a travesty, but the biggest travesty of all would be not getting to hear my speech, so here it comes.

We've all spent four years at this school, years some say will be the most formative of our lives.

Every disappointment could seem like the end of the world, and conversely, every victory felt like an ascension.

I even learned some stuff, like the fact that you can get a really good idea from someone that you thought was just a moronic, pathetic loser.

But guess what?

We're going to be all over the country next year at different colleges, and this high school nonsense will just be a distant memory, forgotten.

[cheers and applause]

Let's go.

Literally, I am forgetting about it right now.

I don't want to clutter my brain with this crap because none of this matters.

[cheers and applause]

I lost cheer captain this year and was devastated for, like, a minute, and then I realized no one in college will know or care, and if they ask, guess what?

I can just say I was cheer captain.

Anyone can say whatever the hell they want to say about high school.

We can all be the tellers of our own stories.

[cheers and applause]

This is good news for those of you who aspire to something other than robotic, bougie, suburban mediocrity, and for those of you sad losers who actually peaked in high school, well, you have about ten minutes left, so soak it up, b*tches!

[cheers and applause]

Know this: life isn't fair.

It's not a meritocracy, so do not rely on fairness or luck or charity.

You have to rely on yourself.

[cheers and applause]

Be the hero of your own g*dd*mn story, because if you're not, you will end up locked out of your own graduation and locked into a sad, pathetic, little life.

[cheers and applause]

Got it?

It's up to you to write your own story!

[all chanting "Sadie! Sadie!"]

You're welcome!

[all chanting "Sadie! Sadie!"]

You know what really doesn't matter, Sadie?

You, 'cause this was just the warm-up to the main event, so fine, get your stupid diploma and sit down.

Just don't ruin my big day, okay?

Okay.

Go.

♪ You ready? One, two, three ♪

Theo Abbott.

[cheers and applause]

Kyle Cohen.

[cheers and applause]

Jenna Hamilton.

[cheers and applause]

Cole Higgins.

[cheers and applause]

Didn't think it would happen.

Oh, that's... no.

Okay. Tamara Kaplan.

[cheers and applause]

Matty McKibben.

[cheers and applause]

Lissa Miller.

Here you go.

Jake Rosati.

[cheers and applause]

[whistles and catcalls]

Sadie Saxton.

[cheers and applause]

Congratulations to the Palos Hills Class of 2015!

[cheers and applause]

I can't believe it's over.

Look, you know, just because we aren't in school together every day, it doesn't mean it's the end of us.

I know, but at least we have all summer, right?

Jenna, I need to tell you something.

This was it. High school was over.

This isn't over!

Nobody move!

Everyone, sit down!

That was just the warm up.

The real ceremony is about to begin.

Look, I didn't want to say anything before, but...

But what?

I now pronounce this graduation...

[audience reacts in surprise] a wed-uation.

[whistles and catcalls]

My soccer training starts the day after tomorrow, so I have to head up to Berkeley right after grad night.

Oh, my God.

You mean we only have one more day left?

I am so, so sorry, Jenna.

[classical music plays]