02x03 - Season 2, Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Aw, look, she's asleep.

Yeah.

Look at her.

Look... look at her!

[Sharon chuckles]

[Music box plays: Frère Jacques]

Can I have a cuddle now?

Sure.

Can I have a mouth cuddle?

Mm-hmm.

[Sharon laughs]

What's funny?

No, it's...

To the lullaby music, it's...

Sorry... [She laughs]

Do you want me to put on some MotÃ♪rhead?

I mean, tell... tell me what you want me to put on, cos...

I'd like to have sex with you.

Me, too. I just...

Can we do it in the morning?

[Rob sighs]

What's the matter?

Nothing.

No, you know what?

Sexual rain checks are abusive.

What?!

What?! I just got a f*cking baby to sleep.

It's just not healthy the way that you are with her now.

You know what you remind me of, the way that you hold her, the way that you gaze at her?

Gollum... from Lord Of The Rings? Andy... Smeagol, the weird CGI man thing?

Yeah, I know, who Gollum is.

Good, because that's what I see when I look at you now.

Because?

Because of the way you're all hunched over her like, "Don't touch my precious. Stay away from my precious."

Well, you know... erm... first off, I thought you were comparing me to Gollum because of my sunken eyes, so now I don't even care, and secondly, look at you.

You're shouting at your family with a massive boner.

Are you proud of yourself?

I'm not shouting.

Why are you still hard?

[Baby cries]

Fran's seeing someone.

I'm...95% sure.

Why are you so sure?

She told me.

But I figured there's a 5% chance she's lying just to piss me off.

Right. What are you going to do?

I'm going to wait until Jeffrey's 18, then I'm going to divorce her.

Let Fran f*ck her new lover boy and I can f*ck whoever I want to f*ck... or hug... for Christ's sake.

I'd settle for a hug. I would...

I'll hug you.

Come on, then.

I'm serious, you know, you only get one sh*t at life and then you end up in a ditch or an urn.

I don't want to have any regrets.

Sometimes...

And I've had this feeling for a number of years and never acted on it, but sometimes I find myself thinking that I'd like to have sexual intercourse with women who have penises.

Right...

Where she plays with my penis and I play with hers, sexually, in a bed.

Ok.

"Ok" ok?

Yeah, OK.

You're separated from your wife, you're 95% sure she's f*cking somebody else.

If you want to do a consensual thing with another adult that makes you happy or jizz then you should do it.

It's not a gay thing. I don't think it's a gay thing.

Who cares?

I do.

OK, then... it's not a gay thing.

Want to share a burrata?

Yeah.

Look at her. She's gorgeous.

Aw... babies get so much attention!

[Sharon laughs]

It's nice, isn't it? For the mums.

It's funny but with all Jeffrey's film, TV work, that's never really stopped for us.

Right...

Where is Jeffrey?

He's erm...

He's having some acupuncture done in his trailer.

Bradley Cooper won't make eye contact with anyone so he was getting a little bit anxious.

Hello, there, Mi...

Mu...

How do you say her name again?

Muireann.

It's all character-building stuff, isn't it, a tricky name?

I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm not.

How's Rob?

How's Rob?

He's er... selfish, horny, good with the kids.

That must be nice, having a horny husband.

For the last year, every night I went to bed, Chris pretended to be asleep.

Snores, sleepy little fidgets, the odd fart.

It bothered me at first but then something inside me d*ed and I just stopped caring.

I mean, I'm not saying that you should have sex with Rob against your will but if you care about your marriage, you definitely should.

I've taken a lover.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

So, that's... I mean, what are you going to...?

Well, when Jeffrey goes to university, we're getting a divorce.

[Fran laughs]

Five years.

Just five more years.

Hello, nice lady.

We need to have sex but, like, good sex.

OK.

I've been thinking about it and the fact is we're gonna have a relationship with each other until we die because of the kids and it can be good or it could be sh*t but that's up to us.

I'm so glad you said that.

I saw a couple groping each other on the Tube this morning and I got so sad.

I know! I watched that episode of Game Of Thrones again where Jaime fucks Cersei beside Joffrey's dead body and even that made me sad. They were so passionate and they'd been together years.

Oh... it's... it's not getting hard.

I don't know.

I mean, I haven't jerked off in like three days.

What'd you jerk off to three days ago?

A butt... a butt that I saw.

[Sharon grunts]

[She groans]

Are we sexually incompatible now?

No, we're just stressed... and tired.

OK...

Because I still fancy you.

I very fancy you.

Oh, hey, look.

Something's happening down there.

It's not.

I mean, I can't sit on that.

[They laugh]

Well, listen, let's... let's go away for the weekend.

Let's go to Paris or somewhere.

I'll get us a nice hotel.

We can eat steak tartare in bed and I can go down on you from behind in a big hotel shower like we used to do.

Or, if we are too tired because we're old, we can just hold hands and look out the window at the Eiffel Tower.

[Sharon laughs]

Does that sound nice?

Quite nice, yeah.

[They laugh]

[Baby cries]

Ugh... what about them?

They're not invited.

[Baby cries]

Oh, sh*t, is that this weekend?

Yes.

I'm just messing.

How much would that suck?

Why are you always at home?

Don't you work?

All I need to work is a laptop, a phone and this.

What, a sh*t hairdo?

I only want the boy.

Too bad.

You're going to Paris?

Yeah!

Oh, that'll be nice for you.

A bit of culture for the Yank.

Actually, I did my junior year at college there.

Really?

_

Jesus...

Ah, f*ck off!

This isn't the end of this.

Thanks for looking after the kids.

We owe you one.

Not at all. My pleasure.

Actually... I wanted to talk to you about something.

I need... erm... a short-term loan.

I'll have it back to you in four weeks, five at the most. Really, it's a business opportunity, really.

OK, uh... How much are we...?

Just 10 grand. 15 if you want.

Yeah, I think I want to help but I'll have to talk to Sharon.

You can't tell Sharon. She'll only worry about me.

And it would literally be, you know, five weeks, six tops!

[Child laughs]

So, keep my kids alive.

It'll reflect very badly on you if anything happens to them, plus I'll k*ll you. Also, thank you.

Bye-bye, bye. Bye.

Bye, Mummy.

Bye, Muireann. Bye-bye, bye.

I love you. Bye. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Sharon laughs]

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Yeah, I am.

This joke cost me ã12.

I'm glad it worked.

[Something falls over]

Sorry...

I already know I'm going to be more attracted to you in France.

I'm going to order a tiny bottle of champagne.

I'm going to order three baguettes.

Aw!

I'm going to go grab my beret.

[Sharon laughs] Sure.

[Sharon laughs]

[Voice from tannoy speaks French]

Do you like it?

I love it.

I had it completely refurbished for you.

Thank you.

Is this the hotel Johnny Depp stays in?

You know it is.

Why do you keep asking me that?

Because it's fun.

Let's go straight up to the room. I need to freshen up.

I don't want Johnny to see me like this.

I think I'm going to have to pump before we go.

I seen that French baby downstairs, my tits just immediately ballooned with milk.

Have you seen the pump?

No, where'd you pack it?

If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking you, would I?

Oh, f*ck...!

I forgot the pump.

[She sighs]

Oh, sh*t.

Did the handjob not work?

No, it did but the left one's already full again.

Well, do you want me to...?

You know...

What?

...suck the milk?

I'll suck the milk out. I don't mind doing it.

I mind!

I didn't come to Paris to nurse my giant husband.

Well, it looks like we've got our signals crossed because I specifically...

[Sharon laughs]

What?

At least I won't sh*t myself while I do it.

Muireann does that because she's relaxed!

She's like, "Oh, this is so..."

[Fart noise]

Yeah, I'm relaxed too but I know how to keep my assh*le closed when I'm sucking a tittie.

[Sharon laughs]

PHARMACY.

Can you ask in your French?

Oh, Christ.

Did you not take French in school?

No. I did German.

Really?

Say something to me in German.

Ugh...

No.

Huh...

Hello.

Hello. Uh...

No. Uh... uh...

Ah... no, no...

Hard...

One moment, sir. Excuse me.

Has she got any?

I don't know. She's... she's asking her friend.

She doesn't seem to understand my question.

I'm going to get mastitis. Oh, my God.

I...I'm going to have to get antibiotics from a French hospital.

What? What'd she say?

[He speaks broken French]

Tell her my tits are rock solid.

Which draws milk from my wife...

You know what's going to come out next time I breast-feed?

Not milk, blood... [Slow German accent] ...and pus.

I know what "chienne" and "psychopathe" mean.

Well, yeah, I was talking to her.

I was telling this... f*cking psychopath that if she doesn't help me get the milk out of my wife then I don't know what I'm going to do.

Oh, OK.

So...

Right...

I'm just going to... OK?

Order me the Frenchiest thing on the menu.

OK. So, like a cigarette stabbed through a baguette?

[Sharon laughs]

[Phone rings]

Thank you.

Hey, man. What's up?

Are you in Paris?

Yep.

Is it still a sh*thole?

No, it's, uh...

Listen, I just wanted to say I'm paranoid about what we talked about the other day... and it's between you and me.

You can't tell Sharon. Good. I'm...

Absolutely, I wouldn't...

[Clears his throat]

...just about to head into the cinema so I've got to go.

All right, man. Well, I'll talk...

God...

It needs bloody batteries.

Let's just eat and we'll just get some on the way... [Pained] ...home...

Ow. God, they're so sore.

[She sighs]

Who was that on the phone?

Is everything OK with the babies...? Ow.

Stop watching me drinking.

So just stop looking at you?

[She laughs]

Aw...

I'm not sure I'm ever going to get used to having a husband who I can't share just a lovely glass of lovely wine with.

It's really hard, you know? For me.

My fantasy was always that when I get to 60, I'd have loads of money and I could hire a bodyguard to protect other people from me and a driver so that I could drink the way that I wanted to.

What? So you're going to start drinking again?

No, I just thought it might be something I might try again in the future.

Why are you even thinking about drinking?

I'm not.

Yes, you are!

You just were.

OK.

Er, here's a reason... I might slightly fit in with your family if I was splashing around in my own trough of Guinness.

What?!

That's so anti-Irish.

Look, I wasn't...

Forget the whole thing, OK? I love your family. I love Ireland.

And sometimes I think about drinking.

That's f*cked up.

It's not f*cked up.

It is!

I don't drink. You do.

One could argue that you've had too many tonight.

Oh, could one?

You know, I'd love to fight with you, but everybody else might not want their dinner ruined by our bullshit.

Right. We're fighting because he's an alcoholic.

I'm going to the toilet.

Also, he hates Irish people.

I mean, I'm his wife for some reason, so that...

Is anyone even listening to me?

Anyway, just get your head together.

OK, and have a long, hard think about yourself.

I mean, married to a drunk!

[Glass smashes]

Pardon.

My tits hurt.

Get over here.

They hate us here. We're scum!

No, they don't. French people get high off of this sh*t.

Fighting into kissing?

We just performed a live Fellini film for them.

Fellini's Italian.

Good for him.

Do you want to go back to the hotel?

Yeah.

Oh, let's go to that bar we passed with all the dodgy guys out the front first.

Why?

Cos I want to get a little... [Clicks tongue]

Weed.

Yeah, I got it.

[They laugh]

[Pounding dance music]

Amaretto?

On the rocks.

Hey.

Kenneth?

No.

Kenneth?

Rob?

You sure you don't want some of this?

Yeah.

I'm sure I don't want any of your stinky French weed.

And if we get kicked out of this hotel because of the smell...

As if they'd give a sh*t about a bit of weed in this hotel.

Johnny Depp is a habitual weed smoker.

They c... can't have one rule for Johnny Depp and one rule for me.

I'm pretty sure they can.

[Whirring]

You're pumping while high?

Yeah. Why wouldn't I? I mean, it's the best time to...

Oh, sh...

[Whirring continues]

Ow...

Chris!

Chris!

Dave. sh*t, man. I didn't see you there.

Hey!

What's, er... What up?

Ah... just a bit of midnight yoga.

Ah, this is Catherine, my extraordinarily beautiful girlfriend.

Hi. Street meat?

Hi.

I don't know what animal it is, but it tastes f*cking brilliant.

No, thank you.

So what are you doing here?

Looking for a bit of cock-a-doodle-doo?

What?

No.

I'm j... I'm just messing with you, man.

Y-you wouldn't know it, but that door is actually one of the biggest cock meat markets in London.

[He laughs awkwardly] Right, oh...

Got you. Good to know.

No, I was just walking home from a movie.

Oh, cool. What did you see?

Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation.

I swear to God, I think I've broken a rib.

It's just every time I try and breathe, I...

I just feel like I can't take proper breaths.

Sounds sore, honey.

[Knock at door]

If it's to clean the room, will you...

Ow, will you tell them to come back later?

[Door opens]

I forgot. I booked us a joint massage.

What?

Oh, God, this is terrible.

Can you tell them I've broken my rib?

Don't tell them how it happened, though.

Er...

Yes.

Thank you.

Did you tell them we think it's broken?

Yeah.

Ow...

[She sobs]

Good. Turn around, please?

I did German.

Turn around. Come on. Oop. [He whistles]

Like this.

***

Ok. Ok.

[She sighs]

That's better.

What?

[Gentle snoring]

Rob?

[He grunts]

I think I've been assaulted.

What?

The man massaged my tits.

What man?

What man? The massager.

He massaged my tits.

What did you do? Did you ask him to stop?

No, I didn't. He w...

It's Paris, you were asleep...

What do you want me to do?

Do you want me to complain?

I tipped him.

You were asleep! I had to pay them. You know, you have to tip.

It's Paris!

I don't know what you ordered.

Well, I didn't order that.

I'm not sure we can complain if you tipped him.

Do you want to go to the Pompidou Centre?

Yeah, all right.

[She groans]

You having a nice time?

Not really.

I don't think we're holiday people.

How do you mean?

Well, I just...

I think we're good on a Tuesday, you know?

When it's raining.

Like, my favourite time in the last year was when we pretended my arms didn't work, remember?

And you washed my hair and put that weird outfit on me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that was the best.

Do you think it's bad we haven't had sex even though we're in Paris?

I'm not saying this to upset you, but...

I've had plenty of sex in Paris and it's not special to have sex in Paris.

f*ck Paris. Is the food here that good?

I mean, we've only eaten cheese, if you think about it.

I'm going to take a sh*t in, like, February.

You know Fran's taken a lover?

Yep.

Poor Chris.

I think he'll be OK.

So... just, you know...

Just what?

Just, you know, don't...

Even though we're not having tonnes of sex, don't take a lover, OK?

Well, I don't want to take a lover...

Seriously, but... if you take a lover I will f*cking take a lover whether I want one or not.

OK. I won't take a lover.

Unless Alicia Keys responds to the MySpace messages I sent her in 2004.

[She chuckles]

If you hook up with Keys, I'm going after Hamm.

Hamm? Say his full name.

Jon Barnaby Hamm.

Why Hamm?! His teeth are too small. People don't talk about that.

This is good, isn't it?

This has been worth it, I think.

We would never have talked about this if we hadn't come to Paris.

You having a nice time?

I'm going to go over there and as*ault him, OK?

OK.

Ah, just before you do that, just...

I just want to quickly tell you something first.

Ok.

I may have come.

What?

I'm not sure. I just...

And... and it was more of a plateau, you know, than a full...

Ah, j... maybe... just because I enjoyed it doesn't make it right!

Right... No...?

Should we just go up to the room?

Yeah.

Hello.

What time's our train?

6:13.

[They moan]

Do you think Johnny heard us?

He definitely heard us.

Even if he's not staying here right now.

[She laughs]

Is it bad that I came inside you?

No.

I don't know.

It's Paris.

You know, and if we end up conceiving a baby in Paris then...

[She sighs]

I didn't think that through.

Oh, sh*t.

What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

I learned this in convent school.

Is it coming out?

Er... I don't know.

Oh, look. There it goes.

Wow!